Where to begin is often the most difficult thing to sort out, but sometimes the best way to begin. For as long as I could remember, and having my first thoughts of why I wasn't like the others was when I hit puberty, or around twelve years old. I seen girls and saw how pretty they were, with long hair and breasts and somehow I knew I was plain jane as it were and could not catch their attention. I wanted to look like them, to have a body like theirs and be pretty

, so I borrowed a bra, wore and stuffed it and got "excited" and started masturbating. In a few minutes, I was busted, caught by my mother who was and still is to this day a bible thumper. She had a tizzy, bereting me and claiming the "Devil" had me confused and made me thing I was a girl. So since then that time, I had locked away those feelings for a long time, but that didn't stop the dreams of me waking up and being a girl.

Jump forward a number of years when I was seventeen, and years of being rejected or outright ignored by girls. By then, I was afraid of them and knew they could see or tell I was different and didn't like me for who I was. But somehow, my luck changed and before I knew it, I had a girlfriend who I fell head over heels for and "loved" her. I was with her, and her with me and her name was Tanya and it didn't matter that she smoked or was older, I finally had someome who liked and wanted to be with me. We were together for a month and course I was picked on by bullies and the like. Got into a confrontation and one jock said "you gonna have your girlfriend fight for you?" Course I didn't reply outright, but inside I was saying "Yes she will." I will awlays remember the day we broke up and the words "We need to talk" which will still cause me issues to the day. She broke up with me cause of her father stating that "He is not Man enough for you." so it ended.

When I was twenty two, out of desperation and stupidity, I got involved with someone who I later found out was unstable. I was lonely, been lonely since seventeen and plus still a virgin. And then not one after I was with her, moved in cause I wanted to move out of my parents place. I should of known better and years later I look back and see just how dumb I was. She was a manipulator, only using me for what she wanted and her ways. After a year and a half, I was done with it all and moved out, and back into my parents place once more. In early April of 2003, I got accepted into the Art Institute and taking graphic design, which was more expensive and harder than I thought it would be initally. Somewhere along the years, the more I supressed who I was inside, the more homophobic I became and I think mainly do in part with being in a living environment where gays and lesbians, transgenders, TV's and CD's were all damned souls and under the Devil's influence.

So. with me during those years watching, reading or looking at women on women porn was very appealing and ninty percent of the time more thriling than male and female sex, in fact a lot of the times, it down right turned me off. It was taboo, considered wrong by mainstream beliefs, but to me, it was very right. The more I read and watched, the more envious and upset that I was not the one in the video or pictures having sex or making love to a beautiful woman. It hurt inside, deep as those feelings awoke slowly of who I really was. But when I was still in my twenties I was still in the uncertain stage of my life of not knowing exactly who I was. So I tried to find a girlfriend while I was at Art School, but nothing ever came from it and the more upset I was getting at myself.

In 2006 I met the woman who was to be my wife and have our kids, and met her online in an art chatroom. Mid 2006 after struggling to keep my GPA up and realizing that I could not, frustrated to tears that even though I was a great artist at my own thing, I was pretty much a failure on the fundamentals of what was a requirement. So I left school, talked with my girlfriend online and got a plane ticket to go see her in Mass. A few days up there, and I helped her move down to at the time New Mexico, but due to her friend's rudeness those plans changed and so I offered to have her live with me. Took us a week to get back to Texas, but we bonded, and a month later got married. Things were okay for the first couple of years, we had a daughter and I love her very much. At times I felt more motherly and caring cause my now ex wife was slightly depressed after having her. [continuation soon]