Trick of the Mind — 37 & 38 by Maeryn Lamonte Melanie Ezell's big closet ultimate writer's challenge — Written From The Heart Thanks to Wren Erendae Phoenix for editing/proofing. The courtroom scene depicted in this chapter is fictional and bear little or no resemblance to real life (as far as I'm aware). “Sit down everyone. Alright, I've had time to review all the information and make my decisions. We are here this afternoon to pass judgement on Mr Raymond Baxter and Judge Derek Priestly in the matter relating to young Mr Richard Baxter. Would the defendants please rise.”

-oOo-

“This hasn't been an easy case to rule on,” the judge began. “Of your guilt in this matter, there is little question. The evidence, and even your own shamefaced admittance, leaves me in no doubt that you did conspire to have Richard admitted into Dr Finster's care. The full degree of his culpability remains to be determined in an independent enquiry, but what remains uncertain is the extent to which you were aware of the doctors intentions.

“From your responses to Richard's testimony, I am inclined to believe that you were ignorant of the danger Richard was in, which mitigates your guilt to some extent. However, you did knowingly conspire to pervert the course of justice, and you seemed content enough to solve your own personal problems by having Richard wrongfully incarcerated. For that I believe a sentence of one year in jail, and a further three years suspended should suffice to persuade each of you that you acted in the wrong.

“Mr Baxter, I imagine this will have a profound negative effect on your reputation and consequently your business, but frankly I find the irony that you should be so punished by your own intentions to safeguard you livelihood to be quite agreeable, and feel that justice is served in this manner. Mr Priestly, you will be dismissed of course, though I suspect that by the time you have completed your jail term, this will count as little more than an early retirement in any case.

“You have one hour to arrange your affairs through your attorneys, then you will be taken to a low security prison to commence your prison sentence.”

He banged his gavel and made to stand.

“Your honour?” I stood to my feet to interrupt him before he vanished.

“Yes Richard. Please be brief, I have other matters to attend to.”

“Yes sir, I was wondering if my sister and I might be allowed to speak with my dad.”

He glanced briefly between Alice, myself and my dad. “I don't see why not. Speak with the bailiff on the front desk, I'll see that it's arranged.”

With that the courtroom emptied. The judge first, through his private door, then my dad and former judge Priestly, accompanied by their legal representation and two bailiffs. Mr T led Alice and me out the main entrance back to the reception, where I asked after my father.

It took thirty minutes to arrange, but before long Alice and I were led downstairs to some cells very much like the one I had so briefly inhabited four weeks ago. They were larger, so when the door was opened and Dad's attorney had stepped out, there was room enough for both Alice and myself to join our father without feeling too cramped.

Alice ran straight to Dad and threw her arms around him. He returned her hug hesitantly, his face drawn and haggard. He looked up at me through hooded eyes, but couldn't hold my gaze for more than a few seconds.

“Did you have to come?” The question was addressed to me.

“Do you still despise me so much?” The bitterness in my voice surprised even me.

“No, it's not that, Richard. This is hard enough as it is. I can't look at you now without feeling... shame.”

“Oh you made it clear a month ago, Dad. I know I make you ashamed.”

“Richard, it's not you I'm ashamed of. It's me.” He sat on the bunk, Alice settling beside him, holding his hand. “You have every right to be angry with me, son. I had no idea what Max had in mind for you, which I know doesn't excuse me. I... I can't believe I almost did that to you.”

He buried his face in his hands and wept loud, gasping sobs. Alice put an arm around his shoulders, but it made little difference.

“So what happens now?” There were so many other questions I could have asked, but somehow I didn't want to ask them of this crumbling ruin of a man. The strong, bold, confident man who had been my father was gone, and I didn't recognise the person sobbing on the bed.

It turned out to be the right question — or perhaps a right question — because it gave him something to focus on. He took a breath and straightened up. There were still ghosts drifting behind his eyes, but something of my dad returned.

“I have some shares that I've asked my lawyers to liquidate. They should cover the mortgage repayments and provide Alice with enough of an allowance to live on for a year. I've also asked that my partners be approached with a view to buying me out quietly before this hits the news. I doubt they'll offer me a particularly good price, but there is no way I can continue in my line of business now, especially with a criminal record.

“I doubt I shall be able to subsidise you much over the next two years, Richard, but I will do what I can.”

“It's alright Dad, I'll get by.”

“I imagine you will.” There was a new tone in his voice, one that I hardly recognised. “I never realised how fine a young man you turned out to be, Richard. Your mother and I haven't shown you a lot of kindness these past few years, yet here you are, someone I should really be proud of.”

“What about the dressing up, Dad?”

His shoulders sagged and he hung his head. When he spoke, his words were almost too mumbled to be intelligible.

“None of that really matters anymore does it? Your mother's had the nervous collapse I was hoping to prevent, and you can hardly do more to damage my reputation than I've managed myself. I don't understand it, Richard, and I don't condone it, but it's probably wrong of me to condemn it since I don't understand it.”

There was a small book on the table beside the bed. Dad picked it up and waved it vaguely at me.

“You know, I always looked to this for guidance on how to live? I thought I was following it when I was trying to deal with your... er... your problem. I thought it was showing me how I could save you, instead I nearly lost you over it.”

“I don't think it's meant to be an instruction manual Daddy,” Alice said quietly. “It's more like a guide book. You know, not a list of things you should or shouldn't do, but directions to the guy who can show you and help you to change.”

Dad laughed and ugly, wheezing laugh. “Is that what they taught you on those camps we sent you to? I've a good mind to ask for my money back.”

“Perhaps you should listen to what they have to say before you judge them Daddy.” Alice's gentle voice carried just a hint of reproach. “I'd have thought you'd've learned that from recent events, if nothing else.”

Dad visibly winced, then nodded and patted her hand. “You're right sweetheart, I should do a lot more listening than I have been doing.”

A key turned in the lock and the door swung open to reveal two guards.

“I suppose it'll have to wait 'til next time,” Dad said, as he climbed wearily to his feet. He gave Alice a hug and a kiss, then turned to me. “I've no right to expect you to listen to me, Richard, and I doubt you have any reason to respect or trust what I have to say, but this dressing up thing still worries me. Be careful.”

He stepped out of the cell into the guiding arms of his guards, and he was gone.

A minute later, the bailiff who'd led us down here came to collect us and took us back to the foyer and a patiently waiting Mr Talbot.

Jen and her mum must have been waiting nearby, because they drove up to the courthouse steps within seconds of Mr T's phone call. Mr T overruled Alice's and my protests and insisted on buying us all some Chinese. Other than that and the occasional direction, we completed the journey home in silence.

The meal passed in silence as well. We may have won, but the victory rung hollow, like a funeral bell. It seemed poor thanks after everything the Talbot's had done for us, but neither Alice nor I felt much like talking or eating. Eventually we were done, washing up completed, leftovers in the freezer, rubbish in the bin, teas and coffees dutifully distributed.

Mr and Mrs T stood, breaking through our brooding.

“I've been away from the office for long enough,” Mr T announced. “Sharon and I will be heading home first thing tomorrow...”

“I'm staying,” Jen announced, interrupting her father rather abruptly.

“We thought you might feel that way, which is why your Mum put your things in the car this morning. Of course the decision lies with Richard and Alice as this is their home.”

No question, no consultation needed. Both Alice and I spoke up for the first time since the disagreement over who was to pay for dinner.

“That's settled then. I don't suppose we need to make any long term plans at this stage, but call us soon so we can discuss how the rest of your summer break is going to go.”

Jen exchanged hugs and kisses with her parents. And I followed Mr T out to the car to collect Jen's stuff, while she said a proper goodbye to her mum.

“I don't know how I'm going to be able to repay you for what you've done, sir.”

“No repayment necessary, Richard. Call it an investment — no, a speculation — in my daughter's future.” He gave me that look that fathers reserve for their daughter's boyfriends as he passed me Jen's bags. “Look after her and... be safe. Do that and I'll consider any debts paid in full.”

Hang on. Did he just...? No surely not.

“I'll look after her sir.”

“I know you will Richard. And when you and Jen are ready, you'll both be very welcome to visit again.” He held out his hand and we shook — a contract of sorts.

-oOo-

There was a weirdness about the place after Mr and Mrs Talbot left. Depending on how you looked at it, there was either Jen and me as boyfriend and girlfriend with Alice playing third wheel, or Alice and me as brother and sister and Jen as spare part, or Jen and Alice as girlfriends together with me as the awkward extra.

I think the girls twigged first. Not surprising since, to my eyes, I still had on Mum's floaty, red dress on. After the mangled mess of the past few days though, we were all wary of setting each other off. The house seemed oddly empty and wrong without either of my parents there, and Alice and I especially were feeling their absence and some degree of responsibility for what had happened to them. Rachael had submerged completely in me with all the unpleasantness of the court case and seeing Mum so messed up in the head, and there was even a numbness to my thinking that distanced me from the effects of the hypnotism. Eventually, though, the sidelong glances from the girls, and the way they whispered together whenever they through I wasn't watching, broke through my dense incomprehension.

“Would you prefer Rachael to join the party?” I asked.

“Would you mind?” Alice replied. “It would seem a little more natural if we were three girls.”

Natural? She had some odd definitions, my sister. I sighed and climbed to my feet. I had thought to leave Rachael where she was, while she was dormant, but I suppose when it came down to it, there was little difference from my perspective between thinking I was wearing a dress and actually doing so. If it helped Jen and Alice to cope better, who was I to say no?

I took my girl clothes up to my room and started putting them away as I dismissed them. The black dress from my first outing with the girls was too posh, the coral dress had seen a bit too much of the outside world recently — at least discounting the past month when I'd either been in Frankenfinster's lair or recovering in the hospital. I still had quite a few things from the charity shop raid, and all the things Mrs T had bought me out of Jen's allowance. I looked for a moment at the dress Dave had caught me wearing. I hadn’t worn it since that day, and I didn't feel too much like dragging that particular memory up from the basement. For a change, I started going through my selection of tops and skirts.

I kicked off the heels and red dress — ok trainers, jeans and tee shirt — and slipped on a bra. The falsies went into the cups without glue, and I started holding up combinations of top and bottom to see which went best together and with the tights I was already wearing. In the end I settled on a dark pink rollneck sweater and dark floral skirt.

I spent a while brushing and pinning my hair into something a little less haphazard, and added a minimum of eye shadow and lipstick to finish the look.

It seemed odd to see Rachael in the mirror — as though she had withdrawn to give me some space, and been surprised that I wanted her around after all. What was weirder was thinking of Richard and Rachael as different people, when I knew they were actually different aspects of me. I guess there weren't that many occasions when they two could manifest together, so because they only came out at separate times, there was a developing sense of difference between the two.

I made my way back downstairs to be greeted with smiles and hugs. What was left of the evening passed in a more relaxed manner, with me being more easily drawn into the conversation with the other two. I could feel the Richard in me sitting at the back of my mind, watching and enjoying the show as Rachael came to the fore. We both felt the relief of having our outfit stay the same after dressing. The stress had been there, hiding behind the numbness of the day after all.

After a while we snuggled up on the sofa — me in the middle — with mugs of hot chocolate and marshmallows, trying to watch some schmaltzy film on the box. We were all exhausted from the day, but evidently I was more so than the others. I woke to the sound of giggling and the gentle movement of two bodies leaning against me and shaking with laughter.

“What? What did I miss?”

“I'm sorry to have to tell you this Rachael,” Jen's expression showed no regret whatsoever, “but you snore just like Richard.”

They were gone again, giggling into the combined hug they were giving me.

“Come on,” Jen said climbing to her feet. “The film's rubbish anyway, and we would all benefit from a good night's sleep.”

Doors locked, lights out and upstairs. I grabbed some bed linen and headed for the spare room to make up a bed for Jen. She tagged along to help, while Alice went first in the bathroom.

“Can I ask you a question, Jen?”

She paused from tucking the sheet in on her side, then decided against the obvious come back.

“Sure, what's on your mind?”

“Who do you want me to be? I mean in the future, assuming — hoping — that we have one.”

“I want you to be you.” Cop out, much? Actually, no let's be fair. That wasn't all she said. “I want you to be the wonderful, weird, mixed up person you are. I want you to be Richard and Rachael, because the person I've fallen in love with is both.”

“Yeah but, how do you want me to be physically? I mean the older I get, the more I'll look like a guy. There'll come a time when the best I'll look in a dress is Bride of Frankenstein.”

“So what's the alternative?”

“I don't know, I never thought about it before now. It's just that you seem to like having Rachael around more these days than Richard.”

“The choice has to be yours Rach. I'm in this for the long haul, if you'll have me. When I thought I'd lost you back in the hospital, it was only then that I realised how much you mean to me. I'll take you any way you come.”

The bed was made. She wandered round to where I was standing and started rubbing the soft wool of my sweater. I couldn't feel much through the false breasts, which is why it probably wasn't quite as erotic as she intended it to be.

“So if I started taking hormones, chemically castrated myself and eventually had my meat and two veg surgically removed, you'd be ok with that?”

She stopped caressing me, an abruptly uncertain expression on her face. “Is that what you want?”

“Well, no. But it does make the point that this isn't entirely my decision.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we're in a relationship. Anything that affects both of us ought to be discussed, even my body and what I do with it.”

“You mean... You mean if I did want you to change all the way, you'd do it?”

“Well not exactly, but I'd want to know what you wanted before I made any decisions. What you think matters to me and would definitely affect my decision. There was this quote I read on the Internet somewhere which I really liked. It said, 'Love doesn't consist of two people looking at each other, but looking together in the same direction. We each need to know where the other is looking so we can decide if we can adjust enough to find a common direction.”

“And if we can't?”

“We face that if we come to it.” There was a cold stillness about us. I could see from Jen's expression that she could feel it too.

“Well it's your body. Why don't you say what you want and I'll tell you what I think.”

“Promise to be truthful?”

“Sure.” She lifted her eyes to mine. A threat of tears glistened, but there was an honest commitment in her gaze.

“I'm inclined to let nature take its course and make the best of whatever we get out of it.”

Her smile returned. “That sounds like a plan I could get behind.”

“What about the rest?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean Richard or Rachael. Whether I'm one or the other, how often and how publicly is going to affect how other people look at us. You've already seen from what happened to me that there is bigotry in this world that will make life difficult, and if it's this bad inside a family where there should be ties of affection, how much worse is it going to be in a world full of strangers.”

“So what do you think?”

“I haven't worked it through yet. I wanted to know your thoughts before suggesting anything.”

“Well, unless or until we get this hypnotism thing sorted out, Rachael needs to stay around at least for your sake. As for after, I'd like her to stay around. I mean it's so much easier to say and do some things with you in a dress, and I like the way you are when Rachael comes to the surface. Which doesn't mean I don't like Richard as well, I mean I do, but for different reasons.

“I'm making a mess of this. I guess if you'd asked me six months ago, would I go out with a guy who dresses up as a girl, the answer would have been 'eeuw!', but that would have been a knee jerk reaction, something you say because you think everyone else would say the same. Having had a chance to get to know you, I've come to the conclusion that you're the best thing that happened to me. I like both of you, and I wouldn't sacrifice either one for the other. I wouldn't want to hide it either. Going shopping with Rachael is sooo much fun, and I'd hate the whole thing of having you rush to hide or get changed every time the doorbell went.

“I get that it'll be difficult, that we'll face prejudice, but I'll face it with you whatever happens.”

“So how much Rachael are we talking about here?”

“That's up to you, as long as she doesn't go away completely. She completes you, you know? If you were to throw her away, I would guess you'd go back to being that shrivelled, nervous little mouse — no rabbit — that you were when Dave first introduced you to me. I suspect something similar would happen if you threw Richard out and became Rachael full time too. So all or nothing Richard/Rachael, I'm in love with both of you, and that's that.”

The coldness had receded, leaving warmth and acceptance. We kissed, slow and soft, tasting each other's lipstick.

“I love you, Jennifer Talbot,” I whispered into her ear, only to be rewarded with a suppressed giggle.

“See?” she said. “Richard would have taken forever to get around to saying that. It was much easier for Rachael wasn't it?”

The sound of a door closing and my sister's feet thumping down the corridor in a less than elegant manner indicated the bathroom was free.

“You go next,” I said, “I still have a few things to unpack.”

“Thanks. Richard?”

“Mmm?”

“Do I have to sleep here?”

No she didn't. After the university beds, ordinary singles were generous. We'd found a way that worked at Jen's parent's house with one of us glued to the other's back, and that worked for us now. I'd intended to sleep in the nude as I did at university, but with Jen in the bed, Rachael stayed around too. Again it was a comfort thing more than sexual, both of us feeling more relaxed in physical contact with the other.

-oOo-

My sister was up and dressed when we surfaced the next morning. I was wearing my tatty blue dressing gown over pink satin, and whilst my mind had transformed it into an elegant silk kimono for me, the others still saw my worn, tatty garment.

“Rachael, would you mind wearing one of my dressing gowns instead of that tatty thing?” Alice asked. “It kind of spoils the whole look.”

I obediently dashed upstairs. She's quite a bit smaller than me, my sister, so I made do with her pink plush one, with the bunnies and flowers on the pocket. It was short in the sleeve and tight across the back, but it was oversize on Alice and stretched enough not to look ridiculous on me.

Back downstairs I found a glass of OJ and a bowl of Special Kardboard waiting for me, with a few strawberries scattered over it to make it less unappetising.

“So, what plans?” I asked, inhaling a spoonful of healthy nutrition.

“Well I was planning on going to see Mum again this morning. Jen I think has shopping plans with Rachael, if you're up to it.”

I looked at Jen and she just pointed at the dressing gown I was wearing. “Something we forgot on our shopping spree with my mum. Alice is right, you can't wear that blue thing, at least not if you're being Rachael, and that is obviously too small. We also need to get some food in. Apparently supplies have dwindled a little since your dad was arrested and your mum collapsed.”

I looked to Alice, who shrugged. “There's a supermarket a couple of miles away on the bus. They do clothes as well. Not the best quality, but sufficient to your needs. You should manage the shopping we need between you on the bus.”

“Have you looked into that friends thing yet?”

“No. I've got the paperwork over there though.”

I went and picked it up, read through the agreement. It was a pretty good deal, just asking for money up front to cover petrol for the runs you were going to take, changeable at any stage with refund where necessary. I filled in the details, asking where necessary, and had the forms and a cheque ready for Alice to take by the time the taxi arrived.

Jen and I washed and dressed. I was allowed first dibs on the bathroom, since I had to fit my boobs, and it still took me longer than her to make myself look convincing. By half eleven, we were ready to go, and stepped out the front door.

A curious head popped up over the fence. Mrs Taylor, neighbourhood gossip. I wasn't ready to come clean with the whole Richard has a girly side thing just yet, especially considering the added strain it would put on Mum if — no, let's face it, when — it got back to her. I put on my best cheerful face and bounced over to greet her.

“Hi, you must be one of Mr and Mrs Baxter's neighbours. I'm Rachael and this is Jen; we're friends of Alice. She asked us to come and stay for a while until things get sorted with her family.”

Nosy suspicion gave way to bewilderment, only to be replaced soon after with an excellent professional smile.

“Oh, hello,” she reached a hand over the fence and we both took it briefly, “I'm Betty. Yes I've lived here next door to Alice's parents for fifteen years. Such a shame what happened to them. Do you know what will happen now?”

Yeah, fifteen years of casual spying without ever doing more than passing a few minutes gossip over the fence with my mum every few days. It always struck me as sad that we could live in such close proximity to someone and not know the first thing about them. Mind you Mum and Dad were no better. I think we sent them a Christmas card, but that was the extent of our involvement with the neighbours.

Of course it was convenient now. Fifteen years, and she still couldn't see Richard under the face paint and the flowers.

“Yes it is a shame.” I kept the personality bubbling, but underneath I knew she was just fishing for gossip. “We're not sure how things are going to work exactly, but as I understand it, Alice will be staying here on her own while her parents deal with their different issues.”

It was worth sowing the seed. I doubted Mrs Taylor would think to offer any help to the young girl living on her own next door, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now, and the chance to prove me wrong.

“What about that brother of hers? Er, what was his name..?”

“Richard?”

“Yes Richard, that's right. I'd have thought he would come home to help.”

“He's been in contact, but things are difficult between him and his parents at the moment,” I didn't mind her having that titbit. It might even give me the opening I needed to introduce Rachael into the family later. “Alice is fine with us helping for the moment. We were just off to the shops so we need to dash if we're going to get the bus. Is there anything you need?”

“From the shops? No I don't think so, thank-you.”

And with a wave we were away to the bus stop.

-oOo-