I awoke to the smell of eggs and bacon, my dad's favorite way to start the day. I'd intended to stay up and wait for him to come home but I was too exhausted after the day I'd had.

I dreaded going downstairs to meet him. I didn't know how he'd react. We hadn't spent much time together since I came back home insisting I was now his daughter.

I knew I'd always been a bit of a disappointment. I never really enjoyed the same things he did. He'd tried to get me interested in football, he'd wanted to teach me how to properly handle and shoot a gun.

"Any boy your age would jump at the opportunity" he'd tried and failed to convince me. I just didn't see the point.

It's not that I didn't want to be close to him. I wanted to, I just.. I don't know.

I became less of a disappointment when I joined our soccer team although my position of goalkeeper was less than ideal. Something about not enough contact.

"You're the man of the house" he'd tell me whenever he went on his numerous business trips. He spent more time away than with us. Chloe joked once that he probably had a second family.

I knew that wasn't possible though. He loved my mum, and he loved his golden girl Gaby. He tolerated me at best. I really didn't know how he'd react to the news.

I changed out of my nightgown into a Conservative t-shirt and shorts. He'd seen me wearing skirts and dresses sometimes over the summer but I didn't want to poke that bear right now.

As I made my way downstairs, I could hear mum and dad talking in the kitchen. I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying but I guessed it was probably about me.

I stomped my feet down the stairs so they heard me coming and as predicted, their voices died down. When I was in view of them, mum was the first to walk up to me smiling,

"Good morning" I said weakly. "Good morning dad" I followed looking directly at him. My posture unconsciously straightened, my voice clear and precise.

He acknowledged me with a nod while accessing me from head to toe. My toe curled as I felt him judging me. I brought my arm to my elbow and felt myself shrink and avoid his gaze.

"how are you feeling honey" mum asked.

"I'm fine" I studied the pattern on the hardwood floor, each row of wood had an alternating shade of light and dark.

"oh go ahead you two, have a seat." mum said finally. It was easy to see through her fake smile. It was also easy to see that she desperately wanted us to have a nice breakfast. I decided to try at least.

=^_^=

"You let a boy touch you" I wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question.

The nice breakfast didn't last long.

"I didn't let a boy touch me" I replied without looking up from my food.

"Look at me" dad said sharply. I obeyed. "Did I do something wrong? Did we raise you the wrong way?"

"Edward, don't." Mum pleaded.

"It's all the freedom we gave you. I let you pursue your own interests. Any opportunity my own father never gave me but it seems I was wrong." he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Well don't you have anything to say for yourself?"

No, I didn't have anything to say. I just stared at him while tears welled up in my eyes.

"You're prancing around town with that boy. That is not at all how we raised you. Now I hear you were raped".

"Edward, Stop! She wasn't raped." Mum tried to diffuse. This only seemed to set him off more.

"Stop supporting this!" he turned to her "This is on you too".

I stood sharply, tears rolled down my cheeks. "May I be excused?".

I wanted to argue, shout, scream, tell him not to talk to her like that but I just had to get away.

"No, sit down. We still have more to talk about." his voice was stern but calmer now. Slowly I sat back down.

"Gomez is coming later to talk to you. He'll need the whole story. Do not leave anything out."

Dad's lawyer.

"I don't want to press charges" I said.

"That is not up to you." he replied "but I agree, there is no need to drag this on any longer. I am going to ask Gomez to bury this as soon as possible."

"Is that what you'd say if it was Gaby?" I argued. To be honest, I don't know why I did. I'd gotten what I wanted. I should have just kept quiet.

He took a deep breath. "Go to your room" he replied simply before taking a bite out of a piece of bacon.

I glanced at my mother who had a worried look on my face. I pulled myself up to my feet once more and made my way upstairs without another word.

=^_^=

Three new messages; Mikey, Chloe and Clarissa.

Clarissa: hey girl, you good?

I replied: not really, talk later?

--

Chloe: how could you not tell me?

I replied: I'm sorry

I figured Mikey must have told her.

--

Mikey: text me when you get this.

I replied: hi.

Mikey: can I call you?

Me: yeah

--

Not even a minute later, my phone rang.

"hello?" I said shyly. We hadn't left it in a great place last time we talked.

"I'm sorry" he replied "forgive me?"

"Of course. I'm sorry too"

"you did nothing wrong, I was an idiot"

"yeah you were" I smiled

"can I make it up to you?"

"how?" I asked curiously.

"Let me take you out tonight"

I hesitated "I don't know, my dad's home and I feel grounded".

"it's cool, he likes me" Mikey responded.

I chuckled "Probably not anymore"

"Did something happen?"

"He kinda laid into me this morning but I don't want to talk about it"

"I'm sorry, do you want me to come over?"

"Don't skip class because of me, I'm fine" I assured him "we'll see each other later for our date".

"I can't wait"

"Go back to class" I smiled even if he couldn't see. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

Mum came to knock on my door sometime later but I just said I didn't want to talk.

=^_^=

I spent the rest of my time scrolling though tiktok and occasionally thinking about everything that was going on.

I thought about the present. About Mikey, Chloe, everyone. I thought about this thing with Ollie that keeps coming up. Atleast now it was out and being dealt with. I thought about this thing with Ben. He'd stabbed Mikey, he'd tried to drown me.

I wondered whether that would become a thing. No matter how hard we tried to move past everything that happened on that island, it kept coming back to haunt us.

I thought about the past. About the island. About the crash. I wondered what my life would have been like if it never happened.

As horrible as it was, it did make me come to terms with my girlhood. Would I still be pretending to be a boy if it didn't happen. Was it inevitable for me to realise who I really am?

I thought about the future. About College. About getting a job. About getting married. Was that in the cards for me? Would Mikey want to marry me? Would I even want to marry him? Dad probably wouldn't give his blessing. Would we have to elope?

I thought about my baby that I would never hold. I thought about being in the hospital holding a baby boy or girl. I thought about holding that baby tightly all the way home never once letting them go.

A wave of sadness ran over me. I was mourning the loss of a part of me that never existed.

Sometime later, my father knocked on my door. "Come downstairs".

I got dressed wearing a pink top and a Jean skirt. I don't know if I was trying to spite him or prove that this is who I was or both.

I put my hair in a high ponytail and studied myself in the mirror before making my way downstairs.

=^_^=

The lawyer who sat alone in the empty living room introduced himself as Mateo. He looked in his mid forties, handsome, wearing a grey suit.

He had a friendly smile on his face. The kind you'd expect on a therapist when they're trying to get you to open up.

"You must be Joanna" he gestured for me to take a seat.

I did. I studied him. So this was Gomez. Dad had mentioned him a few times as they had worked together for a long time but I had never seen him.

"I thought you'd be older" I told him.

He laughed "well you look a fair bit different than I imagined as well".

He had a slight accent I imagine he would have worked very hard to get rid of.

"Joanna, may I just begin by saying how strong you are for surviving what I expect was a very harrowing ordeal"

"Thank you" I said softly.

Mum and Dad came in from a different room and took seats opposite me.

"It's wonderful to see you again, Mateo" Mum smiled.

"You too Mrs. Fahey" he replied.

"Oh please call me Veronica" she insisted.

He smiled, "I only wish it was under better circumstances". He turned to my father "To get right to it, as instructed, we will not be pressing charges. Without the victim's consent and the lack of any evidence otherwise, the case is being dropped"

I breathed a sigh of relief.

"The city is as eager to shelf this as we are. Minors involved in a sexual assault case doesn't look good for them"

My father nodded.

"Unfortunately, Joanna might still be required to give a statement on a different case" he sorted through some papers. "Benjamin Garcia"

Looking up from his papers, he continued "it seems the DA already has enough to proceed with an investigation and it will likely go to court. Joanna will be required to give a statement as I said".

"Will he - will she need to testify in court?" Dad asked.

"It's possible but highly unlikely" he responded. "it says here that a Mr. Harris is listed as key witness. The judge will not request a witness that is a minor unless absolutely necessary."

We all breathed a sigh of relief. I felt bad for Ben who had it the worst on the island and even worse now.

"What will happen to him?" I asked.

"His lawyer will probably recommend that he pleads guilty to all charges. With any luck, he doesn't get tried as an adult despite the gruesome nature of the incident."

"It wasn't his fault" I said.

"I don't yet know the specifics of that case as of yet. He may be innocent but it doesn't look good. Character letters will help and - -" he paused "I'm sure his lawyer knows what he's doing. I wouldn't worry too much" he smiled.

Dad sat patiently listening which weirded me out. He didn't interrupt or try to take over the conversation.

"Now Joanna, I'm going to need you to tell me everything that happened" Mateo told me while leaning forward.

=^_^=

I hurriedly got dressed, then slipped my feet into one of Gaby's old heeled sandals. I guess they were mine now. She'd let me pick out whatever I wanted from her room earlier in the summer. Chloe and I spent a whole afternoon putting together my new wardrobe.

My phone rang and I knew it was Mikey calling again. He had wanted to come in but I told him to wait in the car. Couldn't handle Dad being rude to him.

As I rushed down the stairs and towards the door, Dad who has sitting in the living room called me over before I could make it out the door.

I took a breath and walked into the living room.

"Yes, dad?"

"Is that Michael out there?" he asked.

"yes, we're going out"

"you know he can come in the house right?"

I just nodded.

"well have fun".

Dad hadn't said anything the whole time I was telling the whole story. I'd told it before except the whole thing with Ollie.

I'd expected Dad to look disappointed, angry even. He didn't. I never expected the glimpse of sadness in his eyes on his otherwise expressionless face.

I turned to leave without saying a word. Not only was Mikey waiting for me, but I really didn't have enough strength to fight. I didn't want to say anything that would set him off.

"Jo" dad called out stopping me in my tracks. I turned slowly to see him standing. The sound of the TV played softly in the background.

"I know I haven't always shown it but I hope you know how much I love you"

"I know, Dad" I replied quietly.

=^_^=

I sat quietly in the car while Mikey drove occasionally glancing over at me. It wasn't until we were on the highway that he finally spoke.

"Babe"

"yeah?"

"are you okay?" he asked. I turned to him and smiled. He struggled to keep his eyes on the road.

I nodded.

"I'm really sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn't mean that, I was just - -"

"it's fine" I interrupted "things got pretty heated" I told him.

I wasn't in the mood to talk so I just put my head out the window.

=^_^=

I was sitting in a Booth at the food court of the mall. The same one dream Gaby and dream me sat in. I thought back to how spot on everything was. Everything from the ice-cream section to the Forever 21 across from the food court.

Mikey returned with out trays and handed me my order. I thanked him and we began talking while he sat.

I dug into the burger and only then did I realise how hungry I was. I hadn't eaten all day.

"How do you feel about having to use the staff bathroom?" Mikey asked. The question caught me off guard. I swallowed before looking up at him.

"it's whatever" I told him.

"You've barely said two words to me" he was looking me dead in the eyes. "I thought we told each other everything. But lately.. I don't want us to lose our friendship now that we're a couple"

"Mikey.."

"Just forget it" he said dejected.

I reached my hand across the table and place them over. "you're right"

"You're my girlfriend but you were my best friend first" I squeezed his hand. How long had he been thinking about this? I realised we hadn't talked the way we used in a long time. Somewhere along the line, I started being selective about what I told him. It was hard to say the things on my mind but I had to try.

"I'm not going to use the staff bathroom and I don't care what Felicity says" I told him "I'm not harming anyone by using the bathroom that makes me feel comfortable"

"That's right"

"I won't skip gym either. I hate being excluded and it makes me feel like a freak"

I took a deep breath.

"I'm nervous about going back to class" I opened up. "I hate being the centre of attention and having everyone talk about me".

I felt our hands disconnect as I sat back in my chair working up the courage to say the next thing on my mind.

"I hate that I'm not a normal girl. I hate that we can't even have sex."

Without skipping a bit, Mikey stood from his chair and asked, "do you want to get some air?"

He'd totally ignored what I said. After I opened my heart to him.

He took my hand and led me out the mall. Like a stray puppy, I following. The whole time I kicked myself for saying that out loud. I must have been insane talking about sex.

We walked and walked until the noise of our town's bubbling adolescent population faded away. We walked until it was just the two of us and mother nature.

The cool evening breeze blew at my sundress which I was starting to regret wearing. It had been a warm day earlier but it had rapidly cooled which we sat in the food court.

Eventually he stopped and so did I. I looked up at him. Was he taller? I thought about how being smaller than all the boys on the team used to make me feel self conscious. Now it didn't bother me one bit.

"This is so remote. I hope you're not a serial killer" I chuckled nervously trying to break the tension a bit.

"I'm a virgin" Mikey said suddenly.

I knew that. We both were. Why was he saying that now?

"Uh..." That was all I could manage.

"See, I say that and it doesn't feel bad because..." his voice trailed off "because it means that I don't know what it's supposed to be like or feel like"

Where was he going with this?

"All that matters is what it feels like between us."

He took both my hands in his and stared deep into my eyes in that way that would always make me melt. Nothing had changed between how I felt about him now and how I felt about him on the island.

"And I don't want you to feel pressured to do this. Only if you're ready, even if that means never."

I stood there like a stump. Awkward and so full of love.

"Because you're the only girl I've ever wanted. And probably ever will"

I broke and threw myself into his arms. Mikey held me tightly and I never wanted to leave. My head was buried so deep in his chest I could hear his heart beat.

I thought back to those moments on the island. I was so afraid Mikey would no longer like me when there were other girls around. How foolish.

=^_^=

Sometime later, we walked back to the car. It's all a blur now. Maybe we walked hand in hand, maybe I held on to his arm, maybe I'd climbed on his back.

Maybe we rode the clouds back to his car. Atleast that's what it felt like.

Mikey and I stole glances the whole drive home. Occasionally he'd catch me watching him and make a joke. I'd laugh. I was so deep in love it scared me. How would I go on if I ever lost him?

Eventually we got home, he kissed me goodnight and drove off. He'd asked me if I would be in class the next day. I nodded.

I walked in the door still buzzing from the lovely evening I'd just had. I turned to the living room and saw Dad sitting there talking to someone. I couldn't see their face from the entrance so I decided to ignore it.

Before I could make it up the stairs however, dad called, "Jo, you have a guest"

I sighed and made my way into the living room to a surprise. Ollie was sitting there having a conversation with my dad.

I turned to look at Dad who didn't say another word.

"Jo, I hope this is okay." Ollie began "I came to apologise"

"You already apologised" I replied

Dad groaned slightly as he stood from the couch, "I'll let you two talk".

I quietly took a seat while Dad left the room and subsequent thuds signalled that he was headed upstairs.

I had stopped seeing Ollie as my attacker when it turned out he wasn't thinking straight like the rest of us. I had long stopped being petrified at his presence.

"What were you and my dad talking about?"

"You" he responded.

"Bonding over what a disappointment I am?"

"He loves you"

"What do you want, Ollie?" He was the last person I wanted to have that conversation with.

He visibly backed off. "I wanted to thank you. For not pressing charges"

"Of course I wouldn't, it wasn't your fault".

"I know. I thought I should thank you anyway. I wouldn't do very well in jail" he chuckled to himself.

I forced a smile.

"Well, you're welcome. But you didn't have to come over, you could have texted me"

"I know. I just wanted to see you"

"What do you mean?" I asked surprised by his statement.

"I still dream about it, you know? . That moment between us"

"What are you talking about?" He wasn't making any sense.

"You looked so hot, even hotter now, and I like to think I had something to do with you accepting who you are"

"I want you to leave" I told him as sternly as I could manage.

"Listen Jo" he made his way across the room and sat on the chair closest to mine. "When I heard you fighting for me as they took me away, I realised there was a chance you felt the same way."

What the fuck?

"I thought maybe you enjoyed it just as much as I did. Even as they put me in that cop car, you were all I could think about"