It was cold wet and miserable outside as I scanned the phone screen looking for a new app for my phone, the same old news weather, and sports stuff just didn't do it for me anymore. Games lasted about two minutes before boredom set in and educational apps left me cold from the start. I needed a challenge that would let me experience something different, something new, something else but I wasn't too sure what I was searching for.

One app stood out purely from a novelty point of view, 'Age Me' just take a photo and press the icon, magically the image gains 30 years of wrinkles, sun spots, grey hair and most alarmingly - nasal hair. If the result wasn't so real it would be easy to discount but instead it makes you peer into the screen looking for signs of the fresh young person you have in your mind as being the real you. Another one could add several pounds of weight, talk about porking up, the cheeks grow wider, the jowls drop and the eyes recede alongside creases and bulges.

Neither would last more than a few days but for 99 cents could help distract me from the weather that drummed on the window in sheets of rain. More music and offers of podcasts flashed across the screen drawing less interest than watching paint drying or flies mating. Then I saw it 'Femme Me' looked like an adaptation of the last two apps but had screen shots that showed attractive young women with scantily clad bodies exclaiming surprise and wonder at the power of technology. At $9.99 it would take more than a few pictures to get my money, the money market was still bleeding and job opportunities were slim on the ground. The free version lacked the final functions but for a mere 300MB download could be played with and even printout the results.

A minute later I was smiling at the secondary camera ready to have my photo taken, better resolution would make a better image the app had said but it would take another person to take my photo. Snap, my face appeared on screen, not my best side so I repeated it again, actually five times until I was happy with the results. the app split the screen and scrolled out several drop down menus covering hair colour and length, preferred lip shape and favourite lipstick colour. The advert scrolled across the screen offering the upgrade for only $9.99.

As I chose several options the image morphed into a female version of myself, the hair grew blonder and longer, the lips plumped up and became redder. The eyes got black liner around them, I chose more and the image changed until I stopped. Mascara and eye shadow took ages to get right, barely there all the way through to vampy night walker or hooker made me switch back and forth watching each step on the screen. Finally watching the image lighten as my face was covered with foundation and blusher until I would have happily dated the screen image.

I saved the results under the name test1 and started again by trying to use the auto shutter feature on the phone's main camera, this was going to be time consuming, twenty shots before I had a full body shot with enough clarity. This time the app had different menus, the face and hair were the same but it also brought up figure, weight, height, and the most intriguing one of all - 'sex appeal'. A secondary menu had clothing options for shoes, skirt or dresses, underwear, tops and jewelry alongside accessories. The programming smarts to make this work seemed fantastic as it analyzed the image looking for key body parts and features. It had my attention without doubt.

The small phone screen was hard to view in detail so I downloaded the same app onto my desktop and hooked up the phone for camera input. I know 'much too geeky' for many of you but hey it was a rainy day and I got bored. I was not one for family or friends being the only child of dysfunctional parents that went off in search of their reality the day after I finished high school. "You'll be fine just call us if anything happens" they said driving away from the house almost five years ago never to be seen again. The insurance company had argued that a burnt out car on an isolated desert track was not full proof of death but two years later the bones and torn clothing helped secure a suitable claim to keep me going for a few years to come.

Anyway back to the new app, the desktop version allowed me to zoom in and adjust each part of the body as the accompanying menu was displayed. The paint feature allowed me to paint on the eye liner and shadow along with mascara of different shades and length, this was one hot chick. Slowly each menu came and went until I had the same face as before, may be a bit sexier looking. The hair was given highlights and curls, bouncing around the face that it framed making me look like a young sexy Lauren Bacall, did I just say me?

The clothes menu had an initial screen asking for period, 50's 60's etc that made me think about the image on the screen, what did I like, what would I prefer to wear, suddenly the whole exercise got too weird and I had to take a break. Looking at the clock made me realize that I had spent over six hours just selecting and changing features on the screen until I was happy with my image. Each step had taken time to morph the original camera shot, saving information so I could rebuild the face at anytime if I made a mistake. This was fantastic value for money even if I had not purchased it yet, which was quickly becoming a foregone conclusion if the final image stacked up.

I came back to the computer after only a few minutes for toilet break and time to grab a hot drink, the process was like trying to remember the image of a person that you could only see faintly and having to create the rest. It made no sense to me when I started but as it continued I saw the image as how I would have been if I had been born female, the underlying face was mine but I had to look very deeply to find it. I guess that was the entire purpose of the app, the greatest 'what if' question for men in our time. I had to admit that when my parents left the house they also left many of their clothes and I had frequently enjoyed finding my own reality in their bedroom, more specifically mum's wardrobe and lingerie drawer.

I had several menus yet to define, height - 5 foot 4 inches, weight - not sure, body shape - hourglass, breast size - 36 C sounded fine. The image morphed then displayed little anchor points to stretch and shrink the body in each direction until I had the shape to go with the body. On the screen I was still wearing the shirt and jeans that I had on from the camera image but the body was definitely not mine anymore. Think of Hollywood / Country girl on lonely desert island and you may get an idea of what I looked like.

I flipped the period menu and chose the mid sixties, tight skirts and jumpers that covered girdles and stockings with pointy bra cups that made and impression on every male that came across them. The body cleared of all clothing, wow that was spooky, but also very exciting in a strange sort of way before refreshing with girdle, bra and stockings. At this point my credit card was being pulled from my wallet, at least figuratively as the screen held my full attention with an image of an attractive young sex siren dressed in just the most alluring lingerie I have ever seen. At this point in time I needed to make some movement as sitting had become uncomfortable due mainly to the increase in blood flow to a certain part of my body. Clicking the refresh icon brought me back to the task at hand, I needed to finish the job before getting too distracted.

Clothes are such a personal thing for all of us and the image in my mind was getting a bit clearer each hour I sat at the computer, nice body shape, great face, absolutely gorgeous lingerie and heels that stretched my legs to the point of sexiness. I wanted to wear a nice knee length black dress with halter neck straps and long silk gloves. The black handbag set off the gold chain and watch while long drop earrings dangled from my face. I had made the leap of faith from male into female and all up I have to say that I was impressed with my look. I would certainly have gone out with myself had I been given the chance.

I named the file Lauren and saved it after printing out a good sized picture and headed for the kitchen, the sun had set long ago along with the rain stopping and the moon climbing through the sky. It was getting late but I had to eat something before climbing into bed, I had spent over twelve hours just playing with my image. Most people would say that twelve hours looking at the computer screen would make them sleepy but for me it was going to be a long time before sleep came around. The old nagging question had been awakened again, I thought it had been answered and killed off after the last visit to therapy, but I could still be in denial. I tossed and turned for a couple of hours fighting to remove the image from my mind so I could sleep.

Around five in the morning the sun started to peek over the horizon, only a few hours sleep had been found but my mind was awake and shouting at me. I got out of bed and hit the shower after another hour of argument with myself. I ran a razor over my legs and armpits, purely because I liked to ride a bike and everyone knows cyclists are usually hair free. My face never needed any attention nor did my chest, arms or back, shampoo and conditioner through my average length hair and I was finished. Breakfast would normally follow but today I just had to go for a walk along the river to help clear my thoughts, if it was that easy I could have done it last night.

An hour later I was sitting at the screen starring into space, dreading going on but knowing that I had to complete the task before me. The saved file opened and from the initial image I watched as I was morphed into the sexy blonde with great legs and smile, not mention the hourglass figure. Watching the body change made me hold my breath as the waist drew inwards each inch as if corset straps were holding me tightly. The clothes changed, the girl stood upright and slender with a figure that screamed of sexiness and glamour from a bygone era. I was finished.

It took me another four hours to adjust my look, less makeup and different clothes brought me up to the present age but some of the sexiness had vanished along the way. I now looked like any model or pop star except that I had on more clothes than most I had seen lately on MTV or video hits. Again I saved the image and headed off for food.

It was lunch time and I forced myself to go outside for fresh air, the world had moved on only a single day since I had downloaded the app. My sense of well being had been dragged back nearly ten years to what should have been the start of puberty, except it had never arrived for me. The doubts and questions that raced through my head as a young boy about sexuality and identity in the locker room of school. The sensual feeling of silks and lace on the many times that I was alone in the house and could raid the linen baskets or mum's drawers. Time stood still for several years as I fought with feelings that I could not express even to parents as liberated as mine. Up and down my emotions would flow trying to find their own natural course for my life, but like rain on sand it went nowhere except downwards.

The first year after the disappearance of my parents had been hard since death was not confirmed, grief was covered by dressing up and falling asleep in one of the old nighties left behind. Studying was slow and interrupted by bouts of depression and searching for answers until they finally found the bodies and closed the case. I was free to move on in one area at least. The whole male female question just festered in the background and would pop up at times, The clothes remained in the room where they had been left, my father's clothes all boxed up and sealed while mum's got washed and ironed then hung back up in the wardrobe of lingerie drawer. If anything was worn out or damaged it was replaced, some of the clothes had been updated to current fashions. I always told the sales assistants that I was buying a present for my mother or simply shopping for her as she was unable to come out. Not sure how many people believed me but being in denial made me feel better about it.

I sat watching the river flow past the navigation markers, little ripples and splashes from fish chasing insects on the surface of the water, bits of drift wood moving slowly down to the sea and oblivion. My life was just like that, it had been going nowhere for several months as I waited for an opening in the financial market. Several other graduates had been given jobs but my resume had drawn no interest from major employers that I wanted to work for. Why was I being passed over, could it be my gender, would a girl have the same problems, why me?

The sun was beating down on the river causing reflections that made watching difficult, my eyes squinting to follow the flotsam going downstream. I headed inside to check on my e-mail, maybe a job offer, instead I found another rejection reply. Again it was the app that got me thinking, about who why and when. That was a different thought, 'when', as if the decisions were already in place and only the timing needed to be finalized or determined. I clicked the first icon and sat back to watch me being turned into the hot sweater girl of the sixties. There were stirrings in parts of my body that made sitting still difficult if not slightly painful, then the transformation was complete and instead of arousal I had peace of mind.

I sat looking at the screen checking out my image, my look, ME. The face was vaguely mine and the body was only just the same as I had not altered height or weight, just positioning of the extras such as size C breasts. My hair was basically the same and my gentle hands and delicate features were still me but with long nails and that stunning makeup. Then an advert popped up, "Upgrade now for only $9.99 and become the girl of your dreams". It sat there for a few seconds as I read the details then it vanished, no clicking on close or the red X, it just vanished. Funny about that but the advert had only come up twice and both times as I was sitting dreaming about my image.

I closed the app and restarted with the second icon, the girl next door in the 21st century, again watching as I changed from skinny darkish male into hot chicky babe. The image morphed and again I squirmed in my seat, ending in the most unusual peace as I sat glued to the most alluring eyes I had ever watched. My eyes but with eye liner, shadow and mascara that held me fixated on them as if being drawn into a whirlpool, sucked into the life of the person I could become.

I broke away and walked out to the kitchen for a cold drink, shaking my head to clear the cobwebs of confusion. Why was this app having such and impact on me, or was it just stirring up things that sat hidden for ages bursting to be released but confined within by fear of rejection. The one thing I absolutely knew about was rejection in my life, parents leave then go missing followed by the ultimate rejection of dying without saying goodbye. I knew about rejection and coping with it took me into the closet, the dressing room, the change table of life. Some would say get over it and have a drink but that was no answer for me, neither were drugs or sex. The answer was like the mist at dawn, it stays until the sun comes up and is gone without a trace.

The computer beeped and called my attention to itself, strange how we think of inanimate objects as having life and even gender. I spoke to mine at times and even asked it questions but never got any more than beeps or flashes from her, yes it was a her since she listened to me and didn't give answers. This time I saw an e-mail notification, another job application had been sent and returned. It read "we wish you all the best in your chosen pathway and the future career choice……" more dribble and rejection coated with fake concern and best wishes.

I closed the app again and started from fresh, I thought about what type of girl I would have loved to be, tall, sexy, mature, alluring. The images ran through my head like photos on a rapid slideshow, each lasting a few seconds just long enough to be seen but not to be detailed. I started with minimal changes, after all being 21 meant that I had a long life ahead of me. No change to hair length, still blonde but with a few streaks of colour for effect but not showy, the lips only needed outlining and colour. Eyes, this was the most important as they are the windows into the soul, the contact point for meeting people and holding attention. I took time and then some more time before I was happy, minimal was best with the thinned brows and blue eyes that did not need to be changed. A slap of blush over the face and I was finished with the face.

I selected my clothes starting from lingerie and working outwards it was not flashy and sexy or risqué, it was smart professional with light brown knee length pencil skirt and four inch heels. White silk blouse and the light brown jacket finished off with earrings and jewelry that spoke of refined class and upbringing, matching handbag and I was finished. This time it was me, not just an image but this was me in girl mode. I could see my face and body beneath the image and it was most definitely female in every way. I saved the file but this time used my own femme name, Kerry. The image turned around 360 degrees and smiled, that was a first, then the advert popped up.

"Kerry, last chance to be the girl of your dreams, click now" it said in bold letters that seemed to burn into my soul. They say that time stands still for people facing death or life changing moments but for me the time was way too short as the remaining seconds counted down to zero. I clicked as it hit 1 second remaining. The credit card transaction was simple and then a download started on my desktop computer. The app said thirty minutes to finish so I left it alone and went after some food since I had again spent nearly a whole day at the screen but felt very refreshed for some strange reason.

As I sat waiting for the download to finish I went through the thoughts and doubts that constantly flooded my brain, gender, future, rejection, the way I looked on the screen. I had printed out the last image in detail, the face was full size in colour that was accurate to my skin tones and the clothes had been sized by the app. I studied the image, it was me but more than me, it was my face and body with small adjustments. Instead of great big breasts and long curly hair it was my hair and petite breasts sitting on the same body shape that I already had.

The app beeped and told me that it was finished downloading and would start build the files but needed some basic information. Questions flashed onto the screen in rapid succession looking more like a job application than a computer application. Name, age, sex, all standard stuff so I answered them all, Kerry 21 Female etc. It asked for current employment status and then changed the following questions after I said "seeking employment", to get more specific details. I must have been a bit naive but gave more details than I would normally type into a web connected application due to security concerns. "Building profile, this will take a while" the screen read and started the famous spinning hourglass.

Time for some distraction. I went to my bedroom and started to tidy up the piles of clothes from last week's washing, the ones that didn't make the washing machine in time. I threw them into the hamper and scooped up the sneakers and dress shoes from my last interview, at least I got an interview that time. I picked up a pair of white silk knickers that should have been in mum's room so I headed there to put them in her washing hamper. The room was clean fresh and delicate, just the way she had left it all those years ago. I had never seriously thought about the master bedroom as a place that I could live in probably due to grief issues and the hope that one day she would return. Now the room just looked vacant and in need of life rather than death.

Grief and coping are a learnt skill and I had done the theory but little practical, today was different for some reason as I scanned the room. Four boxes of dad's clothes sat sealed up so I lugged them to the back of my car ready for dropping off at the Salvos. Mum's wardrobe had several years of clothes that looked dated so they got pulled out and bagged, shoes that had seen too many seasons hit the bin. Underwear that had been replaced was piled to one side but old stuff was placed into the same bin with the old shoes. Pantyhose and stockings were carefully moved along with delicates of all descriptions and colours.

At times I can get slightly O.C.D. and this was one of them, neat and tidy piles of clothes, matching outfits on hangers with matching shoes beneath in uniform rows. The bags went out to the car and the bin got emptied leaving several outfits that looked smart and professional including a light brown pencil skirt and jacket that I had never noticed before. It could have been all of the time I had spent on the app but I had to try on the skirt. I hit the shower and washed my hair and body all over, it was getting late but something seemed to drive me on. My hair was damp but took on a slightly curly shape as I brushed and blow dried it into shape wearing a silk bath robe from mum's, "No, they are mine now" I said to myself.

I sat down on the bed and looked at my toes and nails, they needed some heavy duty care before I could apply any nail polish to them. Claret had always been my favourite for toes and nails, three coats after buffing and shaping all twenty nails, okay more like fifty coats as some just slipped up my toes or over my fingers. The sun was going down outside but inside the light was coming on.

I moved over to my vanity table looking at the range of makeup I had renewed over the months, always good quality and the same type as before. Foundation in sandy beige, a light dusting of powder to set it all off. The eyes took time but I used the blow up photo from the printer to help guide me, redoing it several times until I was happy. Lipstick and blusher to finish off and it was very close to the printout. I reached into my lingerie drawer and pulled out a set of white silk bra and pants that I had replaced a few months ago, smaller than the old ones but just my size, padded and filled with extra inserts to give shape. I looked into the mirror as I saw the changes occurring, my face first then my lingerie, pantyhose and small waist cincher to help with the hourglass figure.

The wardrobe held a variety of tops and blouses but to keep with the printout I selected a white silk one and slipped my arms into the sleeves before buttoning up the front. The skirt and jacket took less time and seemed to fit really nicely. A pair of off white heels sat under the hangers almost begging for me to put them on, which I did lifting my body up and forward. My jewelry box still had a small watch and chains along with clip on earrings and necklaces that matched my new outfit.

I stood in front of the full length mirror checking out my look, it was me but more than me, the computer had done or was it just me choosing what I knew was inside the wardrobe. There were slight hints of the old me, but not really me, less changes and more improvements. The face had an incredible smile on it, the cheeks had colour and the eyes sparkled with happiness, life flowed through each of the windows to my soul. I turned and watched as the girl in the mirror moved so delicately. It was then that the computer beeped.

The screen simply read "Transformation complete, have a nice life Kerry" The printer had my resume sitting on it under the name of Kerry and outlined my degrees and work history, a list of companies that the resume had been sent to and an invitation to attend a full interview in two days. This had to be the best $9.99 app of all time.

Kerry