The Holy Spirit, I   By Melissa Tawn   What does a transitioning transsexual do if she is totally “unpassable”? Perhaps withdraw to a convent.

CHAPTER 1. THE CONVENT

If you travel some 20 miles north on US highway 27 from the town of Richmond, Indiana, and look carefully to the right, you see a small turnoff almost hidden behind a clump of trees. An insignificant white sign nailed to one of the trees proclaims

If, nonetheless, you turn down that road, and drive another 500 feet or so, you come across a bigger sign with bold black letters on a yellow background

You then drive through a denser line of trees and find yourself in front of a 15-foot high chain-link fence with a locked gate. The gate can be opened using a magnetic key card - if you are one of the fortunate few people who have one. A sign directs others to get out of their vehicles and approach a closed-circuit TV camera, bringing identification with them.

Dr. Catherine Gold (AUTHOR’S NOTE: Dr. Gold is a gender psychologist, who was introduced in my story “The Doctor, II”. She has appeared in several other stories as well.) alit from her rental car and duly placed her driver’s license on the scanner next to the camera, along with a letter of invitation to a meeting at CHS. After several moments of whispered conversation which Dr. Gold could not follow, the gate swung open and she was directed to continue on to the main cluster of buildings, where a guide would wait for her.

Dr. Gold drove on for about five miles of forest. It was very beautiful in the full colors of the Indiana fall, and she even spied several deer among the trees. Then she descended into a valley, in the middle of which stood what appeared to be a large medieval monastery, built in true gothic style. It was, in fact, based on the plans of the Espirito Santo convent at Olmedo, Spain, founded by the Cistercian Sisters in 1142. A more welcoming sign proclaimed its name in full

As Dr. Gold parked in the lot next to the entrance, a gray-clad nun came forward to greet her. “Welcome to the Convent of the Holy Spirit, Dr. Gold” she said smiling. “I am Sister Serena. The Mother Superior asked me to welcome you. She, unfortunately, will be very busy for the next half hour and asked me to give you a short introduction to our order while you are waiting. It is such a beautiful day today, let us sit here in the garden.”

Sister Serena directed Dr. Gold to a seat in a lovely courtyard garden, and began her story.

“I should begin by emphasizing two points which, I am sure, you already know. The first is that, contrary to first appearances, we are not affiliated in any way with the Catholic Church, or for that matter, with any other religious organization. While we have chosen to live according to the rule of the Cistercian Sisters, which dates back to 1125, we do not require any form of religious belief from those who live here. I am sure you noticed the most salient “missing detail” from the design of these buildings, namely that there is no cross over the entrance to the convent nor, for that matter, anywhere else except in the cells of those of the nuns who want it.

The second point, which of course is one of the reasons you are here, is that all of the sisters of this convent - including me - are biologically male. We have chosen to live our lives as cloistered nuns for a number of reasons, as I will explain.

This convent was founded forty years ago by our first Mother Superior, Sister Beatrice. What her “male” name was before that is unimportant. Suffice it to say that she began her life of frustration hidden in a male body by applying her energies and talents - as many do - to making money. In fact, she was very good at that and by the time she was 40 she was worth several hundreds of millions of dollars. However, she looked at her life with disgust. She had always felt that she was a woman and having to live her life as a purported male disgusted her. What made it worse was that no amount of makeup or surgery could make her look even remotely like an attractive female. In appearance, she resembled a cross between the old-time actors Robert Morley and Edward G. Robinson.

She therefore had the idea of founding a “convent” in which she could live a female, albeit cloistered, life away from the eyes of others. During the times when she had tried joining various support groups for crossdressers and transsexuals, she had come across others with a similar problem. Their gross male appearance belied every attempt to exhibit the feminine selves they so longed to bring out into the open. With a few friends, she therefore established and endowed the CHS Foundation, which purchased this land - very extensive by the way - and built this convent far away from prying eyes. She and her friends then shut themselves in here and tried to live the life of pious cloistered women.

Sister Beatrice tried to reach out to established churches - she, herself, had been born and raised a Catholic - but, as one can expect, was rejected. Indeed, the Catholic Church even filed a suit against the use of the name “Convent of the Holy Spirit” on the grounds that they had proprietary rights to that and similar names. Fortunately, Judge Judith Goldblatt in Indianapolis dismissed their suit. She ruled that since the term “holy spirit” (or “spiritus sanctus” in Latin) is merely a translation of the Hebrew “ruach hakodesh” which is an integral part of the Jewish religion, the Catholic Church itself appropriated it from an older religion without permission and therefore could hardly now claim any proprietary rights to it. Moreover, convents and monasteries can be found not only in a Catholic context but also in several other religions - including non-Christian religions - the Catholic Church had no special rights with regards to that. In any case, the word “convent” simply means “assembly” in Latin, and was often used in nonreligious contexts. Indeed, in some medieval societies a “convent” was merely an administrative subdivision of a province (“conventus districtus”).

Still, we are very careful to emphasize to everyone that we are not associated with the Catholic Church or with any other organized religion, just so that there is no misunderstanding. Each sister in our convent is free to worship God in her own way, or not do so at all. We provide several chapels which are used by various groups of nuns. Every Sunday, all of the nuns meet in conclave and we discuss the spiritual aspects of our unique lives. Quite frankly, little by little we are evolving our own theology here, which tries to understand and explain how people like us have come into being and what part we play in the scheme of the world. I am sure you will be interested in hearing more about that from the Mother Superior, when you meet with her.

The convent was built by the CHS Foundation, which has funds prudently invested and is able to maintain us in reasonable comfort. Other income comes from the sale various arts and crafts done by those of the sisters who are so inclined. I am sure you have seen the wonderful large tapestry sewn in the medieval manner but with a very modern content which hangs at the Chicago Art Institute. The artist is listed as “Sister Helene of the Holy Spirit” and I am sure that the curators would be shocked to know that Sister Helene, whose needlework is so delicate and so beautiful, was a star linebacker for the Bears for several years before she joined us. They would be similarly shocked to find out that the “Holy Spirit Marmalades” for which they pay a very high price at premium gourmet shops are prepared by a former bodyguard to a Las Vegas mafia chief and a former captain in the Green Berets, who lost a leg in Afghanistan.

These, and our other sisters, are all here because they know that they could never appear in public as women - with all of the plastic surgery available and all of the cosmetics to choose from - they are just not “passable” by any definition. Some of them have the added burden of having been public figures who would be recognized instantly, no matter how much they tried to live in obscurity. Here, on the other hand, they feel safe and secure cloistered in their own world. They do not have to worry about people pointing fingers or snickering behind their backs.”

Dr. Gold interrupted the story at this point and asked if she could eventually meet with some of these sisters, but Sister Serena said that that would be contrary to the rules of the order. According to the rules, only the Mother Superior, her assistant (i.e. Sister Serena) and the Sister Victualer (who was in charge of purchasing food and other supplies needed by the convent) could meet with people from the outside. “Three of our sisters are doctors, including one who was a head of surgery at Mass. General Hospital, so we rarely even need to bring in outside medical consultants. We do so only when our in-house physicians recommend it.”

“Well,” said Dr. Gold, “your Mother Superior invited me to come here; maybe this is one of those special cases.” “Maybe,” replied Sister Serena. “I do not know what she wants to talk to you about.”

CHAPTER 2. THE MOTHER SUPERIOR

Sister Serena looked at her watch and then rose to escort Dr. Gold to the office of the Mother Superior of the convent. On the way, she explained that the current Mother Superior, Sister Mary-Hope, was only the third person to serve in that position since the convent was founded; she was elected by the membership after the death of her predecessor seven years ago. As they were introduced, Dr. Gold noticed something familiar about the tall distinguished-looking nun, but it took a few moments for her to “click” and recognize the nun standing before her as a famous and often-photographed former governor of an important New England state and (unsuccessful) candidate for Vice President of the US, who had disappeared from public view some 15 years earlier. Certainly such a person, she mused, would have a very difficult time indeed transitioning into an ordinary and anonymous female life.

Sister Mary-Hope escorted Dr. Gold to a corner of her large office, which was furnished with a pair of comfortable armchairs and a low table, on which there were already placed a pair of cups and two urns - one with tea and one with coffee. After she poured Dr. Gold’s beverage and sat down, and after the usual 10-15 minutes of small talk, she got to the point.

“I am very glad, Dr. Gold, that you accepted my invitation to come here. I am sure Sister Serena did her usual thorough job of explaining the origins of our community. Over the years, we have grown quite a bit from Sister Beatrice’s original dream. We now number over 130 nuns, and have a waiting list of several dozen more applicants, for whom we simply do not have sufficient space to accomodate. From this I deduce that we are still fulfilling an important need in the transsexual community. However, we are also fully aware that society and its relationship to transsexuals are changing rapidly. Things are not as they were in Sister Beatrice’s time, nor even as they were when I first joined this convent less than two decades ago. In order to keep up with these changes and to insure that we remain relevant for future generations, we have decided on the unprecedented step of asking a series of experts to come before us and present their views on how transsexuals are viewed today and what is likely to be their course in the future.

As you were surely told, our rule forbids all but a few select sisters from meeting with persons from the outside. This is as the sisters wish, since many of them are rather ashamed of their looks and some are afraid of having their former male identities recognized. I am not the only person in this convent who was famous - or notorious - in her previous life. However, I have reinterpreted that rule to allow the members of our community to listen as a group to a lecturer from the outside, and to interact with the lecturer through a question-and-answer period after the talk. I am afraid that I cannot allow for individual face-to-face discussions between the lecturer and sisters of this house. I hope that, under these limitations, you would agree to be the first of our speakers.

Dr. Gold thought about this for a few moments. As a scientist, she was of course used to giving talks both before her professional peers and before more general groups. However, as a clinical psychologist her main interest was in conversations with individuals. For her, the limitations which Sister Mary-Hope imposed were very stringent indeed.

“Much as I find the idea of talking to your sisters fascinating, I am afraid I am going to have to decline,” she finally said. “I have always felt that the individual give-and-take after a lecture is - for me - the most important and rewarding part, the one which justifies the long hours preparing the talk. Without an opportunity for such give-and-take, why I might just as well send you a DVD with my talk recorded on it.”

“That is a shame,” said Sister Mary-Hope, “but I cannot bend the rule any further than I have already done.”

“Well,” said Dr. Gold, “I suppose it depends on the definition of the word `meet’. What if, instead of meeting sisters in person, you allowed them to contact me by e-mail or through a closed internet chat session. That way, I will not see them in person nor be able to guess their former identities. I see that you have a computer on your desk and I imagine that you are connected to the internet.”

“That is an interesting idea,” said Sister Mary-Hope. “I will need to consult with the other sisters, and see if it is agreeable with them.”

“Then I will await your decision,” said Dr. Gold, as she rose from her seat. “It has been very interesting to meet you, and I hope that some modus vivendi will be able to be worked out so that I can communicate with some of your sisters as well.”

Sister Mary-Hope rose too, and led her to the door, on the other side of which Sister Serena was waiting to escort her back to her car. As Dr. Gold drove away, she looked at the idyllic setting of the convent. It was a very interesting idea, but she somehow felt that it was a way of evading problems rather than confronting them. To her, transitioning meant living in society, not withdrawing from it. Still, she looked forward to hearing from Sister Mary-Hope again, and was sure that she would be back.