Little Pink Pills

Part Thirty, by Michelle Wilder

Oh yeah, all right
Are you going to be in my dreams
Tonight?

Love you, Love you
Love you, Love you
Love you, Love you

And in the end
The love you take
Is equal to the love you make.

(The End (complete song), by Paul McCartney, John Lennon)

(Revised and reposted)

----

Like the stuff we had to do was worse than what happened in the first place.

----

Mom knocked and Val said to come in.

She sat on the bed and did both our forehead hairs, that little brushing thing that feels so soft. She touched the scrunchie too and sorta smiled for a second.

"How are you doing?"

Val hugged me really hard. I think I shivered mostly from her, how scared that seemed. But I knew how I was.

"I'm okay, really. It's like they were saying at... yesterday, about everything happening so fast." I tried to put it in my eyes, so she could see.

"But really, Mommy, I'm okay."

----

"How can you be so calm? I'm scared... so..." Val shivered a second.

Before she could finish saying it, I hugged her, for how warm she was and how it was making me feel safe. Safer.

"I'm scared too, but everything's better, even with them, with Garry and them and... whatever happens." I ducked my chin to hug her more.

-

"Carson..."

"What?"

"Carson's gonna... be a real girl, so she can be one, all over, and it never wouldda happened if I hadn't broken my leg, and she might have... even...."

Val hugged me. She knew.

"So... so it's all good, all for... it's good that everything... that happened." I had to think about that, too. "Really, everything."

"But... your leg...."

I felt her arms. Really hard.

"I think maybe I just...." Better words. After a few breaths I had them.

"It's what Dad said, but not about depression, or being the same as Carse that way.... It's like I was depressed because of..."

I had to talk, even if we were too close. Whispering was hurting. And it all made sense, and wasn't scary.

"I'm like Carson." When I said it, it wasn't right. "Not the same, but like her. She always knew, you know?"

Val nodded.

"I just had to find out."

Val didn't say anything for a long time. I think I fell asleep.

----

Jason called after first period. He was with Heather and Cherryl. Mrs. Donner put the phone on speaker.

Jason didn't joke at all. None of them did. I could tell they were mad or something even on the echo on the phone and wondered if Mom and Mrs. Donner could. Carson pulled me closer.

"I heard it was guys from the team. Gary, Neil, and Tyler Jeffries, and... maybe Perry Evans. Some guys said he was bragging about it like he was there, too, but I only heard any of it second-hand but Cherryl heard only the other three. But from what she said they all said stuff that sounded like they really saw what happened or that they did it, and Neil said he broke the window. That he threw a rock."

Cherryl sounded tinny for a second and then I guess Jason gave her the phone and she got louder. "Hi, it's Cherryl. Like Jason said, they were bragging on the front steps before the bell and had a crowd and were pretty well out-yelling each other and Jason says what they said sounded right. And Kevin was there and I really got the impression he had something to do with yesterday, too, but I don't know for sure, sorry...."

Mom sat different, but she only looked at Carson. I could tell she wanted to tell her to not be on the team or something like that, but she didn't.

Jason kept on after I guess he decided nobody was gonna say anything.

"If it ~is~ them - and I'm pretty sure it was - it's who I'd sorta expect, some of them." I could hear him look at Cherryl.

"They make um... racist- black and Jewish jokes too.... Tyler was detentioned for it last year."

Mom sat up more.

----

We weren't going back, that afternoon, anyway. Mom and Dad both said that was final, and the Donners, more. Everyone said.

Mr. Carruthers said so too, when Mom called.

----

"I still wanta go back tomorrow, like normal again. It's the only way." I tried to make it sound like I had, before, like normal. I knew I didn't, but still.

Nobody said anything for a few seconds, and everyone looked like they would.

"Are you going to tell the school?"

Val sounded all normal-serious and then she smiled at me. I wanted to kiss her.

"We ~have~ to!" Jerri was still like she wanted to stomp someone.

----

Everyone came over after school.

Heather said one girl said I was a fag (she apologized and said homosexual before that and Mom said what did she really say, it was important) and that she'd said something about "Boys Don't Cry."

People were talking about that movie, even though hardly any of them had ever seen it and it was years old... but they'd all heard about it, and the end. I had.

Carson hugged harder and shook a bit and I couldn't tell why, but maybe just not to be too tight.

Jason and Cheryl both moved.

"I rented it, when it was out." Jason looked mad, but at the... at something different. "It's all about homophobia, but just one time, one place, this small town... the guy's a transsexual boy, like sh- he was a girl, before, sorta... it's complicated...."

"He gets killed." Cheryl looked at me, but I knew. "It was kids from his school, from his town, and it started with talking down at him and all. But the same ones."

It's a true story.

----

It was hard when they left, pretty late, but Jason drove them, and Mom called Mrs. O'Connor.

----

We watched it.

Dad had to drive to the North End Mall to get a copy. Blockbuster didn't have it anymore and he had to buy one.

Only our parents could talk, after, for a long time. And Dad was almost... almost not like Dad.

----

Mom called Mr. Merman and the grownups talked.

----

Mr. Merman came over with the school board lady from the meeting. Mrs. Ootrek or something.

They told her about the calls and eggs and window, again, 'cause she already knew about it, or what she'd heard, and then about the movie, and she'd seen it. So had Mr. Merman.

I didn't say a word until it sounded like Mom was basically saying I couldn't go back until it was all completely safe, or safer.

----

Mrs. O'Connor said on the phone that they couldn't just have an assembly or something and "out" a student or students, like Mrs. Utrech had been saying, even if we wanted to.

----

The bunch all came over after school, Jason, Cheryl, Heather, Jerri and Brenda, all over instead of to their homes, and we told them.

They told us all the stuff that happened at school, mostly just what everyone asked, or said. There wasn't anything new, really.

Supper was delivery pizzas. It wasn't very happy, and I think Carson was afraid to touch me too much in front of them, and the pizza was like cardboard and I didn't have more than a bite and Val and Mom tried to make me eat all the whole time.

----

"If I didn't go back, or Carson either, then there'd be like no problem, right?"

Almost everyone started to say something, or move "no."

Some kind of no.

----

"I'm coming tomorrow with you." Val sounded shaky. I nodded.

"If you...." She hugged harder, then backed away and just touched my back. "I know nothing's gonna happen tomorrow, not even an egg or... or anything, but I have to, okay?"

----

"I love you, you know that, right?"

I nodded. "I love you too."

She squeezed harder a second. "I know. I just needed to say that, for me."

She cried a while and I tried to figure what to say to make her feel better, or whatever, but I didn't know, so I cried too, that she was that sad. Once I started, all the tears about everything started too.

-

When she was quieter, she wiped our faces with hankies she knew where to reach in the dark.

"I hate all this. But I am ~so~ glad I got to meet you, little sister."

She shushed me. "I know you haven't changed, and that... I just... I hope you know I always loved you, even before, but we didn't get to talk... before."

She made a crying noise, a few breaths, and sniffed.

"I'm just so scared now...."

-

After a few minutes, I told her it was okay and then kicked the wall. Mom and Dad both came, really fast, and I said Val was just scared, and then I was....

-

Mom and Val cuddled and Daddy held me and he told me how he was proud of how we took care of each other, and how he was scared about tomorrow too, and Mommy was too, and we weren't going to do anything, or Carson and her family either, unless it was safe-feeling right then, and he'd keep us all safe.

That's not what he said, but it's what he meant.

What he said was a whisper.

"Shhh."

----

In the morning I was really tired. Which, since I wasn't asleep 'til at least after two, made sense. Val said I had dark circles even if I thought I looked pretty normal. She looked tired, though.

----

Mom was already in the kitchen and Dad was already outside, checking at the house again even though it still wasn't even sunrise, really.

Mom slid us each cups of coffee, already the way we liked them, and sat down.

"Your father and I talked a long time last night." She sipped her coffee like it was a normal morning. Even like last night was normal. I guess we acted like they were too.

"So, you're going to school with your brother?"

"Sister. Yes." Val leaned an inch and touched my arm. "Someone has to look out for her." She smiled at me before I could and then at Mom.

"Besides you and Daddy and Carson everyone else, of course."

Mom almost smiled. "You have to stop the sister thing if you're going to school with... her." She did smile, after Val made to open her mouth. "And you won't be allowed in ~her~ classes either, you know."

"I know, and I think after home room is over I'll come home. I have a class at ten anyways, and by second period Carson and the rest will all be there and things'll be over, or settled, or whatever...." She made a small face.

We'd talked about how if anything happened it'd be out of home room, probably... so before. Or in the halls. But really, over.

Dad came back in then, and it looked like it was going to be a beautiful day, at least from the no wind. He smiled at us as he took off his winter jacket that he hadn't done up, so it was.

"How are my two genius children this morning?" He kissed our heads and then messed up our hair. "Have we solved the problem of supporting your parents in style in their old age?" He poured himself coffee, black, and sat down and smiled at us all.

"Nope. Not yet...." Val smiled big. "Maybe when I graduate and become a street entertainer."

"I'm gonna marry Carson and she's gonna get drafted into the NFL and be their first woman player and make fifty million dollars a year." I grinned at Dad. He grinned back and then at Val.

"At least ~one~ of my fair goose eggs is golden!"

"And then she's gonna buy a whole ~string~ of fast food places and you can work there." I tried to keep the same smile even when Val and Mom laughed. Dad looked all hurt.

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a thankless child! Alas! Alack!" He turned to Mom and did his Captain Kirk face and and hands.

Mom looked at him and then Val, and did a polite smile.

"You'll never make it as a street entertainer, dear, with those genes." She looked at Dad again. "Maybe television."

I turned to Val and grabbed her hand in both of mine and pleaded. "Please, oh sister dear... try the streets, first?"

----

After, I wondered if other families were like ours. Carson's wasn't really, except Jerri... and maybe Carson. And her dad, a bit. But her mom seemed all normal.

Jason's family was weird, though, I'd've bet.

Then I thought that I was avoiding the issue. That we all were, sorta.

----

Carson and Jerri came over, and Brenda came last, but still early enough. They said their parents were already at the school and Mom and Dad said they had to get going too.

Mom whispered another time if I still wanted to, and I whispered back I did, as if it was a secret, but it wasn't. Or maybe it was just too hard to say out loud. None of us were.

----

"You're not gonna wear that to school, are you?" Val looked at me funny. I looked down.

"Why? What's wrong with it?" I was wearing a sweater Mom had bought me last Christmas that I didn't like much, but it fit.... And Carson's letter jacket. "I get cold easy!"

"You ~can't~ wear Carson's jacket!" She looked frustrated.

"Why not?! We're telling them anyway, and she said I could!" I started to get scared that I didn't even understand anything and then it was all even more scary... and too late.

----

Carson said maybe Val was right, about the first day, anyway. And that she'd made the mistake, not me. And maybe it was too much, too soon. And she promised after, when it was safer.

And Val dug up ~her~ old letter jacket that was almost the same and more my size and still made me... whatever Carson's had. Feel like me. Even if it said 'Valerie' and 'Precision Squad' on it, instead of her. And the year before I was a freshman.

I ~could~ hold my crutches easier, since the sleeves didn't go all the way past my fingertips, though I didn't tell Carson that.

----

Everyone was on the front steps already, except our parents, and Carson said she was only gonna be a couple of minutes parking her car. Jason sat beside me after I plonked back, kinda beating Brenda to between me and Val.

"All ready for the big day?" Jason didn't smile or make his eyes or anything, even if he said it like a line. So he was worried. But I was. Ready. And worried, too.

"I think so. " I made an eye at him and smiled. "What? Is the big, brave wide receiver scared?"

He laughed then. "Hey, I've seen you two in action, and riots are ~ugly~ things, or so they say on TV." He waggled his brows.

I looked at him and smiled. At what he was saying and doing. What everyone was.

----

When Carson came around, just a few moments later, I got up before she could sit down, and hopped over to her.

----

When first bell went, five minutes, we all headed in. All our parents were in the main hall and we all gathered around and I had to choose and then I didn't, because Carson held on, at least my arm. Some kids stared at us but everyone seemed to just look for a second, then at my leg and all, and then leave. But I wasn't trying to see what they thought.

I had a thought that I coulda worn Val's prom dress and nobody would have noticed, as long as they saw the crutches. But then, Mom and Dad and all were there.

-

It was just a few minutes. Just between the bells. We all talked about nothing, and when the second bell went, one minute, I had to sit down because I started to get light-headed scared, like the dress-up posing.

But it was early enough, and I was okay.

----

When the class bell went, we all went quiet. The morning announcements from one of the secretaries came on a few seconds later, like normal, and then, at the end when any new stuff would normally be, she announced Mrs. O'Connor and she came on.

I started shivering.

"Two nights ago there was an act of vandalism aimed at the home of a student here. While those involved in the vandalism have been identified, they are being asked to come forward today to make amends rather than requiring school authorities to act." There was a sound of papers moving.

"Tolerance is more than ignoring something or someone. It is accepting and including someone different than yourself in your life, in the things you do and the people you associate with. True tolerance is not a negative thing, or doing nothing. It is ~positive~. It is learning, and understanding. It is also respecting another person's rights. It is also something this school takes very seriously.

"We don't all enjoy everything we learn, we don't all like everyone we meet and work with. We don't all understand everyone around us, their families and beliefs and traditions. But we must ~try~ to understand, and learn."

Mom hugged me hard, one-armed, and smiled. "I'm so proud of you two."

I tried to think of what to say, but the PA started again. It was more than we'd written. More than the school board lady had said they could say.

"Two students have come to the school to tell us they are different, not in a negative way, but simply different: the way some of us have rare eye color, or unusual height or physical ability. Their differences aren't apparent to see in their bodies or talents, but in how they live." She paused.

"These two students are transgendered. They have a different sense of being male or female than most of us do. There are many transgendered students and staff in this city's schools, most invisible, even in hiding, because they don't believe we will tolerate them."

She cleared her throat.

"I've talked about tolerance. The opposite of tolerance is hate. The word intolerance means refusing people their rights, making them unwelcome, afraid... even hurting them.

"Because ultimately, intolerance means not allowing people to live their lives. Not allowing people to chose their own lives. Or to live at all."

Pause.

"We all know of religious intolerance, racial intolerance.... These are fearful things that have marked our history, the history of the world. Sexual intolerance, sexism, is similar. It has oppressed women throughout history." She changed tone. More like a teacher.

"~Gender~ intolerance is refusing to allow someone to live their life in a way that has ~no~ effect on yours."

There was another paper sound. A quiet, soft sound.

"You all have been given a chance to learn something important." She sounded like she was smiling.

"The students I've spoken about have attended this school for years, made friends and attended classes. I hope you will give them the chance to show you their true selves.

"Thank you."

There was a tap sound and the speakers went off. Then a sort of quiet rumbling sound started.

I'd never listened before, I guess, but it was all the chairs and desks and talking of all the classes of students. Someone yelled. It was like a cheer.

Carson wrapped her arms around me so tight I dropped my crutches. I didn't care. I could almost walk.

When she kissed me, I could fly.

----

The end