In this chapter, Carl visits the psychologist Brianna has been seeing over the summer. After a brief chat with Carl, the psychologist brings in Brianna, who asks her older brother a question that could have a profound effect on both of their lives.

Brianna's Big Brother - Chapter 5
Copyright 2008 by Heather Rose Brown
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After Dad signed us in at the receptionist window, we followed her directions to Dr. Morton's office. Riding here in a car with no air conditioning in the blistering summer heat hadn't been fun. Even though the cool of the office building was a relief, the sick feeling I'd had getting here hadn't gone away.

Dad and I had just sat down next to Mom when the door at the far end of the waiting room was opened by an older man with greying hair and a neatly trimmed beard. Brianna's face lit up when she came through the door behind him.

"Carl!" Her pigtails bounced as she ran across the room. She probably would have knocked me over if I hadn't already been sitting down when she leaped at me and hugged me tight.

"Hey Bri," I said as I hugged her back.

"I thought you said you didn't need to see Dr Morton," she said as she released me and stood back up.

"Well, after Mom took you here, me and Dad sorta had a talk, and I decided to at least give this whole 'talking things out' stuff a chance."

The man who'd come through the door with Brianna strode across the room until he was standing behind her. "Good afternoon," he said in a warm, deep voice. "I'm Dr. Morton. Would you happen to be this young lady's brother?"

Even though I felt a little nervous talking to someone I'd just met, there was something about the way he stood and the gentleness in his eyes that made him a lot less scary than I'd expected. "Ermm, yeah. Sorry for not coming in before."

"Not a problem at all, Carl. Most people feel a bit uneasy about talking to head shrinkers."

Hearing a psychiatrist calling himself as a head shrinker hit my funny bone. I tried to keep down the laughter bubbling up, but a snort managed to slip out. Okay, maybe it was more of a giggle, but it was a very manly one.

The doctor smiled and held out a hand towards the door he'd just come through. "Would you like to join me for a little chat?"

The dread I was feeling after I'd told Dad I'd talk to the doctor was almost gone. I wasn't about to start skipping or anything, but I was able to follow Dr. Morton out of the waiting room without feeling like I was passing through the gates of hell.

After leading me into what looked more like a living room than an office, the doctor asked me to sit anywhere I felt comfortable as he closed the door. I decided on an overstuffed chair near the window and felt like I was being held in a warm, gentle hug as I eased myself down into it.

The doctor sat in a similar chair next to mine and smiled as he looked at me for a moment. The intense glare I'd been expecting wasn't there. It was more of a friendly, grandfatherly look. "First of all, I'd like to thank you for coming today, Carl."

That caught me a bit off guard. "Whatcha thanking me for?"

"Well," he answered as he leaned forward in his seat, "after hearing about the wonderful big brother Brianna's been telling me about, I've been hoping to get a chance to meet you."

I could feel my ears turning warm. "She must have been making up stories then. I'm not that great of a brother."

The doctor's eyebrows popped up and his eyes widened with surprise. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, when I'd first been told my little brother was my little sister, I pretty much just ignored her for a while."

Doctor Morton nodded, then was very still for a moment before asking, "How'd you feel during this time?"

Something about being asked about that time got under my skin and I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Mostly, pissed off."

Instead of getting mad at me for swearing like my parents would, he just nodded. "You said, 'mostly'. Does that mean you felt other things as well?"

"Well, I felt kinda lonely too."

"Why'd you feel lonely?"

I had to think about that for a minute. "I guess it's 'cause when I was told I had a sister instead of a brother, it felt like my brother disappeared. I know this sounds stupid, but it felt like she killed him."

"That doesn't sound stupid at all. Many people have a sense of loss when they find out someone close to them is transgendered."

"So, what do they do when they feel like that?"

"There are as many responses as there are people responding. Quite a few react the way you did, by trying to ignore what's going on."

I hung my head and sighed. "I can't believe I did that to her."

The doctor lifted my chin until I was looking at him. "It's okay to feel bad about what you did, but try not to let it pull you down. You did eventually reach out to her, which shows a great deal of maturity for someone your age."

The 'someone your age' comment made me bristle. "I don't know if I feel all that mature. If I was, I probably woulda dealt with finding out about Brianna like my parents did and just moved on."

"Do you feel your parents weren't affected when they found out their son was their daughter?"

"I dunno. They were like all smiles when they broke the news to me, and they've been acting like Brian never existed and Brianna was always here."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I felt like I was the only one who cared Brian was gone."

"Do you still miss Brian?"

"Yeah, sorta."

"Why do you say, 'sorta'?"

"Well, it ain't exactly like he's gone. He's just become my sister."

"How do you feel about having a sister?"

"It's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I still get times when I feel awkward around her, but mostly it feels like she's the same person Brian was, just in a different package." From the way Doctor Morton's shoulders were hunched up, I got the feeling there was something behind the questions he wasn't saying. "Why'd you ask?"

He slowly brought his palms together, stretched out his fingers, and stared at his hands for a few seconds. He had a much more serious expression when he looked up. "When I first met Brianna, she mentioned wanting to ask you a particular question. I managed to convince her to wait until I got an opportunity to talk to you."

"What'd she wanna ask me?"

"I think it'd be best if she asked you herself. Would you mind if I brought her in here?"

When I nodded, he took in a deep breath and smiled before walking out of the room. My imagination went pretty wild with all kinds of ideas while I was left alone, but I still hadn't come up with anything that made much sense when the doctor came back into the room with Brianna.

"Why don't you sit in the chair next to your brother," he suggested while patting her shoulder.

"Hi Carl," she said, giving me a nervous smile as she sat down.

"Hey Bri," I answered hoping I didn't come across as nervous as she did. "What's up?"

She turned to Dr. Morton, who was sitting down on the sofa across from us. "It's okay for me to ask now?"

He gave her a slow nod. "Just take your time, and remember that it's still okay to change your mind if you'd like."

"I don't wanna change my mind." She turned back to me. "It's somethin' I just really gotta ask."

Curiosity about what the mysterious question was mixed with fear of what could make the question so hard for my sister. "Go ahead and ask. I'll do my best to listen."

Brianna took in a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "Well, first I wanna say it's really meant an awful lot how nice you been to me. You ain't teased me 'bout how I looked or acted or anything like that."

"Well," I said after thinking about spending the past few months with my new sister, "that ain't exactly true. There were actually a few times I remember teasing you, like when I'd told you your pigtails looked like puppydog ears."

Some of her nervousness faded as she grinned. "Well, yeah, but that was just regular big-brother teasing. I was thinkin' more 'bout how ya din't tease me for dressin' like a girl an' actin' like one."

I frowned while trying to make sense of what she just said. "Why would I tease you about that? You're a girl, ain't ya?"

Her grin shifted into a thoughtful smile. "Yeah. At least, I think I am. I know I've felt happier an' ... more me this summer than I ever been. But I also feel kinda bad, 'cause I had to take somethin' from ya to do that."

"Whatcha talking about?" I asked, feeling even more confused.

She stood up and took both of my hands in hers. "What I'm trying to say is, I've had a really great summer, but. ..."

I studied my little sister's face. Joy and grief seemed to be battling there. Unshed tears sparkled in her eyes. "But what?" I asked, barely able to speak at the sight of her in so much pain.

"But, I had to take away your brother to do that, an' I feel awful. That's why I was wondering if you'd. ..." She bit her lower lip and took in deep breath before continuing. "I was just wondering if you'd like me to go back to being Brian again."

It took a minute before my lungs started working again. "You wanna go back to being Brian?"

She started shaking her head, then shrugged. "I dunno. I've liked being a girl, but it ain't worth it if it hurts ya."

What I had just been offered started sinking in. I stood up and wrapped my arms around the person who'd been my brother for almost ten years and, for the past few months, had been my sister. "What I want, more than anything else, is for you to be happy."

Bri pulled back and looked up at me. "But me bein' happy means you bein' sad."

"What makes you think I'm sad?"

" 'Cause ya lost yer brother an' ya miss him ... I mean me."

"What I missed was *you*. After spending the summer with you, and seeing things like how you still slurp your cereal, or how you're still afraid of climbing trees, but do it anyway when I'm up in one, or how you still feel the same when I hug you ... I realized I didn't lose you. You're still you; you're just a little different."

My little sister blinked and a tear slid down her cheek before she nearly cracked my ribs with a hug. "I love you, Carl," she whispered.

For a moment, I felt very aware of the doctor being there and kinda stiffened when I realized another guy was seeing me being mushy. Eventually, I decided I really didn't care and started sniffling as I held my little sister close. "I love you too, Brianna. No matter what you do or what you call yourself, I'll always love you."