The Usual Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of the characters to any person or God living or dead is coincidental.

 © 2011 All Rights Reserved

"Hey, kiddo, it's me, your Lord God.

I heard that!

You just thought 'No f***ing way!'

Well, way!

I just decided that instead of going through Organized Religion, and the Holy Book stuff, I'd start doing this directly. You're one of the first. At least in your generation. At least in this town, or on this street. Or maybe not.

I have trouble keeping track. I can do a multitude of these at one time. I'm omnipotent, you know?

No, nobody else can hear me. I'm in your head.

You can tell the difference. It doesn't sound the way someone talking to you sounds like does it? It's not air vibrating your eardrums. It sounds like when you think, only you know it's not you. It's me.

No, you're not halucinating.

Just because I'm in your head and nobody else can hear me doesn't mean you're crazy.

I'm in your head, but I'm also outside your head. I'm everywhere.

I know you don't believe me.

Let me demonstrate something. Get the deck of cards out of the junk drawer in the kitchen. Yes, I know that's where you keep them. I'll wait.

Give them a real thorough shuffle. Do it again, really mix 'em up.

Now deal five cards face down in a row.

The first card on the left, that's an ace of hearts. Go ahead, turn it over, just to prove to yourself I'm right.

Ha!

Now the last card on the right, that's the five of hearts. Go ahead.

See!

Bet you'd like to know what the others are. Actually I don't have to bet, I know you would. I'm in your head, remember?

They're the two, three, and four of hearts. You dealt a straight flush.

No, I won't do this when you're playing poker.

I could have made it a Royal Flush, but I didn't want to show off.

I'm kind of disrupting your routine, aren't I? Go get the lottery ticket you bought today out of your jacket pocket. They're almost ready to draw the numbers on the TV, and I know you always watch.

It's time. The numbers they are going to draw are 5-17-62-7-26.

Bummer, not your number. You were hoping this was all leading up to a lottery win; I know you're disappointed.

Why yes, I did tell you the numbers just before they drew them. Yes, I could have told you before you bought the ticket. But, no, I'm not going to. I'm not a get rich quick kind of God.

Your routine. I know you always pour yourself half a glass of Scotch on the rocks after you listen to them pull some other lucky bastard's winning numbers. Go ahead, don't mind me. It's not sacreligious or anything.

So you're beginning to believe me, eh? The idea of your Lord God talking to you is still pretty wierd, but it really does seem to be happening.

You have questions. You had the 'Does God really exist' question, but you seem to be leaning to 'yes' on that one. I can do more demonstrations if you need me to?

Oh, the 'If God is omnipotent, why does he let so many bad things happen?' question. Getting philosophical, are we? Actually that's question number one for most people.

Well, I'm a pretty much hands-off kind of God. There's a big set of rather complex rules. Simple ones like gravity: you trip, you fall down. More complicated ones. A tectonic plate moves, displaces water, creates a tsunami. Archimedes discovered that one in his bathtub.

Scientists are still working on figuring them all out. They keep getting better at it. But they'll never get them all, Like I said, it's complicated.

To make it harder, at the lowest level there is a lot of randomness. Einstein wrote about me, 'I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice.' He was wrong, at least about that.

Yes, I know you weren't just asking about natural disasters. You want to know why people do bad things. That's due to one of the rules that's in the realm of philosophers rather than scientists. People have free will. I don't make people do things. I don't stop them from doing things. Well, hardly ever.

The card trick? Well, I didn't make you deal that straight flush. I did manipulate the cards a bit while you were shuffling to make those five come up on the top of the deck. You had free will the whole time. Why, you didn't have to play at all.

Your routine. After you drink half your Scotch, you go in the bedroom. Go ahead, I'll wait. Well, actually, I'll go with you. I'm in your head, remember?

Now you undress. Nice panties! I'm just kidding, I knew they were there all the time.

Now you decide what to wear. Free will, remember?

Maybe just a casual look for an evening in. The flared denim skirt is cute and comfortable. The deep pink tee looks pretty with it, especially with the molded tee shirt bra and forms under it.

You're lonely, I know. You'd like to find a girlfriend, and maybe invite her in. But you'd have to make sure things were hidden, the clothes, the makeup, the wig. It would be really awkward to explain; so embarasing. And all your body hair is shaved; you'd have to explain that, how? So it seems easier just not to risk it.

Hey, hey, hey! You're crying! I know, the other questions weren't the big one for you. They were just the ones that were easy to ask.

'Why did you make me like this? Why did you make me in this body? Why do I have to suffer? Why? Why? Why!?'

Slow down; get a grip!

I didn't make you the way you are. That makes it sound like I took some personal interest in you. No offence, but I didn't. It also makes it sound like I had it in for you. I didn't, and I don't.

And by the way, I don't make kids with heart defects, cleft paletes, Cystic Fibrosis, or any other of the multitude of problems that can afflict them.

Like I said, there's a lot of complex rules for how things work. I'm not shirking responsibility; I made the rules. They include things like genetics and biochemistry. I know you've heard the phrase 'It's not rocket science.' Well, no disrespect to rocket scientists, but this stuff is way more complicated.

There are so many ways that people can turn out. Everyone is different in large and small ways. You know what they say, 'You're unique, just like everybody else!' I'd L-O-L, but instead I'll just chuckle here in your head.

So most people look more or less male or female, and know that they are male or female, and prefer partners of the 'opposite sex' and figure that's 'normal' and 'right'. So what do they know? They're missing all the shades of grey. They're overlooking all the variability in the human condition.

You're one of those variations that they overlook, one of the shades of grey. You look pretty much male, but you know you're female. You would prefer a partner who was female, and we won't get into whether that's the same or opposite sex, it doesn't matter, really. Not to me.

Why don't I help you? You think I haven't?

Remember the hotel room in San Francisco? Of course you do. You had the bottles of sleeping pills and anti-depressants you'd saved up. You bought a fifth of good single-malt Scotch; might as well make the last one the best you could afford. You sat in the frayed overstuffed wing chair and listened to Joan Jett while you washed down each pill with a sip of scotch on the rocks.

You woke up the next day on the rug in puddles of your piss and vomit with the worst hangover you could never imagine. It was neither heaven nor hell, it was still the Castro district.

I know you've often wondered why you fell asleep before you took enough to kill you. Don't thank me; I don't expect it.

I know this has been hard on you. It's a lot to process at one time. Get some sleep now."