Chapter Seventy-One

My one week off turned into nearly two spent at home. I didn't complain, as I knew that it was the right thing to do. Jenny and Mom agreed that I would not rush my return to school. Maybe if I had taken more time off after the initial assault I wouldn't have had my collapse in the first place. Hindsight is a perfect science. I can tolerate physical injury, but the mental aspect of this latest setback really frightened me. I also felt guilty, as I thought that I was weak, and that I let everyone, including myself, down.

Jenny was quick to attack those ideas. One afternoon she sat down with me and told me about many people, including historic figures, who'd had similar problems and that they overcame them. Still, it would be a long time until I fully accepted and understood what had happened, but at least now I was aware that I had limits and that I wasn't the first to suffer.

As we talked about what had happened she was able to point out the warning signals that my body had been telling me. My fatigue and sleep problems were my body trying to warn me to take it slower. I'd also ignored the fact that I was having more frequent nightmares. I learned that I was human.

"How was I able to do so well on the stand those two days? I felt so strong, so confidant; it doesn't make sense. If was going to 'lose it,' why didn't it happen then?" I vented.

"I think that you forced yourself through the testimony. And as for you feeling so strong then, have you ever noticed that a light bulb burns brightest just before it burns out? I think that's a good analogy to describe what happened to you," replied Jenny.

I was also worried that this incident would have a negative effect on my transition. Jenny reassured me that it wouldn't. She told me that I just needed to be aware of stress in my life, regardless of the cause.

Now, I don't want you to think that I was cloistered at home alone. I had my homework assignments so I wouldn't lose too much ground in my classes. Cat and Laura stopped by every day and kept me up-to-date on school and life in general. They also served to ease my fears about how I was viewed at school. I also stayed in touch with others by e- mail.

I also went for gentle runs by myself and sometimes with Jenny. There were also long walks with Mom. Although my "track career" was put on hold, I still wanted to stay in shape.

I also took a lot of photos of the birds at our feeder. I figured I could use them in portfolio for photography class. I was amazed at the number of different species that dropped by for a meal. Some were great shots of the squirrels that raided our feeder. True, they're pests, but they're also entertaining to watch.

It seemed pointless to try to keep the reason for my absence secret. After talking with Mom and I, Jenny went in and talked to Mrs. Lee and the staff and told them the details of my condition. Mrs. Lee suggested that they take it one step further, and she had Jenny speak to the senior class. Jenny stood forth and explained what had happened and answered questions. Cat said it was very compelling.

Mrs. Lincoln stopped by and told me that my job was waiting for me the moment I was ready to return. She also told me the full story of what had happened the night I had my problems.

Mel had gone to the back room to check on my work and to see if I wanted some tea. When she couldn't find me, she looked into the hallway and saw me on the ground. She called to Cindy while she ran to me, stopping only to beat on the door to the leather shop. I was on the ground with my arms wrapped around my knees, just slowly rocking back and forth and was totally unresponsive. Cliff helped her to get me to lie down. They didn't see any physical injuries, so they ruled out an attack. I apparently didn't respond to anything they did or said. Luckily, the EMTs arrived quickly and transported me to the hospital.

"I guess that I scared them pretty badly," I stated.

"Well, the important thing is for you to get well completely this time. You are not to come back until I hear that Dr. McCall approves it," she said frankly. "Dear, I am far more concerned for your well- being than I am about whether or not you ever work for me again. But when you are ready, I want you back."

"Thank you so much. I promise to listen to them this time."

Ms. B came by a few times. I cannot put down in words how much she has helped me this past year. I was worried that all the publicity about my case would affect the scholarship program.

"You don't have to worry about that. Yes, we have had some negative comments but those have been outnumbered by those who support both you and the competition. It will take something far worse to end this program."

Another visitor was Sam Warren. He came by late in the afternoon near the end of my first week of recovery, and he brought me flowers. I guess that he felt partially responsible for what had happened to me. We sat down together at the kitchen table. I was drinking tea while Sam had a mug of coffee.
I took a sip of my tea. "I would have been in far worse shape if you hadn't convicted him. The person responsible for my problems is sitting in jail right now. I've learned that this past week."

"You don't have to speak during the sentencing if you're not up to it."

"It isn't for a few weeks, so I should be okay by then. Besides, that is something that I have to do."

"I see. Well, if Jenny and your mom say it's okay, then I'll let you do it. For now, just focus on your recovery."

"I suppose that Jason and his lawyer know what happened." I felt rage that my collapse would bring joy to Jason.

"Yes, they know. Martin said that it was 'too bad' and asked me if you were going to make a full recovery." He took a sip of his coffee.

"Well, it's even more important that I show up now, just so they don't get any satisfaction out of my pain."

"I'll be in contact with you and your mom. Take care."

I watched as Mom walked him out to the front door. They talked for several minutes before I heard him leave.

"So, have I won the bet yet?" I asked with a big grin on my face.

"No, not yet," she said with a smile.

"I'm sure he'll ask you within a week after the sentencing!" I exclaimed.

Mom just smiled.

Chapter Seventy-Two

By Wednesday of the second week I had been given permission to go back to school. I'd asked Cat and Laura to tell the class that my return was to be low key. They promised that they would do their best.

Late February wasn't a pretty time in Golden Hill. It was cold, gray, and dreary outside. The temperature was hovering around freezing, with threatening skies. Even Cat and Laura were tired of the snow and the cold. But to me it was a perfect day. I was happy to return to school. There was also some fear too, but I knew I was ready. I felt refreshed in both body and mind for the first time in months.

I was wearing a light gray skirt and red sweater and my favorite pair of black leather boots. As I applied my makeup, I could see how the scar above my right eye was slowly fading. My nose still had its little curve. I decided that for now I didn't want any plastic surgery. They reminded me of what had happened and my need to take it easy.

Cat and Laura were driving me to school, so I invited them over for breakfast. It wasn't fancy, just bagels with cream cheese, juice, and coffee or tea.

I also decided to wear my new jacket to school. Granted, it didn't really match my outfit, but sometimes coordinating an outfit isn't all that important. Cat had told me that it was a gift from the senior class. By wearing it, I'd be showing them all how much they have meant to me.

As we got ready to leave the house, Laura gave me a nice long kiss. She said it was for luck. I still was getting tingles each time she kissed me.

We arrived at school and I took a deep breath and walked in. It really felt good to be back in school. Part of me had initially thought that I might not make it back here. Friends and faculty members greeted me as I walked down the hall. Everything was subdued and low key, which suited me fine.

However, that quickly changed when Kristen saw me. She ran down the hall and hugged me. That sort of broke the ice and I was soon mobbed. I barely made it to homeroom on time. The last thing I needed was to be tardy on my first day back.

Mr. Grant didn't even bother to try to run a normal homeroom. He let my arrival take over. Paul came over and wrapped his arms around me. He said that we all needed to get together soon. I missed him a lot, but was very happy that he was still seeing Caroline. It was a very emotional return.

The rest of the day was equally emotional. In each class, my friends greeted me. I gradually got back into the swing of things. There were a few interesting discoveries. In my child development class I found that the "pregnant for a day" part of the class was in full swing. I had to admit the sight of Denise eight-months pregnant wouldn't be one that I'd soon forget. My turn was scheduled in two weeks. Cat said that it would be funny if I had to wear it the day of the sentencing.

I also discovered that during my absence the competition had narrowed down to seven contestants. Caroline called us the "Magnificent Seven". The other remaining contestants were Ann, Debbie, Lisa, Claire, and of course Denise. I wondered what the plan was if we all made it to the end of the year.

"I know, we could have mud wrestling," quipped Denise. "We could sell tickets and the losers would get a share of the profits!"

"Don't forget about pay-per-view on cable. That should bring in some bucks," added Caroline.

"How about the action figures and t-shirts?" I suggested.

The rest of the contestants didn't get it and thought we were nuts.

I also talked to Mr. Kline and told him that I really wanted to give the lecture on my experiences. He thought it was a great idea. We talked about it after class.

"I've talked to Mrs. Lee about rescheduling classes for your lecture. I think it would be better if you only did this once and we could get all my classes in the auditorium at once. That way you won't have to answer the same questions over and over. What do you think?"

"I like it. I worked a little on my notes during my leave of absence."

He smiled and nodded, "Whenever you want to talk about it, just come on by."

I also stopped by after school to see Coach Chambers. I told her that I would be forced to bypass the track season.

"I understand that you won't be able to compete, but I still want you on the team," Coach Chambers explained.

"Doing what?'

"I need assistants. Unlike cross-country, track has a lot of things going on and I can't be everywhere at the same time. I have two assistant coaches, but we all need extra help. You would be recording times and other data, helping us coordinate events, etc. Trust me, Erika, this isn't a pity position. I really need help, especially in recording the data!"

"I'll think about it and talk to my mom."

"Good, I hope that you can do it, even part-time would be great. Anyway, good to have you back. By the way, that jacket looks good on you!"

I looked down at my letter and embroidered name on the coat and smiled. "Thanks, it means a lot to me too!"

Chapter Seventy-Three

Anyway, the week went pretty well. I got back into the swing of school and I also felt more and more normal. I wasn't fatigued or excessively tired anymore. I also looked better. I knew that I'd be dealing with the effects of the attack for a long time and this long-term recovery was in direct conflict with my "jump in and get the problem solved immediately" mentality. I think that the possibility of a relapse scared me enough to listen to those around me.

There is something I've wanted to talk about. I guess I've given the impression that everything was wonderful at Central High. That's really wasn't true. We had our problems like most schools. There were jerks, stoners, cliques, and all the other elements of a typical high school class. There were the occasional fights and the drug and alcohol problems. And we had got our fair share of teachers who were jerks too.

However, one thing that Central had that was lacking at many other schools was acceptance. Yes, it started with the contestants, but these attitude spread out to other groups. Golden Hill had been predominantly white. This was as much due to its location as its job market. But the addition of the computer company and a few other businesses there had brought an increase in minorities and immigrants. We were far from being a really diverse society, but it was becoming more mixed. These new students were accepted into the school with few problems. Most conflicts were individual in nature and not over race. No, it wasn't a utopia, and there were still those who judged the group and not the individual, but it was better than most schools.

I looked at my upcoming schedule. The biggest thing that I was facing was the sentencing hearing. Jenny agreed that I could speak and give my victim impact statement, but she also said that she'd be monitoring me. Sam had given me an outline of what I could and couldn't say. I had a week to prepare. I had put some ideas down on paper and ran them by a few people in the group. Dana thought I was being too conservative and too nice. Afterwards, Karen told me that I could either use it as an opportunity for closure or it could become a rant that would build up more hate and rage. I wanted Jason to know the pain he had caused, not just for me, but for my family and my friends. But I also liked the idea of using it as a statement of closure.

Mom refused to let me go back to work until after Jason was sentenced. She reluctantly approved my assisting Coach Chambers. I could now see more of the effects of the assault on Mom. She had been wonderful to me, and I know that she had been sharing the pain and stress that I had. I was even more determined to win the scholarship now, just so she wouldn't have to worry about my future.

I was anxious to start my transition. Jenny had also begun to counsel me on this issue. Looking back, I was able to see how successfully I had repressed my true feelings before we came to Golden Hill. I had forced any feelings of questioning my gender away. Even now, I can't believe that I didn't pick up on them. I mean I wasn't exactly held over hot coals before I agreed to enter the competition back when school started!

There were a few incidents in my past that made a lot more sense now. I dated back in San Diego, but I'd never seemed to make it last more that one or two dates. I usually ended up being good friends with the girls, but nothing romantic, much like my friendship with Cat.

I'd also tried to do masculine, manly things to show everyone that I was a real guy. I ended up doing a lot of things that I really hated. No one openly questioned that I wasn't a real guy; at least, that is what I'd thought. The one sport I'd loved participating in was running, which was gender neutral.

During my recovery, I got a letter from an old friend from my school back in San Diego. Her name is Gwen, and she was one of the girls that I tried to date and ended up as just being a good friend. By chance, she had read an article online about the trial. Even though my name wasn't mentioned, there were enough clues in the article for her to put two and two together.

Gwen thought it was great that I had finally come out and said that she'd always suspected that I might be gay, but the fact that I was transsexual made even more sense. We began to correspond online. I found out from her that many of my friends had thought that I was gay or something different. She told me that she hadn't told anyone else and that she wouldn't unless I said it was okay.

It was slightly shocking to suddenly be told the truth. It was also a bit disturbing to know that others knew I was different before I even thought about it. I sent some pictures and told her she could tell anyone she trusted. I explained that I wasn't out to shock the world or anything. She promised to be careful.

Jenny felt confident that I was making the right decision, but she wanted me to see a specialist before I could start hormones and begin the legal proceedings. She told me that she had written a report on me and two other contestants and had sent it to Dr. Lawrence Wright. He was an expert on transgender issues and transsexuals, and I would need his approval before starting hormones. Jenny explained that he would be coming to town for a short time to evaluate us.

I knew that Caroline was going to transition, but I wondered who the third person was. I also knew that Jenny wouldn't tell me so I didn't even bother asking. I ran the remaining candidates through my and tried to figure out who it was.

Chapter Seventy-Four

The following week we had our meeting of the remaining contestants. We were still the Magnificent Seven. I watched in amused silence as Ann struggled into the room. It was her day to be pregnant! I wouldn't have thought that she'd still be in the contest. She'd told us that she had paid off her debt. Maybe it was just her sense of competition that kept her in.

She plopped down next to me and let out a big sigh of relief. "This really sucks!" she said to no one in particular. Her astute comment was followed by laughs

I was the only remaining contestant who still had to wear it. I caught a lot of grief about that and how bad it would be. The only one who'd seemed to enjoy wearing it was Denise. In fact, she told us that the whole band was going to make their own "tummies" as part of their performance. She got a lot of blank stares and shaking heads from most of the group. I thought it was funny. Denise was just having fun, and part of her fun was fooling people. Most students and staff had no idea when she was joking or serious. She liked to keep people confused, and I think that I was one of the few in school who got the joke. To Denise, this contest was just a chance to tweak a few noses. She'd even told me that her story about military school was a lie. I think she would have worn a gorilla suit all year if it meant a chance to confuse the class. The world needs more people like Denise.

Ms. B came in and told us a bit more about the fashion show. She told us that we would each model three outfits. We were all given forms to fill out. The forms were a combination release form and information sheet. We needed to include our sizes and measurements and to get our parents' signatures.

"What kind of outfits will we be wearing?" asked Lisa.

Ms. B smiled. "I can't tell you that, but remember that you will be in front of a respectable crowd. The outfits will be very nice and I promise you that you will not be humiliated."

I liked Lisa a lot. We were in American Lit together and we finally had a chance to talk and to get to know each other. She had entered the contest on a dare with her girlfriend. She hadn't expected to last this long, and now that we were in late February she figured that she might have a shot at winning the competition. She laughed when she told me that she had broken up with her girlfriend. It seems that she was upset that Lisa wouldn't quit the contest. But it wasn't a big problem as she was already dating another girl, who understood that she was only doing this to get college money.

She told me that the reason she was able to get through the contest so easily was that she was used to being different and standing out. She'd been born in Korea, and an American couple had adopted her when she was a few weeks old. She told me that her real parents had been a mixed couple, an American serviceman and a Korean mother, and that would have doomed her back in Korea. She had become very adaptable in her life and she applied these skills to the competition.

Of the remaining contestants I never got very close to either Claire or Debbie. It was understandable with Claire. She was very shy and I was amazed that she was still in the competition. I tried to talk to her, but I never got her to say very much.

On the other hand, Debbie was just standoffish. I think that she felt embarrassed to be associated with us. She claimed that she was in the contest strictly for the scholarship. She had told Caroline that she "wasn't like us." Yet, she was very careful about her appearance and was the most fashionable of any of the contestants. I really couldn't figure her out.

I didn't lose any sleep over this. I didn't expect to be friends with everyone. I wasn't going to be hostile to her, but if she didn't want to be friends so be it.

Ms. B announced that, in addition to the weekly group meeting, we'd each have a mandatory meeting with her. She gave us all a time to see her. I noticed that my meeting was that afternoon during 6th period.

Chapter Seventy-Five

Ms. B was waiting for me as I entered her office.

"How are you doing, Erika?" she asked.

I plopped down in one of her comfy chairs. "Much better, thanks. I guess I should have listened to you. I'm sorry."

She smiled back. "You're forgiven. On the plus side, we have learned a lot about how to treat something like this, if it should ever happen again."

"I hope that it never does," I replied hopefully.

We talked about my classes and how I was doing in my transition. She gave me a lot of info on the subject.

"Excuse me, Ms. B, but I have a question. You told me that no one had ever transitioned at school before, so how do you know so much about this subject?" I asked.

"That is true, this is the first year that we've had contestants come out during the year. However, we have helped nearly fourteen graduates in later transitions. One even contacted us three years after she graduated for help."

"Oh! That makes sense. Besides Caroline and I, is anyone else in this year's group a transsexual?"

"Yes, but they don't want it made public knowledge right now."

I nodded. "I see, well I can understand that. If they want to talk to someone going through the same thing, I will be happy to talk with them."

"Thank you, Erika. Caroline already made the same offer."

I wanted to ask her more about the contest but we ran out of time.

After I'd left I thought about who the third one might be. It was so obvious with Caroline and, from what my friends had told me, it was pretty obvious in my case. I thought about the other five, and each had pluses and minuses. The only one I ruled out was Denise. I couldn't see her being shy and secretive about anything.

Chapter Seventy-Six

Even though Jenny and Mom hadn't given me permission to work, I decided that I needed to touch base with them. I also wanted to thank them for their help when I froze up.

I baked some cookies and wrapped up a small basket for Cindy, Mel, and Mrs. Lincoln. I also had a big plate for the guys at the leather store.

I felt a bit funny walking into the store at first. I was just in jeans, boots, bra, and a sweater. I was also wearing my school jacket.

Mel saw me first and walked over and gave me a big hug.

"You look much better than the last time I saw you!" She then put on a fake serious look on her face. "I almost gave you a punch instead of a hug. You scared me to death when I saw you in the hallway."

"Well, I'm glad for the hug. Here's a peace offering." I handed her the basket of goodies.

Mel smiled, and gave me another hug. "Apology accepted. Cindy is in the back with Mrs. Lincoln."

"Great, I'll talk to you later."

I went into the back and knocked on Mrs. Lincoln's door and entered.

They were both happy to see me. Mrs. Lincoln commented that I looked much better and healthier. I had heard that a lot lately. I'd seen a photo taken of me right after the trial, and I couldn't believe how bad I'd looked. I had lost nearly 12 pounds during the trial, and my face had looked very gaunt and pale. Mrs. Lincoln told me that whenever I was ready she'd welcome me back.

My final stop was at the leather store. Cliff came up and lifted me into the air. He said that when he'd first heard Mel beating on the door that he'd thought it was a joke, but when he saw me on the floor it "scared the shit out of me," his words not mine. He appreciated the cookies and so did the other guys in the shop.

It felt good to be returning to a normal life. I hoped that I'd be allowed to return to work soon, even if it was reduced hours. However, I knew that Mom wouldn't allow me to do it until after the sentencing.

Chapter Seventy-Seven

On Sunday morning I was sitting upstairs at my computer, working on my statement. I hated the term "Victim Impact Statement" but I appreciated the opportunity for closure. I knew it was all legalese but I was through with the term victim. Jason had been a dark cloud all year. It would be good to see this over.

I was so intent on the wording that I never heard Mom come up behind me. I almost jumped out of my chair when she asked me how it was going.

"Sorry, honey."

I looked back and was holding my hand on my chest. It was kind of funny and we both broke out laughing.

"So, how is it shaping up?" asked Mom, after we'd composed ourselves. She pulled up a chair and sat down next to me.

I moved over so she could see my computer screen a little better. "Here, read it and tell me what you think, and please be honest."

She read through it several times, and then sat back. "I like it. I look forward to hearing you give it this week." She also made some comments on grammar errors. Everyone's a critic!

The sentencing hearing was starting on Tuesday. Sam had said that it would last a few days at most, since there was a deal in place. I'd had asked him how sure he was that the judge would uphold the agreed deal. He felt it would be pretty close to what they had suggested. He told me that both sides would give the judge their recommendations, along with any appropriate expert testimony. Then there would be time for my statement.

Tuesday, we re-entered the courtroom to start the sentencing hearing. There was a lot of rehashing of the case by the prosecution, concerning the violence involved. Sam was also allowed to bring up the previous incidents between Jason and I, which included the threats and the attempted attack at the football game. He recommended that Jason receive a long prison term and be placed on the list of violent sex offenders for life.

On Wednesday, the defense brought in several experts that stated who what Jason needed was long-term therapy and not jail time. I felt betrayed when they suggested that he was a victim too, and that he was suffering from depression and other ills, and that he really wasn't responsible for his actions. They implied that the only reason he'd pleaded guilty was to ease my pain. They also brought in a preacher who claimed that Jason had become a changed person and that he deserved a chance to make the most of his life.

I needed to channel my anger, so that night I edited my statement somewhat. I also wrote a really cutting and angry version that I had no intention of ever reading in court. It did feel good to write it! I e-mailed it to Cat and Laura and told them to feel free to include additional commentary. The resulting statement was extremely angry and also very funny. It was more along the lines of a Dennis Miller rant by the time we'd finished. We got a lot of laughs out of it, and I felt much better.

Chapter Seventy-Eight

Thursday morning was cold and blustery. Still, there was a hint of spring in the air. I picked out a black skirt and charcoal gray sweater to wear. I took extra pride in doing my makeup and hair. I wanted a look that would be taken seriously by the judge.

We had breakfast downtown with Jenny. We met in a diner located two blocks from the courtroom. Sam had recommended the place as a favorite of both his office staff and the police. He said that the regulars would keep away the riff-raff - like defense attorneys. I gave Jenny a copy of my real statement to read as we ate. She thought that it was appropriate, and she agreed to let me speak. She promised that she would be available afterwards.

We entered the courtroom and took our seats. I knew that I had many supporters in the audience, but I didn't look at them. I wanted to be as focused as possible. I would be the last person to speak before the judge began his deliberations on the sentence. Any fear or doubts I'd had disappeared when I looked over at Jason. He cracked a small smile and winked at me as I took my seat. He was still an arrogant jerk. He must have gotten great pleasure out of my mental crash and burn.

The judge gave me permission to speak.

I took a deep breath and started. "Your Honor, I want to thank you for giving me this opportunity to express how this crime has changed my life. Physically, I suffered many injuries from Jason's brutal assault. First, I was abducted under threat of death. Then, I was sexually violated twice under extremely violent and degrading circumstances, accompanied by hate-filled verbal abuse. My face still shows the effects of his attack, my nose and this scar are daily reminders of what occurred."

I then held up a photo of what I'd looked liked right after the attack. "Yes, the bruises and swelling have healed, but the damage goes deeper than that."

I took a drink of water and continued. "The worst part of this crime was the attack on my mental well being. This part of the attack started with the initial assault and still continues to this day. It started with the fear caused by the actual abduction, assault, and sexual assault. Then there was the fear of being infected with a disease. Then there was the sense of freedom and security that was taken away from me. There was the effect on my family and friends. There was the effect on my relationship with my boyfriend. There was the effect on my schoolwork and job. There was the effect of trying to ridicule me for being transgendered. There was effect of being held up to ridicule in the press. There was the completely unjustified attack on my reputation and morals here in court. There was the attempt to make me into the real criminal. All these combined to form a weight that almost crushed me."

I stopped and glared at Jason. I looked directly at him. He dropped his head down and wouldn't look at me. Then I transferred my glare to Martin Turner, who just stated back without showing any emotion.

"Thanks to my friends, family, and a lot of therapy, I am recovering. Did you hear that Jason? Jason, look at me!" I demanded, very loudly but he just kept his head down. "You're such a coward, that you won't even look me in the eye. I will not allow your selfish and hateful acts to ruin my life. If that was the reason you attacked me, then you failed. You tried to take my dignity and you failed. You tried to damage my body and mind and you failed. If anything you've only made me stronger. I know that I will carry the physical and mental scars from what you did to me my whole life. Yes, I hate what you did to me. I despise your actions and the fact that you still see yourself as the victim and that you won't truly accept responsibility for your actions. You deserve to be punished and you need to accept responsibility for the pain, fears, and physical and emotional damage you have caused."

I had to stop for a second to regain my composure. I saw that Jason's head was still down.

"I hope that someday you understand what you have done to me, and I hope that you are kept locked away from society until you truly comprehend your actions." I then turned to the judge and said. "Thank you, your Honor."

I was then allowed to step down. The weight I had described was gone, and I felt as if I was walking three feet off the ground.

I sat next to Mom and she put her arm around me. "I'm so proud of you!" she whispered in my ear. The court adjourned while the judge contemplated Jason's sentence.

We met with Sam afterwards and he told us that he'd call us as soon as the judge made his decision. He told us that he didn't expect a decision until the next morning at the earliest.

We caught up with Jenny, Terri, and Cat outside the courtroom. It was only around noon, but I was too keyed up to go back to school. We went back to the diner to eat and come down from the statement.

As we waited for our food, Jenny asked me how I was feeling. I explained the sensation of the weight being lifted off.

"I thought you did a great job," stated Cat. "I watched how Jason's cockiness disappeared and how you broke him down. It was impressive."

"Thanks. Coming from you, that's a big compliment. I could feel your strength supporting me while I was up there."

Jenny said that she would be in court when the sentence was read. We were halfway home when Mom's cell phone rang. It was Sam telling us to be back in court the next morning.

Chapter Seventy-Nine

Looking back at the sentencing, I remember how calm I was. I had full confidence in the legal system to do the right thing. Yes, the possibility of Jason getting a light sentence had entered my mind, but I dismissed it.

The judge entered and court was in session. He reviewed his papers and then addressed the court. He told us what went into his decision. He said he looked at the severity of the crime, its effect on the victim, how the defendant reacted, and his sense of responsibility. He said that he also took into account several factors regarding the defendant, including his ability to eventually be turned into a useful member of society. This was combined with the laws and recommendations of the defense and the prosecution.

He then had Jason stand up while he read his decision. I don't remember all the specifics. I just know that Jason was sentenced to thirty years in prison for the abduction, assault, and sexual assault. Sam told us that he would have to serve at least 15 years before he was eligible for parole. It was finally over. I didn't feel happy; it was more a sense of relief, which can be even more satisfying. I could now get on with the rest of my life.

Chapter Eighty

Thankfully, I had a whole weekend to recover from the sentencing. I mainly hung out with Laura and Cat. We didn't do anything special or exciting and that was just fine. We did meet Paul and Caroline at Guido's Saturday evening. It felt good to be surrounded by friends. We talked about our plans, both long term and for the immediate future. Cat told us that she'd be out of town the following weekend. She was going to the main crime lab with one of the lab technicians. Laura made her promise not to tell us any dead body stories.

"So, Erika, have you made any decisions yet on what you want to do after graduation?" asked Cat.

"I've applied to Dewey College."

"Cool, so what are you going to study?" asked Caroline.

"I'm thinking about history, but I will also take teaching classes."

"Teaching? That suits you a lot Erika," added Laura, "So, when did you make this decision?"

"I had a lot of time to think during my recovery. But I think it hit me as I prepared the lesson that I'll be teaching for Mr. Kline's class."

"Have you thought about how your being transgendered might affect your ability to get hired?" asked Cat.

I smiled. "I can always count on you to be my voice of reason! Actually I have. I plan on having surgery before I graduate. If I win the scholarship, I won't have to worry about school and I can take time off to recover. I will try to get hired around here. I figure that, unless there is a major shift in attitude, I'd have a good chance of being hired. That will allow me to get a work history as a woman besides my job with Mrs. Lincoln."

"I'm impressed at how you've really planned this out," replied Cat.

"So, what level do you want to teach?" asked Paul.

"High school - I don't think that I could deal with the real little kids."

Paul told us that he had also applied to Dewey for their journalism program. Caroline had been accepted in a small art college over in Pine Valley, but she was still waiting to hear back from Dewey.

We joked that in twenty years we would be ruling Golden Hill. I would be the principal at Central, Cat would be Chief of Police, Laura would be Mayor, Paul would be editor of the town newspaper, and Caroline would be a famous artist. I also realized that by then Jason might be paroled.

Chapter Eighty-One

I was kind of looking forward to Monday. I had to get to school early because I had to be fitted with the empathy belly. Yes, I'd be walking around school looking like I was eight months pregnant all day. I was very curious about the sensations that I would be experiencing. I also didn't think it would be as bad as everyone said it was.

Mrs. Roberts met me early Monday morning to assist me in getting dressed. She also explained the purpose of each part of the outfit as she helped me into it.

She explained that this was the most advanced model of the pregnancy simulator. Unlike previous models that were worn over clothes, this one was worn right next to the skin. There was a piece of clothing that looked like a body briefer. There were some significant differences however. First there was a rib belt that tightened my chest. This was to make breathing more difficult. Next, she slipped in my breasts. Unlike my small breast pads, these were large and heavy.

Next she adjusted the belly itself. It was filled with warm water. Additionally there were weights, some pressed against me, specifically against my bladder. She told me that I'd be spending a lot of time going to the restroom today. Fortunately, there was quick access due to Velcro! The other weights simulated the movement of the baby.

I couldn't believe how heavy it all was. Mrs. Roberts told me that I now weighed 35 pounds heavier and she had me step up on a scale to prove it. I was immediately aware of the discomfort that I'd be experiencing the rest of the day. My back already hurt, and I had to adjust the way I walked. It took more energy to move around and to do basically everything! Mrs. Roberts handed me my clothes and watched as I struggled to get dressed. I was wearing a black pair of tights and a red maternity top. Thankfully, I had followed her advice and had brought a pair of flats that I could slip my feet into. There was no way that I could tie laces. She watched me struggle in amused silence.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" I asked as I tried to sit down.

"Yes, I must admit that this is my favorite time of the year. At least you're used to wearing women's clothing and having breasts. We have some boys enrolled in the class, and they're at a real disadvantage."

She then went on to explain that I would feel more fatigued throughout the day. I would also feel warmer and my blood pressure would be slightly higher. She said that, if I felt lightheaded, I should immediately to go the health office. She also told me to drink plenty of fluids, even though it would mean more trips to the restroom. Then she handed me a small notebook and told me to record my observations in it all day.

"I'll see you in class first period. Meet me here after school and we'll get you freed."

"Thanks," I replied as I picked up my bag and coat and waddled off to homeroom.

I was dreading going to into homeroom. I just knew that Paul had some stupid stunt planned. I also quickly discovered that I'd be spending the day in the slow lane. My normal fast pace was already down to a crawl, and using the stairs really sucked, both going up and down. Halfway to homeroom, I had to make my first pit stop. I barely made it into the stall. It was quite an adventure getting back up off the toilet.

When I made it into homeroom, I was greeted by some laughs. However, there were also a lot of questions and comments from the girls. Many of them had taken the course and they shared their experiences and gave me some hints.

Paul was getting all kind of laughs, but I couldn't see why. He finally came over and I saw he had on a button that said, "It's not mine." I just glared at him in mock anger. I tried to think of a good comeback line but couldn't. Fortunately, Cat saved the day for me.

"Paul isn't it your turn to wear it next week?" she asked. "I wouldn't be so fast to mock her, you know what they say about payback?"

There were plenty of "Ooooohs" in class as Paul sat down and took off the button. He looked over at me and said he was sorry. I winked and smiled back at him.

I made it back to Mrs. Robert's classroom and could feel sweat on my face. Fortunately, there was a special chair for the pregnant student. There was no way that I could fit in a regular desk.

I found that the other girls in the class were very supportive and interested in my feelings and observations about wearing the belly. There was a sense of bonding over this shared experience. They took several photos of me, so I'd have some souvenirs.

I barely made it to Mr. Kline's class on time. I was getting very tired and my back was starting to really hurt. Yes, I was becoming very whiny about my discomfort. I couldn't wait until the end of the school day!

The only good thing about the belly was that it got me out of PE. Coach Chambers gave me a pass to the library. I normally loved PE, but today I preferred to sit and rest on one of the soft couches in the library, as opposed to sitting on the hard wooden bleachers and watching the rest of my class play volleyball. My back was starting to hurt. I couldn't imagine doing this for nine months!

Missing PE allowed me to get a head start on getting into the cafeteria. Laura and Kristen both found my suffering humorous. Cat told me that it was too bad that they couldn't come up with a period simulator too. I glared at her for that one!

Kristen had her camera and I posed for several photographs. We got a great group shot. They also took one of just Laura and I. She had her hand on my belly and was looking at me with me with moony eyes. I still get a laugh when I see it.

I struggled to get to my afternoon classes. Luckily, I met Lisa on the way to American Lit and she carried my book bag. I also had to make another pit stop. I lost count of my trips to the restroom. The weight was really doing its job. I asked Lisa how her day had gone when she wore it.

"I was so glad to when sixth period arrived. But looking back, I'm glad I did it," she stated.

"Would you do it again?" I asked.

"No!" she laughed.

I slowly made my way down the hall to my sixth period class. I had just made it to Mr. Kline's room when the fire alarm went off. While most of the students cheered, I groaned; the last thing I wanted to do was walk outside! We all picked up our stuff and walked to the exit. Alex's younger brother, Nick, helped me by carrying my bags.

We all thought that this was a stupid time to have a fire drill as we worked our way outside. I had to admit that the cold air felt good as I stepped outside. However, I wasn't looking forward to standing around for ten minutes while they made sure that everyone was outside.

That's when we heard the fire engines approaching. Everyone began talking and wondering if there was real fire or was if it was a false alarm. I was more concerned with finding a place to sit down. There was no way I could sit down on the curb, at least not and be able to stand up again. And the ground was still covered in snow so that wasn't an option.

We watched the fire engines pull up. If this was a drill, they were taking it very seriously. They were putting on breathing equipment and entering the school.

Fortunately, one of our campus supervisors drove by in their golf cart and saw me and stopped. She waved me over and let me sit down in their electric cart. It felt wonderful! I couldn't believe how good just sitting down could feel. She then told Mr. Kline that there was a gas leak in the kitchen. She said that we would be outside for a while. We could hear the reports on her 2-way radio.

After twenty minutes, we heard that the source of the leak had been found and stopped. However, as the school had to be ventilated for several hours, the decision was made to send us all home. Normally, this would be a cause for celebration, but I was stuck wearing the belly!

I was debating how I was going to get home and how I would get out of this thing when Mrs. Roberts found me.

"I'm so happy to see you!" I exclaimed with glee.

"I imagine you are. Wasn't wearing the belly difficult enough for you?' she joked with a smile.

"Well, you know me, I always want some extra challenges," I replied. "Do I get extra credit for this?"

She just laughed and shook her head no. "Since we can't get back into school, I think the best thing would be to take you home and have you get changed there. Come on I'll drive you there."

Thankfully, the campus supervisor gave us a lift to the parking lot. I waved to Laura as we drove to the faculty parking lot. I found that getting in and out of the car was also very difficult. Thanks to the gas leak, I was able to have some experiences that the rest of the class missed. My journal for the day would be very full.

We got to my house and I saw that Mom's car was in the driveway. I then remembered that she was starting her first class that afternoon. I needed help getting out of the car, and Mrs. Roberts helped pull me out. My center of gravity was way off.

"Hi, Mom, I'm home," I announced as we came in.

"I heard the news on the radio. Is everyone okay?" asked Mom from the kitchen.

"Yes, we all survived. Mom could you come here, there's someone here I would like you to meet. This is my teacher, Mrs. Roberts."

Mom came out of the kitchen and as soon as she saw me she immediately broke out laughing hysterically. "I'm sorry, honey. I just didn't expect to see you like this," she apologized, holding back laughs. She walked up and put her hand on my extended belly.

"We weren't allowed back into school, so Mrs. Roberts gave me a lift home, and she is going to help me change," I explained. I could feel my face turning red from embarrassment.

"Hi, I'm Jill," greeted Mom, wiping away tears from her eyes.

"Pleased to meet you, Jill, I'm Elaine Roberts. You're lucky, not too many parents see their children in the belly."

"I must admit that this it's priceless seeing Erika like this. Can I give you two a hand?"

"Sure. It isn't easy to get it off."

Getting up the stairs was my last challenge of the day. I had a whole new perspective on life after this day. I had full respect for any woman who was pregnant. I can't imagine how Mom made it through a year of college while she was pregnant with me. I had even more respect for her.

It felt wonderful to get out of the belly and the briefer. I went in to shower as Mrs. Roberts packed it up. She told us that she always had to take it home to wash after each student used it anyway.

I met them downstairs after I got dressed. They were sitting in the kitchen talking.

"Stop by tomorrow and pick up your clothes," stated Mrs. Roberts. "I need to get going, it was nice meeting you, Jill. See you tomorrow Erika."

I walked her to the door and waved goodbye.

"She thinks very highly of you," added Mom.

"I like her too." I always felt a little uneasy having my teachers meet my Mom outside of school. I know it is stupid, but it always feels slightly embarrassing.

"She told me something interesting," Mom said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

"What was that?" I asked as I reached into the fridge for a diet cola.

"She said that you had talked to her about your interest in teaching. Are you serious about that? "

I then went on to tell her my idea and plans.

"When did you finalize these ideas?"

"I think this past weekend it kind of all came together. Dewey was one of the schools I applied to, and they have the best teaching program in the area. Besides, if I don't get the scholarship I can still go part time and work for Mrs. Lincoln."

"Well, you have my support. I think you'd make a wonderful teacher. Now, I have to run. I'll be home around 8:00."

"Cool, I'll have dinner ready."

"My, you are something! Why, just this afternoon you were pregnant and now you'll be cooking dinner for me!" quipped Mom.

Chapter Eighty-Two

On Tuesday I had my weekly meeting with Jenny. She was pleased with my progress but still wasn't convinced that I was ready to go back to work.

"Let's see how you are doing in a week. You'll have the rest of your life to work, Erika, so enjoy your time off. Besides, you are lucky to have a boss who is understanding."

"She's pretty cool."

She then shifted the topic to my transition.

"I received a call from Dr. Wright. He told me that he reviewed your record and that he'd like to meet with you. I have arraigned for you to meet him here at 5:00PM on Thursday, if that is okay with you."

I was silent for a moment as I let her words sink in. "Yes, that sounds great. I'll be here at 5:00. Thank you for having faith in me. What will he do with me?"

"Standard questions. Just be yourself and don't worry."

I wondered what the "standard questions" were. Laura was waiting for me in the reception area. Mom had classes on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I'd had to ask Laura for a ride. She didn't mind as it gave us some time together.

"So, how did it go? You still insane?" she asked in a matter of fact manner as we walked to her car.

"That question implies that I was sane in the first place," I answered with a laugh.

"Good point." She wrapped her arms around my waist and pulled me close to her. "I'm so in love with you, girl!"

We then kissed. I know that I've said it before, but when she kissed me, I felt so good. The tingles went right down my spine and I often trembled slightly. She told me that she could feel my body vibrate when we embraced.

As we drove away I told her about my Thursday appointment with Dr. Wright.

"I don't get it. Why isn't Dr. McCall's opinion good enough?" asked Laura.

"Rules. Jenny's a psychologist, not an MD. I'm not worried. It's just another step in the process."

"Well, you want to go celebrate a little?" asked Laura.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked.

"There's a coffee house I've been wanting to take you to. I also want to show you off."

I knew what she was talking about. There was a coffeehouse near Dewey College called Spencer's, and it was a favorite hangout for the gay and lesbian students. Laura told me that it was the place where she first knew that she was wasn't straight.

We found a parking spot around two blocks away and pulled in. I felt very grown up as we walked to Spencer's. We walked down the block and looked in the store windows. I always found the college area so interesting.

We walked in and placed our orders. Laura talked me into getting a cappuccino instead of tea. Since she was treating I didn't argue. Actually, I liked cappuccino, especially when I could put lots of sugar in it!

The interior was very casual. It was like a big living room. There were couches and big old armchairs along with a few standard tables. The walls were covered with various pieces of art by local artists, many of which were for sale. We sat on a couch located near the fireplace. The fire felt really good. It was still cold outside and I wondered if spring would ever arrive.

"So, what do you think?" asked Laura, as she snuggled up next to me.

"It's pretty cool. So you came down here by yourself?"

"Yes, I first came here when I was a junior. I was in major sexuality confusion and didn't really know where to turn. I overheard some kids at school talking about this place, so I snuck down here one night. I told my parents I was at the library." She got real quiet. She took a long sip of her cappuccino. I reached over and wiped off her cream moustache.

"Relax," I stated. I slipped my arm around her. I could feel her trembling slightly.

"Thanks," she replied. "Anyway, when I was here, I found that I could talk openly without fear of being judged. I immediately accepted the fact that I was a lesbian and that it was okay. There's still a stigma at school associated with being gay or lesbian. Not everyone accepts the gay and lesbian students. I also met my first girlfriend here, and I had my first kiss on this very couch." She patted the cushion with her hand.

"When did you decide to come out?" I asked.

"Good question. I wasn't totally hiding it. Cat figured it out first, but that's no surprise. I then told a few select friends like Kristen and Alex. They didn't care one way or another. They said that I was their friend and my sexuality had nothing to do with it." She sort of choked up a little. "There were a lot of rumors flying around school. I was in the middle of the election for Class President, and it seemed like a good time to tell everyone."

"How was that received?" I asked as I took a sip from my mug.

"No one openly said or did anything to me, it was more subtle. There was some graffiti on my campaign posters and a few nasty notes in my locker. A few girls told Coach Chambers that they felt 'uncomfortable' showering with me in the same room. But nothing bad really happened at school. I was elected Class President, although it was much closer that it would have been if I hadn't told them. But, I'm glad that I was honest with them."

"I don't think you are giving them enough credit. They also elected you to the Homecoming Court. There'll always be jerks, but the good people outnumber them."

"Yes, you're right. I keep forgetting that you have been going through a similar experience."

"What about at home?"

"Mom is getting better with it. It's funny, but she likes you; she sort of considers you a compromise," answered Laura with a slight laugh.

"Oh? So does she see me as a pseudo-boyfriend or just a pseudo-boy?" I asked.

"It really doesn't matter what she thinks, it matters what I think."

"And the rest of your family?"

"Mixed. My Dad is still confused. My older sister thinks it's great. She told me Mom and Dad like her boyfriends more since I came out. Seriously, she's cool with it. I really don't care what the rest of my extended family thinks. I'm not seeking their permission."

"I know the feeling. While I don't have a big extended family, most don't understand what I am doing and don't want to understand. Still, you want the people you love to accept you."

"So you can relate? You're so lucky that your mom is so accepting!"

"I know. She's the best."

Laura took a long sip from her mug. She looked at me and took me by the hand, and smiled at me. "And then this year I met you. You have no idea what you mean to me."

"I think I do. I feel the same way about you."

We then kissed. She then looked at me and smiled, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just cannot imagine you as a boy. Do you remember the assembly on the first day of school, when they had you stand up?"

"Yes. I won't forget that moment. Why?"

"Well, love, I was one of the many who thought you were a real girl. Even after I talked to Cat, I wasn't totally convinced. I also thought you were cute right from the start!"

"It turns out you were right, after all," I answered. We both broke up. Laura started laughing so hard that she almost spilled her cappuccino.

A few people looked over and tried to figure out what was so funny.

"I just want you to know that I see you as a girl and that I fully support your decision to become whole," reassured Laura.

"Thank you for bringing me here, and thank you for sharing your story with me." She leaned over and we kissed. It felt so freeing to kiss out in public.

Chapter Eighty-Three

I got home around 7:00. I had an hour to come up with dinner. Looking in the fridge, I found some leftover cooked chicken breast from Sunday's dinner. So I mixed up a pot of red beans and rice and chopped up the chicken and added it to the pot. I then baked up some cornbread muffins. With a salad it wouldn't be a bad dinner.

While the meal was cooking I checked the answering machine. There was one message. I pressed the "play" button and looked through the mail.

"Hi, Jill. This is Sam Warren. I was wondering if you would like to go out to dinner this week. Listen, I'll call back later this evening. Bye."

I carefully saved the message for her. This was so cool! I couldn't wait for Mom to get home!

A little after 8:00, I heard the front door open, "Hi, honey," Mom called.

"How was the class?" I asked

"Excellent. Hmmm, something smells really good."

I told her what I was cooking. I then told her that she had a message on the machine.

I watched as she pressed play and heard Sam's voice.

"So? Will you go out with him?" I asked, with a big smile on my face.

"Is that really your business?" asked Mom. I could see that she was smiling.

"Well, yes, it is. Remember, we have a bet."

As we ate dinner, I told her about my meeting with Dr. Lawrence Wright. I also told her about going out with Laura.

"Sounds like you had an emotional afternoon and evening. So, you doing okay?" asked Mom.

"Yes, they were good emotions. I am excited about meeting Dr. Wright. And well, I feel so much closer to Laura now."

I then asked her more about her classes, but the phone interrupted us. "I think that it's for you!"

She got up and answered it. She mouthed, "It's Sam" to me, and then she took the phone into the family room. They talked for nearly twenty minutes. I was able to clear the table and fill the dishwasher. I put the kettle on. I decided on chai spice black tea. For some reason, it always gave me interesting detailed dreams. The kettle was just blowing steam when Mom got off the phone.

"What are you having?" asked Mom. I told her and she said that she'd have the same. I took out another bag and put it in her mug. The spicy aroma of the tea filled the room.

"So?" I asked, as I carried our mugs over to the kitchen table.

Mom smiled and dipped her teabag up and down, "He asked me out and I said yes. We're going out Friday evening. I take it you approve!"

"That is so cool! I knew he liked you!"

Mom deserved this, after everything we had been through in the past year. Things were really looking up.

Chapter Eighty-Four

I was less nervous about the appointment thanks to Caroline. She had seen Dr. Wright Wednesday afternoon. She briefed me on what happened during photography. We were back in the developing room by ourselves, so we could talk freely. She said that he pretty much asked routine questions.

"Did he give you his blessing, or permission, or whatever it's called?" I asked.

"Yes. He said that he would mail me the letter," she said.

"That is so cool! Congratulations," I exclaimed and then gave her a hug.

"Yes, I know it's pretty cool."

"So, when are you starting hormones?" I asked.

"I have an appointment in two weeks with an endocrinologist. After he checks me over, then I'll get my prescription."

"I hope to be joining you soon."

Thursday afternoon after school, I was on my way to see Dr. Wright. Mom took off early from work to drive me. Her company was very supportive of us. I was worried about all the time Mom had had to take off during the trial and subsequent collapse. She told me that her boss was very understanding.

Jenny met me in the reception area and took me back to Dr. Wright.

He wasn't what I'd expected. Dr. Wright looked like he was in his early fifties. He had brown hair with a touch of gray and was dressed very casually. He was wearing jeans and a gray pullover sweater. His appearance relaxed me immediately.

Jenny left us after she introduced us. The first part of the interview was as Caroline described it. He asked me questions about my feelings and my decision to seek gender reassignment. He then began to ask me questions about the assault, the trial, and my collapse.

He wanted to know if the assault had any bearing on my decision to stay as Erika. I told him that I was already thinking about it before the assault.

"If anything, the assault accelerated my process of notifying everyone. But it wasn't the reason for my decision."

He pressed me pretty hard regarding my collapse and whether I thought I was strong enough to go through transition.

"I think that my collapse taught me that there are times when it's both okay and desirable to seek support. What led to my collapse was that I thought I was so strong that I didn't need help," I answered.

He smiled and put down his notebook. "That is the sort of answer I was looking for. I must tell you that I had my doubts about your case and I was going to suggest that you delay any decisions. However, I must agree with Dr. McCall that you will make an excellent candidate for gender reassignment."

I sat there speechless. It was one of those "real moments" in life, when you know that something significant has just occurred. You just sort of just sit there and soak it all in.

"I will be sending you a letter in the next week and then you may begin hormone therapy and start taking the legal steps to become female," he explained.

I was finally able to thank him. I was surprisingly calm as I walked out of the office. I ran into Jenny and we talked for a few minutes.

"I just have one question. When I talked to Ms. B about this back in the fall she said that I would have to wait until spring, why the change?"

"We felt that you were ready, based on our sessions and the observations of the faculty. We were all convinced that you are serious about this. But I want you to remember that this is just the start of the journey. Don't try to rush it, and don't expect all your problems to go away," explained Jenny.

"I understand."

On the way home Mom told me that she'd gotten the name and number of an endocrinologist from Jenny.

"Don't be too disappointed, but the earliest appointment that I could get for you is in four weeks," stated Mom

"Nothing sooner?" I asked. She shook her head. "Well, there is nothing I can do about it is there? Thanks for making the appointment."

I wasn't overly excited about the news. I was happy and slightly relieved. However, the more I thought about it, the more excited I got.

When we got home, I called up Laura and Cat. They both were very happy for me. Now that Caroline and I were on our way, I wondered who the third person was that Ms. B had mentioned.

Chapter Eighty-Five

It was just Laura and I on our drive to school on Friday. Cat had left earlier that morning for her trip to the crime lab.

"I think it's cool that Cat has an opportunity to go to the lab," I stated.

Laura nodded in agreement. "You want to go to Spencer's this evening, and then go to a movie?"

"Sounds good," I answered. "What movie do you want to see?"

"There is a good independent theater in the college area. They usually show a classic movie on the weekends in addition to the imported films. If there is nothing you want to see, I'm sure that I can think of something else to do," explained Laura, as she gave me a sly smile.

"I see," I replied.

"What time is your mom going out tonight?" asked Laura, as she drove into the student parking lot.

"Sam is picking her up around 7:00. I'm pretty excited for her."

"I think that it's pretty cool that they are going out. Do you think that they'll get serious?"

"I don't know. I hope they do, I feel a bit guilty that Mom hasn't dated much."

"From what I can tell about your mom, she does what she thinks is right."

"I know, but she deserves to be in love too."

"You mean like her daughter?" asked Laura, as she pulled into an open space.

"Exactly!" I answered and then I leaned over and kissed her. We then headed into the school.

"What do you think of ...the DA?"

"You mean Sam? I like him a lot. He's always been nice to me."

There are a few things I want to write about that day. First, in child development Mrs. Roberts told us that starting that weekend the babies would be given out. The baby was a computerized doll that had sensors in it that could tell how it was treated. It would start to cry and shake, and the only way to address its needs was to insert a special key in its back. The key would be attached by a security bracket to the "parent's wrist." The recording device would tell how long the baby cried before it received attention and whether it was abused.

"Okay, everyone, we have six babies and there are 32 in the class. Everyone in the class must do this to pass. Before I start drawing names, are their any volunteers to go this weekend?" she said. Two girls raised their hands. Mrs. Roberts wrote their names down. "Anyone else? I will pull names and you will be assigned a weekend. If you are absent on the Friday of your assigned week, then you get the next weekend."

I ended up being selected for the next weekend, as were Ann and Debbie. Mrs. Roberts gave the rest us a reading assignment while she showed the six "parents" how to take care of their "child". We watched as she attached the keys to their wrists.

"This is much better than the bags of flour we made everyone carry around in the old days. The bag was supposed to be a baby and what we mainly accomplished was getting flour all over the school," joked Mrs. Roberts.

I also finalized the date for my lecture with Mr. Kline. It would be in two weeks and he'd arranged for the auditorium. I would give it during first and second periods. That way, I'd have plenty of time to answer questions. He told me not to be too nervous, but there would be close to a hundred students, plus faculty for my lecture.

The last thing that happened that day was my conversation with Ms. B. I swung by her office to tell her about my meeting with Dr. Wright. She was very supportive and said that she wasn't surprised that he'd give me his approval. It didn't surprise me that she knew him. I suspected that she was more than just a school counselor. So I had another mystery to solve; unfortunately, I lacked the insight of my best friend. Cat. Maybe I could get her help and serve as her Dr. Watson!

Chapter Eighty-Six

It was a real joy watching Mom get ready for her date with Sam Warren. I was sitting on her bed and watched as she fussed with her makeup. She also kept checking her hair.

"Mom, stop worrying, trust me, you look great!"

She stopped and looked at me and broke out in a smile. "I'm just a bit nervous, it's been a while since I dressed up for a real date."

"You'll do fine."

"Speaking of dates, what time is Laura coming by?" she asked, with a grin on her face.

"Around 7:15," I said. I was so lucky to have a parent who was so understanding!

"I still want you in by midnight."

Just then I heard the doorbell. "I'll get it, Mom."

I ran downstairs and opened the door for Sam. He walked in and was carrying a bouquet of flowers.

"Hi, Erika. You're looking much better," he greeted me with a smile.

"Thanks, I feel better too. Mom will be down in a second."

We walked into the kitchen. I looked for a vase for the flowers.

"By the way, I think it's great that you two are going out," I stated in a low voice.

He smiled. "Well, that makes me feel more at ease!"

Just then Mom came down. He turned and smiled, "Jill, you look fabulous!" he exclaimed as he handed her the flowers.

Mom smiled and I think I saw her blush slightly. I then heard Laura pull up and I said goodbye, grabbed my coat, and darted out to Laura.

Being it was the weekend I wasn't in a skirt. I was wearing my denim overalls with a gray long sleeve t-shirt underneath. They were comfortable, and besides Laura said I looked cute in them!

Laura was wearing jeans and had a green sweater on. "Hi!" I said as I got in the car. We shared a quick kiss.

"You look nice this evening," I stated.

"So do you."

We talked about Mom and Sam. I was hoping that they would get involved. Mom had dated occasionally when we lived in San Diego. Nothing had ever lasted all that long. I think it was because none of them wanted to date a woman with a teenage son. I'd felt guilt every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends. I knew it was stupid, but I couldn't help it. Well, Sam knew all about me and he still wanted to date her, so that was a great sign.

We weren't as lucky finding parking this time and we ended up parking a lot further away from Spencer's Coffee House. I really didn't mind. The weather was getting a little milder. I also liked walking with Laura. We held hands as we walked past the CD shops and bookstores. Even though Laura was out in school, she still felt restricted in displaying her full emotions at Central High. Yes, we kissed, but we tried to keep it low key. Here it didn't matter. Sure we got some looks and the occasional comment, but I know that it didn't matter to Laura.

As for me, I didn't mind being seen as a lesbian. It was better than being made as a boy.

We stepped into Spencer's and I grabbed us some seats while Laura bought the cappuccinos. Luckily, I was able to get us two seats on the couch near the fireplace. The fire felt tremendous. Yes, I said it was getting milder, but the term "milder" is relative when we'd had five months of cold weather!

Laura sat down next to me and set our drinks on the table. She looked around as if she was looking for someone.

"Who are you looking for?" I asked.

"Sorry, force of habit. When I first starting coming here I was a little paranoid. I got in the habit of scanning the room to see if I recognized anyone from school," she explained, as she lifted up her cup and took a sip.

I stirred in some sugar. "You know if you ever did see someone here from Central they might be just as afraid of being seen as you."

"I know, but you know how irrational fears work," she explained.

"Yes, I've had my share of them this past year."

We both laughed.

"Speaking of which, how comfortable are you when you leave school?" she asked.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said that I was 100% comfortable all the time. There's no need to worry in school. Everyone knows that I'm a contestant. Outside of school and Golden Hill I sometimes feel a little nervous. If someone stares too long at me I get a little spooked. I don't think it's because they find me attractive or that I look familiar, I'm afraid it's because they suspect my secret."

"Now that you will be transitioning does it make it any easier?" she asked.

"Not really, in fact in some ways it might make it worse. If someone made me in the past, I always had the competition to fall back on as an excuse."

"Speaking of people staring, there are two women over to your left who are looking at you intently," noted Laura.

I glanced over at them and they immediately turned away. One woman was very tall, and the other was around my height. They looked like they were in their early twenties. I'm not sure what was more annoying or rude, the staring or the pretending that they weren't staring!

I turned back to Laura and shrugged my shoulders, "You'd think that in here they'd have seen someone like me before!"

"Don't look now, but they're walking over towards us. Try to be polite, dear!" whispered Laura.

As I turned, around I heard one speak to me, "We're sorry to interrupt you, but are you the girl who was in the sexual assault trial last month? The reason I'm asking is that we were discussing the case in our journalism class," explained the taller of the two women.

"Yes, that was me," I replied.

"I thought it was you! We were at the trial a couple of days. I am Jessie and this is Trish. I just want to say that I think that you were very brave," complimented the tall woman.

"May we join you two for a few minutes?" asked Trish.

I looked at Laura and she shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

"Sure, why not?" I stated.

They told me that they were interested in my opinion of how the press covered the trial. I saw no reason to hold back. I told them that my biggest problem was the descriptions of me and the use of pronouns.

"I got really tired of reading things like 'he was dressed in girl's clothing' and things like that," I griped.

"The problem is that the public doesn't understand the terms transsexual or transgendered," added Trish.

"Then you need to educate them," interrupted Laura. "They learned the terms for sexuality, so why can't they learn gender identity terms?"

I nodded. "I agree with her. If the press would use the right terms, then the public would at least be exposed to it."

"Aren't you being a little sensitive?" asked Trish.

"No more that any other group that's discriminated against. Sorry, I didn't mean to get bitchy. It's just that it's a sensitive issue. I was worried about getting a fair jury that wouldn't be swayed by the crap that the defense lawyer was saying."

I went on to tell them about my rape support group and their initial response to me. I felt Laura's hand take mine as I went on my little rant.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional. Please don't take it personally," I apologized.

Trish smiled, "No problem. I sort of asked for it. Look can we trade e-mail addresses? I would love to stay in touch with you."

"Sure," I agreed. We traded e-mail and they thanked us and then they left.

"Sorry about that," I apologized to Laura.

Laura was just smiling at me. "I thought you handled that wonderfully!"

We kissed and then I saw the time.

"I guess we missed the 8:00 show," I noted. Laura looked at her watch and saw that it was almost 9:30.

"I guess so! Well, it's time to shift to plan B," she suggested.

With that she stood up and reached down and took me by my hands and helped me up. We slipped on our coats and headed to the door.

"So what is plan B?" I asked.

Laura just smiled at me and led me out of Spencer's.

Chapter Eighty-Seven

"I think you'll like plan B," stated Laura, as we got in her car and pulled out of our parking spot.

"What is it?" I asked.

Laura said nothing. She just smiled at me and blew me a kiss. I noticed that we were driving in the direction of her house.

Laura smiled. "My parents are away for the weekend, so I have the house all to myself."

We arrived at her house and we walked in. We went downstairs to the family room and sat down on the couch together. She then turned on the TV.

Laura then moved closer to me and we started to kiss. She caressed me as we embraced. It was very gentle and very sensuous. After a while, we stopped and cuddled up in each other's arms.

"May I ask you something Erika?" she asked.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Are you a virgin?" she asked.

I smiled. "I still consider myself a virgin in both genders. I don't count what Jason did to me."

"I see. Did you try to lose it when you dated as Eric?" she asked.

"I tried, but was never successful. There was one time I came really close but I couldn't do it. At the time I thought it was due to nerves or being the first time. Looking back, it may have had something to do with my being transgendered."

"That might be true. You know that the hormones will affect your ability to perform. Does it bother you that you may never know what it's like to be with a woman as a guy?"

"No. Well, maybe it does a little, but overall it is a minor concern."

"I wish I could be the one, but the idea of having sex with a male is unthinkable to me," confided Laura.

"Don't apologize. I love you for who you are!"

"If you want to try it with another girl, I won't mind. In fact, I think that it would be cool. You would have a unique point of view that most women can never know."

"That's okay, I'd rather be with you."

"I know that you love me, but I just want you to know that if the opportunity arises, so to speak, that I won't mind. Just as long as you stay with me!"

"I see. So you won't mind if I had sex with a woman as a guy?" I asked, thinking how bizarre this conversation would have been last year at this time.

"Well, only under certain circumstances. It would have to be safe. Hypothetically speaking, if I knew someone who was willing to help you lose your virginity, who at the same time wasn't a rival for you, would you be interested?"

"Hypothetically speaking? Sounds like you already have someone in mind," I replied with a laugh. I wasn't sure how serious she was.

"Maybe," she answered, moving closer to me.

"Do I know her?" I asked.

She just smiled and pulled me closer and we started kissing again. She moved my hand to her breast and had me slowly caress her nipples. I could feel them harden through her sweater and bra.

"That feels wonderful. Your nipples will soon respond the same way. The sensation is wonderful, you'll absolutely love it," she moaned. She ran her hand across my chest.

We didn't go any further than that, and that was fine. It was nice just kissing and snuggling.

On the ride home, I asked her how long she had thought about her "hypothetical idea."

"I guess for a few weeks. Can you honestly say that the idea hasn't crossed your mind?" she confessed.

"Maybe. I've been rather flexible in my sexuality this year. I had a girlfriend for a while in San Diego and then I was Paul's girlfriend and it felt pretty nice and normal. Now I'm your girlfriend and even though we're treating it as a same sex relationship, it also feels nice. It's a bit confusing at times, but I've been told that what I'm going through isn't uncommon."

"Don't get me wrong, I don't want to push you into something that you don't want to do."

"I know that. We've shared a lot in the past few days and it only makes me love you more."

We pulled into my driveway. "Are you going to wait up for your mom?" asked Laura.

"I don't want to interfere, but I'll be listening for her to get home!"

"Do you have your group tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yes I'll be done around 10:00. Mom and I are spending the rest of the day together. I'll call when I get home. Good night."

We kissed one last time. She waited until I got in and I waved goodbye. I thought about her offer and it made me think about my sexuality. I didn't even know if I could perform with a woman right now. Mentally, I was moving towards being a woman. And I liked the idea that Laura loved me because of my feminine status.

I fixed a cup of tea and went to my room. I changed into my pjs and I turned on my computer and checked my mail. I was pleasantly surprised to see one from Cat. She'd reached the lab and was having a blast. There were three other high school students in the group. The only bad thing was that they would not see an autopsy. She said that she knew Laura would be disappointed.

I wrote back and told her about this evening. What I loved about my friendship with Cat was our total trust and openness. I knew that she'd give me an honest response. It's wonderful having a friend like her, and I've been blessed by knowing Cat.

I then heard a car pull in the driveway. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost 1:00 AM.

I peeked out the window and watched as Sam walked her to the front door. I couldn't see what happened, but Mom didn't enter for nearly five minutes. I then heard the front door shut.

I went back to my computer. A few minutes later there was a knock at my door.

"You're up late," remarked Mom.

"Yes, I was doing some research online."

Mom smiled. "You're a terrible liar in either gender!"

"Okay, I was waiting up for you. How did it go?" I asked anxiously.

Mom sat down on the edge of my bed. "It was really fun. I think that we hit it off pretty well."

"Are you going out again?" I asked, as I got up and sat down next to her.

"Sort of. I invited him over for dinner Sunday night."

"Cool. Do you want to be alone?" I asked, with a smile.

"No, that's okay. But thank you for offering. Look, honey, it's late and you have to be over at your session at 8:00. We'll talk more later." She got up and gave me a hug and left.

I went to bed and thought about all the things going on in my life.

Chapter Eighty-Eight

I was now fully accepted in the group and I was no longer the newest member. There was a college co-ed who'd been the victim of a date rape. Her name was Alyce and she was a student at Dewey. It was very different sitting on the other side of the table and listening to someone pour their heart and soul out. I also felt very emotional and my own memories of what Jason had done to me resurfaced.

We talked a little afterwards. She told me that she was surprised to see someone as young as me in the group. I started to tell her what happened and she stopped me.

"Oh! That was you?" she asked, "You're the girl from the high school in the trial last month?"

"Yes, that's me," I answered. I waited for her reaction.

"I read about what he did to you. I'm glad that they put the bastard away!"

We talked for a few minutes about the case and how the DA handled it. My being transgendered was never brought up by her once.

As I walked out to the parking lot, her reaction gave me something to think about. I found that I was being as judgmental as I thought most people would be. She knew the case but she referred to me as "the girl." She remembered me as a victim and from a court case, not as a transsexual. I learned an important lesson that day.

I met Mom at the coffee house. We decided to have a mother-daughter day, which would include shopping and lunch. We talked about my group session as we walked to the car.

After some shopping we stopped to eat in a small bistro. Golden Hill was still small but it was starting to get trendy. I was looking forward to lunch, as I hoped to learn more about Mom's date.

She told me that they'd gone to a restaurant out past the college. It was Sam's favorite place and in addition to the great food there was a piano in the bar. Mom said that they'd sat in there for hours after dinner, talking while a woman played jazz tunes on the piano. They'd lost all track of time and they were the last ones in the bar.

"Sounds very romantic," I remarked, as I took bite of salad.

"It was. I think that I'm in love with him," admitted Mom. "I know that I am jumping the gun a little, but he is very special."

"You won't hear any argument from me. I like him a lot too," I concurred.

"I appreciate that you want me to be happy."

I told her about my date with Laura. I talked about Spencer's and the discussion with the two girls from Dewey. I didn't tell her about Laura's and my discussion about my virginity. There are some things you don't talk to your mother about!

"You and Laura are getting quite close. I'm glad that you're feeling so comfortable with your transition and identity. Just be careful. I'd hate for you to get hurt."

"Thanks. She is very special and she has made my recovery so much easier. Speaking of my recovery, I really want to start working again soon."

"Okay, I'll change the subject," said Mom. "As for you going back to work, it all depends on what Jenny says."

"Cool. While we are talking about it, I'd also like to help Coach Chambers in the afternoons," I added. I figured I might as well go for broke.

"Okay, but only on the afternoons you are not working. I don't want you to take on too much. You just told me how strong the memories of the assault came back when you talked to Alyce, and then you also got emotional about it last night. You know that this will be with you for a long time." I noticed that she then got real quiet and seemed to be holding back tears.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I just feel angry that I couldn't protect you from what happened. A mother hates to see her child hurt," she apologized.

"It wasn't your fault. No one could have foreseen that he would be such a psycho. I'm learning to live with this. I messed up once by going too fast and it won't happen again. I just want to be part of the school again."

The rest of the afternoon was far less emotional and much more fun. Mom seemed to have fully accepted me as her daughter. My only regret was that I didn't discover my true self earlier.

On the way home, we called up Laura and invited her to dinner. Terri was also going to join us. It turned out to be a wonderful day.

Sunday dinner also went really well. It was warm enough on our deck to turn on the grill. It was a balmy 48 degrees, which was a minor heat wave. Sam promised that there would be a spring. I still had my doubts. I swear I saw mammoth tracks in the backyard.

He volunteered to cook the steaks. It was strange; it felt like he had been a part of our lives forever. He did a great job on the grill, better than Mom or I could! We took care of the rest of the meal, with baked potatoes, green beans, and a salad. Sam brought a bottle of wine.

During dinner I asked if I could have a taste of the wine.

"How old are you?" asked Sam.

"I'm seventeen. I'll be eighteen on July 3rd," I stated proudly.

"Well, why don't we wait until then? You'll only be three years under the drinking age then!" he said, smiling.

"In Europe they allow kids my age to drink wine." I answered with a laugh.

Mom looked around the room, "Looks like we're still in the USA! Sorry, honey."

I shrugged my shoulders. "No problem, it doesn't hurt to ask."

It was a great evening. After we cleaned up, I excused myself to work on some homework. Actually I didn't have any, but I wanted to give them some time alone.

After Sam left, Mom told me that they were going out again on Friday. I was so happy for her.

Chapter Eighty-Nine

A lot happened that week in school, I'll talk about the highlights.

School was good on Monday. First, Cat was back. I'd really missed her, even though she was only gone a few days. She told us about her trip and how exciting it was. Laura was pleased to hear that there were no human body stories.

When we got to homeroom, we noticed that Paul wasn't there. Then it hit me, today was his pregnancy day! When he waddled, in everyone stood up and applauded. I give him a lot of credit as he caught a lot of grief that day. I told him that I thought he'd make a great "mom"! I took a couple of photos of him, it was the least I could do!

The first group of "parents" returned their "children" to Mrs. Roberts. The general feeling was that they were in no hurry to get pregnant. One girl said that it was the longest weekend of her life. Some of the other comments cannot be printed here. It sounded ominous. I would be getting my "child" that Friday.

During photography Caroline showed me her cartoon of Paul struggling with his pregnancy.

"After all, he's had a lot of fun with the rest of the class, so I figure that it's his turn," smiled Caroline.

I asked her how it was going with her family. She said that her mom fully supported her decision to transition and that her father was slowly coming around. However, she had no intention of moving back home.

Tuesday, I had a meeting with Jenny. She agreed to let me work two days a week, plus once on the weekend and to help out Coach Chambers two afternoons a week. I had been hoping to help out more that than, but Jenny said no.

"Don't worry about Coach Chambers. I've known Lori a long time. Once I explain it to her, she'll be fine," explained Jenny.

I did have her give me written permission to start working again for Mrs. Lincoln. As before, Laura was waiting for me. We were going to meet Cat at the Chinese restaurant at the mall. It would also give me a chance to drop off the letter with Mrs. Lincoln.

When I walked into the store Mel greeted me. "Well, look who's here! So when will be ready to come back and help us out?" she asked with a smile.

"It's good to see you too! Actually, my therapist just cleared me to start working again. Is Mrs. Lincoln in?" I asked.

"Yes, she's in back with Cindy," said Mel. "All kidding aside, we've really missed you."

I went in the back room and I ran into Cindy as she was leaving Mrs. Lincoln's office, "Well, speak of the devil! We were just talking about you," stated Cindy.

"I've been cleared to start working again, but only twice during the week and once on the weekend. Do you think that Mrs. Lincoln will find that acceptable?" I asked

"I think so. She'll be very happy to have you back, even if she doesn't say it to your face," whispered Cindy.

"Please come in, Erika," ordered Mrs. Lincoln, speaking from her office.

"I'll see you when you come out," whispered Cindy. "It's great to have you back!"

"Good evening, Mrs. Lincoln," I greeted her, as I entered her office.

I must give you a description of her office. It was small and a large antique desk dominated it. When you walked in, you were immediately standing in front of Mrs. Lincoln. You immediately knew who the boss was. There were two antique oak chairs in front of her desk and you always waited for her permission to sit down!

Behind her desk were a computer and several file cabinets. The wall behind her desk was covered with photographs. Some were of clients, others of big events, and some were at fashion shows. I could see that some of the photos were pretty old and I could also see several famous people in group shots with Mrs. Lincoln.

On the other walls were mounted posters from various fashion shows held in New York, Paris, Milan and Berlin. I wished that I could spend some time just looking around, but I'd never have dared to ask her to do that. The pictures and posters were not up there to impress guests. They represented a history of her life.

"Please sit down, Erika," offered Mrs. Lincoln. "I see that you have the letter from Dr. McCall. She is a very remarkable young woman. She called and informed me that you were bringing her written permission. I agree with her recommendation."

I didn't say a word. I knew enough to keep quiet until she was finished. It was sort of funny how we played along with her rules. An outsider might think that we worked for the biggest tyrant in the world, but we knew it was the exact opposite.

"I will place you back on the schedule this week. I would like you here on Mondays and Thursdays 6:00-9:00 and on Sundays noon to 5:00. Is that acceptable to you, young lady?" she asked.

"Yes, very much so. Thank you very much, Mrs. Lincoln," I replied, barely holding in my excitement.

"Now, I do not want a repeat of what happened before. If you are getting too stressed you let us know immediately," she ordered.

"I will. I've learned my lesson and I don't to want to go through that again."

"Wonderful, well we'll see you on Thursday. Erika, it's wonderful to have you back."

"Thank you, Mrs. Lincoln. I appreciate everything that you and the staff have done for me. Good evening," I then got up and left.

I felt very fortunate to have become one of her "girls." I learned so much from her. But what made her so special was that she truly cared about us. We were closer to her than her blood relatives.

I told Cindy and Mel that I would see them Thursday, and then I headed over to meet Cat and Laura.

Chapter Ninety

"Are you excited about going back to work?" asked Cat.

"Yes, and not just because I like working there, but it's another sign that I'm getting my life back to normal."

"Normal?" asked Cat. She had a big smile on her face.

"Well, normal for me, that is."

"Speaking of normal, did you know that our dear, sweet Erika will soon be a mother?" asked Laura.

"You get the baby this weekend?" asked Cat

"Yes. Well, it can't be worse than being pregnant."

"I'll bet you never thought you'd say that!" laughed Cat, and we all broke out laughing.

"Speaking of you being pregnant, I have some photos for you. Kristen gave me these this afternoon," Laura stated as she handed me several photos.

"I like this one," remarked Laura, pointing to the one with her looking at me.

"Cute!"

"So what are you going to do with your child when you go to work on Sunday?" asked Cat.

"We can have up to eight hours of 'baby sitting' over the entire weekend. Mom has agreed to watch 'junior' while I'm in group therapy and during work. The main key will be attached to my wrist, while a second key can be used for up to eight hours. Mrs. Roberts said that the recorder in the doll can tell the difference in between the keys, so we shouldn't try to cheat."

"I heard that you won't get a lot of sleep this weekend. Kristen said that the baby woke her up half a dozen times every night," added Laura.

"By the way, how come you two didn't take child development?" I asked.

"I actually wanted to, but I couldn't fit it into my schedule. So, I settled for fashion design," stated Laura.

Cat just smiled. "I decided that you were enough of a project this year."

"Well, I hope you get a passing grade!"

"I'm happy so far," replied Cat, with a smile.

"I agree, I think she's done a great job," added Laura.

Even though I knew they were kidding, I also knew that there was no way I could have made it this far without them.

Chapter Ninety-One

On Thursday, we had our latest meeting of the Magnificent Seven. Ms. B collected the slips for the fashion show. She told us that next week we would be measured for the show. The show would be in three weeks and they would need time to make alterations. She reminded us that there would be a practice session the day before and then the actual show would be on Sunday.

"You'll also get a complete makeover the day of the show - hair, nails, makeup, the works!"

I was looking forward to the show. I remembered how much fun it had been to be pampered during Homecoming. Caroline also thought it would be fun. As for the rest, it was a mixed reaction.

Denise was worried that they would make her look too conservative. Ann just saw this as another hurdle and seemed sort of indifferent. Lisa was also indifferent. I was a bit worried about her, she'd been unusually quiet the last couple of days. Claire, as usual, said little and gave little indication of her feelings one way or another.

The only one who seemed against doing the show was Debbie. She thought it was stupid and designed only to humiliate us. Ms B said that wasn't true.

After the meeting, we were finishing up our lunch. Ms B walked out to go get some papers she wanted to give us.

"I still don't think they should be able to make us do this, after all it's the weekend. It's bad enough they take up our school time," Debbie bitched.

"If you don't like it, you can always quit," snapped Caroline. Like me, she was getting a little fed up with Debbie.

"It's easy for you, Caroline. You love this stuff, just like your crazy friend," replied Debbie in a harsh tone.

There was a loud silence in the room as everyone looked at me for my reaction.

"Excuse me?" I replied, trying to hold back my rising temper.

"You heard me. You snapped and went nuts, that sounds like crazy to me. I'm surprised that they let you back into school," continued Debbie.

"You want me to shut her up?" asked Denise, standing up and punching her fist into her other hand.

"No, she isn't worth it," I remarked to Denise. I was really trying to control my temper. I then turned to Debbie. "Yes, I had a breakdown, but I'm getting better."

"You aren't fooling anyone, Erika. I just hope that when you go completely psycho that you don't hurt anyone. I just wonder if you really got raped. Maybe you did trick Jason?"

Those were the magic words and I jumped up and started at Debbie. Thankfully, Caroline and Denise held me back. Ms. B came back in the room and demanded to know what was going on.

"Erika went crazy again, Ms. B, I would have been attacked if you hadn't come in. I think you should get her some help," lied Debbie in a calm sweet voice. "Her friend Caroline was also threatening me. I think you should kick both of these freaks out of the contest."

"That isn't true, Ms. B. Debbie provoked Erika by calling her crazy and saying that she lied about the assault," interjected Claire. "Caroline and Denise just defended Erika."

I don't know what was more shocking, Debbie's actions or Claire being the sudden voice of reason.

"I see. Is there a way we can resolve this now, before taking it up to the front office? I have a good idea what happened. Erika, will you accept an apology from Debbie?" asked Ms. B.

Before I could speak Debbie interrupted, "Me apologize to her? If anyone should apologize it is her."

I just shrugged my shoulders.

Ms. B talked to everyone and they all confirmed what Claire had said.

"Debbie, you need to come with me please. I'll talk to the rest of you later," stated Ms. B.

Later that afternoon, I was called up to the front office. I was told to take a seat outside Mrs. Lee's office. I waited there for five minutes. The door opened up and Caroline walked out. She gave me a thumbs up signal.

Before I could speak to her, I head Mrs. Lee's stern voice, "Please come in, Erika."

I walked in and found Ms. B was sitting in front of Mrs. Lee's desk.

"Have a seat please, Erika," said Mrs. Lee.

I sat down. I was feeling a little nervous as I thought I might be in trouble.

"We've talked to the rest of the contestants, and we believe them when they said that you did nothing wrong. However, Debbie is facing some discipline. She violated the student code when she said those things about you. I'd like to hear your input on all this before I decide what I will do," explained Mrs. Lee.

"I've calmed down a lot, and I'm willing to forget about it, if she apologizes." Thankfully, I'd a chance to calm down. I wouldn't have been so forgiving right after the incident. I'd been lucky that Debbie refused to offer an apology, because I wouldn't have accepted it then.

"Do you have anything else you want to add?" asked Ms. B.

"I'm angry about what she said. But I doubt that there is anything I can do to change her opinion. I just want her to stay away from me."

"Thank you, Erika. You may go back to class now," stated Mrs. Lee.

Later that day I heard that Debbie was suspended for two days. She wasn't kicked out of the contest, but she dropped out on her own. When the suspension was over, it was Dan who returned to school. The first thing he did when he came back to school was to find me and tell me that he was sorry for what he had said.

Dan was very anxious to sit down with me and apologize. He looked very relieved to be out of the contest. He told me that the stress of the contest had been getting to him and that the awful things he'd said to me were said out of anger at his own situation. It hadn't been personal, but he also said that was still no excuse for the vile things he'd said. He was very competitive and he'd just got too caught up in the idea of winning. He was getting some help now. I didn't have him go into any more detail. It was enough to know he was trying.

He seemed very sincere and I accepted his apology. I had to admit that I liked Dan a lot more than Debbie. I still consider him a friend today. He wished me good luck for the rest of the competition. I thought about how he'd handled it and wished that Jason had been as levelheaded.

Chapter Ninety Two

My first night back at work was great. I arrived at 5:45 and found my clothes rack in the back. Technically it was spring now, but it was still cold, at least to me. The outfits reflected the change in seasons and my outfit for the evening was a light spring woman's skirt and matching jacket. I noticed that most of the outfits on the rack were pastels. I also had to get used to heels again.

Mel told me that we had a few weeks of slack time until the big push for the proms and formal dances. She added that they'd just received their big shipment and that it was being sorted in our warehouse. Once our shipment arrived, we would be swamped.

"Mrs. Lincoln makes it a big event. She will start it on a Saturday morning. The store will be closed on Friday so we can get everything ready. To build up the suspense, we even put up curtains so no one can see in. On Saturday morning, there'll a line all the way past the coffee stand waiting for her to open the store. It'll be hectic, but a lot of fun," explained Mel.

"I'm looking forward to it!" She told me the dates that prom sales would start. I was relieved that it would be the weekend after the fashion show.

"Besides, you'll get first pick. Are you are going to the prom?" she asked.

Mel knew that I was dating Laura. She thought we made a cute couple.

"Yes, we've talked about it. Laura wants to get her dress here too."

"That's good. I'm glad that she won't be wearing a tux," quipped Mel.

"Maybe I'll be in the one in a tux, have you thought of that?" I stated.

Mel just started laughing. "I'm sorry, Erika, I just can't picture that!"

Chapter Ninety-Three

"Here you go, Erika," said Mrs. Roberts as she handed me the doll. "Now you are responsible for its care from now until Monday morning. Treat this as you would a real baby."

She attached the main key to my wrist and showed me how to insert it. Whenever the baby cried and vibrated, we were to insert the key. Our response time would be recorded. She told us that sometimes we might go several hours between the need to put the key in, and other times we'd have to insert it several times in an hour. The key represented feeding, changing, attention, etc. She also told us not to drop or toss the doll, as that would be detected and recorded. She also gave me a temporary key that could be used by someone acting as a baby sitter. It could only be used for a maximum of eight hours. That would cover me during my group session and work.

We were given a car seat type baby holder to carry it around. I knew that this would be a very long weekend.

I got lucky at first. The baby didn't need any attention for the first two hours at school. The first time it started to cry, it startled me so badly that I almost dropped it. It was supposed to sound like a month old child, but it sounded more like a cat in heat - make that a robot cat in heat. It was loud and very annoying.

Coach Chambers let me stay in her office during PE. I spent my class time entering track data into her computer. I was looking forward to helping her after school. She understood that I was limited in my hours. I would help out on Wednesdays and Fridays starting next week. She also asked if I could be flexible once the meets started. I said I'd see what I could do.

The class was playing basketball and Coach Chambers came in and asked how I was doing.

"No problems, I'm up to entering in this week's times."

"You have no idea how much this helps me. So, has Robo-baby been peaceful?" she asked.

I laughed. "That's a good name. I was tempted to call it 'smoke detector'."

"By the way, how do you like Jenny McCall?" she asked.

"She's been a lifesaver. First after the assault, then the trial and my collapse, and now she is helping with my transition."

"She is something. We trained together during college, I'll bet you didn't know that?" asked Coach.

"She mentioned that she knew you, but she didn't go into any details. I can tell she's a runner. We ran together a couple of times while I was recovering."

"Jenny was really good. She could have been a top marathon runner, if she hadn't gone into medicine," explained Coach.

Just then Robo-baby began to screech. I picked it up and inserted the key.

"Sorry."

"That's okay," smiled Coach.

"She was that good?" I asked.

"You bet. I have to go back out there. Have a good weekend."

I suspected that she wanted to tell me something else.

Robo-baby went off two more times that morning. By the time I got to lunch, I was really sick of that screech.

"You are calling your child 'Robo-baby'?" asked Laura with mock disgust.

"That's mild! Wait until you hear it go off at 3:00 AM. I won't tell you what I called mine," growled Kristen.

"I like the name," concurred Tracey. "It's very fitting for the little beast."

"Actually, Coach Chambers christened it." I went on to tell them what happened during PE.

"You still want to go out tonight with it?" asked Cat.

"Sure, we're just meeting the gang for pizza. Guido's is used to us disrupting the place, and we haven't been kicked out... yet."

"What time are you going there?" asked Kristen.

"Sevenish," Cat answered. "You want to join us?"

"I really would. I'll ask Alex and call you later," replied Kristen.

"What about you, Tracey?" I asked.

"Sounds good, it's been a while since we've all been together, besides if Alex is going somewhere Mike will have to follow!"

The rest of the school day was okay. The baby seemed to go into quiet mode for two-hour windows. I knew that this was too good to be true.

When I got home, it went off several times in the first hour. I must admit that calling the doll "it" and "Robo-baby" doesn't sound very nice, but it was very hard to get close to a screeching plastic doll.

I showed Mom how to insert the key. She said that she couldn't understand my displeasure, as it didn't look like it was that bad.

"Wait until it goes off," I answered.

Fifteen minutes later, it began to scream. I was pretty fast with the key. Mom walked into my room.

"Was that the smoke alarm going off?" she asked.

"No. That was your grandchild." I got a dirty look for that one.

Sam arrived just as I was leaving with Cat and Laura. He looked at the doll and smiled. "When did you start playing with dolls?"

"Mom will explain. It's a school project. Bye!"

Chapter Ninety-Four

As we drove to Guido's, Cat told us that Kristen, Alex, Tracey, and Mike would be joining us. In addition, to them Caroline and Paul were also meeting us there.

I sometimes felt bad that Cat wasn't dating someone. I asked her about it once and she told me that she really didn't mind. I knew that it wasn't for a lack of opportunities. Cat was constantly being asked out. She was just happy not being in a relationship.

Luckily, Robo-baby was well-behaved and only started screeching once and that was as we were walking in.

It was great just hanging out with friends. Everyone was full of conflicting emotions. We were excited that we had only had a few months until graduation, but at the same time there was a sense that something wonderful was coming to an end. Mike and Alex were both very excited. They had decided to go to State, even though they'd both had better offers individually.

Paul was surprising silent about the doll and me. He told us that if it was even half as hard as the pregnant day was, it would be awful.

I also got some questions about my job and when the prom sale would start.

"Have you seen the dresses yet?' asked Kristen excitedly.

"Not yet, but we'll be getting them into the store next week. I'll give you a review when I see them."

"Cool, I really love the gowns that your boss picks out," added Tracey.

Kristen invited us over to her house but I declined and went home early. I was afraid that the doll would start acting up, and I had to get up early in the morning for group. Cat said she'd give me a lift in the morning.

Chapter Ninety-Five

All I can say about my first night with Robo-baby was that it completely sucked! Yes, that's a crude word, but there are few other words that so completely describe what it was like. I think the longest continuous time I slept was maybe ninety minutes. It was like sleeping with an alarm clock set to go off at random times. That thing was a great pregnancy deterrent. I think it might have been different if it gave back any sort of emotion.

I was very happy to leave it with Mom when I went to group. But that was only two hours.

"So how was Robo? Did it behave?" I asked Mom as we came in.

"It hasn't made a peep," smiled Mom.

"Maybe the batteries died?" suggested Cat.

Just then it went off. "No such luck!" I exclaimed as I inserted the key.

We grabbed a couple of sodas and went upstairs, taking Robo with us.

"What do you think of Laura's offer?" asked Cat, as she sat on my bed.

"I don't know. It may sound strange, but it's like my mind has made the switch sexually. I'm flattered that she thinks so much of me, but it isn't that important to me. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, but I don't think you should be so quick to dismiss it. In less than a month you'll be on female hormones and testosterone blockers. Once you start on them, you will lose the ability to perform."

"I understand what will happen. I've been doing a lot of research online about hormones and their effects."

"Look, I'm not trying to talk you into something and neither is Laura. It's just that we want you to go into your transition without any regrets."

"I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I know that I'm lucky to have friends like you two."

"Oh, one more thing, I am not the hypothetical person that Laura talked about. You are very special to me, but I think that you and I together would make things way too complicated."

"That's true."

"You still love me, don't you?" she asked.

"Yes, but I know that it will never be. I'm content to have you as my best friend and reluctantly accept that that's as far as we will go. But I'll always hold a special place for you in my heart."

"I feel the same way. I just know that it would be a disaster if we ever got together. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. The minute I met you, I knew that we would be life-long friends. You are my sister and you know how close sisters are!"

"I can live with that." We sat there in silence.

Robo's screech broke the silence and almost sent me through the ceiling.

I quickly pushed the key in and shut it up. We looked at each other and broke up laughing.

"Anything new in your love life?" I asked.

"Maybe. I met someone on the trip to the crime lab."

"So, tell me about him," I asked.

"He's a college student, sophomore and we just hit it off. He's studying criminology and he wants to apply to the FBI after he graduates. He knows that I'm a high school senior and he doesn't mind. He's only two years older than me. We've been trading e-mails."

"Did you tell your mom?" I asked.

"Yes, she is a little concerned, but she trusts me. This is still in the early stages and it might not go anywhere."

"Does he have a name?" I asked.

"Yes, his name is Matt," she answered, with a smile.

For the next thirty minutes she told me all about him. He sounded nice. I even ignored the obvious dig that their names rhymed.

"He may come up here during spring break. I told him about you guys and he said that it sounds like I have some really cool friends."

"Did you tell him that your best friend is a transsexual, who's in a heavy relationship with your old lesbian girlfriend?" I asked with a big grin on my face.

"No, not in those exact words. You make it sound like one of those scandal TV shows," laughed Cat.

Laura called and asked what we were doing. Because of Robo, our options were limited. If they hate cell phones in the movie theaters, they'd ban us for life if Robo went off. So Laura suggested that we rent a video and hang out. That was fine by me.

I really don't remember the video as I fell asleep once it started. I was jarred out of sleep by another screech. It would be another very long night.

Chapter Ninety-Six

That night was a repeat of the previous night. As I lay there awake I thought about how hard this would be for a single parent. I was even more impressed with Mom. I thought about the monumental responsibility that went with having a child. While it was true that I couldn't become pregnant, there was the possibility that I could become a mother some day, through adoption or something like that. It was a dose of reality that made me think. Part of me wondered what it would be like and whether I could do as good a job as Mom had done. I gained a whole new appreciation for this little assignment.

I got my second - or was that third or fourth, wind by the time I got to work. I actually felt a little guilty leaving it alone with Mom. Cindy got a lot of laughs out of my descriptions of Robo. She said that being married didn't necessarily mean that the load was eased. She said that she'd gotten up every night for their first baby, but she'd insisted that her husband help more with the next two. Mel said that she was in no hurry to get pregnant. She did tell us that she and Cliff were getting more serious. Cindy asked when were they getting married. Mel smiled and said not that serious.

I got home and Mom told me that Robo had only gone off twice. She also said that Terri had invited us for dinner.

We had a nice dinner. I always felt at ease when I was with Terri and Cat. Robo only interrupted us once. Cat made me bring the photos taken when I was pregnant. Terri became hysterical laughing at the pictures of me pregnant.

"I'm so happy that I can provide entertainment for my friends."

"Is this the last big hurdle with child development?" asked Terri, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Yes, from here on it's just easy stuff like tests and papers."

My last night with Robo was similar to the others. I needed a weekend to recover from my weekend!

Chapter Ninety-Seven

I eagerly returned Robo to Ms. Roberts. Everyone else had a similar look of exhaustion and relief on their faces. She commented on how haggard we all looked. She was amused by the nickname Robo-baby. The only thing left was to write a report on our experiences.

With Robo behind me, I looked at the upcoming week. Mr. Kline confirmed that it would be this Friday that I'd be talking to his classes on my trial. I sat down with him and we discussed my lecture. He made a few suggestions, but otherwise he felt it was very good.

Wednesday, I helped Coach Chambers for the first time. I must admit that I missed not being able to compete. Still, it was fun helping. Rachael said now that I was back she knew that they would have a great season. Basically, I was a glorified secretary. I recorded and collected data for Coach. I had a clipboard, whistle, and stopwatch, but my main job was to record data. I didn't mind, as it was another step towards recovery.

Our Thursday group meeting was good. The flap caused by Debbie had passed. Since we were no longer the seven, it was up to Caroline to come up with the next nickname. Everyone seemed to like "The Super Six."

There were only two weeks left until the fashion show. A woman from the show came in and took our photos and measurements. She was a little put off by Denise and her tattoos. While the specifics were still held back, we did learn that there would be three wardrobe changes. One outfit was described as casual and the other two were supposed to be more formal. We were promised that there would be no bathing suits!

I noticed that Lisa was still more quiet than normal. I sat next to her while the others were getting measured.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She looked at me and gave me a small smile. "Is it that obvious?"

"Well, you have seemed a bit down the last few weeks. If you want to talk about it, I'm a good listener."

"Thanks. I may call you later."

I didn't press her any more. I wondered what was up.

During lunch I told everyone about the fashion show. Laura and Kristen were a bit jealous.

"I can't believe that you get to wear nicer clothes than me," moaned Laura with a laugh.

"Well, maybe you should talk to Ms. B. They might need a few more models for the show."

Kristen and Laura looked at each other. "I just might do that," stated Laura.

Cat then brought up the topic of my lecture. Mr. Kline had told me that he was getting a lot of requests for other students to attend. He asked if I would mind if more students were let in. I didn't mind. To be honest, it was a bit of an ego boost to hear that so many people wanted to hear me speak.

"So, do you know how many people will be there tomorrow?" asked Cat.

"Well, not exactly. I know that Mr. Kline said that it could be close to 200."

"Are you nervous?" asked Laura.

"A little, but it can't be worse than being cross-examined."

"Well, they say that one way to feel more at ease is to picture the audience in their underwear," said Kristen.

"Yes, but the trick is not to picture yourself the same way," added Cat.

We all broke out laughing. I asked them if they were coming. They promised to be in the front row and to be wearing clean underwear.

Chapter Ninety-Eight

When I got home from work, Mom said that I had a message from someone named Lisa. I thanked her and took the number and called her up.

There was some initial small talk until Lisa came to the real reason why she wanted to talk to me.

"Please, don't take this the wrong way, I fully support what you are going through but this is more about me. I just have been wondering if this has all been worth it. I know that for you and Caroline it's a bit different. But I have been thinking that my memories of my senior year of high school will revolve around dressing like a girl. I didn't expect this to go on the whole year."

"You thinking of dropping out?" I asked. I was slightly stunned by this revelation. Lisa usually seemed so steady and calm.

"I don't know. I really want a shot at the scholarship and to drop out at this point would make what I've done this school year kind of pointless. I mean if I'm going through this all year, I should at least reap the rewards."

"Have you talked to Ms. B about your feelings?" I asked.

"Not yet. Do you think I should?" she asked.

"Absolutely! She is very understanding. I'm sure she'll be very helpful."

"If you were in my shoes, what would you do?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. But if your main goal was to win the scholarship, then I would stay. I don't think anyone worth having as a friend wouldn't understand why you did this."

We talked for twenty more minutes. She told me that she would talk to Ms. B before she made any decision. We did talk about one last thing.

"What do you think will happen if we all make it to the end of the year? Do you think that we will all get a scholarship or will we share it?" asked Lisa.

"I don't know, maybe we should bring that up at the next meeting."

"Good idea. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm looking forward to hearing you speak!"

I talked to Mom about what Lisa had told me. I hadn't really thought of the problems and issues than the non-transgendered students were going through. I was too wrapped up in my own issues. I know, how shocking, a teenager being self-absorbed!

Mom agreed that it would be very difficult for someone like Lisa. There was also the perception that she might actually be transgendered and in denial.

"There is also the issue of the family and loved ones. It could be very overwhelming. Look at that boy, Dan, you told me about!"

"Well, Ms. B said that our class was breaking a lot of new ground and they would be making changes to the program."

"Don't get me wrong, I think the basic idea of this competition is commendable. I used to think that where we lived was pretty liberal and accepting. I work with many Central High grads and they are much more open-minded than people I worked with in San Diego. Well, you have a big day tomorrow, I think you should get to bed."

We hugged each other and I went to bed. I thought about what Mom had said. The scholarship contest sure seemed to have long reaching effects.

Chapter Ninety-Nine

I took special care getting dressed that morning. I wanted everything to look perfect. I went with a white long sleeve blouse and a green and blue plaid skirt. I also wore my favorite black boots. As I did my makeup, I noticed that my scar was looking better. It was still noticeable, but it was fading.

Mom thought I looked very distinguished! I just hoped that I didn't make a fool out of myself.

Before school, I met Mr. Kline in the auditorium and he showed me how to work the projector. He had helped me prepare a few Power-Point slides. I would be explaining the process of a criminal trial, and of course I'd be including my own experiences. The second hour would be open for questions. There was also a camera set up to videotape the proceedings. He told me to relax and enjoy myself.

I was excused from homeroom so I could review my notes and try not to faint. Well, maybe I wasn't that nervous. Thankfully, there was a podium that I could hide behind.

I was sitting off to the side when everyone began to arrive. I was pleased to see Mrs. Lee and Ms. B as they entered. Once everyone was seated, I tried to estimate the crowd. I think it was around three hundred, as a lot of other teachers had brought their classes.

Mr. Kline gave me an introduction and explained what would be happening. He asked that all questions be held until the second hour. He looked over at me and motioned me to come over. Somehow, my legs worked and I approached the podium. I was very moved by the reception. I only hoped that I lived up to their expectations.

I described the criminal process from the gathering of evidence to the sentencing. I explained how the system was a balance between preserving the rights of the defendant and ensuring that justice was served. I did get a bit opinionated when I talked about the cross- examination of the victim, especially during a sexual assault case.

The second hour, I opened it to questions. Mr. Kline had a microphone and he walked around to get the question. Afterward, I told Mr. Kline that he should host a show.

There were several great questions. I was asked about the evidence collection phase while I was in the ER.

"Well, I was a little out of it, but I knew that it had to be done. The policewoman who did the collection was very sympathetic and was specially trained to deal with victims of sexual assault. I'm glad she was there as it contributed to my attacker being brought to justice."

I was aware that many in the crowd knew Jason and some still considered him their friend. I tried not to get too personal with my statements.

Another questioner asked me to talk more about my testimony and cross- examination. They also asked about being coached for being on the stand.

"I think that the coaching and preparation was vital. It helped me tell my story in more detail, and much more clearly and concise. I wasn't told what to say, just how to say it. They told me to be very truthful, as any lie would be used to discredit my testimony."

"How did you feel about the way the defense attorney portrayed you and then cross-examined you?" asked a female student.

"Looking back, I understand that he was just trying to get his client off. However, in the case of a victim of sexual assault it kind of felt like being attacked all over again. I took it very personally. He had no proof to support the things he said about me, yet because it was said in court and printed in the paper some people believed it. It's not hard to understand why many victims of this sort of crime don't want to press charges."

"Did your being in the scholarship contest and the fact that you're really a guy have any part in the trial?" asked a male student.

There were a few heads turning to see who asked the question and there were also a few people booing.

"Excuse me everyone, but it's a legitimate question. Actually gender plays no part in the legal sense. Sexual assault is sexual assault, regardless of the gender of the victim or the defendant. Yes, my being in the contest and being transgendered did become an issue, especially in the defense's case. But as far as the DA and the judge were concerned, I was still entitled to have the crime against me prosecuted. This hasn't always been the case and in many areas crimes against transgendered victims are handled poorly."

I saw Cat grinning in the front row and I wondered what she found so amusing.

"Erika, would you explain what the defense was trying to prove in their case, especially the part that about attack being provoked?" asked Ms B.

She had asked me ahead of time if she could ask me that question, so I wasn't caught off guard.

"Well, it's a popular defense when the person attacked or killed is gay or transgendered. They call it the 'gay panic' defense. The defense claims that the defendant was so shocked by the behavior of the victim that they snapped. In my case they admitted that Jason was with me, but claimed it wasn't rape, and that it was only afterwards that he discovered I was male and then he freaked out. They claimed that his reaction was normal and that anyone would do the same thing."

"You mean that sort of crap works?" blurted out Mike. There was a round of laughs.

I held back a snicker. "It has been used a lot and in some cases it has resulted in lesser charges or acquittal. However, for it to work you need a jury that shares those beliefs. Defense lawyers often try something similar with women and attempt to show that they brought it on by their behavior of dress. The attacker claims that the woman's appearance caused him to assume she wanted to have sex. The sad part is that it makes the victim the guilty party, the defendant the victim, and relieves the defendant of their responsibility in the attack."

"We have time for one more question," said Mr. Kline.

I was asked about the sentencing and the statement process.

"I think that the ability to give a statement to the defendant and the court is very important. It allows you to speak your mind and free yourself of a lot of pent up emotions. However, I also think that great care needs to go into the statement. Mine was reviewed by several people as I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just a personal attack."

Mr. Kline came up on the stage, "I want to thank you all for coming here, and I want to thank Erika for being so forthcoming and honest with us."

There was a standing ovation. I felt rather embarrassed by it all, and I could feel myself blushing. I also felt relieved that I was able to get through this and that it was so well received.

As people were leaving, Mr. Kline told me what a good job I had done. I told him that I felt exhausted but at the same time exhilarated. He smiled knowingly. He told me that he'd give me a copy of the tape.

During lunch everyone told me what a good job I had done.

"I was impressed with how professionally you handled the questions about Jason. I would have trashed him if I were in your place," exclaimed Tracey.

"The idea crossed my mind, but I decided to stay on the high road."

Cat leaned over and smiled. "I'm impressed with how you so calmly outed yourself in front of the whole school."

She was right, without really thinking about it, I had told everyone there that I was transgendered. Only a handful of friends had known the truth before today. I knew many others suspected that I might be transgendered, but I had just removed all doubt.

"That wasn't planned," I said softly. I was kicking myself internally. I had been identified as transgendered in the trial, but that was different.

"Planned or not, there is no backing away now. Still, I think it was wonderful. We are all proud of you and will stand by you no matter what happens," commented Cat.

"I agree with Cat," Laura concurred, as she took my hand.

"Look, Erika, it isn't that shocking and your friends will stick with you," added Kristen.

"Thanks," I said. I wondered if this would affect my standing in the scholarship. Should I talk to Ms. B or just hope that she didn't catch what I said? I decided to talk to her.

Chapter One-Hundred

I stopped by Ms. B's office after school. I was a little nervous. I wasn't sure what her reaction was going to be. She had me sit down.

"First, let me say that you did a great job this morning. I was very proud of you."

"Thanks. This morning is part of the reason why I'm here."

She was smiling knowingly at me. "I was expecting this visit."

"I didn't plan on telling the school that I'm transgendered, it just came out," I apologized nervously.

"Yes, it did, but in case you are worried, I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. I expect to receive a few phone calls, but nothing more serious. You have seen experts and you have documented proof of your status. I don't see why this should be a problem. Besides if this was a secret, it was one of the worst kept secrets in Central High's history. I must say that I was very impressed with the matter of fact way you said it."

"Actually, it didn't hit me until Cat mentioned it to me at lunch," I replied meekly.

"What else is on your mind?" she asked.

"Does this change my status as far as the scholarship is concerned?" I asked. I anxiously bit my lower lip.

She smiled and shook her head. "There's nothing in the rules that would disqualify you. I imagine that it may cause future rule changes, but that won't affect you or any other student this year."

I sat there and breathed a sign of relief. I then looked at Ms. B. "I've caused you a lot of extra work this year!"

"Yes, you have, but you've helped make this the best year ever for the competition. There will be changes in next year's contest. All to make it better for the contestants."

"You mean like what happened with Dan?"

"Yes. Your class is entering uncharted waters. We need to pay attention to the needs of all the contestants."

"What will happen this year if all of us make it to the end?" I asked.

"That is still being discussed. Don't worry about it. This is the end of March and we still have over two months of school left. A lot can happen between now and the end of school."

"Has Lisa talked to you yet today?" I asked.

"Yes, she has. We had a long talk this morning. She told me that it was your suggestion that she see me. Thank you for doing that. She'll be fine. We expected this to happen as the competition goes on."

"That's great. Can I ask you a personal question?" I asked.

She smiled. "Within reason."

"How did you decide that you wanted to do this job?" I asked.

"I started off as a teacher and found that I'd rather spend time helping students than teach science."

"I see, so will you be staying here?" I asked. There was a rumor that she was leaving at the end of this year.

"Yes, I've heard the rumors myself. Don't worry, those rumors are false. But I may be in a new job. Mrs. Lee wants me to become an assistant principal here next fall."

"Do you want to do that?" I asked.

"Well, my ultimate goal is to be a principal, so it would be a great career move. I haven't decided yet."

"I think you'd be a great principal!"

"Thank you, Erika."

I walked out of there much more relaxed.

I went to the locker room and changed so I could help Coach. It actually felt nice outside. Most of the snow was gone. There were still patches in the shady areas and of course the mountains of black dirty snow at the end of the parking lots. The ground wasn't frozen solid anymore, and the grass was turning green again. While we were out on the track, Coach pointed out some robins to me.

"I guess growing up in San Diego that doesn't hold as much significance to you, but when the robins arrive we know that spring is here."

I watched the brown birds with the red breasts hop across the football field. There was something joyful about it. It was good that spring was finally here.

I had a few things on my mind as I watched and recorded practice times. We had spring break coming up. Next week we had school and the following week we were off. There was also the fashion show, which was the following weekend. The Monday during break I had an appointment with my endocrinologist and I would be starting hormones. And then there was the prom sales kick off that weekend. That would take us well into April. Then there was the Prom on the third weekend of May, followed by finals three weeks later, and then graduation. It didn't seem possible that school would be over so soon.

Chapter One-Hundred-One

Friday evening I went out with Laura again. We headed down to Spencer's again. I was getting very fond of that coffeehouse. It was fun being seen as a regular. It was also very special to Laura as she was much more relaxed there. I know she was still dealing with some issues, but then again who wasn't?

"What do you do when you see someone you recognize here?" I asked, as we sat down on the couch.

"It depends. If it's someone from school then it depends on how they react when they see you. Sometimes there is 'mutual amnesia' and neither person acknowledges the other. There are other students at Central who are out and some that are still in the closet more or less. I respect their privacy if they want to pretend they don't know me. For the most part, most people know that this is a safe haven."

"If they come here, how far in the closet are they?" I asked as I sipped my cappuccino.

"Golden Hill is far more tolerant than most of this area. They aren't that worried about their reception here in town. Some people are wary of being 'too out' because they might not be as well received in other areas. You're lucky that you pass so well. There are have been some bad incidents in the past."

"Cat mentioned that there was something that happened a few years ago with Red Hill. All she told me was that the football team retaliated for something done to some of the contestants."

Laura put down her cup. "It happened our freshman year. Three of the contestants stopped at a fast food restaurant up near Red Hill. They were attacked by a bunch of guys from the Red Hill High football team. They beat them up in the parking lot and then they stripped them naked. They nailed their wigs and bras on the outside of the press box at their stadium, like trophies of war."

"Why didn't the police get involved?" I asked.

"Their police department said it was just a high school prank. So our team decided to take justice into their own hands and they decided to raid Red Hill. The goons who did the attack were wearing school jackets, so our guys had a good idea of who to look for. They went up there and tracked them down at some local joint and beat them up. Then later that night, they went by Red Hill High and removed the "war trophies" and replaced them with the jackets of the guys they beat up."

"What happened after that?"

"Both schools met and discussed ways to prevent a repeat of a similar incident. No one ever got in trouble from the incident, although it did create some real bad feelings between our schools," explained Laura.

"You know that Ms. B's nephew was in on the raid. Well, he didn't exactly admit to taking part in it, but he didn't deny it either."

"No one ever admitted to being in on it, but everyone knew who did it. From what I heard, Tom Bell was the leader of the group that went up to Red Hill."

"Do you fail to acknowledge anyone in here now?" I asked, shifting the conversation back to the original topic.

"No, there's no need for it. Everyone in school knows that I am out. Besides I'm proud of who and what I am. I would like to help others going through the same process that I went through."

I leaned over and kissed her.

"Have you ever run into anyone other than a student that you've known?" I asked.

"Just Coach Chambers. I know, it's a stereotype that the girls' gym teacher is a lesbian, but she is really cool. She makes it very clear that she keeps her personal life distant from her students."

"I guess I am pretty clueless about those sort of things. I've been too caught up in my own life to really look at others."

"Don't worry about that. You've had enough on your mind this year. I saw her here a couple of times before I had the guts to talk to her. She helped me a lot like Ms. B helped you."

"It's nice that you had someone to talk to."

"Yes, she has helped quite a few girls with similar issues."

We finished up a second cup and then walked back to the car. Mom was dating Sam again, so we went back to my house to make out a little.

Chapter One-Hundred-Two

We were lying together on the family room couch, watching TV. It felt good being in Laura's arms. I was very content being with her. It's hard to put down in words, but it just felt right. I would have killed to be with a girl as wonderful as Laura back in San Diego, and I probably would have ruined it by trying to get into her pants. I would have wanted to prove that I was a real man. But as I accepted my true nature and adjusted my frame of mind, the idea of having sex with her as a guy became unthinkable.

"You know that hypothetical offer you made me?" I asked.

"Yes?"

"Well, don't worry about it. I appreciate your offer, but the more I thought about it, the less important it seems. Besides I couldn't do it before when I was a seen as a boy; now I'd be trying to act like a boy to be with someone who doesn't mean anything to me. It is just too complicated and unimportant to me."

Laura reached up and gently ran her hand across my face.

"I believe 100% that my decision to transition is the right thing to do. I truly appreciate that you think so much of me to make this offer, but let's just forget it, okay?"

"I was hoping you'd say that," she replied and we began to kiss.

"I'd better get going, it's almost 11:00 and I promised my mom that I'd be home early!"

"I understand. Oh, I almost forgot, do you think that your parents would come here for dinner? Nothing fancy, just a few steaks on the grill," I asked.

"Sure, sounds like fun. When do you have in mind?" she asked.

"Tomorrow? It would give them less time to come up with an excuse not to do it," I joked.

"Will your mom agree?" asked Laura.

"It was her idea," I said.

"Cool, I'll call you about it tomorrow. I think this will be so much fun."

I waited up and told Mom that Laura would ask her parents about dinner.

"I wish that you'd given them more heads up time," smiled Mom.

"I think that it'll be better if they have less time to say no. Besides, the next few weeks are pretty busy between Easter and spring break."

"Well, I have everything if they agree."

"Cool! How was your date?" I asked.

"Good. No, make that great. He asked me if I want to go to Philadelphia for a weekend with him in May. He has a conference there and he wants me to go with him."

"I hope you said yes!" I answered.

"You won't mind being alone?" she asked.

"You can have Terri check up on me if you want. I think this is so cool!"

"Okay, I'll tell him yes. Thank you for being so understanding,"

"I'm just happy you are happy," I answered. "Besides, you have put up with me all year!"

Chapter One-Hundred-Three

When I got home from group, I called up Laura and asked her if her parents had accepted the invitation for dinner.

"You won't believe this but they said yes!" exclaimed Laura.

"Wow. That's pretty cool!"

"I was stunned when they said that they were looking forward to meeting your mom."

"I can't wait to tell her. By the way Sam is going to be here too. Mom invited him, just in case your parents said no."

"I can't wait to see him again. I only met him when I was giving my statement during your trial" replied Laura.

"He is incredible. I really think that he's getting serious with Mom. I'm so happy about it."

I went on to tell her that they were going to Philadelphia in May.

"We'll be there around 6:00."

We said good-bye and I went and told Mom.

I spent the rest of the morning cleaning the house. Mom called Sam and he willingly agreed to cook the steaks on the grill that night. Mom planned on keeping dinner simple. The dinner would be steak, baked potato, green beans, salad, and cheesecake for desert. Laura had told us that cheesecake was her dad's favorite.

I decided to wear my long denim skirt and a red sweater. The weather was cloudy and cool, but it looked like the rain would hold off until later. I was really looking forward to warmer weather.

Around 5:30, Sam arrived. I got a thrill out of seeing him and Mom kiss when he walked in. They really seemed to be in love.

"Hi, Erika," Sam greeted as he gave me a hug.

"Hi, Sam, thanks for coming."

"Are you nervous?" he asked, as he placed a bottle of red wine on the kitchen counter. Mom had opened the fridge and pointed to a beer and he nodded.

"Yes, a little," I replied. That was a lie. I was very nervous. This was far worse than when I had met Paul's family.

"So, what can you tell us about Laura's parents," he asked as he took a sip of his beer.

"Both her parents are in real estate. Mr. Adams owns the agency, and Mrs. Adams still works in sales." I was sitting down at the kitchen table cutting up the beans for dinner.

"Oh, I've heard of him," nodded Sam. "Phil Adams is one of the biggest realtors in the area."

"Nothing through work, I hope," quipped Mom, with a laugh.

I gave Mom a mock dirty look.

Sam laughed. "No, I know someone who bought a house from him. Still, do you want me to check up on him?"

"Great idea, maybe we can have the police come by and rough them up too!" I added.

Sam looked at me and took out his cell phone. "What time do you want them here?"

I just rolled my eyes. Actually, I was really enjoying this. I'd never liked most of the guys Mom dated. Sam already felt like family. I began to fantasize about what it would be like to have him as a father.

Sam went out and started up the grill. Everything was ready, all we needed were the Adams to arrive.

Chapter One-Hundred-Four

A little after six, I heard a car pull into the driveway. I walked over and saw it was Laura and her parents. I had met her mom several times and while she was a bit distant, she was at least friendly. Her dad was a different story. He always seemed to be busy when I came over. I was hoping that it wouldn't be a repeat of the verbal battle that I'd had with Paul's dad.

I met them at the door and welcomed them in. Mom and Sam came out of the kitchen and we all introduced ourselves.

I could feel Laura's parent's glares when Laura kissed me. She had told me that she had no intention of hiding her affection for me. Mrs. Adams brought flowers and I found a vase to put them in.

There was some initial tension as we sat down in the living room. I would have preferred to stay in the kitchen, but Mom said that was a bit too casual.

There was some harmless small talk as we sat there. It was too nice and too phony. It took Sam to break the ice.

"I have to put the steaks on the grill, you want to join me, Phil?" he asked.

"Sure sounds good," he answered and they got up and left for the deck.

That allowed Mom and Mrs. Adams to get social. They hit it off immediately. We soon migrated into the kitchen to finish getting dinner ready. We could hear Sam and Phil laughing out on the deck.

"So, Jill, how long have you and our charming DA been dating?" asked Mrs. Adams as she checked on the beans.

"Just a few weeks, Sue," replied Mom.

"Well, you make a lovely couple," she commented.

Laura and I went into the dining room and set the table. We felt that it was going okay so far. But Laura was still worried about her dad, as he seemed to be ignoring me. We also wondered when our relationship would come up. We took our time setting the table, as we wanted them to have some time alone.

Dinner went well. Everyone was nice to each other, although I was waiting for something to happen. I doubted that the issue of Laura and I would slip by the whole night. Mr. Adams kept looking over at Laura and I and giving us strange looks.

It was during dessert that something happened that shocked me and just about everyone else there. Mr. Adams stated that he needed to say something. I braced myself for the worst and I felt Laura take hold of my hand.

"When Laura first told us that she... preferred girls, I was, to put it mildly, shocked. I initially thought that it was just a phase that she was going through and that she would grow out of it. Then this year she told us that she was dating you, Erika. We knew that she was friends with you from school and that you were in the scholarship contest. But when she told us that you weren't just a contestant, but that you were going to have a sex change, it was too much. I thought she was doing it just to make me angry. I wanted nothing to do with you. I thought that if I ignored you that eventually she would wise up and meet someone that would make her really happy." He paused for a moment and took a drink of his coffee.

I glanced over at Laura and could tell that she was just as nervous.

He put down his cup. "I realize now how wrong I've been. She has met someone who makes her happy. Erika, you are a remarkable young woman, and if you make Laura happy then who am I to say that it is wrong. Laura, I'm so sorry that I've been so closed-minded. Can you forgive me?"

I thought I was in some TV movie. I kept waiting for the sappy music to start. But this was real. Laura went over and hugged and kissed her dad. I could see that she was crying.

The rest of the evening was wonderful. The Adams stayed until almost midnight, and we were all sorry to see them leave. They invited us to dinner the following weekend.

While we cleaned up, I looked over at Mom. "Did that really happen, or is this some strange dream?"

"I'm not sure, ask me in the morning," said Mom. "When Phil started with his little confession I was ready to jump in and blast him for being a closed-minded ass. I found that I had to push those feelings away when he told everyone how wrong he had been."

"Me too."

"That makes three of us," added Sam.

When we finished, I said goodnight and left them alone. It was one of the most remarkable nights in my life.

Chapter One-Hundred-Five

Sunday, I was at work when Mrs. Lincoln came by. It was rare for her to stop by on the weekend, other than a special occasion. I saw her talking to Cindy on her way back to her office. Cindy waved me over to her.

"Mrs. Lincoln wants to see you in her office."

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

"No, in fact it's something good. Now, don't keep her waiting," stated Cindy, who had a big grin on her face.

I walked over and knocked on her office door. No matter how many times I went into her office, I always felt a little intimidated.

"Please come in, Erika," ordered Mrs. Lincoln. "Take a seat, please."

I sat down and waited for her to speak.

"I just had a lovely visit with your mother. I needed to ask her something before I talked to you. I have to go on a short business trip to New York City during your spring break. I would like to take you along as my assistant. We would leave on Monday and be back by Friday. This is work and not a vacation. Would you like to go?" she asked.

I sat there and felt a big stupid smile forming on my face. "I would love to, Mrs. Lincoln. Thank you so much."

"Wonderful! Well, you get back to work, dear, and I'll tell you more later."

I excused myself and went back out to work.

Cindy was waiting for me. "I told you it was something good. I've gone with her a few times and have always enjoyed myself."

"You will have a wonderful time. I went with her a couple of years ago," concurred Mel. "We even went to a Broadway show."

I was walking on air and the rest of the day flew by. I couldn't believe my good luck.

When I got home, I was so excited. Mom thought it was a great opportunity and totally approved of me going.

"Mrs. Lincoln obviously thinks very highly of you."

I also thought that my being out of town might speed up the romance between Mom and Sam.

I couldn't wait to tell both Laura and Cat. They were both very envious.

"I don't get it, you get to work in the fanciest store in town, you get to be in a fashion show, and now you get to spend a week in the city, it's so unfair!" joked Laura.

"I'm just lucky I guess!"

Chapter One-Hundred-Six

The week before spring break was hectic. I had several big things to worry about besides just class. I would be seeing the endocrinologist that week. Mom had been able to get my appointment moved up from the following week.

Caroline told me he was very cool. She said that he saw what we were doing as a medical issue that needed to be treated. She told me she'd have to see him every three months as a precaution. I was very excited to see him.

Then there was the fashion show. Saturday was practice and Sunday would be the show. I was pretty excited about it, even though I had no idea of what we'd be wearing. I trusted Ms. B and knew that she wouldn't let us be humiliated.

But what was really dominating my thoughts was the trip to New York. Mrs. Lincoln said that she would tell me more about the trip this week at work. I felt very honored that Mrs. Lincoln invited me. I knew she really didn't need an assistant, but I would do whatever she asked me to do.

I had to admit that I didn't know a lot about Mrs. Lincoln. Yes, I knew she was a successful businesswoman, but I wasn't even sure about her real age. Judging by the pictures in her office I guessed that had to be in her seventies, even though she looked and acted much younger. I also had heard conflicting information on how many times she'd been married. Like most larger than life characters, there were so many rumors about her. I was hoping to find out a bit more about her on the trip.

Speaking of mysteries, I had consulted with Cat about who might be the third person about to go into transition.

There were only four others in the contest besides Caroline and I. It really wasn't my business, but I was curious. We sat down one evening and discussed who it might be. For each candidate, there were factors for and against their being the one who was transitioning. Cat then brought up something that I hadn't thought of; that was that maybe the third person wasn't a contestant. I didn't think was likely, but it did make me think.

Chapter One-Hundred-Seven

That evening at work I spent much of the time placing the prom gowns on hangers. They really were lovely and I could understand why the other girls at school made such a big fuss over them. However, they were also very expensive. I really couldn't justify spending that much money on a dress. Luckily, there were plenty of less expensive dresses that were also really nice. I was keeping a mental checklist of what was available. My friends at lunch were counting on me for inside information.

I narrowed my choices down to three or four selections. I tried to calculate the cost, including the dress, shoes, accessories, and my hair, and I saw that I'd be spending a lot of money. Still I wanted to look beautiful that night and debated on what was my upper limit.

I was eyeing several simple but elegant gowns. There was one style that I liked that was really nice. It had spaghetti straps and it came in several colors. I thought red was a bit over the top for me and looked more at the pastels. There was a very nice lavender one. I decided that I'd run my selections by Mel and Cindy.

Mrs. Lincoln called me into her office and told me more about the trip. We would be driving and it would be around a six-hour drive. The good part of this was that it meant six plus hours in a limo. Mrs. Lincoln didn't like to fly, and she wouldn't think of driving that far herself. She told me that since she had the money she might as well enjoy it, besides she could always claim it as a business expense.

We'd be staying in a top hotel in Manhattan overlooking Central Park. She said that we would be sharing a suite, but not to worry, we would each have our own room. She told me that as I would be representing the store, I would be expected to dress appropriately. She gave a list of what I would need to bring. I made a quick check and found that I had most of what she desired for during the day. It was my eveningwear that was lacking.

"Don't worry about the formal wear, my dear. I have some outfits from the store that you can borrow. In fact, I have already selected some for you."

She then went over our schedule. Monday and Friday were traveling days. The other days we would be visiting suppliers and making purchases for the store. She also said that we had two parties to attend. They were more business than social, but she promised that I'd have a wonderful time. She also said that she'd like to take in at least one Broadway show, depending on our schedule.

It all sounded wonderful to me. I knew she could sense my excitement.

"Since this is your first trip to New York, I think you should have a memorable visit."

She then dismissed me and sent me back to work. I think that I would have worked for free in exchange for the trip.

Chapter One-Hundred-Eight

Tuesday was my appointment with the endocrinologist. I had to be there at 9:00, so I didn't go to school in the morning. I'd have to go in afterwards. The staff in the doctor's office couldn't have been nicer. I underwent a physical and they drew blood. I also had to fill out a bunch of medical forms. The whole experience was a bit less dramatic that I had expected. The doctor just saw this as a medical condition and that it needed to be treated. We walked out of there with prescriptions for hormones and testosterone blockers. I also made a follow up appointment for three months. The nurse handed us a lab sheet. She told us that I'd need to come in a week in advance to get blood drawn.

I was a little worried about how we were going to pay for all this. Our medical program would only cover the appointments and not the prescriptions. Mom told me not to worry, that we would get by.

We stopped at the pharmacy and dropped off the prescriptions. Mom said that we would pick them up that afternoon after school. I was a little disappointed, as I wanted to start immediately.

I knew that the hormones would take time to cause noticeable changes. Mom also mentioned that Sam was picking up the necessary paperwork for my legal name change. It was another one of those real moments. This was really happening. I was moving towards being Erika legally. Mom explained that, once we filled out the request, it would have to go to the courts for approval.

I was riding a wave of euphoria the rest of the day. I was so happy. Laura said that I was too happy and was bordering on annoying, but I knew she was actually very happy for me.

That afternoon, I picked up my pills. Cat and Laura asked to be there when I took them for the first time. Of course, there was no immediate change or effect when I took the pills. Still, mentally I felt different. I was now entering a new phase in my life and it deserved to be noted with some sort of ceremony. We celebrated by going to Spencer's and having some cheesecake with our cappuccinos! It seemed very appropriate.

Chapter One-Hundred-Nine

Thursday, we had our latest contestant meeting. I was pleased to see that the Super Six was still intact. Lisa was returning to normal and didn't seem as depressed as before. She told me that Ms. B was helping her a lot, but she was still not sure what she was going to do. I hoped that she would stick it out to the end, but at the same time I wanted her to be happy.

Denise was her usual offbeat self. She told us that the Downfall of Humanity was now playing strictly classic punk and that they were working regularly in clubs down in the college area. I told her that I'd seen their handouts at Spencer's. However now they were playing clubs we were too young to go to. I was actually curious if they had really gotten better.

Claire was still quiet. I had hoped that her outburst a few weeks ago had marked a change in her personality. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't a recluse or anything because she was involved in school activities. She played the flute in the band. I was told that she was a wonderful musician and that she played several other musical instruments. I wish I had gotten to know her better.

Ann was also hard to figure out. I wouldn't have expected her to still be in the competition. She had been very open that she was in this strictly for the money. But she had long since paid off the money she owed her sisters. I asked her once why she was still in, and she'd said that it was because the scholarship gave her a ticket out of Golden Hill. But what didn't make sense was how excited she was about the fashion show. I was beginning to wonder if all her protesting was to hide something. Maybe she was the third one.

Ms. B came in and reminded us that there would be a practice session on Saturday from 11:00 to 3:00PM at the Civic Center. Now our town's civic center was slightly larger than most lodge halls. Still, it served its purpose. She told us that, in addition to being shown how to perform we would also be seeing our outfits for the first time.

"Who is going to be watching us?" asked Ann.

"Women from the Chamber of Commerce and associated women's groups. Of course, your mothers may attend too if they want," explained Ms. B.

"No men?" asked Lisa.

"None have ever shown up before," said Ms. B. "You'll be showing off summer and fall fashions. Some of the women there are in retail, others use these shows as a social event, and for others it's a fund raising event."

"Summer and fall?" asked Lisa, "But spring just started, why not spring outfits?"

"Stores need time to place orders," I explained.

"Whoa, I see that you are learning something at work," said Caroline.

"Well, I expect to see you all there at eleven sharp, and by the way lunch will be provided," stated Ms. B.

I walked out to talk with Ms. B. It was my time of the week for a private meeting.

"So, are you excited about going to New York City?" she asked as we entered her office.

"How do you know about that?" I asked. I had planned to tell her about it today.

"I have my ways," she answered with a sly smile.

I thought about pressing the point more, but figured that it was useless

We talked about how I was doing. I told her about starting hormones and the paperwork for the name change. She was very happy for me and also very proud of everything that I had overcome in the past year. Only a fool would have failed to notice that she had a special interest in my progress. At first I'd thought it was out of sympathy over my attack, but I could sense that it was much deeper than that. I decided to wait instead of asking her about it.

Chapter One-Hundred-Ten

Friday afternoon, I was working with Coach Chambers. We had a home track meet that afternoon, so I was kept busy. As much as I wanted to have been competing, I knew that I was in the right place. I really couldn't devote the time to practice and besides, these girls were really good. With my talent, at best I'd be struggling in the middle of the pack. I still ran to stay in shape, and I enjoyed it as a way of relaxing. I sometimes ran with the team just for fun.

After the meet, I was helping Coach enter data in the computer. I knew that Coach appreciated my help. She preferred coaching to the all the administration that went with the job.

"I will definitely miss you while you are away next week," smiled Coach. Even though it was break, the team would still be practicing.

"Well, I'll catch up on data entry when I get back."

"I didn't mean it that way. I think it is wonderful that you are going there, especially in style. The first time I went there was in college. We were there for a winter track meet. We were crammed four girls to a room," reminisced Coach.

"Was Jenny with you on that trip?" I asked.

"Yes, we still laugh about how small the room was. There was a double bed and two cots. You could barely walk in the room," she remembered with a laugh, "the rush to use the bathroom was comical."

"Have you been back there since?" I asked.

"Yes, a few times. Jenny was in the marathon a few years ago and I went up there with her. We stayed in much nicer accommodations, but not a suite."

"Jenny was in the New York Marathon? Wow!" I exclaimed.

"She's done more than just that one. She was in the Boston Marathon last year and several others over the years, and she even finished in the top 20 once," bragged Coach. I hear the pride in her voice as she rattled off Jenny's accomplishments. She mentioned that Jenny was debating sending in an entry for the Ironman Triathlon, as soon as she improved in her swimming.

I knew that Jenny was a pretty good athlete. When we ran during my recovery time, I could tell that she was just keeping the pace slow for my sake. I also wondered if they were just friends or was it something deeper. Not that it made any difference. It's just that I thought that they'd make a good couple.

"Have you ever been in a marathon?" I asked.

"No, I blew out my knee during college. It prevents me from getting into the kind of shape you need to run that distance."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Well, if it hadn't happened, I never would have gone into teaching. I was training for the Olympic trials when it happened. I had an outside shot at making the team and I was training really hard when I got hurt. The prognosis after the surgery wasn't good. I went through a long rehab and I knew that my real competitive days were over. My recovery forced me to reevaluate my life. I was able to get back in good enough shape to teach and coach, but not good enough to compete at a high level."

I sat there silent. I was searching for the right words.

"Don't get me wrong, I don't live in the past. I love teaching and coaching. I can't imagine doing anything else. Sometimes it takes time to know that you took the right path."

"Good advice," I replied quietly, thinking about the decisions that I was dealing with

"Look, Erika, I know that you've got some big things to deal with, you'll get through them. You are a great competitor and stronger than you think."

"Laura said that you were good to talk to," I replied, smiling at her.

"You two are good for each other." She then looked at the clock. "It's nearly six. Can I give you a ride home?" she asked.

"No, that's okay. Laura is meeting me, and we're going down to Spencer's."

"Nice place," she smiled. "Try their key lime pie the next time they have it, it's worth it, even if you have to run off its calories."

I said good-bye and she wished me a good trip to the city.

Chapter One-Hundred-Eleven

Sitting in our usual spot in Spencer's, I told Laura about my conversation with Coach Chambers. She was surprised that she had once been in training for the Olympics, but she wasn't surprised at the encouragement that I'd gotten from her.

"I told you that she was good."

Laura and I had the night to ourselves. Her parents had gone out with Mom and Sam. They wanted to have an adults-only night and we didn't mind.

"I still can't get over your father the other night." I took a forkful of the key lime pie. Coach was right, it was delightful.

"I'm still waiting for the aliens to return him and take away the double who's been living with us," laughed Laura. "Seriously, I am so happy that he is willing to try to accept me for who I am. He and Mom have actually contacted PFLAG about getting some literature!"

"I'm so happy for you." I offered her a taste of my pie.

"Oooh! That's good! I may have to go get some for myself."

"I'll miss you while I'm away," I sighed.

"I am so envious of you! I've always wanted to go to New York City."

"We can go together someday," I proposed.

We were both aware that soon after graduation we would be separated. We knew that it would be difficult to maintain a long distance relationship. But neither of us was willing to bring the topic up. It's true that we'd only be a five-hour drive away from each other, but even that was too long. So we made the most of the present.

"I hope that Cat's new boyfriend is still here when I get back. I really want to meet him," I remarked, changing the subject.

"So, are they really getting serious?" asked Laura.

"Yes, they trade e-mails daily. She seems to like him a lot."

"What does her mom think?" asked Laura.

"Cat said that she is supportive, but doesn't want Cat to get too involved until she is ready. I think it has something to do with her father. She told me that they got married in college and divorced two years later."

"Does Cat ever see her dad?" asked Laura, as she finished the last of my pie.

"She told me that she hasn't seen him since she was six - which is more than I can say."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to open old wounds," apologized Laura.

"You didn't. The man who fathered me wanted nothing to do with me or my mom. That's his loss," I explained.

"Do you think that Sam will ask your mom to get married?" asked Laura. She moved closer and put her arm around me.

"I hope so. I want Mom to be happy and I really like Sam. At first, it was because he was my white knight riding to my protection. But now he already seems like one of the family. I wouldn't mind him being around all the time." We kissed and I tasted the lime on her lips.

Just then Laura's cell phone rang. It was Cat, and she asked if we could meet her and Matt at Guido's. We agreed and said that we would be there in twenty minutes.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twelve

We caught up with them at the restaurant. Cat had told him all about both of us. He'd told her that he was anxious to meet us.

Matt was everything Cat had said that he was. He was 6-1, brown hair, blue eyes and had a charming smile. He was intelligent, well spoken but not at all stuffy. In some ways, he reminded me of a younger version of Sam. He was pretty cool about hanging out with three high school seniors.

After talking with him, I could see why Cat was so taken with him. In addition to the chemistry between them, they were also intellectual equals. Cat could talk to him about science and law, and he treated her as an equal when he responded. He also had a great sense of humor and could tell a great story. By the end of the evening we were all friends.

After dinner we split up. Cat said that she would be at the fashion show on Sunday with Terri and Mom. I told her that I'd see her then. We hugged and then Laura and I went back to her house.

We had hoped to be alone for a while. Laura kidded me that she wanted to check the progress of my four-day-old boobs! Unfortunately when we got to her home, we saw Sam's car parked next to her parents' car in the driveway. The lights were on and it was obvious that they were all back from dinner.

"We can keep driving and go to my house," I laughed.

We debated it for a second and then went in. They were of course happy to see us. Judging by the way they were acting, you'd have thought they had known each other for years. It was a little surreal. I rode back home with Mom and Sam. Mom told me that they'd had a wonderful time. She also said that we were having them over Sunday evening along with Terri, Cat, and Matt. That was cool, as I wanted to see everyone before my little trip.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirteen

Caroline picked me up in the morning and gave me a ride to group. She wanted to explore the campus area while she waited for me. We had a good session. I was beginning to feel that I no longer needed it. I knew that I would have to check with Jenny first. I felt that it had served its purpose and I was ready to move on. But I had a terrible track record when it came to making these decisions.

I was happy to share some time with Caroline. She and Paul were still deeply in love. I was happy for both of them.

We talked about hormones and transition and a little bit about the other four. She also wasn't sure about who the third might be. We both found it a bit strange that she hadn't come out like we had. For the most part we were totally accepted in school. Since I outed myself during the lecture, I'd had a lot of support from my classmates. I caught more grief for being in a lesbian relationship with Laura than being TS. I found that kind of ironic.

Oh, there were classmates who were apathetic towards the other contestants and me, but they didn't bother us. Some felt that there was too much attention given to the contestants and some felt that it was a distraction. Others didn't like the grief that they got from friends in other schools. In some ways I sympathized with them, still they were getting a lesson in diversity. Thankfully, the school's code of conduct was strictly enforced and the only harassment had been from Jason and his cronies.

Caroline asked me if we were going to the prom together and I said absolutely. Thankfully, she didn't make the tux crack that others had made. She also told me that Paul's and her cartoon had been selected as a finalist in a national student competition. If they win it would mean a $2,000.00 scholarship prize. Of course they'd have to share it, but it would be a great honor and a nice thing to have on a resume. I wished her good luck.

We arrived at the Civic Center and parked. We were nearly an hour early and we decided to go in anyway.

The early bird may get the worm, but the early arrival gets her nails done before everyone else! We were each given a complete manicure while we waited for the others to arrive. They had two stations set up, and the others would have to wait until later. I must admit that I really love being pampered! In addition, they had a small buffet set up for us.

The practice was pretty simple. We were shown how to walk up and down the ramp. The hard part for some of the contestants was doing it in heels. Thankfully, I'd a lot of practice due to work. They even had me show some of the others how to walk in them. Amazingly, Denise was also a natural! This was almost unbelievable due to her size. She was surprisingly graceful.

After we practiced, they broke us up. Ann and Claire were next to get their nails done and the rest of us were taken away to try on our outfits. Originally, we were only going to model three outfits, but due to our decreased numbers that was increased to five outfits each. My first two were nothing special. I guess that the outfits I wore at work spoiled me. Don't get me wrong, they were nice, but they were not up to Mrs. Lincoln's standards. The first was a summer suit and the other was a fall suit. The summer one was a light tan dress and matching jacket. The fall outfit was a dark navy skirt and matching jacket with a silk blouse.

The next one was more interesting. It was pink and had a floral design done in sequins. It was very flowing and feminine. I loved the way it felt.

In between outfits, Ms. B came up to me with an older woman.

"Erika, this is Mrs. Craig. She is in charge of this fashion show," introduced Ms. B.

"I'm pleased to meet you, Erika." She smiled as she shook my hand. "I've been waiting for years to run this event with contestants."

"It's has been fun so far."

"Well, young lady, you have been selected to wear the main outfit for the show. Before you say anything, it is due to your measurements that you were selected for this honor," she explained.

I wondered what she was talking about. Then I saw it. It was a wedding gown. It was exquisite. The dress was all silk and lace and had all sorts of embroidery on it. There were hundreds of pearls sewn into the gown. There was also a long train. I was almost afraid to touch it.

"This was just acquired by our historical society. I have wanted to show it off and I figured that the show was as good a moment as any. We will need to put you in a corset but it shouldn't be that bad. Because of the care necessary to get you into it, you will only be wearing four outfits."

"How old is it?" I asked. It was so beautiful.

"It was used in a wedding back in 1898. The bride was the daughter of the owner of the steel mill. Back then there was a big steel mill over in Red Hill. It closed back in the 1940's when the railroad closed the line that connected it to the coal mines. The mill's operations were moved to Pittsburgh. It had a devastating effect on the local economy. I'm sorry, I kind of get caught up in telling our area's history."

"I don't mind. I find history very interesting, especially local history." I couldn't take my eyes off the dress. I couldn't believe that I'd get to wear it. It was pretty cool to be able to model something so old.

"Now we need to see how it fits," she said.

I had to strip and they tightened me into the corset. Only the dress was old. Everything else was modern, but selected to match the dress. The corset was an experience. I was the right height, but my waist was several inches too big. The corset took care of that. The woman tightening it told me how to relax and breathe as she laced me up. In addition to the corset, there were several layers of petticoats. The dress itself was very tight in the waist, hence the need for the corset. The only thing more painful than the corset was the boots. They were laced up replicas of period boots. I found that I could barely walk in them. They would limit me to small steps. At least the discomfort of the corset passed, the shoes hurt the whole time I wore them!

Even with the discomfort, I loved wearing the dress. Maybe it was because of the historical nature of the outfit, or maybe it was because I was singled out. Either way, it was pretty cool. It took them a long time to get me dressed and even longer to get me undressed. Because of the age of the dress, they had to be very careful. I was very grateful when I shed off the boots and the corset.

Mrs. Craig told me that in addition to the dress they'd fit me with a wig and give me period makeup. It was pretty exciting.

After we all changed, they met with us one last time. We were reminded to be here by 10:00 to be ready for the show starting at 12:00. Only Caroline saw the wedding dress. She told me that I was lucky that the original bride was the same height as me. Mrs. Craig requested that we keep quiet about the bride's dress, as she wanted it to be a surprise.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fourteen

I was at the Civic Center around 9:30. I was really excited about the show. Caroline meat me there and was getting her hair styled. Mrs. Craig came up and showed us the schedule. I would be the first one up in the first three groups. I would then get into the dress and be transformed into a 19th Century bride. I would be the last one on the runway.

I was happy to see everyone show up. Only Lisa looked a bit down. I wondered how much longer she would last.

They soon had us all ready to go. Denise looked pretty good when she was normal looking. They'd made sure that she had outfits with long sleeves to hide her tattoos.

I was nervous because I had so many friends in the audience. In addition to Mom, Laura, Cat, and Terri, Mrs. Lincoln had said that she would attend. She normally skipped these events, but she wanted to see one of her girls being shown off. Cat said that Kristen and Tracey might also show up.

Of course, Ms. B was there. She gave us all a pep talk and had her picture taken with all of us.

The show started at noon and we were more than ready. We could hear Mrs. Craig introducing everyone. We peeked out and could see that it was very full, maybe 150-200 people. We could hear Mrs. Craig making several announcements and then the music kicked off.

I did feel a bit nervous as I stepped out on my cue. I walked and smiled as they'd told me. It's difficult to concentrate on not tripping and trying to look natural at the same time. The addition of spotlights and flashes going off made it a bit more difficult. It was also not hard to slip into a fantasy of being a model. Hey, I'm not fooling myself. I'm considered cute, but I am not a model. Still, it was fun to fantasize. It was also cool hearing the announcer describe the outfit.

Caroline followed me. As soon as I stepped behind the curtains, I was dragged away to be changed into my next outfit. It was sort of like a big assembly line. They did a quick check on my makeup and pointed me back into the line. Denise was the last person in the first group. She was wearing a nice spring dress and jacket. Just before she went out she turned back and winked at me. I had to laugh.

Before I went out the second time, Mrs. Craig made a few more announcements. Then the music started up again and I was back on the walk. I was in the fall outfit this time. I was more relaxed, wanting to remember the moment for the rest of my life.

Like before, as soon as I was off the stage I was rushed back to change into my third dress. I really liked the pink dress, although I couldn't think of a single place I could wear it. I saw Ms. B watching it all and she looked so happy. I guess it was from the pride in seeing us survive this latest challenge.

I watched as Ann came off the stage. She had a huge grin on her face. Unfortunately, I never got to see Claire due to the order in which we were going on stage. Too bad, I imagined that she would look great.

I really soaked it in on my third walk. I knew that my last time out I would have to be prim and proper. However, I had a bit of fun with the pink dress. I really strutted down the walk. Cat commented later that I was having way too much fun.

When I got behind the curtain it was time to be helped into the antique wedding dress. I stripped down and was helped into the corset. I felt my waist being contracted with each pull of the laces. Then came everything else. There were stockings, petticoats, a camisole, and then the boots. The dress was lifted onto me. They adjusted it and ensured that everything was in place. Next they put a wig on my head. The style was late 19th Century. They carefully redid my makeup and added some period earrings. The last step was the veil. It wasn't the original one, but it was from the same time period. I couldn't help but think about what it must have been like for a girl back then. She'd have had limited options in her life, and I wondered if she'd even loved the man she was marrying.

I was assisted over to the stage and waited behind the curtains until I was introduced. Ms. B almost didn't recognize me. I know that I surprised the other girls. Just before I went out, I was handed a bouquet of flowers. I was instructed to walk slowly out to the end of the stage, then wait for 30 seconds before slowly turning around and walking back.

I could hear Mrs. Craig tell the crowd about the special treat she had for all of them. She explained the background of the dress and how it would be put on display at the county historical society. Then I got my cue and I started out on the stage. Of course, they played the wedding march. I carefully walked down the walk to the end. I knew that if I tripped or fell that I'd never hear the end of it.

I was almost blinded by the flashes going off. There was also a lot of applause. I reached the end and slowly counted out my 30 seconds to myself. I heard Mrs. Craig describing the dress and its significance. As I turned around to head back, I was suddenly hit by a wild thought. In an act of total spontaneity, I tossed the bouquet of flowers into the crowd. I got a shocked look from Mrs. Craig, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it.

By the time I reached the curtains, everyone else was out on the stage. Mrs. Craig walked out and introduced each of us, one by one. By the time she got to me, she had recovered from my tossing the flowers and was all smiles. Apparently the ovation I got from the crowd had won her over.

Then the lights came up. We got to pose with various people, most of whom I didn't know. I did get to pose with Mom and most of my friends. Even Mrs. Lincoln posed with me! I also saw Mrs. Lee there.

Mrs. Craig hovered by me the whole time I was out there, to ensure no one brought any food or drink near the dress. We stayed out there for nearly an hour before we were allowed to go change. She then escorted me back to the changing area. My feet were really killing me, but the corset didn't feel that bad.

I posed for several more photos before I was allowed to change. They carefully undressed me and packed up the dress. Thankfully, the makeup artist changed me back into a modern girl.

It felt good to be back in the modern world, but I was also sad that the show was over. I went out and rejoined Mom and my friends. The funny thing was that most of the women there didn't recognize me as the bride they had just been talking to.

Ms. B was talking to Mom when I found them. They all applauded me as I walked up.

Ms. B shook her head and laughed, "I thought Mrs. Craig was going to have a fit when you tossed the bouquet into the crowd."

"Who caught it?" I asked.

"I couldn't tell, but it was the highlight of the show," exclaimed Mom.

We stayed there for almost an hour. I got to meet the parents of the other contestants. Denise's parents were completely normal looking while I had been expecting the Osbornes or something like that. Claire slipped out before I could meet her parents. Caroline's mom and aunt were really nice too. I also met Ann's mother and older sisters.

Right before we left, Ms. B called us all together, "Mrs. Craig has a few words for you."

"Girls, I want to thank you for making this the most successful show we have ever done. We more than doubled the amount of money pledged and donated from last year. I want to tell you that you each will be receiving a $500.00 donation to your individual college funds. Again, thank you very much for you time and effort."

We each went up and thanked her. So now I had $1,500.00 for college. It wasn't a fortune, but it was a good start.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifteen

Later that afternoon we had our friends over dinner. Sam took charge of the grill again and Terri, Sue and my Mom worked the kitchen. I bounced back and forth between the kitchen and the deck. Matt was out on the deck talking with Sam and Phil. He was very excited about being able to talk to a real DA.

It was nice sitting around with friends and family and having a small get together. Cat, Laura and I talked about the trip I was taking to New York. It would be a busy week. We were leaving at 8:00 AM and would be in the city by late afternoon. I still didn't know the entire schedule, but I knew we'd be back Friday afternoon. I would be working as soon as we got back, even though the store would be closed. We had to get ready for the Saturday morning sale and then I was scheduled from 9:00 to 3:00 for the sale itself. After that I was off for the weekend. Mrs. Lincoln didn't want me to work more than that, even though I said I'd be okay.

"So, have you picked out your dress yet?" asked Cat.

"Yes, I reserved a real nice one. I can't wait to show it to you." I had reserved the lavender gown with the spaghetti straps. It was very beautiful and I also liked the price. I could have gone for something more expensive, but I felt that Mrs. Lincoln had done enough for me as it was.

I then told them about some that they might be interested in. I had my eye on a beautiful red strapless gown for Laura. It was stunning and would look gorgeous on her. I had arranged with Cindy and Mel to set it aside as a surprise.

"So, will Matt be coming up here for the prom?" asked Laura.

"Yes. He said that he skipped his own prom as he graduated six months early from his high school, so he is actually looking forward to going," explained Cat.

Cat then asked me about several styles and colors. I told her that she should be able to get one she liked there. She asked if I could set aside a black strapless one for her. I knew she would look elegant in it. I told her that I would do that Friday when I got back. Cindy wouldn't mind as long as I didn't hold back too many.

It was funny, there were many stores that sold prom dresses, but none had the type that could be found in Mrs. Lincoln's shop. It was THE place to get a dress and there would be girls from all the area high schools there on Saturday. Cat told me that in the past Mrs. Lincoln had given some girls special deals and sometimes she'd surprised one with a designer label dress for the price of a knock off. It added to the festival atmosphere of the event.

Dinner was really fun. It was great having the house filled with laughter. I was very pleased to see Sam becoming so close to Mom. I hoped that they would take advantage of my absence. I did get a chance to sneak off with Laura for a few quick kisses.

By 9:30 everyone was gone except Sam. I told them I had to finish packing and said goodnight. Actually, I just wanted to give them some privacy. I went on the computer for a while and then to bed. I was so excited about everything in my life. I was surprised that I even fell asleep!

Chapter One-Hundred-Sixteen

I was up early, eager to start the trip to New York City. Mrs. Lincoln had said that the limo would be picking me up at 8:00AM. Knowing her attention to detail, I wasn't surprised when it pulled into our driveway exactly on time. I felt slightly sorry for the driver.

I couldn't believe how much clothing I was taking for a five-day trip. However Mrs. Lincoln had been very explicit about what I had to bring. She'd told me that I'd be representing the store and therefore I needed to be dressed presentably. She also had several outfits for me for more formal events.

I said goodbye to Mom, and we were on the road. I must admit that I was more than a little nervous about being with Mrs. Lincoln for five days, as she could be very intimidating at times. However, I had also seen her softer side.

Around an hour out of town Mrs. Lincoln reviewed the week's schedule with me. After we arrived we would be going to dinner at one of her favorite restaurants and turning in early. Tuesday, we'd be going to the garment district for a series of meetings and inspection of products. Lunch would be with one of the wholesalers. The rest of the afternoon would be more meetings. That evening we'd be going to a cocktail party that one of her old friend was throwing for her. Wednesday we had some more meetings in the morning and afternoon. That evening we would be going to an early dinner then a show. Thursday morning we'd have a quick meeting. She said that she had personal business to take care of the rest of the day so I could have the rest of the afternoon off. However there was another party that I'd be required to go to that evening. Friday morning we were to depart early.

She told me that she'd let me go off for some sightseeing, but that I was to use the limo. I could live with that! The driver was named Tony, and he'd been driving Mrs. Lincoln on these trips for years. He said that he'd give me the full 50-cent tour.

The next couple of hours she reviewed some paperwork. I was content to look out the window. I loved traveling, and I especially loved going new places. One of my life goals was to go to all fifty states and all seven continents. I would hit two new states this trip, New York and New Jersey.

After a while, Mrs. Lincoln started to talk to me. She asked me if I was excited about the trip and I said that I'd barely slept the night before. Mrs. Lincoln nodded and smiled as I told her about my love of traveling.

"I can easily relate to those feelings. I remember when I first left Golden Hill to go to New York. I was just a little older than you. I had an offer to be a model and I took it."

Hoping she was about to tell me about her life, I began to ask her questions. "What did your family say?"

"They were not happy. Father was very upset and Mother - Mother had a major conniption. But I didn't care. My brothers and sisters told me to take a shot at it and I did. I was young and full of confidence."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"You really don't want to hear this do you?"

I turned towards her and nodded eagerly. "Yes, I do!"

She smiled back at me. "Very well. When I was in school I was involved in the drama club. It was the only thing I really liked about school. I was the star of our school plays for three straight years. Someone sent my photo to a talent agent, who then gave it to a modeling agency. The modeling agency sent me a bus ticket and an invitation to audition. I knew that it was one shot in a thousand, but I went anyway. At least it was a free trip to Manhattan," she said.

I noticed that Tony was also listening intently.

"They liked my looks and I was signed to a contract. I gained some modest success and soon I had a pretty good career. However, I didn't want to give up acting and I auditioned for shows in my off time. I ended up in several shows over a three year period."

"You were on Broadway? That is so cool," I interrupted.

"Well, I wasn't a star, but I did have some lines and it was a wonderful life. I met my first husband while I was in a play. He was a producer, and we had a short but exciting marriage. He used his influence to get me a few bit parts in some movies too. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop fooling around and we divorced. He got to chase his starlets, and I got a very nice settlement."

I smiled and heard Tony chuckle a little.

Mrs. Lincoln stared at Tony. "Please, Anthony, I pay you to drive, so keep your attention on the road. Now where was I? Oh, yes, I had just been divorced and was deciding what to do next with my career. I decided that I'd never be a star so I gave up acting and went back into modeling. I was only twenty-three, and I was soon traveling all over the world. I then met my second husband while I was in Paris. We were married for twelve years before he had a heart attack."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, Erika, he had a great life. He loved to travel and he truly lived his life to its fullest. He simply wore himself out. But he did teach me many things, one of which was how to run a business. I was by then too old to go back to modeling, so I opened a boutique. I found that I was very good at it. I used my connections and friends and soon was quite wealthy. Within a few years, I owned three shops, one in Manhattan, one in Newport, and the other in Beverly Hills."

As I listened to her story I thought that her story would make a great book or even a movie. She spoke for nearly an hour, and I was spellbound.

"I met my last husband when I was fifty-two. Dr. Lincoln was a college professor, and he been offered the chance to be the college president at Dewey so we moved back to Golden Hill. It's funny how life goes full circle. I sold the businesses and opened my stores in town. I didn't need the money; it was just something to do. However, the stores took off. When the mall opened, I moved my main store there. I still had all my connections in the business, so I was able to bring in the best. When Dr. Lincoln died I put myself back into the business. I get a lot of joy out of running it and being a big shot in the community. I was too old to start looking for another man, so my job has become my last love." She had a very satisfied smile on her face.

"May I ask what your maiden name was?" I asked.

"My maiden name? It was Bell."

I sat there silent for a second. "Is Ms. Bell at Central related to you?"

"Yes, dear. Nancy is my niece. Her father was my youngest brother," replied Mrs. Lincoln. "By the way, she speaks very highly of you."

"I don't know how I would have made it through this year without her."

"I just want you to know that I wanted you as an employee on my own. I saw something in you during the Homecoming events that I liked. I asked for her opinion of you before your attack. I just don't want you to think that my hiring you was done out of pity," she reiterated.

"Thank you," I replied. I knew she was telling me the truth.

That explained some of the mystery surrounding Ms. B. I decided to go for broke.

"I know that she has a special interest in me and what I'm going through, but I'm not exactly sure why," I asked innocently.

Mrs. Lincoln sat there silently for a few moments, "We thought that this might topic might come up. I would have preferred that Nancy tell you. However, I think you have the right to know, and since the topic has been broached I will tell you. You must promise to keep what I am about to tell you confidential"

"I promise," I vowed. I noticed that Tony closed the screen between him and us.

"My youngest brother got married and stayed in Golden Hill. They had two children. Nancy had an older brother, Tom," explained Mrs. Lincoln.

That would be the policeman's father I thought.

"Tom was a sweet boy. He married right out of school and served in the military. When he got out of the Army, he and his wife moved back to Golden Hill. They had a son and everything seemed normal. However, he was very troubled. I know this because we talked about it often. He knew that I was more worldly and open-minded than most people in town. Tom was dealing with gender identity problems. Only he couldn't accept it. He saw himself as weak and perverted."

I sat there in silence, soaking in her words.

"You must understand that Golden Hill was a very different town back then. There was no one in town he could talk to about it and very little information available. This was almost twenty years ago, and there just wasn't the help available here. He was at constant war with himself. I tried to get him to go for help and offered to take him to a therapist in New York. He refused because he was so afraid someone might find out. He died in a single car accident late at night. The police said that he must have fallen asleep, but I know that it was suicide."

"How are you so sure?" I asked.

"Because Nancy was babysitting for him that night. When the police called about the accident, she found the suicide note. It was a full confession about his feelings and why he had killed himself. Nancy was sixteen at the time and even then she was levelheaded. She gave me the note and we decided for the good of the family that we'd keep it secret. She didn't blame her brother for what he'd done; she was very angry that there was no one he could turn to for help."

"She would have been at Central the first year of the competition?" I remarked.

"Yes, that's right, Erika. Nancy was a senior for the first year of the program. After she graduated, she went to college to become a teacher. When she came back to town, she sought my help to get hired at Central. I believe that she saw the scholarship contest as a way of saving others from a life of pain. She especially watches out over students like you who are starting a voyage of self-discovery. I guess she sees it as sort of a family duty."

Mrs. Lincoln looked over at me and saw that I had tears gently rolling down my cheeks. I tried to speak but I couldn't. It explained so much. I was too overwhelmed by emotions. Part of me felt like I'd just intruded into something very personal but the rest of me was very glad that I knew what had happened. I had even more respect for Ms. B. I was so proud to know her.

I regained my composure and tried to express what I was thinking to Mrs. Lincoln. I was amazed that she let me ramble on for a while. Ms. B was even more of a role model. Her life had been changed by a tragedy, and she'd tried to turn it into something positive. That was something worth emulating.

"What about his wife? Did she know the truth?" I asked.

"Yes, she knew about Tom. She was confused and blamed herself. Thankfully, I was able to get her help. It's too personal to discuss the exact details, but she eventually recovered from what happened," replied Mrs. Lincoln. "Are there any other questions you have concerning the scholarship?"

"Did you know the woman who set up the scholarship program?" I asked.

"Yes, I knew her. She was a wonderful woman and a dear friend. I would like to say that I had some influence on her idea to set up the competition but it was strictly her idea. She was years ahead of her time in her thinking. She felt that the program would have long-term effects on Golden Hill and eventually the surrounding area. She described it as a stone being thrown into a still pond with the ripples spreading out. I would say that she was right."

"So is that the main reason for the program?" I asked.

"It is one of the reasons. You'll learn the others later. Now I think that we need to find a place to eat lunch. Freshen yourself up, dear." She pressed a button and the screen came down. She told Tony to stop at the next town and go to the regular restaurant. We pulled into the parking lot of a small diner. I was a bit surprised that Mrs. Lincoln would eat in a roadside diner, but she told me that you could get the best food at diners.

"These places thrive on the business traveler. Therefore, their reputation is extremely important. I think you'll be quite surprised at the quality of their food," explained Mrs. Lincoln.

Apparently Mrs. Lincoln ate there often, as the manager made a big fuss over her. The food was excellent.

I had much to think about. Mrs. Lincoln had given me more insight on Ms. B and the scholarship program. I still had questions that I wanted - make that needed - answers to.

Chapter One-Hundred-Seventeen

We checked into the hotel right on arrival in Manhattan and the suite was incredible. Mom and I had lived in smaller apartments. There was a large living room area where you first came in. Mrs. Lincoln's bedroom had a side office included. My room was very luxurious. The bathroom had a whirlpool bath and a separate shower stall. The view overlooked Central Park. I kept waiting to wake up from this dream.

I unpacked and hung up my clothes. My evening outfits were labeled by the day they were to be worn. I got a laugh out of this. However, I couldn't argue with what she'd selected for me. I knew from the labels that these were very expensive dresses. She'd selected simple but elegant outfits for me. I held up my dress for dinner. It was a simple black sleeveless dress. This was the dress that Cindy said that every woman needed in her wardrobe, as it was so versatile. It may have been simple in looks, but I recognized the designer label. It undoubtedly cost more than my prom dress!

I looked at my watch and saw that it was only a little after five. Mrs. Lincoln was on the phone. She'd told me to be ready at 7:00 PM sharp. Actually she didn't need to include "sharp". I had learned that when she said a time, you'd better be ready then. It is a trait that I follow to this day.

I explored the suite a bit more. There was a small kitchen nook. I opened the fridge and found it fully stocked. I knew that for the price this suite cost all these extras were included. I took out a diet cola and went back to my room. I was fascinated by the view. San Diego is a nice city, but this was New York! I strained to look out both ways to see as much as I could. I was so captivated that I never heard Mrs. Lincoln enter the room.

"It is something isn't it?" she remarked softly, as she joined me at the window. She placed her hand on my shoulder, as she stood behind me.

I just nodded.

"I never tire of looking at it," she added.

We went to a very ritzy restaurant for dinner. They obviously knew Mrs. Lincoln, and they really sucked up to us. It was really fun being treated as a celebrity. Thankfully, Mom had taught me how to behave in a fine restaurant. I knew that I was under the watchful eye of Mrs. Lincoln, who seemed to approve of my etiquette.

"I see that your mother has brought you up with proper manners," she remarked with a smile.

"Yes, I'm grateful now for what Mom taught me. We went out for good dinners instead of having big gifts for birthdays and major celebrations."

"It is nice to see a young person who was raised properly."

"Mom did her best to raise me by herself. We lived with my grandparents until my grandmother died. From the time I was six, it was just the two of us."

"Your father didn't help?" she asked.

"He had nothing to do with us," I said in a matter of fact manner.

"You seem to have accepted this fairly well."

"I guess it helps that I've never met him, and now I have no desire to ever meet him."

A few people came over and talked to Mrs. Lincoln. She introduced them to me as Miss Erika Walters. It was the first time anyone had referred to me as Miss --another of those special moments. I just sat there and soaked it all in.

After dinner, Tony drove us back to the hotel. Mrs. Lincoln briefed me more on my duties for the next day. She gave me a leather folio case for papers or invoices. I was to be responsible for keeping everything in order. I knew that she didn't need me to do this, but I played along.

I sat up for a while with a cup of tea, looking out the window. I wrote out a few postcards, but mostly I looked out the window. I alternated between thinking about everything that had gone on that day and my future. I really wanted to go on to be a teacher now. I almost felt like I was in training so that Ms. B could pass the baton on to me.

Chapter One-Hundred-Eighteen

We had a simple breakfast in the room. I had tea, croissants, and orange juice. Mrs. Lincoln had a small fruit cup and some tea. I also took my dose of hormones.

"Have you always drunk tea?" she asked.

"Yes, I was introduced to it when I was young. Our neighbor was from London and she often watched me when Mom worked late. I've never really acquired a taste for coffee. Well, other than cappuccino!"

Mrs. Lincoln nodded in approval. "Erika, how late did you sit up last night looking out the window?" There was a slight smile on her face.

I smiled. "Late! How'd you know?"

"It's what I did my first night here."

I dressed per Mrs. Lincoln's recommendations. I wore a blue skirt, a white silk blouse, and a matching navy blazer. I also was wearing flats. She said that we would be doing a lot of walking and heels were too much of a nuisance.

Tony was waiting for us in front of the hotel. I couldn't help but smile at all the stares we got as we got in the limo.

"Enjoying yourself, my dear?" asked Mrs. Lincoln.

"Very much so, thank you! Riding around in a limo is fun!"

We made three stops that morning. I did my job and made sure that all the papers were in the right place. For lunch, we went with an older man to a deli. I was kind of surprised that Mrs. Lincoln would go to a deli, but I was to find that Mrs. Lincoln was full of surprises. The men working behind the counter all seemed to know her and they made a big deal about her being there.

The man was one of her earliest business partners and they had known each other for years. The food was, of course, excellent. I'm still searching for a kosher dill pickle as good as the one I had that day.

As we drove to the next stop, I asked her about lunch.

"When I was on the stage, I ate there almost every day. Thankfully I was blessed with a high metabolism. You just can't get good deli food in Golden Hill. Sometimes I think that part of the reason that I come back here is for their food."

There were a few more stops before we went back to the hotel. We had some time to get ready before the cocktail party that evening. The plan was to go to the party around 8:00 and then go to a late dinner.

I wanted to go for a run, but I knew that Mrs. Lincoln wouldn't approve of me going out of the hotel. Fortunately, there was a fitness center in the hotel, so I went and ran on a jogging machine for a while. While I preferred to run outside this was better than nothing. I listened to my CD player as I ran. The nice thing about the jogging machine was that it looked outside. I was surprised by how comfortable I felt. I really didn't think about anyone figuring out my true gender. Since I had been in New York, I'd been accepted at face value.

As I ran I thought about my future. I was sure that I wanted to teach. If I'd win the scholarship then I could go to school fulltime. If not, I'd still go to school on a part-time basis. If I went part-time, then it would take me a few more years. I also debated on whether or not I wanted to start school fulltime that fall. Part of me wanted to take some time for the adjustment to being fulltime. Yes, I know that I had been living as Erika since the fall, but I wanted time to adjust outside of the safe haven of Central High. I knew that the surgery would be a big deal and would put me put of circulation for a while.

I put my sweats back on and headed back to my room. I looked forward to the day that I could use the locker room like everyone else. I had plenty of time to get ready, so I lingered in the whirlpool bath. I decided that I would have to have one of these some day!

Eventually I had to get out. I took my time as I got dressed. I put on my bra and panties. I wondered when I would no longer need the boob inserts. It would be nice to get rid of them. I then attached my stockings to my garter belt. The dress was lovely. Again it was basic black, but it still looked great. This one was silk and had a fuller skirt and a slightly scooped neckline. As I checked my makeup I looked over my scar. It wasn't as prominent, but it was still noticeable. I uttered a silent curse for Jason.

Chapter One-Hundred-Nineteen

Mrs. Lincoln looked wonderful. She really knew how to dress up. She inspected me and seemed pleased, except with my simple silver chain. Mrs. Lincoln felt that it was too understated. She left and came back with a string of pearls, matching earrings and a bracelet. She explained these were a loan and not to get too excited as they only looked expensive. I think she told me that so I'd feel more at ease.

I really enjoyed the walk through the lobby of the hotel and out to the limo. The party was really cool. It was thrown by some of her old friends in the fashion industry. I became a little star struck when I saw several celebrities and famous models there. They all came up and spoke to Mrs. Lincoln. Obviously she had understated her importance.

After the initial introductions I was allowed to go off on my own. Apparently Mrs. Lincoln had put out the word that I was only seventeen, so I was not to be hit on or be allowed to drink. I was getting some very interesting looks from several men there. Yes, I enjoyed every second of the attention. Who wouldn't?

I got into a really nice conversation with an older woman. Her name was Violet and she said that she had known Sylvia since her earliest modeling days and they had once shared a loft. I couldn't picture ever calling Mrs. Lincoln Sylvia!

While we were talking a man joined us. As we talked, he kept staring at my face. I thought it was my imagination at first. He kept shifting his position to get a different view. I was about to say something when he spoke up.

"I didn't mean to be rude Erika. I was just looking at the scar above your eye. I'm a plastic surgeon, and I was wondering if you'd considered having any work done on it," he inquired.

"I hadn't really thought about it. I was hoping it would fade some more," I replied, as my hand went up to touch it.

"I could do a nice job on it. I owe that to Mrs. Lincoln. Do you mind telling me how you got it?" he asked.

"I was attacked. The same person reshaped my nose." I was hoping that I wouldn't have to go into more detail about the attack.

"I see. Well, let me give you my card. I can take care of your nose too. In fact, you should get that done first," he stated. He was looking at my nose now.

"How do you know Mrs. Lincoln?" I asked as I took his card. It read Dr. David Ayres.

"She's an old family friend. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been able to afford medical school. I take it you work for her back in Pennsylvania?"

"Yes, I do. She's a wonderful employer."

"She's a wonderful person. I'm serious about the offer. It would be an honor to care for one of her loyal employees," he offered with a smile.

"You said that you were attacked. Was it a mugging?" interrupted Violet.

"No, It was an abduction, assault, and rape," I stated. I immediately kicked myself for saying it.

There was instant silence around us.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to pry," Violet apologized.

"It's okay. I'm a bit more comfortable about it now. It happened last fall and thankfully they caught and convicted him."

The manner in which I talked about it raised my status. I was now seen as more than a teenage girl accompanying the guest of honor, although I didn't want to be just identified as a rape victim.

Jenny had said that, while it wasn't a pleasant topic, there was no reason to feel shame about what happened. She really emphasized that I was not at fault and I had no reason to be afraid of questions. She said that I could use it as an opportunity to educate.

Several other people came over and I was asked a few more questions about it. Thankfully the topic eventually changed. Dr. Ayres came up to me later and said that he really wanted me to call him. I thanked him and told him I'd think about it.

Anyway, the rest of the evening was far more pleasant. I had my picture taken with several models and a few other famous people. Hey, if they wanted to feel sorry for me, that was their problem. I was happy for the photos.

Afterwards we went to dinner at a little bistro near the hotel. A few of Mrs. Lincoln's friends joined us. I saw several famous people in the restaurant, including several actors and actresses. I tried to act as nonchalant as everyone else, but it was hard. I mean, I was a high school student from Pennsylvania and it wasn't hard to get excited when the person at the next table was a famous actor. I fought the urge to ask him for an autograph.

On the way back to the hotel Mrs. Lincoln asked me if I'd enjoyed myself. I figured she would eventually know everything that had gone on that night, so I told her the whole story.

"Violet has always had a bad habit of asking the wrong questions. I'm glad you handled it so well." Judging by the tone of her voice, she approved of the way I handled myself.

"Did you really share a loft with her?" I asked. I tried to picture the two of them living together and I couldn't!

She smiled. "Along with many other things. Those were some wild times. I will have to wait until you are a bit older before I can tell you those stories."

I smiled thinking about Mrs. Lincoln being a hell-raiser!

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty

The next day we went around to some more meetings. It was raining although it wasn't that cool. It truly felt like winter was gone. As I had done on Tuesday, I correctly sorted the papers and order forms. I was looking forward to that evening and the show.

The day went by pretty quickly. I was amazed by Mrs. Lincoln's energy. She never seemed to get tired. She told me that there was something about the city that energized her.

On the way back to the hotel Mrs. Lincoln directed Tony to stop in front of an inconspicuous store entranceway. The name on the door said 'Undercover Elegance'. It was in a delicate gold script on black glass. You might miss it if you weren't looking for it.

"Tony, please standby, we'll be here for an hour, maybe longer," ordered Mrs. Lincoln.

As we stepped out of the limo Mrs. Lincoln told me to leave my folio. She told me that I wouldn't need it.

We entered the shop and were immediately greeted by a woman, and it was obvious that she was an old friend of Mrs. Lincoln. She had a very upscale, cultured British accent.

The shop was very upscale and extremely stylish. It sold the finest imported European lingerie and foundations. Everything looked gorgeous and very expensive!

I figured that Mrs. Lincoln was just making another social call, as her story didn't carry lingerie.

"Bridget, this is the young woman I told you about. Erika, this is a dear friend of mine, Bridget Wellington," stated Mrs. Lincoln as she introduced us.

"We have some lovely new items in, that I think will fit you quite nicely," stated Bridget.

I was slightly confused and embarrassed and glanced over at Mrs. Lincoln.

"Don't worry, my dear. Think of this as another part of your education of becoming a young woman. One of the best ways that a woman can feel good about herself is to wear something very luxurious and elegant under her clothing. No one else has to know what you're wearing, but they can boost your self confidence," explained Mrs. Lincoln.

"Additionally, they just make you feel good," added Bridget. "I took the liberty of setting out some items, based on your description of Erika."

Bridget pointed to some lingerie laid out on a display case. I was almost afraid to even touch the items, as they were so beautiful. Mrs. Lincoln looked them over and made some suggestions. She ended up picking out three matching sets of lingerie. All three included a bra, panties, garterbelt, and a half-slip. The first set was a dazzling white shimmering nylon with lots of lace. The second set was hand- embroidered blue satin and the last set was lavender with a tiny floral print. Additionally, Bridget brought out a chiffon nightgown and peignoir. They were both pale pink in color, trimmed with delicate white lace ruffles. Bridget described them both as waltz length.

"Please put these on my account, Bridget," remarked Mrs. Lincoln.

Bridget nodded and then turned to me with a smile on her face. "We just got in some exquisite silk stockings. I'm giving you a few pairs, Erika. Save them for special occasions."

I thanked her and followed Mrs. Lincoln out of the shop.

On the way back to the hotel, Mrs. Lincoln turned to me. "You have a long road ahead of you. The transition will be difficult at time, and there will be good days and bad days. When you're feeling low, treat yourself and wear these. It will cheer you up knowing that you're wearing the most luxurious undies that money can buy."

"I don't know what to say, except thank you very much," I replied, holding back my emotions.

Mrs. Lincoln smiled. "You're welcome, my dear."

We got back to the hotel by four and I decided to go for another run. Due to the rain the machines were a bit more crowded. While I waited, I talked to a businesswoman who was in town from San Diego. It was fun to reminisce with her. If she guessed my real gender, she never let on. I was getting more comfortable being outside of the safety net of Golden Hill.

My dress for the evening was like the others, very beautiful. It was long, elegant, and dark blue and had a matching bolero jacket. I was tempted to wear some of my new lingerie, but decided to save it for another day. We had tickets to the hottest musical on Broadway. I was stunned when we sat in the producer's box. I wondered what his history with Mrs. Lincoln was!

The show was fantastic. I immediately acquired a taste for Broadway shows. I was overwhelmed by the costumes and the music. I smiled thinking that Mrs. Lincoln had performed on this very stage. Now that would have been something to see!

Afterwards, we went to dinner. The restaurant was packed when we arrived. They were telling most people that there would be a minimum one-hour wait. However, the maitre d' immediately seated us. We got more than a few dirty looks as we were whisked into the restaurant.

During dinner we talked about the show. Mrs. Lincoln thought it was good, but not as good as some shows in the past. I also got used to people walking up and saying hello to her. She was like visiting royalty.

I scanned the room and saw more celebrities. I was excited when one actor came over and talked to Mrs. Lincoln. He was a famous movie star and I'd seen many of his movies. It was very exciting when Mrs. Lincoln introduced me to him. All right, I was totally star struck! He took out a pen and signed the menu for me. I thanked him for the autograph.

He took my hand and gave it a gentle kiss. "Enchanted, m'dear." It was the exact same line from his last romantic movie!

I collected a few more autographs that evening from visiting celebrities. I later framed the menu and it hangs today in my office, along with a photo taken of Mrs. Lincoln and me on that trip.

I really didn't want to leave, and I think that Mrs. Lincoln felt the same way. But all good times come to an end. I was so excited that I had a very hard time falling asleep that night.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-One

Thursday we only had one stop to make. We went to a warehouse where Mrs. Lincoln inspected several batches of merchandise. I wrote down her comments on each rack of clothes. I was wearing a tan skirt, brown boots, a light green silk blouse, and a forest green blazer. She seemed pleased with the shipment and the quality of the outfits.

We finished around 11:00 and she told me that she had some personal business to attend to and that a friend would be driving her. I could use the limo to tour the city and to do some shopping. I was to be back at the hotel no later than six.

"We've been invited to dinner with some friends at 8:00. I expect you to be ready at 7:45. Now have a good time this afternoon," she said.

She also made me promise not to leave Tony.

If you ever have a chance to have your own limo for the afternoon, I highly recommend you do it at least once. I initially felt funny sitting alone in the back and I asked Tony if I could sit up front with him.

"Stay in the back, kid. It'll make everyone think you're a celebrity. Now, where do ya want to go?" he asked.

I told him that I wanted to see some of the city and do a little shopping. Tony had been born and raised in New York, so he knew all the shortcuts and bargain spots. I also didn't mind him calling me 'kid'.

He took me to a hole-in-the-wall pizzeria in Little Italy for lunch. He claimed it was the best in the city. It was hard not to agree. We split a pizza and talked.

"So how long have you known Mrs. Lincoln?" I asked, taking a bite of pizza.

"My Uncle Vinny was her driver a long time ago and I first met her when I was five. I would sometimes ride around with him. He was a driver for one of the big companies and she took a liking to him and used him exclusively. She helped Uncle Vinny get the loans he needed to open his own limo service." He took another slice of pizza. "Anyway, I took over the family business and even though I have nearly twenty drivers working for me, I always take her contract personally. I wouldn't miss one of her visits for the world!"

"I think she is special too," I concurred.

"So, what's your story, kid? I know she thinks pretty highly of you," he asked.

I told him an edited version of my working for her. I didn't tell him I was TS. It wasn't necessary, even though it wouldn't have made a difference.

"If you don't mind my asking, who beat you up?" he asked. "I noticed that your nose was broken."

I told him about Jason.

"Do ya know where they locked up the guy?" he asked bluntly.

"No, I'm just glad he's in prison," I replied. I wondered why he cared where Jason was locked up.

"I could place a few calls and it could be arranged to make his life - much more difficult," added Tony with a sly smile on his face.

I didn't know if he was kidding or not, and I politely refused his offer.

True to his word, Tony gave me a great tour of the city. There was no way that I could see everything, but we saw a lot. He told me that the next time I was in town I should call his service and he would ensure that I was taken care of. I also saved a lot of money when I went shopping. I bought some t-shirts for my friends and a sweater for Mom. The shirts were the standard tourist type, but I knew my friends would love them. However, I bought Mom a really nice Icelandic sweater. I also picked up a few things for myself. Tony made sure that I got the best prices, he was an expert at the local art of haggling.

He was right about sitting in the back. Whenever we stopped, I turned more than a few heads when I got out. We both got a laugh out of people staring and pointing. I made sure that I had a photo taken with him.

We arrived back at the hotel at 5:30. I beat Mrs. Lincoln back by fifteen minutes. I didn't ask what she did. I figured she'd tell me if she wanted to. She did ask me about my afternoon. I told her about my adventures and how wonderfully Tony had treated me. I skipped the part when Tony offered to put a hit on Jason.

I wore yet another black dress for dinner. This one had long, flowing, see-through sleeves with a little ruffle at the cuffs and hem. Mrs. Lincoln seemed to approve of my appearance. Working for her had really taught me how to dress properly.

Dinner was with some of her friends from her second marriage. We ate in their penthouse apartment. It was better than I expected. There were three couples. Two were husbands and wives, and the third couple was two women. Mrs. Lincoln later told me that the two women had been lovers for nearly forty years. They spent most of the night telling one outrageous story after another. I sat there soaking it all in and I hoped that my life would be half as exciting as theirs.

After dinner we sat in the living room and talked. One of the two lesbians asked me if I wanted to see the view from the balcony. We went outside and I had to admit that it was breathtaking.

"May I ask you something personal?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied.

"When did you start your transition? Don't get me wrong dear, you're very passable," she remarked with a smile.

I went on to tell her about the scholarship contest and my self- discovery. She was very pleased that I was able to transition. She told me about the hassles she and her lover had had through the years. I told her about Laura and our relationship. It was a very pleasant conversation. It was getting a bit chilly so we went back in.

On the way back to the hotel we talked about the evening. Mrs. Lincoln wasn't surprised that the one woman had made me.

"She was always my most observant friend. She notices everything."

"She sounds like my friend Cat," I stated. "By the way, I just want to thank you again for this wonderful trip."

Mrs. Lincoln nodded and smiled. "You're welcome. I've enjoyed your company. It was fun to see the city with a young girl on her first time here."

I gently squeezed her hand and smiled at her with my eyes on the verge of tears.

When we got back to the hotel I packed up my things. We were hitting the road early, as she wanted to get back to see how the store was doing.

After I finished packing I sat by the window and drank a cup of tea. I wanted to soak in every remaining second of the trip. The trip was one of those defining moments in one's life. I now was clear about my path in life.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Two

We left the city before dawn. Tony got us out of the city with little difficulty. Most of the bad traffic was inbound. Mrs. Lincoln reviewed the orders and invoices. There was nothing for me to do but doze off. I guess the week caught up with me.

I woke up somewhere in Pennsylvania. I checked my watch and I saw that I had been asleep for three hours. Mrs. Lincoln smiled as I looked around.

"Good morning," she greeted.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know I was that tired." I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and took a drink of water.

"No reason to apologize. Do you feel like working this afternoon when we get home?"

"Absolutely, Mrs. Lincoln," I replied eagerly.

"We should be done by 7:00 PM tonight. Cindy does an excellent job in setting up for the sale. Oh, I almost forgot, here is your pay for this week."

She handed me an envelope. It had $500.00 in cash inside. I was stunned, as I hadn't expected to get paid.

"Now before you say anything, I just want you to know that I want you to have this. Think of it as a bonus. Now, don't just spend it all foolishly, you can put some away for school."

I was really moved and I gave her a hug. I felt very close to her and I guess in some ways I saw her as my grandmother - or was that my fairy godmother?

The rest of the trip was uneventful. When we got to my house I went in and dropped off my bags and changed. Because the store wouldn't actually be open Mrs. Lincoln told me I could dress casually. I slipped on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I left a note for Mom that I was back safely, going to the store, and would be home around 7:00. I put on my school jacket and rejoined Mrs. Lincoln.

Tony dropped us off at the store. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He gave me his card and told me to call the next time I went to the city.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Three

As expected I got a dose of sarcasm from Mel when I entered the store.

"Well, well, look who's here! Figures you show up when most of the hard work is done," she cracked. She then walked up and gave me big hug. "Did you have a wonderful time?"

"It was unbelievable. I am still on a high from everything we did!" I exclaimed.

"That's great. You can tell me all about it while you help me up front," remarked Mel.

Cindy came up and gave me a big hug. "I want to hear everything."

Cindy was in charge of getting the store ready, and she ensured that we were all working. As I worked I told them about the trip. They had both gone on similar trips at least once, so we could talk about similar experiences. As I said earlier, I really didn't know the day shift that well. I knew them by name, but that was about it. But they were all nice people. Mrs. Lincoln wouldn't allow any unpleasant people to work for her.

Cindy put me on decorating the store. We hung up balloons and streamers from the ceiling, and there were also school pennants to put up. I made sure that Central's was the most prominent one displayed.

We finished around 6:30. Cindy gave me a ride home. She told me that I needed to be at work by 8:30. She asked me if I wanted a ride and I told her yes.

"I'm so happy that Mrs. Lincoln took you on this trip. It shows that you have entered the inner circle."

When I got home I found that Terri, Cat, Laura, and Sam were already there. Mom had invited them all over to welcome me back.

It was great seeing them all. Laura and I hugged and kissed for a long time. I really missed her.

I brought down the gifts and thankfully I hadn't forgotten anyone. As we ate I told them about my trip. I again left out the offer of the hit on Jason. I didn't want to get Tony in trouble with Sam. I also couldn't wait to get my photos developed.

I caught up on what everyone else was doing. Matt had left to return to school yesterday. Apparently he had won over Terri. Laura told us that she'd made a short trip to Penn State. I could tell that she was torn between being excited about college and leaving me. I felt the same way.

I noticed that Mom and Sam were sitting really close. That made me very happy.

I told Mom that Cindy was giving me a lift to work. I asked Laura and Cat what time they were showing up. They said that they would be in line starting at 7:00, since the mall no longer allowed people to camp out. I wasn't sure if they were telling the truth. But Terri confirmed that girls used to camp out the night before to get in the store early.

After everyone left I sat at the kitchen table with Mom. It was good

to just talk with her. She told me that she and Sam had were getting very close and she thought he might propose to her soon. That was wonderful news and I gave her a big hug. I hoped that it was true. I then went to bed. Saturday would be a very busy day.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Four

Saturday morning I arrived at the store with Cindy. I was stunned by the sight of the long line of girls waiting to get into the store. We went in through the back entrance. Mrs. Lincoln had us all wearing the same style outfit, the standard basic black sleeveless dress. I was assigned to one of the cash registers, along with a woman named Sally. She was one of the dayshift workers. Cindy and Mel would be working the crowd with the rest of the staff.

Mrs. Lincoln had hired additional security to limit the number of girls in the store at one time. One of those velvet bank ropes was set up to control the crowd. Some of the other mall stores tried to get in on the action. The shoe stores were giving an additional twenty percent off to anyone showing a receipt from our store on any item purchased that day. The coffee stand also had an employee taking orders from those in line. They appeared to be doing some good business.

Cindy knew I had reserved dresses for Cat and Laura. She didn't mind, since I'd asked ahead of time. She told me just to send them to see her when they came in.

There was a weird sense of calm as we got closer to 9:00 AM. We could hear the crowd behind the closed door and the drawn curtains. Mrs. Lincoln gave a signal at 8:45 and the curtains were drawn back. I looked out at the line of girls as they peered in the glass doors trying to get a look at the dresses. I saw Cat, Laura, Kristen, and Tracey all together, there were around fifteen girls ahead of them. I recognized most of the girls in line ahead off them. I was pleased to see Caroline, in third place, behind a couple of other girls from school.

Mrs. Lincoln walked up to the front of the store and gave us all a quick look. She seemed pleased with how the store looked. She then signaled Cindy to open the doors. Mrs. Lincoln greeted each girl as they entered. It was busy but orderly. I kind of expected it to be more hectic. Sally told me that the word was put out to the girls that any disorderly conduct would result in them being asked to leave the store. Apparently in the past there had been some fights over dresses.

I saw Cat and Laura enter and I waved them over, "You see that woman over there?" I said, pointing at Cindy. "She has some dresses for you to look at."

"What time are you off?" asked Laura.

"Three."

"I'll be here to pick you up!" Laura then winked at me.

I watched them walk over to Cindy. I then had my first customer to check out. The customers came in at a steady pace. Every now and then Mrs. Lincoln would come over and tell us to give a girl a discount. I don't know her reasoning for the discounts but knowing Mrs. Lincoln they were probably justified. I was blown away by the amount of money some of the girls were spending. I'd gone to my junior prom back in San Diego and had spent a few bucks on a rental tux. Even with flowers, dinner, and the tickets, I still spent less than what I had paid just for my dress for this year's prom. I really never knew what a big deal prom was until now.

Caroline came up and she was very happy with the dress she'd picked out. Like many of the girls in line she only had her receipt. The actual dress was in the back with Rita. Mrs. Lincoln included free alterations with all prom dresses.

"Did you get a nice one?" I asked as I checked her out.

"Oh yes! I never thought I'd be so happy over buying a dress," she stated with a laugh. She had a huge smile on her face. "By the way, how was New York?"

"Wonderful! I'll call you later and tell you all about it."

Sally smiled at me. "I remember my trip. I went with Mrs. Lincoln three years ago. I had one of the best times in my life."

In between customers we traded stories about our trips. We suddenly had a big rush at the registers, which we took in stride. Most of the girls were so happy about getting the dress they wanted, the general mood was contagious. Mrs. Lincoln walked over, part of her constant tending to a smooth sale day.

While she was standing there, a couple of girls from Red Hill came up. Either they were wearing their boyfriend's school jackets or their names were Nick and Tom and they played on the football team.

They were just behind Kristen in line. I was about to take her slip when I heard 'Nick' say something about the 'faggots at Central'. I immediately looked up and glared at her.

Kristen turned around and asked politely, "Excuse me. I didn't catch what you just said?"

'Nick' looked at Kristen, sneered, and said very loudly, "What I said is that I hope that none of these lovely dresses are wasted on those freaking FAGGOTS at Central. It would such a shame to have a SISSY wearing a pretty gown. Do you have a problem with that?"

Before anyone else could say a word, Mrs. Lincoln walked over and took their receipts out of their hands. "I'm sorry, but I will have to ask you two to leave. You are disrupting my business," she stated in a calm firm voice. "Take your business elsewhere, as neither of you is welcome in my shop."

'Tom' was about to protest when Mrs. Lincoln stopped her with a stare.

I was struggling not to break out laughing.

'Tom' and 'Nick' stood there for a second and then stormed out of the store without saying a word. Mrs. Lincoln acted as if nothing had happened and handed the receipts to Mel to take back to Rita, so the dresses could be put back on the rack.

Kristen came up to me and smiled, "That was worth standing in line to see, it was so cool the way she handled that," she whispered.

"Thanks for standing up for us," I whispered back.

"No problem, Erika! That's what friends are for!"

Just then Mrs. Lincoln walked back to the counter and told me to take fifteen percent off Kristen's order. Kristen was stunned but recovered and walked over and thanked Mrs. Lincoln, who acted like nothing had happened.

A few minutes later Cat and Laura came up with their receipts. "What happened up here?" asked Cat.

I told them that I'd tell them later. I did ask them to drop my film over at the one-hour photo shop.

The rest of the morning was uneventful. Rachael came in and we chatted for a few minutes while I checked her out. I was pleasantly surprised to see Ann come in with one of her sisters. She was the only other contestant to come in. I knew that there were other stores, but I had hoped to see Lisa and Claire. I doubted that Denise would wear anything as conventional as our gowns.

Around two o'clock 'Nick' and 'Tom' came back in with their parents.

They both had very smug looks on their faces.

'Tom' pointed over at Mrs. Lincoln. "That's the saleswoman who threw us out of here!"

I almost choked as I heard her call Mrs. Lincoln a 'saleswoman'!

Mrs. Lincoln walked over to them. I immediately sensed that this was an unfair fight. They only outnumbered Mrs. Lincoln by six to one. They should have brought the whole town of Red Hill to make it fair.

"I believe you owe our daughters an apology. I'm a personal friend of the owner of this business and I know that she wouldn't approve of her employees mistreating my daughter," threatened 'Tom's' father as he tried to intimidate Mrs. Lincoln.

There was a long silence before Mrs. Lincoln replied. "Sir, I AM the owner of this business, I know that I DO NOT know you." She let her words sink in.

I was stunned to hear her actually raise her voice.

He stood there trying to decide what to do next. I could see sweat forming on his forehead. He looked back at the others with a 'deer in the headlights' look on his face.

Then 'Nick's mother' spoke up, "If you don't want to hear from our lawyer, you'd better let our daughters in here!"

Mrs. Lincoln turned towards her. "I dislike idle threats even more than liars. These young women made bigoted and insulting comments on my business premises. If anyone is going to apologize, it should be your daughters. If you want to call your lawyer, that is your right, but I must warn you that you would be wasting your time and money. Now, you are starting to try my patience. Please leave my store and never return. Good afternoon."

They stood there for a second and then meekly left the store without saying another word. That was the last time we heard from them. Mrs. Lincoln watched them leave and then went back to work as if nothing had ever happened.

Sally turned to me and whispered, "I'd have paid money to see that!"

I nodded in agreement. I felt so proud to know Mrs. Lincoln and to be her employee and friend.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Five

A little after three o'clock I was off for the day. Mrs. Lincoln gave me Sunday off, since she wanted me rested for school on Monday.

"I know you don't want to make a big deal about what happened with those two girls, but I just want to thank you." I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"It was my pleasure, dear. I must admit that it makes me feel good to know that I still have it," she chuckled.

I caught up with Laura and Cat and we walked over to get my pictures. I told them all about what had happened.

"She's so cool!" exclaimed Laura. "I wish I could have seen that."

I paid for the photos and we went down to the food court to look at them. I was happy to see that most came out.

I showed them the picture of Tony and told them about his offer concerning Jason.

"Do you think he was serious?" asked Cat.

"I'm not sure," I answered.

"I'd have taken him up on the offer," remarked Laura.

All of the pictures from the cocktail party came out, so, I had proof to go with my stories! Cat and Laura were both impressed.

"I take it everything went well with Matt?" I asked Cat, as we looked at the photos.

"Yes, very much so. Mom really likes him a lot."

"That's great."

Cat and Laura then caught me up on everything that had gone on in the past week. We talked more about my trip and other things. Cat asked me how it was going with my hormone treatments and I told her that so far I didn't see any difference. Laura kidded me about checking my boob size everyday. I had to admit that she was right, even though I knew it would be months before any changes were visible. They both told me that almost every girl checks herself as she matures, so it was very natural for me to do so too.

I had to admit that I felt a little different. I think it was more because I knew that I was starting my transformation than any real effects of the drugs.

"So, when am I going to see you in your new lingerie?" asked Laura with a sly grin on her face.

I felt my face getting warm.

Laura giggled. "You're so cute when you blush."

We then talked about who might be the third person going through transition. We all had our theories and ideas. I hoped that everyone would be back on Monday. Cat said it was pretty remarkable that there were still six left. We also talked about how they might decide the winner or winners. We all felt that everyone who made it to the end of the year deserved to win.

Cat looked at her watch and said that she had to leave to go out to dinner with her mom. I think that she just wanted to give Laura and I some time alone. We decided not to waste her kindness and we went back to my house.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Six

We had the house to ourselves as Mom had left a note saying she was over at Sam's house for dinner. Laura looked at me and smiled. She took me by the hand and led me upstairs.

We sat down on the bed facing each other. We just looked in each other's eyes. She lifted her hand up and caressed the side of my face. I could feel myself trembling slightly. I hoped that I always felt that way when she touched me like that. She leaned over slightly and we began to kiss. Our arms drew us closer into a deep embrace. I felt her hand starting to gently explore my body. She guided one of my hands down to her breasts, and I slowly rubbed her nipples, as she had shown me earlier.

We then lay down on the bed and continued to make out and cuddle. Laura then unbuttoned her top, exposing her bra.

"You'll soon have these." She took off her top and then her bra, exposing her breasts. "I figure you are curious about them."

She had me gently rub her nipples. I watched as her nipples hardened and seemed to grow in size. It was such a sharing moment. She was right about my curiosity. I had countless questions and didn't know where to begin. I had seen pictures of breasts and had felt a few, but this was different. I couldn't wait until my own breasts began growing. Laura explained how the sensations of pleasure went deep into her chest and that it wasn't just a localized sensation. She smiled as she told me that she couldn't wait until she could return this pleasure to me.

She then reached over and helped me out of my top. I felt a little strange as she helped me out of my bra exposing my chest. She rubbed my nipples, but they weren't that sensitive. She told me that they would become fun to play with. She cupped what little fat there was.

"Don't worry, my love. They'll grow into lovely breasts just like mine."

We then kissed again. I caressed her breasts while she did the same to me. That was as far as we went that night. Laura was slowly bringing me along and I was a willing subject. Any doubts I had about being on the right path about my sexuality were gone. I had no desire at all to be with Laura, in a male role, as Eric would have tried.

We got dressed and sat there and talked. I showed her the expensive lingerie that Mrs. Lincoln bought me. Laura was very impressed.

"What do you think will happen when I go off to college?" she asked, as she examined the lavender set.

"I don't know. I don't want to think about it right now." I couldn't imagine being separated from her.

"We'll have to talk about it eventually, my love," reiterated Laura. "But we have time for now to be together."

We began to kiss again. I couldn't imagine being without her.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Seven

We went downstairs and fixed dinner. I threw together some leftover chicken and rice. It wasn't too bad. We talked about school and the countdown to prom and then graduation. We had about two months of school left, give or take a few days. It almost didn't seem possible that I had only been Erika for around eight months.

"When will you be making your name change legal?" asked Laura.

"Mom is getting the paperwork and we're going to submit it in a few weeks."

"So what's your new middle name going to be?" she asked, taking a bite of food.

"I really don't know," I replied. I took a bite of chicken, it wasn't bad.

"Huh?" Laura had a look of surprise on her face.

"Mom is going to pick it for me, just like she would have if I'd been born a girl. Either she hasn't decided yet or she's is keeping it a secret," I explained.

"Maybe she should make it a contest and have people post suggestions on the Internet. It could be the 'Help name my transsexual teenage daughter contest'," quipped Laura. We both started laughing at such a silly suggestion. I wondered what sort of entries I would get, if any.

After dinner we cleaned up and then went into the family room and watched TV together. We cuddled together on the couch.

Laura left around 10:00. I fixed a mug of tea and tried to finish reading a book for my American Lit class. We had to read two books by the same author and then write a comparison of the two. We were supposed to pick two books that told different types of stories. I selected two books by John Steinbeck. I had read "The Grapes of Wrath" before break and now I was finishing up "Cannery Row". Mom had suggested him and I was glad she did. I really loved his writing style; it was so visual. I decided that I would have to go to Monterey, California someday.

I was completely lost in the story when Sam and Mom came home. I didn't even hear Sam's car pull in the driveway. I jumped when the front door opened!

They came in and joined me at the kitchen table. Mom fixed some coffee for Sam and a cup of tea for herself.

"How was your day?" asked Mom.

I told her all about the sale and Mrs. Lincoln and the idiots.

"Sounds like she would have been a good DA," suggested Sam, chuckling, "or maybe a good cop!"

"So, how was your evening?" I asked. I got up to fix another mug of tea.

Mom told me how they'd gone for a long drive and ended up at Sam's for dinner.

"By the way, Sam picked up your name change paperwork, would you like to see it?" asked Mom.

"Absolutely," I answered.

"Now it isn't complete yet as I still haven't decided on your middle name, but here it is," said Mom as she placed an official form in front of me.

I read it and saw my original name, Eric Alexander Walters and then Erika listed as my new first name. It was another of those real moments that I have mentioned before.

"She must be very tired," remarked Mom sarcastically.

"Yes, she doesn't seem too alert or observant," added Sam.

I looked up at them and saw they were both smiling. I looked back at the paperwork to see what I'd missed. Then I saw it. In the block for my new name was the last name Warren. I sat there staring at it, the meaning sinking in. I looked up and saw that Mom was now wearing an engagement ring and a big, happy grin.

A huge smile appeared on my face. "This is so wonderful! Congratulations!" I squealed. I got up and hugged and kissed both of them. "When did this happen?"

"Sam asked me this afternoon," said Mom. I'd never seen her so happy.

"I take it you approve?" asked Sam.

"Absolutely! You don't know how happy I'm for you guys!" I could feel tears of joy forming in my eyes.

"There is one more thing. However, we wanted your approval first before we started the paperwork," explained Mom.

"What's that?" I asked. I couldn't imagine what he was going to say next.

"Well, Erika, I know you're almost eighteen and that you'll soon be going to college, but how would you feel about me adopting you and making you my legal daughter?" asked Sam.

It took me a few seconds for his words to sink in. My smile got even bigger and the tears of joy came streaming down. "You really want to do that? I'd love to have you as my dad!" I exclaimed. He took me into his arms and hugged me. I instantly felt safer and secure as I felt his arms surround me.

So, looking back at what happened, in his perverted attempt to destroy me Jason not only made me stronger but he started the chain of events that led to my having a complete family. Life comes with strange and ironic twists.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Eight

Sunday morning I was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper and enjoying a mug of English Breakfast Tea. I was still in my pjs and robe and the bunny slippers Paul had given me for Christmas. I had the day off and I wanted to relax. It seemed like it had been ages since I had a day with no agenda. The birds at the feeder constantly distracted me, but it was a pleasant distraction. From where I was sitting I could look right at the feeder hanging from the big tree in the backyard. I got a real kick out of watching the variety of birds that came to eat at the feeder, and I planned on getting a bird book so I could identify them. I had just filled the feeder and had tossed some seed and peanuts on the ground this morning.

I was in an excellent mood due to the wonderful news that I'd the previous night. Knowing that Mom and Sam were going to get married made me giddy with happiness. What made me even happier was knowing that Sam wanted to adopt me. It really helped my self-confidence.

I really didn't have a large extended family, especially since my birth father had never acknowledged me. Mom had told some of our relatives of my transition and only a few had responded positively. Most never responded, at all and a few returned our Christmas cards unopened. However, knowing that Sam wanted me as his daughter was a huge boost.

I knew Sam had spent the night with Mom. It made me feel so secure knowing that he wanted to be with her. The shower was running, so I knew they were up. I glanced outside and saw a gray squirrel grab a peanut and make a run across the yard. Terri said squirrels were pests, but I thought they were fun to watch.

Mom came into the kitchen a few minutes later. She turned the stove back on to heat up the water.

"Good morning, Mom."

She smiled. "Morning, dear."

Mom had rarely had boyfriends overnight when we lived back in San Diego, and when she did she'd always seemed guilty about it. I was pleased to see that she was now so relaxed and happy.

After she fixed her tea she joined me at the table. "I see someone threw some peanuts under the feeder," remarked Mom. I looked back and saw a big blue and white bird fly away with a peanut.

"Was that a blue jay?" I asked. I was pretty ignorant about East Coast birds, not that I was all that educated about West Coast birds!

"Yes, I think it was," answered Mom. "Did you sleep well?"

"I guess so. I was up quite a while thinking about everything that went down last night. I'm so happy about you two getting married!"

"I know it's kind of sudden, but we saw no reason to wait," added Mom.

"How will his family react?" I asked.

"Well, he seems to think that they'll approve. Most of his family is down in Philadelphia and New Jersey. He said that his family has been bugging him to get married for years."

I wondered what it would be like to suddenly have a bigger family. I then realized I knew nothing about Sam's extended family. I wondered how they'd feel about him marrying a woman with a teenage transgendered daughter. I also hadn't known that he'd never been married.

"Have you talked about a date?" I asked. I watched another blue jay grab a peanut.

"My, we are nosey," replied Mom with a smile. She took a sip of her tea. "We talked about July or August."

"Cool." I began to think about what I would wear.

"I'm glad you approve. We have decided that we want the ceremony up here in Golden Hill. I want the people who are special to me to be there. I've made so many good friends here, and they mean more to me than some people back in California who I just happen to be related to. Sam feels that his family won't mind the drive up here, and he also wants his friends to attend."

I knew what she meant. Besides my friends from school and work I had also grown close to many people here. Terri meant more to me than any of my real relatives. Then there were Mrs. Lincoln, Ms. Bell, and Jenny McCall. It bothered me a little that our real family rejected me without ever even seeing me as Erika, but that was their loss.

"Of course, we both want you to be part of the ceremony." She paused for a second and then started to laugh. "I never thought that I'd be asking you to be one of my bridesmaids!"

We both started laughing. I was soon crying from laughing so hard. Sam walked in and stared at us. He just shook his head, "I don't want to know."

All we had was instant coffee, and Sam said that would have to change or the marriage was off. Coffee drinkers can be so grumpy in the morning! He begrudgingly accepted the instant. He just stared like I was insane when I suggested that he tries some tea.

Mom fixed pancakes and we sat back and enjoyed a nice family breakfast. As far as I was concerned, Sam was my dad now. The paperwork was strictly a formality.

Chapter One-Hundred-Twenty-Nine

After breakfast I excused myself and went upstairs to shower and change. I stripped down and did a quick check of my chest. There was still no change, but considering that I'd only been on hormones for two weeks that was expected. Still, a girl can hope! I also examined my scar and my crooked nose. I wondered if Dr. Ayres was serious about his offer.

The scar was like a battle honor. It had been my daily reminder of what Jason had done to me and how I'd survived. It had also served as physical proof to the rest of the world. Maybe I'd seen it as proof that I was really female because of what he had done to me. But now I felt confident that I no longer needed it. I decided to talk to Mom about Dr. Ayres' offer in a few weeks. He had also suggested a cream I could get that would help the scar heal.

I wanted to see Laura and Cat to share the great news. I got dressed in casual clothes. After my panties, bra, and inserts, I put on my new gray NYC t-shirt and then my overalls. It was getting warmer, but it was still too cool for sandals, and besides it looked like rain. I went back in the bathroom and applied my makeup and checked my hair. I smiled, thinking how it had taken me so long to just put on lipstick when I first got started.

I wanted to wait until after 11:00 before I called Laura and Cat. I went downstairs and finished the last chapters of "Cannery Row." When I reached the last page, I closed my eyes along with the book. I wanted to savor the story and the characters a bit longer. I snapped out of my thoughts of Monterey when I heard Sam calling me.

I got up and joined them in the kitchen. "We need to cover one more thing," explained Mom. "Do you have any objections to Sam moving in here?"

"No. None at all and you really don't need to ask my permission."

Mom smiled. "I appreciate that, dear. We just wanted to be sure that you're okay with all the changes going on."

It was my turn to smile. "Mom, you and Sam accept me undergoing a gender change. So what's the big deal about you two living together?"

Sam just chuckled and shook his head.

It was decided that Sam would keep his old place and use it as storage until his lease expired. Our house was big enough for three of us and it was an easy drive to work for both of them.

They left to go over to his place to pack up enough stuff for him to get by for a couple of days. Mom also wanted to clean out his fridge, so that it didn't turn into a science experiment.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty

I called up Cat and Laura and told them that I had to see them. They arrived a little while later and I could barely hold in my enthusiasm. I had to make Cat promise not to tell her mom.

"So what's the news?" asked Cat.

"Sam asked Mom to marry him! And he also wants to adopt me!" I exclaimed. My best friends were immediately hugging me.

"Erika Warren. It has a nice ring to it," commented Laura with a smile.

"I like the sound of it myself," nodded Cat.

"I don't even have to change my initials!" I quipped.

We decided to celebrate by going out to lunch. As we pulled into the parking lot of Guido's, we saw Alex's car. We walked in and saw Alex and Kristen sitting next to Mike and Tracey. They waved us over.

It was great being with them as we all had a lot to catch up on. I told them about the return of the Red Hill girls and their parents.

Mike told us that he and Alex had gone to State U during break and had met with the coaches. He was pretty excited; it looked like he might get to play immediately as they had a real shortage of kick returners and defensive backs. Alex said that it looked like he might get red- shirted his first year as they had a lot of depth at quarterback. That meant he wouldn't play his first year. But he didn't seem too upset, as it would give him a year to get used to college ball. He said that quarterbacks needed more time to adjust to college than kick returners. Mike retorted that he was just jealous.

They all wanted to hear about my trip to New York. I passed my pictures around, and there were looks of disbelief from the guys when they saw the pictures of me with the models.

"No way! You really met her? Do you know this girl is in the latest SI swimsuit edition?" Mike was pointing to one woman in my photos.

Tracey glared at him. "I doubt that Erika has looked at that issue and, by the way, what were you doing looking at it?"

"Hey, babe, I just borrowed it from Alex. I was just reading the articles."

"Hey! Keep me out of this. I don't know what you're talking about!" Alex backpedaled, laughing.

Tracey and Kristen were staring silently at their boyfriends.

"I think they owe us an apology," growled Kristen. "I think they should take us out somewhere really nice for dinner on prom night. What do you think, Tracey?"

"Nice and expensive," added Tracey with a smile.

"So McDonalds is out?" offered Alex. "I promise that I'll super-size your meal!"

"Okay, we'll make reservations for here," replied Mike. He leaned over and kissed Tracey. We all started laughing.

"You know what would be really fun? If we all went to dinner together," suggested Kristen.

"I agree," added Tracey.

I looked at Laura and saw her nodding at me. "That sounds great. Cat, do you think Matt would like that?"

"Sure, that sounds cool," Cat concurred.

Kristen and Tracey both looked at Cat and smiled. "So tell us... who is this Matt?"

Cat went on to tell everyone about Matt. I could tell that she was really in love with him. I was very happy for her.

Then Laura spoke up. "Erika also has some great news. Go on, tell them," she said, nudging me in the ribs.

I went on to tell them about Mom and Sam's engagement. They all congratulated me. Laura pointed out that I'd left something out.

"What is she talking about?" asked Alex.

"Sam is going to legally adopt me as his daughter!" Each time I said those words I felt a warm glow throughout my body.

"That's so wonderful. We're so happy for you!" exclaimed Kristen.

We spent the next hour talking about all the changes in our lives. As with every time we were together lately, there was a feeling that we wanted time to slow down, just so we could enjoy the moment a little longer. You want to keep friends like these your whole life. We made promises that we'd always get together, knowing deep down that it might never happen.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-One

After lunch we went back to my house. Mom and Sam had arrived just ahead of us. We helped them carry in Sam's stuff.

"A coffee pot? Do you mean you're going to try to convert the heathens?" asked Cat as she looked in the box she was carrying.

"Well, I feel it's my duty to help educate the closed-minded," smiled Sam.

"Never! You can have my teabags when you drag them from my cold dead hands!" I growled.

"Okay, Erika Heston... we see where you are coming from," quipped Cat.

We brought the stuff inside. Cat and Laura congratulated Mom and Sam.

"You haven't told your mom yet, have you, Cat?" asked Mom, as she set a box on the counter.

"No, I haven't. Erika made me promise to wait. But I know she's home right now."

Mom picked up the phone and called up Terri and invited her over. I helped Sam carry some stuff upstairs.

"When are you buying your car?" asked Sam as he hung up his suits in the closet.

"Mom told you about our little bet? I really haven't thought about it much. I've been too excited to see you two together." I put the bags on the floor.

"I have to tell you that I fell for her the first time I saw her. It was very hard to keep a professional distance during the trial. It also gave me added incentive to win your case. I take all my cases seriously, but this was the first one that was really personal. I really wanted to win and put him away because he had hurt you," he confessed.

"I'm really happy that you accept me for who and what I am."

"I saw the real you during the trial process," he replied.

By the time we got downstairs Terri had just come in and Mom was telling her about the engagement. Terri immediately hugged Mom. She then went over and hugged Sam.

"This is wonderful. You two are a great couple," stated Terri. She looked over and saw Cat and Laura standing there. "I suppose you found out before me?"

"Not only that, but I heard some other good news before you!" added Cat.

"Sam is adopting Erika," said Mom.

"I figured I might as well go for broke!" added Sam. "I might as well go from bachelor to husband and father!"

Terri gave me a big hug. She then pulled Mom away to get the details on the wedding.

Cat, Laura, and I helped Sam get the rest of his stuff out of his car. There was a small side room off the living room. Mom and I had used it for storage, but now it would become Sam's office. He told me that he'd have a desk delivered later this week. It didn't take us that long to clean it out. We carried the boxes down to the basement and then joined Mom and Terri in the kitchen.

Sam found a space for his coffee machine on the counter. He seemed very pleased with himself as he started a pot. I actually like the smell of coffee. It's the taste that I've never really gotten used to, with cappuccino being an exception.

Laura had to take off to have dinner with her family, and I broke away from everyone else so I could kiss her goodbye.

"I'll pick you up in the morning, love." We then kissed goodbye.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Two

It was my first day back from break, and I needed to see if we'd all made it back. I knew that there would be at least four of us. I'd seen Denise out in the parking lot as we pulled in. She had bleached her hair white and cut it shorter. Surprisingly she looked good that way. So there'd be at least four left. There was no doubt about Caroline, and Ann had bought a prom dress. I looked around and saw Claire walking down the hall with her flute. I said hi and she waved back. So we had five at least.

I hadn't seen Lisa yet and I feared that she'd dropped out. I then saw Ann walking out of our restroom. I stopped and said hi. I asked if she'd seen Lisa and she shook her head no. I ran out of time and I had to go to homeroom.

"So?" asked Cat, as I sat down next to her.

"I don't now. I didn't see her or..." I paused when I realized that I didn't know Lisa's male name.

"It's Glenn," said Cat, obviously reading my mind.

"Glenn?" I asked.

"Yes, Glenn. Well, you'll find out for sure when you get to American Lit."

The rest of the morning was tough. I didn't want Lisa to be gone. I didn't know Glenn. Lisa, on the other hand, was a good friend. This was hard, as this was the first time that the possibility of a contestant dropping out actually bothered me. I dreaded going into American Lit and seeing some boy who looked like my friend Lisa. I know that I should have wanted the numbers to shrink, but Lisa was my friend.

I looked for Lisa during lunch, but she was nowhere to be seen. No one else had seen her. The good news was that no one had seen Glenn either. I tried to enjoy lunch with my friends. I passed my photos around and we talked about the prom.

I sat down in American Lit and saw the seat next to me was empty. It was Lisa's. Class started and she was marked absent. I knew that I had to see Ms. B as soon as possible.

After school, I went immediately to Ms. B's office. She smiled and asked me in.

"It's good to see you, Erika. I heard that you had a wonderful time in New York with Aunt Silvia," remarked Ms. B with a sly smile. "We do have some things to talk about."

"I do have a lot of questions, but I'm worried about Lisa right now," I interrupted.

"Don't be. We had a call from her parents this morning. Their flight was delayed and they didn't get back to Golden Hill until early morning. She'll be back in school tomorrow. You look very relieved."

"Yes, I was worried that she might have dropped out," I replied, feeling suddenly relieved.

"Wouldn't it serve your purposes better if she'd dropped out? She's your rival for the scholarship, you know."

"I don't care about that. Lisa is a friend."

"Very unselfish attitude," answered Ms. B with a smile, "not totally unexpected however."

We talked a bit about my trip with Mrs. Lincoln, my health, and Mom's engagement. Ms. B brought up my conversation with Mrs. Lincoln on the ride to New York.

"I promise to keep what Mrs. Lincoln told me secret."

"I know you will, and I appreciate that. The note was destroyed, so there is no proof. I've shared the truth with my family including Tom Jr." confessed Ms. B.

"How did he take it?"

"Like I did. He was sad that his father was unable to either get help or accept himself. He was also angry that society's pressures made his father feel like an outcast. He also decided that he'd do his part to change people's attitudes so others wouldn't suffer like his dad."

"Is that why he led the raid against Red Hill?" I asked.

"Yes, I think it had something to do with it. Thankfully, he works with the law now."

It was getting late and I had to get to work. Ms. B gave me a ride home.

"I know that I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me this year," I stated as we pulled into my driveway.

"Your happiness is my reward," she replied.

I felt a lot better about everything as I walked into my house.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Three

Mom dropped me off at work on her way to class. We were each on our own that night, as Sam had called and said that he'd be working late to prepare for a trial starting that week.

There were still girls coming in for dresses, but the frenzy was over. Mrs. Lincoln said it was the most successful sale ever and I was happy to have been part of it. The night was spent helping Mel rearrange some displays. We worked well together since I was immune to her sarcasm, and I could give it back pretty well when I needed to.

My problems started when I took the trash out back. I felt a slight bit of fear as I walked back from dumping the trash. As I walked back to the store, I had a sudden sensation that I was in danger and I had to fight the urge to run back to the store. I didn't freak out or anything, but it did bother me. I did feel my heart pounding as I walked very quickly back into the store.

Once inside, the feeling of fear went away as fast as it had arrived. I went back to the front of the store as if nothing had happened but there must have been something in the way I looked or acted that gave me away. Cindy asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing, but I knew that she didn't believe me. The rest of the evening passed without any problems.

On the drive home, Cindy brought it up again. "Okay, Erika, what happened?"

I explained the feeling of sudden panic in the hallway.

"I want you to tell Jenny about this. You still have a long road ahead of you," she ordered in a very serious tone.

"Did you have a similar experience?" I asked.

"Yes, I had some things to deal with. My recovery was very cyclic, and I went through massive ups and down. It was a bit frustrating at times. Basically, what I want to tell you is that you need to stay in therapy. It will really help you."

I wanted to ask her more questions, but I didn't want to pry. Maybe she could sense my questions as I sat there in silence.

"Look, why don't we get together and talk about this sometime? I know you have group on Saturdays, so why don't I pick you up afterwards and we can go somewhere private and talk about it?" she offered as she pulled into our driveway.

"I appreciate it, that sounds like a great idea," I said. I gave her a big hug and then walked into the house. Thankfully there was no return of the panic I had felt earlier.

To be honest, I was getting fed up with group. There was too much anger and living in the past in many of them. It had helped me through the worst after the attack. I wanted to move on with my life and not dwell on the past. I wanted to talk to someone like Cindy one on one.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Four

When I got inside, I found Mom and Sam setting out dinner. They'd both just gotten home and neither had eaten. They'd had just cooked a pot of spaghetti and it smelled great. I was also hungry, as I'd only had a cup of tea at work.

We talked about our day as we got dinner ready. I prepared the salad and told them that Cindy and I would be meeting after group on Saturday. I didn't tell them about my little panic attack, as I saw no reason to make them worry.

Mom was really enjoying her classes. She said that she was thinking about going for her MBA, especially if her company would pick up most of the tuition. Sam headed that he thought it was a great idea, as he poured her a glass of red wine.

"Terri is thinking about doing the same thing, so we could study together," said Mom, as she took a sip of her wine. "Mmm... that's really good!"

"That would be great. When I start classes, we could form our own sorority!" I quipped.

Sam just shook his head, "That'd be great for my image. I can see the headlines now 'DA Moves into Sorority House!'", he joked as he sliced the bread.

Dinner was great. I didn't mind that it was so late. Just sitting there with Mom and Sam felt so good. It was worth the wait to have a complete family.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Five

I woke up with a start around 3:00 AM. At first, I was completely disoriented and panicky. It took me a second to calm down and reassure myself that everything was okay. I'd just come out of a horrific nightmare. In it, I was back in Jason's van. I was taped up and he was about to attack me again. It seemed so real. I turned on my light and had to see that it was just a bad dream. I then noticed that I was soaked in sweat. I got up and got a drink of water and changed my pjs.

I'd had many nightmares about the attack before, but they'd never felt so real. The last one had been during the trial. Combined with the earlier panic attack at work I was really worried. Was I about to have a second collapse? Three in the morning is a great time for personal fears to sink in. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I went to an old ally to force my fears away. But bringing up my hatred for Jason only made me feel worse. Was I becoming as bitter and angry as Dana and some of the others?

I didn't want to try to sleep, afraid of another nightmare, and I was debating on what to do next when I heard Mom at my door.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked. She walked in and sat down on my bed.

I went on to tell her about my nightmare and the earlier incident. I expected her to give me grief over not telling her about the incident at work, but she said nothing. She just sat there and put her arm around me and listened to me. I felt better talking about it with her and soon felt very sleepy.

I woke up at my regular time. I was tired, but I felt calm. I showered and dressed and went downstairs for breakfast.

Mom and Sam were already downstairs. I could smell the aroma of Sam's coffee. It instantly made me feel safe and secure. To this day, the smell of coffee in the morning is very comforting, even if I still drink tea.

I greeted them and sat down at the table. From the concerned looks on their faces, I knew they'd been talking about me.

"I'm calling Jenny this morning," stated Mom. I knew from the serious tone of her voice that this was not subject to discussion.

"I understand," I replied. I had a regular meeting with her after school, but I knew that it was important that she knew what had happened. "I know I should have told you about work last night. I just didn't want you to worry and I thought it was a one time incident."

"You can always talk to us about everything, Erika," reminded Mom, "It's our job to worry about you."

"Erika, you are very important to us. Seeking help is a sign of strength and not weakness," added Sam.

I got up and hugged both of them. Thankfully I held back my tears.

"I'm so grateful that I have such understanding parents. I want to make one thing very clear, that this relapse or whatever it was had nothing to do with you, Dad."

"I know that, hon," he replied

That was the first time I called Sam "Dad". It felt very good. I could tell that it got to him too: his grin was a mile wide.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Six

Cat sensed that something was wrong, but she waited for me to bring it up. Laura looked upset as I told them what had happened.

"You may want to lose your hatred of Jason, but I wish he was dead," uttered Laura. I'd never heard such bitterness in her voice.

"Look... no need for you guys to be upset. I'll get through this. I won't try to carry this whole weight on my shoulders like last time."

"You've got that right," added Cat. "I know that I don't really need to say this, but if you need to talk, regardless of the time, call me."

"That goes double for me," smiled Laura.

"Thanks. Now do me a favor and keep this between us, okay?" I asked.

We pulled into the student lot and made our way to homeroom. I was happy to see Lisa as we entered the school. We agreed to talk during American Lit.

Laura and I kissed goodbye. I told her that I needed her more than ever. She smiled and said she felt the same way. I felt better as I walked into homeroom. Paul was in full class clown mode. He was finishing telling some story that had everyone laughing. Even though we had broken up months ago, we still cared a lot about each other. He obvious sensed that I was troubled and he tried to cheer me up. I think that he still felt some guilt about the attack. He came up and modeled the t-shirt that I'd bought him in NYC. He did some silly poses and I had to admit that it made me laugh.

The rest of my day went pretty well. Being around people was the best medicine and I felt better as the day progressed.

Lisa and I had a good talk at lunch. She told me that her family had flown down to Washington, DC during break. Her father was being offered a job and they'd turned his interview into a short vacation.

"So, if he gets the job, when will you move?" I asked.

"He'll go there by himself, then Mom and the rest of us will join him after I graduate. They want me to finish high school here," she replied.

"Are you staying in the contest?" I asked.

"Yes, for now anyway. I'm having some second thoughts," she confessed.

"Well, do what is right for you. I'll be your friend either way." I made no effort to talk her into staying in. It would have to be her choice.

"Thanks, Erika, I appreciate that you'll always be my friend regardless of my decision!"

I sat there for a moment then spoke. "You need to decide what feels good for yourself. You know, better than I, that the class will support your decision."

"So you wouldn't care if I came to school as Glenn tomorrow?" she asked.

"I'd miss Lisa, but I figure that Glenn would be a great friend too."

"Thanks," she said.

I had no idea of what decision she was going to make. But I knew that it was important that she makes the choice that would make her happiest.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Seven

After school I met Mom and she drove me over to see Jenny. We talked about my day at school and how I felt. I knew Mom was more concerned than she showed. After all, she'd skipped her class that night so she could be with me.

Jenny met us in the reception area and walked me back to her office. I was afraid that she was about to put huge restrictions on my life again, or even worse, blame this on Sam moving in.

She had me tell her what had happened and she allowed me to express my fears. I was relieved that she said that she'd let me go on with my present schedule. She also said that Sam's being there was obviously good for me. I then asked her why I suddenly had these incidents after going for weeks with no problems. She went on to tell me again about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Rape Trauma Syndrome.

"Erika, anytime a person goes through a traumatic experience the effects can be very long lasting. Having fears and nightmares are very common. I can't promise that they will go away. I'll try and help you learn to live with them."

"So, I may have these sorts of things the rest of my life?" I asked, dreading her answer.

"I can't answer that. But I want you to know that this is part of the healing process and that it isn't your fault. We accept residual pain as part of recovery from an injury to our bodies. It's more difficult to accept it when it's to our mind and soul," she answered.

We talked more about what was going on and how I should try cope with my fears and nightmares. I was happy that she didn't talk down to me or treat me like a kid. I also accepted that I'd need her for a long time. She thought that seeing Cindy would be a good idea and it would help us both.

We talked much longer than normal, but she felt it was necessary. We made an appointment for the following week and she told me to call her if I needed to. I promised that I'd do as she asked.

I spent a quiet night at home, not planning on staying up too late. I needed a good night's sleep. I talked to Laura for a while and then traded a few e-mails with Cat. I hoped that their strength would carry me through this rough spot.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Eight

Once again my sleep was shattered by nightmares that forced me to relive what Jason had done to me. This time it was more horrible as it diverted from what had actually happened. I was on the ground and Jason was holding a knife to my throat. I fought back this time, and I saw the knife being raised and being slammed down towards my throat. I screamed and woke in my darkened room. I was breathing heavily, my heart was pounding, and my face was wet with sweat. I fumbled for the light and was relieved to see that I was in my room. The feeling of panic began to subside.

I sat there for a second and was startled by Mom opening my door. I managed to smile when she looked in.

"Sorry." I wiped the tears from my face.

She came in and sat next to me. "Tell me about it."

I told her about the nightmare. I hadn't realized at first that I had actually screamed. I was worried that my behavior would negatively affect their relationship.

"I guess Sam is having second thoughts about moving in with you and your crazy daughter."

"No, he isn't," answered Sam. He was standing in my doorway. "You're not crazy, Erika; please don't say that again."

I looked up and smiled, it was either that or start crying, "Okay, Dad." I cannot express what his support meant to me.

They sat up with me for a little while. I told them that I was better and that they should go back to bed. I then went back to bed and thankfully had no more nightmares.

Chapter One-Hundred-Thirty-Nine

Jenny had told me that I might have a series of nightmares. She'd said that it could last a few days or go on much longer. I was beginning to see the real hideous nature of Jason's crime. He'd violated me in more ways than I had imagined.

I decided to maintain the open lines of communication between myself and Cat and Laura. Cat found the fact that the latest dream deviated from reality very interesting.

"In the actual attack you didn't initially resist, and in your dream you tried to fight him and he obviously was going to kill you," explained Cat.

"Thanks, I feel much better now, Dr. Hawkins," I quipped.

"Okay, smartass, what if this means you're trying to work out any guilt you have over not fighting back?" asked Cat. She then cracked a smile.

"Well then, I now know that initially screaming would have been a bad idea. So what do you think suddenly caused this?" I asked.

"Save that question for Jenny," suggested Cat. "Seriously... you should keep a journal and write all this down, including the dreams."

"I will. Thanks for caring."

"Do you really think that dreams have real meaning?" asked Laura.

"I don't know. But I do know that those nightmares were very realistic," I answered.

"I think they have meaning if we want them to," added Cat.

"Changing the subject, are you sticking around this afternoon to help Coach Chambers?" asked Laura.

"Yes. Jenny told me that I could keep my regular schedule. Why?" I asked.

"Just wondering if you want a ride home or not. I have to stick around for a couple of hours today. The prom committee needs my expert leadership!" she stated with a large dose of sarcasm.

"That would be nice, thanks," I replied. I suspected that something was up, but kept silent.

The weather was really nice. It was sunny and warm and there was a nice breeze blowing. I was wearing a khaki skirt, a blue top and my school jacket. I'd also taken my sandals out of their winter hibernation. They felt good and served as a promise of warmer weather.

During homeroom I was given a pass to see Ms. B. I figured that it had something to do with my latest problems. Sure enough Ms. B wanted me to know that she was there to help.

I sat down in her office. This was one of my safe havens. We all have places where we know that we are safe, or at least feel safe. Now I knew why she, along with a few other teachers, had a Safe Zone sticker on her door. This was a sign to any student that they had a refuge.

I proceeded to tell her about my nightmares and the panic attack. I really appreciated all my friends' concern and help, but at the same time I felt a little embarrassed by it. I was also a bit afraid that my continuing problems would have a negative effect on my friends and family. Yes, I know this was dumb, but those sorts of things go through your head at times like that.

"By the way, there will a special meeting at lunch tomorrow for the group," said Ms. B.

I looked at her and wondered what she meant by 'special meeting'. I knew that it was pointless to ask, so I didn't bother.

The rest of school went by without any problems. My problems weren't being around people; it was when I was alone that they arrived. The only side effect of my problems was that I was tired most of the time. I was desperate for a good night's sleep.

Helping Coach during practice was fun, and by afternoon the weather was beautiful making it a pleasure to be outside. Maybe you need a harsh winter to really appreciate the nice days. This would have been a typical day in San Diego, and I doubt that most of us there would have given it much thought. Coach kept me busy and I was darting around from one part of the practice field to another. I didn't mind, as I was having too much fun just being out with the team.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty

After practice I changed and caught up with Laura. She told me about all the politics going into the planning for the prom. I haven't talked a lot about Laura's role as class president all that much. She's a very effective leader, however. She didn't try to do everything herself and had delegated a lot of tasks to the rest of the student government. She told me that she really enjoyed being in charge and bringing order to chaos. The class had been wise to elect her.

She drove me home and we went over to see Cat. We sat up in her room and talked.

"Erika, I just got a new cell phone, and I want you to call me if you have another nightmare. Don't worry about waking me up." I knew that this wasn't just being said out of politeness; Cat didn't function that way. She wrote the number down and handed it to me.

I took the card and put it in my purse. "Thanks." There was much I could have said, but it was unnecessary with Cat. I knew by Laura's reaction that they were both in on this.

Cat showed me some websites about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Rape Trauma Syndrome. Jenny had given me a list that included some of these sites during my collapse after the trial. Cat went to one and pointed out a section to me showing the importance of being around loved ones and friends.

"We're going to be with you through this. Never, ever doubt that," reiterated Cat.

"And don't worry about this affecting us. If anything, I love you even more," added Laura.

I sat there for a second and tried to stay composed. I knew that if I started to talk I'd start crying.

"It's okay to cry Erika, chicks are allowed to do that." Cat smiled.

I followed her suggestion and had a really good soul-cleansing cry while Laura and Cat held me; I could feel their strength being passed on to me.

The release of emotion felt good. It wasn't as draining as responding to the nightmares; in some ways it made me stronger. I excused myself to wash my face. Thankfully I didn't have a lot of makeup on, so I didn't have 'raccoon eyes' from mascara. The cold water worked wonders.

Cat asked if Laura and I wanted to stay for dinner. I figured that Laura already had permission. It wouldn't surprise me if Mom and Terri were in on this conspiracy. I called Mom up and she said that it was a great idea.

Thankfully our dinner conversation had nothing to do with my issues. We just had normal talk about school, the prom, college, etc - nothing too deep or serious. Terri did bring up the upcoming wedding. Mom had asked her to help plan it, and she was determined to make it into a memorable event. Actually the term she used was the 'Social Event of the Year'. I wasn't sure that Mom wanted something that big, but it was fun to plan. Mom had asked Terri to be the maid of honor. I thought that was appropriate, as she'd become as close as a sister to Mom. Much like Cat and I.

Terri then brought up Sam and Mom's trip to Philadelphia in three weeks. Sam had a conference there and Mom was going with him. It would allow her to meet his family. I was happy that they were going.

"You know you can sleep here, Erika, we have a guest room," suggested Terri.

"She can sleep in my room. I do have a second bed," added Cat.

"Do you think you can have it excavated by then? You only have three weeks!" quipped Terri. Cat's second bed was usually covered with clothes and books.

"That sounds great," I agreed. I knew that I really didn't have a say in this, even if it was an offer. Besides, I really didn't want to be alone while they were away.

We helped clean up after dinner and then I went home. Cat and Laura walked over with me. I didn't argue with them. I was happy that I had such good friends.

I hugged Cat and then kissed Laura goodbye. Mom and Sam were sitting at the kitchen table having coffee. I shook my head in mock disbelief. "You converted her!"

"Yes, and you are next!" said Sam in a monotone, trying to sound like one of the Borg. "Resistance is futile."

I walked over and turned on the kettle and took out the tin that we kept our teabags in. I reached in and took out a bag of my dream tea. Maybe the chai spice black tea would counter any nightmares. I opened the envelope that held the bag and took a deep sniff. I dramatically held up the teabag and placed it slowly in my mug.

"Never!" I pledged.

"On a more serious note, do you think that you should be drinking that this late?" asked Mom.

"Jenny suggested that I try to go on as normally as possible. Besides tea doesn't keep me awake, unlike coffee," I quipped, getting in one more salvo. Sam rolled his eyes then winked at me.

"Okay, I'm just being the concerned mother," Mom stated with a smile.

"Mom, I appreciate that. Speaking of concern, whose idea was the dinner next door?" I asked.

"It was a group idea," confessed Mom. "I want to say that you're lucky to have such loyal friends."

"I know," I answered. The water began to boil and I filled my mug.

I told them about my staying with Terri and Cat while they were in Philadelphia.

"You have no objections?" asked Mom.

"None at all. It'll be fun" I finished preparing my tea and joined them at the table.

"I promise that I'll take you on our next trip down there. I'll love showing you around," offered Sam.

"Will you take me to a real cheesesteak place?" I asked.

"You bet!" he said, "I'll take you down to a place in South Philly. I'll also introduce you to real Philadelphia sticky buns." He then explained what a cheesesteak was to Mom. She looked disgusted by the idea of eating something like that. This from the woman who'd taught me to eat fish tacos!

We talked a while longer and then I went to bed. I hoped that I'd have a restful night. I took out Cat's number and placed it next to my phone. I hoped that I wouldn't need it.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-One

I found myself in the dumpster again. My wrists were taped behind my back,
and I was struggling to get out. The walls of the dumpster were much higher, and this made it more difficult to get out. With great effort, I made it out and fell to the ground. When I got up I saw Jason's van driving towards me. I tried to run, but my legs wouldn't move. The van was just about on top of me when I woke up.

As before, I was breathing hard and my heart felt like it would jump out of my chest. I was also soaked in sweat. I regained control and was comforted by knowing that it was a just a bad dream. Still, it had me badly shaken. I glanced over at the clock and saw that it was 3:45 AM. I sat up, reached over, and turned on the light. I found Cat's number and after a moment's hesitation I called her.

The phone rang and I heard Cat's voice. "How bad was this one?" she asked.

I told her what had happened. She was very compassionate and did her best
to make me feel at ease. We talked for thirty minutes, and then I felt good enough to try to get a bit more sleep. I thanked her being there for me.

At breakfast I told Mom and Sam about my latest nightmare and my conversation with Cat. Mom was a bit peeved at me for not waking her, but also grateful that I had at least sought help. She also said that she was going to call Jenny again. I didn't argue.

"Do you feel up to going to school?" asked Mom

"School isn't a problem; neither is work," I replied.

"Speaking of work, I want to give you a lift there tonight," offered Sam.

"I'd like that. Thanks, Dad."

Cat had updated Laura that morning on my latest nocturnal horror show. She
looked very worried and I tried to reassure her that I was okay. Cat told me that she had e-mailed me my descriptions of the nightmare, so I could show Jenny the next time I saw her.

I went to school and tried to act as if nothing was wrong. That was hard. Part of me didn't want anyone to know about my problems due to pride and fear of being ridiculed. Another part wanted everyone to know. The real me was somewhere in between.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Two

Classes were going pretty well. American Lit was the only class that I had a big project in. I'd read both books and had actually started the paper, even though it wasn't due for two weeks. The rest of my classes were pretty easy. I had a photo essay to finish up, but I still had a few weeks. Child development was a breeze now, and all I had left was a critical book review to write. And in Mr. Kline's class I had pretty much wrapped up an A, thanks to my lecture.

I ran into Caroline on the way to the meeting with Ms. B. Cat and Laura had
told her about my problems. I didn't mind, as Caroline and I had always shared our problems. I asked her to keep it a secret from the rest of the group. I also figured that Caroline was in with Laura and Cat to watch over me.

We were first to the meeting. I asked Caroline if she'd noticed any changes from the hormones. She said that she hadn't seen any yet.

Ms. B came in and said hi. She then told us that our group would need a new name. I immediately thought about Lisa. Before I could ask her, Lisa and Denise walked in together, followed by Ann.

"Claire dropped out?' asked Caroline, her voice showing her disbelief.

"Yes, Charlie called me last night. Apparently he'd just found out that he's been awarded a full scholarship and grant to study music in New York City. He said that there was no need for him to stay in the competition," explained Ms. B.

I was stunned. I thought Claire had looked the most feminine of anyone in the group. I'd also thought that she might have been the third person. I was also amazed at how quickly Ms. B could shift in gender when talking about her. It took me much longer to make the change.

There was a long silence in the group. I didn't know her that well, but she
was nice. On the other hand, it was cool that she'd gotten a scholarship

"How about Fab Five?" asked Caroline.

We all agreed that it was a good name. Denise said that if we dropped to four it would be easy enough to change. That made us all smile a little, even if it was morbid gallows humor. I felt a bit down about Claire dropping out. When we lost someone now, it was like there'd been a death in the family.

"I have something for each of you," said Ms. B. She then handed us each a large envelope.

Inside were 8x10 glossy photos from the fashion show. There were several of me in the wedding dress and one each of the other outfits. There was also a photo of me with everyone else. The one that I liked best was the one with me tossing the bouquet.

We all looked at each other's photos. There was a slip to order duplicates. The bouquet shot was very popular.

"Now we still have a few things in store for you remaining contestants. First off, you'll be required to go to Prom. I know that most of you have already figured that out. In two weeks you'll be working as waitresses at the charity fundraiser."

She went on to explain that every year the town held a fancy charity dinner to raise funds for some civic cause. It was a black tie event and in addition to the meal there was a charity auction. I'd heard them talking about this at work. It would be our next big rush. It was also a tradition for the high school senior class to provide the waitresses. Each group, club, and team was expected to provide volunteers. Of course, we were all volunteered. Additionally the school would ask for volunteers. The guys didn't get out of this as they served as waiters and busboys. She told us we would have a meeting with all the workers next week.

There were some groans, but I thought it would be fun until I realized that Mom and Sam would most likely be there, along with Mrs. Lincoln! Still it should be fun.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Three

Sam waited downstairs as I changed for work. Even though I'd have to change again once I was at work, I knew that Mrs. Lincoln didn't approve of staff arriving in jeans. I slipped on a floral pattern dress and some heels. I was actually used to wearing them now.

On the way over to work Sam and I talked. He told me that Jenny wanted to see me on Saturday. I was expecting something like that. I was also pleased that he was showing concern for me. Then I brought up the charity dinner and how I would be working as a waitress.

"Well, now I have another reason to attend. It's a great deal of fun, and you'll have a great time."

Sam walked me into the mall. He claimed that he wanted to meet my co- workers, but I knew that he wanted to look after me. I didn't mind, as it was cool showing off my new dad.

I introduced him to Cindy and Mel and I went back to change. I stopped first at Mrs. Lincoln's office and knocked at her door.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Lincoln, but I have someone up front that I'd like you to meet."

"Who is that, my dear?" she asked.

"My dad, Sam Warren, the DA," I stated with a sense of pride.

"Well, that's someone I want to meet. Thank you for telling me." I saw her look at her watch and I got the hint to get ready for work. "Erika, I do want to talk to you later this evening,"

"Yes, Mrs. Lincoln," I answered. Obviously, Ms. B had talked to her.

I went back and changed to my dress for the evening. It was a nice light spring dress. I had to admit that wearing it made me feel better.

I walked out and saw Sam talking to Mrs. Lincoln. Not surprisingly they got along quite well. Sam let out a low whistle when I joined them. I felt my face blush. He told me that he'd pick me up after work.

Mel and Cindy were very impressed with Sam. When Cindy and I were alone she
talked to me a little about her case. The DA who'd prosecuted it didn't do a good job in her opinion.

"From everything I've heard about Sam, I wish he'd worked my case. You still on for Saturday?" asked Cindy.

"Yes, I really need to talk with you," I stated.

Mrs. Lincoln didn't give me the strict talking to that I'd expected. Instead, she showed her concern and told me that if I needed time off that it wouldn't be a problem. I told her that work was something I looked forward to and that Jenny had agreed that it was good for me.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you at the charity dinner," added Mrs. Lincoln, as I walked out of her office. I was happy to see Ms. B was keeping everyone well informed.

Work went well. Mel had me assist her in the display for the gowns for the big charity dinner. She told me that she'd been a waitress for the dinner when she was a senior. She said that it was a lot of fun and in some ways it was seen as an honor to work there.

Mel offered to take the trash out, but I insisted on doing it. She played lifeguard and watched as I walked to the exit and the dumpster. As I tossed the bag in, I felt a sudden sensation of fear. It was as if I had to get away from there. I remembered the "fight or flight" lecture from biology. I was determined to beat this, so I walked back, fighting my urge to run. I was angry that I had these feelings popping up for no apparent reason.

Mel asked if I was okay. I said that I was a bit shaky, but I'd survive. She told me that she would dump the trash from now on.

"Please, let me do it. If I give in to this, then what is next?" I pleaded.

She smiled and nodded, "You're almost as stubborn as I am."

Sam picked me up and I told him about my incident. He was silent at first.

"I feel sorry for what you're going through. In my career I've seen a lot of the negative effects of crime on victims and their families. I'm very proud of the way you're fighting through this and that you're not giving up."

"That means a lot to me, coming from you. I'm so glad you're here."

"I have faith that this will pass. You're stronger than you know."

I wished I had as much faith as he did.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Four

Mom told me that she'd made an appointment for me with Jenny for Saturday afternoon at 2:00. I nodded and told her what had happened at work. I had promised myself not to keep these things secret.

Thankfully I had a night's sleep without nightmares. I hoped that it might be over for now, but deep down I knew that was too good to be true.

At school I saw Charlie for the first time and he was just as shy as Claire. I walked by the display and saw the photos of the Fab Five. Denise's picture looked nothing like her; in fact, we all looked different. When I looked at the pictures taken back in the fall, I saw boys in dresses. Now I saw five teenage girls. I still wondered who was the third, was it Ann, Denise, or Lisa?

I helped at the track meet that afternoon. I saw Laura in the bleachers and waved to her. I was looking forward to our date and a trip to Spencer's. I wanted to be in her arms so badly. I thought about kissing her and the feel of her touch. I had to quickly refocus on the task at hand. I couldn't miss the times in the sprints because I was lusting after Laura!

It was still cool in the evenings and I needed a jacket. Normally a high school jacket in a college area coffeehouse would be a fashion blunder, but Central High jackets were always met with smiles. Even the students who were from other areas knew about our school's more progressive views.

I need to include something that had happened at a previous visit to Spencer's. Laura and I had been sitting there when a couple of guys asked us about the scholarship program. They seemed very interested in the program.

"Are you friends with any of the contestants?" asked one guy.

"Yes, I know a few of them," answered Laura, holding back a laugh.

"Well, it would be cool if they'd come here sometime. Tell them that they are welcome here anytime," he replied.

"I'll be sure to pass that on," I added.

After they left, we broke out in giggles.

Anyway, back to Friday evening. We sat on a different couch as our normal spot was taken. Laura asked me if I had sprouted yet. I smiled and said not yet.

"I don't believe you, I'll have to check myself," she joked.

We got up and checked out the bulletin board. There were always interesting postings. What caught my attention was a poster for The Downfall of Humanity. I noticed the change in the name. They had underlined the 'the fall of man' in their name, and I smiled at the inside joke. Everyone in the band was a woman except Denise, and with her, who knew!

As we stood there two women came up and pointed to the poster. They said that they were pretty good. I smiled and said I wished I could see them again.

"I guess they really are better," Laura remarked to me.

"Have you heard them lately?" asked one of the women, overhearing her comments.

"No, we know the drummer, and the last time we saw them they were a work in
progress," I added.

"Well, they're really good now. So you know Denise? That's cool, she's a great drummer, but she I wish she was a bit more butch," said the second girl.

We both laughed and I told Laura that I couldn't wait to tell Denise that.

Chapter Hundred-Forty-Five

Back at Laura's we went up to her room to play around. She was very interested in my changes. We decided to photograph me each week to document any changes. She took my photo from the waist up using her digital camera. Of course my top and bra were off.

After the picture she led me to her bed. "No sense in letting this opportunity go to waste," she said, and we began to kiss. I felt her hands on my chest. She gently stroked my nipples, much like she had shown me. It felt good, but I still didn't get a big reaction out it. She unbuttoned her blouse and took it off, followed by her bra. We made out and cuddled for almost an hour. At ten we stopped and got dressed.

"My parents are cool about us, but I don't think they're ready to see me half-naked and making out with you," she said with a laugh. As we dressed she looked at me and smiled. "I really love you, Erika."

"I love you too, Laura." I told her about my thoughts during the track meet.
She got a thrill out of that.

Laura drove me home and we talked about my schedule for Saturday. I said that I'd call when I got home from seeing Jenny. I hoped for a calm, restful night.

She dropped me off and we kissed for a long time. "Sweet dreams," she said
as I got out of the car.

I hoped that she was right. I went inside and found that Mom and Sam were still out. That wasn't a problem, as I didn't feel uneasy about being alone. I did turn on the TV for noise as I made a mug of tea.

I did some channel surfing and settled on an old movie. It was some detective story, and it had been shot in New York. I decided to watch and see if I recognized any places. I suddenly recognized the actor that I'd met in NYC. It was one of his early roles before he became famous. He was questioning two 'working women' in a sleazy bar. He asked them about the crime he was investigating. They both looked familiar. I couldn't place them at first, but then I recognized them. The redhead was Violet from the party, and the blonde looked like Mrs. Lincoln! It wasn't a great movie, but I stuck with it until the credits. Thankfully they included the supporting cast. Sure enough, the redhead was Violet Shaw and someone named Sylvia Stone played the blonde. The first name matched, and that was too much of a coincidence. I looked in the TV guide and saw that it was being repeated at 3:00 AM. I found a blank tape and set the timer. I really wanted to have a copy of this!

I went upstairs and checked the Internet and found some listing for Sylvia Stone. There were several listings for bit parts in movies, along with many plays and musicals. I printed out the list. This was pretty cool. I wondered what other secrets Mrs. Lincoln had?

My phone rang and it was Mom telling me that they'd be home soon. I held off going to bed until they got in. I changed into my pjs and bunny slippers and put on my robe. I went back downstairs and turned on the TV again. I was fighting to stay awake when they came in. I said good night and went to bed.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Six

I was back at work and was walking down the back hallway I walked out the exit and was approaching the dumpster. I was surprised to find a crowd of people looking into it. They didn't seem to notice me as I approached. I couldn't make out any details on the people, as they were all blurry. I could hear them talking and pointing into the dumpster. No one seemed to notice my presence. I moved through the crowd and looked in. I saw what looked like the body of a young woman, her hands were taped behind her back, and she appeared to be dead.

At first she seemed to be all fuzzy and out of focus, almost like when they blur out the face of a suspect on TV. Slowly her face came sharper into focus. I gasped in horror....it was my face.

I tried to pull back but couldn't. I turned away and suddenly I was the one lying there in the dumpster. Everyone was now looking at me and taking photos and writing down notes. The other people became clearer and I could see that they were policemen. I heard one say, "I think she's been dead for five hours."

I tried to move, but couldn't. I tried to talk, and then scream, but nothing came out. I wanted to let them know I was alive. I couldn't move or talk. They pulled me out of the dumpster, totally limp, and set me on a gurney. They examined me and discussed the cause of my death. I saw them probing around my throat. One said that it looked like a hunting knife caused it. I tried to scream or move or anything, but nothing worked. They then began to cover me up with a sheet, and that is when I woke up.

I was crying hysterically as I threw back the sheets on my bed. I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. I fumbled for the light and almost knocked it over. The light cut into the darkness and made me feel safer. Slowly I gained emotional control and began telling myself that it was only a dream. I began to repeat this over and over again, as if the words would make me feel better.

Reaching for the notebook that Cat had given me, I began to write furiously in it. I wanted to record all the details before they faded. The dream was so vivid and detailed. I actually reached up to my throat to feel for a wound. I was so engrossed in my writing that I failed to notice my door opening.

"You all right, honey?" asked Mom.

I looked up at her and it must have been obvious that I'd had another bad one. Mom came in and sat on my bed next to me. Her arm around me made me feel much better. I explained my dream and handed her the notebook.

"That must be why I've freaked out so many times while I was dumping the trash. There must be some association in my mind between how Jason dumped me and the dumpster at work," I announced.

"That sounds logical," added Mom. She then pulled me closer to her. I began to cry softly again. Mom didn't say a word, she just held me and stroked my head.

I guess I fell asleep in her arms. I woke up later and I was back under my covers. I checked the clock and saw that it was after 10:00 AM. I was about to jump out of bed in a panic when Mom walked back in.

"I called Karen Buford and Cindy and cancelled your meetings. They totally understood why you couldn't see them today. I also talked to Jenny about what happened."

"Thanks. I can't believe that I slept this late."

"Jenny will be here at noon; you have plenty of time to shower and eat."

I took her up on the suggestion and got out of bed. I had to admit that the extra sleep made me feel better. After a shower I got dressed, I selected a new floral pattern dress. I wanted to look nice.

Sam was reading the paper when I came downstairs. I went over and kissed him good morning.

I grabbed a glass of OJ and sat down at the table. It was raining softly outside and the feeder was presently abandoned.

Mom asked me if I wanted anything to eat, and I told her that I wasn't hungry. She insisted that I eat something, so I had a bagel with cream cheese. There was some more small talk. We were all dancing around the real topic.

"I'm okay with us talking about last night." I really wasn't, but I knew that it was a good idea to talk about it.

"Who had the idea to record the dreams?" asked Mom.

"Cat, who else?" I said with a smile.

We talked for a while. I guess they just wanted to reassure me that they loved me and would always be there for me.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Seven

Jenny arrived and Mom and Sam left. They told me to call when we were finished.

"How about we go up to your room to talk?" suggested Jenny.

"Okay, but be prepared, it isn't very neat," I warned.

"A teenager with a messy room? That does sound disturbing," she retorted in an ultra-serious tone.

The joke helped to break the tension.

She sat down in my computer chair and I sat on the bed. I watched as she looked around my room.

"I like that," she commented, as she pointed to my banner from school.

"It's a constant inspiration to me. And it's a reminder of that I have some great friends who care about me."

"So, tell me about your latest nightmares."

Right to the point, I thought. I opened up the notebook and read my descriptions of each dream. I then went into my feelings regarding the dumpster and its significance to my problems.

"You may be right in your theory, Erika. I'm sure it was frightening when Jason threw you in that dumpster. I want you to tell more about it."

I went into a retelling of what had happened as I'd struggled to get free. I initially told it like I was on the stand. I kept my emotions in check and was in control. Jenny however sought to get my true feelings out and she peppered me with questions. I then relived the events as I described them and all the anger and fear came back. I held nothing back and let it all out. I suddenly remembered the pain, the smells, the fear, and the humiliation. The emotional torrent had caused me to break down in tears, but it felt good and freeing. She came over and held me as I cried and poured out my emotions.

She directed me to the bathroom and I cleaned up. I didn't feel so bad about letting out my emotions. I washed my face and went back out into the bedroom.

Jenny explained that I wasn't cured or anything like that, but I had taken a huge step towards recovery. She reminded me she'd told me initially that this would take time.

"I know. This is so much to deal with. I just want to get on with my life and not worry about what will be the next thing to trigger some episode related to the attack. Jason got off easy, at least he knows when his sentence will be over."

"You're doing the right things. Don't isolate yourself or abuse yourself. You've handled this better than many patients that I have who are older and more mature; and they aren't also dealing with going through gender reassignment," she explained.

"Thanks for the pep talk, coach!"

We agreed that I'd continue to see her twice a week for now. She also agreed with me about leaving group therapy. It had served its purpose. Jenny told me that Karen had said that it was a very negative group and she was working on ways to improve their attitudes.

I felt better, but I now felt that I needed some way to take out my anger. Jenny said that she had an idea, but that she wanted to run it by Mom and Sam first. I handed her the phone and went downstairs.

"They agreed to my idea," said Jenny.

"So what is it?" I asked.

"I want to keep it a surprise for now," she said. Her cell phone rang and she gave a couple of quick yes and no answers. "I think you'll be more comfortable if you go change. I recommend jeans and comfortable shoes."

I went upstairs and changed. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out what her plan was. I came downstairs and saw a police car pull in our driveway. I was pleased to see Officer Bell walk up to the front door.

I went over and let him in. "Hi, Erika!"

"Hi, Officer Bell!"

"Well, are you ready to go?" he asked. He then leaned over and whispered to me, "By the way, you can call me Tom."

"Go? Go where?" I asked.

"You'll see." He cracked a small smile.

Jenny walked outside with us. She gave me a hug and said that she'd talk to me on Tuesday. I got in the police car with Tom. We drove out of town. I was curious about where we were going. Tom kept the location secret.

We pulled off the main road onto a private road that was blocked by a locked gate. There a big sign stating that this was city property and that there was no trespassing. Tom got out and unlocked it and drove us in and then relocked it behind us. The mystery deepened!

We drove down a dirt road until we reached an opening. He pulled the car into a small parking lot next to a trailer. It was obvious that this was a firing range. On one side of the field was a standard practice range. The opposite side was different. There were old cars and trucks parked in the field. There were also some old metal dumpsters and some large freight containers. There was a high stone cliff at the end of the field.

"This side is our tactical range. We use it for more realistic practice. The chief said we could use it this afternoon as a favor to the DA," Tom informed me, pointing to the field with the old cars and dumpsters in it.

At first I wasn't sure what he meant. Then I watched as he took several gun
cases out of the trunk. He also took out a bag and several boxes of ammunition.

He set the guns down on a stand facing the tactical range. He took out some
goggles and some hearing protection earmuffs.

"So, have you ever fired a gun?" he asked.

I shook my head no.

"No problem, I'll show you what to do. Dr. McCall felt that this would be a good stress release for you. She asked us about it earlier this week. The DA's added request helped make up the chief's mind."

"She asked earlier this week?" I asked. I was stunned.

"Yes, why?" he asked.

"No reason," I smiled. It came to me that Jenny had wanted me to make the
connection myself.

Tom showed me how to safely shoot the various guns. He was a good teacher, and I felt very confident as I aimed the handgun down range at the dumpster. I had to admit that it felt good as I fired at it. I got a rush when I hit it.

Tom then handed me a rifle and helped me aim at a different dumpster. I felt a feeling of satisfaction as I hit it again and again. Tom then handed me a semiautomatic rifle. It was more powerful, and it allowed me to put a few more holes and dents in the dumpster, and also a lot of holes in the ground!

After a nearly an hour out there, I felt like I had worked off a lot of stress. I didn't even mind picking up all the brass shells with Tom. I hoped that this would end my war with dumpsters forever.

Back in town Tom dropped me off at my house. I gave him a big hug and thanked him. Sam and Mom were waiting for me and they asked me how I felt. I told them better and thanked them for their help. I couldn't wait to talk to Jenny on Tuesday and thank her for setting up such an interesting form of therapy.

That night I had a normal night's sleep without incident. My dreams returned to the usual nonsense with debatable meaning. Maybe that particular demon had been exorcised and would not trouble me anymore. I knew that my recovery wasn't complete, but I knew that I could overcome the problems.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Eight

I woke up Sunday feeling refreshed and renewed. I knew that I was on an upswing and that the latest problems were behind me. However, I didn't want to totally forget them. I needed to be aware that similar battles would have to be fought. The war was far from over.

I was the first one up as usual. I fixed my tea and toasted a bagel and read the paper. The birds were all over the feeder. Sam had told me the names of a few of them. I recognized the small yellow ones as goldfinches. I also noticed a small brown rabbit in yard. He was munching on some grass. I joined him in breakfast and took a bite from my bagel.

I heard them stirring upstairs, so I turned on Sam's coffee maker. By the time they came down the pot was filled.

They came down together. Sam thanked me for having the coffee ready.

"So, how did you sleep last night?" asked Mom.

"Great, I feel so much better, thanks." I had heard her peek into my room in the middle of the night.

They joined me at the table and we shared the papers. Since Sam had moved in we had added the Sunday New York Times to the local paper. I got a kick out the entertainment section and seeing all the ads for movies and shows.

Cindy called and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her after work. Mom thought it was a great idea. Cindy also said that she'd pick me up to take me to work.

Work went great and even the dumpster wasn't a problem. It must have heard what I'd done to its relatives out at the firing range!

After work Cindy took me back to her house for dinner. Her husband was out of town on business, so it was just the two of us. I helped her prepare dinner. She cooked some chicken breasts in a wine sauce. I found out that Cindy, like Terri, really enjoyed cooking.

As we ate, we talked about coping and dealing with the trauma of being assaulted.

"I'm happy that you got over your latest problem. That was a unique way of coping with stress."

"It was also a lot of fun. I really liked the semi-automatic rifle. Too bad he didn't have a machine gun!" I said with a laugh. I took a bite of the chicken; it was delicious!

"So were you just shooting at the dumpsters, or did you have a different target in mind?" she asked, "You can be honest with me."

"I must admit that I pictured Jason at the end of the barrel a few times," I felt a bit guilty about admitting that.

"Good. You can't hold in the rage that accompanies this sort of crime. It will only fester in you and turn you bitter and angry at the world. I was taught to forgive and forget. I tried that and it nearly destroyed my marriage and me. I blamed myself for what happened. I'm at peace now, but I've neither forgiven nor forgotten my attacker. I've spoken against him being released three times at his parole hearings."

"If you don't mind me asking, where did you get attacked?" I asked.

Cindy smiled. "I don't mind. I was attacked while my husband was out of town on a business trip. My attacker broke into our apartment and raped me. He made the mistake of making too much noise, and my neighbors called the police. He was caught as he tried to flee the scene."

I sat there in silence.

"It took me a long time to feel sexually comfortable with my husband. He also felt a lot of guilt for being out of town. Thankfully we worked through our issues and stayed together," explained Cindy. She had a look of great satisfaction on her face. "We must have done something right, because we raised three kids together."

"Three kids?" I asked. I was shocked.

She walked over and picked up a framed family portrait. "Yes, Stacy, my youngest, graduated from Central last year and she's now a freshman at Lehigh. Her older brothers, Danny and Tim, are in the navy."

I began to laugh. "I'm sorry, but I thought you were in your thirties!"

Cindy laughed. "Oh, Erika! Don't apologize for that! I've just taken really good care of myself. Actually, I'll be forty-five in August."

I laughed.

"Seriously, you should always take care of yourself. It's a great way of feeling good about yourself," added Cindy.

We talked for a while on various aspects of handling the stress and associated issues. I appreciated Cindy's concern and suggestions. She proved that someone could function and thrive after an assault. She was an excellent role model for me, unlike some of the women in my support group.

"Do you still have episodes like I had?' I asked.

"Not for a long time, thankfully. I've had nightmares, but the worst part was that I pushed my husband away. Thankfully he stayed with me and we have a normal marriage again."

"I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, but it has seemed to worked out for both of us. He's dating a friend, and I'm in love with Laura."

"If you don't mind me asking, how do you see yourself sexually right now?" asked Cindy as she cleared away the dinner plates. "Oh, do you want some tea or coffee?"

"Tea, please," I said. I got up and helped her. "My sexuality is kinda complicated. I guess I'm bisexual. But since I see myself as female, I doubt if I could play the male sexual role. Does that make sense?" She handed me a mug and a box of different teas. I picked out a bag of Earl Grey.

"So, you really are transsexual then? I've known a lot of the girls from school and the competition, but you're the first I have known that was really transsexual. I must admit that I can't imagine you ever as a boy. How did you ever get by?"

"I look back and can see how I was in denial. Thanks to Jenny so many things in my past make sense." I moved back to the kitchen table and sat down. A black cat came into the kitchen and rubbed up against my legs. I reached down and began to pet it.

"How's it going with the hormones?" she asked. "By the way, that's Vickie; as you can tell, she's very friendly."

Vickie hopped up in my lap and made herself at home; I continued to pet her. "So far I haven't noticed any change. I feel more at ease, but that is most likely just knowing that I'm taking them."

"You can shoo her off your lap if you want; she can be a real pest at times. Don't be so sure about the hormones and your attitude. Your feeling of ease may be due to the hormones, they are powerful drugs. I'll bet that you're probably checking your chest daily too."

"Twice a day actually. Don't worry about Vickie. She isn't a bother. I'd love to have a cat." Vickie's purring got louder as I scratched her behind the ear.

"I do some volunteer work at the animal shelter. Come down some time, we always have some lovely cats and dogs. That's where Vickie came from. Besides she's been a wonderful help. Animals can sense when you are in pain and can help you cheer up."

Vickie's purring sounded like a little motorboat.

"It must be exciting to go through puberty again," remarked Cindy. "This time nature is getting it right."

I nodded. "My turn for a question. Why are most people around here so accepting of girls like me?"

"The question should be why aren't other places more accepting. Why should it matter to me if you have the need to live in a gender different than the one you were born with? I think that over the years people have seen that the world hasn't ended because of people transitioning and that those who do change are so much happier."

I sat there petting Vickie as I thought about her answer. If Vickie had something to add to the conversation she kept it to herself.

Chapter One-Hundred-Forty-Nine

I woke up Monday morning and could hear it raining outside. I'd had another night without nightmares. I'd taken a few of the empty brass shell cases and put them on my desk. They acted as my good luck charms to keep away evil dreams. I guess once you know what is causing the fear, it isn't so scary anymore.

I was in a good mood even though it was gray and rainy. During breakfast I brought up the idea of getting a cat. Sam didn't care, or least he acted like he didn't care. I knew that he loved animals and wildlife. Mom said that she'd think about it, but if we got one it would be an indoor cat and it would be fixed. She also said that it would be my responsibility to clean the litter box. She also said that we should wait until after they got back from Philadelphia. That sounded like a yes to me.

"Oh, when do you think we can go car shopping?" I asked. I figured it was time to cash in on the bet.

"We've been talking about that. I'd prefer you wait until you are sure about the scholarship so that you can go to college, but since we had a deal you can start car shopping," Mom reluctantly agreed

"I'll help you pick out a good one," added Sam.

"Okay, I'm holding you to that." I was very excited about the possibility of having my own car!

I was wearing a tan skirt and a green pullover top. I didn't mind wearing skirts and dresses now that the weather was getting warmer. I was expecting Ms. B to shift the dress code any day now.

I looked at my planner for the new few weeks. My weekly schedule was pretty much the same. I still worked on Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays, and I helped Coach on Wednesdays and Fridays. I had therapy with Jenny on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I hoped to be back to once a week therapy again soon. I was out of group. I'd thanked Karen for all her help.

Big events coming up included the charity dinner a week from Saturday night and Sam and Mom's trip to Philadelphia. They'd be leaving the Sunday after the dinner and they wouldn't be back until the following Saturday. Two weekends later was Prom! I figured that Ms. B had something else planned for us before the end of school.

At work that night we were pretty busy with women coming in for dresses and items for the dinner. Cindy said that Mrs. Lincoln's rental business had been packed over the weekend. I told Mel and Cindy about the movie.

"Are you sure it was her?" asked Mel.

"It had to be. I watched the scenes with her in them at least six times!"

"That's pretty cool. She never ceases to surprise me. Can I borrow the tape?" asked Mel.

"Sure, I have in my bag. I'll give it to you after work."

I really wanted to ask Mrs. Lincoln about the movie, but was afraid that she'd think I was prying into her past.

When I got home that night, Mom and Sam were already having dinner. Sam had made up a pot of chili, and it was perfect for a rainy night. He even baked some cornbread to go with it.

I tasted it and it was delicious! "This is really good, Dad. There's a flavor that I can't place, what is it?"

"Beer. I put in several bottles of beer. Don't worry, the alcohol cooks off." He seemed happy that I liked his chili.

It really hit the spot. I asked if there was any mail for me. Mom still screened the mail, as there was still the occasional hate letter left over from the trial. I found it very strange that someone would write a letter to someone they'd never met just to say how much they hate them. Especially from people claiming to be religious.

"It's still on the hall table; I never checked it," stated Mom.

I went out and picked it up. There was the usual junk mail and a few bills. However there was also a large thick envelope addressed to Eric Walters. I brought it in and showed it to Mom and Sam. There was no return address and it was postmarked from out of state.

"Should I open it?" I asked apprehensively.

"Why don't you let me see it first," suggested Sam.

I eagerly handed it to him and watched as he opened it up. There was a letter from some minister. He said that he had befriended Jason in prison was convinced that he was a changed person. He asked me to ask the courts for either a reduction in sentence or a pardon. He went on and on about how I should forgive Jason and allow him to live a free and happy life.

The second part of the letter read more like a threat. It said that he was prepared to lead a group that would make Jason's story very public and that it might have an adverse effect on my life and that of my family. He went on saying how difficult it would be on me if my sinful life were exposed to the world. He wrote that he would expect my response in the next week. He claimed that he knew that there hadn't been a sexual assault and Jason had only pleaded guilty to save me from any more pain.

The letter included copies of letters from other groups offering support for Jason. The minister went on to say that a copy of the package had been sent to the school. Sam recognized several of the groups. He said that they often showed up to protest gay rights.

"This sounds like blackmail," stated Mom. She looked at the letter and I could see how angry she was getting.

"I'll take this to work. I know someone who can help us with this. While my office can't do anything unless he actually breaks the law, I can do things as your future father. We've dealt with these types before. I don't know this particular man, but I know his type. He expects you to be cowed into giving in and then he'll claim a victory for his group. He doesn't care about Jason or you; it's just to help his fundraising," explained Sam.

"So he is doing this just for money and he is attacking my morality? Talk about hypocritical!" I was really pissed.

"As I said, we've dealt with these groups before. We have allies on our side too. I'll make some phone calls tomorrow morning. I have a friend who loves taking on people like this, she'll be very interested in helping us," said Sam.

"So what will happen? I don't want the town to become a zoo," I answered.

"We'll respond to them and tell them that any further contact or intimidation will result in legal action. That sometimes stops them. If they insist on pressing it, then it could get a bit ugly," explained Sam.

I looked at the letter and the name of the 'minister'. I thought I'd do a little research online and check him out. I excused myself and said good night. I checked on the Internet and found several references to Reverend Charlie or 'the Rev'. That wasn't his name, but even today, I think so little of him that I don't want to mention his real name.

He was a minor player in the hate/religious-right movement and apparently was trying to move up. He apparently was a mail order minister without a church. I found he did have a website that seemed to mostly revolve around raising money for his 'church'. The website was filled with anti-gay slurs and comments. I copied all the websites and articles down on a CD. I went down stairs and saw that Sam was still in his office.

"Hey, Dad, I thought you'd find this interesting," I said, handing him the CD.

"I thought that's what you were doing. So what do you think?" asked Sam as he leaned back in his chair.

"I think that you'll eat his lunch if he is stupid enough to take us on."

"I called my friend and she wants to talk to you. She'll be in town Wednesday."

"What's her name?" I asked as I sat down on the edge of his desk.

"Her name is Marlene Hamilton. She works for a legal defense group that tries to counter these so-called religious associations and other hate groups. Don't worry, you'll love her!"

"What time?" I asked.

"I suggested that you two go out to dinner. I know she likes pizza." He looked at his watch. "You'd better get to bed, your mom will kill me if I keep you up much later."

I kissed him good night and went to bed. I slept well, knowing I had an army to protect me.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty

I'd e-mailed Cat and Laura and told them the latest. The assault and its aftermath were like some monster that refused to stay dead. It kept coming back in some new horrible form. My being transgendered added a special touch to this latest mutation. I found it obscene that some "holier than thou" jerk was trying to exploit my misfortune just so other misinformed jerks would send him money. I hoped that Sam's friend would scare him off. The good thing was that this latest problem didn't bother my sleeping. I had a good night's sleep.

When I got to school I went immediately to Ms. B's office. She smiled when I came into her office.

"I was expecting you. Mrs. Lee told me about the letter she received yesterday. She's on the phone with Sam Warren right now."

I was horrified! This nightmare was creeping into my life at school too!

We walked to Mrs. Lee's office. She was waiting for us and waved us in.

"I want you to know that we are going to put up a united front against this person. Mr. Warren told me about his friend. I only know her by reputation, but from what I've heard she is no one to take lightly," stated Mrs. Lee.

"The woman who set up this scholarship provided for events like this. She set up a legal defense fund for just this eventuality. We have contacted our lawyers, and they're studying the letters. This so called reverend has no idea of what he is facing," added Ms. B.

"I'll be meeting with all the remaining contestants today and explaining to them what's going on. Additionally, a letter will be sent home explaining the situation and the school's position," explained Mrs. Lee.

I walked out feeling good about what was happening. The rest of the day went by without incident. Laura gave me a ride to therapy. She didn't mind taking me there as we went for cappuccinos afterward. She also said that she liked to get caught up on the latest scandal sheets. Someone in Jenny's office stocked the waiting area with those grocery store newspapers that had stories on aliens, Bigfoot, and movie star scandals.

Jenny had me talk about what was on my mind. I started by thanking her for setting up my stress release on Saturday.

"So, I take it that you were waiting for me to make the dumpster- nightmare connection?" I asked.

"It works better when the patients figures it out on their own. Just like you did with being transgendered," answered Jenny.

"I also liked the therapy you arranged," I remarked.

"I know it was a bit unorthodox, but I thought it might work."

We then talked about the threat. Jenny admitted that this was a new tactic, but she had seen the damage these types have done.

"Back when the AIDS crisis was at its very worst, they showed up at funerals with signs saying the person who'd just died deserved it and that they were going to hell, regardless of how they'd been infected. They also show up at funerals for victims of anti-gay/anti- transgendered violence. They've also shown up at court cases involving gays and transgendered people. To be honest, I was surprised that they weren't here for your trial," she remarked.

"What I don't understand is why they do this? Do they really think that they are that morally superior to everyone else?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, yes. I also think that they get off on the power of leading their brainless sheep followers. They use religion as a front. What they crave is power. They also like to view the world in black and white terms. It's easier for them to comprehend things. But that doesn't mean that you should underestimate them. Keep me informed; I want to help you however I can," asked Jenny.

Jenny decided that we'd stay at two sessions a week until this latest crisis passed. I joked that when she wrote her life story I'd better get a whole chapter.

After the session I met Laura out in the reception area. She showed me an article in one of the scandal sheets. "You need to go here!" she giggled.

I read the article, shook my head, and tossed the paper on the table, "What a bunch of garbage!" The article was about some woman who claimed that her husband had been turned into a Vegas showgirl by some magical slot machine out in the desert. I really wondered about the people that wrote those stories!

We went down to Spencer's and found an open seat on the couch. I loved coming here, especially with Laura. We talked about school and my session with Jenny. Laura also needed to vent because of all the planning for prom and grad night. We also talked about the fact that May started next week. The school year was really flying by.

Laura suggested that we go get something to eat before it got too late. We were discussing our options when we saw Coach Chambers walk in holding hands with Jenny. They saw us and waved. I'd suspected that they were more than friends, but this was the first proof I had. I was happy because I liked them both. In some ways it made me trust Jenny even more, knowing she'd dealt with similar issues of being different.

After they got their coffee they walked over and joined us. "Good evening, girls. I see you beat us over here," greeted Jenny.

"Yes, Laura introduced me to this place and now it's a post session tradition," I replied.

We talked for thirty minutes or so before we had to leave. It was nice having such good role models.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-One

We went back to my house and we warmed up some of Sam's chili. It was just getting warm when he got home.

"We've having your chili for dinner, you want some too?" I asked.

"Sounds great. Chili always tastes better once it's had a chance to age. Hi, Laura, how're you?" greeted Sam from the front hall. "I'm going to run upstairs and change, be right back."

"Hi, Sam," responded Laura. "It's so cool that the DA is going to be your dad. And what's even cooler is that he lets me call him by his first name!"

When he came down he was wearing jeans and had on a gray Philadelphia Police Dept. T-shirt. He went into the fridge and grabbed a beer. He sat down at the table and joined us as we waited for the chili to heat up.

"I got a call from Marlene Hamilton today," Sam stated as he got up to check the chili. He found that it was hot enough and he filled our bowls. "She'll update you on this group when she arrives."

"Could I be there? This sort of affects me too," asked Laura.

"I don't see a problem with that," said Sam. He handed us each a steaming hot bowl of his chili.

"So, where did you meet her?" I asked. I took a taste of the chili; Sam was right, it was better than last night.

"We took some law classes together. She could have been a damn fine trial lawyer, but she chose a different path. She loves to stand up to bullies." He smiled as he talked about her.

"So, if these groups do come here, what will the local churches do?" I asked.

"Depends a lot on public feelings. Sometimes they come out in support of the person or group being confronted and sometimes they stay silent," he said. He took a piece of cornbread and passed the basket around. "Sometimes they support the hate groups."

"What do you think they'll do here?" I asked.

"I'd be shocked if they didn't support you and the school. This community here supports the program and has seen the positive results. He might do better by protesting somewhere else."

Just then we heard the front door open and Mom came in.

"Mmmm, that smells good," she stated from the hallway. She walked in and greeted us all. "I'm so hungry. The professor only gave us a five minute break."

Mom sat down as Sam got her a bowl and something to drink. I got a kick out of the way Sam treated her. He was a real gentleman and it was great to see how deeply in love they were.

We updated Mom on the events related to the threat.

After dinner I walked Laura to the door. She smiled and pulled me close to her and we kissed long and passionately.

"You have a great family, Erika!"

"I know. It's really a family. I can't imagine Sam not being here."

"See you tomorrow." We kissed again and I watched her walk out to her car. She waved and drove away.

Sam told me that he'd take Laura and me over to Marlene's hotel room the next evening at 6:00 PM. I would have just enough time to get home and change from track.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Two

I was excited about meeting Marlene. I was hoping that she could prevent this issue from getting any bigger. School and track practice blew by in a total blur. All I can tell you was that I know that I was physically in school that day.

Laura drove me home and we went upstairs to change. I slipped on a short denim skirt and a blue top. Laura thought I looked cute. It's so funny how attitudes change. I really was happy to be called cute now.

We went downstairs and waited for Sam. I looked through the mail and found another envelope from the Rev. I decided to wait until Sam came in before opening it. It wasn't as thick as the last one.

"Here he comes," Laura stated, as she looked out the front window.

I looked outside and saw Sam's car pull into the driveway. We walked out to join him. We got in the car and I handed him the envelope. He opened it and read the letter.

"It seems that our friendly harasser wants to remind you that your decision will free an innocent young man and it might prevent your eternal damnation. He also says that if you don't send him the letter by the end of the week that he'll make life very difficult for you, your mother, and your school."

"Why doesn't this jerk get a real life?" grumbled Laura. For the first time I was seeing Laura get very protective of me. It made me love her even more.

"I'll give this to Marlene. She'll find it very useful. Look, I know this isn't easy but we'll get you through this," comforted Sam.

"I know that. I'm just glad that this didn't come up while I was having my problems. It would have made it more difficult to recover."

We arrived at the hotel and Sam took us to Marlene's room. Marlene met us at the door and Sam introduced us. She was a short thin woman in her thirties with her long brown, curly hair in a ponytail. She had a very comforting smile that made me instantly trust her.

We entered her room. It had double beds and one of the beds was covered in papers, as was the table and the top of the dresser.

"Don't worry about my mess. I have a tendency to spread out," she apologized.

Sam handed her the latest letter. She looked at it and shook her head.

"He's using a format that is used by many of these types. I wonder if they give them a form letter and let them fill in the person to be harassed. May I keep this?" she asked. "You'll probably get another letter on Friday or Saturday."

"I'd like a copy when you get a chance. I'll leave you guys to talk. Call me tomorrow at work, okay?" said Sam.

Marlene said that she'd stop by his office tomorrow.

"So, Sam says that you two know a good pizza place?"

We walked out to the parking lot to her car. It was a green SUV. The back bumper had many political bumper stickers and logos. One said, 'Doing my best to piss off the Religious Reich'. There was also one of those Darwin fish on the back hatch.

"I know that this SUV is a gas hog, but I need the storage space. It's my office on wheels," she apologized.

"I imagine that you get a lot of interesting comments on your stickers," I remarked as I got in the front seat.

"Yes, I have. I am not anti-religion, just anti-extremist," she remarked. "There's a difference, although many don't see it that way."

We arrived at Guido's and got a booth. Marlene explained that she'd be sending the Rev a letter informing him to stop all correspondence with me and that if he continued legal action would follow. She said that she could bring many groups to my defense, ranging from the GLBT community to victim's rights groups. She went on to say that if this guy had half a brain he'd back down.

"If he had half a brain, he'd be smarter than he is right now," added Laura.

Marlene laughed. I could tell that she liked both of us.

"So, do you think that he'll back off?" I asked hopefully.

"It's hard to say, sometimes they do and sometimes they'll try to make a sneak attack. That is, they'll say that they are leaving you alone then they'll show up unannounced to protest. Of course, they'll make it a public protest to grab attention. This guy is new, so he'll probably try something, or else he'll lose all credibility," she explained.

Our pizza arrived and we started eating.

"You're right, this is pretty good pizza for being way out here," stated Marlene.

"You came all the way from Philly for this?" I asked.

"Sure, I wouldn't miss a chance to help old Sam out. He's a good man and he really stands up for what he thinks is right."

I thought about what she'd said. If the Rev came here and protested, Sam would be dragged in by association with me. It could have a negative effect on his career. I didn't want to see people close to me get hurt.

"Are we doing the right thing by standing up to him?" I asked.

"Oh, absolutely. These creeps thrive on creating fear and hoping that no one opposes them. They are counting on the victim not fighting back. They love to pick on people who have already been through a lot of pain and suffering. When you stand up for what is right, you'll be surprised who comes to your side!" explained Marlene.

We finished dinner and Marlene drove us home. She told me that she would like to meet again later in the week. Laura suggested that she meet us in Spencer's Friday evening. She liked that idea.

When we got in Sam asked us our opinions of her.

"She's something! I can see why you called her," I remarked.

"I like her a lot - but who pays her?" asked Laura.

"Her group gets grants from various sources as well as donations. You won't get rich in her line of work, but the job satisfaction is pretty high. Almost as good as being a DA," joked Sam.

"Why are you interested in her pay?" I asked Laura.

"I'm thinking of becoming a lawyer. I also like the idea of taking on social injustice."

"Well, I'm sure that Marlene would be happy to tell all about her career," smiled Sam.

Laura had to leave. I kissed her goodbye and told her that she'd make a great lawyer.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Three

Thursday we had a meeting for all of the 'volunteers' for the charity dinner. I knew most of them. In addition to the Fab Five, Kristen, Tracey, Laura, and Cat had all been volunteered to help. I'm not really being fair. Most of us wanted to do this, but being teenagers we acted as if it was a great inconvenience.

Ms. B spoke to us while Mr. Kline talked to the boys. I saw that Paul, Mike, and Alex had all been selected. She told us that we would have a mandatory training session Saturday at noon. The dinner was being held in the banquet hall of one of the hotels. It was the largest facility in town. She also said that we'd be provided with our uniforms for the event.

"Excuse me, Ms. B, but do you know what the outfits look like?" asked Tracey.

"Yes. Don't worry, the outfits are very nice. You'll be wearing a black skirt, white long sleeve blouse, a black waistcoat, and a red bow tie. The boys are wearing something similar: black pants, white shirt, red bow tie, and black vest."

"Excuse me, Ms. B, but what's a waistcoat?" asked Ann.

"It is a like a vest, but is cut lower in the front and is tighter around the waist," she explained.

"That means it will show off our boobs better," whispered Tracey. We all heard her and started laughing.

It really didn't sound too bad. I had worried that they'd have some stupid theme and put us in some strange costume. I was also relieved that there was no silly looking hat to wear.

"One last thing, girls, you'll need a pair of simple black high heels, preferably with three-inch heels," added Ms. B. "Also black stockings or pantyhose."

"Do the boys have to wear those too?" asked Cat, causing us all to laugh.

"No, make them wear five-inch heels!" suggested Tracey. The boys looked over at us, totally clueless about what we were laughing about. I was impressed that Tracey had told two jokes in the same day!

I wasn't worried as I'd gotten pretty used to being in heels for work, although I could see that not everyone was happy about the prospect of being in heels all night.

Ms. B got the Fab Five together after the meeting to talk to us in private. She wanted to reassure us that the school was doing everything possible to protect us.

"This isn't right! I don't see how this asshole can just disrupt everyone's lives," complained Ann. "No one here has done anything wrong. Besides, Erika should be the one protesting about Jason's claiming that he's innocent."

That seemed to be the group sentiment. They all agreed that the Rev's threats would have no bearing on their being in the competition and that they'd join any counter-protest. It was cool to see everyone united. Little did I know how united the school was.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Four

Friday evening Laura, Marlene, and I were sitting on a couch in Spencer's, drinking cappuccinos and eating key lime pie. Marlene said that she had a lot to update us about.

"First off, the Rev only saw Jason once and, from what I could figure out, they only talked for five minutes. The guard on duty said that Jason wanted nothing to do with the guy. I also talked to Jason's family and they turned down an offer by the Rev to publicize the case," she explained.

"So, this guy is just an opportunist and not a very good one," asked Laura.

"It looks that way. I also contacted every house of worship in town and they all find his tactics reprehensible, so he won't find any support from them. I have a letter being sent to him tomorrow. It will include a list of signatures from various clergymen, groups, and businesses in the area stating that they oppose his actions," she added.

"So, is this over?" I asked.

"Maybe. He might still try something, maybe to coincide with some big school event, like prom or graduation."

"Maybe there will be a Klan rally somewhere on prom weekend that he'd rather attend!" quipped Laura.

Laura then began to ask Marlene about her organization. I got up and got another cup of cappuccino and checked the board for new messages. I was standing there, reading a review of Denise's group in the campus paper, when I heard a voice addressing me. I turned around and saw a pretty girl with brown curly hair standing there.

"Hi. I don't wish to interrupt, but is that Marlene Hamilton talking to your friend?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yes, it is. Hi, I'm Erika," I said, extending my hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm Lisa. I'm pleased to meet you. I didn't know Marlene was in town. Is she speaking somewhere?" she asked in a very excited tone.

"No. Not exactly. Would you like to meet her?" I asked.

"Oh, yes! We watched a documentary on her group in class," she exclaimed.

We walked over and I introduced Lisa to Marlene. Lisa was in awe of talking to Marlene. I listened to Lisa rattle off one case after another that Marlene had been involved with. I felt even better knowing that Marlene was on my side.

After Lisa left, I apologized to Marlene. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"Don't apologize. I plan on contacting the college for help if the Rev does protest. They have a pretty active GLBT student organization up here. It was also nice to meet a fan."

We talked a while longer before Marlene said that she had to go. She told me she'd stay in touch, and that I shouldn't worry.

Laura and I hung out in the college. We walked around and soaked in the atmosphere. Mostly we just walked around enjoying each other's company. The weather was very nice and it looked like winter had finally departed. We also talked about the dinner and practice Saturday afternoon. I had a meeting with Jenny early in the morning but would have plenty of time to be at practice on time. Laura said that there was going to be a party at Alex's barn after the practice. That sounded great, it would feel like old times. It would be our first party there since the championship party.

Laura decided that it was time for the weekly photograph of my hopefully growing chest, and we drove over to her house. I knew that meant, we'd be making out soon!

"You know that you've been on hormones for almost a month," reminded Laura.

I took off my top and took my pads out of my bra. I then took my bra off. I stood in the position and Laura took my picture with her digital camera.

"I think you may be growing a little." She compared pictures from a few weeks ago to the latest. If there was any change, it was slight. But I did notice that my nipples seemed a bit more tender and sensitive. Laura began to stroke them with her fingertips. There was definitely something happening. She got a kick out my reaction.

"Just think that this will only feel better," she said as we began to kiss. We lay back on her bed and kissed and caressed each other. I loved Friday evenings!

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Five

Saturday morning Jenny and I talked about everything that was going on. I had gone the whole week without a single nightmare or panic attack. Jenny was pleased and said that we could go back to once a week, which was fine with me. She told me that she'd like to eventually go to every other week, but that she wanted to take it slowly. Again, she warned me that there might be future issues to deal with.

Laura and Cat picked me up and we rode together to waitress practice. I think I liked this task because the scholarship contestants were included in the activity and not separate like the fashion show.

When we got there I looked around to see if everyone of the Fab Five was there. There was a large crowd of students assigned to the event, so it was hard to find people. I still had doubts about Lisa. Denise was easiest to spot. Her white spiked hair stood out like a lighthouse's beam in fog. I saw Paul and Caroline together. They saw us and walked over.

"Guess what? We won that scholarship for our cartoon!" announced Caroline triumphantly.

We all congratulated them. I was so happy for them, as they really deserved it. I continued to search for the remaining contestants. I saw Ann talking to Ms. B. That left Lisa as the only one I hadn't seen. I was relieved to see Lisa walk in with Bill Fry, the class VP. They were holding hands. I pointed this out to Laura; she was as surprised as I was. Not that I minded, they made a good looking couple.

Ms. B introduced Rob Granger, who was in charge of the dinner. He explained that we'd be divided into groups and assigned our tasks. He called off our names and had us go with someone from his staff. I'd thought we'd all be waiting on tables, but that wasn't true; some of us would do that, while others would assist in serving drinks, and the guys were all assigned as busboys.

I was assigned to wait on tables, along with Caroline, Laura, and Kristen. Cat and Tracey ended up with Rachael, working with the bartender. Denise and Ann were assigned to the coat checkroom.

We spent the next hour or so being trained in our various tasks. It wasn't that hard, and we were assigned two tables each. There would be eight people at each table. It didn't look too hard; especially considering everyone was having the same meal. We were taught how to properly serve and remove items from the table.

We were also measured and issued our uniforms. They were as Ms. B described them. I thought they were nice, although a little on the formal side. And as Tracey said, they did show off our boobs.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Six

After practice we headed over to Alex's barn. Just being there brought back so many good memories. The weather was great, and it felt wonderful sitting out in the sun. There was a volleyball net set up in the back, and Laura and Cat went over to play. Alex's father had a big barbecue set up and was cooking burgers, hotdogs, and chicken. I joined Kristen and Rachael and got some lunch. We sat down on some lawn chairs and watched the game.

Because she didn't go out for any teams, I had forgotten how athletic Cat was. She was really good, and she led her team to two straight wins. We cheered them on as her team beat a team made up of mostly male jocks.

When I finished my burger Alex dragged me out for the next game. He formed a team that included Mike and Rachael, and we ended up beating Cat's team in a very close game. Mike joked that my good luck status still worked for them. Alex said that I would have to come down to their football games in the future. I laughed and said that I'd donate a new shirt to the team. We held the court for two more games before losing.

It felt so good to just be having fun without any problems or stress, just normal teenage fun. When it got dark we went in the barn and sat around and talked. The good thing about the parties at Alex's house was that there was no alcohol. We had just as much fun and there were fewer fights. I had no real desire to drink. Besides, I really didn't like beer that much. I liked wine and I'd had a glass on some special occasions. I was totally against smoking and drugs. Smoking was a waste, as I enjoyed running too much. And Mom was very anti-drug. She'd never told me why she was that way, but it had something to do with some friends in college. I knew she had some things in her past that she wasn't proud of, but I hoped she'd share them with me someday.

I sat and talked with several of the guys from the team, including Mike and Alex. Laura came over and dragged me away, she laughed and told me later that she didn't like the way they were flirting with 'her girl'. I kidded her for being jealous. It was very nice to be so totally accepted as a girl. I had to admit that I liked the fact that some of the most macho guys on campus were flirting with me.

We drove home a little after ten. I needed to get some sleep, as work was getting really busy. Between the prom and the charity dinner we were swamped. I also had my American Lit paper to finish.

When I got home Sam and Mom were at the kitchen table. They were planning their trip to Philly. They asked about the party and the practice. I showed them my outfit. Mom said it was much nicer than anything she'd worn when she waited tables. Sam said that he had just dropped his tux off at the cleaners. Mom had a nice black evening gown that she was going to wear.

"As expected, we got another letter from the Rev. It should be the last one," announced Sam.

"Anything exciting in it?" I asked. I had no desire to read it.

"No, just the same threats as before and a couple of misspelled words," remarked Sam. "I already faxed Marlene a copy of it."

"Well, I hope that he tires of this soon," added Mom.

"If he doesn't, Marlene's group is prepared to sue him," stated Sam.

We talked about their trip and I assured them that I would be safe. They both deserved to have a good time. I didn't want to be the reason for them to cancel. I told them that I'd be very safe with Cat and Terri.

I went upstairs and changed into my pjs and bunny slippers. The nice thing about accepting my feminine nature was that I could be open with my emotions. I also liked that I could dress for fun and comfort and not feel self-conscious about it. The slippers were goofy, but I really liked them, besides they were a gift from Paul.

I sat down at my computer. I wanted to work a little bit on my American Lit paper. I found that I did some of my best writing later in the evening. This paper was a breeze, as I really liked the two books I had read, unlike many of the students in my class! Ms. B found out that I liked reading Steinbeck and she'd suggested that I read Travels with Charley next. I bought a copy of it, but I hadn't started it yet. I was saving it as a reward for finishing the paper. Sometimes you have to treat yourself.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Seven

The rest of the weekend passed without any incident. Work was really busy, so my five hours flew by. Sam, Mom, and I had a quiet dinner together. No problems, no issues, kinda boring, but nice.

That was pretty much the story for the following week. There were no more threatening letters from the Rev. My classes were great that week. I finished my American Lit paper early and began to read Travels with Charlie. Great book by the way, I highly recommend it! Work was also a breeze. Again we were busy all week, so the time in the store flew by.

Friday after track Laura and I talked Cat into joining us at Spencer's. I think that we all wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. Starting Sunday evening I'd be sleeping over at Cat's house. I'd just take a daily change of clothes. Cat said that the second bed was all set up; she also said that I'd better not snore! I felt a bit like a wimp for not being to sleep alone in the house, but Mom insisted that I stay at Cat's or she wouldn't go. Actually, I was happy that she insisted on this. There were still a lot of issues in my life, and I didn't want to face my fears alone at that time.

"So, when is the paperwork for your name change going to be filed?" asked Cat.

"In a few weeks."

"How do you feel about it?" asked Cat.

"Sort of mixed feelings. I'm happy that my name will be legal, but at the same time it's a bit sad. I never really hated being Eric. I've read a lot of accounts of other transgendered people and they often hate their previous life."

"I can understand your mixed feelings."

"Has your mom picked a new middle name for you?" asked Laura.

"Not to my knowledge. I told her your idea that she should make it a contest and have people post suggestions online. She wasn't impressed!"

We all laughed.

We sat there talking for a while. I then turned to Cat. "You know, you're the only student at Central who knew me as Eric."

"That's right, and even then you didn't stay a guy very long," added Cat.

"That's quite an honor, Cat," Laura stated. She turned to me. "I know that you've shown me pictures of you as a boy, but I still can't believe it. You're too much of a girl to have ever been a boy."

"I sometimes can't believe it myself," I answered softly.

"So, are you going to college in the fall, or are you still going to take some time off?" asked Cat.

"I want to get the surgery as soon as possible, so I can get on with my life. The surgery will put me down for a while, so I don't want to get too involved in school."

"How will you pay for it?" asked Cat.

"That's the big question. If I get the scholarship, then I won't have to worry about my education. Mom said that we could take out a loan or something like that. Medical insurance won't pay for it."

"It should," added Laura. "The surgery is just correcting a mistake."

"Too bad you aren't my lawyer now, we could sue," I laughed.

"Seriously, they should pay for it," concurred Cat.

As we talked, Cat noticed that a woman was watching us. She nudged and whispered to me to look over at her.

The woman was tall and had short blonde hair. I doubted that she was associated with the Rev; she looked too normal and nice. I know that's rather simplistic on my part; villains and bad guys don't have to look evil.

She kept looking over at us. I just assumed that she either recognized me from the trial or she had made me for being TS. Again, I would have just preferred her coming over and talking. I have a hard time ignoring someone who is staring at me. I wondered who she was.

"So, do you think she'll come over here?" asked Laura, "Maybe she wants to steal you away from me!"

We giggled and tried to ignore her. Then Cat nudged me. "Here she comes," she whispered.

"Hi, I'm sorry I was staring, but a friend of mine said that I might find you here and I wanted to make sure it was you. You are Erika Walters, aren't you?" she asked in a pleasant tone.

"Yes, I am. Who are you?" I asked a bit cautiously.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Sandra Plummer. Nancy Bell said that I might run into you girls here. May I join you?"

I looked at Laura and Cat and they shrugged their shoulders, "Sure. These are my friends, Laura and Cat," I introduced.

"Pleased to meet all of you. Laura? Oh, yes, you're the senior class president. You've done a great job this year," she remarked.

"How do you know Ms. B, and why do you want to see me?" I asked.

She smiled. "I guess I should explain. I've known Nancy since I went to Central High. I graduated from Central 6 years ago."

"That's cool, so why are you interested in Erika?" asked Laura.

"I guess you can say that I'm a fan. I only wish I could have done what you are doing right now."

It took a moment for what she said to sink in. "You mean that you were a contestant?" I asked. I was stunned.

"Yes, my year we made it to mid-November. I didn't have the nerve to continue dressing or even to tell anyone that I was TS, except Nancy. I transitioned when I went to college."

"That's wonderful. I'm very happy for you! So how do you know about me?" I asked.

"Nancy has been keeping us informed about the scholarship and the contestants who are transitioning," explained Sandra.

"Us?" I interrupted

"The girls who have transitioned have formed a little alumni group. It's very informal, and we mainly exist to be a support group and to assist the new girls, like you," she continued.

"So why have you waited this long to contact me?" I asked. "I made the decision to transition back in November."

"We were going to wait until after you graduated, remember this is an alumni group," she answered, with a sly smile. "Nancy felt that we could be of assistance now, considering the harassment you are getting."

"Thanks, but it looks like that storm has passed. But I am excited to meet someone who has transitioned. I have lots of questions for you!"

"I hope you're right, but these jerks are like cockroaches; they are hard to get rid of. As for the questions, I'm sure you do and I'll be happy to talk to you, but I think we can do that another time. Here's my phone number and e-mail. Feel free to call me some evening. I need to get going, I'm meeting some old friends for dinner."

"So you don't live around here?" asked Cat.

"No, I live in Harrisburg now. I came up for the weekend to meet you and the others. Call me next week, okay?"

We hugged good-bye. I was very excited. Sandra was the first woman that I'd met who was like me. Well, she was the first that I knew was TS!

"I never would have guessed that she'd been a boy," remarked Laura.

"Neither would I! This is pretty cool." I placed the paper in my purse.

"So, I still wonder who is the third?" interjected Cat. "Sandra said that she was going to 'meet the others', so there is still a mystery to solve."

"Yes! The game is afoot," I added.

We all started to laugh. Seriously, I was curious about who was number three, but I also respected her privacy. While Cat, Laura, and I had fun trying to deduce who it was, we had no intention of outing her.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Eight

We went over to Laura's and went up to her room. Laura wanted to get the latest photo. I told Cat that I didn't mind if she wanted to stay or if she wanted to see the pictures. She was curious and thanked me for being so open.

My nipples were definitely a bit swollen now and were more sensitive. No, they weren't huge and I was still pretty flat chested, but there was something happening. I had been on the hormones for almost five weeks now.

Laura downloaded the photo and we compared it to the first one taken several weeks ago. There was a little bit of noticeable change, or at least I thought so. I put my bra and top back on. I slipped in my breast pads. I'd be happy when they were retired.

"So how big do you think that you'll get?" asked Cat.

"The doctor said that I should reach a C-cup eventually, considering my age and the fact that most women in my family have big breasts. Of course, I have no idea about the other side of my family."

"I know this is a tender subject, but from strictly a medical standpoint have you thought about contacting your birth father? You should know his family's medical history," asked Cat.

"Actually Mom did that after I was born. She had to use a lawyer to get the information, as he was afraid that she wanted money from him," I replied.

"It's amazing," smiled Laura.

"What's amazing?" I asked.

"It's amazing that such a jerk could produce such a great person!"

"True, he fathered me, but Mom raised me. I'd like to give her the main credit."

Laura gave Cat and I a ride home. I thought about meeting Sandra. I really did have a lot of questions for her. The first thing I did when I got home was to fire off an e-mail to her to establish communications. It was great knowing others who had walked ahead of me. I also thought that someday I would be the one passing on info to the next generation.

Chapter One-Hundred-Fifty-Nine

We had to be at the hotel banquet room by 3:00PM. Cat and Laura came over in their uniforms. Mom took a photo of the three of us together. She thought the red bow ties were a nice touch.

We were assigned our tables and from the place cards we got to see whom we'd be serving. Thankfully Mom and Sam were not at my tables. I'd have never lived that one down. I found out that Kristen was assigned to their table. I did have the chief of police and two members of city council at one of my two tables. My second table had Mrs. Lincoln. There was no need to mention anyone else. Fortunately I was used to her so I wasn't too intimidated. Actually that was a lie, I was very nervous about serving her. Alex was assigned as my busboy.

I almost didn't recognize Denise. She'd dyed her hair an actual normal color, a light brown, and I told her that she looked very nice. Denise told me that it was only temporary and that she was bleaching her hair blonde again as soon as she could. She grinned and said that she had an image to uphold.

Before the guests arrived we were formed up for a group photo. I think that most people liked the uniforms, even if they wouldn't admit it. They were pretty classy looking.

The cocktails were being served in another room, so we wouldn't have to start working until that was over. Rob said that we could expect the guests to be coming into the dining room around 7:30. We wouldn't start to serve until 8:00. He walked around and personally inspected each of our tables and us. He made little nit-picky adjustments. He would adjust someone's tie or move a salad fork over an 1/8th of an inch closer to the plate. I think he just wanted to show us all that he was in charge and we were all high school kids.

Around 7:20 people began to enter. Everyone was dressed up, most of the men were in tuxes, and the women were in evening gowns. I recognized many of the dresses. A year ago I didn't know one dress from another, now I could identify a dress by the designer from across a large banquet hall. I wonder what my old friends back in San Diego would say about my new fashion knowledge.

Once everyone was seated I introduced myself to the people at the tables. Mrs. Lincoln gave me a knowing nod and smiled at me. Everyone was very cheerful and friendly. My second table was very similar. They were too busy having a good time to worry about me, which was great. When I was serving the salad the police chief asked me my last name.

"It's presently Walters, sir." I said. "It'll be Warren soon."

"I thought I recognized you, Erika! So have Sam and your mother set a date yet?" he asked.

"No, sir. I think they'll have a date after his trip to Philly," I replied.

"I'm very happy for all of you. By the way, did you enjoy the range?" he asked with a wink.

I smiled back and nodded. "It was great, thank you very much," I answered.

I had to get back to work, but it was nice to be recognized as the DA's future daughter.

The entre was a chicken breast in wine sauce. Personally I thought Cindy's chicken looked better, but everyone seemed to be enjoying it. It's interesting to watch people at a party while you are working it. I walked around the table and found that I was for all practical purposes invisible. I heard lots of interesting gossip as I picked up plates and poured coffee. I had a lot more respect for food servers, and since then I am a lot more careful about what I say when they are around.

After dinner and dessert most people got up and began to mingle. Our biggest job then was filling coffee cups. Sam came over specifically so I could serve him coffee. He smiled as I filled his cup. I asked if wouldn't rather have a cup of tea. He playfully stuck his tongue out at me.

After everyone left we assisted in the clean up. It went pretty quickly as we had so much help. Before we left they gave us each a bag filled with coupons, discounts, and special offers from area business people. The gift bag was a nice little surprise. We were also reminded to bring our uniforms back to school by Wednesday. Before we left we stood around and traded stuff from the bags.

A whole group of us went to a diner afterwards. We crammed into a couple of booths and ordered breakfast. There is something very enjoyable about eating eggs and bacon at midnight. I sat with Cat, Laura, Caroline, and Paul. Caroline told us that one of the guys at her table had made a pass at her. Paul was pretty pissed off about it. It was nice to see him being so protective of Caroline.

"So what time are Sam and your mom leaving tomorrow?" asked Cat.

"They want to be on the road by ten. I'll come over after work."

"Great, this will be a lot of fun! Laura, why don't you sleep over next Friday, that is if you can be trusted?"

"You're no fun. Okay, I promise, no orgies!" said Laura. We all broke out laughing.

We got home a little before one. Mom was waiting for me to get in. She really didn't mind about the time as I had called and told her where I was.

I went to bed and thought about my upcoming week. It would be fun staying over at Cat's house. I also thought about Mom and her first meeting with the future in-laws. I hoped that everything went well. I eventually drifted off into a deep restful sleep.

Continued in part 3 of 3