Cat’s in the Cradle

No it’s not a typo in the title. My name is Cat, or it’s what everyone calls me. It used to be Charlie. I used to be Charlie and Charlie was to me like living as a space alien. See Charlie was a boy and to me, ever since I remember I was so not a boy. I was a girl and I was trapped.

I live in a single parent household. My Dad was gone and mom never ever mentioned him. She tried and there was a lot of love in our apartment. But I’ll say this Mom was the saddest loneliest person I knew. She tried to be cheerful as she could…But there were certain days of the year she’d be so hurt she’d be like a zombie. Usually on the holidays.

Mom was a good cook and an artist; she was an incredible and soulful painter and taught me too. Like she taught me piano, well keyboard and how to play guitar a little.

My home life was good but school was hell. I never felt right, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I had a few friends and stuff and up to now I had never told anyone how I felt. I think I might though because of what happened today.

Michelle Hart on of the most good looking and popular girls in 8th grade showed up today flat chested…The teacher called her Mike during attendance. By lunch it had gotten out. Actually she came out….Mike was a trans-boy. There was a few people that gave her shit…sorry were giving him shit about it at lunch. Mostly the idiot redneck crowd, a lot of the girls were giving him freaked out attitudes. I mean I can see where some of them are coming from. Was she a dyke? And she had her boobs cut off. I think that freaked them the most. Michelle had great tits uhm boobs; I wished and prayed to have boobs like hers. I mean she was a c-cup in 7th grade. Even I kind of had that urge to clutch my chest at the thought of getting them chopped off. I mean I really wouldn’t have been anything but happy if I had my thing cut off, so I kind of got it at the same time. It’s hell to live feeling deformed. There were asshole guys who said she was just dick jealous. Most of the kids were good about it. I mean it is 2010 right?

But the ones that wouldn’t let up just pissed me off with their comments and I got up and carried my food over to Mike’s table from my usual place out in the edges of no man’s land where no one tends to notice the kids there. I look at some of the one’s who won’t shut up.

“You guys are really fucking stupid you know that? Do you know how many of us are different and just too chicken to actually be who we’re supposed to be? How many people here are gay or lesbian or cross-dress or are like Mike and are transgendered? Do you guys know what this is like to know you are in the wrong body and that everything you’re living is wrong? I do…I’m…I’m a girl.”

I set my tray down with Mike and blushed. He reached over and offered his hand “Michael Hart and you are miss?” I shook his hand like I’ve always wanted to; you know not thinking about grip and guy stuff for the first time in my life. “I’m Catherine, Catherine Porter, I’d prefer Cat though.”

Lunch is over and both Mike and I are met by the guidance councilor and the principle as well as a couple of teachers. They escort us to the office. We’re told to sit in the chairs in the waiting rooms. Mike looks at me. “I’m sorry I got you into trouble Cat.”
“It’s okay; it’s weird because I kind of feel better now that it’s out in the open.”
“Still though I mean you got in trouble because you outed yourself standing up for me.”
“Yeah that’s weird; usually it’s the guy standing up for the girl.”
“…Yeah.” He smiles and it’s a nice smile, not really one you’d see on a girl either.”

Our parents show up and get taken into the office. It’s got me and Mike freaked out because they are in the principals office for hours. There are guys who look like they’re from the school board that arrived and what looked like lawyers. Any someone who said she was from family services….

School actually gets out before our parents do. Mike’s parents look tired and his mom looks…hurt, hurt that her baby girls is becoming someone else. My mom has the strangest expression on her face. “Come on let go…Cat..”
“My Mom called me by real name…”
“Okay Mom.”

We drive through town for awhile and she’s really quiet even for her.
“I’m sorry Mom.”
“Is it true?”
“Wha…uhm, yeah.”
“Yes Cat, not yeah.”
“Okay sorry, I mean yes.”
“No, I mean it this is really important.”
“Being who I really am is important.”
“I see.”
“Mom…?”
“Yes sweetie?”
“I’m sorry..”
“Don’t.”
“But…”
“No Catherine, if this is who you really are then don’t ever be sorry. What you did was really brave coming out like that, sticking up for your friend. I’m proud of you.”
“You’re proud of me.”
“Yes, I’m proud of my little girl.”
“You’re …proud of your little girl…”
Yes, you did this and handled this a lot better then when I was able to when I transitioned.”

My world just stopped this has a huge bomb shell/ I look at her and stare and stare. I can kind of see it…she, there in there’s something there, something I recognize from some of the old picture that were on the mantel.

She used to be my father? She’s got tears in her eyes. “Mom?”
She nods.
“I was married to your mother and she died after you were born. I was still going through just figuring out that I was transgendered. After she died I started cross-dressing in her old things. God I missed her so much, she knew and I loved her with all my heat. I started to wear her things to be closer to her. My family had long deserted me then and so did hers for daring to love someone like me. Even then I wasn’t sure not until you called me mum.”
“Wow.”

There’s a really sad song that reminds me of back when this happened. I know it’s sad, I know it’s supposed to be, but there’s lines in it that reminds me of when my life changed forever and for the better.

“Oh I wanna be like you dad, you know I wanna be like her…”