I looked for Tim in school today, and I might have seen him, but I was too far away to be sure. I was disappointed, but I still had time.

I noticed Debbie seemed to have issues when I saw her in the school hallways. There weren’t as many of her “admirers” dogging her around, and she seemed distracted. Something was really bugging her.

When we got to Mrs. Andrews house, she asked a question even before we’d said a greeting.

“Mrs. Andrews, we’ve learned a lot about why we need to learn to control our magic, the proper etiquette with magic, and the history of magic. So when do we actually learn how to do magic?”Debbie asked, a bit anxiously.

The Teacher smiled. “Okay, what do you want me to teach you?”

“Well…maybe…uh…” Debbie looked confused.

“You already know how to ‘do magic’, dear. You decide what you want to do, focus and release the energy. The question isn’t ‘how to do it’. As I’ve said before, spells, potions, totems and formulae are all ways to focus your energy, and they are unnecessary.

What you need to learn is energy management. You need to learn how to build your energy efficiently, how to conserve energy to allow for efficient use of your magic, and other things like what you can do when you need more magic, but you’re out of energy.

I teach you history so that you learn why we do what we do, where our families have come from, and how other witches have handled a situation in the past.

Personally, I feel that when I am teaching you why we do what we do, and the way we do it, I’m also teaching you to survive. The people around us believe that we are somehow evil, or a threat to their safety. Some greedy people in the world would covet our abilities, and they would do anything they could to control and exploit those abilities. We have to keep hidden and use our abilities judiciously. That’s what you’ll learn here.”

“Do you really think that we are that much at risk?” I asked. “I mean, there are laws against discrimination, and-“

“I’m sorry, Emily, but those laws are nearly useless. They’re a joke!” Debbie said angrily. “For example, if my Uncle Rich wanted to legally marry his partner in this state, it would not be recognized. Why? ‘Because the Bible defines marriage as between a woman and a man.’ So? The Bible also has instructions for a Father to sell his Daughter into slavery! What happened to the separation of Church and State? Your Civil Rights are subject to interpretation, and that interpretation is for sale.”

“You might be just a little pessimistic, Deb.” I said, smiling to show I wasn't attacking her.

“Emily, I only wish you were right, but the reality is that if our ability was exposed, we’d be in danger. People who are friendly to us now would turn on us in a minute, maybe not all of them, but enough that it would be a serious threat.”

As much as I wanted to say she was wrong, I knew she wasn’t.

“Okay, I surrender. I can’t realistically disagree with you.” I admitted.

Debbie smiled in satisfaction, her blue eyes sparkling with glee.

“All right, girls,” Mrs. Andrews said. “Can we get back to our lessons?”

We spent the rest of our time learning about the religion of our people, not that we had to believe in it. Apparently, it was based in the Wiccan beliefs, but because of our abilities, there had been a theological split, and our family had quietly faded into the background. They’ve maintained this status ever since.

Personally, I’m a Christian, at least until someone can convince me otherwise. It’s just who I am, and I’m not going to apologize for it. Yeah, I know about the evil that has been done by those claiming to be Christians, and yes, t’s a terrible thing. Should I blame all Muslims for 9/11? Do all Mexicans want to be in America? It’s idiotic to believe that, but Lord knows, there are plenty of idiots out there!

And that’s all I’m gonna say ‘bout that.

It would be absolutely wonderful to come home to my whole family, but that thought brought back my memories of the times my father and I had spent together, working on my truck, or fixing things around the house. It’s not that I can’t do the same things with him now. I've had to learn to cope without him because he was gone so often. I'm sure there are those who will disagree with me, but now that I'm female, it just ‘feels’ different. I can’t explain it, but I know how it feels.

Part of the problem is the way Dad treats me. Am I that much different, or are the gender roles so ingrained that he only sees me as weak and fragile? I get the feeling that if he could, he’d hide me away from the world-is it because he wants to protect me, or is he embarrassed by me?

I haven't been a “girly-girl”. Is it my fault the magic made me shorter and pretty? I still drive my truck, and I still do all my own work on it. I think I need to talk to Dad, and soon. I’ve lost so much-did I really have to lose that special relationship with my father, even more? Why can’t he see that I'm still me?

I’ve never worn skirts or high heels before, although I’m thinking Mom would like to “Girlify” me. Who knows? I saw a girl in school with a white turtleneck under a denim shirt (blouse! I know!) and a leather vest, with a brown patterned “broomstick” skirt and some very attractive boots, and I thought to myself that I would look good in something similar. The boots had a 2” heel, and I thought they looked beautiful.

I think I liked that look because it was a bit “tougher” than the usual skirt and blouse. Her huge hoop earrings made the look, I thought, rubbing my ears. I wonder if it’s true that it wouldn’t really hurt to have my ears pierced.

A part of me still wants to be Gabe, to resist being female. Yes, I’m fully aware that it’s stupid. The thing is, that part seems to be losing the battle. I know that I’m changing; I even find that Tim turns me on! It scares me to think that I've changed so much!

I’ve always retreated deep into myself when I’m chewing on a problem. I got home and went straight to my room, closed the door and tried to figure out everything. I brought my laptop on-line and went shopping for clothes. Because I wear a fairly common size, I can usually find the clothes I’m looking for and have them waiting for me at the store when I get there. I figure I can either pick them up tonight or tomorrow, and see if I can surprise Tim tomorrow night.

I think Grandma can sense my unrest, because she comes in to see how I’m doing, and if she can help. I still think she can read my mind, at least part of the time. She smiles, and without saying anything comes over to my bed, sits down and hugs me.

“You seem like you’re working over a serious problem, honey.”

“Grandma, I’m changing some more, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

“Changing how?” She asked.

“I-just-placed-an-order-for-a-skirt kinds of changes. It bothers me that I’m starting to feel comfortable like this. I’m very attracted to a boy, I’m planning to wear a skirt and maybe some heels, and I’m looking forward to it.

Shouldn’t this be harder? It seems that suddenly, it’s all right for me to want to dress up in a skirt. It’s exciting to be going on a date with a boy. I’ve even thought about trading in my old truck for a newer and smaller model! I just don’t know if this is just me coming to terms with my change, or if someone might be pushing me into this somehow.”

“Oh my. I can’t imagine why someone would be pushing you into femininity. Of course, there’s no way to know what’s ‘normal’ in this situation, but perhaps it’s a psychological thing. You associate skirts with girls, and as you relax onto this new life, maybe you are allowing yourself to change, to try to ‘fit in’ with those around you?

It may seem far-fetched, but isn't it more likely than the idea that someone is maliciously manipulating you? That seems a little paranoid to me, Emily, There is always a possibility that you are right, though, and it would be silly to discount the idea on an assumption. Let me ask around. There may be a way to figure out what is actually happening.”

I think Grandma is right. Would anyone do this to me on purpose? Why?