Something Feels Strange…

"But we're just friends," I mutter.

"Yeah," she smiles, "get used to it, when you're a girl, it's hard to be 'just friends' with any guy you didn't grow up with. They all get the wrong idea. If you want to flirt with a guy though, don't worry, I won't get jealous. I know Chris'll be back at the end of the summer and, somehow, I don't see Tina stealing my Chris from me."

Chapter 17: Odds & Ends

After leaving the visitor's center we head back towards Anchorage with a stop off in a local ski town, Girdwood. We walk around looking at the few shops open for the summer tourists before going to dinner at a popular local restaurant.

In one of the gift shops, Mom Polly buys me a pair of earrings shaped like puffins. They are not the dangly earrings that I'd like to get, but I think they're quite cute and very Alaskan. The shop had a pair of dangly 'moose nugget' earrings which Laurie tries to get me to purchase, but wearing moose droppings just doesn't excite me–they are weird. I do, however, get a pair of Alaska jade earrings in a tear drop shape that look pretty nice. They are also expensive–the Lab is paying for this so I might as well get something nice. I don't think that I should let the security team off cheap–they owe me. Not to mention they'll make a nice present for Laurie when this is all over.

We get back to the house a little after 9 o'clock. Tom is out with Ashley tonight so we have the house to ourselves again. The strange thing is, since the sun is still high in the sky, it still feels as if it is mid-afternoon. In the three days I've been here, I've yet to see darkness. That just seems wrong somehow.

After getting ready for bed we decide to skip on the movie tonight–thank goodness! I don't know if I could handle another girl movie tonight though I did find the last two more fun than I would have thought. I think that the reason that they were more interesting is that I was viewing them as training films. I found myself paying more attention to the details–clothes, hair, makeup, attitudes, and the like–than I might otherwise. I still like a good action adventure film better.

Sitting on our bed together Laurie is showing me the finer points of applying nail polish. It is an involved process. She shows me how to clean off the old polish then extracts about half a dozen colors out of her makeup bag for us to choose from. She shows me how to do my own fingers and offers tips as I start to mess things up. I try several times before getting it close to right.

After working on my fingers she does my toes and has me do hers. Aside from the smell of acetone we have a pretty good time chatting while we work. We also listen to the recording of our conversations on the boat that we took with the cell phone.

"See," she says, "didn't you notice how nervous Joey sounds at times? He must have put his foot in his mouth at least a half dozen times."

"So," I say, "the guy has a hard time talking. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal," she says patiently, "is that Joey was nervous as hell. He has it bad for you, girl. I bet that you'll have a message from him if we fire up the computer and check your email."

While we are waiting for the paint on our toenails to dry we boot up the laptop and connect with the Jeffers' wireless router. Sure enough, there is an email from Joey with the group picture attached. It is a nice picture of the five of us with the glacier in the background.  There is also a nice candid portrait of me gazing at the scenery which I don't remember him taking.

Seeing myself as Joey must see me is unsettling. I am still not used to looking in the mirror as Kristina so my first impression of the picture is that the girl looks pretty hot. Then I connect–she is me! Brain central is scrambling in confusion. It doesn't know what message to send. It feels as if it losing its grip on me. Like a man dangling from a cliff desperately trying to hold on to his rescuer's hand, brain central feebly screams: You're a boy! That is not really you. Somehow brain central doesn't really sound convinced by its own statement. I can feel the grip on what's left of my maleness slipping away.

After all, here I sit on a bed wearing a girl's nightshirt, with a beautiful girl in her nightshirt, painting our toenails, talking about boys and looking an email from a male admirer. And, most distressing to me is the fact that I am enjoying the experience–for the most part.

Like the man hanging from the cliff, I am afraid of the ramifications of letting go.

The only thing helping me hold on at this point is the fact that this is all temporary. I will be pulled back to safety in a couple of months. Things will go back to normal.

Or will they?

What is normal anyway?

Laurie notices me staring at the picture and brings me back to the real world. "You look pretty in that picture, don't you?"

"Is that really me?" I ask in wonder.

"Yes it is, sweetie," she replies, "you're a regular heartbreaker. Hey, why don't you make that group picture your desktop image? After all, you should have something that shows you having fun in Alaska."

"I like the one of  you and me in front of the tour boat better," I say. We had the Major take the image with my cell phone. We look like best girl friends, with our arms around each other and smiling. Laurie looks stunning in the picture. I guess I don't look too bad either. "I'll use that one."

Joey wants to know if I've found out yet which leg of the race I'll be running on Saturday. He said that they might come to watch.

Maybe Laurie is right about Joey. He is a nice guy but I need to end this–NOW. I can't have some guy following me around like a sick puppy.

"How do I get him to be just a friend?" I ask. I am way out of my depth here. Heck I had a hard enough time dealing with boy/girl interaction as a boy. I am totally unprepared to deal with this from the other side of the fence. I can't even find any of my past boy experiences that will help me with this one. The few girls that I've had a crush on over the years, with the exception of Laurie, have all put me down pretty hard.  It wasn't fun.

"That is not easy to do," she says. "Once a boy is bitten by the love bug he can be very hard to get rid of. You can play it nice and emphasize the let's-just-be-friends idea, you can ignore him, or you can be direct and tell him to get lost. It all depends on how you want to look. You might have to act like a bitch and use the direct approach if the nice approaches don't work. Sometimes, guys just don't get the hint no matter what you do. You are lucky that you will be gone in a couple of days and he can't follow you."

I decide to reply to his email, thanking him for the images and letting him know that I enjoyed making a new friend, just like all my other friends. I don't mention the race at all. Maybe he'll get the hint that I don't want him following me around. It is best if we make the break now. I wish him the best and sign off.

"That was pretty subtle," Laurie observes. "I don't think that he'll get the message."

"As a guy," I inform her, "I've never appreciated girls getting nasty just because I wanted to be friendly. I still think that he is just being nice."

"I think that poor Joey is in love," she states dramatically holding her hands over her heart. "We'll see what you think about 'being nice' after you've been hit on by every guy in sight. You might get a little bitchy too. Being hit on all the time can get pretty old pretty fast. You're cute so it won't take long for you to see what I mean."

Oh joy! Something to look forward to.

---< >---

I am the first one to the park this morning. As I am stretching two rather fit looking guys in exercise clothing and sporting military haircuts approach me. A quick check of my surroundings show that there are other people nearby but I don't know these guys and am wary. 

"Hi, Kristina," one of them says. The voice sounds familiar.

"Who are you?" I ask, looking for an escape route.

"I'm Carl and this is Manuel," he says by way of introduction. "We were on your protection team the other day. Helen says that she recruited you for our relay team this weekend so we thought we'd come check you out."

Now that last statement could have a double meaning.  I'll have to watch these guys.

"Hey, Chica," Manuel says in greeting. "Need any more bug dope?"

Helen didn't tell me who was on the race team and I didn't think to ask. "Sorry, I didn't recognize you without your weapons."

While these guys look pretty fit neither of them looks like a distance runner. I guess the Army trains these guys in all-round fitness–not a specialty like distance running.

Helen shows up at this point in the conversation, "I see you've met the rest of the team, Kristina. They wanted to run with you today to see if you are as good as I said you are. Why don't we see if these two jocks can keep up with a couple of girls?"

The guys just roll their eyes. "No problemo, Killer," says Manuel.

I look questioningly at Helen, "Killer?"

"Don't ask, Princess," she replies. Pointing to Manuel she says, "This one is called Jalapeno, the other we call Spud."

They guys pick up on the 'Princess' nickname and it sticks–unfortunately.

We end up running eight miles. While the guys have great endurance they are not fast. Helen and I have no trouble beating them back to the car when we decide to make a race out of the last couple of miles. Even though Helen left me in the dust on the very last mile it was a good run.

While we are cooling down we discuss the race and decide that each of us will only do a short easy run on our own tomorrow in preparation. We also decide that Carl–Spud–will do the first leg of the race, Helen–Killer–will run the second leg which is the longest and most difficult, I–Princess–will do the third leg, and Manuel–Jalapeno–will finish the race on the short five mile last leg. Killer will pick up the bibs the day before and we will get ours from her when we meet up just before the race. Those not running will ferry between the relay exchange points in Spud's SUV. Since we are registered for the military service division we agree to wear our Airborne T-shirts as our unofficial uniform. I don't need to worry about getting lost on the course as it is well marked and there will be almost four thousand runners starting the race so there should be people to follow. Regardless, I intend to study the race route map before Saturday. I am looking forward to the race since it will be–almost–a return to normal for me.

---< >---

Returning to the house I find that Laurie is monopolizing the bathroom. Knocking on the door I ask, "Is everything alright in there?"

I get back a short, "No!" She does not sound happy.

Surprised, I ask if I can help.

"If you want to help you can bring me a tampon or a sanitary pad," she says through the door. "I also need a fresh pair of panties from my underwear drawer." She doesn't sound happy.

I find the required objects in our room and take them across the hall to the bathroom. Not knowing what she prefers I brought her both a pad and a tampon. Knocking on the door I inform her that I have her supplies and she invites me to bring them in.

Cautiously, I open the door to find her sitting on the toilet with a towel over her lap.  A pair of blood stained panties are soaking in cold water in the sink. Laurie looks very unhappy.

"Welcome to the 'glamorous' side of being a girl," she says sarcastically. "I wasn't expecting this for several more days."

Doc Hilary gave me the big talk about periods on the flight up but that was all academic. Seeing Laurie sitting there brings it home to me that this will be happening to me–and very soon too!

Not knowing what to say, I leave her with her supplies and skedaddle out of the room.

A few minutes later Laurie comes to the bedroom carrying the wrung out panties and her shorts. She is wearing a towel around her waist.

"Sorry about that, Tina," she apologizes. "I just hate being caught off guard."

"Does it hurt?" I ask.

"No–at least not this time," she replies. "My periods have been a little irregular. Sometimes I get cramps that hurt like hell but today I was thinking that I only had a mildly upset stomach from something I ate. The worst part is dealing with the blood. Blood is yucky. I expect that you'll be finding out what it's like before too long."

I had told her yesterday about my medical exam and the fact that my period was not too far off. 

"How can you function with this happening?" I ask.

"You have to remember, Kris," she continues, "that I've had this happen to me every month that I have known you. Your mother and sisters also have this happen monthly. Do you ever see them slow down because of it? I imagine that most of the time you never even have a clue when any of us are on the rag. It is pretty personal and we are pretty good about keeping it undercover–especially from guys. You just learn to live with it."

"Well, I'm getting a bit apprehensive about getting mine," I tell her.

"We are all apprehensive the first time," she says, "but you've actually had more instruction than some girls get.  Heck you even know that it's imminent. My first time was a total surprise. You may not know exactly when it will happen for you but at least you know that it will happen soon and can be ready for it."

"I guess," I respond unconvinced. "I just hope that it doesn't happen at a bad time."

"There is never a good time," Laurie laughs. "That's why we keep track of the timing.  I usually start wearing pads when I think that mine is about to come so that I don't end up with the big mess you just saw. Why don't you start wearing one now so that you can get used to the feel of them? We need to go buy you some soon. I wouldn't try tampons until you have too."

"Can you show me how?" I ask.

"Sure. We can do it after your shower," she replies. "Can I have a few minutes to get dressed?"

"Oh, yeah," I reply. "Let me grab my shower stuff and I'll be out of here."

Unfortunately, Tom has taken over the shower room, so I drop my stuff outside the door and wander downstairs.

Picking up the copy of Seventeen I spend twenty minutes studying current girls' fashions and hair style tips while waiting for Tom to get out of the shower.

By the time I return to our room after my shower, Laurie is looking to be in much better shape than she was earlier.

She hands me a curved shape piece of paper padding and tells me that it a panty liner. These are, she tells me, used for light discharge days, not for full on periods. Apparently there are days other than periods when there is discharge down below and these help keep things under control.  What a hassle! 

"Tear off the cover strip on the back," she instructs me, "then just stick it to the crotch of your panties.  Make sure that you center it well and don't put it too far forward or backward.  It needs to fit as comfortably as possible in your crotch and be centered on your vagina."

Okay, so I do have some feel for where my vagina is, so I  ask her to turn around as I drop my jeans and panties.  It takes a little adjustment until I get it reasonably right. The liner is not particularly comfortable but at least it is bearable. I still can't get over having nothing in the way down there. It feels so foreign to be able to run my hand over my crotch and feel nothing but smoothness.

"This feels sooo strange," I comment.

"Don't worry, Tina," she says, "you'll get used to it soon enough."

"It's not exactly comfortable," I observe.

"You're right," she grins, "but it is a lot more comfortable than a bloody mess. You need to remember to change the pad often when things start flowing. They only hold so much, you know, and they become soggy feeling. Real sanitary pads are more bulky and even less comfortable."

"When do you use tampons?" I ask. "Are they more comfortable?"

"Tampons are a pain to insert," she says. "What is good about them is that they keep everything inside of you and they don't move around like a pad does when you are being active. There is less chance for leakage. They are a good choice when you are being active–like running or swimming–during your period. They are not as noticeable and harder to remember to change. They're not really too bad, but I don't like dealing with them if I don't have too. And, before you ask, Tina, I won't show you how to insert one. You are going to have to read the box and try it yourself. It's not that hard."

"Oh," I say, "What's with the Tina stuff?"

"I hope you don't mind," she replies cautiously, "but I got thinking about yesterday and thought calling you Tina will help me to see you more as a girl than as a boy in girl's body when we are interacting girl to girl. I don't mind talking with a girl about periods but it is embarrassing to talk with my boyfriend about them in this detail.  Is that all right?"

I've been thinking about the Tina thing too. Thinking of myself as Tina might help me to change my perspective so that I can start thinking and acting like a real girl.

"Sure," I reply, "I can live with that."

"Thanks," she says as she gives me a friendly hug. I miss the friendly kiss that I used to get from her after we've come to some agreement.

---< >---

Tom is waiting for us when we arrive downstairs. 

"Hey, girls," he says, "Ashley called to say that she will be by about one o'clock to pick you up. You'll meet up with the rest of the gang at the mall. I don't know what you girls see in shopping but I hope that you have fun. About tomorrow night, a bunch of us from the swim team have decided to check out a flick at the Bear Tooth Theatre. While we don't have dates, per se, for you there will be several guys and girls there without dates so you should fit in quite nicely."

I feel VERY relieved to know that I don't have a blind date tomorrow night. I can handle hanging out with a group of teens. Being paired up with some guy freaks me out. As the week is progressing it seems that small miracles are bursting out all over. I don't want to repeat last weekend for a long time! Being constantly off balance is not fun. Now it feels as if I am starting to get a little traction and it is a good feeling.

"No problem," Laurie says. "After all, I have a boyfriend back home and it would be hard to explain to him that I was going out on a date with someone else. We have a special bond," she winks at me, "and somehow I think that he would figure it out if I were to date someone else."

As Chris, I also have someone special in my life, however as 'Tina' I only have a good best girl friend. An interesting thought crosses my mind: if I date as Tina will Laurie see that as being different than Chris dating someone else?  I could develop a split personality if I'm not too careful.

"I'm not really the dating type anyway," I say, "but I do like hanging out with friends."

He goes on to tell us about the Bears Tooth Theatrepub.  It is trendy theatre/restaurant–you order your food before going into the theatre and they bring it in to you when it is ready. They have some pretty unique pizzas and sandwiches to choose from. Every seat is at a table where you eat while you watch the movie. They show a variety of films from really old, to locally produced, to independent, to recently run. They rarely show a movie more than twice. Tomorrow's film is the most recent James Bond flick which has been out of the theatres for some time now.

"I've seen that one," I tell him, "but would love to see it again."

Laurie doesn't seem so thrilled but is amenable to the proposition. I think that the draw for her is meeting and hanging out with the local kids.

"We'll have to get there early to get a good seat so we need to make sure that we get back from our expedition tomorrow in time," he says. Tom is traveling with us tomorrow since he has the day off.

Over the next hour, Laurie and I spend time quizzing him about life in Alaska. The stories of the dark and cold of winter make us happy to be Californians. He assures us that it is actually quite fun–if you are prepared for it. He has actually gone camping in subzero–Fahrenheit–temperatures!

As the conversation progresses it becomes clear to me that Tom and I would have made great friends had things been different. My temporary physical gender and the lack of time get in the way of that now. Some of his adventures sound intriguing and I would like to try some of them.  I make a mental note to come back to Alaska when I have time for some outdoor adventure–as a guy.

Yes... I like Tom. He is a good guy and comfortable to be around. Throughout the conversation Laurie has to send me silent signals to remind me to not slip back into boy mode while we talk. I find myself slipping back towards guy mode as we relax around each other. I think Tom likes talking to a girl who acts more like a guy–he is obviously not trying to impress me, just normal guy to guy talk.  It feels good.

---< >---

Thanks again to Gabi who continues to teach me about writing.