Little Pink Pills

Part Three, by Michelle Wilder

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or off stage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild wild horses couldn't drag me away

(Wild Horses, by Keith Richards and Mick Jagger)

(Reposted and revised)

----

It took fifteen minutes and me still looking okay, but they finally said I had to go to the nurses' office during football practice and rest there until Carse got free. And I had to tell him or whoever if I got in too much pain or was even ~suspicious~ I was going to faint or pass out or lose it. And I had to take another pill at lunch, even if I felt okay and ~even~ if I'd probably need a nap in the afternoon. Oh, and I ~had~ to take a nap in the nurses' office if I needed one.

But I could stay.

This time Mom hugged me goodbye like I was going for my first day of kindergarten. Which, considering I was prolly gonna have an afternoon nap, felt about right.

----

Sitting in class was painful, but the pill was fresh. It usually worked pretty well for an hour or so. I hardly remember anything after about eleven. Or lunch, I think.... I remember we ate in the hall outside the offices so I could stretch out on a couch, which we usually aren't supposed to eat on, or put our feet on either. So that was lunch. I think.

----

Carson was shaking me, waking me to go home, he said. He was looking straight down at me from like five inches and I was all confused about where I was, which was the nurses' office, that I finally noticed, or remembered or something.

He grinned really weird-happy while he helped me up and with my crutches and said thank you for us to the nurse.

I was still all fuzzy, but I finally noticed him, his grin. "What're you looking like that for?" I had to ask, because he looked funny.

He smiled more normally, but barely, and walked funny. Like he skipped a step. "You'll hear about it tomorrow...." He laughed at my starting to get mad face or something, 'cause he looked at me.

"Well, okay. You fell asleep on the couch and we couldn't get you to really wake up, like you are after, after two pills?" He was grinning his head off. "So I carried you to the nurses' room."

"Huh?" He'd carried me before. He carried me in the morning. He ducked and hopped away from me like I was going to hit him with a crutch, and smiled from over there. I thought, oh... asleep....

I remembered holding his neck.

I was out of breath, just like a punch-

I stopped and almost fell. Too quick, braced on my crutches, I swayed and tried to get Carson, to tell him....

"Wh... wait!"

He looked back and his grin disappeared. I was totally winded, and panicking. My hip was jerking, almost out of control, or it felt that way, the way the pills made me feel like I was moving when I wasn't. It was like that, but standing it was way worse, way scarier.

Carson was beside me all of a sudden and sorta pulled one crutch away and... one arm under my legs, cast stuck way out, one under my back... he stood up and I was in his arms, still shaking inside.

"Drop your crutch." He said it like he knew, and I sure didn't and I was scared, so after a second I let go and he stood up a bit straighter, or leaned back more, and gave me a little bounce and he was breathing a bit deep, but just breathing. He even had a little grin again.

And I wasn't scared any more and the shaky thing stopped, just like that.

"Are you better now?" He even sounded almost normal. I nodded.

"Then relax and enjoy the ride." He grinned a big, cheesy one. I kinda... I was ~really~ aware of my arms, of what I remembered they felt like before, and him... but I kept them inboard and was... amazed.

I mean, I wasn't ~little~ and he was really carrying me! And just walking. It was the first time I could see how strong he really was, even from before. And it was different from the time at home or from the morning, maybe because I wasn't hurting, really. It was totally different.

He backed into the exit door push bar and eased my leg through and stepped outside and slowed way down and took really deliberate steps down to the sidewalk and put me on a smokers' bench and stood up all slowwww, and I could tell he was trying to breathe normally, so I wouldn't see. He looked totally amazing.

He waited a few breaths. "I'll get our stuff," and hopped up the steps and inside.

I just looked. Totally amazing. My leg hurt less, better than in the hall, and I was breathing okay, but blown away. Carson.

The door banged open and he came through in one big stride. He looked at me a second just like the nurses in the hospital all did, and then he smiled.

"I'll get my car, okay?"

----

"I guess I shouldn't come tomorrow...."

"What? Why not!?" He sounded surprised. I thought I shouldn't have even said it.

"To school. I shouldn't go, I-"

"Yes you should! You were ready to take up finger-painting at home!"

"But I about passed out this morning and at lunch I did. And now I couldn't even get to your car-"

"You didn't take a ~pill~ this morning and the, the two pills thing was all that happened at lunch, and you were just tired now, and nobody but Nurse Ratchitt thinks you're too sick or whatever to be there, and she just wants nobody in her perfect room."

He didn't like Nurse Hamilton, the morning one, for some reason. He said she was useless, even if I thought she was the same.

But he'd made another long speech. Sentence. Whatever. Three in a week. Maybe four. Almost like back in the hospital.

"And you'll be that much better, I mean, more healed or in better shape tomorrow, too." He talked at the road as he drove and sounded like he wasn't as regular as he wanted to sound. Like when he was carrying me.

"Mom'll never let me...." I wanted to think he was right, but I was realistic, too.

"But she did this morning, and sleeping was what you were ~supposed~ to do anyway, wasn't it?" He sounded like he was smiling, then. He sounded right, too. And different.

----

Mom was really unhappy that I slept the whole afternoon. Dad was ~especially~ unhappy.

But Carson said it was the two pills, not that it was too hard or I was still too weak or anything, and I guess it worked 'cause they said I could go back.

Dad still sat with me on the couch like he was afraid I'd disappear or something.

-

Carson stayed for supper and Brenda came over to do homework after and Valerie came up to my room

to study too, even though she usually said we were too noisy. Practically every chair that'd fit was in there, and the den coffee table.

Either Carson or Brenda had just taken everything already, so my math homework always went really fast, but catching up on all the rest was still gonna be a bear. I looked at the markers in all my texts, where I was and where I had to read to.

"Hey? What's wrong?" Carson wiggled my good leg and looked at me like I was going to fall down again, which was unlikely, being as I was lying on my bed. Val looked at him like he'd just said something really serious, or bad. I looked back and he was just normal.

"Just all the work...." I pointed out how much I had to read, to make up. I waved at it, anyway.

"But you have to the end of the year and that's only gonna be a few extra pages a week homework, isn't it?" He sounded like it was okay and squeezed my ankle.

"But all the tests and papers and stuff are before then, and-"

"They don't expect you to be caught up for those, do they!?" Brenda looked mad.

Carson shook his head and sounded sure. "They don't. Mrs. Jaworski said you just had to read the second book with us, and she'd do a special test for the play. And I know most of them are just gonna make you do special makeup tests, for official marks and stuff, and forget what you missed in class, the discussions and all that." Then he went from normal to really serious in a second.

"But you're gonna flunk phys ed for sure."

Valerie snorted and Brenda made as if to slug him and he laughed at all of us. "Okayokay, you don't even need it if you've got a medical thing, which I think might be pretttt-ty easy to get...." He patted my leg.

"So how come you know all this?" Val smiled funny at me and asked Carse, I thought.

"I asked." Carse smiled at me like she was an idiot and waggled my good foot to make it flop around.

----

I got about one day closer to catching up, I guess. Maybe a Sunday.

----

"I'll come pick you up a little earlier tomorrow, okay?" Carson was generally getting ready to go.

I guess Brenda decided to finish up too, 'cause she sorta marked her place and closed the play book. "I'll come over too, okay? About seven thirty?"

"No."

We all looked at Valerie and she grinned back, just at Carson. Her sense of humor is weird sometimes.

"Carson and little brother need some... alone time."

I followed Val's and Brenda's eyes and Carson was as red as a beet and trying to look busy, and not at us, and not answer. I didn't even know what.

"It's okay." Valerie said it really softly.

I stared at Carson, trying to think of what he was red about, or what Valerie meant. He closed his eyes, hard, and stopped packing. Stopped everything. My heart jumped, a really bad feeling.

"It's okay." Valerie touched at Carson and then smiled at me in a really different way. Not bad, but different. I mean, different than she ever had before, maybe. And she kept looking right at me while she walked out and shut the door. She shut it really quietly.

Before the door closed, I saw Brenda in the hall looking at us, and I never even saw her move. My heart was still pounding.

Carse just stood there, like frozen, still red, and he looked like he should've been breathing hard but he wasn't. He almost wasn't breathing at all.

Val said "alone time" and he turned red. And didn't say no. And the girls left, and he stayed. But he was going....

She said it was okay. What was okay? I was totally scared and had ~no~ idea why. It was like he was away again, like before, and like I had to give him reasons to stay?

A whole bunch of things went through my head, about his talking so much, and carrying me, and smiling. He carried me when I was asleep. I thought how we must've looked, like a picture.

He hadn't said no or anything to Valerie. And she smiled... it wasn't bad... like it was something good. I remembered Brenda had smiled when Val said it, too. I didn't remember seeing her, just that she smiled.

My heart stayed fast, but not as bad. Maybe even okay... good. It was going like a drum.

"Carse?" I tried to say it softly but he still got tense. "Are... is it... okay?"

I guess that didn't make enough sense to make him more upset because he just looked at me and got a little more human-colored. I couldn't figure out his face, but he was really scared, besides whatever else.

"Are you okay?" I remembered how much he'd asked me the same thing.

He shook his head yes and no and looked at his hands. They were shaking. He sat down hard, too. "I guess...."

It was like something bad was happening, but not bad. I couldn't think of anything really bad, even him carrying me, if that was bad. Valerie had laughed.... I knew lots of guys who'd pound on anyone who did that, or make it dirty. I didn't, wouldn't, him....

That was the bad. It was me.

Would ~he~ think that was bad, that I didn't? Even though he did it? Even after the... the thing, was he embarrassed?

"Carson? I'm sorry.... What's wrong?" I tried to ask as gently as I could. I was afraid what he'd say, as if asking quietly would help.

He started to turn red again and I'd asked wrong, and it ~was~ the thing, me. My head started roaring again.

Carson's a big guy, a defensive lineman. Not the biggest guy on the team, but in the top few. He normally says about ten words in an hour and when he smiles it's worth more than with almost any other people laughing out loud because he....

I suddenly realized how I was thinking of him, how I had before, about being my friend. And how it meant more that he was blushing - he wasn't red, he was ~blushing~ -- and still sitting with me, even if something was maybe wrong.

How ~everything~ about him meant more than I'd ever thought about before. I had to rewind and play again.

Holy... cow.

Holy ~cow~. Or maybe he was like I was... trying... no.

He wasn't- Valerie wasn't talking about being friends. He was already that, more than anyone. Being alone with me. With him. He wanted to be alone with me, she said. Did she? And Brenda went with her. No. She said ~we~ wanted... needed? alone time.

I needed Val back.

"Carson?" I still tried to be quiet. Not scare him. Not scare ~me~, more like it.

He made a small question noise. It was what he normally did instead of talking and it made me smile. It was like I could ask without anything bad happening. I had just the right question, too.

"Ahh.... ~Do~ you want to be," I took a breath, "... alone, with me?"

As soon as I said it I had to add, "It's really okay with me."

I tried to be serious and harmless. And then not smile, as if I could figure out how harmless looked with a guy who was so bigger and stronger than me and knew I wouldn't anyway. But I tried to look like I wouldn't get mad, or laugh.... Or worse things if there were any. But I wasn't scared any more.

He stared at the door. For a long time. Minutes.

I liked that sometimes he hardly said anything, even if it wasn't always good, so I waited. Even though this time it seemed like it might for sure not be good. But I knew he'd say something. And it didn't ~seem~ bad, which was why it was my bad.

And if he didn't say anything, we were still alone together. I smiled at that. Maybe that's what Val meant. I didn't think so, but I smiled at the idea. That he wanted to be with me alone so we could be as quiet as he wanted and I could practice waiting.

I still thought it was more about how he smiled lately. It was a different smile, really nice....

"."

I looked at his face again instead of his hands and he was looking at my cast, thinking of words and nearly there. Like he was usually, like talking was harder than it was, for him. He was red, too. I waited, watching. He was easy to watch. He took a breath.

"I really, ummm, liked, liked...." He stopped for like a whole minute, and looked straight down.

"I liked carrying you." He looked at me for the smallest amount of time possible.

I think he still saw my smile because he smiled at my cast a little. I just ~knew~ it was about that, good or bad. Or that too. And it was good. I waited for a few seconds because he might've continued.

"Why?" I asked it like it wasn't even a mystery to me. Like a teacher, like I already knew the answer? He moved this time before he talked, sat more facing the wall so he couldn't see my face even if he did look up.

"I dunno." He looked at his lap or something and then back so he could see me, even though he still didn't look. "I dunno."

He never had trouble talking before, he just didn't talk as much. He squeezed his eyes shut.

He... it was what he was going to say. It wasn't ~really~ the carrying thing. He was scared. Of what I'd do. Or what I'd think. Or say. He was scared of what he was going to say.

"I wish I could've been awake."

I didn't think, but it was true, and something I'd been afraid to tell him, teasing an' stuff, even though there wasn't any. He hadn't teased me, but I thought before that he might, if I said.

"I liked you carrying me, after school." I had to smile because that was the short version, for sure.

He looked at me straight in the eyes for a second and then at his hands and then he took a huge breath.

"Do you ever think about all the stuff... you'd like to say... but you can't?"

He said it like it was something he'd thought about for a long time. But like it was because of what I just said, too. He looked at me again and he was nearly crying at whatever it was.

I nodded. For sure. Right at that second my leg cramped a bit. He ducked back down again and wiped at his eyes.

"I want to tell you something... really... private. Okay?" He was quiet. Almost whispering. And shaking.

I could see his hands shake even though he was holding them tight. I didn't want to move and scare him, but I couldn't reach him either, laying like I was. And If I moved wrong my leg would cramp 'cause I could feel the beginning of it in my thigh. I had to concentrate to ignore it, to stay really relaxed and just listen.

"Okay."

I couldn't say it any quieter. I was sure whatever he said would be okay. I had a sudden idea what, and it was. I just had to be still. He shook even more and his hands were hard fists.

"I...." He tried again and looked at me quick and ducked again. He looked awful. "Please, just... don't...."

He scrunched up his face and looked at his own chest and then at me.

I must've looked almost as bad, because I'd never seen him like that, ever. I wanted to make it better, the way Mom or Dad used to. Almost without thinking I made the arm thing for come give me a hug.

Or let me give you a hug.

He made a hard jerk, like someone kicked him.

----

He cried like it hurt more than anything, like every breath was pain. And he tried to hide, as if I shouldn't see even when I was holding onto him and trying to help.

I thought that... that it was the same as when he carried me. Not like word-thoughts, but like feelings.

----

He finally stopped after about ten minutes, even though I could tell he stopped just by forcing himself, not because it was over or that he felt any better. I held him as tightly as I could and he held onto himself and my arm. Then he took like a shuddering breath and sat up more, away.

"This is the hardest thing I'm ever going to do in my whole life...."

I think he whispered because that was all the voice he had left.

"I... I... think...." He took another breath and tried to stop shaking. Then another one, and then he stopped breathing and scrunched his eyes hard shut. It was so quiet and low I almost couldn't hear, except when he gasped for air.

"I f-f-f-f-feel like a... like a... like I'm... a... a... g-g-girl."

He ducked away like I was going to hit him and let go of my arm but stayed on the bed, even if he leaned away. Even if I kept my hand on his arm.

I was... surprised.

Dumb word.

I thought maybe he'd ask if I was gay, or in the last few minutes, say he was, or bi or something, or that he - I'd just thought gay.

I guess guys always think that's the worst thing. The biggest thing. But I didn't.

Girl wasn't bad at all. I didn't feel anything like hate or anger or that stuff like we were supposed to with gay. But I wouldn't with gay, either. Just surprised, it was so... new.

Girl. ~Wow~.

He thought I was going to hurt him!

I slowly pulled him back and he slowly came, still hiding, almost to where he'd been when he cried, and I hugged him. He didn't hold my hand this time.

I whispered the first question I had that didn't feel bad in any way. It felt like a really good question. It felt like a real one, too.

"What's it feel like?"

----

He didn't have the words, really. He thought there weren't even words that weren't bad, that anyone else would say....

"I mean, I don't know how I can even know... I mean, what anyone feels like...." He blushed more. "But, all my life... I've thought about it."

He got even redder. Like it was the worst thing ever, again. I could barely hear him.

"I used to dress up."

He looked at me, I think to see if I was sneering, from his face. Like he knew I'd hit him. Like he'd said it so I would.

But I wasn't. Didn't. I'd already thought that he must've, some time, probably lots, if he felt like a girl. And he had a sister, like just a year younger, and his mother. And he only started to get big in junior high. It was strange, but not bad. Maybe funny. If I was a girl, I would have. It would've been fun if I was a girl.

"In Jerri's things?" I tried to ask it like a regular question but he acted like I spit on him and jerked a bit away. I hugged him harder and leaned my head on his arm.

"What's wrong? I didn't mean anything. I think it's okay, kinda neat...." My leg jumped.

He shook his head. Shook off my hug, almost. "I'm a freak." He said it like "shit."

"I'm a freak."

Suddenly I saw that he wasn't as scared of me as he was of... as he hated it. And he thought I should too... hate him. I got angry that he could be so... so stupid!

"No! You're not any... freak! Don't say that!" I tried to pull him around so I could make him look at me, so he'd stop hiding, and I suddenly thought of something and said it really fast.

"You, you you remember what I said? What I said about when I came home, about you and Val?" I punched him in the hug. He had to listen.

"You're my best friend! And Brenda and Val and you're all I have and you're NOT A FREAK!!"

There was a terrible pain in my throat. If he hated himself, he wasn't... he thought he was worthless.

"You're n-n-not a f-f-f-f-free-eak-k...."

I could hear Mom and Val at the door, kinda calling us, but it was Dad who opened the door a second later, before I could say anything to them, or Carson could get better, or anything.

Dad looked in, and then he came in and held the door mostly closed. He looked at us for a moment and I could feel Carson absolutely freezing. Shivering and as stiff as... anything.

"They're both okay. Could you please... wait downstairs?" He looked in the hall a few seconds and then closed the door and sat in one of the chairs, the farthest from us. He looked so serious, like we were in trouble.

"Are you two okay?"

I was almost jerking from the pain in my leg and crying from Carson, and he was not-crying and hiding and... he was terrified.

Dad was quiet and calm and looked in my eyes, and at Carson too. He wasn't mad.

I tried to nod, but I hugged Carse harder. I knew he wasn't and he was almost shaking off the bed, big shudders. I knew he was so afraid Dad would say what he was afraid of... that he'd heard, that anyone had.

"Are you alright, son?" At Carson. Dad never called me that.

I closed my eyes and held him as hard as I could, nodding, wishing. Carson didn't answer.

"I heard, outside...." Dad was quiet, but really, I don't know, forceful? "I have to ask something." He paused. Carson made a jerky shiver.

"Son? Have you thought about hurting yourself?"

Carson shook even worse and I squeezed my eyes tighter shut as if that would make my arms stronger. He'd never hurt... hurt?

I remembered all the thoughts I had. Did.

My leg stabbed and I made a noise even though I tried so hard not to, but it was at the point where I couldn't stop. My leg, my hip, jerked tight and then my foot and I screamed, it was so....

I wasn't holding him anymore, couldn't do anything but try to reach my leg, and he was so... afraid... that I'd hate him....

And I let him go, let him down. Her. Like she was afraid of.

----

Strong arms held me and made my back straighter and lifted my leg so it would swell less and Carson wasn't leaving or going to hurt himself, he was holding my back and my face and telling me it was okay. Like before.

----

Dad drove Carson home to talk to his folks and Mom and Valerie and Brenda changed the sheets on my bed while I took stupid bath with an inch of water in the tub because the doctors said I couldn't get under my cast wet. I never felt clean and it hurt to have my leg up on the ledge. And I'd peed my bed.

I felt like I was bleeding inside. Like I was gonna pee again and have no control at all. Like nothing was... like nothing was okay in my body any more. And my head was ~all~ over the place.

-

If Carson thought he was a girl, if he felt like one, then how did he see me? I mean, what did that make me? Did he think I was like him? I didn't think so, from what he said, but I still wondered what he thought. He'd just said he thought, what he felt like. And that he felt like a freak.

I didn't feel like a girl. I mean, the idea never came into my head before, like Carson'd said. I never dressed up, except dress-up games when I was like five or six, I think, and I hardly even remembered them. I always thought I was a boy... I still did.

But I might be gay. After what I... thought. And crying. I don't know, but I was different than I thought before. Maybe that was what he was talking about too. No, he didn't, ~I~ thought it....

And Dad seemed like it was okay with me holding Carse and us both crying. He seemed really normal. Not happy, but not like mad at me, or us.

He wouldn't be, if I was gay. Happy. Or maybe he would if he did think that, I mean okay about holding. And Carse was normal... it was just hard.

He never said anything about me. ~I~ was the one thinking it.

-

I was just thinking about me. Some friend. Carson just did the hardest thing in his whole life and all I could think is what ~I~ am. He was a girl.

He didn't say he ~was~ a girl, just he felt like one.... But I- it was like he was a girl, to me. For some reason, after he said it.... It wasn't about Jerri's clothes or anything. That musta been years and years ago. It wasn't clothes.

Like things... like it was.... He said he didn't have words. She said. All the words I had were confused.

Not all of them. She. I had to smile. She.

Carson was a girl.

----

I wrapped the towel around my waist and called out for Mom and Val and they both helped me out. Talk about embarrassing, it's having to be helped out of a tub by your mom and sister with only a wet towel for cover, only 'til it falls off... after a bath to clean off pee.

Or being dried by your Mom while you lie down almost exhausted from just... getting up and lying down.

It wasn't the first time, and it was okay, they said.

I was the only 17-year old in school with a plastic sheet. And... well, worse stuff.

-

End of Part 3