Him-Lady or She-Male

Chapter 9. The psychologist meeting at last.

“Alice,” Mom said. “I forgot to tell you last night, but you have an appointment this morning with the psychiatrist.”

“What psychiatrist? I’ve never seen a psychiatrist, what makes him want to see me now?” I raved.

“Well they called last night and said that you had an appointment today at 9:00 am. So get up and get dressed. It’s almost time to go.” She informed me.

“What do you want me to wear?” I asked.

“Wear your school uniform, you can go to school right after wards.” Mom said.

So I got up, did my morning duties to cleanliness and got dressed as usually.

Mom was waiting breakfast for me, and I rushed eating it. I was not feeling lady like at the moment.

We drove towards the hospital. I hadn’t been back here since my accident. It was creepy. However we instead went to a building next door, to the hospital, not inside the hospital. That was a least a reprieve. We went up to the fifth floor. There was a whole list of doctor’s names on the door. There must have been enough doctors’ name’s there to see half of the people in the city. I didn’t know that there were that many crazy people in the world! But, then who was I to talk. I was a guy that was a girl that thought he was a guy wearing a dress. I had to admit that you couldn’t get any crazier than that. After the standard checking in, we sat down to wait the dreaded Doctor Doom.

“This way Ms. Johnson. Just your daughter right now Mrs. Johnson, the doctor wants to talk to her first please.” The nurse said.

“This way please, her office is in the back.”

“Hello Alvin, I’m Dr. Carr, why don’t you have a comfortable seat, and lets talk for a while.” She said.

“We could talk about why you have me wearing a dress, and why the doctor had to make me a vagina instead of just making me a eunuch and staying a guy?” I said.

“Well then lets start with those then. You have a vagina because the doctors had to re-arrange your plumbing inside to let you pee. They could not just cut your penis off and make you a eunuch. As for you being in a dress, that was mostly you’re mothers doing which we are here to talk about. It was debated quite a lot, but was decided to not step in at the time. We were trying to keep your mother from a nervous breakdown at the time. Also, first, you could not go back into the boy’s dressing room for the rest of the year. This was to protect you from a beating from any of the boys; you know how they can be. Calling you a fag, and taking you out back was not something we wanted. A beating would have damaged your already delicate body, which needed time to repair it self. Second, you could not be allowed to have any activity that would be too strenuous on your own system. Third you needed to have some small exercises, but controlled, and not too much. Fourth, you were known to overdo exercise on your own, often, so a controlled environment was suggested. Fifth, you have a very strong natural self-concept of who you are. We felt that none of this would be too big of a strain on you. It was felt that you had no problem with who you felt you are, so a short period of time would be safe. Unlike transgendered people, who go through the first part of their lives with problems of not knowing who they really are, and not adjusting to how society wants to sees them? It was felt that you could handle a short period of time cross-dressing as a girl. This was mostly for your mothers state of mind, but also for your safety, in more ways than one. The cost was considered, and the benefit was weighted. And a decision was made to follow a plan that would be in the best interest of everyone, not just yourself. Even though it was harder on you than we wanted it to be, your mental health was of less a concern then your mothers at the time. You should know, that it was considered to remove you completely from your parent’s home. But we thought that leaving you at home, even having to cross-dress, was for the better of both of you.”

She continued on with “Now we also had to worry about your mother and her state of mind. She loves you very much. We do not have enough information about people doing SRS against their wills to know all of the pit falls. We do know that they have a higher rate of suicide than any other operation, even more than Transgendered people who want to change. We could only compare you to a transgendered person. They have gone their whole life from birth, learning, but being unstable. They have an idea of who they are, but one that does not match who society sees them as. Many of them commit suicide. Upon learning that you might commit suicide, your mother became frantic with protecting you. That has been her drive, and her problem. How we, that is you and I have a number of problems that we need to solve. So where do you want to start?” She finally asked.

She had given me a lot of facts and information, too much, in fact. There was no way that I was going to be able to come up with questions, much less answers with all of that thrown at me. “How do you know so much about me, when we have never meet?”

“That’s because one of your 10 girl friends is also one of my patients. I cannot tell you who she is, because of doctor, patient confidentiality. And I can’t tell her that I am also seeing you, for the same reason. But she has been keeping me informed of you, in great detail, as a matter of fact. So we have been keeping an eye on you from a distance, so to speak. Also, Dr. Chang has been seeing your mother almost every other day. But it’s now time to close that distance between you and us, and start repairing some of the problems and looking at long-term solutions. And that is why you are here today, not to solve anything today, but to get to know each other, and to start developing understand of the problems, and then start what changes we can, to solve those problems.”

“OK, I’d like to stop wearing dresses.” I said.

“Lets see, a guy, that use to be a quarterback for his high school football team, suddenly has to wear dresses. Now why aren’t I surprised that you want to stop wearing dress’s” Dr. Carr said with a big smile.

“So I can?” I asked.

“What would happen if you did?” she countered.

“Well for one thing, I could drop all of the dumb girl classes and go back to being a boy.” I said.

“OK, lets take them one at a time. Think about it, could you go back to boys gym, undress, let everyone see your pussy, and not expect some of the goons to meet you after wards, to bet you up. After all you do look like a girl down there now, don’t you?” She asked.

I had to think about it. It was a fair question. And I had to agree with her, I couldn’t change in the boys’ locker room. Just what she said would happen, would be what happened. That means that I would have to think about everything that I wanted to do, before I asked it or did it. It was not so simple. “I can never go back can I?” I asked.

“Not all the way back, we have to find some middle ground for you, you are no longer a boy, and you are not a girl either. We don’t think that you would ever be happy as a complete girl. Sometime in the future, after school, we think that you can still hide yourself as a guy. After school, physical examinations are not required everyday by those around you. So people will never know what you look like down stairs. Only a doctor that takes x-rays would know that you are male, and then he would know the truth, but think that you wanted to be a girl. A doctor that just examined you would think that you were a girl that took testosterone before puberty. Other than that no one would questions you.

We were hoping to get you to agree to live out the rest of this school year as a girl, and then after school is finished, when it would be safe for you, then start living like a man again, with some restrictions. Which we will discuss later, not today.” Dr. Carr said.

“OK, since I have to be and do like what I am doing, then why did you call me in?” I asked.

“It’s because there is a problem, now and in the future. And that problem is that you are now a transgendered person. Normally, transgendered people are born in the wrong body. We have learned to deal with that, by changing that person to look like the person that they think they are. But even with that there is still a problem with suicide. There are only a couple of cases like your own, and in almost every case the person suicide sometime in their life. So we, that is, you and I, have a large problem. Dressing up and pretending like you are a girl is nothing. Because you know that you are really a guy. But the despair and hopelessness that might overcome you is a problem. Most people have a lifetime to either accept that they are born in the wrong body, or change it. But you don’t have that time to deal with the problem. So we are going to have to start dealing with it together. Right now, you need to keep pretending that there is not a problem, and keep dressing as a girl, because that solves a lot of problems, that needs to be address. But you need to know that later, we can start changing a lot of those things. After school, you can start wearing male cloths again, because then, it will not matter. People accept that men and women both can wear male clothes. And you will know then that you are wearing the clothes that you should be wearing, not dresses. Now, can you accept this plan of action for now?” Dr. Carr asked.

“I don’t like it, but I understand it.” I said.

“And that is the question now. How much don’t you like it? Because it is important to me as to how much it is hurting you inside your heart. We both know that it’s no problem of what you wear. It is however a problem of how you feel about what you wear. We don’t want you to wear dresses because we want you to be a girl; we want you to wear dresses to force you to slow down, and to help with your mothers’ problem of caring too much for you that she has gone overboard. So how do you feel about it is what I want to know.” Dr. Carr asked.

“Well, if I don’t have to wear dresses forever, then I guess that I can do it. I of course don’t like it.” I said.

“Wee you know what I’ll do. I think that when we talk to your mother, that I’ll make it mandatory for you to keep seeing your ten friends every Friday. At least then you will have one night out a week where you can escape from you alter ego for a while. And if, sometime or other you or I can find ways, then we will get you out more often to switch identities. How does that sound?” Dr. Carr asked.

“It would be OK with me of course. It would be like un-cross-dressing for a change, wouldn’t it?” I said.

“Exactly, I think you understand the problems better than anyone now Alvin. Lets go into Dr. Chang’s office now and meet with your mother.” Dr. Carr said.

We left her office, and walked down the hallway. When we entered Cr. Chang’s office, it was a really big office. Mom was sitting in a chair, so I took a chair next to hers.

“Mrs. Johnson, this is Dr. Carr, she is the one that I was telling you about that will be talking to your child from now on.” Dr. Chang said. I didn’t miss that he called me a child, and not a son or daughter. I smiled at him, and he smiled back. He knew what was going on, all along and how to deal with it. I gave him brownie points, not because I was getting what I wanted, but because I felt that he was dealing with a bad situation.