Steps of Faith
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio

---

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gylRtwfh6p8

---

The Reunion

At a coffee shop near Rochester, New York...

The last time they had talked, apart from a brief phone conversation a few years ago, was in 1994, on the day of graduation. Oh, there were the young lions and the women of honor, I suppose, that filled most of the seats on stage that day, but there also were a handful of older folks. Several men and a few women who had been around the block, so to speak, in a spiritual sense; they saw the world in black and white; good vs. evil, and few shades of gray. No wiggle room regarding sin and salvation, Jimmy had said. What would he say today to his friend?

Perry looked at the clock over the counter, its quasi-demonic symbol pushing caffeine and marginally delectable steamed dairy products in an attempt to keep the world on edge. The door swung open for the fourth time in three minutes; the man stepped in from the warm afternoon. He hadn’t changed much, apart from the graying temples and the nod to fashion with the ‘frame-less’ glasses. He stepped up to the counter and ordered a coffee; cream and one sugar. Some things never change, Perry thought, as the man tucked his Washington Times Weekly under his arm and walked to the pickup counter to wait for his order.

“Excuse me, Ma’am?” he said a moment later, walking up to where Perry sat.

“I’m meeting a friend here shortly, and there seems to be no other seat besides the one at your table. May I sit here while I wait?”

“Sure…feel free.” Perry smiled.

“I haven’t been in town in years. Things are so different since went since I left. There was only one traffic light when I went to school.” He pointed out the window in the direction of the old building up the hill.

“Really?” Perry smiled.

“The town changed with the times, I suppose. I don’t understand how things could have gotten this bad so fast. Some folks would chalk that up to progress, perhaps. Oh…I’m sorry; my name is James…Jim Parker, I’m here for the reunion.”

She offered her hand, which he shook. She smiled and asked,

“You said you went to school here. Are you in the ministry?”

“Yes…I pastor a church outside of Buffalo…a few hundred folks stop by. I guess I must be doing something right.” Jim smiled and took a sip of his coffee. Perry lifted the cup from the table and sipped her mocha latte.

“You from town?” He smiled; almost as charming as Perry remembered; probably ratcheted it back a few notches to be prudent regarding meeting new people.

“No, well yes, now, but not originally. I hail from the Garden State.”

“Oh…Joisy.” Perry shrugged at the old joke; it never got new, as someone once quipped.

“I have a counseling practice the next town over…Stratford? I’m sure if you went here, you’re familiar with the area.”

“Yes, I actually did my student internship helping out the pastor over in Carterville. It was a nice experience.

“Oh yes…I did mine at the hospital there…chaplain intern, of all things. I wasn’t ready for that at all; it was sobering. I realized I wasn’t nearly ready to help people then.”

“Ah, I see. So you have a Christian counseling practice?” Jim smiled. Perry looked away before returning a smile and saying,

“Actually yes and no. I am a Christian, but my practice isn’t a Christian practice, per se.”

“Oh, I see…get them in and then let them hear the gospel?” Jim smiled.

“Not really. My specialty is in trauma; abuse victims mostly. They come needing healing from a broken past, and not a lecture.” Jim frowned at the response as she continued,

“And even If I felt led, which I don’t, I can’t, since I hold a license with the state; I’m not really permitted ethically to put my faith out there. If they bring up their spiritual concerns, we do talk about it, but the talks aren’t exclusive by any means.”

“Really?” He asked, arching his eyebrow slightly. “Don’t you find that compromises your faith?” He shook his head; almost like Diane Sawyer doing an interview.

“No…it actually strengthens my faith when I allow myself to be exposed to things contrary to which I believe. God is big enough to handle my doubts and keep me safe from any ‘heresy,’ I suppose. Dr. Wallace used to say, “Folks…when it comes to spiritual matters, be discerning. Chew the meat but spit out the bones.”

“You know Dr. Wallace? Ah…a fellow student? You were here when he was president of the school. I see.” Jim half-frowned and shook his head, looking up the hill once again.

“After he left, the incoming president talked about a new ‘era’, which some of us felt de-legitimized our education; like somehow folks thought he was wrong… worse than that…he wasn’t spiritual enough to suit the school.” She said; her disappointment obvious

“I went here at that time as well; it bothered me that he was so…he wasn’t quite…”

“Not cut-and-dried? I actually found him quite…refreshing.” Perry said.

“What? Yes…Say…I don’t recall meeting you back then.”

“I took a lot of counseling courses….and yes, I was in counseling at the same time….I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable.” Perry smiled again.

Oh, no...Listen, don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate the work you folks do, but really, when you get right down to it, should you really even be in ministry at all?”

“Perhaps you could be specific?"

“I don’t understand.” James shook his head once again.

“Well, you just implied I shouldn’t be in ministry. I suppose we should then examine your criteria? Your hermaneutics, if you will?”

“Oh…I think you know what I’m driving at.” Jim smiled.

“Perhaps. Let’s look at it again and ask the question; what exactly excludes me?” Perry smiled and Jim smiled back.

“Am I wrong because I’m a psychologist? Because I got my doctorate at one of ‘those’ schools?” Perry recalled the surprised looks she had received when she announced her intention to attend NYU.“

“Well, I help my patients arrive at solutions that suit their needs. And yes, if they need extra help, I consult or refer to my psychiatrist friends, but I believe much of what they deal with can be treated with little or no medication.”

“Well at least we agree on that…” James began, but Perry cut him off.

“Brain chemistry; deficiencies caused by genetics, trauma, illness, all sorts of reasons why the brain doesn’t work the way it should. You know what old Wallace would say.”

“I know, I know…’Any truth has to be God’s truth.’” Jim said with a disappointed frown. He went to continue, but Perry held out a hand.

“Now my faith does come into play since it’s integrated into my counseling philosophy; it guides me and hence my work, but it doesn’t dictate it.” He frowned at the answer as she continued.

“But that’s only one reason, Rev. Parker. Let’s look at the biggie, shall we? I’m a woman…Paul talked about not permitting a woman to teach? Yet on other occasions in other epistles he talks about the service that some prominent women did; not just cleaning up or passing out food, mind you, but actually teaching and even prophesying and running churches and everything. From where I sit, it makes absolutely no sense to disqualify half the human race from ministry just because of their…equipment.”

“But Eve ate the fruit of the knowledge of Good and Evil first.” Jim argued.

“She was deceived by the serpent, but Adam ate the fruit already knowing it was wrong, if you may recall. Which one offense was worse, then?” Perry smiled and sipped her latte.

Jim shrugged his shoulders and frowned once again.

“But here’s one you probably didn’t even consider, okay?” Perry sighed as she struggled with the next few words; almost like Joseph when he hid who he was from his brothers when he ruled in Egypt.

“I’m not likely to be attending any reunions any time soon, Jim.” She shook her head and blinked out a few tears.

“I’ve changed quite a bit since I graduated. I still believe in the saving grace of God through the sacrifice of Christ. My perspective about what is actually sinful has changed significantly, however. It would seem for all the world that God hates more than he loves; judging by the way folks have been treated. Yes…I know that he has made the demand for us to be holy, but just who decides what holy is? “

“But the Bible is clear…” Jim said with a sigh. He looked frustrated; almost as if he felt he was failing in some way.”

“Jeez, Jimmy…you were always so black and white. You had all the passion without the compassion, like Dr. Helen would tell you. She didn’t mean it that harshly, but you do understand what she was driving at? The gospel is all about people, bro!”

Jim’s face grew red and his eyes widened in shocked recognition at the last expression, something he had heard often from a dear friend.

“No…it can’t be.” He stared at Perry, his eyes almost peering; as if through some spiritual monocle.

“Dr. Perry Antonassio, at your service…I stopped using Joseph for obvious reasons”

“You can’t be…you…”

“You’d be surprised at what changes life brings. I’m the same Perry who used to talk with you about Star Trek and football and Tom Clancy, Jimmy. The same Perry who sat with you and prayed. The same Perry who you and Nan took under your wing in my freshman year."

“I don’t believe it.” Jim insisted even as the expression in his face said otherwise; his frown changed to a smirk in an instant.

“Now I can see now why you don’t get invited.” He motioned with his head toward the school, grinning.

“Oh, I get invited all the time; I just know it would be a very uncomfortable thing for me to attend an alumni meeting.”

“Well, I should say so…it’s not like you’d fit in.” He laughed.

“Jimmy…I don’t attend because it would be disruptive, and even if I do disagree with many of the things I was taught, I care too much for the people there to embarrass them by my presence.”

“If you believe in what you did, why hide?”

“I don’t hide, obviously,” she said as she looked briefly at herself. “I don’t attend for their sake, not mine. There’s a time and place for debate and discussion, and it’s not at a meeting of old friends. I do still keep in touch with some of our classmates.”

“Well, anonymity has its benefits.” He was almost smirking at that point.

“They know who I am, Jimmy. Bobby Davidson and I talk on Facebook all the time. Wally and Cindy McIntyre had me up to their church to speak once last spring.” Perry sighed.

“Well, what does that make them?” Jim shook his head.

“Friends, Jimmy, just friends. Listen…not everyone I talk to agrees with what I did, but none of them has rejected me. I have an ongoing discussion with Jack Chance…almost like an online chess match. He hasn’t given up his hopes to rehabilitate me, and I haven’t given up on me being who I am, but he and Patty still love me. Sure, I wish they didn’t just love me on their terms, but they’ve never treated me poorly, and they’ve never insisted that I appear as anything but who I am. Things change slowly, but they do change. It makes some folks uncomfortable at times, but it’s not a ‘fellowship’ breaker.”

“I don’t agree.” Jim frowned and Perry turned away, biting her tongue and blinking back tears. She turned and faced him again, smiling.

“That’s okay, Jimmy…you’re not required to. I understand, and it’s okay…really.”

He shook his head once again before saying finally,

“Listen…it’s been good talking to you, Perry…really. Here’s my card…write your number on the back and I’ll give you a call the next time I’m over this way, okay?” He smiled as he stood up and Perry smiled back, wondering if that phone call would ever take place. A moment later a tall man in his late fifties walked up to the table.

“Jimmy Parker, is that you?” The man literally pulled him close and hugged him.

“Danny? It is…Dan Buonafede…Good to see you, guy. It’s been a long time….man oh man.” Jim smiled, but remembered that Perry was still sitting there. He thought about saying something, but looked out the window up the hill once again before turning again to his friend.

“What you been up to these past several years?” He continued to avoid looking at Perry; it almost seemed like minutes, but only seconds had ticked by.

“I used to pastor a church in Chelsea, but most recently I got a chaplain gig over at the county jail, now that I’m retired.”

“Where’s Carmen?” Jimmy said, looking around the shop.

“Oh, gosh…I thought you knew…she passed about nine years ago. Cancer…just like her mom…God love her.” Jim looked at Danny and shook his head.

“But hey, at least you two have met.” He looked over at Perry who sat quietly, a few tears in her eyes. She sighed and smiled at Jim and then at Danny, who leaned close and kissed her.

“You remember Perry, right? Funny thing how things work out.” Jim looked blankly at Danny, who smiled and continued.

“Perry spent every single afternoon with Carmen toward the end. She was a godsend then and a real sweetheart. I can’t believe I was blessed twice in a lifetime, you know?” Jim looked back and forth between the two before staring wide-eyed at Danny, who replied with a laugh,

“Oh Jeez, Jimmy, come on…of course I know.” He faced Perry and smiled before continuing.

“And you know something? It’s funny, but I don’t think it makes a damn bit of difference to God.” He winked and smiled broadly as Jimmy stood there, speechless; likely the first time since he had graduated years ago. A second later a tall man in his late twenties walked up to them.

“Hey Dad…you still on for Sunday night?” He smiled and Danny nodded.

“Jimmy, this is my son, Peter; he’s the head chaplain out at the jail where I volunteer. Pete…this is my friend Jimmy Parker…Rev. James Parker.”

“Please to meet you finally, sir. Dad talks about you all the time…the friendship you and he had; that’s one of the things that taught me all I needed to know…and of course my Mom and Dad’s marriage,” he sighed. Jim looked a bit relieved until he heard Peter speak again.

“Oh…and Perry here has been a huge help in getting me to see the grace of God. I’m so glad Dad found her.” He leaned closer and kissed Perry on the cheek.

“Love you!” He stood up and grabbed Danny by the arm,

“Hey…gotta fly; Lisa’s got dinner going and I want to get back to help before you guys head over, okay.” He smiled and shook Jimmy’s hand.

“Nice to meet you. Hey, catch you two later.” Peter slapped Danny on the back and was out the door. Jimmy stared as Peter departed and then turned back with a confused look on his face. Danny looked at him and tilted his head and raised his eyebrows in an expression that said, “Of course he knows!”

Danny grabbed Jim’s hand and shook it again, saying, “Great to see you, Jim…Give Nan our best, okay?” He turned and nodded at Perry who stood up, offering her hand to Jim.

“Nice to see you again, Jimmy. Really.”

She had planned on kissing him on the cheek in sisterly love, but thought better of it. Jim took her hand and shook it, nodding politely even as a nearly dazed look crossed his face. The two smiled again before turning and walking toward the exit. Danny turned and waved, saying one last time,

“Maybe things have changed…maybe folks are ready.”

“Maybe in another decade or two,” Perry said to herself, laughing softly as Danny offered her his arm.

“Maybe three, sweetie,” He said as he noted the sly grin on her face.

“Maybe three."

---

The Encounter

At a cafe in Henrietta, New York...

“Excuse me, Miss? I think you dropped your change purse?” The man stood at the table where Perry sat, holding a large coffee mug.

“Oh, gosh, yes. Thank you.” She looked at the man’s face and her own grew hot and red as she recognized him.

“You know it’s not polite to stare,” he laughed, lightening the mood only a bit.

“I’m sorry…you just look like someone I used to know.” Perry frowned and quickly replaced her expression with a half-smile.

“I suppose you could say that about a lot of people you meet or see, but sometimes it happens that you meet someone after a while that is a good friend, yes?” He pulled the chair out next to her and sat down.

“Joey….but I’ll bet you don’t use that name any more.” He smiled again; he always was such a welcoming person.

“It’s…it’s Perry now.” She said meekly, as if she had to apologize.

“Listen, Perry….I’m ….I’m different now.” He looked down at himself as if to examine his heart. She tilted her head slightly, hoping that her old memories wouldn’t cloud her vision now.

“I wish things hadn’t been so…abrupt the last time we talked. I’m so sorry, but I have to look at what we were back then…young and impressionable…and I was so friggin’ pig headed. When I heard you…what you planned to do….I…”

“It hurt me, Jason…it really did. Between you and Jimmy Parker, you were my best friends. I ran into Jimmy last year….he’s still Jimmy, but I’m not Joey any more. Can you understand that?”

Jason nodded, and his facial shade seemed to grow red just as Perry’s was returning to normal.

“That’s what I want to talk about. I’ve done a lot of thinking…and a lot of praying over the years, but it took losing my best friend due to my own ignorance. I’m sorry…so sorry that I hurt you.” It almost felt like things were oddly acceptable; Jason seemed to be apologizing, not to Perry, but to Joey, his best friend and prayer partner in Bible School. But things changed quickly.

“What you did was a brave thing. Of course they didn’t talk about it openly, but some of the preaching at chapel seemed to ratchet up the spiritual rhetoric, you know? Sheep falling away from the flock….hate the sin but love the sinner? It got to where you were the topic of conversation for a whole week at morning meeting. What to do with you, as if you were a problem instead of a brother in the lord….sorry, but that’s how they viewed you. Deceived and self-deceived.”

Perry put her head down; remembering the old saying about gossip going around the world before the truth gets out of bed. She felt a soft touch, first on the cheek and then as Jason’s hand lifted her chin slightly.

“You’re not my brother! But you are my sister; I suppose you’ve always been. I remember the talks we’d have in the coffee shop after class. How you’d be so much more sympathetic to people we thought were….” It was his turn, but he took it further as he began to tear up before putting his head down in shame. A second later he lifted it.

“Now…seeing you? I was already convinced quite some time ago that I had been wrong about a lot of things, but looking at you now? Like Beth and Trish and some of the other single girls we knew? Women of god, we called them. Little did I know I was best friends with one of them?”

“You think I’m in their league?” Even after years of therapy and a wonderful marriage to a great guy, Perry still remained insecure and filled with doubts. Cut off from two families as her parents practically disowned her. The school, ostensibly her spiritual family, had actually requested that she return her diploma, insisting that she had earned it under false pretenses. One board member had actually called her a liar in a meeting.

“I can’t think of anyone who fits the title better than you. Especially with what you do now. When I talked to Danny this morning he told me you were counseling…that was always your heart…”

“You talked to Dan?” Perry was surprised that Jason had already been in touch with her husband Dan.

“I called up after finding his name in the directory; he’s sorta persona non grata for marrying you, but they haven’t gotten around to jettisoning him from the directory. I had heard that you two were married, and I figured it was the easiest way to contact you..”

“You wanted to contact me?”

“Yes…he told me you’d probably be here; a place to unwind after your recovery group.”

“So you just didn’t happen to be here?” Perry half-frowned, still feeling vulnerable and insecure.

“What I have to say to you cannot be just brushed off with a phone call." Perry turned toward the front window of the café and blew out a breath. He put his hand on her arm and she turned again to face him.

“I’ve…Listen….I was wrong, but talk is cheap. You don’t go through life just watching things happen, you know, and sometimes it takes action to put some sort of credibility to your words.”

“I…I’m not sure I understand, Jason…”

“I turned my back on the best friend I ever had; I hurt you more than I can imagine, and I am so sorry. Would …Jeez, Joey….sorry…Perry….Dear god in heaven I’m so fucking sorry and angry at myself….what I did to you. Please forgive me.” He began to cry; evidence of a healing that started the first day after he had turned his back on her, but finally coming to fruition. She put her hand on his face, feeling his tears. She recalled a time when she…when Joey had consoled Jason after the death of his brother; too young to drive and never old enough to drink. She felt his tears that day as well, wanting so badly to kiss the pain away but held back by convention and ignorance.

“Jason…honey…” A term of affection that had always been stuck safely in the back of her throat, now coming from a woman who was finally free to be herself, she repeated,

“Jason, honey? Of course I forgive you….I’m so sorry….” As if it had been her fault all along, she spoke,

“I should have kept in contact…please forgive me for being angry all these years.”

“You…have nothing to apologize for. It’s all my fault that you were hurt so much.” There was more than enough regret to go around.

“I…I prayed…..have been praying for quite some time about what my next step is. I talked with Wally and Cindy when I went to preach…we both feel something needs to be done to show the school how wrong they were about you. He's supporting me and I hope you'll understand and not feel responsible. I’ve turned in my credentials and I’ve left the fellowship. Gisele and I have taken a position as house parents at a home for girls in New Mexico. We’ll be moving in a few weeks.”

“But…you…your calling …you wanted so bad to be a pastor.” Perry gasped at the revelation, and the impact of her best friend’s commitment to her was almost overwhelming as she began to cry.

“I wouldn’t be a shepherd if I abandoned one of the flock, would I? Besides, the calling of God is irrevocable, remember. Just a tad modified, is all. Wally turned in his as well, by the way.” He smiled through his own tears. She shook her head in wonder; it was all too painful and sweet at the same time. A moment later a girl of about sixteen or so came up to the table.

“Dad…. Mom wants to know when we’re going to dinner?” The girl turned and shook her head before continuing.

“Oh…Excuse me, Ma'am. I’m Gwen…You must be ….Oh gosh, Dad, I forgot the name. Please forgive me, but for the longest time…maybe since I was in elementary school, Dad’s been talking about what a good friend Joey was, but I know that’s not your name now, right?” Perry wiped her face with her blouse sleeve before offering her hand to the girl.

“I’m Perry. Nice to meet you, Gwen. You look a lot like your Mom.”

“She should…she has my genes,” a voice came from behind the girl.

“Gisele…oh gosh…it’s so good to see you again.” Perry once again began to tear up

“I know…after all these years. Well…I see life and time has been kind to both of us. It’s…” Gisele choked up, but still was able to embrace Perry.

“I’m so glad for you. Dan Buonofede? Wow…I can remember the girls in the dorm drooling over him. It was so sad to hear about Carmen, but I can’t think of a nicer person to follow her. Dan’s very lucky.”

A soft and healing torrent of words flooded Perry’s heart, and she began to sob in Gisele’s arms. The girl behind the counter shot them a look of concern before Jason nodded and smiled. He sighed heavily and Perry reached out blindly to grasp his hand.

“I’m so glad we hooked up before our move. You and Dan should come visit, if you’d like. I want you to meet our son as well….he has a soccer tournament with his traveling team, and we’re off after dinner to meet up with him tonight at the motel by the soccer complex in Geneva. He left early for practice this morning. We’re really proud of him. He's got a scholarship to U of NM in the fall.” Gisele beamed even as she blinked back some tears of her own. So whatya say? Dinner on us?"

“That’s …I...We’d be happy to. I’m sure Dan will want to catch up with you."

"Oh, we know he will...he's meeting all of us at Domenico's in about a half hour." Jason laughed. It had turned out to be a wonderful encounter.

"Guess what our son's name is." Gisele said softly as they walked out of the cafe. They stood by Perry's car and she tilted her head, thinking.

"Oh, I don't know....Vito?" Perry laughed; she and Jason both had grandfathers with the same name. Jason shook his head.

"Is he a junior…Jason Calabrese the third I’ll bet?”

"Nope...that name stops here; at least for the time being. Guess again!" Gwen's eyes widened, but her mother put her finger to her lips to shush her.

"Oh, god, what am I thinking." Perry looked into Jason's eyes and nodded.

"Peter, right? After your brother?"

Jason shook his head once again; he tried not to, but he began to tear up once again as he replied with a smile,

“No…that's his middle name.” Gisele stepped close and hugged the woman who was her husband's best friend. She kissed her on the cheek and said finally,

"No other name would do for our boy; he's named after someone we knew a long time ago and are glad to know once again. His name is Perry."

---

The Reckoning...

Veteran's Memorial Park, Henrietta, New York...

Two figures sat on a metal bench next to the asphalt path. Both were tired. What had promised to be a nice run in the park had slowed to an almost unbearable walk past familiar places that promised nothing but reminders of what had been.

“Sort of ironic!” Perry put her head down as she covered her face with her hand. Dan leaned closer and lifted her chin, caressing her cheek and brushing away a few tears.

“We’ll get through this, right?” He was asking the question as much for himself as for his wife. Mrs. Daniel Buonofede. No other title would do at the moment even though she had earned her second doctorate in traumatology.

“Oh, Dan…jeez, of course we’ll get through this,” she said sarcastically. She was normally given to being positive and upbeat, but even with acceptance, still after years of rejection by other old friends, her illness was almost too much to bear. And as much as she hated herself for being bitter, it was really easy for Dan to say ‘we’ll’ when it was she who was losing part of herself….body and identity perhaps rolled into one great loss. The cancer had advanced too quickly for any other approach, and it left her without definition, in a way. And it also left her with doubt.

“All you’ve got left…. Well, it’s not like the damn thing does anything.” She glanced down at her crotch. Her words were too accurate to deny and almost too painful to hear; they certainly were almost unbearable to say. She put her head down again, this time with eyes open as she stared at her chest.

“That’s not fair, Perry, and you know it!” Dan protested, looking hurt. Perry looked at him and shook her head.

“Of course it’s not fair, Dan, but who ever said life was fair.” Nothing he could say at that point was going to make much of a difference, but he tried as he lifted her chin once again.

“I love you.” He bit his tongue, but the tears came none the less. She looked into his eyes and beheld the truth of what he had just said. She knew all along, of course, that her husband accepted her and loved her. It was almost impossible for her at that point to accept and love herself. Even with a husband who knew and actually embraced her past even as she had rejected it.

“I love you.” He repeated as he choked back a sob. It seemed almost futile to try to dissuade her self-doubt, but he was used to her pain, and wasn’t going to quit.

“Perry, sweetheart…I know things are bad, and it is easy for me to talk, but you need to know how important you are to me. When Carmen died I thought I had died with her, but you brought me back to life. You’re different, you know.” She cringed at the turn of phrase until he continued.

“Carmen was so…well, I loved her dearly, but it was so hard to know where I stood. She was so insecure that she wondered; almost up to the end… yes, she changed…but she doubted my love for her. With you? I know you know that I love you. I see it in your eyes as you’ve returned that love tenfold every day. Perry, honey….we…yes, we, since you’re in my heart, and I know I’m in yours. We are going to get through this. And nothing can change how I feel for you, okay?” She went to turn away, but she found his hand carefully directing her face. A kiss followed such as she had never known.

“I love you so much!” He said as he kissed away her tears and perhaps the residual self-doubt and hatred as well. It was as if she trusted without really knowing that he loved her up to that moment in time, but right then and there it was firm and secure and sealed on her heart.

Dan Buonofede loved his wife…the woman who gave him solace when the love of his life passed. The woman who had helped heal his family by being a mother to his son. The woman who felt insecure and inexperienced and unworthy in all things feminine because of her unfeminine beginnings she had believed. Dan loved Perry, and had not only been saved by her love, but as Rose told her Jack , Dan had saved her in every way a woman could be saved.

“I…” She went to apologize once again. Secure and confident in person to everyone else, she doubted herself in times such as these; not only for her husband’s sake, but for her own, she continued to reject the fact that she was worth loving. One more moment in time for God to prove his faithfulness thru the servant he had placed in her life. Dan kissed her again. Longer and with such tenderness as to finally melt whatever had iced over her confidence and self-esteem.

Ironic, yes, that she was destined to lose something that she felt defined how authentic a woman she was, but she had gained so much more in that moment by the love of a good and caring and gentle man. Love that really defined her by just accepting her for who she was.

Life isn’t always fair if you allow for fairness. But still? Life is what it is, and a reckoning can surprise.

---

Realization
Hope Fellowship, Carthage, New York
 

Perry stood behind the podium and looked down; her gesture owing more to nervousness and residual shame despite the welcoming faces in small congregation than to a perusal of her notes. A tall, bearded man stepped closer and put his hand on her back. He spoke softly; not a whisper, but still soft enough so as not to be heard by anyone in the congregation.

“Go ahead, Perry. They love you, okay?” Wally smiled at her and stepped off the low dais and back to his seat. He nodded at her and gave her the thumbs up.

“Good morning. Thank you for your kind welcome. It's always such a joy to see our friends here. My husband is usually the one who preaches when we visit, but today it's my turn. I promise I won’t preach....much.” The congregation laughed at the joke, which helped ease her anxiety only somewhat, since they hadn’t heard her text, and they didn’t have a clue save for a few close friends who had made the long trip from Avon to lend support.

"It says in Galatians, ‘In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ.’ That doesn’t mean that those folks don’t exist any longer…I can see a few women and men out there, and maybe some of you are slaves to the internet or ESPN?” She smiled and her countenance was mirrored ‘ten-fold’ to use a Biblical expression. She took a deep breath, hoping the levity of the moment would soften the word she had to give…to bestow as a request, more likely.

“What it does mean is that we…you and me...the folks right here and now, down here on earth, so to speak, shouldn’t make any distinction between each other. Accepting each for who they are, yes?”

She missed the nods of approval as she fiddled with her notes. Who was she to bring a message that endorsed her point of view? What had she done to further the kingdom of God on earth to allow for her perspective? What really made her point of view better than that of anyone else? The same plaguing questions that beset her daily practically attacked her as she shook from fear. And she took a breath and looked over at her husband. Danny smiled and spoke without sound, mouthing the precious blessing that would give her strength,

“I love you!” She blinked back some tears; odd for the moment the folks in the front row might say. Who had ever cried over Galatians 3? She recalled a moment in time that reinforced the joy to which her tears owed existence only weeks before…

Rochester General Hospital, Rochester, New York...the day after her mastectomy...

“Hold my hand?” Perry looked up at her son. He had originally entered her life as the child of a friend; learning to hope again after his mother’s death; brought to that place by the love of someone whom he didn’t ‘get’ at all.

“Dad,” he had said softly when Perry came to help Daniel Buonofede usher the love of his life into that place of peace to which we all eventually arrive. Carmen and Danny had been friends for so long and had seen Perry through her own, unique and daunting challenges; being two of only a handful of people from her past who knew and accepted that she had once been a male student at the Bible School they all attended. Only a few who had stood with her when the school revoked her credentials and set her adrift in a sea of non-acceptance and hate.

“What’s up with her? She’s sorta odd,” Peter had asked. Partly due to her own feelings of awkward shame and partly due to a young man’s lack of knowledge, the words were understandable if still rude. Danny explained to his son about Perry’s origins and that was that. Nothing more to be said, since he trusted his father’s character and his mother’s love. Whatever they said he accepted, so Perry went from being ‘odd’ to being part of his family. And he became her son in a way even before his mother had passed. She had taken his hand and put it in hers much in the same way Christ had done with Mary and John. “Mother, here is your son.” Peter was already an adult, being past his eighteenth birthday when Daniel and Perry wed, but she ‘adopted’ him anyway, and he adopted her.

“Mom…it’s okay…I’m here.” He squeezed Perry’s hand; a comforting gesture to be sure, but nothing nearly so dear and personal as the words that accompanied it. Perry had lived through a half lifetime of sorts of shame and doubt, followed by some affirmation coupled with other's rejection and more shame. Nothing could still the nagging doubts in her heart better than two words; “Honey,” which Danny said almost on a minute-by-minute basis, and “Mom,” which Peter and his wife Lisa would say whenever they had the opportunity.

“I’m…” She began to protest; her words nearly a mantra that the family had heard over the last decade. Unnecessary and sad, but abided with love as they understood that Perry might never feel completely freed from the past, no matter how much they said in encouragement.

Some things don’t die easily; ghosts like shame and guilt and doubt hang on tenaciously and haunt us seemingly forever. It didn’t help Peter that his mother had only days before borne the brunt of a particularly obnoxious and ignorant woman at her surgeon’s office; pronouncing aloud to Perry that since she wasn’t really a woman, the surgery she faced wouldn’t be disfiguring at all. It was an opportunity for patience for a kindhearted man who never raised his voice but once in his lifetime.

“Excuse me, but would you please just shut up? My mother is the kindest woman I know, and you have no right to say anything about her. Please.” It was the first time since Carmen’s death that Daniel had seen his son cry and it was for all the right reasons. And of course it set Perry to bittersweet tears as well.

“Peter?” She spoke again; her voice was raspy. She went to complain about herself again. He put his finger softly to her lips.

“Shhh…it’s alright, Mom.” She felt as if she was a complete burden to her family; an interloper who had no place taking anyone’s stead. If Carmen had been a ghost herself, she would have gladly haunted her replacement with kind words and gratitude; as it was, she merely and happily observed from above and most likely sighed a sigh of deep relief over the love that had re-knit her heartbroken family...

Perry looked up and realized her daydream had taken her away from her present fears to revisit the recent past. What seemed like an eternity had only taken mere seconds in her thoughts. She swallowed nervously before taking a sip of water.

“I’m sorry, but I seem to have lost my train of thought. Oh…yes…Galatians 3.” She took a deep breath, as if she was diving into the deep end of a pool. Exhaling slowly, she continued.

“Neither male nor female. I know this isn’t quite exegetical, and that if I was doing this for Preaching class I’d probably catch it from Dr. Mike.” She looked at Wally who nodded and laughed. Danny laughed as well.

“To all of you, I must offer my sincerest gratitude for the love you have shown me and my family today. Many of you know of my recent surgery, and the deep sadness I have felt over the loss of part of my being. Some here are all too well acquainted with the same pain,” her voice broke as she looked at Cindy McIntyre.

“But to you dearest of dears I'm sorry; I have not displayed the trust and faith in you that many of you have extended to me. I must say, however, that what I am about to tell you requires no apology; I offer no excuses but neither do I offer any words of regret for what I am about to say other than the lateness of my confession. You’ve been open with me and you deserve as much if not so much more.”

She put her head down once again; her shame knew no bounds and while she offered no apology she still felt that her life was something for which to be sorry. Murmurs began softly.

“What is she sorry for?”

“I don’t understand!”

“What?” A smallish older woman in the last row shook her head. Wally’s mother love Perry like her own. She had known almost from the time Perry had told Wally and Cindy of her plans for transition. She shouted, owing more to her own hearing problems than her location at the back of the church. Nevertheless, she was heard.

“Go ahead, baby girl. It’s okay!” Perry began to shake nervously; a slight but noticeable tremor that displayed all of her anxiety and most of her shame.

“Yes, please continue. We love you.” It took all Perry could do to keep from weeping; more out of a sense of feeling unworthy than relief over their acceptance. Danny had seen enough. He stood up and walked calmly to the podium. He grabbed her hand and squeezed.

“No matter what happens today, we will be alright. Nothing can change who you are and how much God and I love you, honey.” That word that gave strength to her each and every time did not fail to bring her courage. She continued.

“I am a woman.” Some women nodded and some men wondered why she stated the obvious. Most of the congregation accepted her statement as part of her treatise of the passage.

“I have been a woman in nearly every way since the day I was born. But I wasn’t blessed with the body to match my heart.” A few gasps seemed to whelm the moment like a tidal wave. Silence followed until she spoke.

“I was born Joseph Perry Attonasio and several years ago I underwent what is known as Gender Recognition Surgery.” More gasps and a “yes” from the back of the church filled the quiet air.

“I am likely to have disappointed more than a few of you, and for that I am truly sorry, since I took so long to tell you about whom and what I am.” She began to shake harder and she dropped her Bible onto the dais. Danny knelt down and picked it up and placed it on the podium.

“I’m so proud of you.” He whispered, and she took that to mean what he said, but a moment later he stepped closer to her and put his arm around her.

“I am so very proud of my wife. She is as dear and precious to me as my Carmen, God rest her soul. I am supremely blessed, and I hope you understand how blessed you are for her love and her friendship; extended over the years to many of you here.” He kissed her on the cheek and squeezed her hand before sitting down in the seat off to the side of the podium. She turned as if to plead for more assistance, but he nodded and smiled.

“You’ve got everything you need right here, honey. Go ahead!” He patted his heart as a gesture. She shook her head ‘no,’ but he smiled and patted his heart once again.

“Christ in ‘You’, dear!” She pouted slightly as he nodded once again.

“Easy for you to say,” she mouthed and he laughed softly as she shrugged before turning back to the congregation; the levity only slightly easing her anxiety. She had quickly put her head down but raised it slowly as she turned, fearing the worst. She was met instead with tearful smiles from nearly everyone in the small church. Agnes Louise McIntyre clasped her hands together over her head in support.

“I…don’t know what to say….” Perry stammered, fearing that she had misinterpreted their expressions. Cindy McIntyre stood and walked up to Perry. She looked straight into her eyes; her expression spoke of a commonality that was both sad and precious at the same time as sisters of a kind.

“Perry? You’ve already said it, and all that’s left to say is Amen and Amen, aye?” A moment later the church was filled with those same words over and over....

---

The church was nearly empty. Agnes walked up to Perry and hugged her tight.

“You keep on doing what you do best, dear! I know you’re a blessing, and I bet I can find a whole lot more like me, aye?” The woman’s occasional Scottish accent came out softly with a sweet if exaggerated burr.

“Thank you, Momma Aggie.” Perry had held it together for as much as she needed, but in the safety of the old woman’s arms she let go; weeping perhaps harder than she had in her life.

“There, there, sweetie…It’s okay...let it out...shhh shhh.” Danny heard the sobs and would have stepped in, but the old woman waved him away as tears fell from her own face.

“Shhhh ….shhhhh….” She repeated in a sing-song to the woman. Perry relaxed in the old woman's arms; finally, in as many ways as she could have dreamed of, Perry realized she was accepted. But most of all, the best part had taken place as well, since for the first time in her life, Perry accepted herself.

---

In matters of faith, we may find from time to time that we differ; some grasp tightly to their beliefs; others bearing their faith with an open palm, allowing for their creator and dear ones to hold their hand. Some have no faith to speak of but that they long for meaning and purpose as we all do. But in this regard we do have a very strong commonality; we all long to be seen and accepted for whom we are. Neither male nor female in a way but female and male nonetheless; no differentiation but acceptance and love.

May we all come to the place at which Perry has finally arrived. Not only was she accepted by her friends, but she finally came to that place where she accepted herself. No more fears or doubts or misplaced guilt or shame. Thanks for reading! Andrea

---

Divine Presence
written and performed by
Iona