Trick of the Mind - 19 & 20 by Maeryn Lamonte Melanie Ezell's big closet ultimate writer's challenge — Written From The Heart Thanks to Wren Erendae Phoenix for editing/proofing. Dave was quiet for long while. When he finally did speak my nerves were frayed. “OK,” he said. “For the record I am seriously not OK with this, but I won’t tell anyone. You’ve been a good mate this year and I guess I owe you for that, plus you’ve been honest with me and that can’t have been easy. You won’t mind if I don’t hang around with you anymore though, I don’t want to be anywhere near you when someone else tumbles to your little secret.” With that he dumped his mug unwashed in the kitchen and headed off to his room. I sat dejected for a while longer then as a last act of friendship washed up Dave’s mug before heading to my room. That night I slept in the nude not wanting anything to do with girl clothes and mourned the loss of my friend.

-oOo-

Summer break was less than a week away, Jen and I had finished our end of year exams but neither of us wanted to head off 'til the term had finished completely. There were parties to go to and, much as Jen’s friends kept pestering me, it was Richard who went rather than Rachael.

The last evening Jen and her friends decided to put on a role reversal party, saying on the invite that you could only come if you were dressed as a member of the opposite sex. A lot more guys than I would have expected visited the local charity shops and found something cheap and frilly to wear. I knew the girls were doing this to try and persuade Rachael to come, but in the end they still got Richard in a dress which wasn’t the same. The thing is I couldn’t risk looking too good and, even though some of the other guys had let their girlfriends do a real number on them, I was still one of the most convincing crossovers of the evening in a tangerine chiffon dress with a halter top and v-neckline. I left the false boobs at home and made do with balled up socks. Dave shook his head and gave me a disapproving look as I headed out, but what the hey, this was my one opportunity to walk out of my room dressed as a girl and there were a quite a few of us cross dressing guys heading down together so I wasn’t in any way exposed.

After the party was done, I sat around with the girls, incongruously the only person in a dress, and we chatted into the night. We were reminiscing about some of the good times with Rachael and enjoying the bitter-sweet feeling of being with friends one last time before we headed our separate ways.

There was something that was being left unsaid and it became more obvious as the night wore on. Eventually Riana, ever the most outgoing of the group, spoke up.

“Richard, we were wondering what your plans were for accommodation next year.”

I had been planning to share a house with Dave and some of his mates, but a few days after my coming clean with him, he’d come up to me saying they’d found someone else they wanted to take my place. The new guy had paid my deposit and Dave handed the cheque to me. Since then I’d been asking at the university if there was any chance of a place in halls at least for the first term, and had spent a lot of time hanging around the notice board looking for last minute places.

“I still don’t have it sorted,” I said. “Why do you ask?”

“Well the seven of us are renting a couple of four bedroom houses next door to each other on the same street. The Landlord said that if we couldn’t find an eighth he would put an ad in the paper and get a non-university person in. Obviously that’s not our favourite solution, but everyone else seems to have made arrangements. We were wondering if you’d like to be our eighth…”

“Won’t the landlord have something to say about three girls and a boy sharing a house?”

“Not if Rachael pays the deposit.” Riana’s voice trailed off and the girls all gave me this sheepish yet comically hopeful look.

“When do you need an answer?” I asked, hedging.

“The landlord will be around tomorrow morning, otherwise he’ll arrange for another girl to share with us by the time we get back.”

It would get me out of a hole for next year, and I liked the idea of being close to Jen. My parents would be picking me up with all my stuff the following afternoon, so I figured I had time to do as they asked. I agreed and was rewarded with hugs and kisses from all of them. Jen’s the last and the longest.

I was mostly packed up already, but I headed home to dig out some of the things I would need form the bottom of one or two boxes. The next morning I knocked quietly on Jen’s room at about seven o’clock. Most of the girls were still in bed, which was the idea as it seemed sensible to avoid too much of an audience to my transformation. An hour later I walked out of the hall as Rachael wearing my coral dress. Jen and Riana came with me and after stopping at an ATM to withdraw the required amount of cash, we headed off to the posher side of town to visit the girls' — and hopefully soon to be mine too — landlord. He didn’t bat an eyelid as Riana introduced me and she and Jen acted as my references. When I pulled the cash out of my purse, he did make some mention about how dangerous it was for a young girl to be wandering about with that much money on her. I made some excuse about having packed my chequebook and signed with what I hoped was as slightly more feminine flourish on the contract.

With everything signed and sealed we headed back to Jen’s hall where Riana and the rest of the girls managed a carefully orchestrated piece of misdirection to distract the other girls in the hall while I slipped upstairs and out of my disguise. I spent the rest of the morning helping Jen finish her packing and cleaning up the hall. I left wearing an imaginary version of the coral dress, now packed back in my bag with the rest of my girl stuff.

Jen and I had arranged to meet for a late lunch with our parents and see if we could wangle a visit one way or the other over the summer break. As it was, only my Dad had made the journey to collect me and my stuff, and without Mum there it was a lot easier to arrange. Jen’s Olds were very welcoming and agreed to let me come over for a visit later, exact time to be arranged over the phone. Dad said he’d see what he could do about letting Jen come to us, but would have to check with my mother first.

Dad and I had already shifted all my stuff into the car before lunch, so afterwards I offered to help transfer Jen’s mountain of belongings into her parent’s large car and trailer. The job was done in all too short a time leaving Jen and me with a tearful goodbye.

There was one thing I'd wanted to buy for Jen ever since I'd seen the Jet Li film, “The One”. The previous few weeks running up to the end of term, I’d spent a lot of my free time scouring jewellery shops and oriental shops and antique shops searching for it. Eventually I found something similar in a small ethnic arts shop down a back alley.

The film wasn't the most romantic thing to make it to the cinema, but there was this one bit where Jet Li and Carla Gugino both had a part of a piece of jewellery; a sort of twin necklace that linked together. I had done some research and found that it was called a Mandala necklace, although they weren't necessarily made in two parts like the one in the film. What I found in the shop was a selection of similar twin necklaces of varying designs.

I wasn't sure what Jen would make of a Buddhist or Hindu icon as a piece of jewellery, so I hunted through the display until I found a sort of twin cross. Same idea with two chains and two interlocking pendants, but this time one pendant formed a normal silver cross and the other a hollow outline, also in silver. It appealed to my own church background, faded and jaded as it was, and it was one of the cheaper items on display, which appealed to my depleted resources.

I pulled the jewellery box out of my pocket and opened it.

Jen gasped. “It’s beautiful Richard.”

She lifted the pendant out of the box and laid it on her hand to examine it. I showed her how to unclip the two parts and she took outer one and hung it round my neck.

“You are my world,” she said with a catch in her voice.

I took the remaining pendant and hung it round hers. “You are my heart and you complete me.”

It seemed the right thing to say at the time, but in retrospect I think we could both have come up with something a little less cheesy.

“So what are you wearing for the trip home?”

It had been a long time since she had joked about what I was going through, but I was beginning to get over the incident with Dave, and today felt good, somehow full of promise. It obviously showed and I favoured her with a smile, subdued though it was.

“Oh a little yellow summer dress I saw in one of your catalogues the other day. Certainly more comfortable than jeans.”

“You know I almost envy you. You see something you like and the next thing you’re wearing it. You don’t have to buy it or wait for it to be delivered, it just happens.”

“Ah but I don’t get to show off how good I look in it the way you do.”

I kissed her and we headed back to the car park with arms wound around each other.

Jen’s Dad saw us. “Come on Jen, We’d all like to get home for tea.”

Reluctantly we disentangled from each other, gave each other one last kiss, then one more, then one more until the combined protest of both our parent’s persuaded us to part.

Jen made “call me” signs as she slipped into the back of her dad's car and squeezed in amongst her stuff. I blew her a kiss and slipped into the front seat next to my father.

-oOo-

We drove in silence for the first half hour. I knew Dad didn’t like to have his concentration disturbed when he was driving on unfamiliar roads. Eventually we were on a dual carriageway on the first long leg home.

“She seems quite nice.”

Not the most scintillating opening remark, and seriously low on enthusiasm. Then again I can’t remember Dad ever getting excited about anything — other than his son wearing his niece’s bridesmaid's dress that is.

“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me Dad. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with her.”

“Don’t let her take over your life boy. You still have two years of study to get your degree, then you’ll have time for less important things.”

I glowered at him for a while. “I can’t imagine anything more important than being with someone who makes me feel the way she does Dad.”

“You can’t eat your dreams Richard. I mean don’t get me wrong, life is all about finding a balance. You can’t spend all your time working and studying, but neither can you spend it all in la-la land with the love of your life.”

He nodded at the pendant. “She give you that?”

“Actually I gave it to her. It’s a sort of double pendant. It has two chains and separates into two parts. I gave them both to her, she gave this one back to me.”

“You’re mother won’t be too pleased about you wearing jewellery. You know what she thinks of you.”

“Yeah, but this is different. If she has a problem with it, it’s going to have to be her problem.”

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of my pocket. The text read “I sed call me”. I typed back, “Talking to my Dad, will call l8r”.

“In my day we used to write each other letters and wait days for them to be delivered.”

“I know, but then the horse and cart wasn’t a very fast way for the mail to travel was it?”

He laughed. “If you’re going to be cheeky with me I might just let you walk the rest of the way.”

“You wouldn’t do that. It’s way too dangerous to hitch-hike these days and you’d never forgive yourself if I got myself picked up by a psycho.”

“You’re right. The world changes, some things for the better and some things for the worse.”

It was good talking to Dad and we spent most of the journey talking about one thing or another. Eventually the topic that had been nagging in the back of my mind came to the surface.

“Dad, what can I do to make things up to Mum?”

“What do you mean son?”

“You know, she’s been fixated on what happened at cousin Susan’s wedding for all these years, I don’t think she looks at me or even thinks about me without thinking of what I did. I hate that she can’t get past it; it’s taking all the joy out of her life.”

He looked at me then pondered for a while.

“That’s remarkably adult response, son, and quite a change from the usual. All these years and you’ve been behaving like you’re the victim. What changed your mind?”

“Oh something one of Jen’s professors said a while back.”

“What does she study?”

“Psychology.”

“Ah free psychoanalysis; I begin to see why you’re attracted to her.”

“No that would be psychiatry Dad. A psychologist is someone who studies how the brain works rather than trying to fix someone whose brain is broken.”

“I stand corrected.”

He thought for a while longer.

“I’m not sure you can do much for her. You could try talking to her frankly and showing that you’re sorry, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it didn’t work. She’s not upset with you so much as finding it impossible to deal with the idea of how you were dressed that day. I’m the same myself, only I don’t dwell on it the way your mother does. Has your psycho girlfriend given you any clues as to why you did it?”

“Hey less of the psycho, Dad, and as it happens yes she has.”

He looked at me in surprise.

“You mean you’ve actually talked to her about it?”

“We have no secrets Dad.”

“So what if you break up? How long before she starts spreading stories of your little fetish across campus? You really don’t think Richard.”

I was dumbstruck by his sudden flash of temper.

“Dad it’s my life…”

“And it’s your mother and me who’ll suffer if it gets around that our son wants to be our daughter. Richard, there are some things that need to be kept in the family.”

“And exactly how much good has that done anyone? Mum’s a basket case, I’m a pariah every time I come home and you and Alice are stuck in the middle of it. You want to keep it in the family then let’s stop ignoring the problem. Let’s deal with it.”

“Richard you are treading on very thin ice.”

“Yeah like I do every time I’m anywhere near you and Mum. Well I’m sick of it. Let the ice break, at least things’ll change and I won’t have to pussyfoot around Mum all the time, hoping that someday she’ll see her son again when she looks at me.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over the car and both Dad and I sat and fumed for a long while.
Eventually Dad broke the silence.

“Richard, are you still dressing as a woman?”

“What if I am?”

“Should I take that as a yes?”

“Take it however you want. You’re ready to judge me no matter what, without even trying to understand. I mean did you or Mum ever even ask why after Susan’s wedding? No you just tried to pretend that it didn’t happen and at the same time you started treating me like I was something you’d only scrape off your shoe if you could find a long enough stick. I am not prepared to discuss something like this with a hypocrite.”

Dad’s voice was quiet, controlled. “And yet you raised the subject.”

“Probably because I thought you might be ready to listen.”

“OK, I’m listening now.”

I looked at my Dad. How much of this was he really prepared to listen to?

“Yes I am.”

“Sorry.”

“I am still dressing as a woman. I was before Susan’s wedding and I have been since. It’s not something I can help, it’s just a part of me that can’t express itself any other way.”

“Do we need to get you to a doctor?”

“Doctors can’t help. There are still a few Neanderthals around who think that it’s something to be cured with things like electroshock therapy, but they’re the sort of people who’d try the same thing on homosexuals. It’s a part of me and I have to live with it.”

“Who told you this? This girlfriend of yours?”

“No it was one of her professors. Jen didn’t even know there was such a thing as gender dysphoria until Prof Peters mentioned it.”

“Gender dyswhatsia? Sounds like another made up medical term to label problems that people don’t want to deal with.”

“Try living in my shoes for a few weeks and tell me if I’m making this up.”

He looked at me and silence settled over the car again. This was turning into a mistake and Dad really was not ready to deal with the news of what Mr Mysterio had done to me.

“Who else knows about this?”

“Why? Trying to figure out how many people you’d have to kill to cover it up?”

“Richard, be civil. I’m thinking about your mother right now. What are the chances that she’ll hear about this?”

“Pretty much zero. There’s only a handful of people who know and they’ve all agreed to keep it quiet. Besides the only person Mum knows who's in on it is Alice.”

“What?” Dad was so shocked the car wobbled. “How did she get mixed up in this?”

“Well unless you’ve forgotten she was there when I disgraced the family at Susan’s wedding. She’s also the only person in the room that day who’s treated me like a human being since.

“While you and Mum had your head’s stuck up your backsides trying to pretend nothing was wrong, she was talking to me, helping me to deal with the way my life seemed to be falling apart. I trust her completely and would tell her things I’d never tell you or Mum.”

Dad was having a real hard time trying to deal with all this so we pulled into an eatery on the side of the road. We had a cup of coffee while Dad tied his frayed nerves back together and tried to think his way into the future. The caffeine helped sooth my mood and after a while I left Dad to his musings and stepped outside to call Jen.

“Hiya,” came the cheerful response. “How’s the heart to heart with Daddy going?”

“Train wreck,” I replied and went on to tell her about my most recent disastrous attempt in parent-offspring communications.

“Let him work it through. Accept whatever he says and don’t tell him any more. It sounds like you’ve taken things as far as they can go for now, probably a bit further in fact.”

“Iss zat your konsidered hopinion, Frau Doktor?” My best pseudo-German accent. Not very convincing I know.

“I do know what I’m talking about with this Richard. I know you’re trying to rebuild things with your family, but the foundations are dodgy and I'm afraid you may have undermined them a bit more.”

“Thanks for the pep talk beloved. Look I’d better go and see if he’s come out of his trance yet. I’ll call you later.”

I hung up and went back to Dad who was just downing the last of his coffee. There was a determined set to his jaw as he came towards me and directed me towards the car.

“OK son. This is what’s going to happen. You are not going to say anything about this to your mother when we get home. Much as you hate it, you are going to have to live with it for now. I’m going to talk to a few people I know and I’ll try and arrange a meeting so that you and I can talk this through with a professional. In the meantime you are going to get rid of all of the female clothing you have on you and you will not attempt to dress up in any way as a woman while you are at home. Are we clear on this?”

I was ready to argue about the clothes, I mean a lot of them were gifts from people I cared about and had an odd sentimental value. I remembered what Jen had told me though and just agreed. Dad could make this worse if he wanted and I wasn’t ready to be slung out of the house just yet.

The trip went on in silence and after a while I pulled out my phone and started tapping away at the keys.

“Who are you talking to?” Dad asked.

“Just some friends,” I lied.

The text was to my sister. “Emergency — need help.”

The phone buzzed a few seconds later while I was typing the next part. I saved it in drafts and read the new arrival.

It was from Alice. “Wassup?”

I went back to drafts, finished the longer text I was ploughing through and sent it.

“Talked to dad about stuff — not happy. Says I have to chuck the girl clothes and prob wont let me unpack unless he's there. Need you to rescue my stuff before he gets to it.”

“I’m on it, where?”

I texted back describing the locations of everything I wanted to keep, and told her to leave the old things she’d helped me acquire before I started at university. I would be sorry to lose them but Dad would expect to find something. I then cleared the text memory and put the phone away.

It was getting late when we arrived and the yellow summer dress that had been so cool for most of the journey was beginning to feel decidedly chilly as the sun went down. I huddled up in my seat and turned away from Dad who was definitely in an uncommunicative mood. I wanted to pull the hem of my dress down as it had ridden up, but that would have prompted awkward questions and I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were.

-oOo-