This is my first ever fetish story it is fictitious, and features smoking fetish and transgender content in a gentle way.

Hi I am Gillian, I have been smoking for ten years and wanted to share how I became a smoker and a woman. I grew up as a boy with my Mother (my Father left a few years after I was born and I cannot remember him much) My life was normal growing up with a heavy smoking mother and I progressed through school as a non-smoker and University too, till I was 25. I had never had a regular girl friend they all tended to end up as friends, that sort of thing, a gentle never pushy type really, and I was slight to say the least as a guy, in fact, I was bullied at the local school for always being slightly effeminate and in truth I used to regularly crossdress, yes I was a transvestite but had never thought of becoming a woman. I was a regular attendee at the local gym had a very slender female UK size 8 or on occasion size 10 figure always eat well, and looked after myself quite well in a rather different manner to my mother who used smoking rather than exercise to stay in shape. My mother was a size 12 but looked best in a glorious 14 and always dressed immaculately well due to owning and running a fashion shop. her style being longer lenght pastel jacket, skirt suits with matching tops in again a flattering same shade or white.
It had been a constant discussion and bone of contention with me to try to persuade her to quit and it was after one such long heated debate that it all really began in earnest. I have always hated her smoking, and had tried on so many occasions to dissuade her with all the usual tricks and pleads but each time it fell on deaf ears, my mother was a strong person, strong willed, and she told me unless I tried it don't knock it as once you start you would never wish to stop! I was not convinced and do admit I did have one or two due to peer pressure in my early teens with the as it was just the usual peer pressure thing, I quickly decided that I loathed it even more as I hated it the taste and feel. Urgh!!!

So, it was one evening when I was in a particularly foul mood, that I lashed out, she had one of her friends over and they were smoking as usual in the lounge and I was studying for an exam at night-school as we were working together in a small clothes shop she has in our local town, so I had a hissy fit, and gave them the usual abuse about passive smoking and lack of respect and understanding.
They were a little annoyed and in truth so was I, as it was out of character for me to be quite so obnoxious. After her friend left, my mother came back in and sat me down, I got a lecture about manners and well, she talked through a deal with me.
Before you can criticise and tell me to quit for good you should really experience being in my shoes as I love being a smoker and always have since my mother started me when I was 17. If you agree to start smoking with me for a period of say six months to a year, let me be a role model for diet clothes and physique, match me cigarette for cigarette in that period, then choose to, I will absolutely quit! the words were a bit of a shock, I was no innocent child here, I knew smoking was very addictive as did my mother, but, in a fit of desire to make her quit, I agreed, then immediately panicked! She then made my world totally collapse by revealing she knew that I had been dressing in some of her clothes and had known for quite some time, especially since I moved back home a couple of years after University finished. I was mortified, frozen in the spot, I always believed it was so well hidden that she would never know. She did, she knew where my stash was hidden even though it was incredibly well done! and she knew I had several wigs make-up and underwear including pantyhose or tights as we call them.
We talked for hours and she said that if I agree, why not be more open with my love of cross dressing also, and let her dress me and style me, I was asked or more, cross examined about being a transvestite almost every aspect, about what I was feeling inside and was I attracted to men,, NO!!! Mother! for goodness sake too much information here,,,I already had a longish, hair style she reckoned could be cut and styled initially plus she had a friend that sold natural hair wigs with a lace cap, that could easily pass for real hair were I to go with her plans.
It was all too much for me, I broke down I felt I was such a let down to her not being the man I thought she saw me as. But, no. She was insistant . Her plans were setting up to create a daughter, or for now my "cousin" to swap homes so to speak, I wasn't going anywhere but it suited the need for my dissapearance for this "short time"

She said OK, I will first make a few arrangements in advance of the deal, then we will discuss this further. I was in a flat spin, what had I got into or what would I get in to? I was equally strong willed and I thought I would easily get through this and make my Mum stop forever. But, I was also equally excited about the prospect of being able to wear and experience real womens wear, as I also earned money part time in the shop, I guess where she saw my attraction to the clothing from?

Nothing was said for a day or so then one afternoon when we finished work one of her friends met up with us and we had a light meal and travelled home together for the evening, nothing unusual in this but, when we arrived, her friend and mum started to talk about the conversation over my starting, I was sat down, and they explained about the deal, I had to change my wardrobe completely to female, then shave fully wear a gorgeous gel filled bra set she gave me and, learn to smoke! match my mother every day for six months, then choose, was that OK? I protested that I hated it the taste, the smell the feel, but they said I should relax, and listen to her friend very carefully.

This is where I can only suspect matters, as her friend produced a small spiral flat disc with lines converging to the central spot and placed it on the table, it looked like a regular ornament and I was instructed to watch till I saw the outer ring spin. I was told it was to relax me and I was to stare at the centre of the disc and relax, relax,,,,reeelllaaaxxxxx

I suspect I was hypnotised by my mum's friend but neither will admit to this, however I was aware that after I noticed time it was a good hour after I had last looked, but it felt like seconds in truth.

At the point I became aware of my surroundings again, my mother told me to go shower shave my face properly (not hard I had never had a massive growth) my legs genital area and armpits, chest, and then put on the outfit laid out on her bed, then she would assist me in putting on make up, my first real experience of what it would look like, brush my teeth, and use the strong mouthwash for a good long swish in my mouth, it would make things "easier" I was in a bullish mood and did so, Once I had completed the exercise I was in a lovely 3/4 length A-line skirt and soft peach blouse, had sheer hose over my now silk panties, that hid a gaff, a camisole over my very real feeling bra inside which were soft silicone gel packs, and I wore full make up, like an Air-hostess! Once I was dressed and made-up, I stood looking at the person before me in the mirror, The fact I was used to dressing didn't detract from an inner warth that flooded me I felt so much more "real" I had worn clothes before but tonight it felt that I became more than a guy in a dress I felt absolute joy over my fear and embarrassment, total utter joy, it was sinfully wonderfully incredible. I mean I was used to checking myself out but this time the padding and tucking were just so much more real, the bra was exquisite and fitted me like it held my real breast tissue and forced them up to become the top of my new cleavage in an incredile and lifelike way they jiggled and bounced subtley as I moved it felt very weird and very surreal. After what felt like an eternity I returned to the lounge mouth tingling from the strong mouthwash, she then sat me down commented as did her friend on how totally natural I looked and the way I had moved when walking and sitting, my deportment was almost that of a genetic girl, then I knew it was coming and I was curious and scared as she offered me one of her cigarette's and I was given a light the taste was masked very well, but wasn't nearly as horrid as I was anticipating it was almost a relief to finally be smoking? strangely, it felt so natural and so fitting to my looks, though I wasn't inhaling right away, and "wanted to" something inside me had flicked a switch, for some reason, my mother coached me and after a couple more smaller puff's she said to try a very small inhale, I felt a tingle of excitement at this and, like sipping from a straw, as I knew how to do it from years of dissapprovingly watching my mother, I took a small inhale into my virgin lungs, and didn't cough as I expected to, but managed to keep it going for several more, till I got the inevitable buzz from the nicotine, all too soon it felt the cigarette was done, and so felt I.
Reflecting however, the taste was a lot more pleasant than I recalled from my teen experiments, the sensation even more so, it felt so good, so very very badly good! I was aware that I actually felt more normal when smoking than I could have believed and, even though the cigarette's were quite strong (a UK brand called Mayfair Superking's a 100mm cork filter) Mother told me there was no point in learning on mild's as they would not get my body used to her brand, so I was going to start with the Mayfair and keep on them to the conclusion.
Well, I had finished my first cigarette, we then had a glass of white wine and I noticed that smelt smoky mixed with the Aromatics elixer perfume I had been left while changing earlier, it was feeling rather very erotic to me, I felt deeply satisfied and pleasant a genuine sense of wellbeing and contentment? something I cannot put my finger on really. The deal was then further explained, that over the next two weeks she would train me and my lungs to accept her average of 20 per day, that I would need to smoke to keep up the deal. Instead of horror it was desire and excitement I felt deep deep inside as usually such a comment would have had me in terror but I didn't feel odd or strange, instead a desire was rising in me, to become complete, where was this coming from or more, where was it going to go I had no clue. I just felt calm from the first cigarette and I was starting to think about the next one, with a slight wishful longing, something I didn't have to wait too long for, as my mum gave me another about a half hour after my very first real time of smoking along with another glass of wine as girls don't drink Beer she exclaimed. This time, it came in the form of a new, unopened pack and a slim gold lighter, my my things are moving quick around here! I peeled the cellophane wrapping off and removed the paper on top and slid open the box all on my own but under close scrutiny, I admired the firmness of the package and the tightly packed contents as I eased the cigarette out. This time I was able to inhale small amounts from the start, then I was shown quite how smoke, holding it at the tips of my fingers all in a very elegant and overtly feminine style, I admired the grace of it, and practiced over the following days, learning to inhale and exhale to hold it and generally everything a new smoker would learn, also I was bound to secrecy, none of my soon to be new work friends were to be told of the deal or again the deal was broken, so I again reluctantly agreed. By bedtime, my mind was drifting to a third cigarette, and again my mother signalled her approval Once more I lit it myself this time, as I had to get used to this, didn't I? I took a slightly longer inhale a couple of times and got the immediate buzz! As I lay in bed that night and the smoky taste was still in my mouth and nose even after brushing my teeth and applying my first ever night spray of perfume, I can still recall was Aromatics Elixer, and the aroma seemed so enjoyable, I was rock hard below and was compelled to relieve myself and boy did I, I was then left with the most empty and disgusting feeling inside like as though it was wrong to have done that, a normal boyish act but it felt, strange and slightly wrong, how odd, as I had always been turned on by cross dressing and found the self orgasms hugely satisfying.

The next week again passed every morning having to get up an hour or so earlier than I had as a guy would normally have been torture but now? it was like I was lying awake waiting for the alarm butterflies in my stomach, but still I could not work out why I was getting so much contentment but I wasn't arguing I felt better than I had in years, and with my new "habit" by then end of the week I had learned how to match my mother's style of long inhale, hold for a few seconds and slow exhale, the result made the smoke look so much thinner than a simple inhale in then out, I had got to the stage of about 5 to 8 per day and had no ill effects, quite the contrary I looked forward to them almost, at the weekend my mum's friend called in and at lunch I had another "lost hour" or so??? was I under hypnosis again???
After the shop closed that day my mother seemed to take pleasure in pointing out that I had slipped out the back 10 times matching her and had retained full control of my senses, and was visibly relaxed and enjoying myself. I had not stopped to think but I wasn't NOT enjoying it? what was going on? As I was now working full time in the shop, I was able to enjoy the full range of clothes and not one person saw through my disguise, perhaps they weren't looking that hard I reasoned? I could not put my finger on it but this was not me? not right? I was in a state of surprised shock, even my voice seemd much softer than previously, I had had a full day dressed living as a woman, smoking and with no thoughts to the deal or my prior loathing.
When we left the shop, on the drive home that day, I was given a cigarette in the car, I had never driven and smoked before but I reasoned I had better get used to it, It wasn't that difficult and I trimmed the ash as my mother did out the slightly open window as we drove. I could still at that point smell myself slightly smoky after each one, but was finding I was more than getting used to this, but driving even though it was an automatic car, was something I had to concentrate slightly more on.

All this time I felt more and more content as Gillian and less and less about me as a boy, I had also been given that first evening at home, two tablets to take each day my mother told me they were to make my skin smoother and more silky, I stupidly, or willingly? accepted them every night, without hesitation and they did seem to start working as my skin became slightly more translucent, my thinking was more emotional? or was I being girly about it, I couldn't fully recall. I was also putting on some weight as I had to quit the gym and adopt her diet, as part of the deal so with no training, the extra calories went straight to my bottom and chest? it seemed, and this was natural and normal right? The most disturbing change was my thinking, looking back, I was no longer just thinking about the deal we had made, I was thinking about what I could wear next? and how it looked? if I was being checked out by anyone, and caught out by anyone! my skin, oh and my gorgeous soft hips,,, and why were my nipples getting so itchy and sore? My mother changed the bra to one with the softest cotton lining and just told me it was iritation and my imagination they were changing shape. I chose to believe this but was so secretly delighted that I was getting tiny soft mounds and the sensitivity they had, even my nipples had seemed to be growing larger and slightly darker too, then one day when I was lounging at home in a cotton top I simply got up and had to go put on a bra to stop the rubbing driving me crazy. that was the last day I ever went without a bra.

We got through the next weeks and I was now able to match my mothers smoking inhale, depth and style, all part of the plan and deal we had, which is to take a long drag till the mouth is full, inhale, hold for a few seconds then exhale, it was a true committed smokers style that's for sure, but by now, was feeling totally normal, this then, was the start of the "deal" I didn't know it but I was already past the point of no return, I was a victim of their plan, I was becoming a wholly committed addicted woman smoker. After the first month, I was easily on a pack per day easily and my mum seemed to be smoking more, so naturally I had to also, in the morning as I applied my makeup I had taken to smoking the first cigarette of the day and with my coffee, it seemed to energise me all the more, I had had my hair re-styled as my mother persuaded me to look the part, I always wore very heavy make up but again she coaxed me to wear more and look more like her, the glamerous woman, owner of a fashion boutique, that she was, I didn't argue as I loved the attention and free styling, I also noticed that I didn't seem to smell as badly as I thought in fact I quite ignored it feeling more elegant,,,, did I say that? I also started to wear stiletto heels and after a few days could do a quite convincing walk and wear them all day without killing my feet too badly.
Things didn't really change greatly in the second month except that I found myself looking forward to having a cigarette as I "needed" it not waiting for my mother at many times, when she was occupied in the shop, I was now freely feeling craving's, strong, deep, inescapable longing one's after a period of not smoking, my new friends were aware and those who smoked really welcomed the new member of the crew, the non-smokers, were stunned by my change of heart, I however was unaware of the whole truth, for now.

By the third month I was smoking while alone routinely, out walking, in the car as a passenger, at home, I didn't need the deal held over me to make me "want" to smoke, it was a habit, something Gillian freely did, so to speak, and each few weeks we had dinner with my mothers friend and the sense of time dissapearing with that disc regularly continued, each time I had no recall why but felt more and more like a woman and more desire to be one, plus a real knawing hunger for smoking was growing inside of me, my style was much more accomplished, my inhales were very deep and I noticed that even after I exhaled I had smoke emerge on a second exhale breath sometimes even a third, this made me feel so strange I knew it was because my lungs had become those of a true commited smoker, but I was actually quite delighted when I was doing it because of the attention I was getting, all the guys seem to look at are the smoking girls, are we that "BAD!!!" just now in developing, I had gone from hating to tolerating, to then wanting to smoke, I looked for excuses to have one not that I really had any difficulty, and to be seen as a smoker when I was out and about, this felt so new and strange but I did get so much more of all that attention when I did smoke compared to the times I wasn't, this also set a whole raft of strange feelings running through my soul.

By the fourth month I had inescapable man-boobs, but, as the gel portions of the bra were slowly being diminished I felt more and more contented too, I loved my new assets, my thighs were much fuller too but this was poor diet and lack of exercise surely and I would soon bid them farewell, I felt so sad inside when I was thinking this for some reason, all the moisturising on my body was having a major effect as my skin felt so silky and smooth even my elbows were babysoft as were my knees, I did notice that I had by now long lost the desire to masturbate all desire had gone it felt wrong the wrong type of pleasure, and when I could get his attention, the little guy seemed so much smaller than I was used to? I was shaving far less or so it felt too? This was odd, very odd but still I was washed over by pleasure at my situation, why was I starting to love this? but love it every tiny fragment I was, I dreaded the thought of it ending, I really did.

Again when my mother had dinner with me and her friend, I had another relaxation session where time escaped for another hour or so as the disc was produced,,,,,,,,
I awoke feeling so content and harmonious and had a locked in feeling of being, as I lit a cigarette at that point the inhale washed over me unlike those before and I "knew" I was who I am now, all previous concerns washed away forever it felt

Month five was more development my body continued to feel more "normal" to me and thinking of guy clothes was becoming a very upsetting affair, my emotions were all over the place, my ability in the shop seemed sharper and people came in just to see me to deal with them as I had a great eye for shade tone and cut I was learning. My hair had been growing in and my mother knew a great stylist who transformed me with a set of amazing extensions they were then coloured to match my hair, by now a soft mix of carmel, ash and platinum that grew my length to just on the top of my boob's, (hmmm I still chuckle calling them that but they were) My look was almost finished and my transformation more so, I wasn't the same guy I walked like a girl eat, lived and was on a more and more often basis thinking like a girl, I was scared of having to quit smoking and return to being "that thing" I was previously, I was managing to shut him out of my thoughts with increasing ease by now.

I also found that after I had been exerting myself, and remember, I had been quite proud to be fit, and gym active prior to this adventure that my growing girth and weight gain, added to my now heavy smoking had taken a toll on my general fitness and stamina, I found myself winded all too easily with stairs or even a simple brisk walk when trying to make the last post etc. usually something like this would have really disturbed me as I had always liked being "fit" but now with my increased weight my expanded waist and softly rounded rear adding to my now rather "jelly belly" I sought to avoid rushing, running or any other form of physical activity just like my mother does, and again the feeling of excitement in this only added to my state of feminine arousal, I even smirked and made sarcastic remarks at the joggers I observed when I was out and about, and smoking, naturally!

Overall the feeling of being content and in harmony with myself was overpowering and everything in my life was a pleasure to enjoy. How could I have been happy previously? I had this inner calm, and every time I walked it was slow measured and very ladylike, I even found excuses to just wander around with no handbag only my beloved cigarettes and lighter, just to make a point to the world that despite the anti-smoking undercurrent, I was a staunch addicted smoker!

My mother had also changed slightly over the period, she had gone from a size 14 to a 16 and the style and shape she had became even more idyllic to my eyes, her hair stlye had moved into a soft perm the impact of which I was to find out for myself and sooner than anticipated. The hormones I had been taking made my following her weight gain simple, coupled to my lack of exercise and diet, meant that all her old outfits became mine and accentuated my love of my new being. I was becoming a woman in mans and body a beautiful mature curvacious woman!
I hadn't really noticed that in my room, I had not a single remnant of my former male self, all my clothes had long since been removed and I had a wall to wall wardrobe filled only with dresses, skirts blouses and jackets, my underwear drawer filled with soft french knickers and lycra control pants, shoes were all heeled no flats or brogues, all truly elevated pain inducing (don't we love the pain from the beauty) high heel's.

By the sixth month, time was pressing on and I faced thoughts about the day when we would have to quit, but, something inside me was starting to feel panic and fear, not the addiction, I could beat that, right? I could stop anytime, right? I was also feeling real shuddering dread over leaving Gillian behind, my figure was by now quite overtly feminine I had noticeable curving hips, a soft smooth abdomen that my panties completed as my little guy was so tiny? the gaff seemed overkill and even sheer silk panties were enough to tuck things away, where and what had happened to him though? I was also very committed to my female form, this life was "perfect" my old life was intolerable to me now Urgh what a slob of a life, I loved the theatre of dressing every single day, still adored shaving my legs and would frequently go out in a skirt with my legs bare now. I was also, never without a cigarette when out walking as due to the UK smoking ban only outdoors or out the rear of the shop, or car was I able to fulfill my new "need"

My mother was always telling me how good I looked as a girl and how my hair by now a shoulder length carmel and ash blonde bob looked so incredible, I had double piercing in my ears and always wore large gold hoops and a diamond stud set. All in I was way too comfortable as Gillian, I loved the look and feel of my soft curves and I was sure I swung my hips way too much for my own good. I had long forgotten the desire for the gym and found I got easily winded if I rushed anywhere but as I had a cigarette in my hand that was the reason right?

Well, finally, it came to the last week and I decided to use a day off I had to test myself, I left early and went to the city shopping, I was in the car and automatically lit a cigarette, what was I doing I screamed into myself??? but, I had to have it I could not stop myself, I needed that like my life depended on it, what had happened to me? I liked it this way, and knew I was never going to go back to any of it prior to our deal.

I stopped got out the car at a park and tried to recount this. I was hooked, on all of it combined, so sexily overweight with all the right curves in all the right places, I knew I was going to have to find a way to remain and to become a woman, but more than that I was in turmoil over how to settle it and agree it with my mother. I now really wanted to be a smoker just like my mum, but I had hated it? I loathed it? I was a non-smoker. I made a decision, I wasn't going to try to quit on plan. I was also addicted to being a female and always thought like a girl and even found myself flirting with guys! what the heck???

On the final night we sat and talked about what I thought and I said I was ready for us both to quit, her friend was coming over again so we had a short conversation. After a while we were talking and again it seemed an hour slipped away unseen?? was I hypnotised again? when I was aware again, I immediately lit a cigarette and this was not a deal one it was essential, like my lungs were screaming for it. I was having a real hard craving, I wanted that cigarette and then the final part of the "deal" was revealed. "Have this one and we will not quit, not now not ever" my mother told me "Gillian will stay your old self will go, I will pay for surgery and treatment for you and you can remain as you are, far happier and content than ever you were. I had to have it, this new life all of it!!!
I didn't care about the deal I had to have it, so I lost my self control I lit up, and screamed YES! I am Gillian I cannot go away just when I am getting started.
My mother smiled a knowing smile, she said that she knew I was in turmoil at the final farewell to manhood, and to let the moment washover me and move on. Wise words indeed and I sat there in the chair and knew deep inside she had been right all along and I had been reborn that night.
I was sure I had been given the hypnotic message from day one and I was going to allow myself to be helplessly hooked, but not just hooked, I was totally irreversibly addicted, though my becoming a beautiful curvacious woman was not an anticipated part of the deal on my part but I ached inside to feel every emotion and sense as a girl every one! and I was not going to fight it any longer, that was my thought, that was my situation after almost six months, I had become what I thought I had hated most, a heavy smoker and as a twist a woman, this part I certainly didn't hate I freely admit! mother knew best thats for sure, and as for those pills? well we all now know were progesterone and estrogen, and at six months in, the changes were irreversible for the main part anyway, but I didn't hate the thought any longer I adored it, I loved the prospect, I was excited inside. I had accepted the suggestions and my body had accepted the nicotine and estrogen, too well looking back on it with hindsight.

"Gillian" then lit the first cigarette of the next ten years as a smoker, poured another glass of chardonney, also learned that the next week I had a counselling session with a GRS specialist within a week and was going to discuss my options, my man boobs were now a real a A or small B cup I was a beautiful curvy size 12/14, and worked every inch of it, I found an A-line skirt and blouse had become almost a weapon.
I quickly and happily underwent electrolysis and had facials weekly, my hair that had become a longer length bob about 2" over the shoulder, my mother persuaded me to then go for a much more feminine and elaborate style. I was booked in to the salon next to the shop first thing under my mothers strictest instructions the stylist had my hair cut, layered and permed into what you could say was a much older womans style, the tint added some fine silver highlights into the light golden blond brown, and when completed along with my now hair free complexion added a decade to my style but was utterly perfect to reflect how I saw myself and much more mature looking to go with my style as I had never once dressed my actual age. The perm had the effect of allowing me to need even more makeup as if to look younger by looking older and I adored the nights I slept with curlers in, in a no pain no gain manner. I had also long since abandoned my contact lenses in favour of some large and elegant gold framed glasses, at first they seemed too strong for me and despite not needing to wear them all the time, I had had a growing compulsion to keep them on and gradually my eyes became so used to them it became difficult not wearing them to work drive or operate at all. It all took me some getting used to as the new hair style made my once longer style become far shorter my neck exposed above my collars and the weight and movement of the hair I had grown used to seemed to vanish in the fixed soft curls that now surrounded me, I had to learn how to care for and style this new hairdo as well and it resulted in trying lots of products and lots of attention. When I added jewellery in the form of some gold chains, breacelets and rings the transformation was complete, I looked like a late-forties woman, and I tingled each time I caught sight of my reflection.

In final refection though I had been, I believe, tricked into my addiction's by hypnosis, but this was merely to release me from my bonds of maledom and if it is, then the trick persists today, I have never been told or no admission of any manipulation of my situation has ever been admitted to, but I had gone from a total Anti-smoker guy with no real direction, to a more mature business woman who smoked. I used the University background and developed the business my MBA coming in really useful, we bought the place next door later in the years and had it fitted out and started to develop an internet sales side to the cross-dressing fraternity, as well as women of a more ample size, the additional shop space catered for their more gregarious tastes and gave us space to wrap and dispatch far and wide, I had so much fun growing that small sector that we then went on to open another three branches in the near city and the two adjoining towns, all quite small low key but highly stable business's that form our company today. Mum made me a Director once my name was changed legally, and I found out just how lucritive the business was especially this new found auction site selling way! who would have thought we even had to recruit a buyer to seek out stock it moved so fast online.

As for being a smoker, I freely admit I am a 100% committed addict, but I have "tried" to quit, many times but I keep failing, something inside, deep inside, prevents it from working, patches, gum, champix (in the UK) I try to get to the point, but always something inside me prevents me going away from this addiction. It holds me in a web and I am a puppet, even now.
I did go though surgery 2 years after meeting the GRS specialist and had facial feminisation, breast enhancement and ongoing hormone treatment, The lack of smoking then was HELL!! I had the strongest patches possible but still I missed the oral action. Today, I now look function and live full time as Gillian, no way to do otherwise as I am equipped as a girl! I have a boyfriend I now live with, and an active sex life with him, he is fully aware of my past life, he is in his fifties and I think he adores my smoking too, as he loves me kissing him just after I smoke and just before we go to bed, he knows fully about me as I was very keen to explain this early on and as to why I could bever have children! and, have kept my hair permed in the style that frames my face perfectly, including the added aging grey highlights, so I am told and bear a striking resemblance to my mother. I have no regrets in any way about who I am now.

I sit here smoking and wondering why I started the way I did and why I adore being so hooked, unable to see a movie in a cinema with out sneaking outside part way, why I have never taken a long flight in ten years, why I adore my small cough in the morning, why I have become so outspoken in smoker rights?

So there we go, is it fact or is it fiction, you decide, all I know is I need to go buy some cigarette's