Dearest friend,

There are some things that I need to say.

I love you. I cannot promise to be perfect, or always do the right thing. I can promise to be as honest as I am able.

Recently, I told you that something you said made me sad, well, I may have said it wrong. Please understand that you cannot make me do anything. No, I will not give you that power to hurt me. It is too great a responsibility to give to anyone. So I hold myself totally responsible for how I feel and what I do about it.

What I meant to say is that I feel sadness when I hear you say negative things about yourself. I would hold and cuddle you if I could, but the circumstances do not allow that. So I open my heart to you, and share the truth of how I feel. And I try to explain with the best words that I can find.

Please remember, I am not sharing my feelings with you to cause any kind of harm. I do not think you understand that how you feel about yourself affects those of us who love you. I hope that the revelation of how I feel will lead you to try and see yourself though my eyes. I believe if only you could, then you would not be so down on yourself.

I see you as being braver than you imagine. I believe you have strength beyond your understanding. I know that you have a strong love and deep compassion for others. Yet, it is that kindness that I fear you are not giving yourself.

It is not that I do not understand your denial. I was there a few years back, and in many ways I am still there. Bravery is not being fearless. It is how you live despite the fear. So many things in my life scare me. Some I push through, and others I allow to slow me down. Like they say, you have to choose your battles.

Now, more specifically, I know that you are a trans-woman and what that means before you come out. I know the fear of hurting those you love, and the accompanying fear of loss that will probably result from it. Even being optimistic, most of use lose at least part of our family. Given that statistic, I am not sure if calling it fear is even valid because it is not entirely an unknown. However, you never can tell what response that you will find. Some people surprise you. The best you can do is to allow them to follow their own path.

Do not think that the issue of being a trans-woman is different than any other big life issue that involves family. You have the same fears if you feel you need to change your occupation or your religion. Or more recently even your political party. We all have to weigh our options. But in the long run, it becomes a matter of pursuing our own happiness or sacrificing for others.

How you make that decision is again something that only you can do. I will not fault you no matter what you decide. I will follow my promise to you. If I think you have made your decision based upon bad information, then I will tell you so. I hope you value that in me. It means that you will never have to worry about what I am thinking. So now you can give up one fear or so.

I do understand that employment concerns are also very big. Nowadays, being employed seems to be a privilege. Doing something that may risk your employment is probably a bad idea. If you cannot transition at work, then you should either find a place to work where you can, or wait until you feel you are able to. I do not see anything chicken about keeping a roof over your head and food on the table.

Finally, I should tell you that I do not waste my time and emotional energy on those I do not feel are worthy of it. You may reject my assessment, but you will never be able to change it. But in the future, I hope you learn to say “Thank you” and accept it as part of who you are.

I would like to leave you with a bit of wisdom that empowers me even when I am doing nothing. By accepting my decision to not change, I know that I am in control of my life and I stop being a victim. I am being who I choose to be at this moment, and I find that understanding to be very liberating.

Your concerned sister,
Cassie Ellen