As I drive home, I keep an eye on the rear view mirror in case I’m being followed.  I even take a few odd turns aimlessly down residential roads but don’t see anyone following me. I’m sure that the Major is being cautious, but I’m starting to think we need to keep from getting paranoid. After all, who would be worried by a simple teen girl working as an intern?

Chapter 32: Hormones

As I pull up to the garage, I notice a red Honda CRV out in front of the house. I suspect it must be Andy’s car. Laurie and Andy are on the front porch waiting for me. Andy seems to be amused but Laurie does not.

“What were you doing, girl?” she starts into me, “We were supposed to leave almost forty-five minutes ago.”

“Sorry,” I reply sheepishly. “I was having a hard time picking out makeup then I got distracted by a few sale items.”

Wisely, Andy sits back and observes the interaction.

“You know, Tina,” Laurie says, “I’m really starting to think that you’re becoming a shopaholic. We need to work on that issue. Anyway, how long before you’re ready to go?”

“Give me five minutes,” I tell her, “I got everything else ready before I left. Here’s the food. Maybe you two can do something with it while I’m getting ready. Just keep your hands off the Cheetoes. Those are mine. I got the Reese’s for you.”

Taking my makeup supplies to my room, I pull my new cell phone out of my handbag and stuff it under the mattress.  I bury the accessories box in a dark corner of my closet for now. I just dump the makeup on my bed, extract my new pocket knife from its packaging before making a quick bathroom stop then meeting the others out front.

“That was quick,” Andy observes. “I thought that girls are supposed to be slow.”

“Sorry about being late,” I apologize to him. “I’m normally on time, really I am.”

“That’s okay,” he replies, “I was a little late myself. Anyway, Laurie and I had a nice chat.”

After piling into his car–Laurie took the back seat, I’m sure so that I can be closer to Andy–we head up to the dam that holds back the local reservoir. There’s a parking area at the base of the dam then the trail follows an old road up the hill overlooking the reservoir from the East. It’s a beautiful day and no one is in a hurry. As we walk, we chat aimlessly about a wide variety of topics. Andy has a very nice digital SLR camera with several lenses with him. He stops frequently to frame scenic shots and a few close ups of various plants and such. It’s no big surprise that he includes Laurie and me in a few pictures.

I look for something which might indicate that Andy has some kind of problem; his father certainly thinks he has one. From the recording the other night, I gather that maybe it has something to do with his relationship with girls but as near as I can tell–once he got past his initial shyness–he relates to the two of us well. In fact within the hour, the three of us are like old friends. If anything, he seems to be keenly interested in us girls–paying close attention to the things we say and do. There is none of the bravado that I’m used to seeing when around other guys–both as a girl and as a boy. He’s just a nice kid.

As we crest the hill and look down on the reservoir and the surrounding area we stop to admire the view and enjoy the breeze. We find a comfortable place off the trail to eat our lunch. I’m glad that I brought along a sun hat that I picked up shopping yesterday as there is no shade on the grassy slope.

“Thanks for getting the lunch, Tina,” Andy says. “I really like the club sandwich that you picked out. It is nice of you to do this for us.”

My, this guy is polite. I need to find some way to find out more about his family. Up until now, we’ve skirted the subject.

“It’s not as nice as your mother’s dinner the other night,” I point out.

“Mom’s a great cook,” he agrees. “I like to help her in the kitchen sometimes. Oh, and sorry about my father’s rudeness.”

“Your mother didn’t seem too happy with him either,” I reply. “What can I do to get along with your dad?”

“I don’t know,” he says, “I think that he feels threatened by any woman that works outside the home.”

“Your mom has a job,” I point out. “In fact, she’s a business woman running her own business.”

“I know,” he replies, “and I thought it might lead to a divorce when Mom proposed buying the store last year when the original owner wanted to retire. It was a pretty bloody battle. It’s a good thing that Mom has her own inheritance because there was no way that my father would put up the money for it.”

“So your father is okay with it now?” Laurie asks.

“Not really,” he replies, “but he tolerates it. In the end, Mom stood up to him and told him that either he could accept it or hit the road. The arguments that ensued over the next couple of weeks scared me a lot. He actually started to push her around physically at one point, but she got in his face and let him know what would happen if he got physical.”

“They did this in front of you?” Laurie asks incredulously.

“Actually, no,” he responds, “but I spent a lot of time eavesdropping.”

We sit for a few minutes, each of us thinking of the pain that such an altercation could cause.

“I don’t know what I’d do if my parent’s fought like that,” I say. “I can’t imagine how awful that must be. Andy, how do you get along with your parents?”

He shrugs his shoulders in resignation, “Mom and I do okay, but I seem to be a big disappointment for my father. I mean, I can’t seem to do anything right. He wonders why I don’t get into sports or act macho. I lack aggression, wear my hair too long, and I’m interested in art and photography–girly pursuits in his opinion. I just don’t see where acting like a macho jerk brings any happiness to me or the people around me.”

After a few moments of quiet contemplation he says, “In a perverse sort of way, Tina, your coming over the other night actually seemed to improve my relationship with my father a little. He seems to hope that I’ll be a real man and have you as a girlfriend to wait on me. I tried to tell him that we’re just friends but what can you do? The guy has hope. You also brought hope to my mother who has wanted me to make some friends for a while now.”

“You know, Andy,” Laurie observes. “I don’t think that you’d treat a girl like a second class citizen. You’re a nice, caring guy. I don’t know where some guys get off on this ‘me man, you woman’ caveman crap but I don’t see you as that kind of a guy. I’m sure you’ll find there are a lot of girls out there who will appreciate a guy who’s kind and gentle like you. You’re a handsome boy too.”

He is handsome I realize as I look at him. He stands about six feet tall, weighs in somewhere around 160 lbs, has a slender but definitely masculine face, longish black hair that could use a trim, a prominent Adams Apple, a tenor voice bordering on bass, fairly broad shoulders, and–dare I say it–a tight set of buns. I did notice them walking up the hill behind him. While not up to athletic standards for fitness, he is in good shape. He’s probably starting to shave regularly and he appears to be relatively strong as well. He’s a nice specimen of a boy who is turning into a young man.

As I register his physical attributes, I have to mentally slap myself as I find myself getting a feeling that I can only describe as soft and gooey. I feel my nipples starting to arouse and a moistness in my crotch. Brain Central must be totally seduced to the dark side as all I get back is he’s quite a catch when I look for direction. I can tell that I need to have a heart to heart chat with Brain Central pretty soon.

I must have been staring at him, because Laurie elbows me in the ribs at this point and brings me back into the real world.

“I hear you have a boyfriend, Laurie,” he says apparently not noticing my distraction–thankfully. “How does he treat you?”

Laurie glances at me before replying, “Chris can be a bit macho, but he’s also very humble and thoughtful–most of the time. He’s pretty clueless at times but he tries to watch out for my feelings. Like most guys he doesn’t understand us girls all that well so he does say the odd insensitive thing from time to time. I suspect that having two older sisters has made him more sensitive than the average guy so he’s a lot better than most. In all, though, I really like being around him. He makes me feel special.”

I’ve never heard this assessment before and it brings me totally back from where ever it was that I had drifted. It sounds brutally honest and I’m a little surprised that she’d be this open with a guy that she doesn’t know all that well. This sounds more like something she’d say to one of her girl friends. Maybe she’s getting the same comfortable feeling that I am about Andy–hopefully not exactly like the feeling that I get. He’s just a good friendly guy.

Trying to get the topic off of Chris, I ask, “How does your father treat your mother?”

“Well,” he replies, “you saw them together the other night. Tension between them is pretty much an everyday thing–sometimes better sometimes worse. Basically my father tries to rule the roost with typical macho bull and he got away with it until a couple of years ago.  I think my mom finally realized that she was useful for more than keeping house and tending the kid. The tension really began when she tried to take a more active role outside the home when I got into high school. This doesn’t fit my father’s expectations for women. He doesn’t know how to deal with it, but mom has been trying to let him see that times have changed since his grandparents’ day. It’s been a tough sell.  Sometimes I wonder why she keeps trying. It’s quite a struggle. This last year has been the worst.”

The last part of his statement came out unsteadily.  He wears a distressed look on his face and his eyes are shimmering with tears, ready to fall as he fights to hold them back. He looks as if he could use a hug.

Feeling bad for pushing him to this point I slide over to sit by him and wrap my arms around him. “I’m sorry, Andy, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

At this intimate contact, the dam breaks–not the reservoir dam mind you–and his tears start to flow. He also wraps his arms around me and hangs on like a drowning soul. I think that he’ll crush me if we’re not too careful.  At this Laurie joins in for a group hug and we just let him cry out his pent up feelings. My heart really goes out to him. It must be difficult living in a home like that.

After a few minutes he relaxes his grip on me and we all sit back and wipe our tears from our cheeks. What little makeup Laurie is wearing needs repair and I’m sure mine does too. He looks back and forth between the two of us and apologizes for his breakdown.

“It’s okay,” Laurie says. “It’s only obnoxious macho guys that have problems with crying. We girls do it all the time and think that boys should try it more often. It cleanses the soul.”

“I don’t know why I feel so comfortable around you girls,” he says, “but I’ve never told anyone about the troubles at home and I shouldn’t burden you with them.”

“Nonsense,” Laurie says. “That’s what friends are for. We help each other sort things out.”

“It’s just that girls are likely to do it differently than guys,” I add with a glance at Laurie. “And it’s more expensive for girls too. Just look at the makeup that needs repairing.”

This brings a slight smile to everyone’s face. Laurie and I fix our faces before we let Andy to take any more pictures of us.

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As we continue our casual hike, we carry on chatting about our personal goals and aspirations, the gorgeous view, and anything else that comes to mind. We tend to skirt around the Lang family problems as we walk the ridge above the reservoir. Passing a stately oak tree I get the urge to climb it. As Chris I really liked climbing trees. I struggle to reach the first branch–losing a few inches and some upper body strength isn’t helping my cause. Andy offers to help.

Making a foot hold with his hands he says, “Grab my shoulder and step in my hands. It’ll get you to the first branch.”

Following his instructions, I grab his shoulder and feel the strength there beneath his T-shirt as I put my right foot in his hands. Oh no, here comes that gooey, moist, tingly feeling again! He just smiles at me and I notice for the first time what wonderfully warm hazel eyes he has and the realization freezes me in my tracks. I feel myself being drawn into those beautiful eyes. I also notice a scent that is strangely exciting. It must be his ‘guy’ smell. He is looking deeply into my eyes and I see confusion in his eyes as his smile fades away.

“Well,” Laurie breaks the moment, “are you going up or not?”

With a mighty blush, I pull myself up and with a power assist from Andy am almost launched past the big first branch. To cover my embarrassment I scramble higher up in tree to find a comfortable branch to sit on hidden amongst the leaves. One that is far enough from the ground so I can bring–what I can only conclude to be–my raging hormones under control.

I’ve been through the male equivalent of this before. I remember trying to hide the evidence of my arousal more than once when in close proximity to a pretty girl who took my breath away. It took several years of practice to learn how to control the urges so that I didn’t make a total idiot of myself every time I was hit by hormone-driven urges. I found I could control such urges with some effort given to thought control and vigilance. Self-discipline is hard to develop and I don’t have very much time to learn this as a girl. Maybe I can use the same discipline that I used as a boy. I just need some time to recognize the feelings and develop ways to avoid or ease them–at least girls don’t have the obvious outward sign that guys do. Looking down at my chest I see my nipples are more prominent than usual so I guess there are some signs: I ought to wear a padded bra next time. A panty-liner also sounds pretty useful right about now.

“How’s the view up there?” Laurie calls up to me with a grin on her face. “Are you cooling off up there?”

“Why don’t you join me and see for yourself,” I reply sticking my tongue out at her.

“No thanks,” she replies, “I don’t feel like breaking my neck today and I’m not the one getting hot. I could send Andy up to help you down if you like,” she adds innocently.

“I can make down it just fine on my own,” I tell her. I start heading down before she sends him up. I’m not sure how I’d get down if I turn to Jell-O.

Andy is sitting on a log off to one side, sort of hunched over, when I get down.  I recognize the position. The poor boy has something to hide.

“You know,” I say to the group, “I think that it’s time for a refreshment break.” Eating snacks and finding generic topics to discuss slowly bring the two of us off our respective hormonal highs. I make sure to keep Laurie between me and Andy as well–just to be on the safe side.

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There’s no ladies room out on the trail to drag Laurie off to, so I send Andy down the trail around the bend and I drag her off into the bushes where we do our necessary business then have our quick little chat.

“Laurie,” I grudgingly admit to her, “I’ve got a real problem here. I really, really, need you to not make things worse.”

She gives me that I-told-you-so look, “A little problem with hormones, eh? I was wondering when they’d hit.”

“Yes,” I reply, “I feel like I’m thirteen all over again noticing girls–in this case, boys–for the first time. It took me years to get it under control as a boy. I just hope that I can use the same techniques to control the female version. Anyway please be a friend and don’t make it hard for me by pushing us together. Please let me sit in back when we ride home. I don’t know how to deal with this. I just can’t be attracted to boys. I don’t need this right now.”

She looks me in the eyes for a few moments as she decides how to play this.  Finally she says, “Okay, I’ll not play matchmaker. You know he’s having similar problems, don’t you? You should have seen his pants. Only with him, there is something not quite right. I’m not sure what to make of it. It’s as if the thought of being attracted to you is a new and dreadful experience for him. I wonder if he’s gay? That could be why his father made those comments about him.”

“I don’t know what his issues are right now and I really don’t want to know,” I say desperately, “I have my own issues to deal with. Let’s just get through this hike, I am so confused right now–really, really confused. I don’t know which way is up. I need some time to sort this out.”

Laurie carries the conversation for most of the hike back to the car. Both Andy and I are studiously avoiding coming in contact with one another. Our conversation is also heavily guarded. I sense relief on his part when I take the backseat for the ride back. My relief comes when we finally get home.

After a polite, if insincere, “Thank you very much, it was fun, we’ll have to do it again,” I head for my room as quickly as I can, ostensibly to get ready for running. In my rush for privacy I barely acknowledge Aunt Jen. I’m sure that she’s wondering what’s up. I’ll let Laurie handle that one. I need some time to get my head together.

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Running has always been my outlet for the confusion and frustrations that accompany teen life so I am looking forward to this evening’s run–at least I was until Caitlin stopped by to pick me up.

I swear girls must have some kind of emotional radar as she pegged me before I got my seatbelt fastened. A silly grin spreads across her face as she watches me buckle in. “That must have been some hike,” she observes.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say as I bury my face in my hands and lean forward to hide the blush.

“Wow!” she observes, “you’re turning red all over. You’ve got it bad, girl. You can tell your best friend about it. It must be really good.”

When I don’t respond she continues, “That bad, huh? Don’t you hate it when you get a crush that you can’t do anything about?”

“I don’t need this right now,” I tell her waving my hands as if to brush my issues away, “I just want a relaxing summer with no complications. No crushes, no boyfriends, no drama. Just hang out with my new friends, do some work, and have some fun.”

“Yeah, I hear you, girl,” she commiserates with me, “but your body has other plans, doesn’t it? In a lot of ways puberty sucks. Surely you’ve had this problem before. Heck, I’ve had so many crushes since I was eleven that I can’t count ’em. The only one that’s lasted long term is with you-know-who. Yours must be worse than the usual crush. Maybe it’s true love.”

I really don’t need to hear that last statement.

“I don’t know what it is,” I say emphatically, “but it stops now.”

“Sure,” she says without conviction. “Tell that to your body.”

Arriving at the school I am feeling wound really tight and it shows. I get a lot of strange looks as I stretch with a vengeance while waiting for the last runners to arrive. Everyone gives me a wide berth.

“Anyone up for a long hard run?” I challenge the group.

I overhear Dan whisper to Caitlin, “Who killed her dog? She looks ready to rip somebody’s head off.”

She whispers back, “I’d stay out of her way today if I were you.”

I give the two of them a look that could kill an elephant at a hundred paces.

Ben has the courage, or stupidity–depending on your perspective–to ask, “What did you have in mind?”

I take a couple of minutes to outline a ten mile run that has a couple of small hills in it. It was one of my favorite get-it-out-of-your-system runs as Chris. Of course, I used to do that run by myself most of the time. Occasionally Dan would join me but he rarely could keep up with me when I was so pent up.

“How do you know about that run?” Dan asks. After all, you’d have to know the area pretty well to pick this run out by yourself. I can tell that the cogs are turning in his head. “Are you sure that you’re not channeling Chris Quinn?”

Thinking fast, I reply, “Laurie told me about it. She said that Chris told her that it was a good run for clearing his head. She thinks that I can use it right now.” Actually, I don’t think that Laurie knows that much about my running routes. She just knows that I run.

He gives me one of those looks as if things are not really adding up in his mind. After a couple of moments he finally agrees to go with me.

“This isn’t going to be a social event, is it?” he states more than asks.

“Nope,” is my single word reply.

 Nobody else is brave enough so they decide to stick with the originally planned run.

“I’ll wait here for you, girlfriend,” Caitlin informs me. With her eyes she tells me that we really need to talk. Swell. Just what I need–a girly heart-to-heart chat. Not! Right now I just want to deal with this the way I always did as a guy–alone. Too bad no one will let me run alone.

Setting a reasonably fast pace I lead the way from the school. Dan wisely stays quiet as we get into our run. I slip into auto pilot letting my subconscious deal with the traffic issues.

Having experienced puberty before I have a pretty good idea what is going on. I remember the first girl that I had a crush on in middle school. What a fool I’d been. I could hardly think of anything else when she was around and she occupied much of my thoughts when I was somewhere else. I made a fool of myself when I locked up every time she spoke to me or I tried to say something to her. It was a mixture of pleasure and agony. It was also extremely confusing. I was a mess. My dad had picked up on the signs. It was as if he was waiting for it to happen. After a couple of weeks of the agony, he and I went for a weekend backpacking trip in the Sierra Mountains. Sitting on a granite rock overlooking a pristine mountain lake he masterfully drew me into a discussion of the feelings that I was having.

I learned then that such feelings are natural and normal. It happens to everyone. We don’t create the feelings. They just happen. He told me that other girls would have the same effect on me and eventually I would learn how to deal with the feelings. He then helped me to see how managing those feelings through self discipline would keep me from doing something that I would regret for the rest of my life. He explained that eventually I will find someone for whom the feelings go deeper than just sexual urges. He said that the right girl will supplement the physical urges with an emotional and mental closeness which causes the two of us feel like one and experience more happiness than simply acting on the base urges will. He told me that many girls will elicit a sexual response at some level through the years, even after finding the right one. Having the restraint of self discipline, he taught me, will keep me from doing stupid things that will destroy the most important relationship I will ever develop–the relationship with my future wife. He also told me that teens invariably go through extensive intellectual and emotional growth as they morph into adults. The many changes that come with that growth are the reason for the high failure rate of teen romances.  The individuals just change too much and they don’t change together, no matter how much they try.

I didn’t really understand what he was saying at the time–in fact I’m not sure that I do even now–but I trusted him and have found that much of his advice has been right on the mark. I suspect that the rest is probably just as true.

Well, it appears that girls have the same basic problem as boys. I suspect that the same general advice works here as well. The knowledge is great, but–as I discovered last time around–developing control is hard. Really hard. It helped that most of the girls that I fell for didn’t return the feelings. It gave me some time to develop the discipline.

Okay, team, I tell myself and Brain Central, we didn’t ask for these feelings but we can deal with it. We did it before and we can do it again. To experience puberty as a sixteen-year-old girl seems somehow unfair. Sixteen-year-old girls have, for the most part, already developed at least rudimentary coping mechanisms. I wish the sex change process could have built that into my new system. I’ll just have to draw on my male mechanisms, with adaptation, to get through this.

With that bit of thinking behind me I finally admit that Tina and Laurie now have a best girl friends relationship. She doesn’t do anything for me sexually right now. We’ve been hanging out as girl friends for several weeks now and we have developed a special relationship, but not a romantic relationship. The same goes for Tina and Caitlin.  Thinking about it, given the circumstances, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel a bond and closeness with both girls that is sweet and wonderful and one which I will cherish as a memory forever. I know that neither relationship will survive the change back to Chris. Tina will be gone and Chris cannot be ‘best girl friends’ with anyone.

The big question is whether or not Chris can pick up his relationship with Laurie. I can see subtle changes taking place in her already as the summer progresses and there is no doubt but that I’ll be a very different person than I was at the start of the summer. I know that she really looks forward to Chris’s return, but will the long ‘separation’ mean that both of us will change to the point where we’re not compatible anymore? I start to get a sad feeling that my dad is right, that we will both continue to change and end up going our own ways. The thought is enough to bring tears to my eyes, but I have the gut feeling that the changes wrought by this summer will just be too much for us to overcome. I resolve to make the most of our new special relationship while it lasts. I may never have such a chance again.

Okay, now what do I do about Andy? Any relationship that I build with him will evaporate with Tina’s disappearance. Drawing on my past experiences and teachings I resolve to find a way to keep my hormones in check. I have to be strong if I am to avoid heartache for myself and for him. I don’t have the choice to avoid him as I need to do my part for the investigation. I can do this. Briefly, I consider letting Tina do things that Chris would never do–after all Tina will cease to exist soon and won’t have to live with the fall out. I quickly nix this idea since Tina and Chris really are one. Tina’s experiences will contribute to Chris’s character and Chris cannot afford a lapse in character. Tina will just have to represent Chris well. That’s all there is to it.

Finally, I realize that being attracted to a boy seems to bother neither Brain Central nor me, aside from the complicated relationships that are developing which can only end badly. What’s up with that? Only part of this can be chalked up to hormones. I keep hearing that sexual orientation is between your ears and not your legs. I’m no expert on the subject, but I can tell you that Tina is now all girl and reasonably happy to be one. Chris was all boy and happy to be one. Several of the people in the know say that the psych reports on me indicate that I’d be happy either way. I guess that’s true. I wonder how many people are in that boat? Not many I suspect. I also suspect that the change process gave me a physical brain that was one hundred percent female in structure; that, coupled with female hormones can’t help but to have an impact on my emotional and hormonal responses.

As my thought processes wind down I become aware of my surroundings. We’ve completed most of the run without a word between us.

“Feeling better now?” Dan asks, somewhat winded from the pace we’ve been keeping.

“What?” I ask having not been paying much attention. I’m also winded.

“You’ve slacked off the pace a bit and look like you’ve reached some kind of decision,” he observes. “So, do you feel better now?”

“Actually, yeah, I do,” I respond. Looking him over with new eyes, I begin to see what Suzie sees in him. He is a handsome young man. He’s got strong legs and a very cute butt even if he is scrawny like most serious runners. I can smell his sweat and find it a mildly intoxicating. I can feel a little warmth that’s not all due to the run as I observe him. I resolve to not get freaked about this. I am a girl now. I am going to think girl thoughts and I am going to learn some control. He may be a cute guy, but I knew him too well as Chris to go anywhere near a boy-girl relationship with him. “Thanks for running with me, Dan. I really needed this run today.”

“No problem,” he replies as he gets his wind back. “I just thought that you were trying to kill me through most of the run. Did you know that you really burn up the road when you’re in deep thought?”

I just smile. In some ways this is just like old times–well, as old as it gets for a teenager.

“Don’t take this wrong, Tina,” he hesitantly says we continue to slow the pace, “but I almost feel like I’m running with my friend Chris Quinn again. It’s uncanny. I swear that you’re just like him, only in a female package. When he gets upset he does this same run and has the same expression on his face while he does it. Granted he runs a bit faster than you–after all he is a guy–but you run just like him. The only real difference is that you’re shorter and a lot cuter than he is.”

“Don’t get any ideas, buddy,” I give him a warning look. “Suzie is a friend of mine and there is no way I’m going to come between you two.”

“See,” he says in exasperation, “You’re taking it all wrong. I won’t say that you don’t turn me on, but then every cute girl does that to a guy. I just have this déjá  vu feeling like you’re my ‘best bud’. I can’t get romantic with my ‘best bud’. That’d be too strange.”

I know the feeling, I think to myself. If he only knew–

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 Thanks–yet again–to Gabi for her editing prowess.