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Lead Shoes-5
Chapter 5
I woke up in the morning and it was a good morning for me. My soreness was just sort of general stuff the usual stuff and I’m not sure if it was having someone to hold me all night. And the smell. It’s that smell women only have, that maybe I’ll have one day when the boy hormones are getting out of me and the hormones I need are making me right.
I feel really good inside where it counts despite the stuff that’s my usual. I wake and she’s not far behind me and I get an in bed hug and squeeze. The first in god, really I don’t know how long. “Morning?” she says.
“Good morning.” It comes out actually happy sounding.
“Massage?”
“No, I’m good I think.” I slide out of bed, not too bad feeling and I walk, well it’s more like sort of tip toeing as my feet are like the furthest thing from being flat but I’m not really using my walker to walk so much as a just in case to my room.
I get into my bathroom and crank my tunes and I get cleaned up and trying to get into my routine. I’m still scrubbing the guy off of me. I know that I’m not one of those guys that worked like a real job and got all muscled and rough but there’s still so much boy there and yeah every shower I’m scrubbing off dead skin and I’m lotioning myself up and even sealing all that in with baby oil. I want to be as soft and smooth as I can be. I know the hormones will help with that too but I just want too, need to it’s like I’m catching up and stuff.
Powder and girls deodorants too, just a bit of perfume I’m a little afraid of what’s too much but if you can dress and smell like a girl, the girl you are inside then it helps. It helps so much really.
Another sweet little thing of you’re like me. I’m taking vitamins a women’s multi-vitamin but while they’re not hormones and don’t do stuff like that but it sort of feels like a big step in the right direction. I’m also taking some vitamin D and E tablets too.
And soy, I’m no fan of tofu or maybe I’ve never had it right but I drink this stuff called So-Good and we have lots of it in the house. I think Aunt Holly knows a guy who knows a guy? The vanilla is better than the chocolate by the way; the way they mix it just isn’t chocolate milk. Still like Aunt Holly says, the price was right.
I get my ankle boots on and I switch to my arm canes and head out to the living room and kitchen. Aunt Holly’s up and there’s just something about her that I’d love to be like. It’s that casual female thing that makes all girls and women beautiful. It’s that she’s just in a long t-shirt and her panties and her hair’s messy and she’s in her bare feet and no bra and she’s got that breast and butt shift and sway as she moves and fights with her hair until she pulls a scrunchie off her wrist and pops it a hasty ponytail. There is something just so right in her just unconsciously being just her that’s actually lovely.
I want that too, just the ease at being myself and not HAVE to think about it. It’s the have to think and obsess over feeling like this that really wears on you the most. Getting to be me the way I even am right now is a huge bonus for me and takes off so much pressure.
Aunt Holly is infinitely better after her first cup of coffee in the morning and I’ve never seen anyone make coffee the way that she does. She grinds the beans and then she puts them in a glazed looking African like teapot and adds boiling water to them and she’ll pour it with the grounds and all. It’s really strong but we don’t buy coffee filters and there’s spicy food too even for breakfast sometimes. I mean I can eat what I want but there’s sometimes where what she makes is just so different I’ll try it even if I don’t like it.
This morning it’s scrambled eggs and granola I like both and aunt Holly has this Indian red chili jelly stuff squirted over hers and I’ve tried that seracha stuff before too spicy for me yet Nan’s idea of spicy was black pepper, we didn’t really have garlic in the house. That was “Eye-Tal-yin” foolishness.
I suppose out of prison foods though. She’s mentioned it before a bit. People think they get great meals and stuff but they don’t. Breakfast was cornflakes, oatmeal or cream of wheat once every two weeks bacon and eggs and hash-browns. The eggs she said were out of a bucket and liquid but mixed with army styled powered eggs.
It sounds like it really wasn’t fun.
We get breakfast done and the dishes in the dishwasher but don’t turn it on; we only use it when it’s full. Then it’s getting the rest of my stuff done in my room like the books and my games and computer and DVD’s and stuff all those little things and finally get it done.
I don’t just like my room, I Love my room.
She’s sitting on my bed and smiling. “Not too shabby.”
“No I love it.”
“Good, well c’mon Kayla we’ve got some stuff to do and your appointments.”
“Okay, am I good the way I am or should I change?”
“You should change I’ve got some stuff planned that might help get into some sports gear.”
“Okay…”
I get cleaned up and into a nice pair of yoga pants and a soft yellow tee-shirt and we head out in the van. We go to the mall first? And we end up getting me a bathing suit a one piece the works with me tucked away and taped….that was an adventure.
“Why do I need a bathing suit?”
“It’s so you can go swimming.”
“I don’t know how to swim.”
“That’s okay; they’ll teach you at the Y.”
“The Y? Won’t I be liked clocked or checked out and found out or something?” I’m chewing my lower lip nervously.
“I checked on that and the local YWCA has a transgendered swim time actually as part of their policy and I was told by your doctors that it might be good for you even if you’re just paddling around on a float board.”
“Oh…are you going to be there?”
“Of course I am Kayla I’m not going to just dump you off someplace for other people to handle. Besides, I haven’t been swimming since I was your age anyway.”
“You haven’t?”
“No, sometimes you just lose the time to do just even stuff like that when you get older and I’ve not one for swimming in these parts of the lakes so it’s something I just lost.”
“What else haven’t you got to do?”
“Oh honey there’s tones of stuff and maybe we can do a lot of these things together.”
“I’d like that; I was pretty much a shut in.”
“Hostage more like it.” She makes a face.
We got to the hospital for my physio and my other appointments and Will’s there again. Oh…gosh he smiled at me as soon as he seen me. I’m not one who can really judge this stuff yet but he’s cute. But he’s smiling at me and that’s all kinds of awesome. I’m on my arm-canes today but in my head the girly me that can walk and dance and just is normal well she’s doing a happy dance in the back of my brain.
I even get brave enough to take the seat beside him. “Hey Will.”
“Hey Kayla, I was wondering how things were going with you?”
“Good, not doing too bad today.”
“You get a lot of bad days?”
“Sometimes, I really shouldn’t complain there’s a lot worse off than me.”
“That’s true, so what have you been doing.”
I fill him in on the stuff we’ve been doing for my room and how cool it is and everything and he actually listens and there was even like twice him phone buzzed/vibrated and he ignored it and kept talking to me all the way until it was his turn to go and do stuff he had to do for his arm.
Will’s sixteen, and he’s kind of a skater but he likes the bmx stuff too and he’s a bit of a metal head and stuff he knew bands that I’ve either barely or never heard of and stuff and he it’s weird he’s into books but not into the video games that much or movies and stuff and he was as bad with movies as I was with his heavy metal bands and stuff.
He does a lot of stuff he even play guitar.
Sigh.
Okay he might be cute.
Physio was good and so was the appointment with my therapist and we did a whole hour together and it was mostly catch up but a lot of stuff about my transition, my headspace living as the real me.
It was phrased as living as a girl and I think I passed some kind of test and stuff because I said. “I’m not living as a girl, I’ve always been a girl it’s just I’m being allowed to be myself without being made fun of or being told I’m sick the way I am because God knew I was a pervert.”
“Your Grandmother said those things to you?”
“To me and to anyone that’d listen because I was such a burden being the way that I was and trying to cope with my father and his drug problem.”
“You resent her for that?”
“A little it’s hard not to. But she was also a product of her generation and even the way a lot of churches looked at things. Plus it just seems back home they were a lot less tolerant than they preached they were.”
We talked for awhile and yeah there’s a few times where I lose it and get really angry at life in general. I know I can’t change having this but I’ve never actually had someone say that it’s alright for me to yell and scream and cuss and swear and have… have a fit without being yelled at to suck it up or to shut the hell up.
Turns out according to my therapist that it’s actually healthy for me to feel that way and that bottling these issues up really isn’t healthy. I couldn’t help it but that was such a no duh moment that I had a semi hysterical giggle fit too. Apparently that’s also normal after you have an emotional purge.
I feel all wrung out and loose after getting out of there and I’m in the hall sitting in the really nice chairs while Aunt Holly is in talking with them and Will comes up the hall and he’s got a tray from the Tim’s (Tim Horton’s) in the lobby. He comes over and sits beside me. “Hey.”
“Uhm Hi…again are you here to see a…” I wave my hand at the office. I kind of just clued in that it’s not really any of mu business if he’s seeing a therapist or not.
“Nope but I saw you here last time and I thought that this would be a really good time to bring you a coffee and a brownie.”
“Oh… thanks!” that was surprise and happy together it’s kind of cool of him to do that.
“I had an ulterior motive.”
“Huh?”
“Well bring a pretty girl a coffee and something sweet after she’s been through some stuff is a really good way to flirt with her.”
OMG holey crap…. A boy is flirting with me.
(More mental happy dancing.)
…………….. he said I was pretty?
Oh…
“Uhm…”
“I know it’s sneaky and underhanded but I really wanted to have a shot at going out with you and the other guys get to see the new babe.”
“Uhm.” C’mon dammit brain work! Work!
There’s a bunch of mini versions of girl me in my head like on the bridge of the Enterprise (Star Trek reference.) one of them’s yelling. “We’re hit his cuteness is too powerful, we canna take it the brain’s offline Captain!”
He’s looking at me and did I mention he’s cute?
With tractor beam lips.
I didn’t know I was doing it or going to do it and I’m not sure if will had any idea that I was going to do it either but the pull just happened it just happened and…and…
I leaned over and I kissed him.
It wasn’t long or gross but it was a kiss just a really good kiss and It was my very first kiss and it reset something in my head because I can think and…okay Will looks a little stunned and off his game. I break it and smile then pass my coffee to my Aunt who just came out of the office and she’s staring a little but her eyes are dancing. I get up and ready my braces and say.
“Thank you, the coffee and the brownie was really sweet of you. I’ll see you around Will.”
I leave with her and we’re walking and once we get into the elevator we burst out laughing and into a fit of giggles right after.
“That’s my girl; you handled that like a pro.”
“Oh god I had no idea what I was doing and he was flirting with me and saying that I’m pretty…”
“Mikayla, you might not be stunning or curvy yet but you’re definitely pretty.”
“Really?”
“Yes really, I wouldn’t lie to you.”
I stare at her and we lock eyes and she’s really serious, and really honest….just someone being straight with me is so good. People lie to you all the time to “Protect” you when you’re disabled.
“I didn’t know I was kissing him until I was kissing him.”
“Well it was a nice kiss and he was being sweet and you handled that really well for your first time.”
“I had no idea if any of that was right.”
“Neither do any of us Kayla, heck still don’t sometimes.”
“I was afraid that I might have screwed it up because I was born like this…”
“You handled it just like the girl you are honey.”
“Really?”
“Really, some guys are a lot alike but they’re also all different. Some of us might not show it but trust me my girly brain is just as messy and crosswired as yours is.”
“Really?”
She bursts out laughing and hugs me. “Yes really it’s your body that needs fixed not your brain girl.”
I hug her back and we end up back in the van and heading to the YWCA for my first thing of swimming and I’m holding my coffee and my brownie and bouncing in the seat the whole way.
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Comments
Awww!
That's a sweet first kiss.
Yeah I thought so too.
and kind of nice to see her have it sort of on her own terms.
Thanks for reading and everything Lexa.
I really appreciate it.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
So Sweet!
I'm having a hard time imagining Kayla as attractive. I'll be the first to admit that my prejudices affect my thinking-and yeah, I know it's wrong, and I AM working on it. Hopefully it's like other things-admitting there is a problem is the first step to eliminating the problem. Okay?
I don't know what her condition really does to her body. I know there is a lot of serious, debilitating pain, but besides walking on her toes, does she look normal? I'm just trying to get an image in my mind.
I love the way that Holly supports Kayla. She's a great Mom for Kayla, and I know that this period of wonderful love and acceptance is eventually going to be threatened in some way. I also believe that Kayla will prove to be the strong one, protecting Holly (probably from their own family!).
This is such a sweet and loving story of overcoming the past and pushing the barriers to find the real person inside. Kayla and Holly have my support!
I'm gonna create black hole hugs that just PULL you in!
Love you both!
Wren
Hi Wren, since you asked
Hi Wren, since you were brave enough to ask the question I will try to answer as best as I can for you and everyone else who didn't ask but probobly wants to know. It's kind of hard to describe what the gait (the way they stand and walk) of a person a spastic CP looks like, but I'll give it a shot.
Basically I'll describe myself starting from the feet up. Kayla is a little bit different from me, but this should give you a basic idea. Many of the tendons in my legs like the Achilles tendon in the heal and hamstrings in the leg never grew to full length. This is very common in CP. So I can not put my feet flat on the floor. That is why many people with CP walk on their toes. Basically my feet are pulled up as if I were in heels when when I'm not. My feet also turn in slightly the way a baby walks. Braces over the years have lessened that to the point most people don't notice that part anymore, but I see it in me every day. My legs also bend at the knees when I walk. In my case it's about an 80 degree bend at my knees. That's because of the hamstring length. Moving up from the legs, I have lower gross muscle control in my trunk muscles (around the hips). This means I can't use the same muscle movements other people do to walk. So I use hip movements to shift each foot forward. Because of the way my feet fall to the ground quite hard with the exaggerated muscle movements, there is a very distinctive "horse clomp" to my walk. You never forget that sound once you know what it is. I can hear someone coming with spastic CP long before I spot them most of the time..
Here is a good video of an adorable little girl with similar CP walking:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ0VEAfrhNY&feature=related
Towards the end of the clip there is a good side shot as she walks by, and you can see how her feet land as she steps and how her legs bend. You might also notice that her hip movements get more extreme there at the end. That's a sure sigh she was getting tired. At that age I would have had to be carried back after a stroll like that, but I also flatly refused crutches until I was 17.
Kayla's feet probobly turn in more and her legs probobly bend more then this little girls do. She was never encouraged to play and really use her legs between therapy sessions like I was and I'm sure the angel in the video was.
The random tiredness and spurts of energy depending on the day have already been touched on in the story. The shakiness of her hands have been explained as well. Any other effects that Kayla has to deal with I will leave to Bailey to explain in the story. CP is a major umbrella term that has a lot of different effects it can have on different people. I would guess her handwriting is absolutely awful, and she likely has random muscle spasms called clonus. There are days I can thread a needle no problem, an there are days that the act of grabbing a bottle of lotion off my vanity has me knocking everything within arms reach onto the floor. It's actually the randomness of it that is the most frustrating.
This is so what I wanted out of this story. (Teary smiles.)
I Love that we're getting to talk about this and learning a seeing stuff. God Gwendolyn that video was perfect. Kayla is a bit more worse off than her like you said. She's sort of got the reverse duck feet effect going on and her knees do bend in.
The way she's at in her state and condition is one of the things she's going to vent about in therapy. I'm so glad I'm getting things close with this about some of the other things she has to go through.
Thanks for telling your part of this story Gwendolyn.
I really, really and so glad you're commenting honestly your voice in the comments adds so much to the experience.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
We both love the hugs Wren.
I'll leave the technical elements to Gwendolyn's comment to you. But Kayla is actually pretty thin. I know there's a weight gain tendency in a chair and other things but with the meds and the pain she's lived with you really don't feel like eating a whole lot. That and Nan wasn't a great cook, decent but very bland. She is out of shape compare to some other kids in her position who had better support.
Mikayla is a skinny sixteen year old, sandy blonde straight hair and soft brown eyes. her shoulders are a bit on the strong side but that's pretty normal and no curves whatsoever. Dressed and made up she is pretty. Like Avril Levegne a bit without the media makeover. Not quite as tiny though.
When she smiles though she has a great smile.
I'm glad that you really like this though Wren:)
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Kayla as attractive
My first girlfriend had CP, and she was very attractive, at least I thought so. She had the face of an angel, and when she smiled it lit up the room like no ones I have seen.
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Lovely Story, Bailey
I really like how you're handling her situation. Wait until she finds out how much of a girl she'll be.
Portia
Portia
Thanks so much Portia:)
I got really lucky to have been able to write for this.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
This story continues to be
This story continues to be magic Bailey. I love reading about Kayla growing into herself. She is such a strong and sweet girl. She just doesn't quite realize it yet.
Just don't let her hear it phrased like that. At her age, what I thought of as ridiculous little kid praise and the "good try" awards for little things everyone else can do was a real quick way to get me super mad. I just wanted to figure out how to do them and move on.
The comment about being "protected" is so on the mark. I was so lucky to have a mom who treated me the way Holly treats Kayla, assumed I could do it until I couldn't and gave me straight answers about whats going on. I have an aunt who I was pretty much perpetually cheesed off at growing up because of the way she wanted to "help".
One last thing. Holly should start insisting Kayla come in with her when she is given progress reports. Nothing is discussed that Kayla shouldn't already know or at least suspect, and it would go a long way to her feeling like she is growing up and part of the decision making process and not a helpless kid who the adults need to always protect. Even if she doesn't say anything, being trusted enough to listen would go a long way towards her feeling more independent. An if you're thinking it, yes some professionals do HATE this idea for different reasons. :-D
Thanks so much Gwendolyn:)
I'm so glad that I'm getting on the right side of things with this. I know what you mean about Holly should be insisting to have Kayla with her on what's going on but it's not so much Holly being told about Kayla's progress as them checking up on Holly and how she's coping.
Still though that'll be a big trust thing if Kayla gets to hear that stuff too. I'll have to think on that whole thing.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I can't believe I missed
I can't believe I missed chapter 4! D'oh! All caught up now though. :-)
After the pillow scene last chapter it was great to see Kayla have an 'awwwwwwww' moment. Little by little this girl is starting to live life. :-)
Thank you for another (two) chapter(s).
"Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I stole the pillow scene:)
A friend of mine did that with one of her kids. She has dislexia and gets frustrated but hates letting it out because she thinks losing her temper while frustrated makes her look dumb. I think part of any good parents job is to get kids to where they aren't all bottled up or afraid to tell us what's going on. If they can actually trust us as parents then you'd have some pretty amazing kids. It's part of loving them, why is that so hard huh?
Sorry Jemima, got a little ranty there.
*Great big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I actually know that one
I actually know that one quite well as dyslexia runs heavily in my family. It missed me but got my sister and although she was lucky enough to get diagnosed at school and belatedly helped there were times I could really see that pent up frustration in her, that fear of looking stupid. I'm lucky enough to be very close to her but as teenagers there were times I could see that rage seeking an outlet. It didn't help that I was an honour student and an athlete and I know it bothered her how effortlessly it all seemed to come to me. I wish I'd known about that pillow trick then because we'd have beaten the stuffing out of more than one.
So rant all you want Bailey.
*hugs*
"Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life."
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
okay, you're paying for my tissues
cause that was so sweet it made me cry, but in the good way, you know?
Dorothycolleen, member of Bailey's Angels
Thank you Dorothy:)
I'm really glad that you read this and that it's still moving people.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
nice one
I loved the Star Trek bit. you just can't beat a good trek bit.
good chapter, thanks
Thanks Lonewolf:)
I thought that was rather geeky-cute and stuff. There are some people with "Tractor beam lips" out there.
*Hugs and Howls.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Thank you Bailey,
ALISON
I am just so glad that Ragtime Rachael inspired you to write this story,you have done a
really great job of it,with incredible warmth and empathy for those who are not as fortunate
as we are.I salute you!
ALISON
I'm glad she did too...
But I haven't seen her here that much lately so i'm hope she's alright but RL troubles are vastly different than any of ours.
Thanks so much Alison:)
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
You did it again, that makes
You did it again, that makes Four or Five of your stories you got me with, I finally had time to finish reading this, Glad she didn't wake up in all that pain this time, I know with whats wrong with her that not everyday is going to be like this one, but I hope she gets a lot more !
*hugs* Thank you Bailey :)
Robinverse
Have a mew of a day!
=^.^=
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Have a mew of a day!
Thank you so much DarkKitty:)
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this and like the stories so much. Time...ahhh, I really do seem to need more time. I've gotta move to the Snakes and Ladders planet Silvania, they have a 36 hour day.
*Love and Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
My boy friends
brain is cross wired too but he still doesn't know it. He is a tough one to figure out though. Is he a man or is he a woman I often times wonder!?
Anyway, I really love this story as it deals more with reality than many of the other stories that I have read do.
A tortured soul finally getting a little help, lot of help really but still finally she is being helped along with by a relative who understands. What a rarity!
To kiss a boy for the first time, sigh! Memories lol!
Some of us might not show it but trust me my girly brain is just as messy and crosswired as yours is.â€
Thanks Vivien:)
As always I'm so glad that you liked this story and that people are still reading this story as well:)
As Long as you love your BF then everything's awesome:)
*Big Hugs Chere.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers