Chapter 17
Having survived the shopping expedition, I met up the next day with Robbie and Carrie. Robbie had the day off and Carrie and I both had worked early shifts and were done for the day, so we met at a mall that was convenient to all three of us. We idly strolled, popping into various stores, even occasionally trying things on, though they managed to embarrass the fudge bunnies out of me at Victoria's Secret. Hah, forget it! That is for another story! Anyway, we eventually worked over to the food court and shared a veggie -n- dip tray that the barbecue place was test marketing while we delicately sipped some luscious iced teas.
As we were almost done, four large sweaty men bantering with each other raucously exited the fitness club that was just off the food court. As it so happened, we were sitting in a U shape around a small table and could all see that particular exit. Carrie, being newly freed from her long-term boyfriend, tensed immediately, gazing in their direction. I had been telling about how I had gotten some free Starbucks and kept telling my story when Carrie vacantly tapped us each on the shoulder and pointed towards the men as they were insulting each other, continuing their locker room dialog, while they continuously disparaged each other's choice of which food court vendor to pick for their post-work out munchies.
Robbie turned and looked and her eyes got wide. Then she pinched herself and said, “I'm a married woman with a 3 year old. I can look but I can't drool. Much.”
I just rolled my eyes. “I guess my story has been killed in favor of checking of the beef.” I rolled my eyes again, independently for extra effect. All my effort was wasted as both women were entirely focused on the (in my opinion) losers. “Y'all can stare vacantly at those wastes of skin and fresh air. I'm going to go down the mall to Sam Goody's and shop for CDs.”
Without looking away, they simultaneously each grabbed my arms just above the wrists and pulled me back down into my chair. Again, simultaneously, they both said, “You can't leave now, look over there!”
At the risk of causing a flap, I stood back up, half pulling them both to their feet, and pulled loose from the collective grips. “Listen, men are the enemy. Men are my antithesis. And men will never, ever be a reason for me to not shop if I want to shop. I have less use for men than I do my appendix, which, by the way, I no longer have, and like men, do not want!”
I had them at “men at the enemy”. They both stared at me with their mouths open, jaws working like they were fish out of water. I reached over with each hand and gently closed their gaping jaws and said, “Look. I'm not normal. I know I look pretty much like a woman these days, and I am still changing and becoming more feminine and less masculine daily. But I don't need a man in my life. I don't want a man in my life. In fact, if I could live my life and never, ever see another man so long as I lived, it would be too soon. I've mentioned this before so I don't understand why you have so much difficulty with the concept.”
“Dee, I guess we keep forgetting you were born in the wrong body and that you have issues,” Robbie said. “But you are right, I don't understand. I mean, after all, if you are a woman, would being attracted to a man be such a problem? You are so militant that you try to not even be around men. That just seems extreme to me. And, I promise, I do not want to upset you or hurt your feelings. I am just trying to understand how all this works.”
“Well,” I drawled, “as I said, men are the enemy. I don't like how they act, I don't like how they look, I don't like how they smell, I don't like what they do, I don't like what they watch on TV, I don't even like them to look at me. As a group, I hate men. I don't hate any one in particular, because I feel like the only person I have a right to hate, that I am justified in hating, is myself. And I used to do that. I used to do that a lot, and with great vehemence. But, now that I am becoming the person I should have always been, I am finding less and less for which to hate myself. In fact, I have not had a good self-hatred session in so long, I'd have to say that I don't hate myself anymore, anyway. So, I don't hate anyone in particular. I just hate all men as a group. Kind of like hating some team that beat your team, even if you have a crush on one of the members. You can hate that member as part of the group yet be gaga over the individual. I won't ever be non-negative about men. And I'll tell you something else, no one will ever suffer for my outlook, either.”
“Dee! How can you say that? That is so... well, it is so... mean! Yes, mean, that is it!” Carrie continued to sputter for a while, then continued with, “What if you met the man that was your soulmate. Or rather, didn't meet him because you were too busy hating men? What about your dad and your son? I think you mentioned having brothers, too! You are wasting valuable energy hating men. You have to stop it. Besides, there are some great men in the world. You just have learn to overlook some things, sometimes.”
“Wait wait wait.” My turn to sputter! “This from the girl that last week was tell me that she was going lesbian because men sucked and no one could trust them and that they could all go to hell? Ok, this soulmate business: I ain't got one. And if I did, and that person turned out to be a man, I would gladly accept death by burning at the stake before I would accept a man as a soulmate. Fudge bunnies, as terrible as I am at relationships, I wouldn't even accept a woman as a soulmate. I am too messed up and no decent woman deserves being around me 24/7! As far as my dad and brothers being men, and my son, well, I can't help all that. I suppose they are good as far as men go, but that is not hard to do, either. And the energy garbage? I have plenty of energy for that. I am really talented that way. I don't have to stop anything and there are no great men. And, finally, I don't have to overlook anything for any man. I told you, I am not normal. I used to call myself a fatally fugly fat freak. I suppose deep down, I am a freak after all, because I can't stomach the thought of being around men if I can avoid it! No, I refuse to change my outlook on men because I see no reason to stop being right.”
They both sat and shook their heads at me, so I used my final salvo to get some breathing room, “You can think what you want about what you like. That won't change what is right for me, even if it is wrong for you. Now, I'm going shopping for a new CD or two, then I may head down to the Pit Lane and buy a NASCAR shirt for my son. I have my cell with me if y'all want to talk to me. Or, you can find me there. Or, you can go with me.”
They both sourly waved me on my way. I shrugged as eloquently as possible and picked up my purse, got a refill for my tea, and started off for Sam Goody's. Of course, that was when the strap had to break on my sandal, tripping me into a support column. The dong my head made as it impacted against the steel girder was quite impressive. I was not even dizzy. My head was intact and I was gathering up my purse and standing up as I realized the four losers had surrounded me. Two each took my arms and picked me up off my feet and then set me back down. I was instantly angry enough to do something stupid, but, somehow, I did not kill any of them, however tempting it might have been. “Thanks guys, I've got it from here.”
Now is about when Robbie and Carrie pushed in between them. “Dee! Dee! Are you ok? That girder rang like a gong at a Japanese restaurant! How is your head?”
I'd had enough. Normally, my mental shields are not physical in the least, but now I was being crowded by four smelly apes. I was not a happy princess. Without really consciousnessly thinking about it, I visualized my shields becoming hard and then explanding outwardly in an expanding sphere. Somehow, I filtered the other two women out of the response, so that only the men were pushed away. I quickly and angrily took off my other sandal and threw them both in my purse and stormed off, glaring my darkest, most threatening glare. My son feared that glare worse than missing meals. But not quite enough to miss a NASCAR race. Oh well, at least I knew where I stood!
Anyway, I stalked down the mall to Dillards and actually managed to find some more sandals I liked and they were even on sale! Sweet! Robbie and Carrie caught me as I was carrying my choice to the register.
“Umm, Dee, what did you do back there? How did you move all four of those hunks without appearing to even have touched them?” Uh oh. Robbie sounded upset, scared, and possibly even weirded out. And it can be really difficult to weird out a practicing witch!
Uh oh. Looks like I might have bitten off a bit more than I wanted to chew, this time!
Chapter 18
Mostly finished, posted soon
Comments
Depth
This chapter really gives some depth to her character as well as expose more issues that she got to get over. All of this talk about soul mates, but the spousal unit isn't mentioned once? Just what is her place in this relationship?
Hugs!
grover
That's a great point
What I mean is:
What does she need to get over? Why does she need to get over it/them?
What is wrong with her liking herself the way she is?
These are serious questions for me in real life, as much of this store stems from real life.
I am open to all serious feedback. Notice the word "serious". That is not an invitation to flame.
Thanks,
D
Issues?
You asked "what does she need to get over? Why does she need to get over it/them?"
My response? How about too much hate based on prejudice, combined with a hair trigger and too much power accessed WAY too easily?
They tried to help her up after she hit a girder so hard with her head that it rang "like a gong at a Japanese restaurant." THIS is grounds for even contemplating execution? For your protagonist, apparently yes. After all, they're just "losers" and "smelly apes," right? In fact, you just portrayed your first-person heroine with such poor impulse control that I wouldn't put it past her to impose a casual death sentence on any man who wanders into range when she's having a hissy. She thought about killing them for being POLITE? And CONCERNED?
Yes, your protagonist has issues she has to get over -- and with the kind of power she apparently has at her disposal, she'd best get over them quickly. "With great power comes great responsibilty" -- and irrational hatreds directing the use of the kind of power Dee has is not a recipe for hugs and puppies.
Randalynn
I do have issues.
but most of my negative thoughts are directed at myself.
I have a huge problem with frustration and I try to counter that by being as sweet and helpful to my friends and co-workers as I can, sometimes to the point of overkill (them with kindness).
And exactly what I have desired has happened. I've created a positive environment that attracts people, positive and negative, and feeds them. The positive people come to me for reinforcement and the negative ones for a lift.
I have made a conscious choice how to live my life in opposition to my instincts. Allow me to present a (mirco) spoiler here: the protagonist will respond the same way I would in that case. She will graciously thank the men, make a self-disparaging remark, and slip away with as little fanfare as possible, then deal with the other two women discussing them (the men)to her with silent disdain.
I've had many many opportunities to hurt people for self-gratification in the past and I've refused them. Even the ones where I was justified. Instead, I've steeled myself to take the high road, just as my Southern Belle mother would have done. I was a correctional officer for a few years. I'm neither unable to defend myself nor necessarily opposed to doing it. It just usually is not necessary.
I am not sure I really answered your concerns &/or questions but it is like knowing right from wrong. I do. That is why I was invited to join a coven. We all have negative impulses. It's what we do with them that makes the difference.
Now, let me make this plain.
Thank. You. Very. Much. For. Your. Feedback.
Really, I mean that. I know you had honest questions that you phrased carefully. I apologize if you feel I didn't address them properly
Thanks again,
DD
I wonder
Is your protagonist angry at men in general or angry at having had to be trapped as a man all those years?
I can see with the years of frustration, being now partway through his/her metamorphosis and just having got a possible mild concussion from the girder, she was acting on primal anger, fear and confusion and her powers lashed out by pushing people away.
Quite inventive and pleasantly quirky.
John in Wauwatosa
P/S. Randalynn, thanks again for the you-know-whats.
John in Wauwatosa
Men are Not the Enemy...
this... coming from me! I, just as D.D's character had, hated males for a long long time. I felt precisely how she worded her hatred inside the story. However, I have been taught that hatred is wrong. I had systematically condemned large swathes of innocent people based solely on their sex. I am better than that. I look deeper into the gender thing of their spirit. If its a dominatory male seeking to control what I do or say - that is the sort of person I avoid. If they are of a sweet nature or even have a feminine spirit - they are kindred and I can communicate and be friends with them.
I frustrated my mother Randalynn for quite some time dealing with toning down my hatred of everything male. So I know where she is coming from and her frustration with your character's pov D.D. If your character truly hates men, which is your option, it does make the story hard for some of us to digest. If she hates specific types of men (much like I do) - thats more understandable and could be clarified.
I just thought to mention this to you D.D. I have, after all , been abused raped and beaten by men in an incident, and abused and beaten by males most of my childhood and teens. Violence never makes sense. Love is always the answer - love from your heart. Forgiveness and acceptance you can not change the entire world. You can change yourself and what your closest friends do think. And that is a start.
Please do not think I am pleading to change your story D.D. i am not. I am just replying to further clarify what my mother was trying to say in the above post. And maybe impart something of what I had learned and gone through - learned about myself from being on the same end of the stick of life your character is now. And what I learned from my mother's timeless teaching's on how to view life and other's with more clarity.
Love
Sephrena Lynn Miller
This is actually becoming theraputic
I am gaining more insight from all this than ever in my life. I still don't feel a great impetus to stop hating malekind, but then, it was never a pervasive thing. I have seen the aggressive way men pursue women and then how the treat them once they catch them. In my "I must be normal so I have to act macho to fit in because the normal guys are macho smelly apes, too" phase (also called the peak of denial), I was guilty of it, some, myself. I have been described as charming and engaging, even by my detractors, so, despite the fact that women were generally out of step with me as a male, I could often at least enjoy the stupidity of the male mating ritual on a limited basis. The eventual outcome of that phase is a long sad story and I call her the spousal unit, and up to a point in the very near past, spousal abuser. Enough said on that rabbit chase.
I am not really sure what point I am trying to make now, but nonetheless, I see very much what you mean, Sephrena. I was never abused physically until after I was married. I found out years later, everyone thought I was some kind of martial arts phenome. HA! I liked Bruce Li movies LoL. I never backed down, though, and I was fast on my feet, both mind and body. I did take some verbal heckling, but I learned the caustic cutting sarcastic comeback early and it became obvious that that kind of duel with me was "at your own risk". Since I was as liable to make it self-disparaging as not when I did it, they never knew what to make of me, anyway.
Also, if it makes you feel better, my bias doesn't show even to those who watch me closely. My recent eval at work describes me as being willing and able to talk to anyone, anytime, regardless of station in life, social standing, gender (AH HA), age, race, religion, or pretty much any other line. The person giving this evaluation has been critical of my lifestyle previous and it was an effort for him to admit this. As I have stated in another place in this forum, I attempt to create a postive environment. There is always sacrifice involved in that kind of effort. My sacrifice is overlooking my prejudice against malekind.
Well enough of my errant ramblings. Thanks for your input and have fun as you find it!
DD
Posted with permission!
This is from Grover, who had contacted me thru the private message system. Some pertinent questions come up here and I obtained permission from Grover to post them here, as you see in the next paragraph:
Sure of course you may repost. Some of us 'wounded doves' have 'tender' places so that's why I sent a PM. If you have no problem neither do I!
Hugs and peace "D".
> > No intention to tell you how to write your story.
>
> I intentionally asked for feedback, so you are not telling me how to right the story, you are doing as I requested and I love that.
>
> >It just seemed that she has a lot of anger at men and males although she says not. Maybe she hasn't made peace with herself now that her dreams are coming true. Notice I didn't say HATE. Perhaps she needs to forgive males for unwittingly trapping her as one of them for so long.
>
> Men are the enemy. This comes straight from real life and is not likely to change. I'm not militant about it and I have an extreme degree of pragmatism about you can't control reality nor those who share it with you. And I do hate men, but not on an individual or personal basis. I hate them the way I hate asparagus or icy roads, etc. Asparagus is a favorite for many. I can't stand it. However, I know it is a nutricious vegetable and it is kind of pretty. I hate *driving* on icy roads but I think they are beautiful to look at and I sometimes like that I can blame not doing things I did not want to do, anyway, on icy roads. I hate men because they are the enemy. I appreciate some of them on an individual basis. I love several of those that are actually related to me. I hate no one on an individual basis, male or female, though, except for myself. I am the only person I feel I have a right to hate, and I do it well.
>
> > As for the spousal unit I missed the spousal abuser thing too, so maybe I need to go back and re-read some. She does seem to be a little like an ex of mine that just wanted to see how much I could provide. When I stopped providing she departed. It this case she seems genuinely happy with her changes and shopping. Is a change of heart coming for Spousal unit.
>
> The spousal unit also comes from real life, but I have definitely taken some license in her portrayal. She is not as bad as she used to be towards me. She knows nothing of these stories, nor this site (surprise surprise!). There is quite a complicated relationship there and I won't try to explain something that has taken 1/2 a lifetime to live through.
>
> > Again just some musings on my part. YOUR story is excellent and please don't change a thing!
>
> Much thanks! I'm having a ball with it
>
> > Hugs!
> > grover
>
> Thanks again,
> DD
>
> PS, is it ok if I repost this as a comment to my blog? You had an excellent message and this was exactly what I'd like to see. The "no flames" part was cautionary to the more extreme elements I have encountered in the past, admittedly NOT this forum!