Lead Shoes-3

Chapter 3

It was actually pretty cool even going through all the same old stuff in physiotherapy and getting my baselines of what I can do and what I can’t and what my good days are like and what my bad days are like. But it’s nothing like with Nan or my Dad.

Aunt Holly actually asks why something is the way that it is, she asks if she can be shown if any of the exercises she can do with me at home are and she is right there helping me and learning and giving a shit.

I have felt like such a drain on what I had for a family that it was a depressive physical hurt. And it cycles on you…the more you hurt the more it sucks and you get even more depressed, then it hurts even more.

If Nan hadn’t watched me like a hawk with paranoid schizophrenia then I’d have likely have found a way to kill myself.

I never, ever wanted to be a bother to people.

I didn’t want to lose my independence, to be some kind of burden that they had to take care of. God honestly there hurting inside for a lot of reasons but being like this and stuck in a chair for so damned long…not counting being TG to go along with it… If you looked up Depression in the dictionary a little while ago then you’d have gotten to see a picture of me.

But with Aunt Holly it’s like I past into a different world. The nurses and therapists look at my chart and smile at me and call me Mikayla. I mean I know they’re all in the medical profession and see all kinds of things but they legally don’t have to be nice to me. I mean they could’ve been really mean when they saw the note on they’re chart and the only off thing that way was just a few slipped pronouns.

I actually got complimented a few times on my make up and once on my outfit and I got called young lady a few times.

We’re leaving the hospital and I’m wheeling my way to the van and I turn it around fast and lean forward and hug her around the waist and bury my face into her belly.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you….” I say into her stomach. She runs her fingers through my hair and rubs my back and I let out a good little sob as I feel her fingers go over my bra.

Mine, my bra and there was no drama and screaming and stuff about it.

“It’s okay…it’s okay Kayla you let it out alright, you let it out and make room in there for the good stuff.”

(Sniffle?)

“Good stuff?”

“Yup, how’d you like to go shopping with me?”

“For?”

“Oh, stuff to fix up the house and your room and get you some real clothes and make-up and all the stuff you need as a girl y’know.”

“No…no I don’t know, I never got to know…”

“Well now you will. It’s about high time you learned the ins and outs of shopping and of being who you really are.”

***

!
!!
!!!
She Let Me DRIVE!!!

Okay, I’m not aloud to drive, if something happened and stuff then I’d be kinda likely to hurt someone. I get that but I’m having a good day and we got there to the mall and we were way back in the part of the parking lot that no one ever goes to and she let me drive. It took some doing to get moved over and I can’t use the pedals well but I can use them and it was just great, she even ran me through all the stuff that regular teens get to do when they’re driving and learning to drive.

We park and she lets me park and I look over at her and I hug her again.

“Omigoshthatwassocool!”

“Good, I’m glad we’ll keep at it until you’re ready for your drivers test to get you beginners.”

Excuse me? What’d she say?

“But I can’t I’m not allowed to drive. Is it different up here?”

“Mikayla you can drive anywhere here back home and all it takes is the right instruction and to get the drivers stuff modified.”

“But Dad…and Nan…they said.”

“Kayla…it’s not nice to talk ill of the dead but your Nan and your Dad lied for whatever messed up reasons or were just not interested in finding out if you could.”

“Aaagh! Goddammit fucking! Hell!...Aaaagh!!!” I scream, I screamed and cussed and punched the seats because this…this was just another great big lead blanket of their lies and bullshit they’d been trying to smother me under.

I’d have gotten in so much shit for a fit like this before.

Aunt Holly just sits through it. Actually she rolls down the window and lit a smoke. I calmed down a bit to the mad and heavy breathing stage and she’s looking at me and I’m looking at her a little sheepishly and I see this glint in her eyes.

“Aaaagh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” We both scream at the roof.

Then. “Aaaagh!!!!” at each other.

Then we break into giggles and laughter. I hug her again. “My God they really sucked huh.” She says.

“Fuckers.” I sniffle.

“Better?”

“No…I messed up my make-up.”

“Geez Mikayla you’re such a girl.”

We giggle together again and it just goes to show that a tough chick with all the tattoos and stuff and having been in prison can just be as much as a girl as any of us. Aunt Holly ditches the smoke and we have another go at getting me made up with me doing almost everything. I do need all the practice that I can get.

***

The Oshawa Center Mall is actually pretty cool, I’ve never been to the malls a lot, just never really had the chance to and then of course was the stares and stuff I’d get and everything.

Well I’m still getting looks and stares and yet there’s some friendly sort of smiles in there. They see the make-up and the clothes and the hair and my chair and I’m a girl. Which is really, really cool because the last thing I really need is to get clocked and stuff.

We hit a lot of places mostly just looking but also trying things on. We get some stuff that’s kind of cool and stuff at American Eagle, I got two denim skirts there… (Yay! I own skirts!) We sort of figured on a few things for easy use while I need my chair and skirts are right up there with stuff. But I do get a nice pair of jeans too because I…I wanted them…I wanted a pair of girls jeans and not just any pair but something actually in style. In the end we get two pair one called Total Girl and another pair of Arizona jeans.

My big thing is really turns out to be tops, the biggest part of what everyone’s going to see about me most of the time I guess in my torso so we really get a whole bunch of tops and blouses and sweaters and camisoles and I really love this store called Garage and I get a lot of these girls long sleeved tee’s. And I mean I really love these shirts, the cut, the neck the shelf in some of them just can’t be taken for a guy’s style ever and I’m in heaven.

I’m getting tired because I’ve done more today that I’ve done in a long time but I’m trying on clothes. I’m buying clothes out of the money she gave me for Dad’s stuff but she’s buying out of the money she gets for me living with her and we have a great time.

Oh I am so a hipster styled panty girl just like my Aunt and she didn’t show me until after I had tried some different types on. I think that’s really cool that we have some stuff in common.

I get three dresses mid length sleeves and something called a bow-back dress but it doesn’t have a bow on it like a present. I’m not sure why it’s called what it’s called but they all have this scooped neckline. I have two different floral prints on black and a black plain one. All three are… “They’re kind of short.”

“That’s true but it’s the style that the girls at school and you age will be wearing when the do wear a dress.”

“Okay, but It’s kind of a waste right? I mean it’s not like I’m going to be walking around in them. I’ll be in my chair most of the time.”

“Kayla if it makes you feel good and feel pretty and even a bit sexy than their worth having. Besides you can really show off your legs in the chair if you want to.”

“Really?”

“Yes we’ll figure all this stuff out kiddo.”

We actually hit a lot of places and I even get some stuff for my feet, I end up getting a bunch of these wedge solid soled shoes and boots that can be buckled and strapped to my ankles and stuff and I’m tottery and shaky but taking a few steps while I’m holding onto Aunt Holly.

“How do they feel?”

“Weird, not as bad as some things.”

“Well you need to find one’s that are comfortable.”

“There’s not a lot of those not the way that my leg muscles have gotten.”

“Okay, but we’ll keep looking I want a few pairs of something you’ll be able to use the arm braces in.”

In the end and through eleven shoe departments and stores before finding three cute ankle boots that are comfortable and work sort of. Well they work but I’ll need my crutches or my arm braces and still it depends on the day and I’ll still not be able to go really long or far with them.

But… (Big smiles.)

They made a lot of difference in the changing rooms and trying things on. I had to repair my make-up again while standing if a little wobbly in a changing room at Macy’s looking at myself in a full length mirror in a pretty dress.

I was okay; well I was in shock until my Aunt Holly came inside the changing room and side by side hugged me and said to me and my reflection. “Hi Mikayla.”

Oh yeah, waterworks.

***

I’m in the van and I’m hugging myself because we had just got ready to leave and into the van and had been driving for a few minute when she passes me a bag. “I missed a lot of birthdays and Christmases Kayla I hope you like these. They are going to give you any support and stuff but I thought you’d like them.”

I looked inside and there were two pairs of the prettiest ballet flats you could have ever seen.

I’m still hugging them super tight to my chest.