Ok, so we left off with our fearless………..errr somewhat fear………ok maybe downright freaked out is a better term. We left off with our downright freaked out hero……errr…..heroine being laughed at by his/her idiot of a brother howling in laughter at her dilemma. I believe it was something like…………………………………

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…………Fairie Princess….HAHAHAHA I called that one right on target…..HAHAHAHAHAHA “

“SHUT IT!!!! Or I swear I start telling stories of a certain “bedwetter” we all know” yelled Paul's mother.

The loud gulp from Patricia’s(or Trish as she prefers only for the sake of shortness) brother was priceless and caused quite a few joking smiles.

“I want to know what is going on and I want to know NOW!” Kat exclaimed loudly.

“The Princess can fill you in on the way to the castle, your Majesty. The Queen is expecting us.” Chimed in Sir Quintin.

As they started toward the castle, Trish started to relay the story.

“Well Mom its like this…..”…………………………………….
………………………………………………………………………………….♫
♫ENTER DRAMATIC FLASHBACK MUSIC♫
♫………………………………………………♫

ONE MONTH EARLIER

“WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!”

“Where the $##^%$%^$*^%$^%#$%&$#%$#$@ am I” Paul exclaimed a bit colorfully.

“Hey super old dude, who the hell are you and where did my crappy little apartment go?” Paul asked the super old dude AKA Aldegard the wizard as they both stood on a small hill overlooking a rolling meadow to the front and a giant castle at their backs.
“As I said before, young one, we are in Freguard” Aldegard explained.

“OK, I’m like totally freaking out now………..oh crap ….arrrghh …oh crap…dude…..dude…my freaking ears awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrr….my freaking ears are pointy, yer old dudeness!!!!!” wailed Paul while grabbing his ears and hopping around.

“OK, first of all, lets nix the “old” insults. I am aware I am advanced in age, however, I am a powerful wizard who is quite capable of turning you into a newt, child.” Threatened Old du…..err Aldegarde.

“Holy crap, dude, I have no clue what a newt is but it can’t be good. If I’ve learned anything from T.V. its that a wizard turning someone into something he’s not, is never good.” Said Paul.

“Very well then, we have an understanding. Now lets move on to the next question, what exactly is this….Dude you keep speaking of?” asked Aldegard

“Oh, riiiiiiiiight, um ok its like …wel you know…dude….bro…bra….like righteous dude. Comprende amigo?” Paul( and I use this term loosely) “TRIED” to explain.

“So Dude is….righteous?” asked Aldegard

“Exactimundo, dude.” “Now you have it.” Said Paul

“Ahhh, a Title of respect in your own language.” “Perhaps I judged you to hastily, young one.” Said Aldegard a bit apologetically.

“Uh Yea, sure….whatever…now what about my question?” Paul asked, a bit calmer now.

“Yes, well, you see, when you transfer from your world to ours, you take on the form of an Elf, as all human forms do.” Explained Aldegard.

“Ahhh ok, cool dude.” Said Paul

“Uh no, not particularly, are you a bit cool? I find it a bit hot out myself.” Responded Aldegard.

“No not…….oh nevermind. I meant to say copasetic….errr groovy? No not that one either…ok fine I mean good. You do understand the word “good” don’t you?” said a very frustrated Santa Cruz native.

“Are you mocking me, young Sir?” said Aldegard who was fast becoming annoyed again.

“NO! I mean no, dude. Im just having a hard time with our language barrier is all, dude. Yer like China and I’m like good old U.S.A if you catch my drift?” said Paul trying (again using trying loosely now people) to explain.

“Nevermind. How’s this, if you don’t understand a word I use, it’s probably not important to the conversation anyway. If I end up having to explain every slang word I use we will be in this field all day, capice?” said Paul

……..*Silence*

“Excellent.” Said Paul “Now lets get back to the freaking out part shall we?”

“Exactly why have you brought me here, Aldegard” said Paul getting serious now.

“Ahh, so you’ve been playing with my head with all this slang talk to get even with me for playing with your head?” asked Aldegard with a bit more respect for what he thought was a less than adequately intelligent person.

“Indeed, Sir. Lets call it my very accurate impression of my Idiot, man child, brother, if you will.” said Paul sharply “Now answer my question.”

“Simply put?” asked Aldegard

“If you please, Sir?” said Paul

“We have been missing our Guardian for 33 years now. You fit all of the qualifications we are looking for to fill this important position.” Explained Aldegard.

“Read my mind, Aldegard. I’m betting the farm that you know my next question.” Said Paul

“Why You?”

“Why me. Qualifications? What could I possibly have in the way of qualifications that fit your needs. To put it kindly, the word “qualifications” does not come to mind when I associate myself with the word “Guardian” said Paul, bluntly.

“You may not see it in yourself, however, it is my job to see it. The qualifications aren’t physical or mental, young one. I am a wizard and speaking from experience, those can always be altered” Explained Aldegard.

“If not physical or mental? Read my mind again wizard and this time let me make something perfectly clear to you. I’ve had many years worth of free time along with a stint in the army one of my hobbies is Martial Arts. 5th degree blacks in 3 different types. I’m good at playing myself down so my foes almost always underestimate me and I’m as sharp as a tack. I could kill you before you utter one letter of one word of a spell and NOW I am losing MY patience with YOU. Tell me I’m lying old man?” threatened Paul turning the tables on the wizard.

“No,” Smiled the wizard “You were only lying when you played down any physical or mental qualities you could have for this job.” Finished Aldegard.

“Very well, lets get down to the nitty gritty then, shall we?” A smile spreading across the wizards face as it dawned on Paul that the wizard knew his slang all along and was toying with HIM, after using the term “nitty gritty”

“Well played, Wizard. I’m still waiting for my answer, though” said Paul

“Again, simply put, your “Spirit. Your spirit is very very old and whether you like it or even agree with it, it IS the Spirit of the Guardian”

“OK, so what exactly is the “Spirit of the Guardian”. I mean what are its origins, how did I get it, and how did your kingdom misplace it for lack of a better word?” asked Paul

“I’m afraid I can not divulge that information unless and /or until you agree to fulfill your destiny as the Guardian.” Stated Aldegard.

“Ok then, and don’t get me wrong here. I’m sure that this Guardian gig is a supercalafragilistic honor and all, but ……….Any guesses what I am thinking now oh mighty ol….er dude?”

“Whats in it for you?” asked the wizard

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd Bingo was his namo B……I…..N….G….O…….B……I….N…..G……oh forget it. I haven’t the will nor inclination to finish that lame arse song, but yes, what is in it for me and of course whats the catch of the day?” asked Paul

“Well the “catch” as you put it, is that you must sign this contract with 2 very simple and very non-negotiable rules to it. First though, I will list the perks. You will have the title of, live as, be treated and respected as a Pr………………er……..well as Royalty.”Aldegard started before Paul interrupted him with…

“Heh, you were totally gonna say Prince weren’t you.” Paul chimed

“Well, You did warn me you were sharp as a tack, now, didn’t you?” both Aldegard and Paul smiled at that comment both for totally different reasons.

“Also,” continued the wizard, “You will be Justice throughout our land with no one, royalty included, above the Guardian Spirits sense of fairness. You will be shown how to awaken the Guardians powers, which, fully executed, are powerful beyond even your T.V. educated comprehension. Last but not least you shall have the most beautiful horse in all the land to ride and call your own.” He declared

“Sweeeeeeeeeeet, whats the horses name?” asked Paul

“Bingo.” The wizard said with a smile.

“Now for hummer of all bummers. Whats the rules?” asked Paul

“The contract states that 1. You shall live in Freguard for the rest of your life. You are only permitted SHORT visits to Learity by decree of the Queen of Freguard ONLY.
2. You will only marry Royalty and accept any engagement the Queen may make on your behalf for no less than 3 months before declining or accepting the marriage proposal and consummating it.”

“Rule 1. is designed to protect The Guardian from being trapped in Learity for another 33 years or even longer next time. Rule 2 is designed to give the Guardian, and not its hosts lust, the decision of whether or not to be wed to the chosen one.”

“Ok, so let me get this straight. Let me know if I have this right………I get wealth, respect, power that makes me able to kick the arse of even the coolest of t.v. show heroes, and I get to serve justice to any and all in the land, but I have to live here, can only visit that depressing, polluted, overcrowded, loserville, I call Reality, with the Queen’s permission. Also, if the Queen picks Mchotty Sweetpants or Dogface magee I have to wine and dine either for 3 months before jumping their bones and getting hitched? Did I get it about right?”

“Uh…….Sharp as a tack I tell you.” Again they both smiled for different reasons at that comment.

“Let me see the contract.” Demanded Paul

Written plain as day were those 2 simple rules. Paul even checked for small print, super small print, and borrowing a magnifying glass, extra double super small print. He then pulled out his zippo and checked for heat activated invisible ink. While doing this he couldn’t help but to wave his lighter back and forth and sing…..

“We didn’t start the fire….weeeeeellll we tried to light it but we couldn’t fight it….we didn’t start the….urm ok sorry the weed kicked in there a bit. Everything seems to be in order. Got a pen?”

“No,” the wizard started “but I have a PIN.” He finished.

“Come again?” Paul asked

Aldegard handed him a pin and said “It must be signed in blood for the Guardian to be bound to the contract.”

“Ahh gotcha. You don’t trust me to uphold it if I find I don’t like the deal later, but you trust the Guardians sense of honor and justice to hold me to it. That about size it up?”

“Sharp as a tack, again” this time Aldegard meant it. He was a bit surprised Paul picked up exactly the reason for it.

“Ok, all signed. What next?”

“Next we head to the castle so the Queen and King(Kings didn’t have any official power but they liked to feel important) and the rest of the castle can greet the long lost Guardian. After which you will have a full day to tour the castle and a good nights sleep before a full day of banqueting and celebration of The Guardians return, tomorrow.” Aldegard announced.

“Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet”Paul said

Paul = The only tack in the box without a clue