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Have you ever noticed how a fourteen dollar burger really doesn't taste any better than a four dollar burger? I suppose the old real estate rule of thumb must hold true for meals... location, location, location. Maybe I should think about relocating the restaurant. Hmmm, let's see... Lenny's on Wilshire? Nope... How about Lenny's on Rodeo Drive? Uhhh no. Oh, I got it. Lenny's in LaLaLand! Yeah, that's it. As I smiled at that thought, Brenda brought me back to the real world.

"Can we do something fun tomorrow?"

"What did you have in mind?" I took a bite of my over-priced burger.

She looked at her sister, then back at me. "We want to go roller blading on Santa Monica beach." They must have assumed that I would instinctively say no, because she timed it so that I had a mouth full of food. "Now I know you want to say no, but if you were still Uncle Lenny, you would probably be the one suggesting this."

I picked up my napkin and dabbed at the corner of my mouth.

Terry took over the attack. "You know... you were always the fun uncle, don't you want to be the...?"

"Sure, why not?" That stunned them into silence.

These were the moments that made life worth living. I love the affect I have on them when they expect me to say no, but I don't. They just sat there gaping at me, open-mouthed.

"Close your mouths, girls. Your gonna let the flies in."

The waiter picked that moment to walk up to our table. "How is everything, ladies?"

I put my burger down and looked at the girls. "He'd like to know how everything is, ladies."

Terry was the first to come around. "Huh." She slowly turned to look up at him. "Oh, ah... everything's fine." She spun her gaze back to me. "You do know that girls go blading there in their bathing suits, right?"

"Mm hmm." I just went on casually searching for the best fry on my plate as the waiter silently slipped away.

"And there'll be lots of boys there looking at us."

"Of course silly, it is a beach."

"And you're gonna do this with us, right?"

"You're mother would hang me if I let you go without me."

"So what's the catch?"

"No catch."

Brenda took over the cross-examination. "I don't get it. Why are you being so cool about this."

"Because this afternoon, you two were right." I stopped fiddling around with my food and looked straight at them. "That bikini terrified me. In fact, when we first got to the pool and you pushed me to take off the robe, I was on the verge of blowing up. But I bit my tongue, took it off and laid down. And you know what happened? Nothing. No one laughed, no one pointed... the world did not come to a crashing halt."

Their faces slowly changed from disbelief to smiles as they began to realize that I was serious. "Don't get me wrong... I'm still not comfortable with it. Actually, it damn well scares the shit out of me. But what the hell. I might just look like this for the rest of my life, so I might as well start getting used to it, right?"

Brenda looked at me and nodded. "Welcome back."

I shook my head a bit. "What do you mean?"

Terry knew what she meant. "Our favorite uncle-slash-aunt hasn't been around since we left home... it's nice to see you finally managed to show up." They were both beaming at me.

"OK, I owe you two a big thank you. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably be hiding in the room right now." I paused to suck in a deep breath. "So, you might have to drag me kicking-and-screaming, but we will go to the beach tomorrow and have some fun. I'm just not so sure about the whole blading-in-a-bathing-suit thing, OK? You two can wear what ever you want, but I'm going to have to figure something else out, OK?"

I felt a nervous tickle in my chest when they just smiled and looked at each other.

"OK, what are you two cooking up?"

In unison, they sang, "Oh, nothing." They must stay awake at night and practice that.

-----

I'm so glad it was like this for the twin's first visit here. Warm but not hot, gentle breeze, clear skies. I'd been in L.A. before, so I knew how the air could turn brown and hide the sky. But this had been a beautiful day, and now it was a beautiful evening. As it cooled off a little, the three of us snuggled in and sauntered along arm-in-arm.

Brenda and terry were almost giddy, going over their plans for tomorrow. They had already checked out a place to rent blades, and they knew exactly where they wanted to skate. I wasn't sure if I was making a mistake by changing the subject, but what the heck.

"I don't get it. Here we are, strolling down Rodeo Drive, and neither of you has even hinted about shopping. All you've talked about is going to the beach."

We strolled past a couple going the other way, then Terry stepped ahead of us, stopped and turned around.

"You know, Lora, just because we're young doesn't mean we're stupid."

I didn't see that coming. "You lost me."

Brenda explained. "This place is a money pit."

I showed my naivety. "Oh come on. It can't be that bad, can it?"

She shook her head at me. "Honestly, Lora... you really are a guy inside that hot chick disguise, aren't you?"

That brought a laugh out of me. "OK wise guru, please enlighten me."

"Have you got seventeen hundred bucks to blow on a pair of shoes, because I know I don't."

That wiped the smile off my face. "You have gotta be kidding me."

Terry backed her up. "Right over there. And, you'd probably feel silly just asking how much something is."

"All right, all right... this place is out of our league. But you haven't even suggested doing a little window shopping. Not one peep out of either of you."

Brenda huffed. "Gimme a minute here. I need to think of a good way to explain this."

Terry jumped in. "Oh, I got it." She turned to look directly at me. "Lora, do you think an alcoholic would have a good time spending an afternoon sitting in a bar just looking at all the booze?"

Brenda smiled at that and gave her sister a high five. "Exactly. Anyway, I'd rather spend the day at the beach watching you trying to get used to being a hot chick."

Here come those butterflies again. "You know, I can always change my mind about that."

Brenda took this as her cue to play the humiliation card. As an older couple approached, she got down on her knees at my feet, hugged my thighs and started wailing up at me. "Oh please Aunt Lora... Please! You're right... I don't need to learn how to read. Just don't leave me on the street again! I'm begging you..." She drifted off into a rather convincing string of sobs.

The elderly couple were grinning as they stopped to watch the impromptu street show. When Brenda's theatrics calmed down a bit, the old guy winked at me and said, "Hey Cinderella. Get a job."

Brenda stopped sobbing, looked over her shoulder and asked, "Not buying it, huh?"

"Not for a minute." They both laughed as they walked away.

As Brenda got up and wiped of her knees, her sister observed, "Tough crowd in this town."

-----

I suppose it was just one more thing I was going to have to get used to. I had been almost drooling when I called room service. It used to be my favorite breakfast; eggs benedict and french toast with a side of bacon. Now, after one egg and a nibble of bacon, I was stuffed. As I sat there missing my old appetite, Terry snuck up behind me and put her hands over my eyes.

"We have a surprise for our favorite aunt."

When she pulled her hands away, Brenda was standing in front of me with a small white box in her hands, grinning from ear to ear.

"Ta da. Happy late birthday, Aunt Lora."

"Aw, when did you two find time to do this?"

"We bought it at home, but we were waiting for just the right moment to give it to you."

What ever it was, the two of them were bubbling to see me open it. Brenda handed it to me and I moved over to the couch to open it. A breath got caught in my chest when I pulled off the lid. I was literally stunned. I looked up at the two of them with a stupid look on my face, just as Terry flashed off a picture.

Looking back down at the box, all I could think to say was, "Oh shit." That brought a squeal of laughter out of the both of them.

Terry explained their choice. "It started out as a joke. We didn't have time to give it to you at home, so I just threw it in my suitcase. But now, since you're being so cool about everything... well, they're the perfect gift."

Brenda took over. "You said you didn't want to go blading in just a bathing suit, remember?"

"Really?" I pulled the pink spandex skirt out of the box, holding it up so Terry could clearly see the word babe as she took another picture.

She goaded me on. "Be a doll and let me get a shot of the matching tube top, OK Babe?"

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror on the wall. They're right, she is a babe.

"Santa Monica beach, huh? Oh, what the hell."

That flipped a switch in the room. Suddenly, their teasing was forgotten. Brenda, who normally wouldn't say shit if she had a mouth full, just couldn't help herself. "You gotta be fucking kidding me... you're actually gonna wear it?!" The look on her face was worth what ever embarrassment this was going to cost me later. I don't think she even noticed when Terry took her picture.

-----

"Miss, I don't know how else I can say it. I will be here when you come back, I'm not going anywhere. Period."

I turned and looked around the parking lot. I felt like I was a streaker about to run away from my clothes. The girls had already done a few laps around the car as I hesitated.

"Here. If it'll make you feel better..." He held out the car keys. "... you can take these with you."

Terry was getting tired of my stalling. "Oh, come on Lora. He said he's gonna be here. Let's go already."

I looked back at the driver. "I'll be here. Go have fun." He smiled and nodded.

"Aw, shit, I must be out of my mind..." I did a single lap around the car and in a flash of spandex and flesh, I was off.

The twins were hot on my trail with a chorus of "Woo Hoo Lora! Go get em, girl!"

It only took about twenty seconds before the two of them rumbled past me. If I didn't want to be out here alone, I was going to have to pick up the pace. When I finally caught up to them, it was only because they had slowed down. I passed them, stuck out my arms and slowed down to little more than a stroll. Once I had them under control, I came to a stop.

Seeing the look on my face, Brenda came up and put her hand on my shoulder. "Are you OK? Are you sure you want to do this?"

I smiled at her concern. "I'm fine... so far."

"You don't look fine. A minute ago, you looked like you were gonna throw up."

Terry offered, "Do you want to go back to the car and get something else to wear?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that I haven't been on blades since last summer, and since then, well, I've kinda changed a little, ya know?" I looked back and forth between them for a sign that they understood. Sometimes, they could by a little dense. "New blades, new body, broken arm... hello?"

That got through to them.

"I just don't want to hit a patch of sand and end up landing on this cast, OK?"

Terry decided to play the dumb blond. "Like, why not? You can't break a broken arm, can you?"

Brenda added her own punch line. "You ditz. She's not worried about her arm, she's worried about the cast." She turned to look at me, head bobbing from side to side. "Lucky she's pretty, cause she ain't never gonna get rich with what's between those ears."

That set all three of us off. I swear, if these two had been on the Titanic, everyone would have enjoyed the sinking.

We rolled along at a comfortable pace for a few miles; soaking up the sun, chatting, joking and just plain laughing out loud when something dawned on me. I was closer to these two girls than anyone else in the world, yet here we were connecting on a level like never before. I was actually seeing the world through their eyes; they weren't my nieces any more; they were my friends.

Every guy and a lot of the girls turned to look at us as we went by. After a while, I realized that I didn't feel the slightest bit embarrassed by my outfit. In fact, it had totally slipped my mind... until I had the dubious pleasure of meeting Jordan.

As good as it felt to be out in the sun getting some exercise, we were only human. As we ran out of gas, we rolled to a stop and claimed a table at a snack shack.

"Anyone thirsty?"

"I could use a water."

"That, or a bottle of iced tea if they have it."

I sat down to pull a few dollars out of my sock. "Be right back."

As soon as I rolled up to the window, the forty-ish guy behind the counter started flirting with me.

"Ew, that looks like it hurt. You break that arm blading?"

"Nope. Sumo wrestling." He pretended to laugh too hard at that. Did I use to be this lame around women? "Do you have any iced tea in bottles?"

"Well, yes we do."

"OK, could I have one of those, and two waters please?"

"Of course you can." He turned around, pulled them out of the fridge and put them on the counter. "Six dollars for the pretty lady."

As I paid him, I heard from behind me, "Have you ever seen one of those useless warning labels that you know just doesn't need to be there?"

I scooped up my drinks and turned around. One of the most well-built, well-tanned, twenty-something guys I had ever seen was standing there smiling at me.

"Useless labels... like what?"

"You know, like on a coffee cup, it says Danger, Hot."

I had no idea where he was going with this. "OK... and?"

"And like the nicest body I ever seen, with the word babe written across her butt. You'd have to be blind to not know you're a babe."

I couldn't help myself. I had to smile and roll my eyes at the incredible corniness of the guy. And of course, he took my smile the wrong way.

"Hi, I'm Jordan."

"I'm sure you are."

"And you are?"

"A guy in drag."

While he broke out in a riot of laughter over that, I looked over to the twins for an escape. No help there... they were both paying all their attention to what looked like a smaller version of Jordan. Going with the 'safety in numbers' theory, I left Mr. Kansas catching his breath and headed over to the girls. Jordan didn't take the hint; when I rolled up to Brenda and Terry, he was right there beside me.

"One water, one iced tea."

"Oh, thanks. Lora, this is Kyle. I see you've already met Jordan."

Kyle smiled and stuck out his hand. "Pleased to meet you."

That surprised me. I was expecting another silly line. I smiled and shook his hand.

"Brenda tells me you ladies are from Boston. Great sports town."

Terry piped up with, "Hey, I told you we're from Boston. I'm Terry."

He smiled, then pointed at them one at a time. "OK, Brenda, water and Terry, tea. Got it."

Jordan decided to blunder into the conversation. "So what brings you three hotties out to L.A.?"

Before I could think of a way to deflect the question, Brenda pointed at me. "She's going to be on the Jimmy Kimmel show tonight." Well that cat managed to get out of its bag awful fast.

"Wow, hot and famous. You an actress?"

I had to shut down this line of questioning before one of the girls let the truth slip out. "No, world karate champion."

"Wow, you can pin my ass to a mattress any time you want to. Ever fight naked?"

I noticed Kyle shaking his head and rolling his eyes at his friend's stupidity. As if there was any doubt as to Jordan's status as a complete fool, fate gave him a chance to prove it. A couple of unlucky guys chose that moment to blade past holding hands. Neanderthal-boy yelled at them.

"Hey, this ain't Frisco, you fuckin' faggots!" He tried to fling some water at them from his bottle, but all he managed to do was get Brenda soaking wet.

Kyle put him in his place. "You idiot." Jordan had no idea what he'd done. Kyle pointed at Brenda. "Go get her a towel, fool." He tossed his car keys at him. "Get one of the clean ones out of the trunk."

Jordan looked down at Brenda. "Sorry about that. There oughta be a law against queers on the beach... and fat chicks, too."

Kyle was getting pissed. "Will you just shut up and go get that towel."

Once he was out of earshot, Kyle went on. "I'm really sorry about my cousin. You can't pick your family, and I'm stuck with him."

I liked Kyle's attitude. "Oh, I don't know. He does have one good use."

Kyle was curious. "What's that?"

"Every time he opens his mouth, he makes you look so damn good."

He genuinely smiled at that. "Thanks. It's Lora, right?"

"Mm hmm."

"I'm pretty sure I know why you're going to be on Kimmel tonight. I thought I'd seen you somewhere before, and as soon as Brenda here said your name was Lora, I put it together with the broken arm."

Brenda couldn't resist. "Yeah, that's her. Isn't that a frickin' amazing video?"

"Yes, it is." Kyle stuck out his hand again. As I shook it, he went on. "That was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. So you were in that bubble thing, huh?"

"Yeah. I was there." I really didn't want to have this conversation right now, but he went on.

"So were you changed a lot?"

Terry spilled the beans. "She used to be our uncle."

Kyle was stunned. "Whoa."

I wanted to get this subject changed fast, especially before caveman Jordan got back. "Your neanderthal cousin doesn't need to know about this, right?"

"Not right now. But I'm going to love telling him later. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him you used to be a dude. It'll freakin' kill him."

I had a sudden flash of evil genius. I had to hurry though... I could see Jordan coming back with the towel. "Kyle, do you have a camera with you?" He nodded and pulled out his phone. "Want to set up Jordan?"

He grinned. "What have you got in mind?"

"Just follow my lead, OK?"

He smiled and nodded. Kyle walked up and handed the towel to Brenda. It was a useless gesture; she was almost dry already. But I used it to open the door for my little scheme.

I sidled up toward Jordan. "That was awful nice of you to go get that towel for Brenda. And I know just how to thank you. Anyone have a camera?"

Kyle played his part. "I've got one, why?"

"Why don't you get a shot of me and Jordan?"

He looked at Jordan. "OK. Move in close, cuz."

Jordan stepped up beside me. I got in tight, draped my arms around his neck and pulled one knee up in front of his groin. He was really getting into it. One of his arms went down to pull up on my knee, and the other went around my waist, pulling me in tight.

Kyle stepped back, held up his phone and said, "Say sexy!"

I laid my head on his shoulder and showed all of my perfect teeth.

Taking the picture, Kyle was grinning brighter than I was. "Got it."

I let go of Jordan and stepped back. "OK, Jordan, here's the deal. If I see that picture on your facebook page before one o'clock this afternoon, I'll say hi to you on the Kimmel show tonight. Deal?"

It was incredible how one hug could turn a bigoted asshole into a goofy puppy. "Sure thing Babe."

Terry was having a hard time keeping a straight face. She gave us the exit line. "Hey Lora, I think we're running a little late. Don't you think we better get going?"

Brenda took her cue. "Oh shit yeah. We gotta go."

I looked at Jordan and put the last nail in his coffin. "Call all your friends and tell them to watch Kimmel tonight. I'm gonna make you famous." I turned and looked at Kyle. "You'll make sure that picture gets posted, right?"

He had a knowing, devious grin on his face. "Lora, posting this picture is the most important thing in the world right now."

I really liked this kid. "I'm glad I met you, Kyle. See you around some day."

The twins said their good byes and we skated off. We only made it a few hundred yards down the beach before we had to stop to laugh. Terry managed to say, "I wish I could see his face when he finds out who you used to be."

Brenda really got us going by pointing out, "He didn't even ask how you were going to find his facebook to check if he posted the picture."

=====================

Hey everyone, comment time from me again.
I've really just fallen in love with these girls.
I wish I could spend an afternoon just hanging out with them.
I never had any imaginery friends when I was little...
I guess I'm making up for that now :-)