Scott Taylor Miller is tired of being known as Snotty. On New years Day he resolves to take control of his life and make himself into Taylor. However, Scott is unaware that his new asthma medicine will change him in ways he cannot foresee. Forces both within and without will try to define him. If he doesn't want to be Snotty any longer, ...just who exactly is Taylor? The Taylor Project Part 11 by Tracey Willows Copyright © 2013 Tracey Willows All Rights Reserved.

 
The Taylor Project
 

Chapter Twenty-Seven

A light spring breeze stirred the bamboo all around making it rustle in the wind. I found the soft noise comforting, as if the bamboo was whispering to me, trying to soothe the great, big, aching sobs of pain that wracked me. I curled up on the ground into a tight ball like a little kitten lost in a giant cornfield. My tears and cries shook me so hard I could barely breathe.

Sissy. Freak. Even Cathy. How could she? How could she? If even she couldn’t accept me… no, not couldn’t, wouldn’t. If even she wouldn’t accept me, then what hope did I have? I was just stupid Snotty Miller playacting at being a girl. Nobody would see me as transgendered; they’d all see me as a freak, a fag, gay. Transgendered was just too much for Pine Hill. Gay they could understand. I’d be the little faggot boy who wanted to wear skirts. That's what they would all see me as, but it wasn't true. I wasn’t gay. I was a girl. A girl!

The bamboo trees whispered soft nothings to me as they danced in the wind. A little bit down the slope from me the creek babbled pleasantly, talking to itself as water flowed over stones. I wished I could join it and meander across the countryside until I reached a river, and then float on downstream like Huck Finn. Drifting away… until I reached the ocean, as wet and salty as the tears flowing down my face. Then I could sink into the ocean depths and just melt away.

I felt so alone. Cathy had turned on me and Hailey had deserted me. Sure, I’d told her to stay away, but when a girl runs away she wants you to follow her. Where had I heard that? It felt like a memory, probably from some forgotten romantic comedy that I’d watched ages ago. Yes, I’d wanted to be alone, but they were supposed to follow. No, Cathy was supposed to follow. She was the one who turned my life into a joke with a single word. She knew where I was. She knew this was my place. Why wasn't she here?

Whisper, whisper, murmured the wind through the bamboo. My aching sobs had stopped stabbing me with their knives of truth and pain. My tears were still flowing, a sad counterpoint to the peaceful babbling of the creek. Slowly, I could feel the knots of pain within me relax. Like a switch had been turned on, I suddenly became aware of the smells of spring around me: the damp rich smell of the earth beneath me, the green smell of growing pine, the wet smell of the creek and, most strongly of all, the smell of the bamboo growing and thriving here in East Texas so many thousands of miles from home.

We called this place Little China. Rupert Miller, who was some kind of great uncle to me, had planted some bamboo on his land a generation or so ago. According to one story he just preferred to fish with a cane pole and wanted his own supply. Another rumor claimed old Rupert grew his own marijuana and thought the bamboo would hide it. Regardless, the bamboo hadn’t stayed in a neat little patch. It started spreading and grew and grew, filling up gaps around the larger and older pine trees. The bamboo thicket had choked out the smaller trees and plants along the creekbed, and it showed no sign of stopping. Grandma called it damn-boo and wanted it all chopped down and plowed under. Me, I loved this place.

This was my place. Here, I could pretend that I had been magically transported thousands of miles away from Pine Hill. The bamboo didn’t look like our native trees. Their stalks seemed too skinny to grow as high as it did, but it shot out of the ground and challenged the sky. I didn’t go outside often, but this place spoke to me at some level. The bamboo was just like me. It shouldn’t be growing here. This was pine forest land where it wasn’t cleared for farmland. There were some oaks and other trees mixed in, but pine was king. Except here. Here, the bamboo choked out the pine. Grandma might call it damn-boo, but I found this a peaceful place. The way the bamboo thrived and grew, despite this not being its home. It gave me hope somehow.

The bamboo took me away in space to China and it took me away in time as well. I remember when Grandpa was alive he used to dabble at farming. He was retired and didn’t need to do it, he just wanted to do something, I guess. For him it was farming. I remember picking and shelling peas, and I recall a patch of watermelon. Most of all I remember corn, a vast field of it, and how we’d played in it: me, Cathy and even Rick. We’d chased and laughed and played hide in seek in the green growing corn. Happier times. I’d been smaller then and the thin stalks of the bamboo reminded me of the days before Snotty, when I’d just been free to be a child and play.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Distantly I heard voices, Cathy and Hailey talking to each other as they made their way to me, something about a fence. That meant they were crossing the barbed wire fence that separated the Riley’s land from my great uncle’s. They were close, and I didn’t want them to see me crouching on the ground like an animal. I took some tissues from my pocket and tried to clean away my tears and snot. I tried to blow my nose quietly without success which meant they knew exactly where I was. I stood up and tried to dust the dirt and leaves off my clothes. I’d had a perfectly good picnic blanket, but I hadn’t used it. I was about to spread it out when the girls walked up.

Cathy was in the lead, and I could tell she’d been crying. She picked up her pace and hurried to me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me for being a stupid idiot? You’re not a sissy. You’re one of the bravest people I know.”

“Of course I —“ I didn’t get any further than that because she hugged me hard and took my breath away.

“I thought I’d lost you.” Cathy held me tight and started planting little kisses all over my face. Then her lips met mine.

We’d kissed before, many times, but I don’t think I ever really got kissing until that moment. Our lips touched, and all the pain and tears inside me started lifting away. Cathy’s lips were warm and wet and salty on mine. Her mouth opened, and as I tasted her tongue on mine, I felt both blown away and confused. I was certainly being kissed, which felt right because I was a girl, but I also was Cathy’s boyfriend so I should be the kisser, yet this time I was certainly the kissee.

“Awww,” said Hailey.

We didn’t quite jump apart, but our kiss was certainly over. Cathy’s hand found mine and gripped it tight. I gave Hailey a guilty look and a shrug. I was still too overwhelmed from the emotional roller coaster trip to say anything.

Cathy grinned a big grin. “I think I’m forgiven.”

“Yes, you two certainly kissed and made up,” Hailey said dryly.

“Literally!” agreed Cathy.

“It’s good we got the emotions out of the way but let’s sit down and talk this through now – before you two slip back into the not talking thing.”

I took a deep breath. “OK. Yes. Good, even.” Eloquence is me.

We spread out the quilt that I’d just dropped on the ground, and all sat down facing each other. I had no idea where to start, and apparently neither did Cathy because we just stared at each other until Hailey spoke up. “Cathy, maybe you should start with what you told me.”

“Scott-” Cathy sighed and ducked her head like she’d been scolded. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. You were right. You and Hailey were both right. I knew what you meant; I just didn’t want to listen because I want you as my boyfriend. When I look at you I hear theme music and happily ever afters and, and… I think I’m falling for you.”

“Whoa. I…” I had no idea how to respond. Hailey had to smack me up against the head with the clue bat, but I’d finally caught on. What could I say that wouldn’t hurt? I let my mouth stumble forward, trying to find words. “Cathy, you’ll always be my best friend, I totally get BFF, best friends forever. I just don’t know how much further I can go down the boyfriend path you want me to go. I sure felt something when we kissed, but I still don’t know what I am. I mean, I figured out that I’m a girl at heart, but there is so much more to being a girl than just deciding to be one. I’ve smothered the girl inside me for so long. I wrapped her up in boy clothes and stuff. She’s just starting to take her first steps outside into the world. I’m like a newborn deer, walking on instinct, but shaky and unsure and ready to bound off and hide.” That was exactly what I’d done. Cathy had called me a sissy and I’d run off and hid.

A single tear slipped down Cathy's cheek. “I get that. I was trying to shut you down, but I knew what you were saying. I’d just wanted you for so long, but you didn’t seem to have a clue. When you finally did get a clue, we were boyfriend and girlfriend for one whole glorious week -- then you decided you were really a girl. Do you know how hard it is on me trying to just stop and give you space? To crush my dreams, my hopes, just when they seemed to be coming true?”

It was my turn to feel scolded, as well as a little ashamed. No, I hadn’t thought it through from Cathy’s perspective. I thought she was just selfish, trying to force me to be what she wanted me to be. From her point of view I’d made promises and then reneged on them.

“Let’s calm things down a little,” said Hailey. “You two are both hurt, but not really mad at each other. You’re hurt about the situation, which is very different from being mad at each other. You’re both still friends. Right?”

“Yes,” said Cathy while I just nodded my agreement.

“You both have hesitations. Taylor doesn’t know who she is. Cathy isn’t sure she can be in relationship with a girlfriend and not a boyfriend, but you both want to try, right?”

“You want to try? With me being a girl? You’ll let me try?”

“I don’t know.” Cathy sighed. “I don’t know if I can. I like hot boys like Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner and Zayne and Liam and Harry. I’ve never felt anything for any girl, but I feel for you. Maybe I can become one of those people where the person matters more than the gender. I don’t know.”

“Maybe we should just step back,” I suggested. “We’ll always be friends. We can just be friends for a while. I need time to get my head straight.” Like a few years. “Maybe then we can try again.”

Cathy shook her head. “No, I want to try now. I don’t want to wait any more.”

“If you’ll let me be a girl, I’ll try.”

“As long as you try, I’ll let you be a girl.”

“Awww, group hug!” Hailey reached out and hugged us both; then we all three hugged each other and laughed. Maybe, just maybe, this could work out.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Our group hug fell apart with Hailey breaking out of it first. Cathy still clung to me but I pulled away. I felt a little awkward hugging just Cathy in front of an audience, even if it was Hailey and she was smiling. I grinned back at her. “Thank you, Hailey. Cathy and I were stuck in some sort of out of control thing, and you saved us before we crashed.”

Hailey blushed. “Hey, that’s what friends are for.”

“You should become a therapist someday,” said Cathy. “You’re really good at it. I bet you’d also make a great marriage counselor.”

Hailey giggled. “And I’m doing such a good job with Taylor running off into the woods. I’d suck as a therapist. I’d chase off all my patients.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Cathy. “I think you were right to push us. Thank you.” She looked at me. “Scotty, I’m sorry again for what I said earlier. I just freaked. It just happened so fast. You were telling us not so long ago about how gynecomastia was a temporary condition; you were working out and going to hide it. It was all a hormone condition and you were a boy underneath. Then all of that just flipped around and now you think you’re a girl inside. Can you really be so sure, so fast?”

Why did she have to ask that question? I wasn’t sure at all. I felt like I’d leaped headfirst off a cliff and there was no stopping things now. I was falling faster and faster, and I didn’t have a parachute. Except I did have a parachute, or maybe rather a bungee cord. If I changed my mind the cord could snap me right back to being where I was. Stuck. As a boy.

“It didn’t happen overnight, Cathy. It started a long time I ago. It took lots of baby steps. I’ve been dreading growing up to be like Dad and Rick for I don’t know how long. I always felt different, which is a big reason that I get bullied at school. People sense that I’m different. They always called me fag and sissy. Turns out they weren’t that wrong. Dressing up helped things along, but I was in a bit of denial. It was gym class that convinced me. I was sitting there changing and I suddenly realized that I didn’t belong there, that I had never belonged, and I’m never going to belong in a boy’s world.”

Even now, was I certain? No. I had major doubts but I couldn’t voice them, not even to Cathy, because if I fed my doubts and gave them power they’d drag me back. I wasn’t sure, but somewhere I’d passed a tipping point. I was more scared of being forced to be a boy than running the gauntlet to becoming a girl.

“But you didn’t feel this way until your hormones got out of whack. Isn’t it possible that they’re influencing you?”asked Cathy.

“I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, I guess they have to be. Don’t our hormones always influence us? This isn’t easy for me!” Damn, I was crying again. Not the big hurtful sobs like before, just too much turmoil and sadness that overflowed and ran down my cheeks. “I don’t think I can go back to being Scotty. There is no future for me as a boy. If I can’t go back then I’ve got to go forward, don’t I? I’m already more than halfway there. I’ve already got boobs and the start of a figure. I don’t want male hormones. I want this to continue as far as it will. I feel like I’m betraying you, but being Taylor just feels right. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” said Hailey. “You didn’t choose this, Taylor. It chose you and you’re trying to do right by Cathy. Maybe you two can meet halfway. I don’t know, but the important thing is that both of you are trying now and if it doesn’t work, you’ll still be best friends.”

I smiled at that. “I’d like that.”

“I’m trying. I don’t know. We’ll always be friends." Cathy gave a weak smile. "So can I see this girlfriend of mine? Apparently Hailey has gotten to meet her twice, but I’ve never even seen her.”

I giggled. “OK, but we’d better ask Hailey if she can help. There is just no way I’d get into your clothes, short stuff.”

That sparked a grin. “Or, like, maybe we’d better ask Hailey because she’s the only one of us that is wearing girl clothes.” Cathy gestured down her body at her clothes. Her t-shirt was unisex, but her jeans were definitely boy jeans and also way too small for my ass. Cathy was a petite little thing.

Chapter Thirty

“Sure, Taylor can borrow my clothes -- again.” With an overly dramatic eyeroll and a shrug Hailey started unlacing her shoes. She kicked out of her shoes before standing up. She shimmied out of her blue jeans and was half-undressed before I’d even started.

Wishing I was as confident as Hailey, I began unlacing my own shoes. I’d agreed to this, but it still felt weird. Not only was I getting undressed in front of Hailey and Cathy, but I was doing it in the great outdoors. I’d been camping before and gone on fishing trips with my dad, but we at least had tents. This might be my special place, but that didn’t mean it felt comfortable getting undressed without four walls around me. We weren’t even on my land. It was already too late to back out. While I had piddled with my shoes, Hailey had already removed her jeans. She stood there holding her jeans, and waited for me to get undressed. I shucked off my boy jeans and took Hailey’s from her.

“Scott, you’re wearing panties?!” Cathy sounded horrified.

“Yes, I’m a girl. Girls wear panties and bras. My toes are painted too.” I sat down on the quilt and started to pull Hailey’s jeans up my legs. They weren’t going to be an easy fit. I think this pair was even smaller than the other pair I’d tried on.

“Taylor, can I put on your jeans?” asked Hailey. “It’s a little chilly here in the shade.”

I had her pants up to my knees. I stood up awkwardly trying to pull them the rest of the way on. “Of course you can wear them, Hailey, but next time let’s do this indoors.” Her jeans were too skinny, or more accurately my ass was too fat. I managed to tug them up my legs, but they were a little too tight in the waist. I sucked in my belly, zipped and buttoned, and somehow they were on me, even if they were painfully tight. I loosely tightened Hailey’s belt, more for looks than from need. There was no way these jeans were going to fall off of me. “Next time we do this, please wear a skirt.”

“Who wears a skirt when walking across fields? Next time you want to play dress up, you hide a change of clothes in with the blanket,” teased Hailey. Once she had my jeans on she slipped off her top, which was white instead of her usual pink, and stood there in her bra.

Cathy looked glumly from one of us to the other. “You two are way too comfortable with this clothes swapping thing.”

“Come on, Cath. Haven’t you ever tried on clothes with a girlfriend?”

“With cousins, but I still think it is weird.”

After our talk I understood her lack of enthusiasm better. Where before I’d seen only rejection, now I could recognize she was taking small steps. For Cathy just not freaking out was progress. She was making an effort and trying to accept me. I was still struggling myself. So I could understand. It was just hard on all of us.

I took off both my shirts and started unwrapping the bandage that held my boobs in place today. Meanwhile Hailey had turned around to remove her bra. Taking my cue from her, I turned around to face the stream as I continued to unwind.

“Scott, wait. Can I see them?” asked Cathy. “I know you’ve got man boobs, but maybe it would help me wrap my mind around it if I saw them.”

I’d flashed Hailey briefly, but it had been awkward. I felt uncomfortable already stripping down in the great outdoors, but if it helped convince Cathy, maybe it would be worth it. “OK, take a good look then.” I turned back toward her but I couldn’t look her in the eye. I looked down at my feet as the rest of the bandage fell away.

“Oh my Jesus, those look so real. No wonder you’re messed up.”

Hailey had her bra off and was facing us.. She was covering her own breasts with one arm, but she took a good look at me. “They look real because they are real. That’s not just fat. They look like mine did when I was growing fast.” She offered her bra to me.

I took the bra from Hailey and tried to put it on quickly. I’d deliberately shown Cathy, but I was still nervous enough that I fumbled the hooks more than once before I got them fastened and got myself covered. I took Hailey’s shirt and slid into it. I wasn’t really complete. I’d like to fix my hair with some gel, add a little makeup and shoes that fit, but this was what I had and lucky to have them. I hoped it was enough to convince Cathy. “Meet Taylor. This is the real me.”

Cathy studied me and as she did her hand rose and covered her mouth. “You’re right. You look like a girl. Your hair needs work, but if I didn’t know you… you’d fool me. Dressed the way we are now you look more like a girl than I do. Not to mention the boobs. Those aren’t man boobs. Scott, you’ve got real boobs. Are you sure that’s normal, because I think you’re bigger than me?”

“It’s not normal. It’s caused by a hormone imbalance, but they are real. I’ve got real boobs.” Looking around, I saw that Cathy was right. Hailey was now dressed in my clothes and looked like a tomboy, while Cathy always dressed like a tomboy. Amazingly, I was the one who looked the most like a girl

“You look so real. Scott, how do you feel about me?”

I looked up meeting her gaze. “I don’t know. You’re my best friend and I’m scared of losing you. I liked holding hands and kissing. I didn’t think I wanted to go further, but I felt something when we kissed today. I like you Cathy. I’m just going to need more time. What about you? This is the real me. I am Taylor. Do you still like me?”

“I don’t know. I’m not a lesbian. I like boys. I’m starting to accept that you’re committed to this, but I don’t even begin to know what it means for us.” She paused for a moment. “If we take me out of the picture, what do you feel about girls in general? I’ve been trying to encourage you for a while now, but you hadn’t taken the hints until recently. Is this why?”

“I don’t know. I felt something when we kissed today, before that I don’t think I really did. I didn’t really notice any hints until Hailey clued me in. I haven’t noticed any other girls at all. Not romantically anyway. When I think of girls it’s more envy. I want to be like you and Hailey.”

“Are you gay then?” asked Cathy.

“Ugh, no!” The reaction was strong and immediate. “Boys are the enemy more than anything. I don’t want to be one and I certainly don’t have any sexual feelings about them. Or about anyone, really. I’ve got too much going on in my head trying to figure out who I am to really think about that seriously, too. I don’t want to hurt you Cathy, but if you want a chance for us to work out you’ll have to be patient and let me sort myself out first.”

We all fell silent for a while. The only sounds were the wind in the bamboo and the babbling of the creek. I was lost in thought. What did it mean for me and Cathy? It felt like we had something romantic, but it was weak and fragile like a soap bubble. Maybe that’s all it was, pretty but fleeting. If I went further, would I like girls? In several of the TG stories I read the main character started off not interested in boys, but that changed. Right now even the idea of cuddling with a boy or kissing him was disgusting.

Hailey eventually broke the silence. “I feel like the third wheel here, but I think you two finally said what needed to be said. Are we still friends?”

“Of course!” I was so glad someone had finally asked a question that was easy to answer. “I’m going to need you two more than ever. Hailey, you’ve already helped me so much. Cathy, I really need your support. Or if not that, then at least your acceptance. I don’t want to lose your friendship over this.”

“I still see you as my boyfriend, but that’s hard when you look like this. Whatever you are, you’ll always be my friend. You were there for me when I needed you. I think you need me now and I’ll be here for you even if I don’t understand. This isn’t going to be easy for me, but we’ll always be friends.” She started crying. “I feel like I’m losing you. I knew Scott, but this Taylor person is a stranger to me.”

“Then get to know me again. I haven’t changed that much.”

“Oh yes you have,” replied Cathy. “You’ve changed a lot more than the clothes. The clothes just make it more real.”

“Then spend time with her. I’ve been trying to teach Taylor how to be a girl, but we could use your help. Why don’t we sit down, break out the picnic, and give it some time?”

“OK,” said Cathy, “I’ll try.”

I smiled. I had no idea what time it was and I wasn’t really hungry, but sitting down and having a picnic and trying to be normal that sounded really good — except for the part where I was wearing jeans so tight I wasn’t sure I could sit down or eat. I plastered a smile on my face. I’d do it for Cathy. “I’m in. Dibs on the tuna fish.”