Some times you find yourself experiencing Emotional turmoil, for me it helps to vent these feelings onto the written page or in my case the typed word; sometimes those words do such a wonderful job of conveying your inter turmoil that they nag at you until you finally share them. The form these words take would cause many to worry for the person who wrote them, TO all who read this I am in no immediate danger and 39 days have dulled the hurt SO without further ado "You Say Good Morning"

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You smile and say good morning like the world isn’t in turmoil, I smile and say good morning because I can’t handle that you don’t see that the world is falling apart around us. Voices of my mother’s demons crawl inside my head and tell me lies until I believe them. Little things conspire against me, little things that can’t but do. My every error in judgment or character flaw saved and replayed all inside my head so I never forget my failings and I wonder why me? Why did I have to wake up today and still breathe? Why me? Why must I carry this burden on my back? When will I fall? when will the voices get to loud and the weight get to much to bear, while the people, places, and things conspiring against me finally amass an army big enough to conquer the walls I’ve put up to protect me from myself. When will I fall? WHY CAN’T I FALL? Now you tell me the thing that keeps me sane will kill me sooner, like it would be a bad thing if I died young. You tell me how young I am because you don’t see the struggle I have made to get this far, and while you have walked further in your journey, I have no idea how I made it this far. AND YOU, YOU WANT ME TO GO FARTHER. I am tiered and I am done but I can’t stop because what would it do to my loved ones? What have they done to me? When you wish those loved ones would die already so you don’t have to deal with the guilt of not seeing them so they don’t trigger your past. I am five. You naive little girl in a naive little world you think it is an innocent question. I laugh you have no Idea that Bomb squads and storm chasers would run if they had to answer: What kind of juice would you like this morning? If I had known then what I know now; I never would have answered, I never would have told my mother Orange juice, I would have run from that house and never looked back. Wrong wire cut damage done 26 years later I can be that little girl again in the blink of an eye. You ask me what would it do to her, I hope she finds me, with a blood stained note that says “Mother you were the first straw and the last”. In comparison my father was a saint, always making sure I had a plan B with his constant question: What will you do WHEN you fail? Why do you try when you can't succeed? And the wonderful way he learned to vanish when Tropical storm MOTHER rolled into town and ruined everything. Thank you Father I am glad I got to handle that ALL BY MY SELF at the ripe old age of 5 I handled that storm ALL BY MY SELF while watching out for 4 others who were less equipped then I, But good news at 12 when the storm was at its worst you were gone when they came to drag my mother away. I don’t know how to sleep anymore; it is quiet now I keep waiting for the storm of 7 years, how can I sleep I won’t see it when it comes, and the monsters in my dreams now make Stephen king seem like bed time stories for small children. What would it do to him? how would he feel if he found me? Never mind he forgot me again 32 and the world didn’t notice but don’t worry I was not completely forgotten MY insurance agent sent me a birthday card. What would it do to my loved ones? If I fell after fighting for 32 years fighting someone else’s battles against someone else demons just to be forgotten and discarded. Statistics give me 43 more years; I have walked less than half way but some days I wonder if there is a tomorrow, would it be so horrible if there wasn’t? When the idea of following in my mother’s footsteps right in to that padded cell stops sounding like a bad thing, but I have been SOO hungry it hurt to eat, why would I stop to look after myself when I have more on my plate at work for less pay then those around me and I am still not making it to payday with food in the cupboards but I make too much money for help, no help with food, no help for the demons, my only hope is that one day it gets so bad someone takes my choice away and takes away my chances of success in this life, because the most valuable lesson my mother taught me is that no one gives opportunities to those who have been forced into mental health care, but no one cares until you are a clear and present danger to someone important. I was 5,6,7,8,9,10,11, and 12 but I was never so important that my safety mattered, so why should I matter now. Good morning =D.