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Image Credit: Gender Symbol.

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The Taylor Project
 

Chapter Seven

I slammed the snooze button when my alarm went off. I rolled over and onto them. Boobs. I have boobs. I rolled back onto my back. I’d done that all through the night. I usually sleep on my stomach, but every time I’d roll over I’d be reminded again of my boobs. Then I’d toss and turn. I don’t know how much sleep I’d gotten, but it couldn’t have been much. Deciding not to tell anyone, to just do nothing had been an easy call to make. Doing nothing was harder.

I put on a baggy shirt and looked in the mirror. I couldn’t see my chests growths but I knew they were there. So I ripped off my shirt and added a plain white t-shirt under it. Then I put the baggy shirt over that. I had a ton of oversized baggy shirts, hand me downs from Rick. I’d be OK. Nobody would know. Doc Buford had listened to me breathe and he hadn’t noticed. If a doctor didn’t notice, then no one would.

I went to the kitchen and saw Rick sitting there. I got a cup of water and took my asthma medicine and he just sat there half-awake eating breakfast cereal. I sat down and ate breakfast with him. He gave me grunt that might have been some kind of acknowledgement, but he didn’t notice. So I got to eat my breakfast in peace. Obviously my boobs weren’t any more obvious today than yesterday, but it was a relief to walk to the bus stop. I had to put on more layers. I felt safe under my winter coat. No one could see anything under that.

In first period history I found it hard to concentrate. I felt like there was a big neon sign on my chest, “Check out Snotty’s boobies”, but no one noticed. I got the usual amount of dirty looks for blowing my nose, yet the feeling of being watched didn’t go away. It wasn’t just my boobs either. I never really looked at girls boobs before. OK, I looked at porn on the internet just to see and decided it was gross. I’d never really understood the fascination other boys had with boobs. I still didn’t, but now I was very much aware that girls had boobs. Newsflash, girls have boobs and they come in a variety of sizes from flat to huge. Mine were thankfully nothing compared to what some girls had. In fact mine were downright flat.

Somewhere I shifted from just staring at boobs to trying to define what it was that made a girl look different from a boy. Oh, I knew the major difference. Girls don’t have what I do between my legs, but I couldn’t see that under clothes. However, I could tell boy from girl with just a glance. So how could I tell? It was more than just having boobs. Even a flat-chested girl looked like a girl and not a boy. It wasn’t height or bulk either. Boys weren’t much larger than girls in my classes. For a while the girls had been taller, but the boys were catching up and passing them. For the most part the boys were taller than the girls now, but I saw tall girls and short boys in 8th grade. I fell somewhere in the middle. I was taller than most of the girls and shorter than most of the boys. Although I don’t think I’ve really gotten my growth spurt yet.

In the end I decided it was really mostly clothes and hair. I didn’t have all the words for it but even in jeans and a shirt girls had a different look to them than boys. That should be good news for me. I dressed like a boy, blue jeans and a t-shirt. My random mop of hair wasn’t in a girl cut. So that meant I looked like a boy despite my chest growths. At least that’s what I told myself, but the feeling that all of a sudden someone would notice and scream it out to the entire school just wouldn’t go away.

I dreaded PE the most. When I finally completed my death trudge to the boy’s locker room I couldn’t strip to change. I just stood there staring at the corner for what seemed like the longest time, but couldn’t be that long. The bell rang signaling that I was already late. I had to get moving. I forced my arms to move. I took off my baggy long-sleeved shirt off and left the tight t-shirt I had on underneath. Then I threw the baggy t-shirt on over it. Logically I knew that my chest wasn’t any bigger than yesterday, but I needed that extra layer of clothes. Without it I don’t think I could have faced gym class. Even then I was sure that I was exposed.

I was the last one out and late so naturally Coach Teller jumped on me for being slow and had me run the bleachers after the normal warm-up exercises. I didn’t really mind too much. That put me a long distance away from the rest of the class. He kept me running the bleachers for half the class, a long time for merely being late, but Coach Teller used a weighted scale when assigning penalties. The whole time I could feel my chest growths jiggling underneath my shirt as I went up and down the bleachers. Why hadn’t I noticed the jiggle before?

When he finally released me to join basketball I was tired and sweaty. So no one questioned that I stayed in the background breathing heavy and not participating. Before I knew it class was over and we were supposed to change back and shower. I hadn’t lied to Cathy and Hailey. I rarely broke a sweat in gym, but I had today running the bleachers. While it would have felt wonderful to shower and get clean it would have been crazy even before my chest growths. I never showered in gym. I was bullied bad enough with clothes on. With my man boobs getting all perky there I absolutely could not risk getting naked in front of others. I’d just have to stink through my last class and a bus ride home. I swapped out clothes again never taking off the t-shirt underneath. I was very much aware it was damp and clinging to me, but nobody said anything.

Thursday, Jan 24th — Taylor Project Day 24

I made it through my first day with boobs without incident. Nobody noticed. I guess it will be OK for a few weeks. It’s winter and I can wear layers. I have three plain white t-shirts that are tight on me, but I also have a trashbag full of too small clothes that were never donated to Goodwill. I went through them and pulled out four or five old shirts that are too small to wear alone, but will be perfect for wearing underneath another shirt. Hopefully by the time it gets warm again my chest growths will have shrunk up. At least that’s my plan.

Until then, I’ll just keep working out. Rick and Dad weren’t home today and I really pushed myself jogging. I’m also putting myself on a diet. I’m cutting out cokes altogether and I’m going to try to work veggies into my diet. We really only have vegetables when Grandma cooks. When Dad cooks it is usually something like spaghetti or Hamburger Helper.

I did some more reading about boobs. The sore and tender feelings I’ve had are apparently normal when they’re growing. Maybe I could ignore them before because I wasn’t aware of it, but lotion is now my chest’s best friend. Although the sore and tenderness might not just be normal growth. I might have jogger’s nipples. Apparently wearing a loose cotton shirt when running is a bad idea. The shirt rubs against the nipples and that’s bad. Even some male runners actually wear bras because of it or at least so it said on the internet. I’ve never seen any of the guys in track at Pine Hill wearing a bra. I’m not buying a bra, but the website also suggested running topless. No way that I could do that at school. I need the big t-shirt to cover up the chest growths. Maybe I can get away with it at home. Grandma hasn’t peeked in on me once. Anyway, good news is that tomorrow is Friday and the weekend.

Friday, Jan 25th — Taylor Project Day 25

Boobs, boobs, boobs. I made it through my second day without anyone being any wiser. I know my chest growths aren’t that big, but I’m constantly aware of them. It doesn’t help that they itched today. The worst part today was lunchtime. Dave pointed out some girl, I forgot who, but she was wearing a tight red sweater and he claimed that he could see the points of her nipples. I couldn’t see hers, but I was very much aware of my unwanted ones under my shirt.

I tried to jog on the treadmill today without a shirt, but I couldn’t do it. I don’t think Grandma would peek in on me, but I just felt terribly exposed without a shirt on. I know that I’ve got man boobs, not real boobs, but I kept wanting to cover them up. In the end I jogged with two layers, a tight t-shirt and a baggy one over it. I got hot fast and worked up a good sweat that way. I’m getting better at the aerobic workout thing. I’m running farther and faster, but so far the only improvement I’ve seen are on the treadmill numbers.

We had another family date thing: Dad and Julie, Rick, Hailey and me. This time I didn’t have to wear a suit. We did a dinner and a movie thing. Hailey and I sat together and talked the whole time. She’s so easy to get along with. I also love it that Hailey doesn’t seem to like Rick. He looked rather sulky all the way through dinner. The movie was some crime drama and rated R. It wasn’t my first R movie by far, but my first at a theater. I wasn’t that impressed. Hailey gave me a nudge halfway through the film. Our parents were all snuggled up and cuddling.

Hailey is still really excited about our parents dating. I’m not sure where it is leading but we’re supposed to get together again tomorrow to go bowling. I don’t remember the last time I went bowling with Dad. Maybe it was some father’s day a year or two ago? Regardless, usually in the past he went on dates and we stayed home with Grandma. We only found out when it was serious when we woke up and the girlfriend was at the table eating breakfast. This activity together thing is pretty new. I don’t know what I think about Julie as a mom, but having Hailey as a sister would at least be cool.

Chapter Eight

Sunday, Jan 27th — Taylor Project Day 27

Wow, so much happened the past two days I’m not sure where to begin. I was pretty annoyed that we were going all the way to Dallas to go bowling. I hate long car trips. I get car sick if I read or even try to play with my Nintendo. That means I basically have to sit and stare out the window the whole time. Plus Rick always rides up front with Dad because his legs are longer. So I’m shoved into the back seat of a pickup. While an extended cab pickup can carry people in the back, that doesn’t mean it is comfortable. This trip was so much better from the start. First off we took Julie’s car, which isn’t big but is an older model with a real backseat. Second, I got to sit beside Hailey and we talked and listened to her iPod all the way to Dallas. I suppose it is selfish, but it also felt good that it is usually me excluded. Rick and Dad up front talking sports and stuff. This time Dad was driving and talking with Julie, I had Hailey to talk to and it was Rick who was the fifth wheel. I felt a little sorry for him, but not that much.

Once we got there things got even better. I thought we were just going bowling, but we went to this place that had bowling, lunar golf and laser tag. Bowling and lunar golf were fun, but laser tag was a blast. It’s even better than paintball. Dad only sprang for three games, but it was great. They had fog and strobe lights and this maze that you hunt each other through. Hailey and I swore a pact. We didn’t shoot each other even though we were on opposite teams.

We had a pizza buffet for lunch and the day wasn’t even over. The weather had warmed up (go mild Texas winters!) and we headed to a park. Usually with Dad and Rick that would mean they would throw the baseball or football around and made me feel useless. Instead Julie brought out a frisbee. She and dad sat on a blanket and watched while we played. Rick sulked at first and just watched Hailey and me. After a while he joined in. He took most of the fun out of it for me. Hailey and I were just having fun. Rick turned it into a competition zipping the frisbee at me as fast as he could. I think he might have been showing off for Hailey. Anyway that went on for a bit and wasn’t much fun, but it wasn’t long before the frisbee strayed over to Dad and Julie’s blanket. Dad returned it and a few minutes later Dad and Julie joined in and it got fun again. It didn’t matter that I had no skills. Thankfully my allergies behaved and it was just fun.

After a while Rick started making noises about having a date that night so we started driving back. Julie and Dad started talking in the front seat so Hailey and I could hear anything, but clearly they wanted some date time without kids. The problem was that Julie didn’t have a babysitter. It didn’t take long before Dad volunteered Grandma’s services and that Hailey could stay with me. Then she could ride back with Julie afterwards. Hailey and I were sharing these big grins even before they asked our opinion. So she got to stay over late.

I guess it wasn’t quite a sleepover because when Dad and Julie got back a little after one in the morning Hailey had to go home, but we still had a blast. We played Monopoly with Grandma, played some videogames, listened to music and spent some time surfing on the web. Hailey was surprised I had my own computer, TV and game station in my room. She was pretty cool about videogames, too. I didn’t expect her to like them. Most girls don’t, but she beat me at some of them. She also knew some hilarious websites with comics and videos.

We ended up watching movies late in the living room with Grandma snoring off. We talked a lot. I finally got the nerve to admit to Hailey that Dad dated around a lot and she shouldn’t get her hopes up. I didn’t share all of Dad’s wonderful advice. I knew Dad and Julie were probably having sex. That was gross enough. I didn’t want to talk about it. I tried to soften Hailey up for the eventually breakup. I’m not sure it worked. I mentioned how Dad never dated anyone with children before. Hailey jumped onto what a good sign that was. It was like she didn’t want to hear my warning. At least I said it. Still, it was mostly fun. I even thought about asking her about growing boobs, since she’d obviously been there and done that, but I didn’t think that would go over well.

Then right after church Julie and Hailey were back. Julie brought a ton of finger foods and heated up more. Dad brought out bags of chips and cokes. Dad, Rick and Julie ended up on the couch watching football. Hailey and I spent the day playing videogames.

Now I’m picky about the videogames I play. I tend to favor the strategy games and stuff with a story, adventure games and such. Hailey bought over several dance games, Dance Dance Revolution and some others. I knew the dance games existed, but I’d never played them. I generally don’t buy games that have to have special attachments and DDR required a stomp pad. Apparently they were Hailey’s favorite. She made them look simple. Some of the games played a little different, but they were basically the same. You have to step in time to the music as the game directs and the motion sensor watches your arm movements. Cathy showed up a little later and joined in. I was right! She and Hailey did hit it off. So I spent the rest of the afternoon playing the dance games with two girls and I had a great time. I sucked compared to them, but girls just aren’t as competitive about games as guys. It was OK that I sucked and they tried to help me do better and cheered me when I improved. That doesn’t mean girls don’t care about winning. Hailey and Cathy were pretty competitive with each other, but they encouraged each other and me too. It wasn’t like playing with Dad and Rick at all.

I’m tired, too. I think I got a better workout playing dance games than I did on the treadmill. I wonder if I could talk Dad into buying some because they’re good exercise. He might go for it. If not I still have some Christmas money left. Maybe I could pick some up used if he won’t. My nipples are a little sore, too. That’s probably from all the jumping and dancing. I wore double layers, but I was still moving around a lot. I didn’t really notice it at the time, but they feel a bit raw now.

Is it a weird thing that I spent a day playing with girls and had a great time? We played video games. They didn’t do their hair and makeup or anything like that and they didn’t talk about boys. Girls are just easier to get along with. Thinking about it before we moved here I had more friends who were girls than boys. When we moved to Pine Hill it was all segregated. Boys played with boys. Girls played with girls and that was the way it was. The only exception was Cathy, but I’m not sure she counts because we’d already met and played together whenever we’d go to see Grandma and Grandpa. So it wasn’t like I’d just met her at the end of third grade.

Thursday, Jan 31st, Taylor Project Day 31

I haven’t written in a while. I think that’s largely because I’ve been IMing with Hailey. We’ve talked through some of the stuff about allergies and bullying and it helped. Hailey thinks it is mostly reputation. She says that it is small town bullshit (her word). Whether you call it reputation or label, it doesn’t change how everyone sees me. How do I break past Snotty to become Taylor?

Hailey also says that what they’re doing is bullying and I should report it, especially the pushing and tripping. Yeah, right. Maybe that works for girls, but kids aren’t stupid. They know what they can get away with and what they can’t. Pushing my books on the floor, name calling, etc. It’s all covert. It would be just my word against theirs. I get shoved and tripped sometimes, but that never happens when a teacher can see.

I suppose I should update my status:

Journal — check

Allergy-free home — check

Exercise — Check plus plus. I know my workouts are working, because I’m jogging farther and faster when I do jog and I’ve lost weight, but not in the chest. :-( I’m not just jogging any longer. I managed to persuade Dad to buy me a DDR game. It was an older used game, but I was surprised how easily he agreed. On days when Rick and/or Dad are home I’ve been playing that instead of jogging. It’s good aerobic exercise. Besides I’m practicing so I can beat Cathy and Hailey (or at least not get tromped). It’s also a lot more fun than jogging in place.

Bully Target — Checkity check. I haven’t come close to crying all week. The harassment is still there. Kevin Grutz keeps pushing my books onto the floor, because he knows it gets to me, but I haven’t let it. He knocks them down; I pick them up. I’m trying to ignore it and just not giving him an opportunity to push them off my desk in the first place.

Hide Chest Growths — Check. My chest growths are still there. I don’t think they’ve really changed much, but it’s been a little more than a week since I first notice. I’m still nervous in gym and elsewhere, but no one has spotted a thing. I know that I didn’t notice and my doctor didn’t notice. So nobody else should either, but it doesn’t feel that way. At least I’ve gotten past the point where I spend all day obsessing about them. They’re there and they don’t seem to be shrinking yet. I’m hoping that maybe the exercise will kickstart my testosterone.

Anyway, the big news is that Hailey and Julie will be spending the weekend here. They’ll be sleeping on the fold-out bed in the couch. So I'm sorta having my first sleepover. Well, if moms came along for a sleepover. OK, it’s not really a sleepover, but almost. Hailey is real excited about it and Cathy has talked to her mom and can stay over late. Hailey is bringing all her dancing games and we’re planning a dance off marathon. Hailey joked about painting toes and makeovers — no way. I guess what is more important is that it is just one step short of Julie and Hailey moving in with us.

Chapter Nine

“Oh yeah, in your face, Hailey!” I’d just out danced her at the highest difficulty setting, a personal best for me and I was celebrating my victory with a victory boogie. It was all in good fun though because Hailey still won most of the time. I sat down, because it was a two-player game and our rule was that the winner rotated out so everyone had a turn. “Whew, it’s hot in here.”

Today was Groundhog Day today. Whether that rodent saw his shadow or not it was pretty obvious we weren’t going to have six more weeks of winter. The grass outside was already turning green and some flowers were already popping up. Winter was still hanging in there at least at night. We’d had the heater on last night, but today the Texas sun was shining. As a result it was getting pretty warm inside, especially when dancing my way to victory. To cool down I started fanning myself with my shirt as Cathy and Hailey selected what song they were going to dance to.

Cathy glanced back. “Well, why don’t you take off one of those shirts?”

“No no! I can’t do that.” The panicked words spilled out of my mouth before my brain engaged. I immediately realized they were a mistake.

Cathy turned to me with a puzzled look on her face. “What’s wrong, Scott?”

“Nothing.” Stupid, stupid, stupid, now they knew something was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t too late. “I mean. You’re probably right. I’ll go take off one of the shirts.”

“Scott Taylor Miller, you are a lousy liar. What’s going on?”

Hailey abruptly switched off the game and turned to face me. “I think I know. You’re hiding bruises aren’t you? You’ve got to stop covering up for your abusers. It’s Kevin isn’t it? If he has escalated to punching you, then you’ve got to say something. It will only get worse.”

Cathy looked at me with a face full of worry. “Is that it? She’s right if Kevin is punching you then you’ve got to speak up.”

“It’s not that.” I felt even hotter than before embarrassed and scared at the same time. What was I going to tell them?

Hailey came over and sat down on my bed beside me. “It’s not your father or Rick is it?”

“What? No! Dad and I don’t always see eye-to-eye. OK, we usually don’t see eye-to-eye, but he doesn’t hit me. I haven’t even had a spanking in years.” I felt tears and tried to hold them in. They were going to find out. “It’s not Rick either. It’s just… personal.”

Cathy sat down and hugged me from the side. “If it’s your secret, as long as no one is hurting you, I won’t tell. Pinky promise.”

I looked at Cathy. I knew she wouldn’t tell and I didn’t see any way I was going to get out of this without telling her and Hailey. It was Hailey that I worried about. I counted her as a friend now, but we just didn’t have the history that Cathy and I did. What if this freaked her out? I didn’t see any way out. “OK, but all of us have to swear.” I held out my pinky. “It’s our secret. Pinky swear.”

Cathy immediately joined. “Swear to God and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.”

Hailey hesitated. “As long as no one is hurting you, I won’t tell.”

I looked at them and I was crying — again. I hated being a crybaby. If there were two people who wouldn’t tell it would be these two, but I didn’t know how to say it. The words wouldn’t come. “Maybe, I’d better just show you. Just don’t freak.” Deliberately I took off the baggy shirt I wore. That left just the little tight t-shirt on.

Hailey caught on first. “Oh, I’m sorry. I can see why you’re embarrassed.”

“Scotty, you’ve got boobs!” added Cathy.

“Shhh, shh, shh, keep it down. I don’t want Grandma to hear us.” She was half-asleep watching TV, but it would be a disaster if she walked in now.

“But how?” asked Cathy.

Now that the moment worst was over words didn’t feel so stuck. “It’s not that uncommon. You know in health they told us that hormones trigger puberty: estrogen for girls and testosterone for boys. Well, won’t they don’t tell you is that girls have some testosterone and boys have some estrogen. Sometimes when puberty is just starting the hormones get a little out of whack. I just got a little too much estrogen at the moment. It happens to a lot of boys it’s called gynecomastia. It usually sorts itself out in a few months and goes away.”

Cathy shook her head. “That’s not a little out of whack, Scotty. You look like you’re an A-cup at least.”

“I thought it was just man boobs,” said Hailey. “But now that I really look it’s not just the boobs is it? You’ve got a girl shape. You don’t just go straight up and down. You’ve got a waistline. I’ve never seen you when you weren’t in baggy clothes, but now that you’re just in that t-shirt it’s obvious.”

I had a waistline? “No, I’m just a little overweight. Some people are apple shaped, I’m a pear. My body fat goes to my butt. Haven’t you heard my father talk about my fat ass?”

“No.” Hailey didn’t sound convinced. “But our parents have been on their best manners. I haven’t seen him yell at all. Does he put you down a lot?”

“No, he doesn’t put me down. He just gets angry sometimes.”

“Sometimes he puts you down, Scotty. I’ve heard him talk about your fat ass. He’s not teasing. Your Dad is mostly a good guy, but he’s hard on you sometimes. Anyway, that’s not the point. So you’ve seen a doctor about your, um, breasts?” asked Cathy.

“No, I looked it up on the internet. If I see a doctor then Dad will know and Rick will find out and he’ll blab. It’s bad enough that I have allergies. I do not want to be known as the boy who is growing boobs.”

Cathy paused and then nodded. “OK, I definitely see that. You’ve got enough trouble at school. Rick and your father are all no pain, no gain. I can’t see either of them being understanding, but I’m not sure about this not going to the doctor.”

Hailey piped in, “Hey, would all that estrogen be why you like girl stuff?”

“I don’t like girl stuff.”

Hailey looked at me with disbelief. “Uh-huh, who just did all the moves to ‘All the Single Ladies’?”

I blushed. “OK, but it’s just a game. Sure, when we’ve been playing dancing games a lot, but it’s not like we paint toes and have slumber parties and everything. I’m not into sports, but I play videogames and other boy stuff.”

Hailey looked at me oddly. “Your two best friends are girls. You spend as much time IMing as I do. Your favorite videogames are dance games, Harvest Moon and the Sims. Harvest Moon is totally a girl game. As for the Simms, how exactly is it different from playing with dolls?”

“Hey, don’t knock the Sims. Lot’s of guys play the Sims. They’re not dolls. I build and design houses and stuff, you know. It’s a game. I don’t own dolls or stuffed animals. I like boy stuff.” Although I couldn’t think of an example right then. I didn’t like to pump iron. “I jog. I, um, play paintball. I like games and stuff and math and science.” That was lame and I knew it, but still didn’t change the facts. “I’m a boy!”

“Whoa, easy Scott. Of course, you’re a boy.” Cathy stroked my back.

“Boy scouts!” I finally thought of another example. “I liked boy scouts.”

“I’m sorry, Scott. I didn’t mean to question your manhood. Forget I said anything.”

“It’s OK.” Although I’m not sure it was. Not because she was wrong, but because I was afraid she was right. I did like a lot of girly stuff. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe when my testosterone kicked in I’d bulk up like Dad and Rick and suddenly decide that football was cool. God, I hoped not.

“Hey Scott, why don’t you show us those websites?” Cathy was deliberately changing the subject. “I don’t have a computer at home.”

“That’s a good idea,” agreed Hailey. “Show us what you found.”

“OK, but I’m going to put my shirt back on first. I don’t want Grandma peeking in and catching us.” After I covered back up we all sat around my computer while and I showed them some of the sites that I found. They didn’t entirely reassure the girls.

Hailey wasn’t really happy with what I showed her. “I don’t know, Scott. It says you should see a doctor.”

“It also says it goes away usually within six months. I see my allergy doctor every six months. I saw him right after Halloween. I had my shirt off then and he didn’t see anything. I didn’t notice anything until January. I go back to see him at the end of April. That’s just only two months away.” I’d been thinking about that deadline a bit recently. That’s when I’d be caught. Unlike Doc Buford my allergy doctor always made me take off my shirt to check my breathing. “I’m not going to sneak this past him. There are a couple of things I’m sure the doc will notice.”

Cathy giggled. “You stole that line from Mulan.”

“Yeah? Well, it’s a good line. Anyway, I’ve been exercising and dieting. I’m hoping this will go down before then. It usually reverses on its own.”

Hailey nodded reluctantly. “OK, I see your point. Two months is a fair deadline and it does say they usually just wait and see.”

“So how have you managed to hide it so long?” asked Cathy. “Even with that oversized shirt you have on now, I can tell now if I really look. Why haven’t they noticed when you showered in gym class?”

“I don’t shower in gym class.”

“Ewe.” Both Cathy and Hailey made the same expression of disgust.

“I take back what I said before. No doubt about it; you’re a boy,” said Hailey.

“Hey, it’s PE. It’s cold in the gym and even when we go outside we hardly ever do anything to break a sweat. It’s not like we’re lifting weights or jogging. I shower after I jog. I sweat more playing dance games with you two. You two aren’t about to rush off and shower on me are you?” I didn’t go into how I never showered for gym class even before that.

“So are you using anything for support?” asked Hailey.

“Support? You mean like a bra?” Oh, no no no no, this was temporary.

Hailey nodded. “Exactly like a bra. I think you’ve got more than enough to fill an A-cup.”

“Back to the point from before. I’m not a girl. I’m a boy with hormone issues. Boys don’t wear bras. I want to hide them. I don’t want to lift them up and make them more obvious than they already are.”

“Don’t knock them till you try them.” Hailey giggled. “Not all bras lift them up and make them obvious. Sports bras flatten and hold them in place. If you wore one under your shirt it would help hide them. You should think about trying one, especially if you’re jogging.”

“First, I’m a boy and I’m not wearing a bra. Second, a bra has straps that you can sometimes see under a shirt. The last thing I need is to get caught wearing a bra at school. I’d never live that down.” Girls could wear boy clothes and be cool or at worst a tomboy. A boy in a bra would immediately be labeled a fag to the entire school. I had enough of that already. I didn’t need more. “Can we just drop this now?”

In a sudden burst of inspiration I realized how to get them off the topic of me. I knew it would work, too. It was part of the girl code or something. “I just shared my deepest darkest secret with you two. I think you two owe me a secret in return.”

Hailey frowned for a second and then nodded. “I guess that’s fair.”

Cathy responded quietly, “You already know mine, Scott. You were there. You saved me.”

It took a moment to realize what she was talking about. Then it clicked. “I didn’t do that much.”

Hailey leaned forward to look around me to Cathy. She dropped her voice. “I don’t know this. What happened?”

“It was last year in the fall. Scott and I were walking home from the bus stop together. Rick wasn’t there that day.” Cathy’s voice sounded like she was telling a ghost story, scared and lost.

“He had football practice.”

“Did he? Why is that a surprise, of course he did. Anyway it was just me and Scott and someone followed us. He was older an adult. No one ever follows us, but I wasn’t worried. I knew him vaguely. Just that he was Howie Booth and he went to our church. Scott and I were walking and talking when he came up behind us and scooped me up. It was warm and I had on a dress and he reached his hand up and grabbed my panties.”

What? He did? I didn’t remember that part. I just remember him scooping Cathy up. The scene was still etched in my mind. Big old Howie Booth scooping up Cathy like she was a child. I didn’t remember his hand up her dress. Why had she never said anything?

Hailey had laid a hand gently on Cathy’s arm. “You don’t have to continue.”

Cathy was crying. “No, I can continue. It’s OK. That’s as bad as it got. He put his hand on me, but just felt around outside. I’m sure he would have done a lot more, but that’s when Scott kicked him in the shin. Scott yelled at him to put me down and the creep did. We took off running and raced to Scott’s house and pounded on the door. We told our parents. We went to the police station later that evening and picked him up in a line up. Mom later said he ended up going to jail. I don’t know what they charged him with, but I’ve never seen him again.”

The memories were coming back strongly now, my one moment of insane bravery. Booth was twice my size. He so could have kicked my ass. Yet it was Cathy and for one time in my life I had acted in my crisis. It was one of the few times I can remember my father being proud of me. I also remembered the outcome. “Dad said he was a pervert and already had a charge of indecent exposure so he was going away for a long time. He also said Mr. Booth was a little slow.”

“So that’s my deep dark secret. I’ve never been kissed by a boy, but I was fondled and almost raped.”

Something else clicked for me. “I’ve never seen you wear a skirt or a dress since that day. Not even to church. Is that why?”

“Yeah, that’s why. I just feel exposed in them now.”

“You should wear them again. You look good in skirts and dresses.”

“Spoken like a boy. It’s not just that. Any time you’re in a skirt all the boys in school try to look up it. It’s a pain. I tell you what. You wear a bra and I’ll wear a skirt.”

“No way.” This was getting back to me. So I deflected. “Hailey, what’s your deep dark secret?”

“It’s a lot like Cathy’s. My dad used to abuse Mom and me. Not sexual. At least not me, but verbal and sometimes he’d hit. That’s why I asked about hiding bruises. I know about hiding bruises. My momma used to hide hers.”

 

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To Be Continued...