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First -- the diary is very autobiographical. My mother ruled the roost with an iron hand and used terror to control me. I was subject to bullying not only at home but from her. She also bullied my father. He was largely absent from my day to day life because he was working as well as attending night school 3 nights a week to get his MBA. He never knew what went on until I was 25 years old, some 12 years later, and by that time I was so deep in my substance abuse that it didn't matter. As it happens in so many cases of abuse, it was a secret, held by the thought placed in my head that punishments from my father would be even worse if he found out his son was a fairy.
It has taken much intestinal fortitude and soul searching for me to be able to forgive. I now feel sorry for both of them.
As I stated in my overview, everything in the two parts really did happen. The events took place between age 13 and age 16 for me. They took place in the early 1970s. I did keep a diary of them. The diary was illustrated with pictures cut from the various catalogs, with a photocopied cut out of my head from my school picture pasted over the girls heads. I had days of intense terror, but moments of extreme bliss.
I have to ask, how would I expect a parent of the 1970s to react to son who wants to crossdress. It was surely a shock to her in that somewhat unenlightened time. That said, though, her reactions and the abuse was wrong.
One though that I have is to write a part 3 which is the diary on an alternate plane of existence, where there is full acceptance. I don't know if my heart could stand it though.
Huggs
Amy-Lynn
Comments
well
If it is set in the 1970s same as you did the diary it would be interesting and I think it would help bring you a peace of some sort. But that's up to you.
Andy's Diary Background
Amy Lynn, My main concern is that you are at peace in your heart.
May Your Light Forever Shine
Peace
Peace, in my case, is evolutionary in nature. As the old saying goes, every day in every way its getting better and better
Huggs
Amy-Lynn
Like you said? Evolutionary!
Your peace comes slowly even though you've forgiven because the effects of the abuse don't just disappear. I know that feeling of getting better, though. Thanks for writing your story, by the way! Belle
People are People
There has been acceptance and denial in almost every age of the world. And the reasons for denial are not always the obvious ones. Sometimes they are because of a preceived reaction by those around you.
Which is to say it is possible for people to accept something like this, especially in the 1970s. Sure, most of americal was stuck in an ultra conservative mindset, but that doesn't mean that they all were. And not all of the conservatives of the time could be said to no have an iota of openmindedness.
I've read enough literature of the day to know that at least certain parties felt differently than the main-stream. They were even published. Which means people read their books. There was closet acceptance, if you will.
That being said, beware the Mary-sue.
That is sort of the writing equivalent of be cautious of what you wish for. Getting a wish can be pyrhic for a number of reasons. These have been explored in numerous stories.
Writing a wish is much worse.
You see, you often ignore all of the downsides when you write a wish, which makes the not having of it even worse that it was before the writing. It starts you into a death-spiral of emotional proportions. You write to feel better, which makes you feel worse, so you write to feel better...
Realize that it is your pain that will keep you writing, and pour it into the page. Realize that each of your characters, especially when it is autobiographical, are all parts of you. Every one of them.
Some people can write about sunshine and a field of flowers. If you've never experienced sunshine and a field of flowers, though, you shouldn't write about that.
Last of all, I have to say, that you have to forgive yourself before you can move on. Every one of us out there who has been abused carries guilt over the abuse. We blame ourselves for it happening, even if we don't admit it.
Move on from this. There are other stories for you to tell. If you need to tell a story set in the 1970s about acceptance, then tell that story, but don't let it be you. Realize only that it was possible, and use it to forgive, as contradictory as that seems.
He entered the hall to get warm. She left it two hundred years later.
Faeriemage
We shall overcome
Faeriemage
What you have written is exactly why I have struggled with trying to write prat 3 of Andy's Diary -- the perfect world, mum and everyone totally accepted and all version. It would only further depress me because it didn't really happen and it would be so very fake. I actually started a part3, and got totally bored of it.
I could, of course, write a similar tale about one similar to myself who did find acceptance, and may just do that. In fact I did. Its called Patrick's First Training bra. I may post it. It is not that good and isn't illustrated -- but why not post it!
The way I look at it in my grand old age is that had I not gone through everything I went through, I wouldn't have ended up the all the good things in my life either.
My writing the diary allowed me to bring forth suppressed feelings that are quite good -- how pretty and good I felt when I tried in my first dress, the excitement I felt when I tried on my first training bra and panties and met the girl that I am for the very first time, the warm on my face in summer as I sat under a tree at a local lake with my new purchases in front of me, the friendship of my friends Renee and Rachelle (one of whom died in a tragic traffic accident, the other moving from abusive marriage to abusive marriage and never finding true love), some great music, and traveling the world with my radio.
It is those things that give me strength to forgive
Huggs
Amy-Lynn
I ached for your childhood self
no child, trans or not deserves to be treated like that, and its a testament to the strength of your character that you've forgiven your parents. As for a story, you certainly could write a version where you were accepted, or you could write about someone who overcame such a background to find happiness, either story would be wonderful.
Super hugs.
Got the T shirts.
Wow we are contemplates and went through much of the same type of upbringing, I was blessed with a wonderful mother and a bully for a step father. I do understand your emotions and just how much it hurts just being your self. But I have found the approach you are using is the path of strength and redemption. Erhart Tolli in his first book opened with "I don't have much use of the past." I embrace it so I do not repeat it but I will not allow it to rule my life or decisions. Our strength comes from being one with our selves, and that is our feminine selves.
Very good story looking forward to more.
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book