Scott Taylor Miller is tired of being known as Snotty. On New years Day he resolves to take control of his life and make himself into Taylor. However, Scott is unaware that his new asthma medicine will change him in ways he cannot foresee. Forces both within and without will try to define him. If he doesn't want to be Snotty any longer, ...just who exactly is Taylor? The Taylor Project Part 9 by Tracey Willows Copyright © 2013 Tracey Willows All Rights Reserved.

Chapter Twenty-One

Saturday, March 2nd — Taylor Project Day 61

I’m going to skip the status update. The big news is that I did my clothing test with Hailey. She was very supportive and loaned me her clothes helping all the way. It didn’t go at all like I expected. I can more than pass as a girl. I make a better girl than I do a boy. So what does that make me? So what does that mean? I told Hailey to call me Taylor. I wasn’t really thinking about it in terms of the Taylor project. The name just felt right, but the whole situation didn’t. I didn’t feel wonderful it was scary. It just made everything too real.

I’m still the same person I was before. I still have a penis, but my boobs feel a lot more real than they did before. Hailey thinks I’m might even be a small B-cup now. Is that too much growth for gynecomastia? What is normal growth for real girls? I’d just noticed back in January, but I’d started with some man boobs. How much have they grown? I’ve searched the web reading everything from medical sites to advice for girls going through puberty and all I’ve found is a bunch of lame every girl grows at her own speed kind of advice.

Am I a boy or a girl or something in between? Some people are born in between, they’re intersexed. Could I be intersexed? Is that why my boobs are blowing up like balloons? I’ve tried reading up on intersex conditions but it isn’t easy reading. Yet, from what I can tell they don’t show up suddenly at puberty. At least not on medical sites. Some of the tg stories that I’ve read have the surprise twist that a t-girl who thought she was a boy turns out really to be intersexed and a real girl complete with plumbing. However, those stories are just stories. Like Pinocchio becoming a real boy. They’re a lot more fun to read than medical stuff.

I’m not as jumpy as I was just after I dressed up. Taylor felt entirely too real then. That still scares me, but I’m not sure what to do about it. I still don’t like the idea of having my penis and balls chopped off and an artificial hole punched in down there. If there was a magic pill and it could be real, that would be different. However, the way they do things sounds primitive and painful. It means giving up having kids of my own. Not that I planned to have them any time soon, but I thought someday I would have a family of my own.

Not to mention how everyone else will react. Dad and Grandma are not going to be happy. I’m not sure myself so how could I ever convince him? What if he tries to beat the sissy out of me? Then even best case, he supports me I’d have to transition at Pine Hill. I know how they treat me already. It would get worse, much worse and it wouldn’t stop until I graduate and move away. The grass on the girl side looks greener, but there is a thirty foot high electrified fence and moat full of alligators between me and the other side. Is that really something I want to do? Even if I make it to the girl side, would it be like the saying? What if the grass only looks greener? Then I’ll have put myself through hell for nothing and there will be no way back. What do I do? I started off this big project to become Taylor, but is Taylor a boy or a girl?

I don’t always remember my dreams, but this time I knew I was dreaming. Or rather I knew it was a nightmare. Yet, even knowing that I couldn’t wake up. The nightmare kept changing and so did I. I was a boy, a girl and both. Rick was taunting me, ,’chick with a dick, chick with a dick’ and everyone hated me: Dad, Grandma, Julie, even Hailey and Cathy. I had to be punished for being bad. They said I wasn’t good enough to be a boy or a girl. I’d have to be an it. Suddenly it was Lloyd there with a sharp knife and volunteering to do it. He said it wasn’t any different than taking care of cattle. A little flick of the knife and it would be over. I was suddenly at the hallway at school and everyone was around me. They were pushing me down the hallway like a cow in a chute to the slaughter yard where I’d be chopped up…

“Scott wake up!” called Hailey.

Someone was shaking me and I opened my eyes. There was enough light that I could make out it was Hailey. I was still creeped out by the dream but I was glad she was there. I dove at her and grabbed her hard shivering and shaking. “Sorry, nightmare. Bad one.”

“I gathered that.” She hugged me back. “Are you OK now?”

“I guess.” No, I really wasn’t, but I was embarrassed at the way I was clinging to her and I scooted back. I grabbed a pillow and hugged it instead. The memories of the nightmare were still echoing in my head. “How loud was I?”

“I don’t think anyone else heard. How bad was it?”

I couldn’t really make out her face. I just had the impression of her presence and the sound of her voice, but it was a lot better than going back to the nightmare. So I told her about it. At least as much as I could remember. The details were already getting fuzzy, but the feeling of terror still clung to me like spider webbing. “Pretty freaky. It was a nightmare. What do you expect?”

“Well, I don’t have a Technicolor dreamcoat, but that dream isn’t too hard to figure out. You’re scared that you aren’t a boy or a girl and you think this is your fault somehow. It’s not your fault, you know.”

“Yeah, coming from the girl who still feels it is partly her fault that her father slapped her across the face for an accident, I’ll take that with a grain of salt.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth I regretted them. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t right. You’re here trying to help at me and I just bit your head off.”

“Maybe, but you’re right. I was being a hypocrite. I hate that. I get what you mean. Knowing in your head that it isn’t your fault doesn’t always convince your heart.”

“Dad’s going to freak. Grandma is going to freak. Even the fact that I’m growing boobs, a medical problem, is going to make them freak. If I tell them I want to be a girl… I don’t think they’ll allow it. I’m not even sure that is what I want.”

Hailey slid into bed and gave me a hug. “They might freak, but you’re going to have to tell them and soon. You need to tell someone. I think you’re in too deep. You need help. Therapists can help. I went to one. So did Mom. You shouldn’t be trying to decide this alone.”

“My dad thinks head shrinkers are all quacks. He won’t want to pay for one. He’ll tell me to man up and he’ll put me on boy hormones as soon as possible.”

“We could tell my mom. I don’t think she’d freak as bad and she could convince him to get you into therapy. Mom’s big on therapy. Her therapist helped her when her church let her down. She made me go and it does help. Just having someone to talk to about it, you know?”

As I lay there we were touching and I realized I did have someone to talk to about this and she was holding me now. “Hailey, thank you. It means so much to me that you’re my friend through this.” That was truth, but I also realized she was also right. This was too big to lay on her shoulders. She didn’t know what to do about it. Would Julie really help? Of all the adults in my life, she seemed the most likely to give me a fair hearing. If I got her on my side, maybe she could convince my dad.

“I’ll have to tell someone before the end of April. Maybe your mom would be the easiest one to tell, but let’s wait until after Spring Break. Let my dad and your mom have their cruise together first. That would be just two weeks from now, but wouldn’t they both take it better if they had a relaxing vacation first instead of dropping the bombshell on them just before their cruise? Plus Grandma would not take it well and spending a week with her in charge right after coming out — not a good idea.” I was mostly thinking out loud, but it sounded good.

“Hmm, I guess it does make sense to wait until after their cruise and your grandma is old-fashioned. Don’t wait too much longer. What about Cathy? When are you going to tell her?”

I groaned. Cathy was another issue I didn’t want to face. If I went down the girl path, then I was turning my back on her. “I don’t know. I haven’t made up my mind yet. Maybe I shouldn’t tell her until I’m certain. Why should I tell her when I’m not sure and I know it would hurt her?”

“It probably will hurt her,” agreed Hailey, “but not telling her will be worse. You’re playing with fire. You can’t keep major secrets from someone and still have a relationship. She already won’t be happy that I know and you didn’t tell her.”

I knew enough about girls to be sure that was true. I suddenly realized that I had a girl in my bed at night and there was nothing sexual about it at all. We were just talking. Put another mark in the I’m a girl column. I also knew Hailey was right. I had to tell Cathy.

“I’ll tell her. I’m not sure when. It’s certainly not going to be this morning at church.” I could just imagine trying to have that conversation in Sunday School with Cathy’s mom listening in. Inconceivable. “She has some deal with her grandparents this afternoon. I can’t just tell her this on the phone. I guess Monday when we’re walking to the bus stop.”

“I wish I could be there to help, but you need to be the one to tell her.”

“I know.” I just didn’t know what I was going to tell her. We ended up talking about it a good bit longer going around and around in circles over things. Nothing got resolved, but I talking about it helped and Hailey just listened.

Chapter Twenty-Two

As I expected I didn’t have a chance to talk with Cathy on Sunday. There was no real opportunity at church. Her mom didn’t even know we were dating. Then she went to her grandparents. Hailey and I did spend most of the day talking. It seemed we ran around in circles. Taylor felt more real to me than Scotty, but that still scared me silly and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to walk that path. However, we had a plan and that was reassuring. Wait two weeks for Julie to return from the cruise and then tell her with Hailey’s help. After that hopefully get a therapist and let them help me.

Monday morning I was all in knots. I knew I had to tell Cathy but actually doing it wasn’t going to be easy. However, as soon as I greeted her at the door I knew there would be no putting it off. We exchanged our usual hello kiss, nothing that serious, just a light brush of her lips on mine.

That was apparently enough for her to know something was wrong. “You feeling alright this morning?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” I gave a meaningful look at my dad.

She caught on quick and nodded and didn’t say anything more until we were walking to the bus stop. Then she immediately asked, “What’s up?”

Her hand was in mine. The weather was warmer but it was cloudy and the sun had yet to break through the clouds so it was still chilly. I felt queasy. I hadn’t figured out a way to say this that wouldn’t hurt her. So I just spit it out. “Cathy, I think I might be doing more than just growing boobs. I think I might be a girl.”

“Don’t be silly. You’re a boy. A boy with a medical problem, but still a boy. Maybe you should go ahead and tell your father now so they can get you on the hormone shots. I know what you said about Rick telling everyone and being bullied worse, but it’s not clearing up on its own is it?”

“No, it’s not, but that’s not what I mean. Cathy, I think I’m a girl in my heart.”

Cathy squeezed my hand. “That’s just not possible. You’re a boy. You’re my boyfriend.”

“Sometimes it is possible. Sometimes a girl’s soul gets put in a boy’s body. I think that’s what happened to me.”

“Well it’s not.” She pulled her hand out of mine. “First that can’t happen because God doesn’t make mistakes. Second, it’s the hormones that are confusing you. You should really go see a doctor and get them fixed.”

I didn’t want to argue with her about God making mistakes. I had my own beliefs about religion and I knew that Cathy’s were more in line with her mother’s than mine. Whether or not God was responsible there were mistakes in the world. Some kids had birth defects. When possible we let doctors repair those. I suppose I was to blame for this by talking about having a girl’s soul. I’d dragged God into the argument. Still if there was one thing I’d learned from mandatory church attendance it was how to argue using their language. “He may not make mistakes, but he does move in mysterious ways. There is a lot of pain and suffering in the world. It’s not a perfect world. If God doesn’t make mistakes it’s his plan that I’m like this. That I’ve got a girl’s soul in a boy’s body.”

“Would you stop saying that?”

“Fine. Forget I told you. You wanted to know what was wrong with me. That’s what’s wrong with me.”

We walked in silence for a bit. The only sound was gravel on the side of the road crunching beneath our feet. I knew Cathy wasn’t going to take it well, but I’d hoped for something better than this.

Finally Cathy spoke. “Ok, let’s talk about it. What does it mean that you have a girl’s soul? That you’re kinder, gentler, more artistic?”

Coming from a major tomboy that sounded a little out of place, but I recognized an attempt at peace. “I’m not sure what it means yet. I think I need to talk about it with a therapist.” I was giving her half the truth and that made me feel guilty, but she’d rejected the whole truth. Maybe I could give her a little bit now and let her get used to it.

“Therapy?” She reached out and took my hand again. “I’m sorry. I’m sure it must be awful growing boobs. It’s messing with your head. Maybe therapy is a good idea. You know that you’ll have to tell your dad to get a therapist. When are you going to do that?”

I squeezed her hand. Cathy didn’t get it and I felt guilty. Should I set her straight? I didn’t want to fight with her so I let her have her half-truth. “I want to wait until Dad and Julie get back from the cruise they’re having during Spring Break. So I’ll tell them when they get back. That’s less than two weeks.”

“Scott, this has gone on too long. It’s messing with your head. Do you really think you should put it off another two weeks?”

“My dad’s going to freak. He might even cancel the cruise and then that will be on me. I think he and Julie need it.”

“So what you’re saying is that he’ll be more mellow after spending a week boinking Hailey’s mom?”

“Cathy! OMG, I can’t believe you said that.”

She giggled. “Got you out of your sour mood didn’t it?” She stopped and hugged me and held me tight. “Besides isn’t that what you really meant?”

I returned the hug grateful that the rift between us had been smoothed over. “Ewe, just ewe. I know they do it, but don’t put it in my head.”

From the fight with Cathy onward it was a crappy day. We sort of patched things over and that’s what my whole life felt like. I had a huge sucking chest wound and just a thin little bandage over it but no one noticed. I made it through the morning classes, even Gerstacker. God she was making me hate English. Not that it was ever my favorite subject. I made it through lunch and all the way to PE. I hate PE.

Surrounded by all the boys changing out getting ready I was so aware that if they knew I’d dressed up in panties and a skirt this past weekend I’d get the shit kicked out of me. Hell, even just being discovered with the sports bra would be enough. They were vicious wolves all of them and I was a sheep among them. I didn’t belong here.

It suddenly hit me like a bolt of lightning or God whispering in my ears. I didn’t belong here. Not here at school. I didn’t belong here in this room with these boys. I’d never belonged. I’ve known it for ages. Before I was the boy with the bra, the boy with tits, I was the square peg. I’d tried so hard to ignore what I’d seen when I’d dressed up as Taylor but it was all a lie. I didn’t belong here. This wasn’t my place. Why was I even trying to pretend? My Taylor project was a joke. Suddenly it was so blazingly obvious that I would never fit in here. I didn’t want to fit in here.

For a moment I thought of just ripping off my shirt and showing everyone or leaving and going to the nurse, but my sense of self-preservation kicked in. I didn’t belong here, but I had to pretend for now. I wasn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I was a lamb in wolf’s clothing. For now I needed that protective camouflage. I didn’t want PE to turn into the Silence of the Lambs.

Slowly shaking I put on gym clothes. I wondered why no one else saw Taylor. She’d been there all along. Hailey had seen it, in how I acted. Then again they all saw it. Why else did they call me sissy and fag?

Scott> IDK where we R now. Honest.
Scott> We still hold hands kiss hello/goodbye
Scott> But we do not talk about my problem
Hailey> We who? Be specific. Are both of U not talking?
Hailey> Or is she shutting U down when U try to talk?
Scott> Both? I tried a couple of times after Monday
Scott> Now I don’t try anymore
Scott> Subject is off the table
Hailey> Not good, but maybe Cathy just needs more time
Scott> Not sure that I care. 2B honest doing bf/gf thing for her
Scott> Got other priorities. Like who am I?

It wasn’t that I didn’t like Cathy, but I’d also realized that I wasn’t just pretending to be a boy. I was pretending to be Cathy’s boyfriend. I just didn’t know how to get out without ruining our friendship.

Hailey> Understandable. U tell her this?
Scott> No. Don’t want to hurt her
Scott> I don’t think I can be what she needs
Scott> At least not now. Maybe l8ter
Hailey> U2 need to talk
Scott> Not easy. I need more time.
Hailey> Waiting will make it worse
Scott> I’ll try. OK? Got other problems
Hailey> I know. You’re running out of time there too
Hailey> Hiding your boobs is going 2 blow up on you
Hailey> Tick, tick, tick — BOOM!
Scott> Yeah, I’ve got big old boobie bombs on my chest
Scott> More like… (o)(o) tick, tick, tick (x)(x)
Hailey> Ewe. Did not need that image in my head
Scott> I caught in a booby trap!
Hailey> Ow! No more puns!
Hailey> Seriously, what are U going 2 do?

What was she psychic? Did she know I’d reached a decision already? Why wasn’t I telling her? Since my epiphany in gym class two days ago everything seemed clearer. I’d started dressing up in the clothes Hailey had left me in the evening after going to bed. I was starting to get comfortable with Taylor, but it wasn’t the evenings that convinced me. It was every day at school and especially the dreaded boys locker room. I had nightmares about that room. I couldn’t continue to pretend. Yet I hadn’t told Hailey.

Hailey> U R at least GID
Hailey> U know GID?
Scott> Yes. I know. Gender Identity Disorder
Scott> They mostly call it gender dysphoria now
Hailey> It fits
Hailey> You don’t have to decide if you are TG on your own.
Scott> Not a problem any longer. I’ve decided.

There I told Hailey. It would have been nice to have done it face to face or at least on a phone call, but I’d told her. No going back now.

Hailey> AND???????
Hailey> ????????????????????????
Hailey> Boy or Girl?
Scott> Girl, all the way
Hailey> I knew it!
Scott> Yes, you did. U were the 1st one who really saw
Hailey> I didn’t know what I was seeing
Hailey> So when do you come out to parents?
Scott> After spring break, like we planned
Scott> Not going to lead off by spoiling their get away
Hailey> Probably best, but I hold you to that
Hailey> U need a therapist ASAP
Scott> So U think I’m crazy 8-)
Hailey> No just that U need help
Scott> I’ve got help. I got U

It was just a chat window, but I still started to cry. I should have done this in person. This was so distant. I had Hailey, but I felt so lonely.

Hailey> U have all my help, but this to big 4 me
Hailey> U need therapist
Hailey> 4 hormones. 4 Operation
Scott> I know. Not sure about Operation yet.
Scott> May go all girl except 4 the snip and tuck
Hailey> Can you do that?
Scott> IDK. Think so.
Hailey> So you’re not 100% sure?
Scott> 99+% Don’t want testosterone 4 sure
Scott> Don’t know what I’ll do if they put me on T
Hailey> They won’t
Scott> They might. 1st they’ll freak
Scott> Then they’ll try to ‘fix’ me.
Scott> Putting me on T is the easiest fix
Hailey> So don’t let that happen
Scott> I don’t get a say
Hailey> Like hell U don’t
Hailey> Girl lesson: Don’t underestimate the power of a well-timed hissy fit
Scott> I wish it was that easy
Hailey> I’m serious. Shoving stuff in your body U don’t want?
Hailey> It’s a kind of rape. Don’t take it meekly. Kick and scream

Rape? I wouldn’t go that far, but maybe she had a point. I’d try saying no, but if they ignored me and tried to medicate me anyway, what did I have to lose by throwing a tantrum?

Scott> If it comes to that I’ll try it.
Hailey> Don’t get paralyzed by What If
Hailey> U have to come out
Hailey> If U do nothing, your male hormones will kick in NEway
Hailey> Gynecomastia is temporary condition

Witch. Mindreader. I knew that. Sooner or later my male hormones would kick in and then I’d be screwed. If it took that long. I had the deadline with my allergist. I could be caught in gym any day. Plus the most important reason, continuing to be Scott was getting harder and harder every day. I had to come out. Since that day in gym it had ceased being about if and become about when.

Scott> I know. I’ll tell, but no matter what I do I lose
Hailey> Don’t give up without a fight
Scott> I won’t. I’m got to try

I had to pause to wipe my eyes. My tears were still flowing. I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to crawl under my covers and let it all out.

Scott> GTG TTYL
Hailey> KK. U know I care
Scott> I know. Thank you
Hailey> I’ll try to talk to Cathy about the other thing
Hailey> It’s your job Romeo, but you’ve got enough to deal with
Scott> Bless you
Hailey> Don’t bless me yet. U owe me bigtime for it. JK
Scott> Bye Hailey
Hailey> Bye. TTYL

Chapter Twenty-Three

The week before spring break was a hard one at school. I found my attention wandering during class as I studied the girls. Why had it taken so long to realize that I was one of them? They weren’t perfect by any means, but as a whole they were nicer, more civilized, just plain more grown up than the boys. If only I’d been born one of them. I studied them covertly: their mannerisms, how they talked, what they talked about. At least part of the time I studied them. Par tof the time I was lost in daydreams wishing I was one of them. My homework grades were still high as usual, but I got singled out by teachers several times. I had a hard time taking them seriously. For the most part I already knew what they were teaching. What was going on in my life felt so much more important than what they were teaching.

While I wasn’t really paying attention to the teachers, I still kept alert for bullies. I tried to avoid trouble, but I think the other kids could feel the girl within through the boy clothes that I wrapped myself in. The taunts I received were more along the lines of gay/queer/faggot than Snotty the plaguebringer. I did what I could to minimize it. I wore my baggy clothes and leaned forward to hide my boobs. I kept my head down and my eyes and ears open.

I spotted Kevin Grutz before he spotted me walking ahead of me. I slowed down to keep behind him, but I didn’t need to worry. He wasn’t after me. Kevin was closing in on Oscar moving with a purposeful stride. Oscar was almost swaying as he walked listening to something with his earbuds. I wanted to warn him, but I shouldn’t get involved. I had so much to lose. Screw it. I sped up and tried to catch up. I still had no idea what I would do when I caught up with Kevin. Pound his fist with my face until he begged for mercy?

Too late. I saw it happen. Kevin stepped beside Oscar, stuck out his foot and gave him a shove and Oscar went down hard. It was a smooth move made possible by the way Oscar was paying more attention to his music than his surroundings. I’d watched it go down and Kevin had barely broken stride and was already moving on and away. If I hadn’t been staring at him I probably wouldn’t have seen it. Nobody around seemed to have seen the push and trip. They were just laughing at Oscar sprawled on the floor.

I rushed up to Oscar feeling guilty. I should have said or done something. “Are you, OK?” I started picking up his books.

“Did you get the number of that truck?” asked Oscar as he sat up. His lip was bleeding.

“I did. It was Kevin. You’ve busted your lip. Here I’ve got a Kleenex.” I handed him a tissue from my pocket. “I’ll say it was Kevin if you want to make an issue of it.”

Oscar took the tissue. “Thanks man.” He held it to his face. “And no I don’t want to make an issue. What’s the point. Can I have my books?”

I handed them back. “Sure here you go.”

That was all that happened and I did catch a few comments because of it. Word got around. Not quite Oscar was my boyfriend now, but asking if I was coming out of the closet. Even Dave and Lloyd wanted to know what the hell I was thinking, but I felt like I’d done something. I hadn’t just stood there. Maybe I should have warned him, but at least I did something. I think as bad as things are for me they’re worse for Oscar. Gay marriage may be getting approved in some states, but not in Texas. Tolerance was certainly not encouraged at Pine Hill Middle School.

And while I felt a bit proud of myself for helping Oscar just a little, I really didn’t do that much. I also had to wonder if I really wanted to go the t-girl path. Because as bad as he had it, I would have it ten times worse.

Saturday, March 9th — Taylor Project Day 68

Dad and Julie are left for their cruise early this morning. I thought a lot of what Hailey said about needing to tell them. I’m going to tell. I have to tell soon, but the time wasn’t right. Dad was busy with work and getting ready for the cruise. We’ve done some major redecorating over the past few days. Hailey moved in — more or less.

She was already staying over with Julie from Thursday night to Monday morning, but the adults decided (in some conversation that didn’t involve us) that it wasn’t appropriate for Hailey to spend a whole week in our home and sleep on the couch. Over Rick’s objections the exercise equipment was moved out to the barn. We turned what was once the workout room into a ‘guest’ bedroom. That’s what they kept calling it, a guest bedroom, but it’s effectively Hailey’s bedroom. Which has to be a huge sign that they’re close to moving in. Dad and Rick worked on clearing out the barn and setting it up as a workout space. I worked with Hailey and Julie on the ‘guest’ room. We had some old furniture in the barn. So she now has a twin bed frame, two chairs and a mirror. It’s still very temporary. Instead of a real mattress she has an air mattress on her bed. We got that and and some plastic storage bins to hold her stuff from Walmart. It’s still pretty spartan and obviously temporary, but Hailey hasn’t complained. She’s thrilled to have her own space in our home. We both think it is a major step despite the temporary nature.

Rick made a comment about my chest. He said it was about time that I started filling out. With my boobs strapped down I guess he thinks that I’m growing muscle. He certainly acted that way. He punched my arm. I guess that’s a good thing.

I’m scared about telling them. Even if I go through Julie, I know that Dad and Gradma will freak and Rick will never understand. Hailey thinks I should crossdress more this week that one time wasn’t enough to make decisions. She’s right of course. I’ve been wearing the clothes she left me at night alone in my room, but doing it in front of her will be different than doing it alone. We should have some opportunities this week. If I can’t dress up in front of Hailey, how will I ever speak up to our parents? Everything is happening so fast, but I’m running out of time.

She also thinks I should crossdress for Cathy and I’m not sure about that at all. Cathy’s reaction when I tried to tell her before and the way she’s avoided talking about it aren’t good signs. I’m afraid the boyfriend/girlfriend thing is already unraveling. Crossdressing in front of Cathy might just rip it open. However, Hailey is partly right. I need to Cathy to try to make her understand before I tell anyone else. I owe her that much. I’m not looking forward to it, but it needs to happen.