Light a Candle

I backed away from Mr. Martin and stood in the middle of the hallway with three million voices running through my mind—all of them screaming sand laughing at me, with the exception of one, but it next to impossible to hear through the din. The yelling was so loud I kneeled to the floor and closed my eyes in an attempt to silence it all.

“Hey, what are you doing on the ground?”
I shook my head back and forth—not wanting to hear anyone.
“Kyle, hey, look up.”
I recognized the voice and my eyes flashed open to see Emily standing in front of me.
“Why are you sitting on the floor?”
She held her hand out and I hastily took it and got up.
“Emily!” I embraced her in a huge hug. “What happened?”
“Another car,” she replied.
“What?” I asked as I held onto her.
“We stopped to help someone on the side of the road and and another car come up from over the hill and didn’t our car. Or me.”
I raised my head from off her shoulder, fearing that I was in a scene from “A Nightmare on Elm Street”, and took a step back.
“Nothing like that at all, Kyle. I’m okay, as you can see. No, cuts or scars. It’s a tranquil feeling, actually.”
I was in disbelief that she was right in front of me and I took a step back.
"What's wrong? Why are you moving away?"
“You’re not. You’re…you’re here, alive?”
“In a way,” she replied.
“In what way?”
“Can we go for a walk?” She asked as she reached out for my hand. I took it and we walked down the hallway.
I opened the door and we stepped out into the cold and cloudy elements.

“I should've been the one to die.” I said without any emotion.
“Don’t say that.”
“If you hadn’t had to take me home…”
“Then I’d still still be here? I’m here right now,” She replied as I shivered form the cold. Emily still had my grey jacket.
“You had so much to give to people. I have nothing to offer the world.”
“Not true. Scarlett thinks the world of you. Charlotte said you okay—believe me that’s a good thing. My parents really like, and I love you, so, you have more to offer people than you know.”
“Can I go with you?”
She shook her head.
"Why not?" I asked as all of the mental and emotional blocks I tried to place up were smashed away.
“Because you have to live.”
"But I can't live without you now! I couldn't make it through this morning school without seeing you."
“You will have to live without me being here,” she said as we stopped walking and she placed her free hand on my chest. “But I will always be here.”
“But I want you to be with me.”
“You will be, one day.”
“How do I keep going?”
Emily grabbed onto my other hand. “You’re not alone. You never have been. Yes, people are cruel. Teenagers are monsters, we both know that, but we also know there are people out there who are meant to bring happiness to others.”
“I don’t bring happiness to—”
She placed a finger on my lips “You brought it to me.”
I bowed my head and nodded.
“You can bring it to others. Somewhere out there, someone’s hurting, and you’ll be the one to help them, to give your life for them. I would have for you.”
“You would have?”
“I pushed the woman out of the way of the car, she fell onto my dad and they were pushed a bit when the car struck hers. I didn’t think twice about about it, I just knew I had to do it. You would have too.”
I wanted to deny that I would. I wanted to say that I would never do that, but I knew I would have done the same.
“She’s okay and so is her baby.”
“You knew she was pregnant?
“She was pretty big, it was also why she couldn’t change the tire by herself. She seemed nice.”
“Emily?”
“Yes?”
“Just tell me this all a nightmare and that I’ll wake up and and everything will be the same.”
“It’s not a nightmare, Kyle. I guess it’s like a waking dream. Hey, you’re having a dream about me that you’ll remember. How about that?”
“I don’t want to ever wake up if it means you’ll be gone.”
“I’ll never be gone from you.”
I bit my lip. “I mean next to me.”
“I don’t want you to think that way. I want you to live. Live. Like. Us. Like how we have been.”
“How?”
“Ask my dad” Emily said as she moved in to hug me. “He can show you.”
“You I dad?”
“Yes,” she replied as she kissed my cheek.

And then faded away.
 

PS: Morning Star

I felt like blaming you for everything bad that happened in my life. If I never heard of your rules or stories, then I would have felt free from any punishment. I could have felt no pain or remorse form not doing anything for anybody or myself. Free to just give it all up the way I wanted to…but no.

No, you had to talk to me a few times.
You had to say I was worth something when everyone else turned away…when I even turned away form myself. The self-inflected pain compounded by my cloudy mind were supposed to be the end of me. I wanted to die several times but never could—my attempts were thwarted and when I felt that I had finally succeeded I found myself in the hospital and then back to school, back to what I felt to be a literal Hell.

A Hell I blamed you form putting me back into!
Why? What did I do to deserve that life sentence? Didn’t you hear all those times I said I wanted to leave? To go home? That’s what was always said, right? That this isn’t my home and so much more is awaiting me so why not let me skip all of this and just go now?

Then I met Emily, and now I understand.

Thank you.

signed,
Kyle Jovankah