“I thought I was getting used to the idea of being a girl, but... I guess I wasn’t as used to it as I thought.”
“Hmm. You said you’d wanted to be a boy. Why do you care which you are?”
“I was a boy before the Divergence. And... I’ve lived as a boy ever since, even though I technically wasn’t. My aunt and uncle and all the kids at school treated me like a boy, and the idea of being a girl is hard to get used to even though I’ve known for a long time that it might happen.”
You Could Go Home Again
part 4 of 16
by Trismegistus Shandy
This story is set in my "Valentine Divergence" setting, like my earlier stories "Butterflies are the Gentlest", A House Divided, and "Nora and the Nomads". I've tried to write it as a stand-alone, but if you find it confusing, reading those earlier stories first, or at least "Butterflies are the Gentlest", might help.
Thanks to Unicornzvi, epain, and Scott Jamison for their comments on the first draft.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. So are my last several stories posted here, although I forgot to put the CC license notice in some of them.
I told my friends about the Halloween party; Amy, George and Radhika said they wanted to come, but Rob had other plans with Sarah and Rico. We brainstormed about costumes, and scrounged up bits and pieces from the things we’d brought and things we ran out and bought at the last minute. Radhika and George, whose families lived nearby, went home to find stuff for their costumes and for mine and Amy’s. On Halloween, Amy and I returned our dorm after supper and changed, then met up with George in the lobby of Alexander Hall. Radhika and Paul were waiting for us.
Radhika was wearing a warrior princess outfit, with fake chainmail over a bikini and a plastic sword as long as her arm. She was also wearing a tiara she’d borrowed from Rob. Paul — I’d outgrown him in the weeks since the semester started, so he was now the shortest of us — was wearing a bushy beard and plastic plate-mail with a helmet, and an ax at his side. The effect was spoiled somewhat because he was sitting in Radhika’s lap.
George was wearing an officer’s uniform from one of the old pre-Divergence Star Trek shows, with a plastic visor that covered the smooth space where most other species have eyes. He said his dad used to wear the uniform to conventions back in the day; he’d adjusted it to fit him better.
Amy and I were dressed as characters from post-Divergence serials; she was India West, a spy from an obscure serial produced in Athens (she’d shown me a couple of episodes and it was fairly good). I was Ed Crenshaw, a girl about the age I appeared to be, from “Shifting Alliances,” a Raleigh-based dramedy I’d been watching for several years. She (and the actor who played her) was kind of like me; she’d been a boy before the Divergence. I wore my denim skirt and a glittery T-shirt with green ribbons on my head, Ed’s signature outfit from the show. Maybe I was cheating by not wearing a science fictional or fantastic costume, but I suspected I wouldn’t be the only one. (“Shifting Alliances” had some fantasy elements now and then, but not every episode.)
We walked together to the student center, where the science fiction and fantasy society was hosting the party.
“Nice costumes,” I said to Radhika and Paul. “Are you just generally a warrior princess and a dwarf, or some specific characters I should recognize?”
“Nobody in particular,” said Radhika. “What about you?”
“I’m Ed Crenshaw from ‘Shifting Alliances,’” I explained.
“I’ve seen a few episodes,” Paul said. “A friend of mine in high school was a big fan, but I couldn’t get into it... I didn’t like the way it portrayed the hyena characters.”
I nodded. “I guess the first season was kind of problematic that way. They’ve done better in later seasons, though.”
We went into the student center and looked around. The party was supposed to be in a big meeting hall, but it looked like it had spilled into the lobby; there were people in costume standing around talking, and couples and triads sitting on the couches making out.
We went into the meeting hall where the main party was. Radhika saw someone she knew and went off to talk with them, and Paul went with her. Amy, George and I headed over to the refreshments table; after I got a plate of cheese and crackers, and looked around the room again, I saw Katie nearby. There was a girl with him, a Raleigh rabbit; they were dressed in matching uniforms, probably from some TV show or vid serial I wasn’t familiar with. I went over to say hi.
“Oh, hi, Joel,” Katie said as I approached. “This is my girlfriend, Madison.”
“Hi,” Madison said. “Oh, I know, you’re that girl from ‘Shifting Alliances’ — I love that show. Have you seen the latest episode?”
“No, I’ve gotten behind trying to keep up with classes.”
“I won’t tell you about it, then. But it’s a good one.”
“So how are you doing?” Katie asked. “You adjusting okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. It was... a little bit of a disappointment, at first, but I knew what to expect, so it wasn’t a big surprise.”
“This is the person I told you about,” Katie said to Madison; “she grew up a long way from any other Raleigh rabbits and didn’t start puberty until she came here for college.”
“Oh! You didn’t start until the end of August?”
“Yeah,” I said. “The doctor says it’s going faster than normal.”
“I’ll say... Um, what did you mean by disappointment?”
“Oh,” I said, looking intently at my shoes, “I was kind of hoping I’d be a boy. But, like I said, I knew it wasn’t likely.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a girl.”
“I didn’t say there was.”
We talked about “Shifting Alliances” for a little while — mostly me and Madison, with Katie pitching in now and then. After a few minutes I said I’d talk to them later, and circulated to talk to other people. I found George talking to a couple of Raleigh rabbits, also dressed in Star Trek uniforms but from a different era of the show, and he introduced me to them. Of course they thought I was a child prodigy who’d started college early. I was getting really tired of explaining myself to every Raleigh rabbit I met, and I decided to have some fun with these two. “Yeah, I graduated when I was twelve, but I took a year off to start a business before I started college.”
“Really? What kind of business?” asked Larry, the guy of the pair. I noticed George was looking really amused, but he didn’t laugh out loud and give me away.
“We made alternate reality games. I sold the company for a little over a million dollars not long before I started school.”
“Wow!” said Bill, Larry’s girlfriend. “But with that kind of money and smarts, why are you going to school here?”
“I’m just messing with you,” I said, and I explained why I really looked the way I did. From Bill and Larry’s expressions I wasn’t sure if they thought it was any more plausible than my first story.
A few minutes later I went to the ladies' room. When I sat down and pulled down my panties, I saw a few drops of blood on the pad. I was numb with shock and sat there staring at the blood for I don’t know how long after I’d finished peeing. At some point I wondered if I should change it for a fresh pad, but it didn’t look like much blood yet and I figured it could stand to absorb some more. Finally I wiped and pulled the panties back up.
Madison came in while I was washing my hands, and looked at me in the mirror. “What’s wrong?”
How could she tell? “Nothing — I, um, I just started my period.”
She was silent a moment. “Oh. And — it’s your first one, right?”
I nodded. She rummaged in her purse. “Do you need to borrow a pad or tampon...?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve been wearing one — a pad, I mean — ever since Dr. Mathers said it could start any time. But it’s still kind of a shock.”
“I know,” she said. “I guess more so for you, because you’re older than most girls are when they have their first period.”
“I thought I was getting used to the idea of being a girl, but... I guess I wasn’t as used to it as I thought.”
“Hmm. You said you’d wanted to be a boy. Why do you care which you are?”
“I was a boy before the Divergence. And... I’ve lived as a boy ever since, even though I technically wasn’t. My aunt and uncle and all the kids at school treated me like a boy, and the idea of being a girl is hard to get used to even though I’ve known for a long time that it might happen.”
“Well, you might be a boy again sometime or other. I was a boy for several years, and changed into a girl after I started college.”
“Was it hard? I guess maybe not, if you were a girl before the Divergence...?” I was pretty sure “Madison” used to be a girl’s name, from the books I’d read and the vids I’d seen, although I’d never met a girl with that name back in Hebron.
“Being a little girl is very different from being a grown woman. Yeah, it was a lot to get used to, but I adjusted pretty quick. So will you, I think.”
“Thanks.”
We left the restroom and split up; I got some more refreshments and then joined Radhika and Paul where they were talking to some other friends, whom they introduced me to. There was a Charlotte porcupine going around with a camera and taking pictures of everyone in costume; he took pictures of me and each of the others, asked us who our costumes were supposed to be, and made notes about it on his tablet.
Later on the officers of the science fiction and fantasy society got up on a platform and made announcements. They awarded prizes for the best costumes in several categories — I didn’t win any, not that I would have expected to with my mundane costume even if I’d known about the contest. Radhika and Paul won for best couple, though, and when the chairman of the contest jury called for them to come up and get their prize, they were nowhere to be found. Radhika later told me they’d left early to make out.
A little while after that, I started getting tired, and looked around for Amy or George or somebody who lived in our dorm to walk back with. I didn’t see them at first, and circulated to get a better view (I was still shorter than most people there, though a couple of inches taller than when the semester started). While I was looking for them, I ran into the couple in the Star Trek uniforms I’d met earlier, Larry and Bill.
“Have you seen George?” I asked them. Larry shook his head, but Bill said:
“I think he was going to the restroom — at least I saw him heading in that direction.”
“Oh, thanks.” I was about to go out to the lobby and wait outside the men’s room for him, but Larry held a hand up.
“Just a minute, if you don’t mind?”
“Okay, what is it?” My hip was aching from standing up for so long, and I was putting more weight on my cane than usual.
“We liked that little hoax you played on us; you’ve got a wicked sense of humor. Are you going to be at next week’s meeting?” When they announced the costume contest results, the club officers had also invited everyone to the next regular meeting of the science fiction and fantasy society.
“Um, maybe. I don’t know.” I wanted to go find a chair or sofa where I could see the restroom doors, and sit down until George came out.
“We’d like to see you there. And... maybe you’d like to join us for dinner tomorrow? We’re going to Jasmine Mediterranean Bistro, across the street from the main library.”
I gaped at him. “Is this a date?”
“If you like,” he said, and Bill put in:
“We know you look young, but you said you were eighteen, so...”
“Um, thanks, but — I don’t think I’m ready to start dating yet.” After a brief pause, I blurted out: “Maybe next semester?”
“Maybe then. I hope we’ll see you at the meeting next week.”
“Maybe. Thanks.” I hobbled out of the meeting hall to the lobby and was glad to find an empty chair. I didn’t see George come out of the men’s room, but fifteen or twenty minutes later he and Amy found me and we walked back to our dorm.
When I woke up the next morning, my pad was soaked completely through with blood and my panties were spotted as well. I threw the disgusting thing away, reminding myself I should change it every night before going to bed. I’d been so tired and achey when we got back from the party that I’d just crashed without thinking of it.
I went and showered first thing, and put a clean pad in my panties when I got back to the room. Amy returned from the shower just a minute or two later, while I was digging through my clothes figuring out what else to wear. Since I’d started developing as a girl, Amy had stopped being so modest around me, and as she often did now, she took off her bathrobe before she took a pair of panties out of her drawer and put them on.
“Oh,” I said, “I thought you might want to know... I started my period yesterday.”
“What? When?”
“I first noticed during the party, when I went to the restroom. I didn’t want to mention it in front of George, and then by the time we got back here I was so tired I forgot.” I didn’t mention that I’d forgotten to change my pad before bed.
“Are you okay about it?”
“I think so. It was kind of a shock, last night, but... well, I knew it was coming.”
She shook her head. “I’m glad I don’t have to go through that. My older sister said I was really lucky not to go through puberty until after the Divergence.”
The next time I went to clinic, Dr. Mathers brought up the topic of birth control again. “It would be safe for you to start using it now,” she said. “You’re not finished growing, but your reproductive system is fully formed and functional, so you could get pregnant.” Again I told her I wasn’t ready to date, much less have sex.
Three weeks, an inch and another shopping trip later, Radhika invited me to come to her parents' house for Thanksgiving. She pulled her car up to my dorm Wednesday afternoon after classes, and came in to help with my luggage — though I didn’t have a lot, just two changes of clothes, toiletries and my tablet. My hip wasn’t hurting as bad as it had been around Halloween, but it was still worse than it used to be before all these changes; I was glad to let Radhika carry my bag.
Radhika’s family were all Cary hyenas except for her older brother, who was a Raleigh rabbit. She told me about them on the drive out to her parents' house. So when a young Cary hyena, just a little shorter than me, came out to meet us, I said: “You’re Gary, right? I’m Joel.”
“Can I help bring in your stuff?”
“Sure, my bag’s in the trunk.” I walked up to the door while Radhika and her little brother were getting the stuff out of the trunk — my little suitcase and three big bags of Radhika’s laundry.
“Hi. Are you Radhika’s friend Joel?” Radhika’s mother was not as tall as her daughter but still a good eight inches taller than me.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Hmm. When she told us she was inviting a friend whose family lived in Nebraska, I thought you’d be of one of those western neospecies.”
“Oh... I guess she didn’t tell you much?”
“No, just your name. Come in and sit down...”
I followed her into the living room and sat down at one end of a sofa. A man came in, probably Radhika’s dad I figured, and Mrs. Eames introduced me to him: yes, that was her father.
Cary hyenas are one of the neospecies where you can still see what “race” people used to be before the Divergence. With Raleigh rabbits, Omaha sheepdogs and a lot of others it’s hard, sometimes impossible to tell, but with Cary hyenas their skin color didn’t change and their facial features didn’t change so much as to obscure those kinds of clues. Radhika’s dad was what they used to call African-American when I was little, and her mom was from India; her skin was a little darker than his, and she was a few inches taller than him, though not nearly as much taller as Radhika was compared to Paul.
Radhika and Gary came in lugging those bags, and Radhika directed him to put my suitcase in her bedroom. Then they took the laundry bags downstairs to the utility room, and came back upstairs after starting a load to wash. Radhika sat down next to me on the sofa and Gary took another chair.
“Lauren called and said he would be here soon,” Mrs. Eames said. “That is Radhika’s brother,” she added, turning to me. “He is a Raleigh rabbit like yourself.”
“Yes, she told me about all of you. Thank you so much for inviting me.”
“You’re very welcome; any friend of Radhika’s is welcome here. But she did not tell us very much about you, except that your family lives too far away for you to travel easily.” She gave Radhika a reproving glance.
“I live in Hebron, Nebraska — it’s a small town southwest of Lincoln. My aunt and uncle, and my grandparents, are all Lincoln bison... my parents were Raleigh rabbits like me, but they died right after the Divergence. A car crash.”
Mr. Eames nodded solemnly. “We lost people in accidents that day, too. My sister and her husband, and several friends.”
Just then the doorbell rang, and Mrs. Eames jumped up to answer it. “That is Lauren, I think.”
She returned a few moments later with a tall, good-looking Raleigh rabbit carrying a suitcase. “Hi, everybody,” he said. “Who’s this pretty girl?” My ears quivered and I couldn’t say anything. Radhika spoke up:
“This is my friend Joel. Be nice to her.” I could hear an implicit “or else.”
“I’ll be on my best behavior. You go to NC State with her?”
“Yes — I just started in September. My family lives a long way off, so Radhika invited me to have Thanksgiving dinner with you.”
“I’m glad you’re here. You brighten up the scenery considerably.”
“Hey, knock it off,” Radhika said. “You’ve got enough girlfriends.”
“Yes, and they all wanted to spend Thanksgiving with their families, and none of them wanted me spending Thanksgiving with one of the others.” I wondered how many girlfriends he had; using “all” rather than “both” implied three or more, and I’d heard rumors of male Raleigh rabbits with five or six wives or girlfriends, though I’d never met anyone with more than two.
“...Besides,” Lauren said after a brief pause and a grin at me, “you’re too young for me.”
“No, I’m not,” I blurted out, and then regretted it. “I mean, not that I want to be your girlfriend, but I’m not as young as I look. I’m eighteen.”
Mrs. Eames noticed I was uncomfortable and glared at Lauren. “We can eat supper any time you are ready. Are you all hungry?”
We were, and we got up and filed into the kitchen to serve our plates. It was a fairly simple supper; they were saving the fancy stuff for the next day’s dinner. Lauren asked me a little bit more about myself, and I told him what I’d told the others before he arrived, but not much more. Then Mr. and Mrs. Eames asked both Radhika and Lauren a bunch of questions about what they’d been doing since they were last home, and I was thankfully able to fade into the background for a while. I learned a little more about them than Radhika had told me on the drive over there, such as that Lauren had three girlfriends, Urmila, Bob, and Zach; that Urmila worked for the same company as Lauren, while Bob and Zach were seniors at UNC; that Gary played soccer for the boys' team at his high school; that Mr. Eames was a respiratory therapist at Duke Hospital, and Mrs. Eames was a software tester for a company in Chapel Hill.
I had started to notice some attraction to guys in the weeks since my first period; mostly to a guy who sat one row in front of me in Political Science, who had really nice shoulders. I don’t remember what his name was at this point; I never got to know him. I still couldn’t stand Rico, but I could begin to see why Sarah and Rob found him attractive — though not why they actually wanted to be his girlfriends. But until now it hadn’t been as visceral as when I found my eyes drifting back toward Lauren again and again during supper; those ears, those arms, that smile... My nipples were getting hard, and I couldn’t attribute it to the cold like the first couple of times I’d noticed that happening.
After supper, we played board games and card games until bedtime. First all six of us played a round of Fluxx, which I’d never heard of, a crazy card game where the rules are constantly changing and it’s impossible to guess how close you or anyone else is to winning. Twice I thought I was about to win and the rules changed so I was nowhere near winning. Gary won, and thus, by a house rule, he got to pick the next game. Since he wanted to play a board game that was for four players at most, we split into two groups of three, and I was careful to get into the group that didn’t have Lauren in it. I was still kind of distracted, though, glancing over toward the other table at Lauren’s butt and shoulders.
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periods and a sexual awakening
both can be stressful, especially for someone who has been isolated from others of her kind ...