Gateway to Life
-:Book 1:-
Through Death, Rebirth
by Faeriemage

Sometimes, it is what you do that matters. Sometimes, it is who you are. Usually it is just being in the proper place at the proper moment in time with the will to act.

Chapter 6:
Can I come out now?

I walked into Mary₂'s office and stopped. It wasn't anything like the office I was used to. Most of the same items were there. It just seemed that something was different. Her Vincent van Gogh Sunflower print was on the left wall, instead of straight ahead. On the back wall, in place of the van Gogh, was a picture I had never seen before. It seemed to be a set of stairs running upwards forever. Or was it going down? There were people going both ways. It was on top of a castle, or something. I really liked it.

"Examining my Escher again?"

I turned around, startled. Mary₂ was standing just behind me. "You startled me."

"You haven't looked that intently at that print since the first time you came to see me."

I had no idea what to say. I opened my mouth a couple of times to speak, but nothing came out. In my own world, I considered Mary₁ to be a friend. What would it be like for her to find out I was dead? And what if someone who looked exactly like me came to tell her.

"What did you do to your hair, Jamie? Trying the short look?"

"I've never had long hair." I said before thinking, and then wanted to take it back. How could I be so thoughtlessly cruel.

Mary₂ seemed to crumple in on herself. 'Help her, Jams'

I felt Jams take control and go to hug Mary₂. "I'm not completely gone."

Mary had a confused look on her face. "Jamie?"

"Yes, Mary. It's me. I'm hitching a ride in this Jamie for the time being." I smirked at that. Of course, with Jams in control of my mouth for the time being, only she could really see it.

I saw Mary₂ genuinely smile. They sat and talked for a while, and seemed to have the same sort of relationship that Mary₁ and I did. At least some things didn't change. I did notice another thing that bothered me. She wasn't wearing a wedding ring. 'What happened to Frank?'

'Who's Frank?'

'Mary's husband,' I thought. Of course Frank was her husband. There should be at least that much similarity between worlds.

'Mary's not married.'

I felt really sorry for this Mary, and was glad she had a moment of happiness with her Jamie. Even though I hadn't started liking him until recently, I could always tell that Mary₁ had been deeply in love with her husband. I couldn't ever understand why, but I could see it there in how he treated her, and how she reacted to that treatment.

I knew that this Mary must feel a void in her life that nothing would ever fill.

I began to cry, and I just couldn't stop. Disembodied crying hurts inside a lot more than normal crying does. I knew that it wasn't only Mary₂ that I was crying for, but myself, and Jamie, and everyone else that had been hurt, or killed, in the past little while. I didn't realize what was happening enough to know that Jams had given me back the body before I felt myself collapse on the couch.

Mary sat down beside me and put her hand on my shoulder, and when I didn't seem to be letting up, she got up. I felt so alone in that moment. What would I do? I just couldn't stop, and started to feel something uncontrollable welling up inside of me. I was terrified I would never be able to stop. I began to wail a bit, and then I felt my Mother's arms around me. No, it was Jams' mother. My mother never loved me. I tried to pull away, but her arms held me tighter.

"Jamie Patrice, I know you aren't my flesh, but I am standing here as your mother. I have you, and you are safe."

I don't know how long I sat there, crying myself dry, and still unable to stop. I felt every strike that my father had ever given me. I felt Jams' death again. I felt the loss that Mary₂ would never know she had. Through it all I could hear my mother saying, "You're safe. You're mine. You're safe."

I had no more tears left to shed, and still I moaned my loss. Jamie should be alive. Not this weak, incapable person called Jim. Jamie had a life, and all I could do was almost let her murderer get away.

I felt Jams' arms go around me and I completely lost it. I began to babble out my hurts. I told them about every time my step-father struck me. I told them about Brian goading me into flipping the BMX. I told them about getting locked in the girls bathroom at the movies, and being stuffed in a trash can and rolled down the hill at school, and all of the other things that people had done to me. I told them about all the hurt I felt and the hurt I couldn't heal in others. I told them how much I loved Jamie, and that she should be the one that was alive.

I told them about trying to kill myself.

I have never had the courage to go through with it. I once bought a package of razors blades at the drug store. I even put one to the skin at my wrist. I couldn't push it hard enough to draw blood. I had tried with a kitchen knife once as well. I tried jumping off a bridge, and that was the closest I had gotten. Someone had pulled me from the edge, warning me that I could fall. I laughed at that. I think I sounded a bit crazy. I got out a bottle of my mom's sleeping pills once.

Mostly though, it was the ledge at the top of the school. The gym to be exact. Our Gym was four stories tall. I was small enough to slip through the gate at the bottom of the stairs. I used to go up there to get away from the bullies. One day I went over to the ledge at the edge of the roof. It was a little like a parapet. It was about a foot and a half wide, and flat on top. I would climb up there and watch people going back and forth between the gym and the rest of the school. No one ever looked up. I would sometimes imagine dropping right in front of this person or that one. You know, the people who seemed to torment me the most.

I would imagine them awakening screaming with the image of my death for the rest of their lives.

I was too afraid it would hurt, and so I would always climb down from the ledge, but it was always there, beckoning me to take that one final step.

Each day the time I spent on the ledge would grow longer. I had even started skipping my English class to be up there. I was taking creative writing this year.

We talked for about two hours after that. I think that Mary₂ canceled some of her other appointments to give that time to me.

After we finished talking I was drained completely, and felt like I wanted to go back to bed. I wanted to sleep until. . .I don't know how long. We drove home. I sat in the back seat, not taking part in the conversation. I had said everything that was in me, and just wanted to curl up under the blankets and let the world go away.

Gabe seemed a lot happier after his talk with Mary, and I wished that could be the case for me. I began to hear Jams talking to me, and I think I made appropriate conversation, but I'm not sure.

'No, you didn't. You made the mental equivalent of monosyllabic grunts, and basically ignored everyone around you.'

'Well, if you remember this part better, then you tell the story for a while.'

'Don't mind if I do.'

As my Sis said, we were driving home in the car, and she was completely out of it. Actually, I need to back up a bit.

I could only hold onto Jamie mentally. For the first time since I had died, I really felt lost. I couldn't be there for the one person in this world who I really cared about. I loved Jamie like a sister. She was my Sister me, which is why I started calling her Sis. It just fit. I couldn't let anyone else know I was still here and looking after her because she had tightened down the mental controls again and I was locked inside. Sometimes I can get a word in edgewise or essentially slip my hands onto the controls. A smile here, a look there. Right now, I only saw Jamie.

It wasn't complete darkness. A person's mind is a place of thoughts and ideas. I lived in that place now, and her emotions were like rooms used to be for me in the outside world.

Her current emotions were an amusement park's house of horrors. My take, not hers. I'm sure if she had been there she would have seen it as a dungeon in some castle. Same emotion.

It was hard to keep myself focused on her. I had to ignore all of the things she was saying, and ignore all the things created by what she refused even now to say. I really hate clowns, that's al I'm going to say on that.
It was timeless in there. I could feel the words resonate in her mind as she spoke them, but I had no idea what the responses from the others were. I just kept holding onto her, and then I began to whisper.

I don't remember everything that I said, but I know I told her I loved her and that I would be there to help her through this. It felt a lot longer than the two hours it was outside her mind. Sometimes I think that the mind works a lot faster than the world around us, and that if our mind were left to its own devices, we could pass the equivalent of years of thought in a matter of seconds.

Slowly, I began to be able to see and hear again. and I finally felt Jamie running down. But then she kept going down. I felt her slip into a depression.

I wanted to let my Mom and Mary know what was going on, but I couldn't get enough control to speak. Mary figured it out anyway.

"Helen, I think that you need to spend some time today alone with Jamie. When I spoke earlier with Gabe, he acted as though he wanted to just get on with his life. I think that his father being arrested acted as a sort of catharsis, especially since Jamie stood up for him. He really idolizes his sister right now, and will understand you taking some time to help her. I have a children's group therapy session this afternoon. I wanted Gabe to be there anyway, but that will give you some time to help Jamie as well."

"Ok, Mary. I want to talk it over with Gabe first, but I think I can do that. If Jamie is going to be wearing my daughter's clothing, I think we need to get her into the salon to do something with that hair." Mary smiled down at Jamie, but I almost felt like she was smiling down at me too.

We got in the car, and Jamie slipped into the back seat without comment. I still had no control, but I could still listed to what was going on.

"Honey, your sister and I need to take some time this afternoon together. She is really hurting inside and we need to try to make her better."

"It's not something Dad did, is it?"

"No, Honey. Her body is healthy, and Dad didn't do this. She's hurting emotionally. She hurts in her heart, and in her mind."

"Are there doctors that can fix her mind?"

"I wish that were the case, Sweetie. Right now all they can do is show someone how to heal themselves. We don't have the tools to heal someone's mind."

"Then I'm going to find the tools so I can be the first mind doctor who can actually heal people."

I smiled at that. Gabe was so earnest it made my heart melt. 'Sis?' I got no response.

Mom chuckled a bit. "I know you want to help, Sweetie, but for right now, people's minds have to heal themselves."
"I know. You need to spend some time with Jamie. I know I always feel better when you spend time with me. Mary wanted me to go talk and play with some other kids today, so if it's alright I can go and spend time there, while you spend time with Jamie."

"Ok, Gabe. You're my big boy, aren't you."

"Mom," Gabe said while rolling his eyes, "I'm almost ten. I'm practically a teenager."

We all chuckled at this, well, except for Jamie. She was still lost in her funk. I wondered for a moment if it was a blue or a pink funk. It's not that I didn't really think that she wanted to be a girl, well not for the moment anyway, but I wondered if that is who she really was. Her dreams always had her as a girl. Or at least the ones I saw did. Could I be missing something, or possibly influencing something.

I really hope not.

We got home and had lunch. Jamie ate mechanically, not even tasting the food. Sure, it's weird tasting someone else's food, but that's the only way I can any more. I felt a little resentful of her at that moment. How dare she be depressed because people picked on her in school. I was DEAD!!!.

I wanted to shout and scream. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to run and jump and sing. I wanted. . .

I wanted to still be alive, not some shadow of a piece of a memory in someone else's mind.

I hugged my nonexistent arms to my incorporeal body. What was left for me anymore. I know I said I didn't want to go away, but what sort of a life was this for me. I knew that Jamie was distracted, and she wouldn't miss me for a bit, so I looked for a way out.

I was going to die all the way and get myself out of this miserable half life.

'You did WHAT!?!?'

'Chill, Sis. I got better.'

Jamie chuckles at this, 'I think we might be breaking the fourth wall a bit to accurately have the conversation we are having and have it fit into the confines of the story.'

'I'm sure the audience doesn't mind, besides, it is necessary for the story. You interjected as a way of showing you had no idea I left, and I responded as a way to show it would all turn out alright in the end.'

'Doesn't that remove all the tension from the story?'

'Nah, it just makes the tension different. You don't worry if certain characters die, just how they get out of it alive.'

'Get back to the story, Sis. I'm interested to see what happens next.'

I looked around her mind, and found a glimmering portal I had never noticed before. I slipped through it, and I was back outside. I looked around there, and saw another portal. It looked like a doorway that had just opened for me.

I went through the door.

That should have been the end of my story. Everyone there told me that I had to allow it to end. Everyone except for one very old woman. She didn't look old. She looked like a teenager to me, maybe just a couple of years older. From the way other people treated her, however, I got the impression that everyone saw her as just a couple of years older than they were.

"What do you want from life, Jamie." Those were her first words to me.

I wish I could share our conversation. I know that she will be mistaken for many other people, but I know her for who she is.

I knew at the end of it that there was something further for me to do in this world. I felt a sense of hope. I began looking through the multitudes of people for my way out.

I couldn't see it. I knew I needed to get back to where I had been. I was in a vast field of people. They stood around in groups and talked. Some taught and some listened to that teaching. I listened to some of it, and it was all the same. Who needed to be taught about God and his plan after they were dead. Didn't they already know that there was a life after death? Wasn't that enough?

I wandered about until I found another group of people. The atmosphere here felt like a swamp. There were no trees or water, but decay permeated the air. The people here had a much more desperate air to them as well. It felt as though they were as trapped here as I was. I walked past this prison of souls, trying not to touch any of them.

I got to the other side after what felt like hours and finally found the door I was looking for. I began to look for Jamie. No one was home. I began to panic. Rushed around trying to think where they could be.

I paused for a moment and remembered that Gabe needed to be dropped off with Mary. One good thing about not having a body, distance seems to have no bearing. As soon as I thought about going to Mary's office, I was there. My Mom was just leaving the office, so I followed her back to the car, where a despondent Jamie sat looking out the window.

I slipped back inside, feeling safe for the first time since I left.

I felt a change in my surroundings since I had left. It almost felt painful to move as if Jamie's thoughts had become as sharp as crystal. I looked at these thoughts and didn't like where they were heading.

'You can't do this to us, Sis. There's a plan. At least I think there is. Most of my experience was already beginning to fade. I couldn't remember what the woman looked like anymore. I knew she wasn't God, and began to wonder who I'd actually been speaking to.

I had felt so peaceful there, but it wasn't my time yet.

It wasn't Jamie's time either.

'Sis. This isn't the answer. SIS!'

I pulled on everything I could and threatened and yelled my mind raw.

"Come on, Honey. I have a surprise for you."

Jamie allowed herself to be lead by Mom into the Mall. As we approached the salon, Jamie perked up a bit. . .

'I can take over from here, Jams.'

I had no idea why we were here, at the mall, and I was ready for it to be over. We walked past the huge food court and into the mall proper. We started to approach a salon that I had often wanted to go into, but had always been too afraid.

We walked into the salon. Mom had made appointments for both of us. I sat down in the chair.

"So, what can we do for you, Little Miss."

I'm not sure I liked her. "My name is Jamie."

"Ok, Jamie," she smiled a pretty smile at me. "How should we cut your hair?"

"I want it cute, but I am trying to grow it out. I don't know."

"Ok, Jamie. Leave it to me. I'll do something spectacular for you."

She played with my hair for about half an hour. I spaced. It was something I had dreamed about before, and I lived the experience. When she was done, and she let me look, I wasn't the little boy in girl's clothing anymore. I had no makeup on, since it had run and Jams wasn't talking to me, and I didn't feel like trying to fix it on my own. I was fresh faced, and it was a girl who looked back at me from the mirror. I grinned at myself.

"I take it you like it?"

"Oh, yes. I love it. Thank you sooo much."

"You're welcome Jamie. We have more to do for you today. Your Mom ordered the full treatment."

We went toward the side window of the store. I sat down and they started to work on my nails. It hurt a little at times, but it was really fun as well. I noticed a rack of earrings. I saw some that I would have really liked to have. I was disappointed though because I didn't have pierced ears.

The woman, I'm sorry now I didn't get her name when we started, picked up on my emotion.

"Would you like to get your ears pierced, Jamie?"

"I don't know if it would be alright with my Mom."

"Let me go ask."

I knew that she was probably just trying to help sales in the store, but she was being really nice to me. I felt a momentary thrill of hope, that I tried to squash. Jams' Mom had already spent so much money on me for even this much.

"Your Mom says it's alright. Want to pick out a pair of studs to start you out with?"

I looked at the rack of starter studs and saw a pair that I had to have. One was a lock in the shape of a heart. The other was a key with a heart shaped handle.

I picked out a nail polish color. It was called plum passion or something silly like that, but I liked the purpleish pink hue.

After my nails dried, we went to go find my mother, who was still having her hair styled. I think she must have had her hair washed as well, because it was still really wet looking. She had beautiful long think hair.

'I hope that mine will look like that when it's longer.'

'Mine did, Sis, but it was a lighter color. Yours is closer in color to mine.'

Mom got finished and went up to pay for both of us. "Mom, I think that we should give a tip."

"Did you really like Tracy, then?" That was her name.

"Yes, Tracy really helped me a lot."

"Ok, we can give Tracy a tip."

I'm not sure how much she gave, exactly, but Tracy was really happy and gave us her card with her hours on it. "Come back anytime, Ladies."

I felt a glow inside at her words.

We went back to Mary's office to pick up Gabe, and then Mom took us out for pizza. I don't know how people can not like this stuff. Pizza is fun to eat, and it is a perfect meal to itself. Sure, the bread is all crust, but that is part of the fun too. The toppings and sauce melt together into a blend of conflicting flavors that just increase the overall taste. Peppers and cheese and sausage and pepperoni and olives and bell peppers. Each one distinct on its own, and a part of the greater whole.

Ok, I really like pizza.

I even let Jams participate and take over some. I was feeling really good about myself. There was just something nagging me at the back of my mind. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seemed that everything was just going too well for the moment.