Little Pink Pills

Part Twenty-Nine, by Michelle Wilder

Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown

I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I'll keep holding on
I'll keep holding on

(Holding Back the Years, by Mick Hucknall)

(Revised and reposted)

----

Val made me use the makeup remover stuff twice, after I still had mascara on.

In bed, she whispered that I looked really pretty in her dress, better than she did. I whispered that she just wore it when she was nervous was all. And she'd looked beautiful in it. And nervous.

-

"Last night? About taking hormones?"

"I thought you were asleep."

"I almost was...."

"We have to talk to Carol and Mom and Dad first, before anything..."

"I know. And Carson."

"Yeah."

-

"Hormones do more than just the way you look, you know..."

"Yeah, I know..."

-

"Thanks."

"Whafo?"

"Frr asking..."

"S'okay...."

----

Carson and Jerri and Heather came over for coffee before school and they all freaked over Val's nightie, as if they'd never seen one. Val and Mom thought they were hilarious.

-

They had to hurry, after they sat around too long, but Carson dipped me a bit like before, like her movie kiss. Her smile was so big she almost couldn't, but it was almost better, too.

----

The torturer in physio said I had to see my doctor to make sure all the stitches were coming out because I was almost totally healed up and they'd be a hurt to remove later.

Then ~she~ hurt me. Range of motion hurt. Massage hurt. Weight machine hurt.

She said the not being able to put weight on it like happened was completely normal and everyone did it. Or had it, or whatever. She said it was conditioning.

And she said the ortho doctor said I ~could~ start to put weight on it, too, starting today.

-

Walking without crutches, even a step, even with the hand rails: ~OWW~! It was like ~fire~!!

I even cried. Mom cried too, but she said it was 'cause she was so happy.

She said she was sad I was in pain, too, of course, but she was still happier.

----

I took longer than usual getting cleaned up, after, 'cause I wanted to look nice for Paul, if he was in. Mom helped me re-fix my eyes, too. We still were there only an hour 'cause I was exhausted earlier.

-

He ~was~ in and I showed how I could stand without crutches and even took almost a step, too, even if it ~still~ hurt!

He looked like Mom had, though he didn't cry.

-

"You look pretty, you know." He smiled a funny way. "I bet Carson likes it."

I pulled at my sleeve and he swatted my hand the same way Val did. Like leave it alone, it was fine the way it was and I'd stretch it.

"She does, but she's trying makeup now, too and she looks even ~more~ beautiful, and she said she's gonna start looking for some clothes... that... that look good for her...."

I still fiddled with the sleeve, but I was thinking about clothes, so it seemed like I needed to. It was a lot to think about, and even talking to Val about hormones was part of it, really. Maybe talking to Paul about them would be-

He was looking at me when I looked. Not bad, but thinking hard. He changed when he saw me looking.

"You're getting better, so fast."

I couldn't figure out what he meant, my depression or what, but he kept talking, and squeezed my hand in both of his.

"Well, look at you!" He shook my whole arm a tiny shake. "You look the young lady, so different than just a few weeks ago, and so happy!" He looked like he was proud or something.

I ducked and fiddled with a button. Val's sweater had tons of buttons, so it was easy....

"I almost didn't recognize you when you came in... so nicely dressed, and now you're almost ~walking~ too!"

I had to look up. He was smiling. "I just knew you were one of the special ones, that morning."

I ruined my makeup again and tried to tell him how he was the special one, and everything....

-

He made me promise to talk to Carol and Mom and Dad.

----

Carol liked Val's sweater, too. She also went kinda silly over Strawberry, but she ~is~ totally cute, so I understood that.

"I have to say, I'm amazed." She smiled, like it was good amazed. "You look so poised... and very passable."

I knew what that meant, from Carson's websites, and I guess I knew I could, too, but not really then. Mom just put on a tiny bit of makeup after I'd cried it off a second time, and my hair... But I still thanked her.

"You don't believe me?" She lifted her brows all serious and I laughed a bit.

"No, thank you. I mean, thanks for the compliment, but my sister... and Brenda, they made me over on the weekend, and last night, and I know they, that I can pass, but I just have on, like not enough... ."

"You look fine. Now, tell me all about it."

She said it like 'I know what we're gonna talk about the rest of the two hours.' I asked about hormones after the first half hour, though, and we talked a ~lot~ longer about that!

----

There were twelve messages on the machine. The first three were from Brenda and Carson and Jerri, all of them saying to call back at lunch break and it was important.

The phone rang just as I finished playing Jerri's message.

"Hello?"

"Stay out of school, you fucking fairy!"

Then he hung up.

I hung up.

"What's wrong?" Mom was in the doorway to the kitchen, staring at me.

The phone rang again. I jumped and knocked it off... the hand thing, off the... it fell off on the table and I slapped at it and then kinda jumped again, or fell back, and my leg made a stab of pain. Mom ran over.

"What's wrong? Who was that?" She looked like she was going to answer the phone, or pick it up or... it didn't matter. I sort of hit the base onto the floor and stared at it and started to cry.

----

"... ello! Hello? Is anybody there?"

After a few minutes, or seconds or whatever, Mom picked up the phone and sorta said bye, but the voice talked so loud I could hear it too.

"- Carruthers! Please wait-"

Mom put it to her ear. I could hear buzzing for a second, but then it got quiet. I was so scared she'd hear something, but she looked at me and nodded.

"Mr. Carruthers, I'm sorry, but we've-"

She stopped, whatever he said, and then, "Wait, just a minute, okay? Thank you. Yes."

She put the phone down and led me over to the couch. After we both sat down, she kept hugging and talked to me quietly.

"It's about the phone call you just had, I think, and I think it's important that I hear what he has to say?" She hugged me over like she was gonna kiss my hair or something and then looked instead.

"Can you wait a second? I'll be right back, I'm just going to get the phone, okay?"

----

When Mom hung up, I was better. Or not shaking scared, anyway. And I already knew what Brenda and Carson and Jerri wanted to talk about.

It was all over school that someone, probably Neil Keeler, saw me and Carson at her house in Val's dress, and knew it was me for sure from my cast. And Carson was going home with her dad 'cause someone had tried to start a fight with her sometime right after third period.

The phone rang again.

Mom picked it up and listened and hung up right away again and then called Dad and left a message about what was going on and that she'd call again.

----

The phone kept ringing and Mom finally just unplugged it, but she made a joke about idiots and caller display, too, and it was weird enough that I actually laughed, but it was true. I also suggested she needed a cell phone, like I always did, and she actually agreed. She smiled, too.

It was weird enough that I felt good. And we remembered to look at ~my~ phone and it had twelve messages and ten texts and an almost-dead battery. I plugged it in and just left it without checking any of them.

We drove over to Carson's. And a store for phones.

----

~Two~ new cheap cell phones and a pile of plastic and cardboard and tiny instructions later, we pulled up to Carson's house and she ran out and had about five different expressions just from her doorway to the car. Before I could even begin to get out, she reached down to hug me and clunked her head on the roof so hard the car moved.

"Are you alright?!" I couldn't reach the bump fast enough.

"Ow!! Yes! Ow, that hurt! Are you okay? Did you get my messages?" She kissed behind my ear and talked there, fast. And rubbed her head.

"Nobody's bothered you, have they? Or called or have you heard anything? It's all over school that you were dressed up yesterday and some of the assho- the guys, from the team and, some, anyway, there's s- stuff about you- us- all about being gay and Kevin shoved me and said-" Carson stopped.

Mr. Donner was there.

He put his hand on her back or something, but he was leaned over when I looked to see, and he looked worried and all, too, but more like the regular kind, like it was cold? And he said we should get inside?

----

"... so the school called and I drove over and followed Carson home and that's about where we are. I just had a short word with Carruthers and a Mrs. O'Connor and they were sure it was the boy who started it. They promised they'd call whenever they knew more. Are you okay, honey?" He looked at us from talking to Mom.

I didn't know who he was asking, but Carson and I both nodded or something and he looked okay.

"You're not in trouble for the... thing in the school, with the, Neil, was it?" Mom switched to us, too, and touched Carson's arm.

"No, I don't think so. Neil spread it around, it was Kevin. I mean, Mrs. J was there and saw it, or most of it, I think, and Cheryl saw it all, and a bunch of other kids too, I guess, but it was all him, I just backed off, and he was yelling...." She sounded really calm, like she was sure, and I knew a shove was nothing to her.

But that was football. I turned so I could see her.

"He didn't say anything too bad, did he? Or anyone?" I knew he did, but not what she thought. It was all what we'd talked about, almost the worst, but she smiled and kissed my lips a second and smiled.

"No, but he was talking about you, though, and I almost hit him." She kissed me for two seconds, harder, like she was okay-okay. "Nobody trash-talks ~my~ girl."

Her grin was so... so ~sure~, maybe, or like everything was the way it was supposed to be. Like Neil seeing me was normal, like it was nothing, like everyone in school talking and knowing and like the calls... and we hadn't told her about the calls, but I didn't think it mattered.

----

At noon, or a second after, Mom called Brenda on the Donners' home phone and Carson and I called Jerri on Carson's cell. Mr. Donner sat near Mom and mostly just listened to us.

Jerri answered and said she needed a minute. Carse told me and we waited and after a minute Jerri came back on. She was almost crying over something but said she was okay and just needed to get out of the halls.

Brenda was with Jason and Cheryl and after we got Jerri again they said they'd go find her and she said she was in the counseling office and they kept on the phone while they walked and they all talked to all of us through Mom and Carson.

They said it'd been like five-minute dramas every break and even in some classes, and some of the kids were already mostly past it but there were a bunch that were still on, and some were mad and even violent, like with Carson. Jason said there were a half-dozen from the team that were talking about beating me up because I'd been, according to them, staring at them in the locker rooms and stuff, and so I deserved it, the way their primitive, reptilian brains worked, he said.

Jerri said that every freshman in the school was giggling or making up stories or being quiet or asking her and Kerrie Donaldson - who said she was a lesbian because she crushed on Pink - what it meant when a boy wore a dress and she'd been telling them it might mean the boy wasn't a boy and they were wrong. And Kerrie'd been telling them, as far as she could tell, that it meant the boy was gay and doing drag, like in the movies, or that he was transsexual. Jerri sounded a lot better after talking a couple of minutes.

The others got to her at the counselors' office and it kept on being a four-phone conversation, but it made more sense, too.

They all said Mr. Carruthers was half-freaked by first period, and then especially after the Carson and Kevin thing he thought that someone was going to really get hurt, they said, but we told them we'd talked to him and they only knew from the way he was way earlier, and Carson said he'd taken her out of class anyway, but Carruthers seemed okay, and Jerri said a couple of her "friends" were back on her again, but her best one was totally on her side, which was weird after just last weekend, but she was okay, really. Mr. Donner took the phone for a minute and talked to her and Jerri said she was fine, just a little freaked by all the attention and she wanted to stay.

They all said that Carson going home was a good idea, because the idiots from the team were gonna get in a fight with ~someone~ before the day was over and Jason even said he was staying quiet around them, which was hard, since they were ~soooo~ easy!

Mr. Merman came then, to the office where they were, and asked how Carson and I were, and then them, and I think it was all normal. Like the big meeting normal, but not a crisis or anything, anymore?

----

Carson liked my sweater and top, and I knew she would, but it seemed like I maybe shouldn't have asked Val to help me, after all the stuff going on.

"What? Are you gonna let ~Neil~ decide how you dress? He wears the same sweats all week!" It was true, or almost. He stunk most of the time and when he showered after practices, sometimes he even put the same dirty clothes back on. Like, eww!

"No, but what if they come around again, like Neil did, or to see you or me, and they see.... Won't it make it worse?"

She kissed my cheek, right under my eye, and it felt good, even better than lower.

"No. It won't make it worse, and it's not like we're gonna try to pretend we're ~not~ transgendered, are we?" She sat back a few inches too far and looked at me. I looked too, at her, and she ~was~ worried, but just like always, so I smiled.

"No, I guess not. But it's... it's like it's...."

I didn't know what to say. That it was gonna be too scary, I guess, when I couldn't be with her. And what would I say to Neil, or Kevin, or even Mr. Carruthers? Or what was I supposed to do, different... than in pants, or boy's stuff, anyway? I was still ~in~ pants.... Right then, anyway.

"Scary?"

"Yeah...."

She kissed me again, and it wasn't, really.

Besides, skirts were easier with my leg, except for going to the bathroom.

And since I'd thought that, I had to go.

----

Mom tried again and got Dad and gave him the new cell numbers (they were plugged in and charging... so all three of them) and told him all the stuff that had happened and that we were okay, and then I talked to him.

Mostly he wanted to hear I was okay. I said I was and I loved him. He said he did too, and he'd see me when he got home and don't do anything he wouldn't do. And so I said he wouldn't wear a pretty dress, and he said, anything else, and don't be funny.... So I said mascara? and he laughed.

We called Val and she didn't answer but Mom left a message that she shouldn't answer the phone at home or listen to the messages and why, and everyone was fine.

-

Val called Carson's phone back about two seconds later, all panicked because all she'd heard the message after digging her phone out of her pack right away and only listened up to "don't answer the phone...."

----

We ate a sandwiches and pickles lunch around two o'clock, but a sit-down meal around the Donners' kitchen table.

"The gossip and talk in school is one thing, but harrassing phone calls and that boy trying to start a fight are quite another...."

Mr. Donner sounded like it was a business meeting. He looked at me when he said about the phone calls, so I knew he meant the bad one. And what Mom heard.

"I really don't want you going back there until it's safer, not for another week at least." He switched to Mom before Carson could say anything, like I felt her start. He kept on, like it was even more important.

"I understand that it's your decision, but I don't believe it's at all safe there right now for her, even with the staff on board and their friends' support. It's too fast after such an attack, too soon, and too volatile a situation." He looked at me again.

"And I know you want to return, but this Kevin boy, or Neil, if either pushed you the way Carson was pushed this morning, you could have been seriously injured."

I remembered Carson said he'd wanted her to be in another school when I was in the hospital, when she told them first, so I didn't know what to say to that, to the way he said it, so I didn't make it worse.

Mom scraped her chair.

"Richard... I..."

She looked at me, and Carson, I guess. "What do you two want to do?"

I already knew, but I looked at Carse. She was looking back, and smiled. And kissed me yes.

----

Carson came over to our house with us when Mom said we had to go and see Dad and Valerie.

----

I thought Dad would want me to stay away from school like Mr. Donner, but he was more like he always was, and mostly just held me tight until he felt better, or I did. He didn't even suggest we change anything that we'd planned.

Val mostly talked to Mom and Carson in the kitchen while I sat with Dad.

----

"You two are disgusting."

"Jealous." I mumbled, but it was too funny not to say. Carson laughed in my mouth. Brenda laughed too.

"Just 'cause I'm jealous ~doesn't~ make me any less right, or a lesbian, or you two any more likely to stop, does it?"

Carson looked up, kinda fake-thinking about it, and then kissed me again and mumbled no and I almost spazzed out of her arms I laughed so hard, but she kept me for the joke.

"Then I'll just keep being jealous, okay? Don't bother to answer, I know what it is...." She went through to the kitchen with Jerri and the rest and Carson tickled me a little to keep me laughing.

-

Oh, yeah. Jerri and Jason and Brenda came over after school.

----

"You're both insane. You all are."

Val wasn't trying to be funny, either.

"You... they could ~hurt~ you! They- this Neil, or that Kelvin guy, and the ones talking... they could beat you up or break your leg again or worse! Worse than that! It's happened before, I don't want... wh-" She hugged me so hard it hurt.

"P-please don't?"

I'd thought she was mad.

"It's not like those, those stories... them, they're not about real people or like real life, they... they're ~fantasies~... like wishes and dreams and nothing like what its really like? Really? Real life... it's like... the, the bullies aren't just pushing kids around... they... they ~hurt~ people... for real...."

She started to cry, more, and pulled me almost over, and kept moving her arms, like feeling all of me.

"Please, don't..."

----

"Even if it was bad, it'd still be okay, Daddy, really." I had to wipe my nose and he let me, but I hugged back into him right away.

"I thought about it, really."

He looked down more. I could feel his breath.

"It's what we planned, almost, too, about Brenda, and then people talking. It's what they were saying after yesterday, a-a-ab-bout Carson-n-n-n."

It was still hard. He let me, a long time.

"If they... hurt..." I still couldn't say break, "my leg...."

-

"It'd still be okay, I mean, better than Carson being like she was, like what she was before, like..."

"She was gonna die...."

----

"You're the same as Carson, too. You know that, don't you, honey?" Mom didn't hardly move, and the words were kinda not what they were.

"In the hospital, those days, you were...' She moved a bit.

"Your daddy and I, were... we were so afraid we'd lose you then, after all the pain you went through with your leg, it seemed so terrible that it was...." She coughed.

"That it wasn't your leg...."

She breathed really fast and I held on.

"And... this...."

----

Val and Carson and the others had come back in, and then Carson and the girls went back into the kitchen to make a snack, when there was a slow tapping noise at the door and front window and then a kind of thump, like someone was knocking on the garage door.

Then there was a loud bang and crash that made me jump.

Dad and Jason went out the front door to check what it was.

Everyone came rushing back to see what and we all went out to look and there was a mess all over the front siding and doorway and the big window was half broken... the outside pane. There was a pile of glass in the garden and a huge piece hanging.

Dad was ~mad~. He said the house had been egged. The outside pane of the living room window was broken too, and he said that wasn't any egg....

We all had just started understanding when there was this loud cheering or yelling from across the street.

Gary Bettman and two other guys I couldn't see clearly enough were in a car yelling and laughing and pointing at us and then Gary started the car and peeled out and screamed "Fucking faggots!" And they all laughed and the two I couldn't tell stared out the back windows as they went around the corner.

I thought I was going to fall down. My good leg was shaking.

----

Dad got out the hose from the basement while Mom plugged the phone in again and called the police. Jason and Brenda went out to help Dad.

Val and Jerri and Carson sat with me on the couch, all of us tight together.

The police told Mom they'd make a file or something, but there was probably nothing they could do, really, even with the window and the car. She said she'd call them back if anything else happened. I'd told her who I knew was in the car, Gary anyway, and Brenda recognized him, too, and she told them that. They said that just them being there and the egging was "suspicious, but unprovable in court," Mom said.

-

Lots of other stuff... was said, I guess, but that's what happened, then, outside, and right after.

Them talking in the dark outside. The noise of glass in a garbage can. They were out there a long time.

And the sound of the water on the house was almost scarier than anything else.

Everyone seemed different. I guess it made sense, but it was scary too, that nobody was saying it. The water was like a roar.

----

"If they threw eggs at people, do you think they'd hurt, or just be messy?"

Mom looked really mad, or scared for a second. I could feel Val and Carson stiffen up, too.

I had to look at the floor. But I had to say it too, all the stuff.

"I mean, they'd be hard to clean up, anyway... and probably sting, but I bet that's all, and a... my clothes... and hair, would be dirty.... Maybe that's why, what it's for? Just to be a mess?" I looked at Val, at her arm and hand where I was holding it and how my hands were still kinda cold. And at her face, and she was almost crying again. I tried to look brave.

"It's what we talked about, about school, before.... It's the same thing, isn't it?" I tried to make her see, for Mom to see. For Carson.

"It's just like the jokes, or like... like if someone hit me, or Carson...." I had to blink hard and lean back on her more.

Val had tears and swallowed hard. And nodded. I knew she thought they would. I knew she was afraid from the phone calls, too. That they weren't just jokes or insults. Just.

Jerri made a sad smile behind Val. She understood.

I tried to make Mom hear what I meant, too.

"If they did, if they hit me... or Carson...." I had to swallow. I leaned back in her arms and she leaned down and I knew she already knew.

"If they do... I'll... you'll... you... you can come and kiss me, make it okay, make it like it was just an... egg..."

I knew that didn't make sense, and I looked up.

"Mom?"

She didn't nod or anything, but she was listening.

-

"Mom?" I had to stop there, then. And it wasn't the right thing.... The right time.

Val hugged me around, hard and tight, and I could still hear her crying.

----

Dad left the hose out, on the back porch, I guess. Brenda and Jason came in the front and he came in the back, anyways. His hands were cold. He was cool all over.

I hoped my sweater warmed him up where it touched.

----

Carson's parents came over.

----

"Your mom called the police again and her and my dad told them all the stuff about the eggs and window and Gary again, and... about us... and school.... That it was connected...." She almost sighed, or something.

I thought it was good. Or maybe not awful, anyway.

"Dad wants us to at least stay outta school, again, for a while, and I kinda argued it was, was better than... what... like you said...."

She sounded slow, talked slow, like those were the wrong words. She sounded worse than the old her. Then she did a shoulder thing and pulled the blanket up more.

Jason commented, "If your dads don't solve it, Val and Jerri and Brenda are all sharpening knives."

----

"Do you still think...."

"What?"

"About what they were saying, about what we were... doing? Is it right, I mean, the right thing?"

Carson breathed a long time. It was nice being alone with her for a minute. She seemed a ton more relaxed.

"Yeah."

"Me too." I kissed her. "I love you more than anything."

----

When everyone had to go home we kissed more, goodbye. Carson and me. Brenda and Jason gave me kisses on the cheek, too, even if Jason winked after. He kissed Carson, too, the same, so I figured he just had to wink to be him.

Carson's mom and Jerri almost squeezed the breath out of me.

-

Dad and Carson's dad and Jason went out first, before everybody, to warm up the cars and check that it was safe.

It was almost scarier that they did that. Scarier than before.

Like the stuff we had to do was worse than what happened in the first place.

----

End of Part 29