Carlie has sissy predispositions, but overcomes difficulties with love, courage and increasing self-awareness. In this chapter, Carlie begins to define his relationships.

Carlie

VI. Changing Relationships

I had my usual date with Jason that Saturday. He was working as a bus boy and had just bought a used car. After the movie and some Mexican food, he drove me out to park by the lake to watch the sunset. Parking was new, and I was a little nervous. He asked if I’d show him how my breasts were growing. He helped me off with my top, then loosened my bra. I felt so like a girl.

“Can I touch them?”

“If you don’t press too hard, that really hurts.”

The next thing I knew, he was caressing them and I was getting excited. I should have stopped him, but it felt too good. Soon he was licking and nibbling them. I lost control and made a mess in my panties. It was the first time that happened with someone else. I was sure the wet spot would show, so I was embarrassed and flustered. I told him to stop and take me right home. Jason was totally confused. I’d been enthusiastically intimate one minute and completely shut him down the next. But, I was too embarrassed and confused to think about his feelings. I just wanted to run and hide. We had a silent trip home, and I ran in holding my bag in front of my damp shorts to conceal my shame.

I ran past mommy, into my room, closed the door, and fell in tears on my bed. After a few minutes she knocked and sat silently on my bed while I tried to get control of myself.

“What happened? Did Jason try to force you to do something?” Her voice had an angry tinge.

“Oh, nothing like that. I let him see how my chest is growing and one thing led to another and I lost control and I … I messed my panties and shorts. I’m so humiliated. I didn’t want any one to see,” I said pulling the sheet over myself.

“Poor baby. That happens with lovers. It’s not terrible. It happened to me when I was still a boy. You needn’t to be embarrassed. I’m sure Jason would be happy to know you find him exciting.”

“Oh … I’m not sure I find him exciting at all. It was just … just what he was doing. My breasts are so sensitive and I … I felt so like a girl. It wasn’t him at all. It … it could have been anyone doing it. In fact I’d rather it was someone else, a girl. … So … so I don’t know how to be with him any more. I don’t know if I can be with him any more. Partly I’m crying because I’m ashamed and partly because I’ve lost Jason as a friend. I can’t see him any more.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’ll think it’s a date. Since I let him get to second base, he’ll think it’s OK to steal third and it isn’t … Not with me anyway. I don’t want to do those things with a boy.”

“Then you’ll have to sit him down and tell him.”

“I’ll text him.”

“No daughter of mine will do any such thing! That would be cowardly. Don’t think that being a sissy means being a coward, because it doesn’t. You’ve already shown me that you have courage by being who you know you are. I was so proud of how you dealt with that guidance counselor — telling him what your goal is, and not letting him change it, but accepting his expertise on how to get there — and ignoring his ignorant prejudices. Be just as courageous with Jason and maybe you won’t lose him as a friend.”

“Your right, but I can’t face it now. I’ll call in the morning and ask him over to talk.”

“That’s my girl! Now go wash our your panties so the stain does not set, take a shower and put your nitie on. Meet me in the kitchen because I have something else to discuss.” I did as she said. My nitie was a recent present that she’d made for me. It was a baby doll set, not a sexy one, but a sweet, pale pink cotton print with fairies and unicorns. I loved wearing it and imagining I was a little girl. Mommy understood that I still wasn’t ready to be completely grown up.

When I went into the kitchen I found milk and cookies set at at my place. They and my baby dolls made me feel like her little girl.

“Carlie, I got a letter today that might be important for both of us — if you were serious about accepting me as a mother.”

“Oh, I was Kate ... mommy.” I could see tears form in her eyes. She paused until she composed herself.

“As you know, I have been working part time as a substitute teacher. This letter is an offer of employment as a full time teacher. Of course the position comes with benefits for me and ... my family.” She looked at me. “That would be you if I adopted you. Would you like me to?”

“Oh, mommy, I would really. I don’t care about benefits. I just want you as my mommy.” She held out her arms and I sat in her ample lap. She hugged me to her breasts and we both cried. When we were cried out, she said she’d talk to Sandy and to the social worker Monday to see what needed to be done. By then I was emotionally drained and went to bed a happy and tired sissy girl.

Sunday I called Jason and apologized for being so rude and not telling him what was going on. I asked him over after lunch so we could talk. I decided to wear make up to look more like a girl and less like a boy. Maybe he’d see that I wasn’t the boy for him. Mommy helped me with a light foundation, eye shadow and lipstick.

When he came, he said I looked very pretty, but I could tell it wasn’t a look he found attractive. I was still embarrassed to say what happened and how I felt. Finally, I said, “When you were playing with my titties I melted inside and felt like a girl. Part of me is a girl, and that part felt so right … and what you were doing felt so good. I should have told you to stop, but I didn’t. Then I lost control and made a mess in my panties. I had a huge wet spot on my shorts. I was really embarrassed by what happened and my wet shorts. I just wanted to run and hide. So I asked you to take me home.”

“I understand. … I thought you were mad at me for forgetting you’re not gay and getting physical. I know I shouldn’t have, but your titties are so beautiful. I wanted to touch them and kiss them and well … I wasn’t thinking either. I was really confused. I mean girls have titties and so I thought you’re my girl letting me have her titties, but then I really don’t like girls but you’re a boy. So everything was going in circles and I was getting excited and … Well I made a mess about the same time as you. In fact, I thought you noticed and that’s why you were mad at me … for treating you like you’re gay when I know your not. I feel really guilty for that. Your my best friend and I drove you away treating you like we’re a gay couple instead of you being my sweet girly friend friend. Carlie, I really love you, but not like a boy, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do, cuz I love you the same way, but like a boy if you know what I mean.” We both laughed. “You know, you’re a great date, Jason. You really know how to kiss and make me feel dreamy, but I shouldn’t be dating boys … not because I don’t like dating you, but because I’ll never be ready to give you the loving you deserve.”

“Yeah, I know. You’re a great date too, Carlie … so much fun to be with, but I keep wanting to go where I shouldn’t because I love you so much. I want to be with you because I love you, and I don’t go there because I love you. I like dating you and kissing you, but it’s really a strain, too … you know?”

“For me too. I love you and being with you, but every time I think about giving you what you need, it turns me off. Maybe I’d do it eventually to please you, because I love you and want you to be happy, but I’d be faking and we’d start hating each other. I don’t think we can date any more. Besides when we’re dating, your not looking for the boy of your dreams and I’m not looking for the woman of my dreams.” Jason nodded. We cried and I held his hands. Then I kissed him leaving a lipstick stain for his mother to wonder about.

I haven’t said much about Kelly. I had a bad crush on her, but she was out of my league — not that she looked down on me. Rather, she treated me like a little sister. I accepted what I could get. She was genuinely interested in my life, and once we got to know each other, she started telling me about hers, even her dates. She worked long hours as a techie for an electronics store. She dated, but respected herself too much to have sex just because her date expected it. So, a lot of her relationships ended when the guy didn’t get in her panties.

I said that I’d never expect her to have sex with me just because I dated her long enough. She said I wouldn’t date her anyway because I liked boys. I tried to say I liked girls, but it was hard for her to believe when I’d been asking her what to wear for my dates with Jason. She loved me as a mixed up younger sister that was hard to figure. I couldn’t blame her. I was having a hard time figuring myself out.

That brings me to my counselor, Dr. Jane Goodrich. Of course she wasn’t really a doctor, well not the medical kind, anyway. She was a psychologist with a contract from social services to see “troubled youth.” Compared to a lot of her clients, I wasn’t troubled. Maybe that’s why she liked talking to me. I wasn’t into drugs, beating people up, raping girls or cutting myself. I was just sane a transvestite sissy orphan — more the kind of thing she signed up for I suspect.

She told me the county allowed anyone in the system three sessions. After that a case had to exist for more. The first session I told her my history. We talked a little at the end about my grieving, and she decided that it was “progressing normally, and not worth using up limited counseling time on.”

The second session, we talked about why I thought I was a sissy. Of course, sitting there in my bra and panty set, white girls’ shorts, grape cami, lavender top and cork-soled wedge sandals, I thought it was pretty obvious why I thought I was a sissy. She wanted to know why I dressed that way. I told her it was a cute look for me, and I felt more myself than I had before. Did it arouse me sexually? Well, I thought I looked sexy, but there were other things that aroused me a lot more. Like what? I told her about Jason playing with my tittles and especially my fantasies about Kelly. Was I the male in those fantasies? Yes, but just physically. Emotionally, I was very feminine. At the end she gave me homework. I was to write on the pros and cons of changing into a woman.

Of course I’d already decided that since I couldn’t have a baby, there was no point in having a vagina. I certainly didn’t want one to please a man. Breasts were something else again. I loved how I felt when Jason nibbled and kissed mine, and I could imagine how wonderful it would feel, emotionally and physically, to nurse a baby.

At my third session, Dr. Jane and I discussed my homework and why I wanted to work as a nanny and be a mom. She asked to see my breasts. I was glad to show her — they were my favorite feature, even though they were still very small, even tiny. She asked again why I was happy presenting as a female. Did I really want bigger tatas, as she phrased it. I most definitely did. She wanted to go over the pros and cons of a heterosexual boy having breasts and presenting as female, but we were out of time. She said she could authorize 2 more sessions before having to make a case to social services. One would be next week, and if she decided to recommend hormone treatments for me, she’d schedule a follow up later, when my breasts had developed.

The fourth session was designed to scare me, or maybe test me — was I ready to risk not having a wife or girl friend to have breasts. By the end she was convinced that I’d given it thought and was making an informed decision. Mothering a baby was more important to me than having a mate. She referred me to an endocrinologist for hormones. Hurray! I was on my way to being a nursing mom, even if I couldn’t be a birth mom.

I told mommy everything as she brushed my hair. She said how thrilled she was when she was approved for hormones. Then she told me about her figure growing to the point she could not pretend to be a boy any longer. Her mother was happy to have a daughter, but her father was less than thrilled and disowned her after her mother died. She was very lonely for a long time until she met Shane, but now she felt truly loved as Shane’s wife, and I was making her a mom.

After a bit of silence while we both reflected, she said she’d talked to HR and my hormone therapy would be covered with a co-pay once my adoption process began and she started work.

The next day I talked to Sandy and told her Kate wanted to be my mommy. What did we need to do? Sandy said she would talk to Mrs. Sanchez, and see. That evening Sandy told me that because I was 17 and a high school graduate, the family court judge would waive some formalities and expedite my adoption. Still it would take six months for it to be final. She said that was not a bad thing because the county would continue paying Shane and Kate for my upkeep until the adoption was final, and, by state law, Kate’s insurance would cover me as soon as the adoption process was started. She’d set up an appointment for Kate to sign the papers. Once they were filed there would be a meeting with the judge that would only take a few minutes. I was so excited, I cried.

By the time I got home, Sandy and Kate had talked on the phone. I was a little disappointed, because I wanted to be the one to tell mommy, but still we both had happy tears. After that everything went fast. The judge was very nice and quick, just confirming that an adoption was what Kate and I wanted, and Mrs. Sanchez had no objections. At the end of August, Kate started work with teacher’s meetings. I had an appointment with the endocrinologist the same day. I hoped to leave with a prescription, but she needed to review my country medical file and do more blood tests. I finally started my hormones the day I started classes at State — not a happy coincidence because I got morning sick all that week. But, isn’t that part of the price for becoming a mom?

The strain between Jason and I had eased by the end of summer, but we still didn’t see each other much. Judy had worked as a waitress and spent her free time with Dave, her latest boyfriend. We three finally got together the last Sunday before school to say good bye and promise to stay in touch with video chats and emails.