I became estranged from my family on Dec 23, 2004. I don't know whose Idea it was but recently I wrote a letter to my youngest daughter and her husband refused to take delivery, saying she did not want it. I took the loss of the family very hard and some of you will recall that I was hospitalized a half dozen times, tried suicide twice and spent 3 years on some very heavy psych drugs.
The last two years have been the happiest days of my life, until I wrote that letter.
In the last few days, things have caught up with me and yesterday, I agreed to go back on the drugs, the heavier the better. I've been thinking suicde all the time, but this time damit, there are so many people who care about me, that I can't hurt them.
The Docs have said that this event took me clear back to the time of the original incident and it will take some time for me to recover. I also decided that I will not try for reconciliation again, and the Doctors agree. This is a really sad realization in my life.
To those of you who have already suffered this pain, I now understand. I am profoundly sorry.
Gwendolyn
Comments
I'm so sorry for your pain hon
I have no words of comfort, other than to let you know you're loved and prayed for.
Biggest hugs possible.
I Have So Much To Thank You For
Gwen,
You are one of the reasons I write. You told some others, including Holly, about my first book. Because of what you did, things took off. Thank you. Please stick around.
Portia
Overcome with grief
Gwendolyn, I consider you a friend. I hate that ou have had a hard time and pray that things get better for you.
May Your Light Forever Shine
No Suicide
I thought that I had specifically said that I would not do suicide. After re-reading my blog, I realise that I was not as specific as I had thought.
I will not be doing suicide. As someone I know and love says, "You Can Take That To The Bank".
Gwendolyn
It's too painful...
...to realize that some things can't be fixed or reconciled, no matter how hard we try. In my case, I can't go back to my parents to confront them and seek forgiveness as well as forgive; they've been gone for decades, and I've reconciled myself to forgiving them. In your case, your family still lives, but the hope has been deferred for so long. You've reached out and been rejected, and that has to hurt more than any disappointment I can remember because they have the opportunity to make things right but choose otherwise.
I found your blog very earnest; the estrangement of a child who still is alive feels so hopeless and profoundly sad enough to wish the pain go away by whatever means. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only hope that I will be as brave in the face of it should I ever gain enough courage to tell my son about Andrea. Thank you, dear heart.
Love, Andrea Lena
Feeling sorry for yourself.
Lately, I have been queen of that, and it is probably tiresome to some.
THEN, I was talking to someone in my church today who had 6 children, and then her husband said he was Gay. As the children grew up, suddenly she has two of her girls that won't talk to her. In my opinion, her husband abandoned her with 6 children. I may think that I feel deeply the loss of my children, but I must say that a mother who has born children, raised them alone, and then they don't talk to her? Now that is LOSS.
Before, someone gets all steamed up, the crime was not in that the husband was Gay, but that he abandoned her, with no money.
Then, she told me that another family she knows have three autistic daughters, and by the way they act, I would never have guessed.
So, this just shows that no matter how much I think things are bad, someone else has it worse.
Much Peace
Gwendolyn
Oh, if only something I could do!
If I could, I would hug you, but all I can do is pray. I hope that somehow you can feel us reaching out to you with our love!
Love ya, hun!
Wren
Hang on in there Gwen.
I can understand some of the hurt you feel Gwen but not all of it. To understand other parts of that hurt, one must have gone through it or something like it, one'self.
I do however know how much hurt such rejection brings and how hard it is to find reconciliation. Sometimes that reconciliation can never come and through no fault of one's own. That is the crux when one is forced to choose a path from several options. You have reached that junction, that milestone when you can only look forward and no longer look back. Your realization that you now have to look forward and not back will be a major thread tying your life, body and soul together. That thread will make you flexible and strong where before your have unwittingly tended to be brittle and weak.
Hang on in there Gwen,
Love,
Bev.
XXX