These are the thoughts of a long forgotten diary right before it receives its final entry from an unexpected author.
Warning: This is a bit darker than what I usually write.
A Final Entry
Copyright 2008 by Heather Rose Brown
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How long has it been since I was stashed under Lori's mattress? Days? Weeks? Months? Without daily entries, I have no way of marking the passage of time, but it does feel like it's been a while. My spine aches from not having been opened.
The shock of feeling weight on my back through the mattress gives me a surge of hope. Lori's returned! The few blank pages I have left are filled with anticipation.
Why is she waiting so long to pull me out? Doesn't she realize how much I've missed hearing what's been going on in her life? Finally! No, I'm not on that side of the bed. Why are you reaching for me there? Ah, you found me!
Wait a minute. You're not Lori. You're her mom! What are you doing with me? How'd you find her key? No, don't open me! Don't you know these are private, personal thoughts Lori only shared with me?
I can't believe it. You've read every page. Don't you have any respect at all? Hold on there. What are you doing with that pen?
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Comments
Outstanding
where's the kleenexes... Looks like a two boxer...
Now if I could just figure out how to vote. I can't seem to find the vote button!
Simple and Dark....
While this story is short, and definately dark, it commands a presence and is something timeless that will always have meaning.
Thank you for sharring this piece.
-HuGgLeS-
-Piper
I actually LIKE image SIGs!
Interesting hook
Interesting how you aranged to postpone our knowing what had actually happened in this way. I suspect many of us were suspicious due to the warnings of "darkness". Well done.
MORE!
Alright Heather, now you need to put this into a longer story. What all happened before this? Don't leave us hanging. (Unless I've missed something, and there is already your story archive.)
Much love.
Toni
Crying at work
Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
Dark yes
But important to say,in a small amount of writing your posting makes a stronger statement than some storys of novel length.Powerfull,gripping and close to home.Thanks Amy
i would say short & sweet, but...
it was'nt sweet - it was a piece that wrenched my emotions (my bin is now full of tissues). Very well written and a clever take on this type of story. it could be extended (as some have asked) but it stands well on its own. your writing goes from strength to strength so please carry on with stories of ths calibre.
maurice
Touch the heart
Heather Rose you have a deft touch that lets you touch the heart of matters. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Excuse me but I have some tears to dry.
hugs!
grover
More?
I like this story just fine the way it is. There was a suicide, a mother is grieving, we feel the horror and sadness of a tragedy that might have, SHOULD have been avoided, if only poor Lori had talked to the right person, who (though she obviously couldn't see it) was right there all along ........... To me these were enough details. To use the metaphor of a car crash, I really don't want to see the gobbets of bloody flesh all over the road- which is to say Lori's diary entries, which must be absolute heartbreak (unless she was putting up a false front even with her diary, which I doubt). And I'm not pulling any holier-than-thou stuff here, see how sensitive I am; I just know from experience with t.g. suicide stories that are really explicit, that toss you into the whirlpool of the character's despair, while these can make for some powerful and excellent literature, let's just say a little of this sort of thing goes a long way for me. Stories like Michelle Wilder's TO DREAM, Jill Micayla's POISONED BY PREJUDICE, and Darla Raspberry's THE WOMAN WITHIN. Brilliant writing, but bleak and terrifying; and a potential trigger for those in whom the self-annihilating impulse lies not far under the surface of their daily thoughts, so I appreciate Heather Rose's responsibility & restraint with this moving story...
~~~hugs, LAIKA
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Really well done
Personifying the diary was a great device. The disconnect in communication is heartrending. I don't think you should have put the warning in your teaser, just kicked us in the guts with the story for maximum effect,
Sob,sniffle,
Joanne
Rain on the Parade?
Obviously I'm in a real minority here, but I feel the need to post a differing view.
I found the opening, as spoken by the diary, way too cute for this subject matter. To me, the contrast between it and the note was so great that it reduced the emotional impact of the message. I tend to be hit hard by emotional stories, and this one left me dry-eyed.
On second reading, the problem for me isn't (as I originally thought) that the diary is talking in an upbeat manner inconsistent with what it needs to tell us. That's not the case here; the diary's comments are as serious as one can present them. The problem is that "playing it straight" just doesn't seem to me to be the way to read a story being told by an inanimate object. If that's my limitation rather than the story's or the storyteller's -- and from the other comments here it may well be -- I guess I need to accept that. I just have trouble believing I'm alone on this.
I've read other short-short stories in this vein, but even when they're going for pathos -- I vaguely recall one told by a teddy bear after the death of its owner -- the point they're making seems to center around the inherent inability of the object telling the story to understand what happened. That's not the case here (and I'm not suggesting that it should be); one certainly gets the impression, for what it's worth, that the diary will fully comprehend the situation now that Lori's mother has explained it.
Perhaps my problem is that the opening makes it seem to me that this is the diary's story rather than Lori's. As a consequence, simply learning what happened to Lori doesn't quite satisfy. On the other hand, having the diary resume the narration at the end couldn't do anything but dilute the feel.
I'm forced to the conclusion that short of telling the story third-person from the mother's POV and eliminating the diary's personification, there's no way this story can work for me.
Sorry, Eric
Not every story
is going to work for every reader. That doesn't lessen how good the story is. I personally think Alexandre Dumas, while able to think of amazing storylines and core plots (Three Musketeers, Count of Monte Cristo), is one of the most overly-descriptive writers, EVER. The books just don't "work for me" just like this story doesn't "work" for you. That doesn't invalidate the literary quality of those works, though, does it?
Fair Enough, Edeyn...
Your point is well taken.
Fact is, I'd never argue that a story lacks quality simply because I can't appreciate it, and I'm certainly not saying that about this one. (If I had felt that way, a look at the comments here would have set me straight.)
Eric
The pain of this story...
...BLEEDS through crystal clear to me. A mother lost her child! If a person does not cry at that then they are inhuman.
Not Sure Whether I've Changed...
...that much in the past six years, or what.
But coming back to it all this time later, the story works fine for me now, as my watery eyes are reminding me.
Thanks and kudos, Heather.
Eric
Thank you!
This isn't the sort of story I usually tell, but when it came to me, I just felt like I couldn't not tell it. I'm glad you still found it moving, even after all these years. :)
Trembling Paws
Huggles Cuz
Wow you did it again. I didn't see this one coming and when it did hit me, it knocked me for six. Without a doubt ... you are one of the most powerful per word writers I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing.
It was a wonderful tale, short on words, long on power and effect.
Hugs and love Maggie
Eep!
Oh wow! I hadn't expected so many people to be voting for and leaving comments on this story. Thank you everyone!
{{{warm huggs}}}
Writer--Artist--Dreamer
Belated thanks
Very sad.
A neat litle writing experiment. I'm sure she's dead but a small part of me hopes she failed -- attempted suicide, mom did not say committed -- and is in a mental hospital under treatment for depression and mom wants to find out why so she can understand her daughter when she come home.
That likely is not the case but I am a sucker for the Disney ending.
Teen suicide happens even without the pressure of TG. It's always such a waste but then the child doen't know that. They are suffering and can't think straight.
You have stock in Kleenex, don't you, Heather?
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I would hate to think that is
I would hate to think that is based in fact. Communications is always the key. I've been reading these stories for a couple of months now and have read many outstanding ones but I have been reticent to give cudos... you just got my first one.
and to add...
...never fail to tell someone how they positively bear on your life... they may actually need to hear that. Everyone needs to be needed.
So sad
that made me burst into tears when I finished reading it.
I'm sorry...
I didn't mean to make you cry. I wrote this story in a kinda dark part of my life. There's been times I've thought about takin' it down, but it also feels like a story I really needed to tell. I hope it didn't upset you too much.