Well, my daughter has her graduation ceremony for grade 6 on Thursday, and I'll be in drag for the day - wearing boy clothes, at the insistence of her mother. I had already promised to wear clothes that were gender-neutral, but that wasnt good enough for her. The other night while I helped her do her 2nd job she demanded I not be so selfish and put on male clothes so as to cause no disruption in either the ceremony itself or the small party that will be afterward for my daughter and my family.
I had no intention of being a disruption, which is why I had already agreed to dress down for the event, but she insisted on male clothes, even making the offer to buy some, before having to retract that offer due to her finances.
I just wish I knew how to deal with her better. She's like a tornado, and when she's pointed at me all I want to do is cringe and hide until the storm passes.
Ah, well.
Comments
You're not the selfish one
In this situation, wouldn't it be you daughter who should have say? NOT your ex-wife. After all, it isn't her graduation, nor is it a day that is intended to be celebrating her. It's supposed to be about the little girl the two of you raised.
Melanie E.
I do understand .. but I don't
Dorothy,
You cannot please everyone ... in fact ... the only person you must please is yourself, and in the process you will likely bring a beautiful gift to your child. Your EX is only thinking of herself, no one else, and she is manipulating you.
In many ways, from the comments you have posted previously, we are much alike .... Co-dependency, lack of self respect, poor self esteem and the list likely goes on for you ... for myself the list is miles and miles long. The beauty of it is much of who you are, and how people treat you is dependent upon how you present yourself to the public, and you get to decide that.
So, please stop putting your ex before yourself. You have self worth. Believe in yourself. I know they are only words ... you have to put them into action ... so please try girl ... for yourself ... otherwise your ex will always hinder your becoming your true self.
Head high ... we all love you!
Kendra Manderscheid
(One step at a time is working)
Transition...
...the day is a big day for your daughter, and it should be all about her accomplishment. Having said that, it would seem to me that what's called for here more than anything is that you are able to establish some dialog concerning your misgivings, no matter what your ultimate decision might be. You already know this - it's perfectly alright to object in a reasonable fashion to what she's asking.
Sooner or later your ex has to come to grips that your decision to move forward with your transition is inevitable. What will she be faced with when you are post-op? Let's pretend you're a man? And really, your daughter has already indicated to you on several occasions in no uncertain terms that she knows you're changing and moving away from the persona you have been compelled to live in up to this point. And really, in order for you to qualify for any eventual surgery, you have to be permitted to live entirely as a woman... there can be no half measures, as far as I understand it.
The thing I hear almost always in your notes about your relationship with your family is that in winning or losing a single battle over a moment in time or an expectation that you might lose the war to retain your own sense of self and dignity. No matter how your ex feels, it's up to you to decide what you're going to do. If you still fear for your ability to interact with your daughter, then perhaps seeking some legal advice might be prudent at this time.
The other thing I'm not aware of, and forgive me if I'm wrong, is that you're not able to find any group support in your area. Often, in any of our struggles, we find the best help is from those who've gone before us. I know you already know that. I hope you can find others to use as sounding boards, because it's highly likely what you're going through is something similar if not identical to something someone else has experienced. You're in my prayers.
Love, Andrea Lena
ex wives
All I can say here is that she is the one being selfish here... granted you WERE married but Dammit that was then ,this is now... wear what you want & just ignore the bitch.. You dont answer to her or her opinions any longer.. its time to make her aware of this do it kiddo we got your back on this
ex wives
All I can say here is that she is the one being selfish here... granted you WERE married but Dammit that was then ,this is now... wear what you want & just ignore the bitch.. You dont answer to her or her opinions any longer.. its time to make her aware of this do it kiddo we got your back on this
ex wives
All I can say here is that she is the one being selfish here... granted you WERE married but Dammit that was then ,this is now... wear what you want & just ignore the bitch.. You dont answer to her or her opinions any longer.. its time to make her aware of this do it kiddo we got your back on this
Dear Dottie,
One time, near the beginning of my RLT, my (wife at the time) ex persuaded me to go to a wedding of our friends daughter In drab. That's the term; DRessed As a Boy. Drag is DRessed As a Girl. I saw one guy from my work site and begged him not to tell anyone there that I was in drab. He was always decent to me; he told me not to worry. I was still living at home with ex and two young daughters. I had begged Abbie (the ex) to stay with me and love me, but she kept refusing. Once I told her I was transitioning whether she liked it or not, she just started radiating hate toward me. We talked about routine stuff and didn't fight, but her attitude was hard to stomach.
When another Tgal from our support group hit on me, I quickly took her to bed at another Tgal's house and she gave me my first womyn's orgasms. I was immediately in lust with her and soon moved out of Abbie's house. Ab no longer had much control over me. I always saw my girls dressed properly. They were used to my appearance; I started showing them when they were very young.
I think you should tell your ex about the rules of RLT. You or your mom, maybe, should try to tell her tactfully that she is the one being selfish. Soon after our marriage, when she started getting fast promotions at her work, and I didn't get any, Abbie grew more and more bossy. I was depressed a lot of the time; gender dysphoria was bad for me at work, usually working in an all (others) male group with male bosses over me. I really didn't care strongly about anything and just went along with Ab to keep the peace. She was aggressive/assertive and as time went on grew more narcissistic. I was passive, but disliked being ordered around; my main strategy was avoidance.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
There is no "right" way to deal with the ex.
There is one way that works - stop any interactions with.You have visitation rights to see your child? Just ring the door bell, wait for child, go somewhere. All of the interactions with ex only through lawyers or court orders.
But... it happens only in not quite but ideal world.
Actually there is no way to avoid pain in interactions with ex. No Way. I'm speaking from experience (but I have it easy, we have no children, but I'm still used as technical support for any computer or technical trouble).
So, whatever you do, it WILL be painfull for everybody. So you first concern should be what will be more pain full for your child. Do you remember post about "monster"? Were you presenting as male or not at the time? Whatever it was, you have to be consistent, because if you are the same kind of monster - it will be OK with other children. If not, it will bring nasty comments independent of how you present.
PS. And it's "drab" - acronym for "dressed as boy". :-)
PPS. Don't forget, whatever you do, it will be painfull for someone. You have to think about child first, yourself second. And everybody else should not be considered as long as you are not breaking any laws in front of vitnesses.