“Mama?” Tracy's voice cut through her solitude and Maggie fought from giving a shriek of fright, as she jumped in her seat. When she looked up she noticed Tracy had managed to make it all the way to her chair without being heard.

“What's wrong, Tracy?”

“I had a bad dream and couldn't go back to sleep.” Tracy stated. “Not after today. Not after those ladies came here, or that call.”

“I'm sorry. You want to try some warm tea or milk?”

“No...I....” Tracy swallowed as she looked down at her feet. “Mama? Am I an abomination?”

Edited by Djkauf with some input and advice from Rev. Anam Chara

It's time for a bit of character building. A glimpse into how the Patterson's see religion and One of Maggie's darkest secrets. I have the rating up a bit due to subject matter.

William had gone to bed, as had her children, or so she thought. That left Maggie some time to sit and read from her bible again. She kept replaying the days events over in her mind, mostly her encounter with Molly Hallmark. She knew she had crossed the lines by getting mad at Molly. She feared how it would come back to bite them in the backside.

Instead of looking for scripture that concerned her daughter, this time she focused on forgiveness. She wasn't aware that she was reading aloud, even if it was softly. “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may for one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

“Mama?” Tracy's voice cut through her solitude and Maggie fought from giving a shriek of fright, as she jumped in her seat. When she looked up she noticed Tracy had managed to make it all the way to her chair without being heard.

“What's wrong, Tracy?”

“I had a bad dream and couldn't go back to sleep.” Tracy stated. “Not after today. Not after those ladies came here, or that call.”

“I'm sorry. You want to try some warm tea or milk?”

“No...I....” Tracy swallowed as she looked down at her feet. “Mama? Am I an abomination?”

“What?” Maggie asked. “Why would you ask that?”

“That bible verse that Mrs. Hallmark quoted. About men in woman’s clothes being an abomination.”

“Baby, it also said that women who wear men’s clothes are just as bad. Do you think I'm an abomination, too?”

“Why would you be?” Tracy asked as she looked up.

“I wear pants at times. I've had short hair once that looked almost masculine before.” Maggie stated as she reached out and pulled her daughter towards her, letting Tracy sit on one knee. “Tracy, the bible says a lot of things. But like your Grandmother said, we're all sinners. I feel that in the end, it's how you've acted all your life that counts. The most important one to me is this, Judging lest ye be judged? I don't recall where it is in the bible, but basically it says that before you judge someone, take the time to look at yourself.” She flipped though different bookmarks she had in place and began reading. “Ah here it is. Matthew Seven.” She adjusted her daughter and began reading.

“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: And with what measure ye mete, it shall be measure to ye again.” Maggie held her place with a finger, but she looked to her daughter. “There's more, but I want to stop there right now. To me, that means that if you go and judge people with compassion, when it's time for the Lord to judge you, he shall have compassion in his heart when he judges you.”

“So...if you're nice, he'll be nice?”

“Yes. A simple but good way to look at it.” Maggie looked back at her bible. “And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thine brothers eye, but consider not the beam that is in thine own eye. Or how will thou say to thy brother, 'let me pull the mote from thine eye': And, behold a beam is in thine own eye. Thou Hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye, and then thou shall see clearly to cast out the mote from Thine Brothers eye.”

Maggie looked back at her daughter. “The idea here, is that you should realize that you are not perfect, neither is the other person, we've all made mistakes, everyone of us. So when you find someone and you start to judge their actions, remember the mistakes you made in your life before you pass a judgment on them.”

“I also think that the less time you spend worrying about other peoples problems, the more time you have to work on your own shortcomings.” Maggie stated. “But like I said a moment ago I also feel that when you're given the chance to judge someone, if you do it with compassion, when it comes time for you to meet God, he'll judge your actions with compassion as well. Yet if you're cruel, and look down on people as you judge them and you refuse to believe that there's any good in them, the Lord shall judge you just as harsh. I feel that the bible is a book of compassion, not hatred.”

“So, I should be nice, but what if someone is judging me?”

“The bible says to love your enemies and to pray for those who persecute you.” Maggie replied. “So when someone is judging you, let them and pray for them later. If they believe something so deeply, there's little hope that you can change their mind.”

“Like Mrs. Hallmark?” Tracy Asked.

“Yeah. Like her.” Maggie agreed, then she sighed. “And that was my fault for letting her in here, but if we hadn't, I think she could have been a lot worse and honestly, I am not expecting her to play nicely.”

Tracy didn't want to think of how Mrs. Hallmark could be if she got mean, instead she let out a long breath and went back to her original question. “So, I'm not an abomination?”

“Tracy, the bible was written thousands of years ago. People were a bit stricter with how they viewed things. In the same book that she was quoting, there are parts that state a man with damaged private parts can not enter the congregation of the Lord. Or people whose parents are not married can not enter the church. Or that virgins must marry the first person they sleep with and people can't re-marry. There's another book that states all people with anything wrong, be it in their sight, or body, like say a hunchback, or a blind-man can't enter the church.”

“So, people born with stuff, like Casey....she couldn't go to church? Or even Brooke with her wheelchair?”

“I think some of that is a bit outdated though. I want to say that some of it was meant for people who were the religious leaders, at least that's what I heard. There are a lot of rules in there and if people followed them to the letter, the world would be very different.”

“How?”

“Well, being stoned to death was a big thing back then. Children who didn't listen? Women who sold their body for sex, thieves, they all got treated about the same, with rocks. And women weren't supposed to be a part of it all. We were to be quiet and let the men run the world.”

“So, I should have been stoned for wearing a skirt?”

“Maybe not. I did say you have the soul of a girl. The more I see you as yourself, the more I'm convinced that you are a girl.” She held up a finger to help her make her point. “So if you have the soul of a girl...and the lord can see what you truly are on the inside...and he sees a young girl inside you...And you wear men's clothes.....” She waited for her child to connect the points of logic.

“Then I'm an abomination, if I wear men's clothes?” Tracy answered, her smile getting wide as she did.

Maggie kissed Tracy's cheek, proud of her daughter once more. “That's how I'm seeing it. See, there's other things, stuff that Molly must have never looked at. The bible says to love thy neighbor.” Maggie sighed. “That's where I messed up. I went on the attack, I didn't forgive them for anything they did or said about you and the family. Instead I met their anger with anger and that was wrong of me.” Maggie pulled her daughter in and hugged her. “But tonight, just before I go to bed, I'll pray, like I do every night and pray that the Lord forgive me for my actions today.”

“And he'll forgive you for that?”

“That’s my belief, it's how I was raised. I feel bad for what I did and I want to make peace with it.”

“So if some of it seems outdated, what parts do we follow?” Tracy asked.

“I'd say the ten commandments are still the best guideline for how people should act. And there's not a one of us that can claim they didn't break one of the ten commandments. But it's when you ask for forgiveness and you truly mean it, the Lord can look into your heart and he can forgive you of all your sins.”

“Have I sinned?”

“We all have. Remember the bit about he who has not sinned. Like your Grandmother said, no man is without sin. According to the Ten Commandments, each time you don't listen to your father and I, that's a sin. Each time you steal, even if it's something small, it's a sin.”

“Wow, Vance is in trouble, isn't he.” Tracy said with a chuckle.

“Maybe. But as long as he asks for forgiveness and truly feels repentant, then the Lord will grant the forgiveness.”

Tracy was quiet for a few moments, till she looked up at her mother and asked. “Mama, have you ever broken one of the ten Commandments? Other than lying?”

Maggie opened up her bible and began flipping to where the Ten Commandments were, in a back index. “When you get older, the more ten commandments you tend to come across. I can honestly say, I've never killed anyone.” She gave a little smile. Her daughter smiled and looked at the bible and began reading. “But I have lied and when I was younger, like Vance and you, I had troubles listening to my parents too.” She let that sink into her daughters head as they read the commandments. Then Tracy looked up at her.

“Images, that's like the golden cow that the Jews had, right? From that book in the bible when the Jews left Egypt?” Tracy asked, remembering the stories from the bible from years earlier when she had been to a church.

“Correct. God didn't want them to worship any other God. It goes with the commandment about not having any other God before him, so he passed down a law that said no other idols should be worshiped.”

“What about the sabbath? Have we broken that?”

“Well, you don't work, but in a sense one could claim you have by cleaning your grandmothers house on Sundays.”

“So when Dad has had to work on Sundays, it's breaking that commandment?”

“Yeah. He does it to help put food on the table, but if we were to follow the bible by the letter, then he's a sinner for working on Sunday.”

“And taking the Lord's name in vain?” Tracy looked at her mother for a moment. “Do I do that?”

“When you're mad and you swear, using the Lord's name, that is taking it in vain.”

Tracy read some more, then looked at her mother again. “What does false witness mean? I always thought it was that you shouldn't lie?”

“Hmmm, you're right.” Maggie thought about it for a moment and nodded at the wisdom of the statement. “Well, false witness could mean like when someone asks you something. Like....Ah yes, like when Mr. Harper asked you what you saw at the school when Bruce stole? Well if you had said he stole something, but he hadn't, that's false witness. Or if you had said that he hadn't stolen, when he had, that's also false witness. I believe it means to not gossip about others too.”

“Oh.” Tracy said. She looked at the page once more. “What's covet?”

“That means you want something, and it belongs to someone else.” Maggie held up a finger. “But don't get this confused with theft. You may covet something, but that doesn't mean you have stolen it. But if you did, then it's two sins you have caused. But now there are parts of the bible that say that if you covet it, then in your heart, you have already stolen it”

“I think I've done that, the covet thing I mean.”

“We all have, even me.” Maggie stated. “For kids, it may be a new bike that someone has, or a pair of pretty shoes that some girl has and you wish you could have it for yourself, or for younger kids, it's that cookie that you really want, but the kid across the table from you has it. For adults it's even bigger. Men who want a younger, cute girl, are coveting. When someone wants their neighbors car, or house or like a boat, that's coveting.

“But the bible says to not covet your neighbors stuff....so is it okay to covet things that belong to someone who is not a neighbor? Like if they live across town?”

“I would say no. When this was written, there were a lot less people in the world and cities were smaller. So I feel that it means you shouldn't want anything owned by your neighbors.” Maggie replied. “It also says that you should you should treat your neighbor as you want to be treated. So does that mean you can be mean to people across town? Or should you treat them with the respect that you want to be given.”

“So neighbor could be like anyone then.” Tracy said as she took the answer and thought about how she had spoken to Molly about giving her respect.

“I think neighbor refers to everyone that isn't you. Plus it says neighbor, but it doesn't say the man across the street, next door, or across town or even in another country, so I would consider neighbor as everyone.”

“So, we should be nice to everyone in the world?”

Maggie nodded. “Yes. You should always strive to be a kind person and treat everyone like you want to be treated.”

“Why are some people mean then? Like Bruce and that guy who calls?”

“Some people don't have any love in their hearts, so they lash out at the ones who have it. You're a special girl. You got support from both your dad and I, your Grandparents and your brother. Plus you have a group of friends and their parents. Some people don't have that, so instead of trying to be a friend, they lash out because they feel you are rubbing it in their face, or that you think you're better then they are, even if you don't think that.”

“Oh.” Tracy was quite as she processed that as well and she began reading from the bible. “What's adultery?” She asked.

“That's where a man or a wife sleeps with someone that they are not married to.”

“Oh.” Tracy was quiet as she looked at the page, then she looked up to her mother. “So, covet and adultery can be together too? Like stealing and coveting and lying and false witness? If you want your neighbor’s wife and you sleep with her, that's adultery and coveting? Right?”

“Right.” Maggie said with a proud smile. She knew her children were smart, but this was helping to cement that feeling. Then her moment was shattered with a simple question.

Tracy looked to her Mother. “Mama? You said you coveted stuff.....Have you ever committed adultery?” The question had left her lips before her mind could stop her.

The question had blindsided Maggie and her jaw dropped slightly. She was quiet for a few moments till Tracy asked the question again, having seen the surprised look on her mother’s face. A part of her guessed that she had found out something her mother thought was hidden as shame and guilt crossed her mothers face and Maggie began to look away. “Mama, you...you did, didn't you?”

Maggie wanted to lie, but she was afraid that the young girl would find out and ruin the trust the two of them had. Plus what would that teach her daughter about the bible, if her own mother lied to her while telling her lying was a sin. The next sentence she said to her daughter was one of the hardest she had to say, but she felt that she needed to hear it. “I did, once about nine months after Vance had been born. It was while your father was away in Viet Nam.” Maggie couldn't look her daughter in the eye.

Tracy moved on her mothers knee, but didn't get up fully. “You had sex with someone that wasn't Dad? Does he know?”

Maggie nodded sadly, still not looking to her daughter. “He knows.”

Tracy slowly stood up, taking a step away, but watching her mother. Her voice filled with a surge of emotions, mostly shock and a sense of being unsure of things. She knew she had been born after the war, but now a question came to her mind. To her it was now a very big question. “Is Dad really my Dad?” She knew that he was, at least she hoped he was, but after years of her brother telling her she was adopted, that fear came racing back at her.

“Yes.” Maggie replied. She sighed and just agreed with herself to tell Tracy the full story. “Tracy, this was nine months after Vance was born. Your father had been shipped out almost a week after Vance's birth. You were born about nine months after he returned to the states, so yes, William is your father.”

“Why Mama? Didn't you love Daddy?”

“I do love him and I did at the time too, but he had been gone and I was lonely....” She sighed. She knew her daughter wasn't old enough to understand how distance can cause the pain of loneliness to exasperate. She reached out and gently touched Tracy's hand, then she folded her fingers around it. “Baby, I hadn't seen your father in nine months. I was living alone trying to raise Vance on what little money your grandparents could send me, along with your father’s pay from the military. I never set out to hurt your father. But there was a man who lived in the same apartment building and he was always kind to me and good with Vance. While your father was away, he would come over and work on the place, because the maintenance man was always taking his time around there.”

Tracy stayed very still. A part of her was still shocked that her mother had slept with someone that wasn't her father. A smaller part still wondered if William was her father.

Maggie swallowed hard and continued. “He was handsome and I'll admit it, I had a crush on him. I coveted him.” Maggie said, using the bible for her daughter as a reference. “I went to his house one night to cook him a meal, in thanks for the work he had done for me around the apartment.”

Tracy could see tears start to fall from her mother's eye and a part of her felt guilty for asking a question that hurt her mother so badly. Maggie took a free hand and wiped the tears away. “But honestly, I went there for other reasons. We had a nice meal and he had some wine. I had been drinking since I had gotten there. I was trying to quiet the thoughts running through my mind. I couldn't help but see the man as a means to an end. He was someone who was willing to give me something I needed. The touch of a man, the chance to be held by strong arms and given the release that I so desperately needed.”

“One thing led to another and he eventually led me to the bed. I lay there, naked on this man's bed and guilt and shame began to well up in me because I was cheating on my husband. Before we went all the way, I ended up running from his bedroom, and running back to my apartment. Once I got inside the guilt and shame over whelmed me and I ended up on the living room floor, clutching a picture of your father and crying myself to sleep.” Maggie sniffled. “The next morning your Grandma Bernice came home with Vance and she found me curled up on the floor, still still naked and holding your fathers picture and feeling like a worthless whore for what I had done.”

Tracy processed what her mother had said, but her mind caught something that didn't seem like it fit. “You....you said before you went all the way....so....if you didn't do anything, why feel guilty?”

“Tracy, I know you've read the books your father has. There are things more then just normal intercourse. There's other things you can do and....” Maggie looked away from her daughter as the feelings of that day twelve years earlier came back to haunt her. Tracy just watched as her mother sat there, still holding her hand and crying.

“Tracy, I'm not proud of what I did. And honestly I'll never be over it. But I love your father and you two kids. I wouldn't want my life to be any different. I've never strayed again. Each time I've seen a guy who is handsome, I just remember I have the greatest man in the world in my life and that he and I have the two best children in the world. I'm sorry if this makes me seem worse to you. I never should have done it, but I was tempted and I sinned. I've begged the Lord plenty of times to forgive me, as I asked your father too.” Maggie looked at her daughter. “I never meant to hurt him and in a way, I hurt you, so can you forgive me?”

Tracy realized how bad her mother was hurting, so she leaned forward and put her arms around her mother. “I'm sorry Mama, I shouldn't have asked that.” She held on tight and whispered in her ear. “I can forgive you.”

“It's okay. I just... it's not my proudest moment.” Maggie replied. pulling her daughter in tight.

Her father came out of the bedroom, where he had been listening and he put a hand on Tracy's shoulder. Tracy felt the hand and she looked up at him. He didn't smile, he just stood there with the same sad expression that her mother wore. “Tracy, you have to understand, war changes people on both sides. It's happened for years.”

“How?”

William was quiet for a moment, then he dropped to a knee by his daughter and wife. “You remember the song that came out this past July? 'War is hell on the home front too?' The country song?”

“Yeah.” Tracy nodded.

“Did you ever understand it?” William asked. “What the song is really saying?”

“It's about a boy who stays with a woman and....” She blushed a bright red. “Sleeps with her?”

“Yeah. But it's about how a woman gets lonely while her husband was off at war. She didn't want to cheat on her husband, that's why she tipped over his picture, but she needed to be held and he wasn't there.” Her father. He decided to try the talk from a different angle. “Baby, you like Peter, right?”

Tracy nodded, even though she knew that her father knew how she felt about Peter. “Yeah.”

“You missed not seeing him at school the past couple of days, right?”

“Yeah, I don't miss school, but I liked spending time with him.”

“Do you love him?” Her father asked.

Tracy blushed and looked to the floor. “Yeah. I think so, maybe?” She finally answered.

“Baby, when you get older, and if you're still with him, that love will get bigger. There will be a physical side to love as well, and a lot of people, men and women both, feel the need to be touched, held and loved, not just in word, but in deed.”

“You mean sex.”

“Yeah.” William put an arm around his daughter. “And it's hard when you're separated from the person you love for a couple of years.” When his daughter didn't respond, he continued. “Baby, there's a reason I forgave your mother.

“What was it?”

“She wasn't the only one who strayed.” William stated.

“You slept with someone else too?”

William went to his chair and sat down, then he held his arms out and Tracy slowly walked over and sat on his knee. “Baby, I had been in 'Nam for more then a year when I went on leave. While there I went past a whore house and I'll admit it, I was lonely for the touch of a woman. I'm not proud that I went in, or that I paid for it, but when the girl came in, I couldn't bring myself to touch her. I ended up just talking to her. I must have told her all about your mother and Vance and our plans for when I returned from the war, but she had no idea what I said, at least I don't think she did. But do you know why I didn't do anything?”

“No, why didn't you?”

“Your Mother. I couldn't stand to hurt the woman of my dreams.” He stated. “I felt so bad for what I did that I left the brothel and just started walking the streets. I think I walked all night, because I don't recall going to a hotel. The next day I found myself at a little shop and I found the best present for her. You know her jewelry box, the fancy jade colored one? I bought that the next morning.”

“When did she find out and when did you find out about her?” Tracy asked.

“I had to tell him.” Maggie said as she moved to her daughter. “The guilt welled up in me so bad that I couldn't look him in the eyes when he got back. So one day, about a week after he got home from the hospital, I sent Vance off with my parents and told him everything that happened.”

“Was he mad?” Tracy asked as she looked to her mother.

“Yeah, I was.” William answered, causing Tracy to look his way. “We had a nasty fight that night. But I started to call her a no-good whore, when I saw that jewelery box and I couldn’t find the words anymore. I left the house for a couple of hours to cool off and came back to find your mother, holding my picture and lying on the couch and sobbing. So I told her my story. She wasn't much happier, but we both realized that we had temptation and we walked away from what was in front of us so we could be true to the one we loved.”

“And you made up, right?” Tracy asked, not realizing how stupid the question was since they were still together.

“Yeah.” William answered. “I realized that I wanted your mother more than anything and I was willing to fight to keep her. It wasn't easy, but we worked through our problems together.”

“I felt the same. Your father means the world to me and damned if I was going to lose him for something we both did. But the best part is how he made up to me and what happened afterward.”

“How did you make up with her?” Tracy asked.

“I had her parents watch Vance one more night, then I had her put on her nicest dress, and we started the evening at the best restaurant I could afford, then we went to the movies and caught a couple of romantic movies. There were a couple of war movies out, but I wanted that evening to be about your mother and she loves the romantic comidies.”

“I loved every minute of it.” Maggie stated. “We would have gone dancing, but he was still in his leg cast from the war.”

William smiled at the memory of that night. “Then we came home and...well I've always thought the best part of fighting was the making up afterward.”

“What do you mean? Make up how?”

Maggie smiled and put a hand on her child's shoulder. “Well about nine months after that night, you were born.”

Tracy blushed as she realized what they meant. “Oh.”

William hugged her and Maggie moved over and dropped to a knee and wrapped her arms around both her husband and daughter. William kissed Tracy's cheek, then he looked in her eyes to get her attention. “Baby, You need to realize that we all make mistakes, so don't hate your mother for things that happened. No one is perfect and we don't expect you to be either. We try to do what's right and best for you. Like your Grandmother said earlier, we are all sinners, but it's asking for forgiveness that can save you.”

“Mom said that too.”

“You should listen to your Mom, she's a smart woman, so's your Grandma.” William said with a nod to his wife. “But that's what she meant by the Judging not thing. We've both sinned, so we try to not lord over other people. We've both asked the Lord for forgiveness and we've asked it from each other. I have to say, I am glad I stayed with your mother. I am proud to have two wonderful children that I love dearly.” William kissed her cheek again. “You make us both proud. So does Vance.”

“He's right.” Maggie said with a grin. “You both make us proud, we don't say that much, but it's true.”

“I try my best.” Tracy said.

“As long as you give it your all and do your best to be a decent person to everyone, what more could we ask.” William said.

“Thank you.”

“Now get back to bed. Don't worry about the guy on the phone or Mrs. Hallmark.” Maggie said. “Unless you need that warm milk.”

“Nah. I'll be fine.” Tracy stated.

“Good night baby.” Maggie said as she kissed her daughters cheek, then stood up.

“Night Mama.”

“Night Sweetie.” William said, then he kissed her other cheek. “Try to get some sleep. We can always talk in the morning.”

“Okay. Thanks Daddy.”

Now keep in mind, Maggie's view on religion is about how mine was before I left the church. I know it's a bit simple, but that's how she sees stuff. I felt the need to do this to work on Maggie's...and William's characters a bit more.