In Act 1 (aka Part 1), while searching for vintage erotica in a public library, the author discovered the manuscript of the inquest into the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. This story is a faithless presentation of the document, which proves that Shakespeare deliberately suppressed the transgendered aspects of the tragedy of living and dying in 14th-century Verona. Act 1 ended with a cat burglar discovering how painful it could be to testify in a Medieval court about the balcony scene he had witnessed. Act 2 features a quickie wedding, a deadly gang fight, and disturbing allegations about Romeo's true sexual orientation.

Romeo and Juliet: The Real Tragedy - Part 2 By: Dawn DeWinter
Act 2 … Not another tranny!

Court Herald: Oyez, Oyez, this Court of Inquiry for the Ninth Circuit Court of Assizes for the Region of Veneto, presided by Escalus, Prince of Verona, resumes its inquest into the pathetic suicide of star-crossed lovers Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet. All rise while His Excrescent and Excursive Excellency takes his throne.

Prince Escalus: Please be seated. The court calls to the stand Friar Laurence, confessor to the Montague family. Tell us, friar, about your encounter with Romeo the morning after the Capulet party for my kinsman Paris. And lower your brown hoodie. I want to see your lying eyes.

Friar Laurence: Blessed be everyone here, especially our most merciful Prince Escalus, who deigned not to cast the wretched sinner called The Phantom into the fire. Soon after dawn Romeo told me that he and Juliet Capulet had exchanged vows. He asked me to marry them that same day. I thought this an ideal match as it might turn the rancor of the two households into pure love. He then ran off, I knew not where.

Prince Escalus: Meddlesome friar! By what right did you undertake to deprive Lord Montague of the dowry owed to him by the Capulet family for taking the maid Juliet off their hands? At thirteen she was already costing Lord Capulet more for food and clothing than she was earning with her needlework, weaving, and glass-blowing. You Franciscans have no respect for property rights. Why you’re no better than a communist or obamamite! But what else can one expect from a member of a religious order founded by a freak who believed that birds can speak like humans?

Friar Laurence: But they can, your High Mightiness — just the other day, I heard a crow caw out to me.

Prince Escalus: An inquest is serious business. Your last comment, friar, merits pun-ishment. No gruel for you tonight. You are dismissed to do penance in your cell. I recall Benvolio to the stand. Lad, tell us about your conversation with my kinsman Mercutio about Romeo on the morrow of the Capulet party.

Benvolio: Your Excellency, I was hanging out in the street with Mercutio, it being too hot that day to stay inside, as the servant who normally accompanied me with a fan was taking his annual day off. Damn labor unions! [Murmurs of hear, hear filled the court.] After I told Mercutio that Tybalt had challenged Romeo to a duel, Mercutio lamented that Romeo, wounded by Cupid’s arrow, was not man enough to fight a duel.

Prince Escalus: Not man enough? The only son of Lord Montague not man enough? What a shocking thing to say? Were those the actual words used? Did they not make you suspect that all was not as it should be?

Benvolio: I am but a naíve youth, my Prince. At the time, I assumed that Mercutio was Romeo’s butt boy. What else was I to conclude after Romeo, having made several jokes about goosing Mercutio, said that his sweet sauce was well served in a sweet goose as broad as Mercutio? The latter replied that a goose was better than groaning for the love of a woman. Mercutio even told Romeo “You are what you are, by art as well as by nature.” After a conversation like that, was it not reasonable to conclude that they were fuck buddies and that Mercutio was by Nature decreed to be Romeo’s woman until the right girl did come along? I had no idea of how wrong I was.

Prince Escalus: Yes, if you had been wiser, you might have given us a timely advisory. We might have imposed a more suitable match than Juliet on young Montague. Benvolio, you are dismissed for now. I call to the stand the Capulet servant known as Peter. First, is that your Christian name, churl?

Peter: No, it isn’t. I am called Peter because I have a rod as big as the first Pope’s wooden staff. My birth name is Childeric, my sainted mother being a big fan of Childeric the Third, the last Merovingian king of France. You know his story, don’t you Prince? He was deposed in 751 for starting the rumor that John the Evangelist, the favorite disciple of Our Lord Jesus, was a crossdressing female who gave birth to a child of Jesus, whose descendant founded the Merovingian dynasty. Childeric the Third even wore his hair long so that he’d look more like Saint John, that is, like a woman posing as a man. Talk about crazy!

Well, every fifth grader knows that the Pope ordered Childeric the Third to be deposed, his feminine locks to be shorn, and for the ex-king to be shut away in a monastery for the rest of his lunatic life. Now, I ask everyone here, how would you like to be named Childeric in honor of the third king of that name? After the First or Second Childeric, sure, but the Third? You can see why I have wished to be called anything but Childeric.

Prince Escalus: What I see is a blasphemous fool who repeats the worst calumny yet conceived against our Lord and Savior. Worse than that, you spoke familiarly to me. And worst of all, you insinuated that there was something that you knew that I might not! You are much too learned to remain a mere servant.

I decree that you be enslaved, enchained and assigned to the Royal Galleys as a sous chef. Any further impertinence from you today and I will deny you the right to decide which pound of your flesh you will pay to Lord Capulet for releasing you from his service. You will still be able to call yourself Peter if you choose to lose a pound of foot, whereas I might target that foot-pounder between your legs. Now tell us, slave, about Nurse’s encounter with Romeo on the morrow of the Capulet party.

Peter: Romeo told Nurse to bid Lady Juliet to devise some means to come to Friar Laurence’s cell that very afternoon for shrift — you know, Prince, to confess her sins to a priest as the Holy Catholic Church prescribes. After making short shrift, the friar would wed her to Romeo. Nurse promised that Juliet shall be there, adding that her mistress was being courted by a local nobleman named Paris, but considered him a toad.

Prince Escalus: Slave, you surely knew that Paris is my kinsman! How dare you debase him with such a word? Guards, take this wretch away. Before he is chained to a stove in the galleys, be sure to take his Peter to pay Paul, the Lord Montague, for the service interruption. Nurse can tell us whatever else this miserable slave might know, and she will appreciate her duty to speak well of her social superiors.

Nurse: Your Excellency, I swear that I will not betray the confidence that you’ve placed in me, just as I kept faith with my mistress. Peter and I got back to the Capulet’s orchard around noon; the sun was sitting upon the highmost hill. As Juliet demanded that the servant formerly known as Peter be sent away, there is nothing further he could have told the court. I said to Lady Juliet that her Romeo had a face better than any man’s and legs that excel all men’s, and a hand, foot and body beyond compare. I warranted that he was gentle as a lamb.

Prince Escalus: Did you not wonder, Nurse, at the beauty and docility of Romeo? More like that of a woman than a man, was that not so?

Nurse: True and wise as always, my liege Lord, yet some youth are more fair in appearance than the fair sex, and I supposed Romeo, scarce fifteen years on this earth, to be one of them.
I immediately got to the point: after ascertaining that Juliet had permission to go to shrift that day, I advised her to hasten to Friar Laurence’s cell where she would find a husband ready to make Juliet his wife. I then went to dinner, while Juliet headed off to the friar’s lair.

[The Court was adjourned until the morrow so that Friar Laurence could return to the stand. A day of fasting had improved his demeanor.]

Friar Laurence: I take it that you want me to testify about the tryst in my cell between the teenaged aristocrats. When Juliet arrived, they acted like foolish young lovers, their flowery words dropping on my ears like weeded paragraphs in a playwright’s circular file. So I immediately performed the wedding rite, as I could see that these two kids were, goat-like, so hot to couple that I dare not let them be alone together until the church had incorporated the two of them into one.

Prince Escalus: Finally, you did something right, fatuous friar. Because you heard their confessions and wedding vows, the two lovers have some hope of salvation. Of course, they will first have to spend several thousand years in Purgatory being repeatedly flayed, diced, cooked and eaten by demons in penance for the mortal sin committed in Juliet’s tomb. But eventually, because our God is a merciful God, they will get to Heaven where Romeo will be able to have sex with seventy-two dark-eyed virgins whom neither man nor jenny will have touched before. Juliet, hazel-eyed and no longer a virgin, will be occupied elsewhere. I now call to the witness the Page who was in attendance when Mercutio dueled with my Tybalt. Page, what is your Christian name — for the record?

Page: It is Page, Sire. My parents called me Page so that I would not be constrained by my name when it came time to choose my gender. And Page to a Knight I have become, even as my Knight has come nightly with this Page.

Prince Escalus: And what, youngster, is your gender? It is difficult to discern, given your beardless, painted, transgendered look of wearing a lavender dress with a triangular pink codpiece.

Page: Today, my Lord, I am a man; but I can be a woman for you tonight if you so desire.

Prince Escalus: More impertinence! Ambiguous youth, you shall report to my chamber after dusk to learn of your punishment. I can promise you that it will involve whips, chains and Extra Virgin oil. I will be hard on you indeed if your testimony today is not pleasing to this Court.

Page: I well understand, my Prince and Master. The tragedy might have been averted had the days and tempers been less hot. As Benvolio warned Mercutio, summer in the city maddens the blood.

There arrived the Capulets led by Tybalt, who said he wanted a word with my more noble companions. Mercutio responded that he was willing to give Tybalt a blow as well as a word. As I knew from personal experience, and from listening at the door whenever Romeo, Benvolio or another youth replaced me in Mercutio’s bed, I understood that Mercutio was offering Tybalt, Verona’s most desirable stud, a blowjob.

Prince Escalus: Let me get this right: Are you telling me that you deemed Romeo a homosexual? How extraordinary!

Page: What else could I think? He spent so many nights locked into Mercutio’s bedroom. It was remarkable how often those youths completed the act, for I would hear loud, climactic sighs two or three times an hour. Unusually for Mercutio, who normally was the soul of indiscretion, he even felt he had to lie about their long nights together; he said they were but playing cards. This excuse showed no respect for my intelligence, for I know that no one can play “Go Fish” for endless hours and nights, and that was the only card game my master Mercutio knew. I decided that Romeo was teaching him new tricks. This one affair Mercutio wanted to keep secret even from me, I suppose because it mattered more than the rest.

From then on until Romeo’s demise, I assumed the boy to be a gay blade who covered up his sexual deviance by telling the world that he pined only for Rosaline, when the world — or most of it — already knew that Rosaline, a crossdressing male, loved only women. And so, I was shocked indeed when Romeo married Juliet; I thought Mercutio his more likely mate. Should I continue with the tale of Tybalt’s deadly quarrel with Mercutio?

Prince Escalus: To be sure. But do avoid aspersions against my kinsman Mercutio.

Page: Alas, Tybalt misinterpreted Mercutio’s generous offer of a blowjob as a challenge to exchange blows with their swords. And from then on, it was a tragedy of errors — such that even gentlemen might make. Thus, when Tybalt opined that he was apt to give Mercutio a blow if given the opportunity, Mercutio nobly replied, “Could you not take some occasion without giving?” I knew what generous Mercutio meant — that he preferred to give rather than to receive fellatio.

But Tybalt thought he was being dissed. So he struck back by accusing noble Mercutio of “consorting” with Romeo. Mercutio apparently believed that Tybalt was openly accusing Romeo and him of being homos because he said, “Consort! What, do you make us out to be minstrels?”

Being a gentleman, Mercutio was understandably aggrieved, for everyone knows the reputation that minstrels have for blowing on men’s flutes and boys’ piccolos. Even so, Mercutio still offered his “fiddlestick” to Tybalt.

Again, Tybalt, unaware of the most recent street slang, misunderstood Mercutio’s meaning as a threat. Yet it was not a sword thrust but something harder, yet softer, that bighearted Mercutio was offering. Benvolio, worried that they were making a public spectacle of themselves, bade Mercutio and Tybalt to withdraw to a private place. Mercutio bravely said he didn’t care if men’s eyes gazed upon him. I was mighty impressed that my Knight had the courage to flaunt his sexual deviance. What a gay caballero he was!

Prince Escalus: But what of Romeo? When did he join the conversation, if words spoken at such cross-purposes might so be characterized?

Page: It was at that very moment that Tybalt, seeing Romeo approach, said “here comes my man.” Mercutio, jealous of Romeo’s affections, became most vexed, for it appeared that Tybalt was declaring Romeo to be his sex toy. So Mercutio said he’d “be hanged” before he’d let Tybalt buy clothes — leather, satin, lace or denim, whatever — for Romeo. When Tybalt announced with unnatural vehemence that he hated Romeo and considered him a villain, Mercutio probably concluded that he was witnessing a lover’s quarrel.

What would anyone of noble breeding or dirty mind conclude after Romeo responded by twice publicly announcing his love for Tybalt, saying that he cherished the name Capulet as much as Montague? Did that not sound like a proposal for a gay wedding and the assumption of Tybalt’s noble family name? Certainly Tybalt would have considered it such, given the timing of Romeo’s open show of affection.

After all, how else could Romeo’s words be interpreted less than a fortnight after Your Excellency, overruling the prejudices of the priests, parliament and people, did pronounce homosexual marriage henceforth legal in Verona? Furious at the thought that Romeo might love Tybalt enough to submit to his husbandly authority and lusts, noble Mercutio drew his sword and forced a duel.

Prince Escalus: Your story is endless; do be brief.

Page: In brief, Tybalt killed Mercutio in a swordfight with the unwitting help of Romeo, who, trying to end a public brawl that countervened your order, good Prince, to the Capulets and Montagues to preserve the peace, gave innocent cover to Tybalt’s fatal sword thrust. Mercutio, dying, ordered me to fetch a surgeon. That I did. The Court will have need of Benvolio to know the rest.

[Prince Escalus bade Benvolio to take the stand after reminding Page to show up for suitably attired for chastisement after dark.]

Benvolio: Even though he sent Page to find a surgeon, at first I thought Mercutio was making much ado about nothing. But I realized my error when he told Romeo and me that we would find him by the following day a grave man. That was a dreadful pun even for Mercutio; I knew then that his wits were failing him. He then asked Romeo why the devil he came between the two duelists.

Romeo’s lame excuse — that he thought it for the best — caused Mercutio to curse the houses of Montague and Capulet. I imagine that Romeo felt as bad as the Disciple who reminded Judas of the location of the Last Supper as young Montague helplessly watched me help Mercutio stagger off to his death off-stage. Off-stage! How ignominious! Surely Mercutio deserved better!

As I was heading off, I heard Romeo moan that Mercutio, the ally of Your Excellency, had been mortally hurt on his behalf. For sweet Juliet’s sake Romeo had allowed Tybalt’s slander to stain his reputation; her beauty had made him “effeminate”, with the result that Mercutio was forced alone to defend their impugned heterosexuality.

Prince Escalus: Effeminate? Or feminine? Which word, Benvolio, did Romeo actually use? It may help us better identify the root of his demise.

Benvolio: Effeminate. At the time I deemed it an accurate description of his cowardice, but I kept my tongue silent, for I did not want to add to his grief when I had to return to announce brave Mercutio’s death, which I did most poetically: “That his gallant spirit had aspired to the clouds.” Blast the luck — at this moment furious Tybalt returned. In fire-eyed fury, Romeo challenged Tybalt to a duel, saying that one of them must soon join Mercutio in heaven.

Tybalt once again accused Romeo of “consorting” with Mercutio. What true gentleman of Verona, my liege lord, could suffer such a slight without swinging his sword at the slanderer? Well, this time Tybalt lost, which was indeed unfortunate for him, since one must do better than bat .500 in duels to the death. When I saw that Tybalt had been slain, I urged Romeo to be gone, because Your Excellency was certain to order his death if he were captured. Calling himself “Fortune’s fool,” Romeo ran for cover.

Prince Escalus: Are you confessing, Benvolio, that you counseled Romeo to take unlawful flight, making you an accessory after the fact?

Benvolio: I do so confess and throw myself on your mercy.

Prince Escalus: Given the gravity of your offense, if you were a commoner, Benvolio, I would have no choice but to order each of your limbs to be tied to a different horse so that they might be torn from your body as the horses are spurred to head off to the four cardinal points of the compass. ‘Tis a dire fate, too gruesome, I feel, to be imposed on a noble gentleman like yourself. Due to your fine breeding, you have a more refined sensibility than an insensate peasant or craftsman and so would suffer far more than they from having your body pulled asunder. That wouldn’t be fair, now would it?

Accordingly, I waive the Punishment of Dismemberment and order instead the Punishment of Disengagement: You are ordered to serve three days’ house arrest, the sentence to commence immediately after this inquest so that you may have the time and opportunity to do penance.

[Murmurs against the harshness of the punishment meted out to Benvolio could be heard from the Ladies and Gentlemen in attendance; the Prince sternly demanded their silence before ordering Benvolio to complete his testimony.]

Benvolio: An alarm was given that brought the Montagues, Capulets, their wives, and Your Excellency to the scene of the crime. It was I who informed everyone that young Romeo slew Tybalt, the man who had slain Mercutio. Lady Capulet demanded that, to be true to his word, the Prince shed the blood of Romeo to pay for the death of her brother’s child.

I was impressed, Your Excellency, that you inquired instead as to who began the bloody fray. It was Tybalt, I explained; Romeo did but avenge the death of your kinsman Mercutio. Alas, Lady Capulet accused me of speaking false because I am a relative of the Montagues. She begged you to give her justice. Romeo, she said, must not live.

[Lady Capulet called out, “I did not know about the marriage!” Prince Escalus forgave her outburst on account of her grief for her daughter Juliet.]

Benvolio: You Capulet harpy, you forced the Prince to punish your daughter’s husband. You caused their deaths!

[The Herald called the Court to order, as the Prince, chiding Benvolio for his outburst, decided to take the stand Himself.]

Prince Escalus: On that fatal day, after weighing the evidence and hearing the pleas of Lady Capulet and Lord Montague, I exiled Romeo from Verona and fined the two families heavily for the brawl that cost me a kinsman. In that way I strengthened the finances of the Principality while restoring the peace. True, I did say that if Romeo were ever found in Verona, that hour would be his last. However, given the puny extent of this city state, I expected him to hang out in nearby Venice, Padua or Mantua where his family might yet see him from time to time. Why did he not send for Juliet to meet him amongst the pigeons of the Piazza San Marco? Dumb kids!

[The Prince then called Nurse to the stand. He bade her to recount the scene at which she informed Juliet of Tybalt’s death.]

Nurse: I decided to break the tragic news to Juliet as gently as I could. So, when I reached the Capulet garden I immediately said, “Ah, well-a-day, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead. We are undone, lady, we are undone! He’s gone, he’s killed, he’s dead. O Romeo! Who would ever have thought it?” She responded quite unfairly by calling me a devil and accusing me of tormenting her. She next asked whether Romeo had slain himself. Whatever gave her that foolish notion?

Prince Escalus: Nurse, you have now called your dead mistress unfair and foolish. I advise you to be careful of your tongue, lest you lose it.

Nurse: Mum’s the word, Milord. Well, I did do my best to calm her fears, telling Lady Juliet that I saw the wounds on his manly chest with my own eyes. He was, in consequence, a bloody piteous corpse. I swooned at the sight. Once again my innocent young mistress did miss my meaning. She thought I was speaking of Romeo.

No, I told her — it’s Tybalt who is covered with gore, an honest gentleman, the best friend I ever had. He was an excellent ballroom dancer, you know. Juliet still failing to comprehend the obvious, asked whether Romeo were slaughtered, and Tybalt dead. She asked what storm it was that blew so contrary.

This question I found odd indeed, it having been a delightful sunny day in Verona — except, of course, for the two murders. Even odder was Juliet’s conclusion that if Romeo and Tybalt were both dead, then it must be the Judgment Day. Milord, wouldn’t the day of the Apocalypse be a stormier one?

Prince Escalus: Ah, I do recall that you were the one who nursed Lady Juliet as a child. Did she imbibe your folly with your milk? In response to the foolishness of your testimony, although your tits be surely as withered as your forty-year-old bodice, for safety’s sake I decree that henceforth you never again wet-nurse a Veronese baby. Go to Bologna to nourish, body and soul, the children of our foes.

Nurse: What, baloney? I might as well be dead! Your Excellency, if I resume my tale, you may yet forgive me.

Prince Escalus: By all means resume it, but I urge you to make the resumption a résumé.

Nurse: In brief, I told Juliet that Tybalt was gone and Romeo, that killed him, was banished. My lady then waxed most poetical, speaking of serpent hearts, dragon caves, and fiends angelical, dove-feathered ravens, wolf-eating lambs and — most extraordinary of all — of damned saints and honorable villains. To be frank, I thought her to be suffering from hysteria, a natural ailment for Juliet, an aging maid grown long in tooth and clitoris.

Now that Romeo was banished, I full understood that she was bound to end up an old maid; and so I sought to please her by saying that there was no trust, no faith, and no honesty in the male sex. They were all dissemblers, said I. I was not surprised when my lady blanched at this word. To restore color to her livid face, I wished that shame would come to Romeo for causing such woes. Well, was I ever stunned by what my lady did utter next! She wanted my tongue blistered for such a wish, for Romeo was not born to experience shame. Shame, she said, would be ashamed to sit upon her husband’s brow.

Prince Escalus: Did I not tell you, garrulous crone, to give me a brief summary of your conversation with Juliet? She who is lamentably dead has given me an idea of how to make you tell your tale more quickly. This Court is adjourned until tomorrow so that the tongue of this chatterbox may be made less vigorous by being blistered by a heated iron taken from her own laundry room.

[The Court resumed its session at 10 o’clock the following morning, with the witness bound in bandages and nursing a sorely swollen tongue. After it became evident that no one could now understand a word she said, she was excused so that Second Servant might take the stand in her stead.]

Prince Escalus: Tell us, knave, how you came to be eavesdropping on the conversation between Nurse and Lady Juliet about Tybalt’s death? Don’t deny that you did, for I have the transcript of your freely-sworn testimony after you were thrice ducked in Verona’s erstwhile duck pond, made vile these many years past by a massive oil spill by the BP (Better Pits) Olive Oil Company.

Second Servant: I never eavesdrop, Sire, but I feared the worst when I saw Nurse run into the Capulet’s garden muttering nonsense in a most hysterical way. Is everyone positive that Nurse is too old to be sick from the womb? She did so remind me of my wife when she has the PMS. Mindful of my wife’s behavior each month, I feared for Lady Juliet’s safety and so lingered behind a bamboo tree in case she needed succor from me. While there I heard Nurse challenge my Lady by asking how she could speak well of him that killed her cousin.

By speaking thus, Nurse surely forgot that Lady Juliet, now come of age, was no longer a small child for a servant to scold. Well, Lady Juliet put the old bat in her proper place, by asking rhetorically, “Shall I speak ill of my husband? Shall I mangle the name of Montague, when it is my own these past three hours?” Juliet knew without having to read the tabloids that her cousin Tybalt was the villain; he sought to slay her husband. So it was not the phrase “Tybalt dead” that distressed her the most, but rather “Romeo banished”. Weeping, she asked for her mother and father.

[The lords and ladies attending the inquest did “ah” with compassion. Ten peasants did chortle and one guffaw, and for their pains all eleven were lashed five times each after being duly advised of their constitutional right to remain silent while attending the tribunal.]

Second Servant (cont’d): Nurse told Juliet that her parents were weeping over Tybalt’s corpse and offered to bring her to them. Juliet declined the offer, saying that her own tears would be spent mourning Romeo’s banishment, inasmuch as it meant that she was destined to die a maid. To be most frank, Your Excellency, I considered her comments lacking in empathy for her parents’ grief, but then what else can you expect from a self-absorbed adolescent?

Prince Escalus: Hold your tongue, knave, or I will have the guards hold it with a tight clamp. Juliet was too well-born ever to act like an adolescent. The Capulets have been quality in Verona since their ancestor, a bishop sworn to chastity and poverty, founded the family fortune and line five hundred years ago. Look at Nurse, now sitting swollen and speechless, and consider well your future remarks about those people — I like to call them Alpha Males and Beta Females — whom God determined at the Big Bang would be born to rule lowly Omegas like you. I suggest that you wrap up your testimony, knave, before you end up shroud-enwrapped.

Second Servant: Lady Juliet defied Providence when she told Nurse that death, not Romeo, would take her virginity that night. Nurse, to my surprise, offered to bring Romeo to “comfort” Lady Juliet in her bedchamber that night. Nurse even knew somehow that Romeo was hiding at Friar Laurence’s cell.

Prince Escalus: You are testifying that the Nurse knew that Romeo remained in Verona in disobedience to the edict of banishment? And she did nothing to alert either the proper authorities or even the Lord and Lady who had entrusted to her the care of their only daughter?

Second Servant: When you say it like that, Milord, I do appreciate that Nurse could have behaved better. Anyway, Lady Juliet handed her a ring to give to Romeo — I doubt he ever saw it! — and asked Nurse to tell him to come to Juliet’s bedroom to take his last farewell. Nurse scurried off. And so then did I. That’s about all, Your Excellency.

[He was succeeded in the stand by Friar Laurence.]

Prince Escalus: Friar, pray begin by telling us about your conversation with Romeo before Nurse arrived with Juliet’s ring.

Father Laurence: Its being an especially sunny day I was able to detect Romeo hiding in a corner of my cell, which at twelve square feet is far larger than a humble Franciscan requires. I recall that a novice nun once lurked there, in the shadows, for three weeks without my knowledge. Or so I told my confessor. My cell is so big that I’ve turned half of it into a Columbarium where I raise pigeons for their spiritual inspiration, animal companionship, and meat.

Prince Escalus: For failing to inform the secular authorities in a timely way of Romeo’s whereabouts, friar, you shall henceforth deliver half your pigeon meat to the palace. Continue your testimony, keeping in mind that I am less gullible than a Franciscan confessor.

Father Laurence: Calling Romeo a fearful man, I told him to come forth out of the shadows. Alas, he slipped on the guano, which is perhaps why I soon decided that he was sour company indeed. I told him that I brought tidings of Your Excellency’s decision regarding his part in Tybalt’s untimely demise. I was astonished when Romeo said that death would be more merciful than the banishment you’d decreed. I reminded him that there was a broad world outside Verona in which he could dally. He replied that there was no world outside Verona’s walls but purgatory, torture and hell itself. Naturally, I reproved his sinful ingratitude for your kind mercy.

Prince Escalus: And how did Romeo respond? Surely not with ingratitude? A noble Montague, he knew better than to bite a helping hand like a mad dog or socialist servant.

Friar Laurence: Alas, I must report that the distressing events of the day had unhinged even his noble mind. The death of Mercutio must have been hard for him to bear, so many nights had these two Knights spent together in Mercutio’s bedchamber.

Prince Escalus: Did he then speak of his love for brave Mercutio?

Friar Laurence: Not in so many words. But he was sore upset. He then said that heaven was here in Verona where Juliet lived. It would be hell, he said, not to be able to look on a girl that every cat, dog, mouse and carrion fly could daily see. Flies could fly around his love, but he, Romeo, had to fly far away from her.

Prince Escalus: What an unsavory image! Did he actually believe that Lady Juliet would in his absence become encircled by mice and flies?

Friar Laurence: I fear that the gross condition of my cell may have set his mind to raving. It is the fault of the pigeons; their waste attracts the flies that perpetually buzz ‘round my bald pate. And church mice are unavoidable cellmates for a poor monk. To return to Romeo’s rant, he said that he’d rather be poisoned or knifed than banished. Out of fondness for the lad I called him a mad man and promised to lend him several books of philosophy so that he could come to accept his fate with the grim stoicism of a comely cabin boy alone on a ship with a Greek crew long deprived of favorable winds and maids’ favors. Romeo rudely said that he had no need of philosophy unless it could restore Juliet to him or reverse Your Excellency’s decree.

Escalus: Did he wish my death? That alone could reverse the decree of banishment.

Friar Laurence: No, Milord, Romeo was well aware that he’d screwed the pooch and would have to leave Verona forever. That’s why he fell weeping to the floor of the cell, wallowing in self-pity and pigeon dung, refusing even to take refuge in a dark corner when he heard someone pound on the cell door. Fortunately, or so it seemed at the time, it was Nurse, who said through the door that she came from Lady Juliet.

Once inside, Nurse asked where Juliet’s Lord and Husband was to be found. I replied, “There groveling on the ground, with his own tears made drunk.” Nurse, after confirming that her mistress was behaving just as childishly, ordered Romeo to act like a man. For Juliet’s sake, she said, rise and stand. Still abased, Romeo asked whether Juliet now considered him an old murderer (as though she were more likely to forgive a young one).

Prince Escalus: Friar, even though a nun cohabited with you, your knowledge of women is feeble. Of course, a young murderer is easier for them to forgive than an aged one, for how otherwise do you explain why public executions of handsome youth attract so many screaming, fainting teen girls, swaying to the executioner’s song?

Friar Laurence: I stand corrected. To resume — Romeo inquired about his mourning wife. Nurse replied that Juliet did naught but fall onto her bed weeping for her dead cousin and for her absent husband. Romeo, drawing his sword, asked me which part of him was most Montague; he would cut it off. Afraid that he might do violence to that male part which a wife needed most, I adjured him to hold his desperate hand. I accused him of acting unseemly like a woman and said that by railing thus against his pedigree and fate he was behaving like a woman. If he slew himself to atone for Tybalt’s death, did Romeo not realize that he would with that same blow be slaying the love — Lady Juliet’s — that he’d vowed to cherish for all time?

I told him that Juliet was joyful that he was still alive and that Tybalt, who would kill him, was instead slain. And the Prince had decided that he should not be executed. “How can you not appreciate, I asked, that a pack of blessings is the light load that Fate has put on your back to carry? Happiness,” I said, “was courting him in her best array.”

I then urged Romeo — remember, My Prince, that I had married the teens myself — to go to his love’s chamber, as was decreed by God, to comfort her. But then, before the night watch start their patrols, flee to neighboring Mantua where you should live until we can find a time to publicize your marriage, reconcile your friends, beg pardon of the Prince, and call you back with twenty hundred thousand times more joy than you left in lamentation. Nurse, advise Lady Juliet to persuade her household to retire early for the night and then to await Romeo’s coming. Nurse thought my proposal quite learned, and Romeo did embrace it.

Prince Escalus: Learned? Perhaps it was that. Certainly, if carried out, your plan would have forestalled the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. I am still deliberating on your fate. But pray tell, did Nurse give Romeo a ring?

Who in the gallery cries out? Was that you, Nurse? Do keep in mind that a tongue, once lost entirely, can never heal.

Father Laurence: Nurse has no need to cry out. I can affirm that she gave a ring to Romeo. And she also told Romeo to go to Juliet at once so that he might yet depart for Mantua before the nightly closing of the city gates. After Nurse had scurried off, I bade Romeo farewell and good night.

Prince Escalus: Friar, you are for now dismissed to fast another day. I now call Bello Ragazzo, who was page to Count Paris. Dear boy, your name suits you well; you are handsome indeed. Though your Lord be slain, you have no cause to fear for your future, for I shall gladly add you to my personal service. In the meantime, do tell us about the meeting you witnessed at which Lord Capulet agreed that his daughter would marry Count Paris.

Bello Ragazzo: My lord Paris had arranged to spend to spend an evening with Lord and Lady Capulet during which they might chaperone as he courted Juliet. But Tybalt’s death caused Juliet to secrete herself. Recognizing that a time of woe afforded no time to woo, my Lord Paris bade the Capulets good night while asking them to make a pitch for him to their daughter. Lord Capulet said that he would forcefully tender the Count’s proposal of marriage to his daughter the following morning. “She will be ruled by my wishes in all respects,” Lord Capulet promised. He did not doubt that she would obey his patriarchal authority. He then told Lady Capulet to go directly to the maid Juliet to acquaint her of my Lord Paris’ affection and to order her to be ready to marry him in three days time.

I understood the reasons for haste: Through the immediate marriage of Count Paris to his daughter Lord Capulet could make amends to Your Excellency for the death of your kinsman Mercutio while reducing his wife’s pain over the death of her nephew Tybalt by arranging for her soon to have a grandchild of royal blood. My Count, in turn, would be able to deflower and command the most excellent virgin in Verona. I can affirm his passion for virgins.

[The proceedings were disrupted by several guffaws, apparently induced by the words “excellent virgin”. Prince Escalus would have severely punished the offenders had they been possible to identify, but the rogues were taking care to cover their mouths with embroidered handkerchiefs.]

Bello Ragazzo (cont’d): Count Paris told me that everyone would have benefited by his early marriage to Juliet, especially the maid herself, who would thereby gain a husband old enough to pleasure and dominate her, as all women require and desire. As the Count and I were quitting the Capulet mansion, I overheard Lord Capulet tell his wife to prepare Juliet for her wedding day. A broad smile overtook the Count’s visage as he informed me that Lady Capulet would now explain to Juliet how married men and women do produce babies, and advise her as well of a wife’s duty always to put her husband’s sexual needs first, so that he should have less cause to chastise her with a cat o’ nine tails, a necessary accessory to any modern marriage. “It does tame the shrew,” said my Lord Paris with a chuckle.

[The gentlemen of the galleries signaled their respect for the dead Count’s sagacity by cracking their whips and beating off their sticks.]

Prince Escalus: Silence! A hearty thanks for your delightful attendance at this inquest, sweet Ragazzo. You will make a most pleasing addition to my household. Do you know how to play the lute? As David did for King Saul in Bible times, I need a comely youth to spend the night in my bedchamber playing the lute so that I may have relief from the worries of the day and be able to relax enough to sleep.

Bello Ragazzo: My Lord, I would consider serving you a truly great honor; and Count Paris did teach me to play his lute. Even so, you may not want me to service you at night in your bedchamber, for some years past I changed my gender along with my name, which was originally Bella Ragazza. Yes, I was born a male, albeit with a female soul.

Prince Escalus: Not another tranny! There are too damned many in Verona! Bella, it would be most sinful to have a girl in my room at night, especially one dressed enticingly as a youth. I still believe you should grace my household, but as a footman. I do not want you anywhere near my head. You are dismissed.

This has been a most wearying, unsatisfactory day. This inquest is adjourned until 10 o’clock tomorrow when we shall hear from Samson, a servant of the Capulets, who did betray his trust by hiding under the nuptial bed of Juliet and her new husband Romeo.

End of Act 2 — There will be a week’s intermission before Act 3, “A really dumb plan,” in order to give the audience an opportunity to fortify their stomachs by ingesting a meal or anti-acid.