Something Feels Strange…

"This is sooo cool!" Laurie squeals as we complete the briefing in time for a late lunch. "I just know that we can find the spy. I can hardly wait to get started.  And we get to spend all this time together! Isn't this just the greatest? It is better than I had hoped for."

"Part of the job," Mrs. Harrison says, "is to help Kris blend in as a girl. I think that we are already seeing that it will take more than this week to help him become a believable her, so we need someone who can be around her as much as possible to help coach her and keep her out of trouble. Who better than her favorite cousin?"

I have to admit, that I feel better with this arrangement.  I am starting to doubt my ability to convincingly pull off being a girl without constant supervision.

Chapter 15: Shopping Lessons

"One important thing you need to know about clothes shopping," Laurie explains, "is that shopping does not necessarily mean buying."

Okay, I kind of got that idea from watching my mom and sisters disappear for whole days and coming back with only one or two items. It has always been confusing to me as to why that is.  I only go into a store if I know what it is I'm looking for.  Once there, I find whatever it is I am looking for, purchase it and leave.  It seems simple enough.

"Think of it," Mom Polly says, "as recreation–kind of like playing video games. For girls, shopping is like playing with dolls; you're looking for the perfect outfit to make the doll–or in this case, yourself–look just right for a given occasion. The goal is to discover just the right item, or items, that will make you look good. The options are endless and you get to express yourself in what you wear. To achieve your goal, you have to look at, try on, and compare all the available options."

This sounds deeper than just grabbing a pair of jeans and heading to the checkout register. The process seems downright philosophical. On consideration, while I've never really liked shopping, I can sort of see where finding the right look for a girl could be more interesting than looking for the right look for a guy. The right look for a guy is easy to achieve. Not so for a girl. it's like trying to solve a puzzle which has many possible solutions. Also, everyone likes it when a girl looks nice and girls seem to enjoy looking good. If I was a girl, I'd rather look my best than be a slob. Oops, I am a girl!

Aunt Jen weighs in. "What we did that first time was not true shopping.  That was more like guy shopping. Go in get what you need and leave. We had to find a whole lot of things in a short time, so it was rushed and not well thought out, though I think we did a respectable job. Today we'll be able to take our time and do some shopping for all of us."

Well, I know pretty well what is happening the rest of the afternoon.  I can't remember ever spending more than half an hour in a clothing store when shopping for myself before my first girl experience.  We've got at least three hours to kill before we need to get back to the house to fix dinner. Can it really take that much time?

"You're going to find there are so many more options when you're a girl," Laurie enthuses, "I think that you're going to find this fun. Just focus on making yourself look like the girl you want to be." As if I wanted to be any type of a girl.

I may have mentioned this before, but while I've always appreciated a well-dressed girl, I've never really analyzed what makes her that way.  It's kind of like looking at a painting–most people know what they like without really knowing what makes it that way.  Few people pay attention to the detail and technique. They just look at the whole package, and let the artist worry about the details.

Now, being on the other side of the fence, it's apparent that girls are artists who worry about the details. If outfitting a girl is like a work of art, it takes time and practice to become a good artist. I think about how clumsy my few attempts at 'artwork' look. I've not invested the time nor learned the principles that would make my work appealing.  Now, it appears, is time for a crash course in the basics in the art of assembling a feminine wardrobe.

Thinking about all the girls I know, I realize each one has a varying degree of skill in choosing clothes.  There are many girls who don't do a good job and they don't look very appealing. Others always look hot.  In between the two extremes are the majority. Presumably as a tomboy, I suspect I'm not going to be expected to be an expert in looking hot, so that makes things easier. Sadly, I think my three trainers are going to take me as far as they can beyond basics in the time available.

I'm not sure that this is shaping up to be the fun Laurie is promising.

The discussion turns to the kind of look we're trying to achieve for me. Given my cover background, we–I do get to have a say in this–decide girly girl is out. So is the slut look, so we can forget micro-mini skirts and tight revealing tops. I don't care much for the cheerleader look either. Also, I can skip on the dowdy bookworm look. None of those would fit with the desired tomboy look. Extreme tomboy is probably not quite right either. We settle for the look of a tomboy who enjoys the outdoors but is starting to discover a little femininity. This means some outdoor style clothes plus a few simple mid-length and longer loose skirts and nice tops.

With this in mind, we pull into the parking lot at REI–a major outdoor outfitter chain. Entering into the store, we're confronted by rows of mountain bikes, many types of canoes and kayaks hanging from the ceiling, rows of tents, and walls full of backpacks and accessories. This is my kind of place. You can tell Aunt Jen and Laurie seem disappointed, but Mom Polly assures them it's just the place for outfitting the outdoor girl.

She leads us upstairs to an area where outdoor clothing and shoes are sold. As we enter the women's section, I get the urge to hang back on the periphery like I would do as a guy. Brain central is still not completely with the program.  Seeing my hesitation, Laurie takes me by the hand and encourages me to start looking at clothes. I look around to make sure people aren't staring at me. No one seems to give me a second glance.

We start by looking at pants. Apparently, Alaska outdoor girls must have a non-cotton pair of convertible pants–pants where you can unzip and remove the legs, making them shorts. Non-cotton is important because cotton clothes don't do well in wet cold weather–not that we've seen any of that kind of weather yet. There are a number of options to choose from in fabrics with strange names. I try on pretty much all the available options.  There's no rush, so my instructors include me in the discussion of how things fit and look. They point out how different colors and styles can make a girl look slimmer or fatter. Laurie leans toward a pair of 'Fossil' colored–off-white in my estimation–pants but Mom Polly says they would get too dirty if actually used in the outdoors. Those, she says, are good for outdoor wannabes. The best color for true outdoor use would be the 'Marsh Green'–looks like green to me–but I really like a pair with cargo pockets in 'Boxwood'–kind of a grey green. When I return to being a guy, I reckon I'm going to have to get a pair of the male version of these. They are lightweight and comfortable.

I am amazed at the process of selecting a single pair of pants has taken over an hour. Given, in the process we looked at and tried on a few tops with each of the various options. I wasn't the only one getting into the act. Laurie probably tried on as many things as I did and our elders also tried on a few things. We got some help from the sales staff, but for the most part they stayed in the wings to answer technical questions about fabrics and care.

In addition to the pants, I find two tops I like. One is a girl's sleeveless T-shirt, the other a long sleeve pullover top with a Y neck, Ash Green, with a hood and embroidery on the front. It is in a lightweight fabric that's reputed to dry quickly if it gets wet, wicks moisture away from the skin and stretches in four directions. The sleeves can be rolled up and secured in a half sleeve length. As you might guess, I really like the top.

REI doesn't have much in the way of skirts and dresses, and what they do have is pretty utilitarian. You are not going to find high fashion here. We try on a few of the offerings but don't find anything that really works for any of us.

In the end, Laurie picks the pair of the Fossil colored cargo pants, because they looked great on her. She's not that big of an outdoor enthusiast anyway. I end up with two pairs of pants–one in Marsh Green and the other in Boxwood–and the two tops. Aunt Jen found a top that she likes, but Mom Polly doesn't find anything that she wants to purchase today.

One of the sales girls suggests that, if we're going to get into the outdoor scene, we ought to check out the panties made for active outdoor activities.  She says they stay put better than your department store lingerie and come in fabrics especially made for wicking moisture and for the extra stretch needed for outdoor activities. She tells us they hold up better than plain cotton.  At $15 and more per pair, I'm starting to think this gal must be working on commission, but I end up with a couple of pair of hipster style in plain white–I'm not quite ready for fancy colors and styles yet.

Realizing that my shoe options are pretty thin, we spend some time picking through the outdoor shoe offerings. There is nothing particularly fashionable here, but I pick up a pair of hiking boots made from a special lightweight waterproof fabric and a few pairs of hiking socks. The boots look great with my new pants and will be much more practical if I get to go hiking.

While we are doing this, Laurie and I trade my cell phone back and forth taking pictures of each other and trying our skills at discreetly photographing other customers and the staff.  One sales girl caught me shooting a picture of a little girl shopping with her mother and commented on how cute the girl was.  It'll take a lot of practice to learn how to shoot pictures unobtrusively.

At the checkout, Mom Polly has me get my own REI membership.  After all, she tells me, all outdoors women are regulars at REI.

I reflect on the past couple of hours and realize it passed pretty quickly. At first, I was dreading the experience as being tedious, but I realize my perspective shifted as I got into it. Shopping as a girl IS different than shopping as a guy. Few guys worry about the finer points of looking good and there's not much to work with when they do. I know guys like girls to look good, but leave it up the girl to figure out how to do it. I suspect if a guy had to play dress-up-the-girl, they would spend even more time at it than a girl would to get something that looks right.

As the afternoon progressed, it became apparent much of the shopping could be classified as research. Even the natural women often seemed more interested in learning about the clothes than actually buying them, the information being cataloged and stored for future possible need.

When you're the girl that's being dressed up your perspective changes. Even my male mind knows it's important for a girl to look nice. Once the connection has been made between me and the girl in the mirror, the responsibility for making the girl look nice has shifted to me. It has become personally important for Brain Central to look out for the girl's best interests. I now have a vested interest in learning how to dress this girl for the best effect. It's not as easy as it looks.

With this new perspective, and without the pressure of a time crunch, the shopping doesn't turn out to be too bad. I learn a lot from helping the other three find things that look good on them. We debate the pros and cons of the various outfits and I learn more about the many things to consider when choosing the right attire. I learn that subtle changes in cut and fit can send drastically different messages about the person wearing the clothes. It's going to take lots of practice to learn all the nuances.

Mind you, I think I'd still prefer to go for a hike than go shopping, but the experience is not unpleasant. A side benefit is I get to know the ladies better in an environment they obviously enjoy. Even Aunt Jen is more personable when not fixated on a goal that has to be accomplished in a short time. She also seems to really enjoy the time spent with her sister. All sorts of stories of their girlhood slip out as the day progresses.

On reflection, I realize the biggest lesson learned at REI is that dressing as a girl is a lot more interesting than dressing as a guy. It's worth taking the time to do it right. I'm pretty sure, that when I return to my old self, my old shopping habits will return because there's just not any real challenge to dressing as a guy. In the meantime, I find I like shopping as a girl because it really makes a difference. I'm sure it'll get even better as I continue to learn about what we're shopping for and the techniques for doing it.

We still have a least an hour before needing to return home, so we stop in at the local Sears store down the street.

The girls' clothing selection seems infinitely larger than that which we found at REI.  It's a lot like that first night of girl shopping in California. Overwhelming is the term that comes to mind.

The goal at Sears is to begin finding clothes appropriate for work. The lab is a professional environment, but not business professional. Aunt Jen explains that while the office staff and support personnel tend to dress on the nice side of casual, many of the researchers have been known to show up in jeans and casual shirts. Most scientists aren't slaves to fashion.

In our case, Aunt Jen strongly recommends against wearing jeans or my new cargo pants to work. She thinks Laurie and I need a couple of light casual skirts and nice tops that are neither tight nor revealing. A few pairs of nice slacks will also be needed. I've enough clothes to get started with so most of the work clothes can be purchased once we return to California, but now is a good time to do some research so we can begin thinking about what to get.

We spend our time working our way through just a few racks of skirts and tops. We barely work our way into the store before it's time to leave, but in that time, I probably tried on half a dozen items. What is nice, is they were all items I chose. My instructors decided to see what I can do on my own. They offer comments on each selection and help me to learn what to look for.

We leave Sears without having spent a cent, but it feels as if it was a productive experience.

Before leaving the little mall where Sears is located we stop in a small bookstore and pick up a couple of teen magazines for me to study.

We get home about the same time as the Major. We all work together to pull together a quick dinner.  I help the Major with the moose burgers–yes, that is burgers made with moose meat. I'm told they are pretty common in Alaska. The moose is the result of a hunt last fall.

"So," the Major asks, "how are the 'girl lessons' going?"

I guess I should have expected this question.  It creates a problem for me, though, because I don't know how to answer it. I feel as if I'm stuck between two worlds right now. How do you explain to a guy about the realizations that have dawned in my mind today in a way he can understand them? Women have had trouble getting men to understand girl things for all time in just the same way that men have been similarly unsuccessful at explaining their motivations to women. Neither has the frame of reference necessary to fully appreciate the other's point of view. In my strange state, I still understand male views but am starting to see things differently now that I'm in a female package. It would seem that the body we inhabit may have a lot to do with how we see the world.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "I think I'm starting to see things differently now. I'm still trying to resolve the changes. From a practical standpoint, the ladies have been on me all day about little mistakes. I think the constant review is having an impact. The mistakes seem to be less noticeable, but I'm still a long way from being natural."

"What's different besides the body?" he asks with curiosity.

"I think the need to act naturally as a girl is overriding my discomfort with being a girl, if that makes sense," I say.

"Now you're talking like a girl," he laughs. "You are talking in a code that doesn't quite make sense, but maybe it does."

"I don't think anyone will understand me because I'm caught between two worlds and am confused by the unique perspectives of each," I say. "I'm still in transition, mentally."

"Whoa, that's pretty deep," he observes.

"Maybe it is," I say, "but I'm coming to realize I need to think like a girl to act like a girl. Our thoughts drive our actions. Thinking like a girl is probably easier when you have the equipment of a girl so, as I have to do things as a girl, I think I'm coming to understand why they do some of the things they do. I don't think I could have done this as well if I'd remained a guy and just been convincingly dressed as a girl and let loose.

"I supposed a guy who's transgendered sees himself as a girl in a boy's body and has already developed the thought patterns that let him act convincingly as a girl.  I haven't had that benefit, so I've got to learn in a crash course. I'm sure it really helps to have the full body to work with.

"Anyway, to get back to your first question, I think I made some progress today. The main progress is coming to the realization I have to think like a girl to survive in this body and pull off my assignment. I'm starting to see myself as a girl to some extent now. I didn't yesterday. The ladies have been a great help to me. I still have a long way to go, but I think I'm heading in the right direction."

"You do seem more comfortable in the role today," he observes, "but I can still see some of the guy in the way you carry yourself. I can probably still see it since I'm looking for it. If you keep making the same progress you did today, you should be in pretty good shape by the end of the week.

"On another subject," he changes gears, "how was the run today?"

"That went much better," I tell him. "Mrs. Harrison noticed some of the same things you did and gave me some good advice on how to run so that my body works better. I never would've thought having breasts and wide hips would make such a difference in running style.  The good news is, while I can't run as fast as I could before, I still can cover a good distance without getting wiped out.  As a matter of fact, I think this body is even better suited for distance running than my male body. I breathe better and my legs seem to not be strained at all. It's a great feeling. A couple of more runs and I should have it down. I hope I can get in more runs before I leave."

"There's a big marathon being run here on Saturday," he says. "Why don't you try the half marathon? They have a five mile race too. I think you can still register."

"I don't know about the half marathon since I haven't run that far in this body yet and my shoes are still brand new, but the five miler sounds good," I say.

"I think I can get Private Clawson–Helen–to run with you again, particularly if I give her some time off to do it," he says. "Would you mind running with her again? I'd prefer if you don't run alone while you're here."

"I'd like that," I tell him. "I don't think I'll be as much of a disappointment this time."

He laughs, "Just tell her you finally got the new shoes broken in."

At dinner, we discuss the remaining schedule for the week.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, we have a driving tour to the south planned. I need to know what the region looks like. Even the Major is going to be coming along. Too bad Tom is working or this would be a real family outing.

I ask about running, and it's suggested that I do it early in the morning.  The sun never goes much below the horizon this time of year and actually comes up somewhere around 3:30am, so early can be real early, if I like. The Major provides me with Helen's phone number so that I can call her after dinner.

Thursday morning is pretty open, so the time will be used for more girl research and training. In the afternoon, Laurie and I are going out with Ashley and a couple of her friends. That will be a real test to see how I fit in with my peer group.

On Friday, we will do another road trip to the north this time. There are only two roads into or out of Anchorage–one goes north and the other south. If we return in time, Laurie and I will go out for pizza and a movie with Tom, Ashley, and friends. I'm persuaded this won't be a date, just a time to get to know the local kids and what they like to do.

Saturday we will do the marathon run in the morning. The afternoon is pretty open at this point.  Our flight for home leaves at the ungodly hour of 1:30am on Sunday morning. Apparently, this is a busy time at the local airport.

After cleaning up from dinner I try out my new cell phone by calling Helen to see about doing some more running with her. She is agreeable, particularly when I tell her about the Major's offer for release time from work. She suggests we start around 7:30am for the next couple of days. When I ask about the marathon, she tells me tomorrow is the last day to register and there are several options that are less than the full marathon. She is running with a relay team. She cautiously asks about my run today and I told her I've broken in the new shoes and things are much better and I tell her the distance and time of today's run.  She seems relieved to hear that my running is better. We agree on a place to meet in the morning after Mom Polly agrees to let me borrow her Subaru.

After talking with Helen, I ask Aunt Jen if I can check in with the Quinn family. We decide it's best to use her cell phone so as to hide the connection between me and my family until we're reintroduced. I go out on the back deck to make the call.

My mother answers the phone. "Hi, Mrs. Quinn," I say.

"Hi, Kris," she responds. "Is everything all right?"

"Things are okay," I tell her, "at least I've gotten to go running a couple of times and will get to run part of a marathon this weekend. I just wanted to call and check in."

"It's wonderful to hear from you, sweetheart," she says, "but you must be careful about calling us. We must be absolutely sure that no one catches on to the plan or this will all be for nothing. If we have to give you up for the summer, at least it should be for some good. How are you getting along with your new family?"

"They are great," I tell her. "They are very friendly and helpful. They are good people and I like them."

She seems to sense that I'm not completely upbeat so I tell her that I still have a lot to learn about being a girl and how the Jeffers saw through my disguise. She asked how I was getting along with Laurie so I said that we had a chance to work through things but that we still had some details to figure out in our new relationship. Mom sounded relieved that we are resolving our issues.

As for family news, she and dad miss me already. Marla is happy to have the house without sibling competition, but that may come to an end because Tiff's summer job at college is not working out so she might be coming home for the rest of the summer.

Dad is not home, so I don't get a chance to talk with him, but it's good to talk with mom, even if I did leave only a couple of days ago.

We chat for about twenty minutes before saying our goodbyes.  We agree that I probably shouldn't call again until we get introduced after my arrival in California.

The rest of the evening is spent with another pajama movie party. Tonight's offering is Ice Princess. It's a great story about a young girl who follows her dream in spite of pressures to do the wise thing. You should see it if you haven't. Even the male in me could appreciate her strength of character and the kind, but loving way, she stood up to her domineering mother.  Her approach to achieving her dream was different from what a guy would do. There was also the element of ruthless female competition that, I'm told, I need to be aware of. We spent some time talking about the differences between a typical male versus typical female approach to dealing with problems before everyone headed to bed.

"Kris," Laurie comments, "you did much better today. Once you caught on to the shopping concepts, you were almost like any other girl. You're not quite as enthusiastic about it as the rest of us, but then again there are plenty of girls that aren't.  At least you're not acting like a guy–you know, standing around trying to hurry us along or fading into the woodwork. With a little more knowledge about girl's clothes you'll fit right in."

"I'm feeling more comfortable," I admit, "but I'm worried that there's so much more to learn. I'm still very nervous about making a mistake. I also still feel as if I'm invading space where I don't belong when we're looking at girls' clothes. I keep expecting someone to ask me what a guy like me is doing looking at panties. Thursday's shopping trip with Ashley has me worried and so does going out Friday night."

"Don't worry about it," she assures me, "you're doing so much better and we have more practice time before then. Remember, I'll be there with you. Let me know if you start to panic and I'll help you get through it. These things are necessary parts of your training. I think you should relax and enjoy the experience, besides this will be a fun job."

"There are some real side benefits to this new job," I admit.

"Such as?" she asks.

"I'm learning all the secret girl tricks for fooling and influencing guys," I smile. "I won't be such a push over when I return to being me. You won't be able to play those tricks on me anymore."

"Don't be so sure about that," she says while giving me sad puppy-dog eyes.

I hate it when she does that!

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Thank you Gabi for all your great suggestions.
And thank you to you readers who have sent me your thoughts. I may not use them, but they help!