Change of the Mask: New Beginnings Chapter 3

……. Alex stops in his tracks as Sarah says “Can I ask you something and you not freak out Alex?”

Still not looking at her I sigh and say “I guess.”

She then does something that I wasn’t exactly expecting and sits her and myself on the ground and says “Alex, I know you’re struggling with your new surroundings. I would be myself if I were in your shoes. But what I want to ask is, who is the real you?”

As I try to figure out how to answer this, Sarah says “I have a feeling I know what the real you is but I don’t want to jump to anything.”

I sigh as tears fall from my eyes as I realize what is going on. They really are trying to help but I have done nothing but be rude. After I calmed down a bit, I looked at Sarah and say “I guess it’s time for a story about myself.”

“I’ve never been normal Sarah, to be the way I am now is honestly a miracle. From a young age, I was always a different kind of child. I didn’t fit in with anyone and was always alone. By the age of 4 I had been turned into a recluse. Someone that their parents normally would have tried to seek help for but with money tight we couldn’t afford to do much of anything. When I started school I was ridiculed. Nobody wanted to be around me. Everyone hated me for being the way I was. This whole situation could have been avoided if my father hadn’t done what he did. If you must know what he did then that’s another conversation entirely. What my parents did to me is non excusable. They just were mean and cruel. As you can probably tell, I’m very tiny for my age due to what my parents did to me. As much as I would like to go to school like a normal child, I know it’s not possible. My music playing was my true escape from society. Nobody paid much attention to a young child playing the piano the way I did. Running was just my way of staying in shape as painful as that is to admit.

I really have nowhere to go but down Sarah…… My life is in turmoil and as much as I hate your mother for leaving me in the system for as long as she did, she may have just pulled me out of my misery just enough to see the bigger picture. That whether I like it or not, I’m family to you girls now and my real self isn’t going to come out without a fight….. My parents buried my true self away years ago and all I’ve wanted since is to be the real me….. I probably make no sense at all right now.”

Sarah holds me in her arms and smiles, as she does this, I get a warm feeling inside of me that I haven’t had since I was young. I hug her back in recognition that she’s probably the closest thing I’ll ever have to a true friend.

Alyssa had long since left the room realizing that Sarah and I needed space to bond. Sarah eventually stands us both up and leads me hand in hand out of the room and into her bedroom. She goes to her closet and opens the door where she has a full length mirror hanging on the door. She then comes back over to me where she takes my hand gently and brings me over to the mirror. This is where things take a turn that I honestly never would have seen coming. She stands me up straight and puts her hands on my shoulders and says “Alex, you’ve been shattered by your awful parents and I thought we might not be able to help you out without a problem. However, in just a few short hours whether you realized it or not showed your true self. You’re a young child at heart yearning for someone to just take you in and love you for who you really are! Alex, you may not realize it but you can be yourself now. The young child who doesn’t have to worry about what others think. You really are special Alex, you’re a little princess at heart.”

I look at her in the mirror and realize that maybe she’s right. I lay on the floor and just stare, closing my eyes wondering why I’ve never thought about this like this. Sarah sits down next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder and says “Alex, it’s ok to be yourself now. Nobody will be able to hurt you now. “

I then open my eyes and look over to Sarah before saying “Sarah, I feel so awful for hiding myself for so long”

She sits me up and then says something I really should have seen coming “Alex, you have no reason to feel that way. You were just doing what you had to do until you could find yourself.”

Sarah stands up and goes over to her window and stares, I stand up and walk over to her window and stand next to her starting to cry before saying “You’re right about everything Sarah and as much as it hurts to admit this, I really am just a little girl at heart who needs her new family to help her.”

I leave Sarah’s room and go into the bathroom locking the door behind me and just collapse bawling my eyes out. What have I done to myself, I just professed my true self to someone I’ve barely even met and now I’m bawling my eyes out in the aftermath. My life is going to end the very moment I come out of this room, or so I thought.

It was at that moment that I heard a gentle concerned voice from the other side of the door. “Alex, please listen to me for a minute. Nobody was trying to hurt you, it’s ok to be yourself and we love you for whoever you really are. Please don’t hurt yourself as I can probably imagine you thinking about doing. Come out here sweetheart and I’ll explain everything to you.”

I then became furious and said “You were trying to break me to the point where I just said my innermost thoughts to your daughter like it was no big deal and now you want to try and give me an explanation for all this?! No, there is only one explanation for all that has transpired and that is that you all left me in the system so I could break just enough to where when you brought me home with you I would have no choice but to confess what you already knew was true. You probably already have a little girls room set up too just to add salt in the wound. You guys are no better than mom and dad you jerks!

I then sat down and just sobbed for what seemed like a lifetime. The person on the other side of the door had left and everything just felt like a blur to me…. I knew something was up from the start, now they just mentally scarred me and I’m shaking. The only thing that I have any sort of feeling about is my stomach. I just want to throw up at the situation that is transpiring. Part of me doesn’t even know if anything I said is even true.

I honestly have no idea how long I sat there wallowing in my sorrow. I have no feelings for anyone right now. I hate who I am and I professed who I really am but why? Am I really that insane that I’m a 10 year old boy who wants to be a little girl?

At this point I hear a knock on the door and then someone says “ Alex, it’s Sarah. Can we talk? I’m sorry for everything. Really I am, I knew you were broken but I pushed you too far and now you’re a wreck.”

I sit in silence not knowing what to say before she continues “We love you Alex, really we do. We want to help you, but we can’t do that unless you let us. Please let me in Alex. Let someone help you get better.”

I just look out of the window in the bathroom for a moment before sighing and saying “Why should I even care about myself anymore Sarah, you’re the only one in this family who really cares about me. I haven’t cared about my well-being in years. Why should I do anything different now?”

The moment of silence is deafening but she goes on to say “Alex,I know you’re hurt by everything that has gone on to this point. Only you can change your future Alex and we’re here to guide you on that journey whatever that may be.”

I start to tear up again at the fact that I now have a safe place to be myself for the first time in my life. I move away from the door and unlock it letting Sarah come in.

Upon coming in she sits down beside me and pulls me into a hug. “Let it out Alex, I’m here for you”

I hug her whilst the tears kept coming and she just sat there with me while my emotions ran free.

By this point I’m falling asleep in Sarah’s arms and she says “Why don’t we go take a nap in your new room Alex?”

I look at her groggily and just nodded. She helped me up off the floor and led me to my new room. Before she opened the door she said to me “I hope you enjoy what we put together for you Alex. We knew who you were inside before we met you and thought you would appreciate this type of room better than what you might be used to.” She pecks a kiss on my forehead before opening the door.

Once the door is open and she leads me into my new room, I can only stand in awe of what they went through the trouble to do for me.

Sarah let’s me go take things in without her guidance and I immediately start tearing up happily. I walk around the room in pure bliss and awe. I see my new bed and can only think “Wow” As I walk towards it I start to feel better about everything all of a sudden.

Sarah then says to me “Alex, why don’t we get something more comfortable on to lay down in”

She goes over to the dresser in the room and grabs a few things out of it before laying it all out on the bed for me.

She does all this while I’m staring out the window on the other side of the room quietly.

She looks at me by the window and smiles before saying “Alex? Are you ready?”

I turn to face her and when I see what is on the bed my jaws drop in awe.

She sees my reaction and says “Come here and let’s get you settled.”

I slowly head towards her and the closer I get the more I feel secure and less anxious.

Once I am standing next to her I look at her and then the bed before she asks “Do you want help? Or are you ok?

I look at her before saying quietly “I think I can manage.”

She looks back at me before saying “I’m going to go get something on myself Alex, if you need anything just let me know ok?”

I nod and she walks out of the room shutting the door behind her.

I turn back to the bed and look closer at what Sarah had gotten out for me and honestly I couldn’t believe what had happened. As I started changing clothes I started feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. As I got to the last piece of clothing that Sarah had gotten out for me I questioned my sanity as I held the garment in my hands. Was I really ready to be myself and be the little girl of the house? As wonderful as all this clothing feels, I can’t help but feel like something is missing.

Sarah knocks on my door asking if she can come back in and I just say yes. As she comes back in she notices that I’m just sitting there thinking about something. Then she notices what I have in my hands and sits down next to me and puts her arm around me.

“Mom thought it might be easier on you these first few nights here if you had a little protection to give you a bit of security in case something happens. I know it’s not something that you might be used to but it’s there just in case you need it. Do you want help putting it on?”

As scared as I am of my new surroundings I just nod and she does the necessary to help me feel comfortable in my new surroundings. After the garment is finally on she takes me over to my own mirror and says “You look so sweet. Let’s have a little nap and then we can figure out what to do next.”

I look in the mirror and smile. I know my place now, and you know what? I think I like this more than I realized. I twirl my fingers through my hair as I say “Um Sarah?”

She looks at me and smiles before going “Yes?”

I look at her and wonder how to say this “Sarah, I can’t believe I’m saying this but….”

She looks at me curiously before saying “but what?”

I put my arms around her in a hug before saying “I can’t thank you enough for all this…. I’m free for the first time in my life.

I start to cry again and Sarah pulls me into a tight hug before saying “Alex, I love you so much, you have a long journey ahead of you let’s take it easy on your first day ok?”

I look up at her and she wipes the tears off my face before leading me to my bed where we snuggle up together.