By: Emily Rudgers
I see your questioning look for the millionth time today
You see me sitting and thinking for no apparent reason
Deep in thought over something clearly troubling me
With your disarming humor and nonchalant attitude, you put me at ease
I hate to have to do this to you
Killing who you think I am just to replace it with an alien
My words fail to come out of my mouth despite my lips making the motions
Finally my voice starts somewhere mid sentence
Just as the main issue is being said
You smirk, of all reactions you simply smirk
I anticipate the write-off of “what do I know”
Or thinking I am simply joking with you
I curse myself for being so sarcastic to you all the time
However, you saw in my face something I thought I hid
We have grown up together and know you how to read me
You can see the importance of this topic to me
With a graceful snort you say the single greatest word ever spoken
“So?”
You love me for who I am, and that will never change you say
I have underestimated you and your love for me
However, I have never felt more cheated
What felt terrifying and huge is less than water under the bridge between us
Telling you was easier than saying it to an empty house
I love you for that and hope we never lose this bond
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Comments
This one does not affect me.
I never found myself in that situation for I was 'caught' in early childhood and never ever had the privilege of keeping IT a secret until I could perhaps have found the time and place and courage to choose the occasion.
To learn that your confessor is not angered or distressed or censorious of 'THAT CONFESSION' must be one huge relief and cause for much thanks and peace.
I can see the relief and peace your confessor's indifference brought you but is that indifference tantamount to acceptance and can you count it as such? Do you need that acceptance or is the indifference basis enough for continued friendship.
These are things only you and others like you can know. That privilege is for ever to be denied to me and such as me who were 'caught'!
This issue therefore does not affect me, not because I am insensitive to your circumstance but because I have no experience of 'coming out'. I was caught and consequently 'outed' then repeatedly 'outed' again and again with each new aquaintance until I escaped the captivity and brutality of abuse. Still I understand you.
But your last text was infinitely more pertinent to me.
Still I thank you for supplying the text and narrative to give me a like for like revelation of the hurt.
Beverly.
Growing old disgracefully.