Air Force Sweetheart -- TacPzlSolGp Chap. 09/34

Printer-friendly version
Air Force Sweetheart
TacPzlSolGp
Chapter 09/34

by T. D. Aldoennetti

previously read:

Upstairs, we tell them we have two gowns selected downstairs and are up to look at furs. They call down and receive the tentative ticket number and total value of the gowns then we begin.

“Have you owned a good fur before?”

“No. These will be my first. I need them, as I will be attending a large number of social functions during the next year.”

“I see. Perhaps we should look at the various furs and learn the differences in texture and care before you make a decision as to those you would like. We should also go into the styles in which they are available, such as capes, jackets and coats, short or long.”


 
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf by T D Aldoennetti on Mon, 2008/11/03 - 7:47am., Air Force Sweetheart -- TacPzlSolGp Chapter 9 is revised and reposted on Fri, 2009/12/11 - 08:23 AM. ~Sephrena


More than I ever wanted to know, so here we go again:

Chapter 09

 

We look at the various types of furs they have available and the sales clerk continues to explain their pros and cons. I try on a few capes and jackets but would really like to have coats, like I saw on some of the ladies during my test.

We begin to look at the full length coats. I hold up several white furs before finding a white mink. The price is $899. It feels delicious.

Mom gives me the ‘look,’ which she always would give us as we were growing up, as though I am about to commit some terrible error.

“Mom, I don’t care, I’m purchasing it.”

“I get borrows,” Janet pipes up.

The sales clerk smiles and Mom laughs at us, “All right, it’s your money.” Mom says. “Now you need something in a mild red or beige.

We look through the selections and find them to be a little limited. I’m now in a toss up between a red fox and a beige fox full length coat. They’re both the same price at $549.

“Lucy, the beige is probably better just now. If you have enough money later then you could come back at the end of the week for the red fox, but you only have one gown it would match unless you also wear it with your white, which might look nice. You could also wear it with your everyday clothes in the winters or with your uniform. It looks nice over the uniform.”

“They won’t allow that, Mom.”

“Then, for now, stick with the mink and the beige fox.”

I sigh, “Okay, Mom.”

The two furs are added to the tally, as is the $100 one day alterations charge for the gowns. Now we traipse back down to have the gowns fitted. The furs will be boxed and brought down for my final check out. After another hour the two gowns have been marked and I’m back in my uniform looking longingly at the dark blue gown as it goes into the back room. I get to pick it up first thing in the morning, day after tomorrow. Now it is time to pay.

The floor manager checks the prices and decides they are close enough he will allow the 25% discount. They total everything and apply the 25% discount, adding tax and the $100 alterations charge. The total comes to $1751.88. I count out my money stopping short by about $100. I offer them the $1651.88 as the deposit with $100 due when I pick up the gowns and I ask that I may take the furs with me now. The manager quickly agrees and I wait as they prepare the receipt. In a minute they give me a receipt showing the total amount paid and balance due. I happily walk away from the gown department carrying one of my furs while Sis is carrying the other.

Stopping for a moment to look in my purse I have plenty of money for the moment but need to go home so I can be prepared for the purchase of the good jewelry.

“Mom. I need to go home before I may do any more shopping today. I need to total my receipts. I’m spending at a horrible rate.”

“True, Lucy, but you have all your gowns, the two furs you need. Perfume, all of your civilian clothes and most of your accessories. The only big expenditure you have remaining is the jewelry, cosmetics and your fingernails. You’re doing quite well actually.”

“Lucy, when we go home, may I try on the mink?”

“Certainly, Sis, both of them if you wish.”

On the way out we check to see if the makeup expert is there in cosmetics. She is and we ask, “How long will you be here?”

“Until five. And again tomorrow.”

“We’ll be back today. I need to see how I look with a makeover and pick up enough cosmetics to last ten months.”

“Ten months? We carry the cosmetics all the time. You won’t need to purchase that much.”

“I’ll be out of the country for ten months so I want to pick up as much as I can.”

“I don’t know if we have it on hand. I’ll check after we do your makeover. When will you be leaving?”

“In four days.”

She rolls her eyes and says, “Ouch.”

I promise her we will return after lunch and we make tracks for the cars and home. At home I transfer all my remaining funds to the purse after checking to be certain I still have the bank check for $2000. I do, thankfully. As I’m arranging my funds, Sis opens the first box and drags out the mink, putting it on about the time Mom walks into the room.

“OHHH. I could get to like this.” She rubs against the fur with her cheek and looks at herself in the mirror.

“Well, Sis, all you have to do is take the assignment and all this could be yours.”

“No, thank you. Borrowing is more my speed.” She carefully puts the mink back onto its box then pulls the fox out of its box.

After I check that I have $150 in the zippered compartment, so I may pay off my gowns, I count my remaining cash reserves. Just over $2850 remains to purchase the cosmetics, all of the jewelry and have my fingernails done. It’s going to be tight. I really want to hold onto the bank check so I can show Uncle Phillip that I didn’t spend it all.

Janet is in bliss as she tries on the fox.

“Uhmm. This one would go so nice with some of my clothes. If you ever decide to give it away, would you think of me?”

“Sure thing, Sis.”

Sis leaves her car at the house and we all pile into Mom’s and drive to a nice restaurant near Macy’s, where we go in for lunch. The wait isn’t bad, only ten minutes. We are finally able to order and about twenty minutes later we have our lunch. I remember to take small bites and to hold my knife and fork properly. My legs are together, my head is up and my shoulders back.

“Mom….”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, honey.”

I finish the bite I’m chewing and try again. “Mom, how much do you think the jewelry will cost? I mean both the real and the fake.”

“That depends on what we find. A pearl necklace, earrings and bracelet…, probably $275. Diamonds in the same perhaps $450. Rubies, sapphires, and emeralds in the same about $275 to $350 each set.”

“Geez, Mom that’s $1775. That doesn’t leave much for the cosmetics or everyday jewelry.”

“Well, at a guess, your cosmetics will probably be around $500 to $700. How much does that leave for your everyday jewelry?”

I think about it, “About $350 unless the good stuff and the cosmetics are less.”

“Well, we’ll just have to see.”

I think I’m in trouble. We finish lunch and each pay our way then drive to Macy’s, walking in about 2:00 p.m. The lady is still there and she remembers us. She has me go over to a chair where they have everything set up for the makeovers.

She asks if we have a VTR before she starts the Video camera. I explain to her that, “We have an AKAI which uses the same reels of tape. By the way, when I’m in uniform, I can’t use much makeup, but when I go out in civilian clothing or to Embassy functions I’m allowed to wear whatever I wish. At the formal affairs, I will normally be in a strapless gown.”

“Wow. You just had to bring me a challenge didn’t you?”

She talks to me as she cleanses my face and proceeds to do the makeup. The first makeover she is going to do will be light makeup for when I’m in uniform. She goes through everything and finishes in about ten minutes. Very little is used but it makes me look great. She writes down everything she used and then quickly cleans it off, proceeding to step two, my everyday civilian look.

This time it takes about twenty minutes and my face looks wonderful. Again you can’t tell I have makeup on. She writes down everything that was used for this transformation. Much of it is the same as before such as the foundation but she uses some blush and also shadows my features more. The camera is still recording. She, once again, cleanses my face and proceeds with step three.

Again, the foundation is still the same and as she works she is asking the color of my gowns. I recite the list and she takes notes.

“I’m going to be doing this as though you are wearing the green, but the color will change to lightly reflect the color of your gown while still matching into your skin tone, eyes and hair.” She continues applying the makeup and after about twenty minutes my face looks fantastic once more. She makes the notes, placing asterisks at the cosmetics that would be altered to lightly reflect the gowns.

She cleanses my face and allows me to try to do the first step by myself but under her direction. It comes out pretty well. I don’t think it is as good as when she did it but she says it is “excellent” for now. She stops the recorder then rewinds the reel and removes it to go with the cosmetics.

“We charge $12 for the tape, I’m afraid. It isn’t like audio tape.”

“I understand. That’s all right. The tape will continue to give me a lot of help.” Now with a list of the cosmetics I need and with a little thought I weigh the time I’ll be spending in uniform versus the everyday civilian time versus the ball gown time and we come up with my needs.

She was right, they don’t have enough here, but then she said, “I can have it all here by tomorrow afternoon. After we talked earlier I called around and made the arrangements to bring it in from other stores. I guessed at the needs but I was right on for the items you will need the most. Let’s see what it will cost.”

She comes up with $485 plus tax. I say, “Sold.” She writes up the ticket selling me only what they have on hand right now and promises to have the rest by tomorrow around 3:00. I will pay for the remainder then. She drops the video tape into my bag with the makeup she has on hand and I happily thank her and we are on our way to look at jewelry. We still have an hour before we need to let Sis go home, so we head on over to Kay’s to see what they have.

We quickly find the pearls, selecting a three strand necklace , two strand bracelet and drop earrings in an off white, slightly pink color for just $230, the diamonds hurt a bit at $820 but they look great, the 48 small stones found on the bracelet are 9 points each, just under a tenth of a carat, and the large ones which are the earrings are 1 & 1/4 carat teardrops. The necklace is mostly 18 carat gold but has two rows of 20 stones at 15 points apiece. The whole set is less expensive since the color is just off white and the clarity is not absolutely perfect, but against my skin tone you can’t see it.

The rubies are a little high, I think, at $275 but will match the dark maroon gown almost perfectly. The emeralds are almost the color of my other gown (we checked both them and the rubies using a small piece of fabric from each of the gowns). These go for $190. The sapphires are really dark and appear to be a close match for my dark blue gown. They are a paltry $225. I now have all my fine jewelry and still have enough money to have my nails done, purchase my everyday jewelry, pay off my gowns, pick up the rest of my cosmetics and maybe still have a little left to use for incidentals. Now we rush home so Sis can get on back to her house to prepare their supper, then Mom and I go in to sit and relax.

“May I try on the mink, Lucy?”

“Sure, Mom. Try them both.”

“Thanks. Your father was going to purchase me a mink a long time back, but then we needed the money because I was pregnant with Janet. After that you came along, and we just never managed to do it. I always wondered what it would be like. Uhmmm. this is nice, isn’t it?” as she buries her face into the fur.

“I wish I could afford to get you one, Mom.”

“Now don’t be silly, Lucy. What would I ever do with a mink coat? I don’t go to special embassy parties or to a diplomatic get-together. I have no use for one.

Maybe whenever you come home, I may just borrow it for a few minutes like this just to feel it. Here, go put on your gown from the closet and then put this on over it I want to see how you look. In the meantime I’ll just warm it up for you.”

“Okay, Mom.” I strip off my uniform and hang it in the closet, then carefully remove my gown and the petticoats. Mom is enjoying herself burying her face into the mink and rubbing her cheeks against the fur. I don’t know why she needs to warm it up. It isn’t that cold in here. Ten minutes later I’m dressed and I dig into the jewelry to put on the new sapphires. Mom was right these look really good, and the others just look terrible. I let my hair down and give it a few strokes of the brush before Mom hands me the coat and I slip it on. Suddenly I understand…. I make a note to myself to buy Mom a mink jacket as soon as I may afford it.

Lifting my hair out from under the coat, I allow it to hang down the back and look at myself in the mirror, then realize what I’ve left undone. “Aww, Mommm. I forgot to purchase lipstick.”

“We’ll get it tomorrow.”

“I’m tired of shopping, too.”

“I know, but it was fun, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. It was fun, but I don’t believe I could do that very often. Oh, no!” I exclaimed in dismay. I'd just thought of something.

“What’s wrong?”

“I need luggage to hold everything.”

“I remember a seven piece set on sale in one of the newspapers. I’ll see if I can find the ad. Come on down to the living room, I want to take your photo. Maybe in your uniform too.”

“Okay, Mom. I’m going to put on the matching pumps if you’re taking pictures.” I change my shoes and grab the clutch, then go down to find Mom, who is searching the papers from the last week.

“I know it’s here somewhere. Ah, here it is. Two large, two medium, one small suitcase, a folding dress carrier and a cosmetics case for $97.”

“Do they sell them separately?”

“It doesn’t say.”

“I could probably use at least four big cases, four folding dress carriers for the gowns and then one medium one for my cosmetics and perfume. I have a large weight allowance, but not much of a….”

“What?”

“I don’t really need a lot here, since I’ll be spending most of my time in the hospital or in recovery from the surgeries. I could get really good trunks to ship most of it to Aunt Julie and they could hold it until I arrive. They probably won’t have it very long since shipping by boat takes six to eight weeks. I should be back over there by the twelfth or thirteenth week. I need to try to call them. It should still be morning there, may I use the phone I’ll pay you for the call so you aren’t stuck with the expense.”

“Wait, Lucy. If you have a large weight allowance. Why couldn’t you use trunks and just take everything with you when you go?”

“Maybe I could. I didn’t think of that. My flight allowance is 660 pounds and my shipping allowance is 2600. Maybe I could purchase a trunk and pack it then see what it weighs. If it is less than…. Oh say 90 pounds then I could use 7 trunks.”

“All right. We best find the trunks today. That will also take money away from your everyday jewelry and anything else you might discover you need. So we need to know just how much it will cost.”

“I want to change to a blouse and skirt first. Are you going to take the photos?”

“Yes, just a minute. Let me get the camera.”

She returns and has me stand over by the fireplace then takes a couple of snaps.

Now I remove the fur and carefully lay it on the sofa as Mom takes two more of me in my powder blue gown.

“I’ll keep the camera here and take two more after you change. Would you mind putting on your uniform first, so I can take some of you in uniform before you change to civilian clothes?”

“Okay, Mom. Be back down in a jiffy. Happy, stay with Mom.”

Up until now he had been following us all over the house. This time I needed privacy so I could change quickly without tripping over him. The gown and petticoats go into the closet and the uniform comes out. Once again I’m Major Lucy Jackson. I put my hair up yet again before placing my cap. Downstairs, Mom snaps more shots of me in uniform then I finally go up to change again.

This is tiring. Selecting a skirt, blouse and flats, I then take my sapphires off the vanity and put them away in the boxes provided by the jewelry store. Finally, I go down to leave with Mom to look for trunks.

After an hour’s search, we’re coming up empty. I ask Mom if we can’t look for the everyday jewelry now and then use the phone to hunt down trunks tomorrow. I explain I have a $2000 check I didn’t want to use, but if necessary the money is available.

She looks at me with a ‘Keeping secrets are we? Welcome to the girl’s club’ expression, “Okay, Lucy. I know a good place for nice jewelry which doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.”

She’s right. I now have more than ten pairs of earrings and a nice CZ necklace and bracelet, many other bracelets with imitation gemstones, and a few simple pendants and necklaces. I also pick up a nice set of imitation rubies for Mom, which she says match her gown, plus a moderately expensive birthstone pendant she has been thinking about.

The whole kit and caboodle comes to about $230 plus tax making it $237.73. I still have enough for at least one trunk, lipstick, vitamins, etc. plus the money to pay off my gowns and the cosmetics. We call it a day and go home.

I change again. This time to my second bathing suit and I collect my dirty clothes to go in the wash this evening. Turning on my exercise tape after opening the window and starting the fan I pant through my workout, ending up soaked again.

I lean over the rail shouting down to the first floor, “Mommm? I’m going to the shower. Do you need the room first?”

“No, honey. Go ahead,” she calls back.

Again, I throw the bathing suit in the sink before scrubbing myself clean in hot water. Washing my hair and conditioning it again. This time I know how to wrap my hair in a towel and then pat myself dry before starting to dry my hair. I throw on my robe and grab my suit, padding my way over to my room where I dry my hair some more before brushing it out. I put on some panties and a bra then one of my new blouses from Sunday’s shopping. I dig through everything and finally find the shorts, then slip on a pair of sneakers and carry my dirty bathing suit and undies down to do my wash.

“Mom, I’m going to do wash. Do you have anything you want to go in?”

“Not really, I’m fine. Go ahead. Supper will be about ten minutes.”

I put everything in the washer and find my other suit, putting it in also. I borrow one of Mom’s delicate’s bags for my hose and start the washer going on warm delicate cycle. That chore begun, I wander out to the kitchen again.

Did you enjoy your workout? I could just hear the TV going.”

“It was okay. I can’t believe how tiring it is though. I thought I was in better shape.”

“You probably were, for a man, but now you’re exercising different muscles or some of the same ones but not the same way. It will be rough for a while, but you’ll get used to it. Just those two sessions and your legs are already showing improvement. Not that they weren’t attractive to start. That’s a nice outfit on you. Those are from the new clothes aren’t they?”

“Yeah. They fit pretty well, but everything is getting just a little tight in the chest and I can’t figure out how to lose the weight up there.”

“Maybe it isn’t fat. Maybe you are finally beginning to fill out. It might be the combination of your mental acceptance of your feminine gender, the support of proper women’s clothing, and your new exercise regime.”

“Whoa. You mean maybe I’m developing my own breasts?”

“Maybe. After supper let’s measure you and then again when you are about to leave Saturday. If that’s the case, you may need to buy new breast forms, made for someone who already has small breasts. I don’t think you would look good in a D-cup. Too much breast for your size. Those are C’s aren’t they?”

“Yeah.”

“Young ladies say ‘Yes,’ not ‘Yeah.’ ”

“Sorry. Yes, Mom. I’m a C-cup.”

“Full or just barely?”

“Just barely, Mom.”

“We’ll know more when I measure you. You know, honey, I was thinking. You have that check for extra funds. I think you should cash it and go back to Macy’s.”

I anticipated her suggestion, “And purchase the red fox fur?”

“No. I think you need to get two fur capes or jackets. They should be in the same fur as you have in your coats but shorter, since a coat is not always the best choice for every situation.”

“Oh. May I wait to do that? I’d rather find out if the trunks will solve my shipping problem and pick up the other things I need first.”

“Certainly. We still have several days and by then we should have a good feel for how everything is going. What do you want to drink?”

“Sounds good to me, Mom. What do I do if I’m growing breasts? I mean, what if they don’t fill out enough but are just big enough to notice. Do I wear breast forms the rest of my life? And tea is fine.”

“Some women do, honey. Not usually as young as you are though. Let’s not worry about it until the time comes. Help me carry.”

We take everything out to the table in several trips and sit down. Mom asks Grace again and then we eat as we talk, but not when my mouth is full.

After supper I help Mom clean up and we put the dishes away. I look out and there is plenty of light. The air is warm so I tell Mom, “It’s pretty nice out, I think I’ll take Happy out front and give him a bath. Is everything still in the garage?”

“Yes. You may fasten the hose to the sink so you have mildly warm water to spray on him. That way he won’t get a chill from the water.”

“Good idea, Mom. Come on Happy, it’s time for a bath.”

“This, I’ve got to see.”

I go to the garage with Happy following and take down the tub and hose. The moment he sees me do that he wants to make tracks. I grab him quickly and leash him to the fence so he can’t run off. After removing the nozzle from the hose and stretching it out into the yard from the garage sink, I start the water running and adjust the temperature to warm before attaching the hose. As the water fills the hose then begins to pour out onto the lawn, I place the end of the hose into the tub to allow it to fill while I collect Happy, who is anything but.

“Come on, Happy, the sooner we do this the sooner you will be clean and you may go roll in the dirt again. You know you like a bath after it starts.”

Happy is putting up a valiant struggle but I lift him into the half full tub. He tries to get out a couple of times before settling down. I wet him down and start washing with the flea shampoo.

Mom decides to go in and get another cup of tea, but not before saying, “I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Now who’s washing whom?” as Happy splashes a load of soapy water all over me.

I shriek and then get back to business. “Happy, hold still. SIT!”

He looks at me like I’m crazy, ‘who me? Sit in this muddy water? You must be nuts.’ He is being more difficult than usual. The dirt is coming off of him in waves. So are the fleas. I should have worn my bathing suit.

The hose flops out of the tub and I hold Happy with one hand and reach for the hose with the other. Happy takes this opportunity to make a break for it but I corral him again and lead him back to the hose and begin to rinse him off. Finally the shampoo is gone, Happy is clean, and I’m nearly soaked. He picks this time to shake off the excess water, so by now I may as well have gotten into the tub with him.

“Happy, SI…!”


1996_pcc.jpg To Be Continued….
 
 
 
© 2008, 2009 by T D Aldoennetti & Rénae Dúmas. This work may not be replicated or presented in whole or in part by any means electronic or otherwise without the express consent of the Author (copyright holder) or her assigned representative. ALL Rights Reserved, including but not limited to ownership of Characters, final content decision, and more. This is a work of Fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional and any resemblance to real people or incidents past, present or future is purely coincidental. An Aldoennetti Original.

 
 

up
245 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

Original comments to this story

Puddintane's picture

Still Laughing

Lucy giving Happy a bath cracks me up. I have had the same thing happen when I give my dog Daniel his bath. It is a guarantee that I will be as wet as he is afterward. Dogs automatically know if they are going to get a bath or go to the Vet. I have had dogs lock their front legs at the door of the Vets office. Lucy has certainly been blowing through the money LOL. I look forward to your next great chapter.

Hugs,

Jen

blowing through the money

It is an Army sponsered shopping spree.... making the most of it....

God bless

Teddi

heheheheh

and that's why "Mommy Dearest" ALWAYS took Cuddles to a pet groomer for her bath. None of use wanted to take one with her, and she was only a miniature schnauzer.

Bright Blessings

Minor nitpicking

Erm, since this is in the US, we usually do not spell Color, 'Colour'. I would like to also mention that in a previous chapter that she should not be talking 'shop' with stewardesses ( they were not called flight attendants back then. ) Finally, in another previous chapter ( 4 I think ) she should have held her tongue with those Frenchies by spilling the beans she knows French. Pride is one thing, but an agent ( and most women ) must be able to forbear such slights as part and parcel of who they are.

I am enjoying the series a lot though, like I have said previously and am very pleased to see new chapters :).

Kim

Happy Not So Happy :)

If he is a Retriever, he would LOVE water. What is he? a cat in disguise or a Russian spy?
May Your Light Forever Shine

-

Cheers,

Puddin'

A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style

The Army is known for

The Army is known for spending money like water. Lucy may have to produce receipts of all her spending to verify where all the funds went; and she may even get more money if they feel she needs more items or she goes over what she has. It would all be up to her "Uncle Phillip" in the end. Lucy's fur coats sound scrumpious. Jan

Air Force Sweetheart -9

Lucy went wild shopping, that's fur sure. Bet you looked fox-y and 'stole' a lot of hearts, you little mink. :-)

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Puns

Diesel Driver's picture

OMG! You're just like Jericho and Diamondback. You are sucking all the pun out of my life. RFLMAO!

Chris

Mom...did you see where I left the ermine wrap?

Andrea Lena's picture
Maroon Gown with matching heels and clutch? $912.00
Ermine Wrap? $482.00
Phillips Head Screwdriver for B-52 Stratofortress Radio Cowling? $866.78
Getting to read this Masterful tale? Priceless!

Thank You!

Revisiting this lovely tale in 2012! I miss Teddi!
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Another great chapter

I love this story. Cant wait for more.

Jessica Marie

I have this feeling

ALISON
'that Mum's education of her new daughter might just save her life in the future.A great story!!

ALISON

Furs and Wet Fur

terrynaut's picture

I'd never own a fur coat. I can't bring myself to encourage the killing of animals simply for their pelts. Ugh. But I have to confess that I have a bunny rabbit fur. I've had it forever and it's so soft. Poor bunny. I can only imagine what mink feels like though. I bet it's heavenly. *sigh*

That last scene is quite funny, and I can relate. Why do dogs hate baths so much? Even dogs that seem to like water hate baths. Is it the soap? Do they feel humiliated? Hmmmm. Poor puppy doggies.

I continue to enjoy this story. I wonder what'll happen next.

- Terry

Happy

Too funny about washing Happy! I used to have a Rottie that didn't care for being cleaned either but he would get into the tub without too much hassle on his own accord if he felt that I really meant it and I always did of course. He would stand or sit there like a good boy while being washed too thankfully. Of course now and then he would forget and shake right in front of me after being scrubbed and rinsed which would also coat the bathroom with what seemed like tons of water. LOL, he would get that "I'm really sorry look after I screeched, "Rocky stop it" but as always it was too late for that.

Once Rocky was in the tub how ever he would love that attention.

Vivien

Vivi

grammer

Diesel Driver's picture

I hate to criticize but this bothers me a bit. And I know she isn't here to make corrections but this sentence, and a couple others like it are bothering me. I don't know if corrections can be made and I'm not absolutely sure they need to be made but here it is:

"After I check that I have $150 in the zippered compartment, so I may pay off my gowns, I count my remaining cash reserves. Just over $2850 remains to purchase the cosmetics, all of the jewelry and have my fingernails done."

She is using "may" where "can" would be correct. At least the way I understand English. So the sentence should read like this:

"After I check that I have $150 in the zippered compartment, so I can pay off my gowns, I count my remaining cash reserves. Just over $2850 remains to purchase the cosmetics, all of the jewelry and have my fingernails done."

I'm sorry, I'll shut up now.
Chris

Chris

Bathing the family pet

Aljan Darkmoon's picture

From my humour archives:

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk—dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary—the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

  • Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
  • Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
  • Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
  • Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
  • Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is—for cats—three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
  • Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

So impressive; imersive and feeling real

This kind of writing is so very good. You are carrying the storry with such detail and doing it with class! Thank you!