Scott Taylor Miller is tired of being known as Snotty. On New years Day he resolves to take control of his life and make himself into Taylor. However, Scott is unaware that his new asthma medicine will change him in ways he cannot foresee. Forces both within and without will try to define him. If he doesn't want to be Snotty any longer, ...just who exactly is Taylor? The Taylor Project Part 7 by Tracey Willows Copyright © 2013 Tracey Willows All Rights Reserved.

Chapter Sixteen

Monday started with a nightmare. By the time I awoke the details were already fuzzy but the terror and shame lingered on. I could remember being in the boys locker room and Coach Teller had been in there with us, which he never is. He’d insisted we all had to shower. Somehow that transitioned to everyone else pushing and shoving me toward the showers while I was still dressed. There were even people who weren’t in my class there like Kevin. Along the way my boobs started growing. By the time I reached the shower I had a pair to rival Dolly Parton’s. Despite their size no one else noticed them. They had just thrown me in the shower and the cold water woke me up before my alarm even went off. I felt like I had been thrown in a shower, because I was drenched in sweat. I had no choice but to take a shower before school. I couldn’t even enjoy it because the nightmare kept haunting me.

Cathy’s smile helped as did her hello hug. We held hands as we walked to the bus stop and all the way on the ride to school. By the time we got to school I was mostly over it, but the feeling didn’t entirely go away. I had a huge secret that I couldn’t let get out. OK, maybe I had two secrets that weren’t so huge. They were small and strapped down, but the nightmare still felt like the rumble of thunder before an oncoming storm. There were storm clouds on the horizon and I was going to get drenched. How exactly was this going to end well for me? My boobs weren’t going away.

When I entered Mrs. Gerstacker’s class I immediately spotted Kevin Gurtz hovering right by my desk. He had no reason to be there. We now had assigned seats on the opposite sides of the room. He looked at me with eyes that promised torment and what flashed through my mind was that he knew. Somehow he knew about my boobs. I just stood there frozen not wanting to approach him. Someone gave me a shove from behind and I started walking. Kevin couldn’t do anything. Mrs. Gerstacker was right outside the doorway.

“Kevin, that’s my desk. Your’s is across the room.” My voice quavered. Did my hormones suddenly pick now for it to crack?

He stood there reminding me of a smaller and meaner version of Rick. He should be a freshman this year, but he’d been held back, probably to better his chances at football. He looked down at me. “So is it true?”

He knew! How did he know of all people? I moved my books from my side and clutched them in front of my boobs trying to hide them. “I, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I think you do. I hear you have a little girlfriend.” He leaned forward over me. “I figure that has to be a lie.”

I almost laughed in relief. Was that all? Cathy and I had been holding hands on the bus for a few days now. Someone must have seen that and rumors spread like wildfire. Not that we really were boyfriend/girlfriend. We hadn’t said it to each other. “That’s none of your business.” I felt quite smug about it and so totally relieved. This wasn’t about my boobs.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Not even an ugly dyke would go for you, Snotty.”

Usually I clam up and want to cry when being picked on, especially by Kevin. He’s a big jock and could kick my ass without trying. This time his casual insults to Cathy were the spark that set off a bonfire of anger I didn’t know I had. “She’s not a dyke and she’s not ugly, dickhead.”

“Oooh, listen to the lover boy. I’ve seen her she’s a flat-chested ugly dyke.”

His insults didn’t even make sense. If she was my girlfriend, then she was interested in boys so not a dyke. However, even while knowing it was illogical I was too angry to come up with something witty. “She is not!”

“I hear you use her hair to blow your nose on.” The ring of the bell cut off anything else he had to say.

“Fuck off, Kevin.” I realized my mistake too late. When the bell rang all the conversations in class had ceased. I was the first one to break the silence following the bell and my words carried far louder than I’d intended.

“Scotty Miller!” came the crotchety voice of Mrs. Gerstacker. “I’ve warned you once about using obscene language in my class. Report to the office.” Although her words were angry she was smiling. She was probably happy to have an excuse to punish me.

“What?! Kevin started it.” The blatant unfairness of it pissed me off when I should have kept my mouth closed. Kevin had no reason to be on this side of the room. Where had she been when Kevin had been mouthing off to me?

“I heard no foul language from him. Report to the office. Kevin, take your seat.”

I spent half of Mrs. Gerstacker’s talking to Principal Oak and ended up with another Friday detention. I spent the other half glaring at her back as she diagramed sentences on the whiteboard. Kevin kept trying to catch my eye from across the room, but I ignored him. When the bell rang I was off like a shot to avoid another encounter with Kevin. I suppose having an alleged girlfriend was better than being outed as growing boobs or wearing a bra but I was still in no mood to have round two with him. I rushed out to join my friends in the cafeteria.

Dave waved me over to join them in line. “Hey Snotty, I hear you’re sleeping with that Cathy chick in seventh grade. Why didn’t you tell us you nailed her?”

OMG and WTF, how did it get this far this fast? “I did not. We just started going out.” Why did I say that? We weren’t really going out.

“You’re just saying that, right Snotty? We’re your bros. You can tell us how far you got.”

Lloyd nodded in agreement. “Yeah, so how far have you gotten? Gotta get to second at least.”

Now I was almost certain both Dave and Lloyd were just as virgin as I was. Both of them had stories about losing it during the summer with girls who probably didn’t exist. Apparently I’d broken one of the rules of boy code. I was supposed to claim I’d gone all the way. Like hell I was going to lie that way about Cathy. I knew how much it sucked to have a bad reputation. I wasn’t about to give her one. I was about ready to walk away from Dave and Lloyd, but I saw Kevin giving me the eye. No matter how much they were upsetting me, they were protection.

“Look, things haven’t gotten that far. There are no deets to share. I’m not sure where these rumors are coming from, but give me a break. Do you think I would hold out on you?” Oh, that was skirting a lie, because hell yeah I would. Anything that happened between Cathy and me wasn’t for sharing with Lloyd and Doyle to prove my masculinity. “Anyway, I’m more concerned about Kevin. He got in my face, but I’m the one who got detention. Now he’s looking at me like he wants to kick my ass.”

Lloyd looked over to where Kevin was watching us. “He’s a pussy. Watch this.” He gazed out at Kevin then held out his hand to make a fake gun and mimed blowing Kevin away. I watched and Kevin stood there a moment then slipped back into the line. Lloyd laughed. “I told you he was a pussy.”

“What are you going to do if he jumps you? You’re not carrying a gun at school and he could kick your ass.”

Lloyd shrugged. “If he’s stupid enough to throw a punch at me, I’ll just gut him with my knife. It would be self-defense. No jury would convict me.”

“You’re not really carrying a knife at school are you?” I looked from him to Dave.

Lloyd smiled and tapped his pocket. “This bulge in my pocket ain’t my dick.”

With him sitting at the table I couldn’t even see his pocket to see whether there was a visible bulge or not. Knowing Lloyd he might be making it all up or he might really have brought a knife to school. I looked him in the eyes and he just smiled back at me until I looked away.

Dave didn’t seem bothered at all by whether or not Lloyd had a knife at school. “Kevin is a troll. He just likes to pull people’s chains to stir up trouble. You gotta treat him the way you do a troll in any game or message board, ignore him. If you stop feeding a troll, they get bored and go away.”

That was easy for Dave to say. Lloyd was almost glued to his hip. I had Lloyd’s protection, but for me he was more a wandering knight. He’d protect me if he was around, but I was on my own most of the time.

Maybe Dave was right about Kevin. I didn’t see him the rest of the day, but I did get asked about Cathy. Most of them were just curious if we were dating. While I got teased some about it, for most people having a girlfriend seemed to move me away from the Snotty image and toward the more normal. Mandy actually approached me and struck up a conversation wanting to know details. Since the day I complimented her sweater we’ve been almost friendly. She was a bit of a geek herself, a major Dr. Who fan. Since she treated me like a real person, I didn’t lie to her, but there wasn’t much I could tell her. I wasn’t even sure where I stood with Cathy.

I arrived on the bus before Cathy and was nervous waiting for her, but her face lit up when she saw me. She slid into the seat beside me. “So rumor has it that we’re an item.”

“So I’ve been told. Were they good rumors or bad?”

“Mostly curious. So am I. Are we an item?”

I knew what she meant. Are we dating? Are we boyfriend/girlfriend? “I guess we are.”

“Good.” She leaned forward and tilted her head.

I’d never kissed a girl, not that it counted, but the body language was obvious. She wanted a kiss. This wasn’t really how I wanted it on a crowded bus with others no doubt watching, but I had to do it. I had to seal the deal. So I leaned forward and we bumped noses. I turned my head a little more and my lips pressed to hers. Maybe it wasn’t fireworks, but it was nice. It certainly didn’t feel like a kiss on the cheek from my grandma. It made me feel all warm inside.

I’m not sure which of us broke the kiss, but it didn’t last long. Cathy grabbed my arm and put it around her and leaned against me. “I think we’re going to need more practice, but we can’t tell my mom.”

I felt a little dizzy by the speed that everything was happening, but it felt good having Cathy lean on me, too. Not telling her mom was obvious. Her mom had made the rules clear. Cathy wasn’t allowed to date until she was sixteen. “OK, we’ll just keep it quiet.”

Although I wasn’t sure how long that would last. Adult gossip and kid gossip ran on two different tracks but there were bridges. Word would get back to her mother eventually. Then again we weren’t exactly going out on dates were we? Could we be bf/gf at school and not go out? I really didn’t care if her mom freaked or not. I had enough other stuff to worry about.

Chapter Seventeen

Wednesday, February 20th — Taylor Project Day 51

It’s almost March and that means I’m running out of time for my boobs to start shrinking. Some time about the end of April I’ll have my appointment with my allergist and I’ll have to take off my shirt for him to check my breathing and my secret will be out in the open — literally. I’m not even sure I have that long. The weather is getting warmer in fits and starts. I don’t know how long I can continue to pull off wearing multiple layers without someone wondering why I’m all bundled up. For that matter it isn’t comfortable. I’m sweating through my clothes. With all the exercise I’ve done I would expect some progress, but they’re still there. If anything they’re still growing. What’s weird is that it is there a part of me is starting to like it.

Today was Career Day at school. I spent all day being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. Adults love to ask that question. When I was a little kid astronaut or cowboy were acceptable answers. Then they weren’t any longer. Like I’m supposed to know what I want to do with my entire life now? My best grades are in science and I like it, but you almost have to be one of those bald guys with a double-sized brain to do anything with science. I thought about farming. Our land used to be a farm. It seems a shame that it is just empty pastures now. However, me and the outdoors don’t get along. Besides I looked at the stuff on farming and the family farm doesn’t really exist any longer. They’re all these huge commercial affairs.

It really wasn’t what job I’ll have when I grow up that was getting under my skin. What bothered me was that there was a part of me that wanted to answer the question what did I want to be with a girl. I’m not talking in a tg way. More like the way that I wanted to be a cowboy or an astronaut when I was little. It’s not real. It’s fantasy. Girls do have it easy, but despite the boobs I’m never going to be one. My boobs may not be shrinking yet, but my puberty is finally getting in the right gear. My hair is growing in down there. I have an official girlfriend even if we do nothing but hold hands and kiss. I’m finally starting to show signs of normal male puberty which was what I wanted, but now I don’t know what I want.

Like my boobs, I think I’m going to miss them. Is that weird or what? I’m still terrified of them being discovered and the deadline at the end of April is looming before me. It’s like I’m one of those cartoon characters on a train and the sign says bridge out but the train isn’t stopping. Things will be so much easier when they’re gone, but I’ve gotten used to them. Those little ‘chest growths’ feel like they belong there. It’s not like I’ve ever had a part vanish before. I don’t have a prehensile tail that fell off or anything.

Maybe it is just that I don’t want to turn another copy of my dad. I’m not really thinking about the t-girl path. That’s about as realistic as me being an astronaut. It looks like a long and painful path and I know what Grandma and Dad would think. They’d think I was a freak. Everyone at school would think I’m more of a freak than they already do. That’s not what the Taylor Project was supposed to be about.

Honestly, I don’t know what I want. Being a girl looks better, but why? Is it mostly not being Snotty? That’s where I started months ago with the Taylor project. I wanted to change, but I didn’t know how. I wouldn’t mind magically turning into girl Taylor, but declaring myself a t-girl would make me more of a social outcast not less. I could also look forward to years of hormones, sterility and an operation that makes me squirm. I don’t like the idea of chopping of parts of me — any parts. That means my breasts just as much as my penis. I didn’t ask for them, but they’re part of me now. If they would just shrink back that would be OK, but an operation to chop them off doesn’t feel right either. So what the hell am I? Not transgendered because I don’t have that burning desire to be a girl. Not really any good at being a boy either. I’m stuck in the middle.

I’m not really sure when the idea formed, but I got the idea of testing myself. Almost all the tg stories I read talk about the wonders of dressing like a girl. When the protagonist does it in the story, it is like a switch is thrown and they just know. So I’ve been looking for an opportunity to try it. I’m going to have to have Hailey’s help. I thought about involving Cathy, but she already makes faces if my bra or boobs get mentioned. I know she would never tell on me and would help me if pressed, but I think it would hurt her, too. She wants me as a boyfriend. I don’t think she would understand why I need to do this test. Hailey, on the other hand, was the one who pointed out how girly I was in other ways. I think she’ll be cool with it.

I’m going to have to find the right time. Julie and Hailey haven't quite moved in with us, but they’re staying over from Friday night until Monday morning this weekend. Of course, that doesn’t mean Hailey and I will have time alone. If the conditions are right I’ll bring it up with Hailey. Julie and Dad need to be out on a date, quite likely. Rick needs to be gone, but that’s almost a given. Grandma is the one who will be the token adult in charge. Hopefully she’ll fall asleep on the couch or go shopping or something. I suppose we could risk it if she was just watching TV. She rarely checks in on us, but sometimes she’ll stick her head in and look. So it isn’t really safe. If I don’t get a chance this weekend, then it’s one more week of school and the week after that is Spring Break. Since Hailey will be here all week, surely there will be some time Hailey and I can get a few hours without being watched.

Friday, February 22nd — Taylor Project Day 53

I did not have an opportunity to talk to Hailey yet about borrowing her clothes. Cathy came over after school, Dad worked late and then Dad and Julie stayed in rather than go out. Mostly Dad and Julie watched a movie, but out of the blue Dad asked to see this DDR game we’d been playing so much. I don’t know if Julie pushed him or not, but we brought it out to the living room and for about an hour Hailey and I played with Dad and Julie. It was a lot of fun and for once I kicked Dad’s ass at something physical. In fact we all kicked Dad’s ass. For a jock he has no sense of timing and DDR is all about timing. Julie wasn’t bad for a beginner. Dad eventually called it quits, but it was fun while it lasted.

I’m also feeling guilty about Cathy. We’re still doing the hand holding thing on the bus and light kisses hello and goodbye. So we’re officially bf/gf but I haven’t said a word to her about my test. Maybe the test will prove I’m really a boy at heart and I won’t ever have to tell her. That’s if I go through with it. I didn’t have a good time to play dress up, but I could have talked to Hailey and I didn’t. Maybe I just need to stop this crazy stuff, tell Dad and see a doctor. No, test first. Then I’ll decide.