A little blue pill was in my future for sure. Somewhere between total mental and physical exhaustion rested an impending panic attack. Sleep would be out of the question.

“Josh is spending the night. Can you go somewhere else to sleep?” My roomie made more of a statement than a request.

“No… I want him the fuck out of here by ten!” I exploded. “He is NOT sleeping in my room tonight!”

A blue pill and a drink…maybe…as if…?

“But I invited him.” She whined in a nasally tone of voice.

“No fucking way…! If he’s not out of here by ten, I will go straight to the R.A. I’m sick and tired of your bullshit. If you want to fuck his brains out…go to his room. Go to the field. In fact…I don’t really give a rat’s ass where you go! You’re just not doing it here!”

Two drinks…and a little blue pill…!

They all were stunned. Good…! I was known as the meek one but I think I ended all that. They all kind of sat back and gawked at me as I turned and went into my bedroom. Slamming the door, I threw my book bag down and threw myself onto my bed. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It opened slowly and one of the other girls poked her head in.

“Are you alright? You kind of look like shit.” She said as she slipped in.

“I’m just wonderful.” Dripping sarcasm…! No…torrential sarcasm…!

Closing my eyes, I would have wept if I had any tears left. She sat on the edge of my bed and grasped my hand.

“It’s either a wicked period or boy problems.” She smiled softly. “At least it is with me. Guys are as fucked up as a wicked period.”

Not knowing what really to say, I told her the truth…sort of. A bad habit of mine…

“It’s a girl.” I said weakly. “And I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

This didn’t seem to faze her one bit.

“Yeah…” She sighed. “My roomie’s has those problems to. Too much drama with girls…”

“Yeah…”

Like…no shit Sherlock…even if the drama was mostly mine…

“Listen…” She leaned over to gaze at me. “Why don’t you come over to our room for a few minutes? I have this amazing dark chocolate and a bottle of killer Mezcal. Anyway…your slutty roomie wants to get a few things and she’s scared shitless to come in here.” She giggled. “By the way… I’m Jeanie and my roomie’s Pat.”

The dark chocolate sounded good; especially since I hadn’t really eaten since breakfast. I never had Mezcal but I figured now was as good a time as any.

“Yeah…” I smiled weakly. “Anything to get that bitch out of here tonight...”

“Yeah… We’re kind of sick of her as well. Just don’t let it get out we have a bottle in the room. And…” Her face brightened. “We have a little killer weed if you need something extra.”

“No thanks…” I said with a grin. “But I’m cool with it. That slut is the only thing on my R.A. list.”

Getting up and out of bed was a chore. I suddenly realized that I was hungry as well. But I wasn’t going to stop in the main room to get my cheese and crackers as long as my roomie and her human dildo were still around. When we entered the other bedroom, her roomie was sitting on the bed smiling wickedly.

“That was so fucking epic!” Her roomie said. “We never really had a chance to meet. You’re never around. I’m Pat.”

“And I’m Jeanie by the way.” She giggled. “Okay… Let the debauchery begin!”

“Ummm… I have some cheese and crackers in the fridge and I haven’t eaten since breakfast. But I don’t want to go out there whilst the slut and her dildo are still around.” I giggled.

“Wow…” Pat said excitedly. “That’s an excellent way to describe them.” She laughed. “I’ll get the munchables."

“Have a seat…anywhere.”

Jeanie motioned around the room as she pulled a bottle of pale yellowish colored liquid out of her closet. Breaking the seal, she unscrewed the cap and took a swig of the stuff.

“We’re casual around here. If that’s okay with you...”

Jeanie grinned and handed the bottle to me. Taking the bottle, I smiled and sniffed it. The aroma wasn’t all that inviting…to say the least. I hoisted the bottle and took a sip. As I lowered it, I noticed something kind of floating toward the bottom. Jeanie snickered.

“It’s the worm.”

“Wait...! What...???” My eyes went wide as the liquor burned its way down my throat.

“Yeah… This is the real thing. I got this in Playa Del Carmen on my way to Cozumel. I guess it’s some kind of custom to dump a worm in it. It’s actually a moth larva. I have to fight Pat for the honors usually.” Jeannie snickered.

“Wait… What…?”

“Well…?” Jeanie smiled slyly. “You eat it and the world truly becomes your playground. And you don't even need to move!” She giggled.

Pat returned with a tray full of stuff.

“You can have what’s left of the Thai food. It’s pad Thai with shrimp.” She grinned. “And here’s your cheese and crackers. I also brought some guacamole with chips and a bottle of water. It’s good to take a hit of water after each hit of the mezcal.”

Pat sat on her bed and took the bottle. I was so hungry that I quickly devoured the Thai food and then began to work on the cheese and crackers.

“And you are…?” Jeanie grinned at me.

“Oh… I’m sorry. I’m Emma…Emmie.” I smiled sheepishly.

“Okay…” Jeanie looked at Pat. “Emmie has girl problems.”

“Oh…” Pat grinned. “Drink plenty of water, green tea, and put hot compresses here.” She patted her lower tummy.

“Not that kind of girl problems you derp…!” Jeanie rolled her eyes and snickered. “Your kind of girl problems…”

“Ohhh… Those kinds of girl problems…” Pat snickered. “Too much drama…” She grinned at me. “Hang in there. You both will eventually sync up and you’ll only have drama three or four days a month.”

“No those kinds of problems either.” I sadly said.

Gazing at Pat, I suddenly understood where she was coming from. She was majorly cute. Blue eyes, pale skin, a nose ring, a buzz cut, and the rainbow bracelet said it all. She was gay.

“I’m not gay.” I said softly. “But I have such strong feelings for her.” I felt tears welling up again.

“So…?” Pat grinned. “She doesn’t do straight girls?”

“There’s another issue. I have the issue.” I stared down at the bottle of mescal in my hands.

“What…? You don’t eat sushi?” Jeanie giggled.

“Shut up you derp!” Pat semi snarled at her. “If you have an issue…and she can’t deal…then she has an issue as well.” Pat said seriously.

After taking another swig, I handed the bottle to Jeanie who handed me the water in turn.

“But I don’t know how to handle my…issue. And I don’t know how to handle it with her.”

Pat sat and simply nodded. Then she took another hit from both bottles.

"What's your issue?" Pat asked softly.

"It's...complicated."

"Isn't it always?" Jeanie snickered, much to Pat's displeasure.

“I tried texting her but now she doesn’t reply.” Tears began to fall.

“That’s a tough one.” Pat said and thought for a moment. “Look… You can’t harass her with texts. She’s probably just as bent out of shape as you are.” She spoke with confidence. “Text her once a day for the next few days and then stop.” Another swig of each bottle as it went around. “Then...as far as I’m concerned…it's all on her.”

“Yeah…” Jeanie said. “It’s the same with guys. People are people regardless of their gender. You can’t wish something to happen. It leads nowhere except to fuck up your life till you’re over them. And you def don’t want her to think you’re some kind of psycho hose bitch.”

“And maybe you are gay.” Pat added with a giggle. “There are a lot of advantages to being lesbian.”

“Oh yeah…?” Jeanie’s said sarcastically. “Name one…just one…!” She laughed.

“Okay bimbo brain…” Pat snickered. “It’s no big deal for everyone to be naked. Put a dick in the room and the entire scene changes and things…arise!” She laughed. “Of course...with lesbians...if it’s a bunch of skeezers…and there’s only one hottie…then there’s a problem. And…!” Pat lilted excitedly. “If you do hook up…you get to double the size of your wardrobe!” She grinned.

“Well I’m not gay and you’re wearing my tee shirt!” Jeanie feigned anger.

“When did you know you were gay?” I had to ask.

“When did you know you were a girl?” Pat replied with a chuckle.

Good point… I was so very clueless about it all.

“So…” I screwed up my face in thought. “You’ve never been with a guy.”

“Fuck no...!" Pat beamed proudly. "I am platinum. I’ve never even kissed a guy. Except for my dad and that was on the cheek.” Pat snickered. “I just don’t do dick.”

Her words resounded quite loudly and painfully in my ears. ‘I don’t do dick’… Meh…!

“I mean I have nothing against guys. It’s just that…I just don’t do dick.” She repeated. “Now Jeanie here… She doesn’t do vagina. The very thought of sticking her tongue into some other girl’s pussy makes her sick.” Pat laughed.

“But you two get along.” The mescal and the food were calming me.

“We’re sand box sweet hearts.” Jeanie said without a moment’s thought. “We grew up together. We went to the same schools and we were determined to room together here. The fact that she’s queer is like…” Jeanie looked off for a moment. “It’s like she has chestnut hair…when she lets it grow. And I have blond hair.” Jeanie smiled. “It’s like…so what? Who cares?”

“So…” Pat grinned slyly. “What’s your crushes name?”

I told her. Pat looked at Jeanie. They both arched their eyebrows.

“Facebook…! Instagram…!”

They gazed at each other and grinned as they exclaimed simultaneously. Pat and Jeanie had this down to a science. It took but a few moments for them to find Sam’s accounts.

“Are you seeing this?” Pat said with an awed expression. “National Honor Society…?”

They began to alternately read off Sam’s accolades.

“Phi Beta Kappa…”

“National math and science awards…?”

“Stanford…”

“M.I.T….”

“What is she doing here?” Pat stared at me.

“Oh my God…!” Jeanie looked at me; her eyes and mouth agape. “She made the semi-finals for the Women’s Olympic track and field team with the hammer throw, discus, and the shot put!”

“What is the hammer throw?” I had visions of a huge sledge hammer.

“Where can I find one?” Pat gasped. She glanced up at me. “Does she have a sister?”

“Fuck that!” Jeannie laughed. “Does she have a brother and is he into women?”

“How long have you known each other?” Pat asked…still stunned. She glanced at Jeannie. “Did you see all those scholarships?” She then glanced at me. “Where does she hide her cape?” Pat giggled. “And how long have you known each other?”

“Not very long at all…” I sighed.

“She’s got doctorates in computer engineering and bio-mechanics? And a PhD…?” Jeanie stared at me. “This is really weird.” She glanced up at Pat. “It says she’s here but it doesn’t say what she’s doing.” She stared at me in wonder. “And you two get along? I mean really connect?”

“Yeah…”

I sighed as a tear fell. I was sort of hydrated again…dammit!

“And she’s really kind of cute!” Pat gasped as she looked at her screen. “This is totally sick!”

“Terminally… She’s a little on the thick side but…she’s also majorly athletic?” Jeanie grinned.

“How did you meet her?” Pat asked.

So I went into the tale of my needing assistance with my stats class. And I told them how meeting up with her every day there after became kind of a ritual. I didn’t go into details about our spot or what went on when I stayed over. But I gave them the picture as best I could.

“Oh… We totally have to help you.” Pat said to me. Then she looked at Jeanie. “We really need to help her nail this one.”

“Totally…!” Jeanie replied.

As the night went on, I became more comfortable with my ‘other roomies’. Of course the mezcal helped quite a bit. By the time the bottle was half emptied, we were all pretty high and feeling no pain whatsoever. Then they decided to smoke some pot. Jeanie opened the window and Pat brought out their weed supply.

As they happily smoked away, they plotted my next move. It was decided that I shouldn’t text again before consulting them. And they reminded me that Sam had just as big an issue as I had and I shouldn’t lose sight of that fact. They also reminded me that if all three of us went to the R.A., there would be no choice but to remove my roomie…who we now called ‘the slut’.

By that time I was ready for bed. I could barely keep my eyes opened. So I bid my new friends a good night and ambled into my room. I was way too exhausted and drained to even shower or do my evening routine. I simply collapsed on my bed and promptly feel asleep. I didn’t even think of taking the little blue pill.

In the morning I direly wanted to text Sam. But Pat was right. Sam never even gave me a chance to explain…or better yet…show her how very minor my ‘short comings’ truly were. The pain and the emptiness soon returned but the shower woke me enough to also gain some perspective. Regardless of how I felt, I knew I had to go through the day and make up for the studying I didn’t do yesterday.

Walking around the other side of the lake, I glanced over at our spot. Sam wasn’t there. After carefully scoping out the coffee shop, I hurriedly went in to get a ‘black eye’, fruit juice, and a platter of meats and cheeses. Then I hit the library.

Biology has always been a cake walk for me. And the other subjects; the psych stuff, and the usual sophomore crap, were no big deal. But the stats work was epic! I kept wishing Sam was around to help me, encourage me, and comfort me. But that was not to be. I ate my dinner in the cafeteria, went to my room, showered and changed into my night wear, and cried myself to sleep.

The next day was a regular class schedule. Actually…it was a living nightmare to be more exact. I simply couldn’t get Sam out of my head. I was truly beginning to understand zombie-ism. I felt totally numb and just went through the motions of being present physically. Tragically, my roomie was in the room. She immediately got in my face.

“I didn’t like the way you talked to me when…” She was having trouble remembering his name? “Ummm…my friend was here!”

Sooo…? Backatcha sez I…

“I don’t give a fuck what you like or don’t like!” I shouted. “The three of us are totally sick of your shit and if we hear another word out of your mouth…it’s off to the R.A. and you’re out of this quad!”

Let me tell you…regardless of cruelty to animals and all that…it really felt good to ‘kick someone else’s cat’! She backed off in a huff and went directly into the bathroom slamming the door on her way. And as I was just about to fall back upon my bed I heard the patter of not such little feet.

“Are you okay?” Jeanie poked her head in.

“Yeah…” I lilted and sighed.

“Well…” She rushed to my side and took hold of my hand. “Come on over. We have just the text to send!”

Jeanie was so excited that I caught it and couldn’t resist. Anyway…I needed a couple of smiling faces in my life at that moment. I let Jeanie pull me to her room. Pat sat on her bed with her legs tucked beneath her and a huge grin on her face.

“God…! You are so fucking hot when you’re pissed off!” She laughed. “I have dibs on you if this doesn’t work out.”

“Shut up Pat. Show her what we came up with.” Jeanie beamed.

Pat handed me a piece of paper.

‘None of us are happy with the way we were born. All we can hope to do is conform.’

Staring at what was written on the paper my first thought came to my lips before I could even think.

“This…” I winced. “This is awful.”

“Yeah…” Jeanie chuckled. “It really sucks.”

“And why am I sending this?” I lilted.

“We found more pictures of her. Check this out.”

Pat giggled and turned her laptop so I could see this new…data? Pat had found very old photos of Sam. One showed her lifting a huge three hundred pound barbell! All of her muscles were bulging from the strain. She looked amazing in spite of the grimace on her face. The next photo showed her standing in the back row of her women’s track team. She was amongst the tallest and certainly the widest? I didn’t bother looking at the other photos.

“This woman was no doubt a stand out...literally...all through school.” Pat’s smile faded. “She was always the odd one out. No doubt she was bullied on a number of levels. No doubt the girls probably were scared of her.” She suddenly giggled. “And the guys as well...”

“I know that some of the girls used to make these mean comments about Pat and me.” Jeanie frowned. “They all thought we were doing it with each other…you know? It was hard as fuck for me to get a date! We were voted the most likely to marry each other.”

“That’s why this is perfect for her.” Pat leaned forward. “If she remembers how hard it was for her, maybe she’ll think about how hard it is for you.”

As weird as their logic was, I had to admit they might actually have had a point. I certainly knew how terribly cruel kids could be when there was an odd one in their midst. And truly nobody was odder than me. Staring at what they’d come up with again, the message, as weird as it was, sort of made sense?

Not having my phone, I ran back to my room with the written message. Pat and Jeanie followed close behind. The slut seemed to have left for the night. Her purse and ‘slut bag’ were gone. As the girls gathered around me on my bed, I took out my phone. Letter by letter I entered the stupid…poem? I sat and gazed long and hard at the text. Suddenly the girls began a chant.

“Do it…! Do it…! Do it…! Do it…!”

So I did. Reluctantly mind you… But I sent the stupid text to the cheering and shouts of ‘huzzah’ from the girls. And of course they insisted on a celebration. But I was too beat to partake. After being issued a perpetual ‘rain check’…good for any occasion…they left and I went to bed not expecting a return text anytime soon. And I was not disappointed in that respect.

The next day wasn’t any better. Indeed it was a great deal worse. I got slammed with a ton of stats work to do. And…on top of that…I had to construct and carry out my very first psych survey! My first inclination at the day’s end was to use my perpetual ‘rain check’ and get totally hammered with the girls. My second was to eat and head to the library. Number two won out.

Futile doesn’t begin to describe my exertions at the library. Everything went well until I began working on the survey. Everything quickly turned to poopie shit when I attempted my stat work. I was lost again. And having Sam’s absence in my life working in the deep recesses of my heart didn’t help one bit. Not one bit… By the time I returned to my room, I’d composed my next text to her.

The slut was in residence when I opened the door. She had nothing to say to me. She didn’t even look at me. I dumped my bag and went to shower. After doing my night time ritual, I meandered to the girls’ room and knocked on the closed door. Pat opened it and the aroma of pot hit me like a brick wall. She grinned and giggled.

“I know what I want to text tonight.” I sighed. “Want to hear it?”

“Sure…” Pat coughed. “Derpie forgot to open the fucking window.” She giggled.

“Seriously…?” I coughed in the smokey haze. “What are you guys majoring in anyway?”

“Well…” Jeanie began to giggle to the point of hysteria.

“Derpie is an art history major.” Pat snickered. “And I’m majoring in…"

“Dope smoking…!” Jeanie laughed…much to Pat’s indignation.

“I’m majoring in English lit. I expect us to have major jobs waiting upon graduation.” She laughed. “So… What do you have for us princess?”

“Okay… Here goes…” I took a deep breath. “I miss you and I need you.”

I looked up to gauge their reaction. Pat didn’t hesitate at all.

“That really sucks. The last thing in the world any lesbian needs is a needy, or a clingy girlfriend. It’s like…it’s like the kiss of death…or a very quick lesbian bed death at the very least.” She was serious.

“What’s lesbian death bed?”

“You really don’t want to know.” Pat said dourly.

“So what does she do?” Jeanie asked as she watched Pat puff on their pipe and exhale out the window.

“Well…?” Pat responded with a hoarse voice. “Why don’t you add…?” She thought for a moment. “…‘in my life’. She paused. “Yeah… ‘I need you in my life’. That’s a classic.”

“You know something?” Jeanie snickered. “I don’t think that her Instagram or Facebook pages were done by her.”

“Yeah…” Pat grinned. “Like…there’s nothing really personal on them. It’s like they’re resumes or something. No ‘BGFFs’ or any of the personal crap you usually find…you know? It’s kind of weird. It’s like she had no part in doing them.”

Not having either social platform, I couldn’t make the connection the girls were trying to tell me. And I couldn't believe they were still checking Sam out!

“So…?” Clueless...!

“So…? This woman is a very private person. Like…what she does is nobody else’s business. We know exactly who is dating whom…or what for that matter.” Pat snickered.

“Yeah… You should see ours pages. All nine thousand of them…” Jeanie laughed. “Our present dating histories…such as they are…are on them. I mean everybody wants the world to know who they’re going with…pictures and all.”

“But your Sam has none of that. There’s not even a slight mention of you.” Pat sat back against the wall.

“So maybe she’s an introvert?” I sighed.

Not adding ‘like me’ echoed the fact that perhaps our connection was deeper than I thought. Carefully and slowly typing out the text as always, I fretted over the propriety of the message. Was I becoming a stalker? Was I, in truth, that needy? How much of this torture was I willing to inflict upon myself? And what the hell was Sam going to think about these texts?

The next day yielded no results. The day proved to be as torturous as the prior day. How do people who are really together…really in love…deal with separation? Was I seriously going to lose my poopie shit over this amazing woman? I made the decision that this evening’s text would be my last.

There was this song I once heard that was a beautiful and haunting love ballad. I couldn’t remember the name of the song but I did remember the name of the band. So onto Google I went in search of my unicorn message. The band recorded eighteen CDs so I began with the most popular. It was the sixth song on the CD and its title is ‘Songbird’.

After listening to it a gazillion times…because of its sorrowful beauty…I glommed the lyrics and composed my text. Racing back from the library, I couldn’t wait to conference with my roomies. Of course they were heavily in the midst of what they considered a study session; wine, cheese and the opened window.

Showing them my phone, they read the text. ‘I wish you all the love in the world…but most of all I wish it from myself…’

“Oh...my God…!” Jeanie exclaimed all bug eyed. “This is amazing! You’ve got to send this!”

Pat was actually teary eyed. I’m not sure whether it was the text or the amount of school work she needed to do…or the wine and pot! But she definitely approved.

“I wish I had a girlfriend who sent me this kind of shit.” Pat sniffled. “It’s so fucking romantic.”

They both sat staring at the text as if some great revelation would appear if they were to chant it as a mantra.

“Yeah…” Jeanie sighed. “It’s perfect.” She glanced at me. “How did you ever think this one up?”

“I didn’t” I frowned. “It’s from this amazing song I heard. The singer composed it and her voice was so haunting…just her and her piano. I have no idea why this suddenly came to me.”

“This is truly karma.” Pat said, still sniffling. “It’s got to be the perfect message.”

With their approval, I sent the text later as I settling down into bed. My roomie…the slut…was scrupulously avoiding me at all costs. She was in her bed and on her side facing the wall. I send it and placed the phone under my pillow. Perhaps the tooth fairy would leave me a text from my Sam in lieu of a dollar.

The next morning was absolute and complete misery for me. No text… Nothing at all… My heart fell even deeper into the bottomless pit of despair. I went through the motions of going to my classes with no energy…no life at all.

Just after lunch I had to sit through a dry and boring lecture by some random G.A. on human biology. About half way through the drudgery of her monotone delivery, my phone chimed. I quickly glanced to find a text from Sam.

‘Ur a sik puppy. U know where 3:45’

“Yes…! =D”

"Yes...!"

Shouting it out loud enough to gain everybody’s attention, I stood up so quickly I knocked my chair backward making an equally loud noise.

“A revelation…perhaps…?” The G.A. said as she glared at me. “Would you care to share it with us?”

“Ummm…” I kept my poise as best I could under the circumstances. “Just good news from home…” I blushed, giggled, and regained my seat.

Racing back to the dorm, my mind going a thousand miles an hour, I couldn’t wait to dump my bag. Pat was in and I couldn’t wait to share this news with somebody.

“Yes…!” She echoed my reaction.

“What should I wear?” I was hopping up and down on my toes.

“It won’t matter.” She took my hands and hopped with me. “She’s gay…remember?”

“I’ve got to shower and get ready. I have less than an hour.”

“God…! Lipstick lesbians are the worst.” Pat snickered and shook her head.

Rushing out of her room, I quickly striped along the short distance to my room. Thankfully the slut wasn’t there and I was able to doff everything and slip on my robe. I luxuriated in the warmth of the shower as I carefully and thoroughly washed every inch of myself. I wanted to look perfect. I wanted Sam to feel about me in the same way I felt about her.

Blow drying my hair, I fluffed it out as best I could. I gathered it into a loose pony tail exposing my long and slender neck. What little I had in physical assets I wanted to have shining bright in Sam’s vision.

Gazing into the mirror, I realized that I looked like warmed over poopie shit. I hadn’t been sleeping well since this horrid episode with Sam began. Before I put on my robe again, I misted the air with my perfume and walked through it. This was the spicy scent that Sam seemed to love on me.

Rushing back to my room, I retrieved one of my three eye palettes and then back to the bathroom. In spite of the crappy lighting I managed to lighten up my eyes enough to appear somewhat presentable. A slight touch of concealer just beneath my lower lash line and two coats of mascara made a world of difference.

Using a pale pinkish-beige shade of lip stain and a top coat of gloss at least made my lips appear to be very kissable. I had no idea of what Sam’s state of mind would be. But if nothing else, I wanted it to be very hard for her not to embrace and maybe even kiss me. I was going all out. I knew that this might be my only…and last…attempt to get her back into my life.

Back in my room, I managed to slip a panty on beneath the robe just as Pat came in.

“How are you doing?” She asked plaintively.

“Oh…” I sighed mournfully and turned toward her. “I guess I’m okay.”

“Well…” Her smile was heartening. “You certainly look amazing. If it was me…I’d rip off all your clothes and go for an all-out pearl dive!” Pat chuckled. “You look…gorgeous…totally yummy!”

'Pearl dive...?' Seriously...WTF...?

Pulling out my mid-calf length faded blue jean skirt, I was at a loss of what top would be the best. I mean it’s not like I had an extensive wardrobe or anything.

“I don’t know what top to wear.” I moaned as I shuffled through my things.

“Wait…!” Pat exclaimed excitedly. “I have just the thing!”

She dashed out of my room and returned only moments later holding a blouse.

“This is a killer.” Pat proclaimed with a broad grin. “It should fit even though you’re taller.”

Pat handed me a white cotton blouse with a hand stitched floral pattern of brightly colored flowers that were dispersed along the collar line, the bodice, and the three quarter length sleeve cuffs. She was right. It would be perfect if it did fit perfectly.

Doffing my towel and setting it on my bed, I put on my ‘Barely There’…seriously…but enough…bra.

“You have cute boobs.” Pat giggled. “More than a mouthful is wasted anyway.”

“Thanks a lot…” I frowned.

Slipping the top over my head, I tugged the hem down as far as it would go. I turned toward Pat with an anxious expression.

“Yeah…” She gazed approvingly at me. “It’ll work.” Pat adjusted the shoulders to square the blouse off. “It’s perfect. Just do me a favor.” She smiled wryly. “Don’t bring it back smelling like her pussy. That’ll drive me crazy and I’ll won't ever wash it again!” She laughed.

“Really Pat…!” I gave her my scornful look and turned toward the full length door mirror. “I’ll be lucky if she even talks to me.”

“Well… If she doesn’t…I certainly will.” Pat smiled at me. “You really look amazing.” She said seriously. “She won’t be able to resist you. And remember…” She furrowed her brow. “Think positively! If you will it…you’ll get it.”

Gathering up the few things I needed, including my lip stain and the gloss, I was about to leave the room.

“Hey babe…” Pat giggled. “Don’t forget to take an extra panty. You just might get super lucky.” She laughed.

Glaring at Pat, I began walking out of my room. She accompanied me to the door and, putting her hand upon my shoulder, she turned me toward her and hugged me.

“Don’t worry sweetie…” She smiled warmly. “If she didn’t want you…she wouldn’t have replied. Take it from me…and I’ve had way too much drama in the ghosting arena…you are a catch for anyone…guy or girl.”

Gazing at Pat seriously, I had to ask a really stupid question.

“Do you think I should wear my straw hat?”

“God…! Yes…!” Pat chuckled. “You are so fucking femme. Of course you should! No butch bitch can resist a totally femme straight looking girl. It’s like a challenge; especially with that wide brim and my floral blouse. You’d be like…” She gazed off for a moment. “You’d be like the ultimate mother earth country girl incarnate.”

Finally…and not a moment too soon…I left the room and slowly walked to ‘you know where’. I was a bit put off by the fact that she didn’t text ‘our spot’. But I sort of understood why. Sam was as unsure of what would happen as I was…and maybe even more so.

She was sitting beneath the tree. Her arms were resting across her knees and her fore head atop her arms. Sam’s face was hidden so I couldn’t gauge her reaction to me as I approached.

“Hi…” I weakly said as I gazed down at her.

“You look amazing.” She said before putting her head down again. “Got a date later?” Sam sounded bitter as she smirked.

“Sam…? Please…?” I sighed and sat down, taking a tissue out of my purse just in the event…

Sam was dressed in athletic shorts and a University of Miami orange tee shirt. I could see that she was damp with perspiration and, since she had a bag with her, I assumed she just came from perhaps working out? From the quick glimpse of her face, Sam appeared to look tired…and worn? I took off my hat and fidgeted with the edge of the wide brim.

“I’m sorry.” She said softly.

“It’s okay…”

“No… It’s not okay.” She lifted her head and gazed at me. “I have a real burn for this amazing woman only she has a dick.”

Tears were beginning to form in her eyes and I handed Sam my tissue. I took out another one for myself…just in the event.

“I lied to you.” She said with a sniffle. “It’s not that guys weren’t interested in me. I wasn’t interested in them. Not ever…”

As Sam’s tears flowed I took hold of her hand. She simply sat and cried. I realized that our separation had shattered her life just as much as it had mine. Maybe even more so…! The girls were right.

“I should have said something sooner. I was wrong and I hurt you and I’m really very sorry for that.” I said in my most soothing voice as I dabbed at the corners of my eyes. “But this was all so sudden and so…” I sighed. “…fast that I didn’t have time to really think.”

“I knew this guy? He was gay as all shit. Totally platinum…” She gazed at me. “He thought that a vagina looked just like an open wound. He once saw a picture of this woman having her period? I mean it was no big deal or anything. It simply showed her menstrual blood flowing a bit. He said he blew his dinner at the sight of it.”

Handing Sam a second tissue, I took out yet another as I sat down across from her.

“Well…” Sam cleared her throat. “I was curious…you know? I mean I knew what a dick looked like. But I’d never really seen one in the flesh…so to speak.” She wiped her nose. “So I asked him if I could see his. I explained the situation and he understood my curiosity. But he made me promise not to show him my vagina.” She smiled weakly and paused to blow her nose.

“So what happened?” I couldn’t believe I was actually hearing this.

“So… He dropped his pants and showed me.” Sam shook her head. “It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. It hung down and it looked like a raw sausage in a weird casing. The foreskin…you know? And those…those things that hung down…! Seriously…? The entire thing looked like some sort of deformity. A weird mutation of some sort...”

Sam gazed at me with a stunned expression. The memory was so very negative that the image was still embedded in her mind.

“I didn’t get sick or anything. But it was close.” Sam squeezed my hand gently. “I understood how he felt about vagina after that. “And…” Sam took a deep breath. “...I hope you’re ready for T.M.I. To this very day I won’t use a dildo.”

If what Sam told me wasn’t so heart wrenching, I would have snickered. But I truly felt her pain.

“Don’t think about it Sam.” I said softly.

“I just can’t imagine us having any kind of real intimacy…you know?” Her tears began to flow again. “And I do want that. I need that. Can you understand?”

“Yeah…” Now I sniffled. “I can. Just tell me one thing.”

“Sure…” Sam dabbed at her tears.

“How big was it?” She stared at me. “His dick… How big was it?”

Sam gazed at me and then looked off for a moment. I let go of her hand. She gauged the length with her separated index fingers about six inches or so.

“Maybe like this?” She held her fingers so I could see.

“And that was without having a stiffy…right?”

Sam nodded. I opened my purse and took out my mascara, lip stain and gloss tubes. Using her gauge, I set them down end to end on the grass.

“So…if he had a stiffy, it would be about this long?” I asked anxiously.

“Yeah…”

Taking hold of her hand again, I looked at her fingers. They were long and quite stout. Taking her pinky, I held it at the first joint.

“This is what I have.” I said softly and marked it against her gauge with my mascara. “This…” I pointed toward her gauge. “…is the size of your…problem. And this…” I pointed to part of her little finger. “…is the size of my problem. In fact my problem might even be slightly smaller.”

“You’re kidding me!” Sam was stunned. “I’ve seen clits bigger than that!” Sam looked at me in disbelief. “And what about your…” She cupped her hand and wiggled her fingers.

“My balls…?” I giggled and blushed. “Long gone… After a few years of hormone therapy, the doctor recommended that they be removed. Anyway…they never worked the way they should have and the risk of cancer would have been greater.”

“Oh my God…!” Sam was definitely stunned. “Why…?”

“Hypogonadism…” I already knew the question.

“But isn’t that treatable…?” Sam’s shocked expression said it all.

“Yeah… But I refused to take testosterone therapy.” I snickered. “My mother didn’t want anything to do with me. She saw me as a failure on her part to reproduce...adequately?. So my dad raised me. He knew that I was…different? It came as no surprise when I told him that I wanted to be a girl. I didn’t know why. It’s just that I…’felt’ like I should be one?”

“And he was cool with that?” Sam was bugged eyed.

“He took me to several different doctors…shrinks and therapists? And they all said the same thing. I was born into the wrong body and all the hormones would do is make my life weirder than it already was. They said that…to put it simply…I had a female mind set. So…” I sighed. “I was reborn…sort of.”

“Wow… When did this all begin?” Sam asked in a whisper.

“When did you know you were gay?” I replied with a giggle.

“No silly girl… I mean your…‘rebirth’?”

“When I was ten I guess. I had to be pulled out of school of course. It was already becoming a nightmare. You know… The boys room…?”

“Yeah…” Sam shook her head sadly. “It does start early.” She glanced sadly at me. “The bullying…”

‘Yeah… But it didn’t stop there. It just became different. Like…why wasn’t I all that interested in boys…or girls for that matter.” I paused for a moment. “Anybody different became an issue. You know…?”

“Yeah…especially when you can beat on the guys who made comments…” She didn’t need to finish her thought. “Have you thought about…” Sam’s voice trailed off.

“Go ahead.” I giggled knowing what she wanted to ask.

“You know…the cut…or GRS…or whatever it’s being called these days?”

Sam’s expression was so innocent that I had to giggle.

“Not until now…” I grinned. “Look… Let’s get down to it.” The big it…! “I want you in my life. I need you in my life. But if you can’t deal with that, please, please, please…” I grasped her hand. “Please know that I understand. I just couldn’t let us end the way we did.”

“Well… I have to tell you that my life has been shit. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for the past week. I guess I need you in my life as much as you need me.” Sam’s tears began to flow again. “I haven’t felt this way about anyone before…not ever.” I handed her the last of my tissues. “I’ve never met anyone who really cared like you do.” She sniffled. “All I ever got were ‘pillow princesses’..."

‘Pillow princesses’…???

“…or bottoms who expected a ‘diesel dike’.”

‘Diesel dike’…??? 'Bottoms...???' Clueless...!!!

“And I not into being either.” Sam blew her nose, now a bright rosy red. “I just want someone I could…be with? Someone I can relate to? And nobody has even come close until you.”

“Look…” I stood up and Sam did the same. “Think about it. That’s all I want you to do. Just think about what you really want…and if your want...your desire... is really me. I wouldn’t want to be with you unless I’m really what you want. And I don’t want to be with you unless being with me makes you happy.”

Sam smiled warmly at me. I could no longer resist my impulse. I threw my arms around Sam's waist and hugged her. The scent of her body was strong…but satisfying. It took Sam but a moment to put her arms around me. She buried her head into my neck and shoulder.

“You smell so fucking heavenly.” Sam muttered into my neck. “I can’t believe your hugging this fat sweaty body of mine.”

“You’re not fat. And your scent is kind of…intoxicating?” I snickered. “So what do you want to do?” It was now…or never. “I think you should take some time and just think about what you want to do…about us.”

Sam simply nodded her head. I could feel her tears against my neck. Giving her time was a chance I felt I had to take. The last thing I wanted is for me to be a rebound from…from me? As our bodies separated, I picked up my hat and Sam her bag. We began to walk away from one another slowly...backward; our eyes never straying off each another. There were smiles…warm smiles…on our faces until we both had to turn before I walked into the lake and Sam walked into the tree.

Admittedly I walked on air and smiled all the way back to the dorm. Though I might not have really been walking on air, I felt a sudden lightness of spirit one gets when a challenge is confronted and found to be not quite as frightening as anticipated. What we said to one another was good in that we both had a chance to look at our fears, face them, and maybe even deal with them.

The girls were ecstatic when I walked in with a smile on my face. They were literary bouncing up and down on their toes and screaming with joy.

“Tell us everything!” Pat demanded.

“Yeah… We want details!” Jeanie sang out. “Tell us details!”

Having some trouble containing my joy, I none the less kept my cool.

“Well…?” I lilted. “Nothing was really settled. But…?”

They were panting for whatever I had to say next.

“It went really well.” I grinned and giggled. “We talked about…things.” I couldn’t tell them what of course. “And maybe our differences weren’t all that great.”

“Yeah…?” Pat actually got in my face. “And…?” She shook me by my shoulders. “And…!” She voiced a bit louder.

“I think we’ll be okay.” I snickered. “I told her to think about what we said to one another and to take her time to be sure.”

“Sure…?” Jeanie asked with surprise. “Sure of what…?”

“I wanted her to be sure that her and me should become a ‘we’?” I grinned.

“God damn…!” Pat said excitedly and...wistfully? “This is such a fucking lesbian romance.” She sighed and smiled. "I love it!"

“So what do you think?” Jeanie prodded. “Will you two become a ‘we’?”

“Seriously…? I don’t know.” I sighed. “But at least I don’t need to worry about running into her at the coffee shop.” I giggled.

“Yeah…” Pat frowned. “I know what that’s like. I hate running into exes…especially when they’re with somebody new.”

Suddenly my phone sounded the receipt of a text message. I took it out of my purse and read the message.

‘Pizza and a movie 2nite at my place? Come as u r and bring something to wear tomorrow.’

I screamed and threw my arms up! Pat ripped the phone from my hands and, after reading the message, she screamed and threw her arms up.

“Somebody’s getting laid tonight!” Pat laughed.

Jeanie looked at the message. Her response was similar.

“Well…?” Her eyes bugged and her smile was almost painful it was so big. “I guess it’s a ‘we’!” She screamed.

“I just love lesbian rom-drams.” Pat sighed.

“Oh… I almost forgot.” I snickered. “Sam came directly from working out?”

“Yeah…?” Pat grinned.

“So we hugged each other and I think I got her perspiration on your top.” I grinned.

“Oh my God…!”

Pat immediately put her nose against the cloth and began sniffing it.

“Oh my God Pat…! That is so…barfo!” Jeanie frowned.