CHAPTER 21
They wheeled me off to the maternity ward, or somewhere, and all I remember is watching the lights pass overhead. I was utterly exhausted, but they got me in, after some rather painful cleaning up, and Mam had a new nighty for me, which made an amazing difference.

Hang on. Mam?

“When did you get here?”

“Three and a half hours ago, love. I stopped to get you some fresh stuff. Thought you’d want it”

“Yeah, but I only went I there… Mam, how long was I messing about? Labour?”

Blake looked in from the other side of me.

“About four hours and twenty-three minutes, love. Not that I was clock-watching or anything”

“Shit! Sorry, Mam. I thought it was a lot shorter than that”

She laughed, happily, and dabbed a tear away.

“A bit busy you were, my darling, isn’t it? Anyway, we have a child, which means we need a name, he needs one that is”

Carefully, so carefully, she brought me little man to me from the cot, a wire on his finger and a soft fleece cap on his head, and Mam had been sensible with the nighty, which had buttons on the front, and there are no words for what I felt just then.

The boy settled, I looked at Blake for confirmation, and he just nodded. I took a breath, let it out, and said my piece.

“Mam, we have both talked about this a lot, and we came to a decision which might not sit easily with you and Dad. We still have you both with us, and no, we’re not looking to get rid of you!”

“Cheeky girl!”

I settled my child a little more comfortably on my breast, and reached for Blake’s hand.

“We decided to give a boy his other grandfather’s name, as he isn’t here to confuse people. Honour his memory. Someone I never met, Mam. Never got the chance”

Blake squeezed my hand gently.

“He would have been proud of you, love”

Mam took his other hand across the bed.

“And of you, son. We both are, Dad and me. What was his name?”

“Rhodri”

“A good Welsh name. Dad will be happy with that”

I looked across at Blake once more, and he nodded, so I turned back to my mother to complete things.

“Mam, we have a middle name for him as well, another one that’s gone”

She sat up straighter, head tilting to one side ever so slightly.

“I am thinking that this name, the person isn’t dead? Just sort of moved on in life?”

I knew I could never hide my surprise successfully from Mam, so I didn’t try.

“What name do you think I am suggesting, Mam?”

“Not difficult, love. You were always talking about him”

“No I wasn’t!”

She grinned. “Yes you were! Especially when you spent so much time just happening to be passing the hospital. Anyway, I saw the news”

I winced, and she dropped Blake’s hand to hold mine in both of hers.

“No, love, not just that bomb. I saw a copy of the Sun a while ago”

It was her turn to wince.

“I read what I needed standing up in Smith’s. Yes, I know what I always say, it’s not a lending library, buy it or put it back, but just that once, aye? I read what I needed, and I looked it up on the computer. I know what she did, and I know what she is hoping for with that man of hers. Kids, Duw! That is not something I find easy, you two”

Once more, there was a tear, but she waved Blake away as he passed her a towel.

“Got my handbag, isn’t it? What handbags are for. Son, you know how precious our girl is to me—yes, yes. We know what she is to you as well, so no need to say”

I tried to lighten things a little.

“I still like to hear him tell me, though”

“Aye, well. Mark and me, we couldn’t, ever again. Di was our one and only, Blake, and that is something that makes it even harder to bear hearing about such things. That trial you had in Chester…”

I squeezed her hand back, raising an eyebrow in silent enquiry”

“Yes, love. Dad and me follow all of your cases, all the ones we know about. Proud of you, we are, but we’ve had enough of kids being hurt. The name you are suggesting will be Adam, then. Does she know?”

I felt my mouth twist.

“Not the sort of thing you can go and tell someone who’s getting married, is it?”

“Ah. When you dyed your hair! You are a sneaky baggage, Diane Sutton! What is he like, then, this man?”

Blake interrupted my reply before I could get it clear in my head.

“He has heart, Dot. Real courage. I think he really, really cares for her. I would be proud to count him as a friend. I don’t know if that will ever be possible, but that’s how I feel”

“Rhodri Adam Sutton it is, then. Dad will be happy with that. Now, they are only letting a few visitors in, two maximum. You have friends outside who I think should be allowed to say hello, at least from a distance. That writer, the social worker woman, and those other two young people who know that pig Evans”

I was so grateful to her for that little moment of courtesy to Paula. Grateful, and proud. She could have described her in so many ways, but she chose the nicest. Over the next few minutes, Charlie, Tiff, Paula and Deb took their turn in the doorway to wave at me and little Rhodri Adam, and Mam’s definition of the purpose of a handbag was definitely on target.

Home, eventually, an escape from a hugely exhausting round of tests and hospital food, but not from our repeater alarm clock. Little Rhod was not one of those mythical children who immediately learn to sleep through the night, and for several months I wondered whether I was going to end up more exhausted from the waking and feeding cycle than from the horrendous work of actually bringing him into the world. I made the mistake of asking my dear husband what I had done to deserve such purgatory, and he just laughed and told me he could show me later on exactly what I had done. Sod.

We had visitors, of course, but they only came in the daytime, the sensible and devious buggers. Elaine and Siân were over regularly, their envy (thanks, Mam) so clear now, and we had some days out with the boy, including a party laid on in the safe house that had most of the girls and women there almost fighting to be next to hold him or feed him from a warmed bottle. None of them were so keen when he needed changing, but that didn’t surprise me. I suppose I got used to the smell, in the end, but it almost had a physical presence in the room with me, looking over my shoulder and passing acerbic comments on the quality of my milk.

The presence of so many visitors had another side-effect that I only fully understood in later years, in driving away any hint or shadow of post-natal depression. The only times I was left alone with my child I seemed to spend dozing with him, except, of course, for those few nights when Blake was away on some op or other, and I had to do the plod to the room we had set up as a nursery. I actually thought of that word, ‘plod’, one night, as I fed him, and started giggling so much he got hiccups from the bouncing and had to be burped, which produced an… entertaining example of infantile regurgitation all over the towel I had sensibly laid over my shoulder before starting the patting and rubbing process.

It was Elaine who brought the news from Sussex, as the trial ran its incredibly short course. We were hot-desking, or rather hot-armchairing, Gemma and her boyfriend departing just as Elaine and her wife arrived, so the seat use was almost seamless. Gem had, of course, left us some treats, so as I held Rhod and Siân did kettle duty, my old boss brought me up to date.

“It was a real can of worms, Di. Well, can of vermin, really. Annie’s OK, but she did say one of the culprits scared the shit out of her. Paramilitary type, aye?”

“Aye. Yeah. What in hell was all that about?”

“You filtering your language for the boy now, girl?”

“Yeah, sort of. Trying not to drop F-bombs, at least”

She took her cup from Siân, and waited for us all to settle before continuing.

“Getting a lot of this from our sister, aye? And Annie’s mad friend is filling in the gaps. Her friend is back at work, the one who got blown up. Light duties as yet, but apparently he has his sense of humour back. Nice guy, he is”

“What was it about, Lainey?”

“Sorry, side-tracked. His old girlfriend, that is what”

“You are taking the--- You are kidding!”

“Nope. Bit more than that, of course. Den’s whistleblowing met up with Annie’s kiddy fiddlers, and Den’s lot had contacts over the water who owed a favour. Their own lot shopped them, or at least two of them. Look how committed to peace and coexistence we are, and so on. I was going to say something about ‘bollocks’, but you’ve got me doing it now”

“You did say it, though”

“Oh, shut up. Anyway, there’s the old bitch behind the kiddy stuff, and she’s banged away with a woman called Helen Dodd, and it turns out she was actually engaged to Dennis for a while”

She paused, reaching for her wife’s hand.

“We have a cousin, Di. Vicky”

“I remember her from the trial. She was a bit ready to drop then”

Elaine looked at her wife, eyebrows raised, and the redhead nodded sharply. Elaine brought her hand to her lips and kissed it.

“Thanks, Cariad. Needs saying, I think, and Di is someone we can trust. Girl, Vicky has a lovely pair of kids, but she was pregnant once before. Nasty little shit she was with persuaded her to get rid of it, just before he dumped her”

“What a bastard!”

“Absolutely. Anyway, seems our Dennis isn’t like that. Got Dodd up the duff, so he being a soppy romantic, he does what he thinks of as the right thing, one knee, the lot, aye? And she says ‘yes’ just before trotting off to the family-planning clinic and doing what Vicky did”

I held my little man to me, and waited for my distaste to ease. Bastards. Both of them. Elaine wasn’t finished, though.

“Dodd is related somehow to the family Den dobbed in, the Cuthberts. I don’t know exactly how, but she’s one of them, and she doesn’t take being told ‘no’ easily. I think she was the real mover on that load of crap. Dennis is going to be a dad himself, and Kirsty, his missus, was involved in sorting the kiddy fiddlers, so, well, there you have it. Dodd lashing out”

I could see the envy there still, made worse by two women who had, for their own reasons, decided to dispose of their little passengers. I found myself speaking through gritted teeth

“What did the nice judge give the dear Ms Dodd, Lainey?”

She grinned, and it was just like Sammy at his most frightening.

“Oh, she avoided prison, girl”

“What the fuck? Sorry! Filter slipping. How?”

“She’s absolutely hatstand, Di. Off her trolley, aye? Secure accommodation, rest of her natural, I suspect. According to Kirsty, Den said she was always on the edge. Best place for her that isn’t six feet under, I would say”

She sat silent for a minute or so before brightening up.

“Anyway, what we were talking about the other day. Kev, that’s Vicky’s husband, he’s ready to book us a villa for the Summer. Greece again. You up for that? Nine go mad on moussaka?”

Siân laughed.

“You aren’t blonde anymore, so you won’t need so much sunblock”

Elaine lifted the edge of her wife’s hair, grinning.

“Don’t ask! We order a tanker delivery to the villa”

Lighter ground, thankfully, and of course we got the laptop out so that Elaine could log onto her photosharing account and give me the hard sales pitch.

I would need waterwings and sunhat for Rhod… Swimming cossie for me that covered Mummy-belly… Don’t mention it to Dad or I’d be deluged in guides and phrasebooks… Don’t mention it to Chris or I’d be given a full list of gay bars to investigate…

“Sounds good to me, ladies!”