A warning to begin. I am not thinking of anything dumb, or stupid, or suicidal. What follows are thoughts that passed through what I laughingly refer to as my mind... nothing more or less than that. I felt that I needed to get them out where I could see them and examine what they might or might not mean. Please do not read anything into them that isn't there.
Islands
I stand alone.. surrounded by dots
dots that are island-like spots
they represent all that I want
all that I need
all that I hope for
all that I wonder about
and all of them are beyond my reach
out of my grasp
there is no help
no assistance
to breach the distance
and bring them within my reach
I've tried to be true to myself
whoever that is
and I question even that
I've wished
I've pleaded
I've raged and cried
yet those dots
those spots
those refuges for my mind and soul
remain out there mocking me
telling me that I cannot have them
I cannot reach them
I cannot even touch them
even for a moment
a second
a heartbeat
how I wish that
for just one moment
I could find the reach
the way to touch
to feel
to know those things
that are beyond my ken
beyond my life
beyond my reach
alone I stand
no one can help
no one can feel
no one can know
the helplesness
of knowing
that the dots are out there
always mocking
always calling
promising
but never allowing me to feel
to touch
to be touched
to be loved.
I'm told to look within
to find in myself
the power to breach the distances
to extend my reach
but when I look
there is nothing there
only dispair
and disgust
and shame at being weak
I pretend
to others
that I am real
and I exist
but I am only a ghost image
that fades with the light of reality
and disipates
no more than a shadow
in a sunlit world
pretending to be
what I'm not
hoping to pass
unnoticed and unknown
knowing that
the time will come
when I'm unmasked
and humbled
shamed again with no hope
of acceptance
or tolerance
just alone
unloved
misunderstood
and hopeless.
What is it like
to be loved?
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Comments
Indeed
If what you wrote is how you feel, I know exactly that same feeling. I don't know if the reasons behind the feelings are the same, but the outcome is: A feeling of being adrift, of disconnection, and not knowing how, or lacking the means, to move towards desired goals or away from perceived unpleasantness.
I have a theory that this situation is brought about at least in part by both social distance as a developing child - in my case not having a stable, reliable group of friends when very young - and some genetic factor which makes understanding social interactions more difficult, and social bonds harder to create.
Because of the lack of control over these, it makes it nigh on impossible to break the cycle on your own - to break in to a group who would be accepting, to reach out - because of the fears of pain and rejection (real or imagined) from past experience and mental predisposition.
Your words move me. I am glad of them.
May we both be lucky enough to find someone else who understands...
And is there. There for you - to touch, to be touched, to draw you towards those distant islands of possibility.
To love.
And be loved.