Nancy Patterson’s Criss-crossed Christmas Pageant
By Jennifer Brock

Nancy Patterson’s Christmas Pageant would be talked about for years, but not the way she’d been dreaming it would. (No offense is intended toward those who are active in their respective congregations.)

Tues, Dec 4

This was going to be her year to shine, she just knew it. The way things were falling into place, it was as though it had been foreordained. She’d put in her time on the oh-so-boring Christian Ed Committee, and had supported Bonnie Kendall last summer when she wanted to control the curriculum for the Vacation Bible School. This year the Christmas Pageant would be Nancy’s show! It almost didn’t happen, but then last August Helen Gardener, her only real competition for the job, had to move away when her husband’s company transferred him to Cincinnati. Nancy had been doing her research ever since then, and had a plan for how her pageant would be the best that Second Baptist had ever seen. She knew that fate was on her side when Kelly Turner had her baby in October, and little Rachel had proven to be the quietest and best behaved baby in the history of babies in church. She never made a peep, even when she wasn’t sleeping through the service. Nancy knew that she had to get Kelly to agree to let her use Rachel in the show — she’d be perfect as Baby Jesus, and would be loads better than the doll they usually used. A real live baby would be just the hook to get people talking. A girl playing Jesus shouldn’t bother anyone; babies were pretty much asexual.

Jim could have been a little more enthusiastic, though. She came rushing home from the board meeting and he made her wait until the commercial to tell him her news. “Honey, guess what?” He just shrugged, so she had to answer her own question. “I got it! They named me as Christmas Pageant Director for this year. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“That’s just great, Dear. Now move out of the way before Law & Order comes back on.”

“Don’t you understand what this means? I’ll have complete control over casting decisions, so that means Elizabeth will get to be the star. She was almost getting too old, but she’ll be perfect as Mary.”

“Our Elizabeth? As the Virgin Mary? She’s all arms and legs and tripping over her big feet these days. I’m not so sure she’d want to be on display up in front of people.”

“It’s tough being an eleven-year-old girl. She’s having an awkward little growth spurt right now, but she’s still the prettiest one in her class.”

“If you really think so. You’d know more about being an eleven-year-old-girl than I would, so I guess I’ll have to believe you on this. But don’t blame me when it blows up in your face.”

“I got Mike Sloan to agree to give us all the big empty cardboard boxes from his appliance store so I can use them to make my manger set. I’ve downloaded some plans from the internet for how to build it. It’s even got this hobby-horse kind of thing with a head on a stick for the donkey that carries Mary down the aisle, and when they get to the stable the stick goes in a slot so it seems to be looking out of a stall. The camels for the Wise Men do the same thing.”

“That actually sounds pretty cool.”

“Good. Bonnie volunteered Pete’s truck to help move the cardboard, and you’re helping him. They’ll meet you after church on Sunday. I want to get the stuff into the Sunday School rooms on time so I can get the junior high youth group to help with the construction.”

“But there’s an important game on Sunday. I can’t miss it.”

“You can and you will. If we’re going to make this the best pageant this town has seen it will require a few sacrifices from us all.”

“Talk down at the bar says the Methodists are going to have real sheep in their pageant this year. I’m not so sure you’ll be able to compete.”

“I never listen to rumors. You’re helping out on Sunday, and that’s final!”

Sunday, Dec 9

Nancy’s session in the morning where she met with all the kids to cast their parts went great. And Kelly agreed to let Rachel be in the play, as long as she herself could be sitting in the front row to watch out if anything went wrong. She helped Denise Cooper, the craftiest member of the quilting club, take all the children’s measurements, and they went through the old box of costumes together to figure out what would work and what wouldn’t, and Nancy sketched out some ideas for her on how they could be improved.

The junior high youth group even had fun working with the big sheets of cardboard, and they seemed to understand how to turn the diagrams she’d downloaded into reality. Steve and Judy Washburn, the youth leaders, thanked Nancy for picking them instead of the senior high kids to do the project, and thought that there shouldn’t be any difficulty getting it all ready on time.

She was in a wonderful mood that evening, but then sure enough as soon as she got home Jim was ready to pop her holiday cheer balloon.

“Everything’s coming together nicely. I tell you, Honey, this is Second Baptist’s year to shine. My pageant will be one for the memory books.”

“Don’t get your hopes up. I was talking to Kyle down at the hardware store, and he said that Ed Phillips was in there looking for temporary fencing that the Methodists could use to hold the sheep, so it’s definite.”

“Whatever. I don’t see what the big deal is, anyway. People don’t want to see smelly animals in church at Christmas; they want to see cute kids singing sweet carols. And that’s what we’ll deliver.”

“I hear Father Barb’s going for controversy this year.”

“Just because Reverend Carter made an alternative lifestyle choice, I don’t think you should call her ‘Father.’ What’s she doing now, anyway?”

“It seems she decided that the Episcopalians would have an ‘accurate’ nativity play this year with old geezers as wise men and teenagers as shepherds and she says the Holy Family were actually quite young, so she’s having Colleen Matthews play Mary.”

“Oh no! They’ll get all the word-of-mouth. Why would she pick someone like her to be the mother of Jesus?”

“I guess it makes some sense, since Mary was also unmarried and pregnant at the time, but how will they make her look un-pregnant after the kid is supposed to be born?” Jim thought of something and laughed. “Hey! do you suppose they’ll get Tim West to play God? He’s the one who knocked her up, after all.”

“I don’t think anyone’s proven that.”

“Come on! You just know it. That kid is a no-good bum and she’s stupid for letting him do that.”

“This is not what I wanted to talk about! You’re just making me so angry! Just go back to watching your game.”

“Ok. (Thank God for Tivo.)”

Sunday, Dec 16

The sets were coming along nicely, the kids were excited and eager to learn their parts, but as soon as the rehearsal started everything started falling apart. Nancy had taped lines on the floor of the Fellowship Hall to imitate where everything was up in the sanctuary, and the kids seemed to understand the concept. Elizabeth only tripped a couple times coming down the aisle, but Jeffrey Duncan, who was playing Joseph, was there to catch her. When they got to the part where, while a scripture was being read describing the birth, Elizabeth was to go down to the front row and Kelly handed Rachel to her. Rachel started fussing immediately, and Elizabeth was a little scared and didn’t quite hold her right, but carried her back to her spot in the tableau without tripping. However, the baby started crying and would not stop. Kelly stood up and started to go help, but Rachel’s older brother, nine-year-old Justin, broke formation from where he was standing with the other shepherds waiting for their entrance cue and got to his baby sister in no time. He picked her up and she stopped crying almost immediately. He tried showing Elizabeth how to hold her, but as soon as Rachel was back in her arms she started screaming again. Justin took his sister back and stood there holding her until she calmed down. Elizabeth got out of her chair and let Justin have it, so she could see how you’d hold a baby while sitting. He gently sat down and cradled Rachel in his arms, smiling down at her face. Nancy could swear the baby was smiling back.

Kelly made an aside to Nancy, “He has been such a helper with her. I was afraid the age difference would be an issue, but they have definitely bonded. And most of it just came naturally to him; I didn’t have to show him much at all.”

Denise got the idea that started the avalanche. She took a blue scarf from the wardrobe box and went over and draped it over Justin’s head, pinning it with bobby pins so that only the golden bangs of his “bowl” haircut peeked out. She stepped back and pointed, asking Nancy, “Is this or is this not the perfect image of a Madonna and child?”

Ignoring the vocabulary Denise had acquired while growing up Catholic, Nancy had to agree that Justin was a truly beautiful child, and the baby was behaving with him far better than she had for Elizabeth. A girl baby Jesus was one thing, but a boy Mary? Did she dare? A live baby was the key to her whole pageant, and if Justin was the only one she’d behave for, there was nothing she could do about it. She wished she’d come up with an alternative baby they could have tried, but she was stuck. Nancy nodded and said, “Yeah, ok. Let’s let Justin try being Mary and see how it goes.”

Elizabeth spoke up. “But, Mommy, if he’s going to be Mary? What will I do? You said I was going to have an important part.” Nancy tried to think for a moment, but she wasn’t fast enough for her daughter. “Hey! If we’ve got a girl Jesus and a boy Mary, how about you let me be Joseph?”

Nancy took a look at Elizabeth’s lanky body wearing her best khakis and the short hair style she got for playing soccer, and realized that it was easier to see her as a boy at that moment than it was to see Justin as one. She had Elizabeth get down on one knee beside the chair like Jeffrey had been, and it looked “right.”

But before she could say anything else, Denise got another crazy idea. “They look good together up there. Since we’ve gone this far, what if we switched everybody up, with boys as angels and sheep and girls as kings and shepherds?”

The kids all thought it would be fun, or at least the ones who didn’t weren’t as loud as the ones who did, so it all sort of happened before Nancy could express an opinion one way or the other. Before she knew it, a pack of girls who had until that moment been a unified host of angels were crowding her and asking who got to be the three kings. The four littlest girls, who had been sheep, could be swapped with the four junior shepherds easily enough, but which of the three older girls would make the best kings? Nancy looked around and a flash of inspiration hit her. There was more diversity in the girls than there had been among the boys. Her three kings would be Debbie Washington, who even though her mother was lily white was still brown as a UPS truck, Kimberly Stevens, the adopted Chinese girl (or was it Korean?), and Danielle Baker, who was so pale that her parents never let her outside in the summer, and people said she might be an alibino. They would add an exotic flair that the three regular-looking boys who’d previously had the roles would not have brought to them. The rest of the girls would get to be the shepherds.

She felt sorry for Jeffrey for losing his plum role after he’d been so good to Elizabeth, so she made him the angel with the speaking lines, while all the other boys were just the chorus. At first, the boys were reluctant to be angels, saying that they were girly roles, but then Bonnie spoke up and asked them if they could name any angels. They couldn’t, so then she told them about Gabriel, who blows a horn on Judgment Day, and Michael, who wields a flaming sword, and the boys thought that was pretty cool. She then told them to read their bibles and they can find that usually angels look like men when they want to look like people, not women, such as the nice young man who appeared by Jesus’ tomb. As the Sunday school coordinator, Bonnie tried to seize any opportunity to teach a lesson.

Nancy was losing control of the situation, but eventually all the kids settled into their new roles, and she ran through the program smoothly. They each got to take their printed parts home with them to learn their lines, and there would be a special dress rehearsal on Saturday afternoon. Denise had attached notes about costuming to each script, but that had been before the switch around, so she just told them to try to follow the notes, but not to worry if something didn’t make sense. Nancy wasn’t sure what that was about, so she just let it go.

She didn’t even get to tell Jim herself about the disaster. Elizabeth had gotten to him first and was all wound up about it and rushed to tell him immediately. She was too happy not to have to be Mary, and really thought she’d have fun as Joseph, and wanted her Daddy to help her learn to be a boy. She was so sincere that at least Jim couldn’t laugh in her face. Since Joseph was a carpenter, he decided to take her out to his workshop in the garage and teach her to make something from wood. He came to bed all proud of his daughter that Nancy couldn’t vent about anything with him. It was just as well; he’d probably only want to talk about those sheep again.

Saturday, Dec 22

Nancy’s week went fairly smoothly. Jim and Elizabeth spent most of their days in the garage and left her alone. Elizabeth was beaming at dinner time, and tried to tell Nancy how fun it was working with her father’s lathe, but all she heard was her baby playing with a dangerous machine, so she waited until bedtime to try to talk Jim out of letting her work with scary power tools. He reassured her and told her that she didn’t need to worry; he’d been making her recite the safety rules at the beginning of every session, and he was watching her closely with his hand close to the emergency shutdown switch. It was also important to have the right kind of protective gear, so after their first day together he went down to the hardware store and bought Elizabeth her own pair of goggles and work gloves. His makeshift solution had been for her to wear Nancy’s gardening gloves and him to wear his swimming goggles. As he told her about working with Elizabeth, he seemed almost as excited as she had at dinner. He expressed regret that he’d never really saw his child as anything but “a girl” before, and hadn’t even considered the possibility that she might enjoy some of his hobbies. Nancy was happy that they were finally bonding, but felt a little jealous when he told her that Elizabeth hadn’t been awkward or clumsy at all in the workshop, and even seemed to have a knack for it. Everything she’d tried to teach her daughter had never quite worked right, whether it was burnt cookies or a tangled mass of knotted yarn that was supposed to be a crocheted scarf. Nancy wanted to watch them to see how well they worked together, but Jim told her that the workshop was strictly off limits for her until after Christmas; Elizabeth was working on a present for her. At least Jim was spending his free time at home instead of hanging out at the bar. He hadn’t bothered her with any new rumors all week. And Elizabeth was doing the pageant with her, so it wasn’t like her daughter had abandoned her completely.

Thursday evening while Jim was out doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, Elizabeth was acting secretive. She went for a walk around the neighborhood then came back and asked for Bonnie’s phone number. Nancy eavesdropped and heard Elizabeth say, “Hello, Mr. Kendall. This is Elizabeth Patterson. I’m trying to surprise my dad for Christmas, and I thought you might be able to help.” Now that she knew what it was about, Nancy didn’t want to spoil anything, so she left the room and didn’t want any details. Pete showed up a few minutes later and Elizabeth asked if she could go with him to get something for her father, and Nancy didn’t have a good reason to turn her down. She noticed too late that Elizabeth had brought her work gloves and goggles with her. They weren’t gone very long, but when they came back Elizabeth had sawdust in her hair, and Pete carried something in a big black garbage bag up to her room. Nancy made sure to thank him for helping her daughter with whatever it was, and to wish him a Merry Christmas before he left.

Nancy hadn’t gotten a chance to read Denise’s costume notes until just before the dress rehearsal, and realized too late what a mess it was going to be. Her notes for Joseph and the shepherds were innocent enough, and simply said, “Costumes are hot and can be a little scratchy. Bring a pair of shorts and a plain white t-shirt that you can wear under your robe. If you have a pair of leather sandals (not flip-flops), bring them. If you don’t, leggings will be provided.” The one for the three kings wasn’t too bad; it said, “You’ll be dressing in front of other boys, so make sure you wear clean underwear like your mother always tells you to — an undershirt and ‘tighty whitey’ briefs, not boxers. (I know baggy boxers are cool and happening, but they ruin the line of the regal robes you’ll be wearing.) Wear black socks and good black dress shoes, like an oxford or a loafer, no sneakers even if they’re black leather.” The one for Mary was definitely going to be a problem. It was, “Your costume is a simple blue dress. It’s lined, but the fabric is still kind of rough so you’ll want to wear a camisole or a full slip under it. They shouldn’t show through, but just to be safe, make sure your panties are a light shade in a solid color not a pattern design. Wear leather sandals or other open-toed shoes. If your mom thinks that your feet will be too cold with bare legs and sandals, tell her to go to Madame Suzette’s Ballet Shoppe on Spring Street to get you a pair of tan tights - you can pretend you’re wearing pantyhose like a grownup lady. A little bit of a heel is ok, but not too dressy. Remember that even though you’re playing the mother of Our Lord, she was very poor. For the same reason, keep your jewelry simple. If there’s something you must wear (like a cross necklace or a birthstone ring or you just pierced your ears and can’t take out the studs) that’s ok, but don’t overdo it. A little lip gloss would probably be okay, but Mary really shouldn’t look like she’s wearing makeup.” The notes for the sheep turned those cute little boys practically into ballerinas: “Wear white panties with no patterns or colors so they don’t show through, plain white tights with no sheen or patterned stitching, and a white long-sleeved leotard. If you don’t have one, tell your mom to go to Madame Suzette’s Ballet Shoppe on Spring Street. The rest of your costume will be a fleece headpiece with your lamb ears, black mittens and booties to be your hooves, and a cute little tail stuck on your bottom.” And the angels had it even worse. Theirs said, “The dress you’ll be wearing is a little gauzy, so wear only white undergarments: plain white panties with no design, (No thongs — this is a church!) white bra or bralette if you wear one, and a white full slip or camisole and half-slip. Also wear plain white tights with no pattern or sheen. We want you all to look as uniform as possible, so it would be good if you could all wear a pair of white Mary Janes or ballet flats. If you don’t have any, go get a pair. Tell your mom it’s a great investment and perfect for you to wear with a nice pretty dress on Easter. Also so you’ll all match, and to represent the night sky, I’d like you to wear matching silver star-shaped earrings. If you haven’t got pierced ears, now’s the perfect time to convince your mom to let you - how can she say no when it’s for church? Go to Ears To You at the mall, and one of their sets of starter studs is silver stars. Tell them I sent you and get 10% off. I’m going to try to see if I can get matching silver wigs for you all, but just in case I can’t don’t put your hair in a style that uses ribbons or elastics or barrettes. You’ll be getting a headband that holds your halo up. Even if you wear makeup these days, bring a clean face. You’ll all be getting made up at the church with some pretty sparkly stuff. But do please paint your fingers with a pearly white nail polish ahead of time. If you don’t have the right shade we can do them for you, but we won’t have time for everyone.”

Denise told Nancy that some of the mothers had called her with questions, and she’d just told them that the notes were written before the parts were switched around, so she understood if they couldn’t get everything on the list, but that they should try to get as much as possible. Nancy was offended that Denise didn’t refer the mothers to her, since she was the one in charge, but she held her tongue.

It was a bit of a shock when three of the boys showed up to rehearsal in dresses. Justin was wearing a pretty green jersey dress with white lace trim. He was wearing cute little sandals on his feet, and Nancy could tell by the seams at his toes that he was wearing hose. His hair was parted in the middle and held back with white plastic barrettes. Kelly explained that he’d wanted to make sure he did a good job as Mary, so had been practicing all week in some clothes he’d borrowed from a cousin, and frankly she just couldn’t refuse to have a little helper even more interested in taking care of the baby. Kelly didn’t think she’d even touched a diaper all week; Justin had been so helpful. Eight-year-old Bobby Perrone, the youngest of the angels, was also dressed up. He wore a pretty pink dress tied with a bow in the back that was a little too fancy for the occasion, but he looked simply precious! There were new curls in his shiny black hair, which was held back with a pink headband. On his feet were the assigned white tights and Mary Janes with a slight heel, and his ears were pierced with silver stars like Denise had instructed, and he wore a cross necklace on a silver chain.

Bobby’s mother Kendra explained, “After Bobby told me that the boys and girls in the pageant had switched and he was going to be an angel, I read the costume instructions and realized that it was written expecting a little girl in the part. I imagined that if we did everything on the list, my son would look just like a little girl. It gave me some weird thoughts — what if we did make him look like a girl? I saw this as a perfect opportunity to learn if I’d missed out on anything by not having a daughter to do girl things with. I told Bobby I though it would be fun if we played dress-up for a week and pretended that he was a girl, but told him that any time he wanted to stop, we would and I wouldn’t be mad; if it wasn’t fun we could go back. I picked the right moment to get his father to go along with it, right after I gave him a certain Christmas bonus.” She gave the other moms a knowing wink. “And Bob agreed to let me play girl games with our child. He only had one condition: apparently his older sisters had teased him relentlessly when they were little, making him pretend to be a girl and calling him ‘Bobbi Jo,’ so his only restriction was that I had to call our child by something other than ‘Bobby’ when she’s dressed as a girl. So my little sweetheart and I looked at some Baby name websites and settled on ‘Robin,’ which can also be a diminutive for Robert, so it’s not a new name so much as a new nickname. Allow me now to introduce to you my daughter Robin.” She made a sweeping gesture and the child beside her gave a little curtsy. Judging by the way she was smiling broadly at her mother, clearly Bobby was enjoying being Robin for his Mommy. She did make a cute little girl, although not quite as pretty as Justin.

Kelly spoke up, “At this point I should probably tell you we’ve been calling Rachel’s big sister ‘Tina.’ It’s a joke Dave made, to change Justin’s name to ‘Justina,’ or ‘just Tina’ for short.” Tina set down her sister’s baby carrier, and went over to tell Robin how pretty her dress was.

Steven Brooks, who at nearly twelve was the oldest of the angels, was the last cast member to arrive. His mother Carol apologized that they were late, “We’d have been here on time, but Stephanie’s appointment at the beauty parlor ran late.” Her hesitant child followed her in on cue. Stephanie appeared to be a very lovely girl, just on the cusp of womanhood. She wore a red jersey dress under a white cardigan sweater, a more casual look than either of the younger “girls” that Nancy felt was more appropriate. Steven’s shaggy mousy mop had been colored, cut and styled into a honey-brown layered bob. The silver stars in her earlobes matched more dangling from a charm bracelet on her left wrist. Her cheeks were pink from embarrassment, but it looked like her lips might be wearing some gloss. Her legs were encased in the prescribed white tights, but her shoes were black patent leather. Nancy did notice that the required white shoes (unfashionable for wearing in public in the winter) were sticking out of a shiny black handbag that Stephanie carried. She moved delicately, but nervously looked around the room. Carol continued her explanation, “I brought her in to get her hair and nails done, but at the last minute decided to surprise her with her first leg waxing. I wanted to make sure she had an experience to remember.” Some of the other mothers giggled at this. Nancy looked and saw that Stephanie did have pretty new acrylic nails on her fingers; they looked probably a quarter inch long, in the pearly white color that Denise wanted. Stephanie looked uncomfortable at all the eyes in the room staring at her, and tried to give a little smile, but it just came across as fake like a beauty contestant. Her mother didn’t help the situation any. “I suppose you’re wondering why Stephanie went to such extremes to look pretty for this show. Well you see, last week when Steven brought home his pageant instructions, his sister started teasing him that he’d have to become a girl for Christmas, and kept calling him ‘Stephanie’ until I made her stop. As nice as it is to have Michelle home from college, she never did get along with her brother. I had been planning on only minimally making Steven into an angel for the play up until yesterday. He did something very wrong that broke a rule, violated my trust, and might even have ruined our Christmas. I came home early from shopping and caught him poking around in my closet, where he had no legitimate reason to be. He’d found where we’d hidden the presents and had started unwrapping the largest one to see what it was. It was just such an unappreciative, selfish thing to do. His father was livid when I told him about it. We have never struck our children and weren’t about to start, but at that moment the temptation was great. He needed an appropriate punishment. Michelle thought we should have to make him be Stephanie after all. His father wanted to just return his presents. We all sat own in the living room, and I showed him the package that he’d peeked at, completely unwrapped so he could tell it was that new Nintendo he’d been wanting for months, that his father had stood in line in the cold at midnight to buy for him, that would have made this his best Christmas ever, until he ruined it. I told him that even after all the effort it took to get, his father was ready to take it back to the store, so some child that knows how to be grateful could get it instead. I then explained his sister’s proposal to him, and gave him a choice: either the fancy videogame and all its accessories would go back to the store, or he’d agree to spend the rest of his vacation as Stephanie, dressing and acting as a proper young lady, cheerfully and without complaint, until he had to go back to school. You see before you the results of his decision.” The expression on Carol’s face seemed to show that she was still somewhat disgusted. Nancy thought Stephanie was struggling to keep from shedding tears, but it did make her eyes sparkle nicely.

With all those distractions out of the way, Nancy organized all the children, sorting them into the Sunday School rooms, which they would be using for changing costumes. A little sign she’d taped to each door indicated which actors were to use which room. Once all the kids and the mothers who’d come with them were in the right rooms, Denise then went around distributing the costumes to each. Nancy went into the room where Elizabeth and the shepherd girls were putting woven wool robes on over their shorts and t-shirts, and they only needed help figuring out how to put on their headdresses. There was this one part that draped over the head, and then a band went on top of it to hold everything on. She checked to see how things were going in the other rooms. She checked first on the three kings, and the three girls were getting dressed without difficulties, but they were all very giggly. It turned out that Kimberly had taken their costume instructions literally and worn a pair of boys’ underpants. (They originally would have been a Christmas present for her brother from their parents.) In light of Tina, Robin and Stephanie it wasn’t that extreme, but they all thought it was outrageously funny anyway. Nancy went on to check in on the angels, since they were the ones with the biggest issues. Oddly enough, it turned out that the boys who’d shown up in dresses had a less embarrassing time changing, since their slips kept them mostly covered even when they were standing in their underwear. Carol was passing around a roll of surgical tape, and telling the boys that it would really ruin the flow of their pretty angel gowns to have a little bump sticking out in the front. Pointing out how smooth Stephanie looked, she described how she’d read up on professional female impersonators, and learned that they used tape to tuck away unwanted bulges. She tried to explain what to do, and ended up gesturing with her hands on herself, that they needed to pull “it” down and back between their legs, and then run a strip or two of tape across to hold it in place, making sure not to cover the hole on the end so they could still use the bathroom if they had to, and when they did to make sure they wipe. The men who do it also have to do some complicated thing with their testicles, but these boys were probably too young to need anything like that. In next to no time, all six angels were taped down inside their panties, and had their tights pulled back up. Tina and Robin even wanted to try taping, although they’d already been tucked back without it. It was coming along nicely until one of the other angels, ten-year-old Connor Bartlett, noticed an extra pair of straps under Stephanie’s straps and realized she was wearing a bra and pointed it out to the others, who started laughing. Stephanie’s lower lip was trembling, and it seemed that she was ready to start crying. Nancy had to do something. The slightly padded bra really did help her figure, though.

“All right, stop that right now. First of all, this is still a church. Can you really say that you were doing unto Stephanie as you would have her do unto you? Secondly, I think she looks very nice with the proper foundation undergarments, and some of you can only wish you could look as good, but there are two or three of you, I won’t be rude and name names, would definitely be improved by a little more definition and contour up there. Your angelic gowns are hanging a little too shapelessly. Since it’s only the rehearsal, we won’t put you all in makeup, but we wanted to do one today to make sure the look will work. Stephanie, please go to the Ladies’ room and wash your face so Mrs. Cooper can practice with you.” Stephanie scurried out and was in the Ladies’ room before she had the chance to think about whether it was the right restroom. Nancy hoped it would give her the chance to pull herself back together. A weeping angel wouldn’t be good for the show. Nancy took another look at the rest of the angels. Patrick Thatcher, a heavy boy the most in need of a bra, was the only other one with silver stars in his earlobes. “I’m really surprised that so few of you had the guts to get your ears pierced. I mean, even the youngest one of you could do it.” She patted Robin on the head. “But the rest of you were just big sissies and couldn’t do it.” That was a very strange thing to say to a bunch of boys in pretty dresses, but Nancy ran with it. “I’ve seen plenty of handsome guys on Hollywood magazines with earrings, so it can’t be you skipped because it wouldn’t look good. It’s not even permanent; if you decided down the road that you didn’t want to look cool anymore, you’d just have to take them out and let the holes heal.” The angels seemed adequately subdued, so Nancy went along to the next room while they were fitted for their wings and Denise came to pass out their wigs and then do Stephanie’s makeup. As if enough things hadn’t gone wrong, the next room showed another problem. The costumes for the four little boys playing sheep were nothing but leotards and tights, and their little lumpy bits were practically obscene. Clearly they needed Carol’s tape, so Nancy ran back to get her.

Once everyone was in costume, they all gathered in the sanctuary. Denise brought Stephanie in, and they saw what she’d done to her face. Her eyes looked very pretty, highlighted with dark eyeliner and mascara, and with glittery silver eye shadow contributing to the twinkling angel effect, echoed in her sparkly lip gloss and general dusting of glitter powder. When combined with her platinum wig, it all produced an appropriate halo effect that went beyond the simple tiara-like headband the angels wore. In her white feathered wings and silver gauzy gown, she almost looked like something out of a lingerie catalog. Nancy imagined that when all the angels were done up like that it would make quite a visual.

They were joined by Kate Vincent the choir director and Pastor Moore and they worked their way through the program, showing how it all came together. The minister pulled Nancy aside for a few questions about the “unusual casting.” He asked if the pageant had been hijacked as part of some gay agenda, and she tried to explain how it started with the only child who the girl Jesus would sit still for was a boy Mary, and it all sort of snowballed from there. The kids were just acting; no one as far as Nancy knew was any kind of homosexual, and it might end up promoting some understanding between the boys and the girls after walking a mile in each other’s clothes, as it were. He accepted her explanation and she didn’t have to scrap it and go back to Square One, but he did plan on working some words indirectly about homosexuality into his brief sermon during the show.

The rehearsal went well. The children for the most part remembered their cues, and really shone when they had to break into song. In particular, Tina completely floored everyone with her solo on the Coventry Carol, looking down at her sister as though Mary was singing a lullaby to the baby. Elizabeth was even so moved that she reached out and put her arm around her and also smiled at the baby. It seemed perfectly spontaneous and in character for Joseph to do, so Nancy told her she could do it again in the real performance if it felt right. The song the kids had the most fun with was “Do You Hear What I Hear,” which was staged as a sort of “Farmer in the Dell.” It started with Jeffrey coming down from the assembled choir of angels at the altar to stand in front.of the tableau in the middle of the stage area. The angels sang the first verse of the song, with Jeffrey alone singing the “Do You Hear What I Hear” part solo, as he beckoned to where the shepherds were arranged to the right of the scene. And then little five-year-old Evan Miller ran up to stand next to Jeffrey and took the solo on the second verse, which was sung by the cute little sheep boys. Evan signaled Kayla Wright to join them, and she took the solo for the third verse, which was sung by the shepherds, and she signaled to Debbie, who came over from where the kings were arranged on the left side to take the solo on the last verse, and she belted it out in a full gospel style that worked brilliantly as everyone joined in on the last line.

Nancy was certain the show would go well, and tried to tell Jim how incredible the rehearsal went when they got home, but something in his eye told her that he had more news about the stupid Methodists and their stupid sheep, so she let Elizabeth tell her dad how cool it was instead, and then the two of them disappeared to go play in the workshop.

Sunday, Dec 23

They had another run through of everyone’s lines during the Sunday School session, and everyone seemed to do well. Tina was back to being Justin for church, but Robin wore a pretty red dress with white snowflakes embroidered on it, and Stephanie wore a crisp white blouse and a gray woolen skirt over nicely ribbed gray tights and the same patent leather shoes. After the service, when Carol was enjoying the coffee hour and chatting with friends, Nancy could tell that Stephanie was trying not too look impatient while waiting. Nancy was about to go up and talk to her but then she saw that Brian Somers, the youngest member of the junior high group was approaching her with two cups of punch. Nancy held back but stayed within eavesdropping range.

Brian offered Stephanie some punch and she thanked him like a proper young lady is expected to. He said, “You look really pretty. It’s hard to believe you’re really a boy. Is it true what they’re saying?”

Stephanie had a brief smile when he told her she was pretty, but it soon became a look of worry. “Um, what are they saying?”

“You got in trouble and have to be a girl until Christmas.”

“Well, actually it’s through Christmas. Steven doesn’t get to come back until school starts up again.”

“That’s rough, man… or girl, or whatever. What did you do to deserve something so harsh?”

“I snuck a peek at my presents. I wanted to know if I was getting the Nintendo Wii I asked for. And they said they’d take it back if I didn’t agree to do this,” and she gestured over her outfit, “So it really wasn’t much of a choice, even though I don’t get to play with it while I’m being a girl.”

“I guess you could say you traded your wee-wee for a Wii.” Stephanie laughed at that stupid crude joke more than it deserved. “Wow. I thought you were pretty before, but you look even more beautiful when you laugh and make a real smile. I think you’re probably the prettiest girl here.”

Stephanie blushed. “Thanks, but I know you’re just being nice. The real girls here are much better looking.”

Brian shook his finger at her. “I never say something I don’t mean. I wouldn’t want to be talking to any of those other girls.” Even at thirteen he was quite the charmer. “What would you say if I told you I knew a way you could play with a Wii sooner? We’ve got one at home, and we’re probably getting new games and stuff for it for Christmas. Anyway, my folks are throwing a big party on New Year’s Eve and said that I could invite a friend over to keep me company down in our basement. We could play games, watch a video, eat some party food. What do you say?”

“Why not ask someone else from the junior high group?”

“They’re all older than me, so they always pick on me. You’re actually closer to my age than any of them.”

“You know it would have to be me like this, not as a guy, right?”

“That’s sort of the best part. It’s like I’d be having a pretty girl over for like a date, but it would be more like practice for a date, because I wouldn’t have to be all nervous about how to act around a real girl, and I wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to talk to you or anything. So, you interested?”

Stephanie took a moment to think, and Nancy wondered if she knew she was sending Brian all kinds of flirtatious signals with the way she touched his arm when she talked to him, and the way she brushed back her hair, or the way she made only fleeting eye contact. “Ok. I think that’s probably the best offer I’m going to get for New Year’s but I’ll have to see if it’s okay with my mom.”

“Let’s go ask her, then.” Brian held Stephanie’s hand and led her across the room and out of Nancy’s earshot. If Brian and Stephanie were making a date, did that make them gay? It was very confusing, so she tried not to think about it.

Monday, Dec 24

The night of the actual pageant, Nancy was very nervous. Jim had been very sweet and had gotten Elizabeth to help him make dinner while she took a nice, relaxing bath. It was nice to see the two of them working so well together. Jim dropped her and Elizabeth off at the church early, and would join her in the congregation later. As the kids were checking in to get their costumes, she saw that this time around, all the angels showed up with dresses on over their slips; they all had stars in their earlobes; by all appearances they had all taped themselves down before coming in; they all had painted their fingernails before getting to the church; and Jeffrey, Patrick and a third boy, Scott Phillips, were all wearing bras. Nancy would also learn that the three giggly kings were all wearing y-fronts under their regal robes. The sheep had to be taped down again, but that wasn’t a big deal. Denise started with Stephanie’s makeup again, and then had Bonnie, Kendra, and Carol help her as a sort of assembly line to duplicate that look on the other angels. Everyone was ready and in their places right on schedule. After the last set of players, the three kings, made their entrance correctly, Nancy slipped into the front row pew and took her spot between Jim and Kelly. The audience loved the show, and applauded both Tina’s and Debbie’s solos, even though you’re not supposed to do that in a church.

When it came time for Pastor Moore’s words, he thanked all the “brave girls and beautiful boys” for putting on a good performance, and then had Nancy stand up to thank her for her direction, and she had the other helpful workers on her crew stand up with her, so it would look like she didn’t want all the credit, and thanked the junior high youth group for the wonderful set. The pastor then went into his sermon about the True Meaning of Christmas, and Nancy had to pay close attention to notice that when he said, “even though we live in a permissive society, we are still called upon as Christians to live by a stricter set of rules,” he was speaking out against homosexuality. She only caught it because she was looking for it. She wondered if Brian and Stephanie were still planning a date, and whether they’d be breaking any of his rules if they were. What do twelve-year-olds do on a date these days? She’d better find out before Elizabeth starts dating. Oh, that’s a whole other can of worms best left unopened, to worry about some other day. And then the pastor was wrapping up and everyone stood for the offertory. Another bible passage and then they handed out the little candles for everyone and passed the flame. The kids got in formation perfectly and as the lights went out the congregation sang “Silent Night” while the children slowly walked down the aisle and back out to the Sunday School rooms. Nancy and her team snuck out and met them there.

It was a scene of organized chaos as the costumes came off and the children put their regular clothes back on, but most of them weren’t changing into what they’d arrived in.
Nancy thanked everyone for participating and wished them all a Merry Christmas. After the angels washed their faces with cold cream wipes, except for Robin who wanted to stay pretty a little longer, most of them took off their slips, and a couple even changed out of their panties and into boys’ underpants. Robin had on yet another party dress, Tina wore the dress she came in, and Stephanie changed into a pretty long sleeved velvet dress that was black on the top and red on the bottom. Nancy told her she looked nice and she said her family would be going to a late supper at her grandmother’s so she wanted to dress up. She even wore a little bit of pink lip gloss. Nancy caught Robin asking her mother if they could invite Tina to the “pretty dress tea party” they were going to have on Wednesday. She wasn’t sure if she should feel guilty about starting these boys on their girlish paths, but she didn’t think it was hurting any of them. She got Elizabeth and found Jim and they drove home. Their family tradition was to each open one gift on Christmas Eve and save the rest for morning. Elizabeth really wanted her parents to open the gifts from her as their one gifts. She was very excited, so Nancy didn’t want to let her down. She opened her package and it contained three beautiful wooden candlestick holders of differing heights but similar contoured shapes. They were stained a rich color that really brought out the grain. Elizabeth was smiling broadly.

“Thank you very much, Sweetie. They’re beautiful. Are these what you were helping Daddy make down in the workshop?”

Jim corrected her. “Actually, Honey, she made them pretty much by herself. I showed her what to do and she practiced each of those curves several times on some junk wood before we committed to the good stuff. All I did was load the wood in the lathe and help align it in the drill press for the candle hole. The rest is all Elizabeth.” He looked so proud of his daughter. Her present for him was three oddly shaped objects wrapped in newspaper that she had covered in Christmas stickers. She said they all went together so it should count as one present. He tore off the newspaper and there was a rotten-looking old log — did Elizabeth get her father firewood for the stove in his workshop? But Jim looked far too happy to be receiving firewood, and quickly ripped open the other two, to see more logs. He was almost giddy and asked Elizabeth, “Where did you get this?”

“It’s that old dead apple tree from Mr. Edwards’ backyard. You said you’d been wanting it for some time.”

“How did you get it?”

“I went over to Mr. Edwards and asked if he’d ever wanted to get rid of that old tree before the next storm, and told him I could get it done for free. It’s hard for an old guy like that to say no to a cute kid, so I used my best puppy eyes, and he said yes. Then I called Mr. Kendall, and told him I knew where he could get some apple wood for his meat smoker, and all he’d have to do is cut it up with his chainsaw and haul most of it away. I only wanted three pieces from the root, the trunk where the twisted branch came out, and the part where the lightning had hit it, and Mr. Kendall got to keep the rest. Did I do good?”

“You did incredible, Kiddo. These will make excellent bowls, and you’re going to one of them yourself.” He gave her a hug, and that was the closest Nancy had ever seen them. “To stay on the same theme, I think I know which present you should open now.” He pulled out a big box that Nancy didn’t recognize and gave it to Elizabeth. She opened it and pulled out a pair of brown canvas carpenter pants just like the ones Jim likes to wear in the workshop, and a red thermal shirt like his, and a pair of work boots. The last thing in the box was a small red and black plastic toolbox. “I thought if you were going to keep working down there with me, we ought to get you the right stuff to wear, and the box at first can be a place to keep your gloves and goggles, but eventually we’ll get you your own set of tools every time you learn how to use a new one.” Elizabeth gave him a big hug, and Nancy could see that she was almost crying in joy.

It took them forever to get her into bed, but eventually she settled down and they could enjoy a glass of wine. He toasted her job well done, and said he hoped her pageant was everything she wanted it to be. She asked him if he was really that excited about some old pieces of wood, and he actually said it was the best present he’d ever gotten, since it showed that his daughter actually understood him. Nancy sighed and realized that if crossing gender lines could bring the two people she most cared about together, maybe her crisscrossed pageant wasn’t such a crazy thing after all.