Terry’s last four weeks have been difficult, but now the maternity leave is over and he’s out of work. But never fear, he will be taken care of.

Terry looked closely at himself in the bathroom mirror, turning slightly here and then there, before grabbing a small hand mirror, turning around, and using it to check out his backside. He didn’t seem any different even with the panties pulled up or down. Experimenting, he shook his bottom a little and satisfied, he tried the same with his chest, but the falsies he had glued on kept interfering with his ability to tell if anything was happening. He laid the mirror down with a sigh. Every day now for the last week he had been checking himself out this way in the morning and in the evening. Beyond the fact that his waist was a little smaller than it used to be, he couldn’t really see any changes from day to day, except maybe he had more hips today. That might be true. He looked at them again, using his hands to prod, poke, and smooth around them. As worried as he was, he started to get a little turned on at the girl in the mirror.

At least that part of him was still functioning normally, even if it was his image in the mirror that was turning him on. And if he could turn himself on, he was probably turning on other guys as well. For many really good reasons, that was not comforting. Yet, it was good in one way. Maybe satisfying too. No, no, definitely not satisfying. It was only good in the respect that if he looked good as a woman, than people would see him as a woman and not as some guy in a dress. To maintain the masquerade required people to believe in the illusion.

Gently shaking his head, he went back to getting dressed for the day. Despite Lisa’s advice and insistence for what he should wear today, he felt like rebelling, so he wasn’t going to wear a matching bra. In fact, he was going to dress a little more free altogether, going against the rigid dress code, even in the small way he was doing, felt like a wonderful thing. What would they do? Fire him? Not likely. Today was THE DAY. The final day.

After his long girdle was padded out giving him his hips and rear, he slipped on the full slip and then a red shirtwaist dress, buttoning up the many buttons in the front and tying the matching belt on front. He slipped on his rings and a large necklace that matched his dangling earrings. Examining himself in the mirror, he was satisfied that he hadn’t messed up his makeup or his hair. A quick spray of his perfume and he was ready. His purse and heels were waiting for him in the living room.

He walked out quietly and looked at Lisa still sleeping in their bed. She looked so beautiful, even with her hair going every which way. He wanted to give her a kiss goodbye for the day, but he had already done so when he had gotten up for the day. She might wake up if he did it now, but still she was worth the risk. Grinning, his stocking feet padded over to her side of the bed and he carefully leaned in, his polished nails holding his necklace to his chest as he planted a gentle kiss on her cheek, causing her to stir slightly. He leaned back and grinned as he saw that his lipstick had left a beautifully defined red pucker mark where she would see it when she woke up for her day at work. He’d repair his lipstick in the living room before he left.

She had been so wonderful to him all this last month. Patient, kind, willing to rub his feet after a long hard day. Putting up with his worries and anxieties. He quickly padded out of the room and pulled the door mostly closed and made it to the kitchen before he started to cry. He hated when he cried.

Life was just hard at times. All this stress. Every single day worrying about everything that was going on around him. Worrying that he was getting comfortable with the way things were. Wondering when he’d be able to break free and then wondering what he’d do if he got free before he was ready?

That was probably his biggest worry right now. Today was his last day at work, but he wasn’t sure what he’d do tomorrow. He wasn’t sure what he’d be able to get away with after today.

“Hello Tammy. How are you doing today?” Dr. Willingham asked as he walked into the examination room, closing the door behind him.

Terry took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. “Um, fine doctor. Why did you need to see me again so soon?”

The graying physician looked confused for a moment, not sure what the issue was or specifically, why Tammy didn’t understand why she was here. “I thought I had explained that earlier?”

“You did?” Terry shifted uncomfortably in the chair, worried about what might be going on. This was his last day of employment, so he was concerned at what might be going on now.

“I understand. You are probably wondering what’s going to happen to you after today. I thought that Jack… um, Mr. Corwin had explained to you that he’d make sure you were taken care of?”

“Oh, he did sir. Sorry I must have forgotten. I mean, I remember him telling me that and all, but I really… well, I’m not sure what we’re really doing here and all that.”

“Don’t worry so much about things. A pretty young woman like you shouldn’t concern herself so much with things like this. Mr. Corwin has explained to me exactly what I’m to do and how I’m supposed to do it.”

“He has?” That didn’t sound well. Four days previously Terry had been here and had his blood drawn for more lab work. He knew that if Mr. Corwin was still testing him, he’d have to be put through the procedures as if everything was really happening. But if he wasn’t testing him, he’d be go through the exact same sort of procedures he was going through now. He couldn’t tell which way he was really going, the fake or the real.

“You know, Jack really cares deeply about you.” The doctor put the folder down on the table behind him. “He looks at you and what you’re going through as a personal testament of the strength of your character.”

“He… he does?”

“Yes he does. He and I go back a long ways and I’ve been on the inside of many of the things he has done to help others out. And to test to see if they are really who or what they say they are…” He sighed, “He is the type of guy who invests in people. And at times he’s been fooled, which he really doesn’t like to admit to, but it happens. So he will sometimes go through very elaborate set ups to make sure that the person he is going to help really deserves his help.”

“But I thought that he was… I mean, all the things he’s been doing aren’t real?” I was feeling the weight fly off of my chest. I started to sniffle at the relief I was feeling. It had all been a test and he wasn’t really doing anything to me other than making me live as a woman. None of these doctor visits were really real.

“Don’t get me wrong.”

The good feeling started to depart rapidly as he kept speaking.

“Please, have a tissue. What I mean is that his intent to help people is real. And in some cases, he’ll move heaven and earth to push things where they need to go. He’s not afraid to invest his time or his money in someone he believes in.”

“So he believes in me?”

“I think he wants to believe in you. He has doubts. Frankly, I think he’s nuts myself. If you were fully under my care without his input, we wouldn’t be talking about doubts. I see you before me. I understand full well that you intend for this to happen. That this is your real desire. You are without a doubt a woman who is trying to correct what went wrong.”

“Oh…”

“But Jack…. Well, he means well and if it was something like cancer, we wouldn’t have any problems at all. He would make certain that you would have every possible medical treatment that we could give you. But this whole transsexual thing is out of his league, so you can understand his attitude. There are times he is fully on board and other times he wonders and tries to figure out if you really are a fraud.”

I had grabbed a few more tissues at this. I couldn’t understand what exactly he was saying, but I was getting the idea now. The doctor was letting me know that Jack was testing me still and that the doctor himself felt it was pointless to test. Great, I had convinced the doctor, but not Jack. And I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or bad thing.

I guess it was good that what Lisa and I were trying to do with this whole stupid thing was working on the doctor and such, but it wasn’t working really well on Jack. If he didn’t know which way we were really going, I was going to have to continue to sell it so that he wouldn’t doubt so much. We couldn’t afford Mr. Corwin to suddenly decide we were faking after all this time. He could easily destroy what we had in this town. He probably would even have us arrested for fraud or something.

“Anyway, I’m sorry that this is upsetting you. I know it is rough. The more I study this situation, the more I realize how traumatic it is for people to live with it. Anyway, the standards of care require that you have therapy for about a half a year or so before we do anything. I’m sorry that it has to be that way.”

I felt like hugging him and giving him a huge kiss. Which would be so damn gay that it made me a little sick to my stomach.

“This must be like a cancer on your soul. And as I said, cancer we can treat immediately. No reservations and we’ll do what we must, rules be damned. But that is not how the standards see this.”

“I understand doctor.” I could barely make myself talk I was so incredibly happy. “I get the point you are making and I really appreciate everything you are doing.”

“Good. I can see that you are getting the point. I’m glad you and I have had this talk. Now you know what we’re doing here for real, you can be certain that when the time comes, you’ll already be well past ready and we could really hurry things along then. Now what we did last visit was check your blood levels to see how well the previous shots went. We’ll do the same again in three months. During this time, you’ll not notice anything out of the ordinary of course. There might be some side effects from the vitamin shots I’m going to give you, but this is expected.”

I looked at him with the question in my eyes and he smiled and winked. “You know, typical girl things like baking cookies, shopping, and gossip. Nothing to worry about though. Remember what we talked about? We’re only doing what we need to do. So when a year is up officially, you’ll be well along the way to going to the next step.”

Terry frowned at the suggested side effects. Was that really possible once he really went on hormones? From what he had read in the library, from his meager understandings, was that the changes were biological and not such bizarre and frankly, ridiculous type of effects he was talking about. He could possibly see someone being happy after having been started on this road if that was their true desire or if their body really did need to be operating with the different set of hormones, but to want to bake cookies? Go shopping? If it was a joke, it wasn’t a good one. At least he felt calmer now about what the doctor was really doing. It was obvious now. Dr. Willingham was playing the game that Mr. Corwin wanted, to test him to see if he was true. Even though the good Doctor was convinced, though falsely, of Terry’s desire to be a girl, he couldn’t go against the standards. So all this was another lie. A pretence to keep everyone happy. And to keep Terry happy, the good man had told him that if he, or in the doctor’s eyes she, was patient, then the time would come with the actual drugs would be administered. Oh, if Mr. Corwin knew that the doctor had told him this, there would probably be hell to pay.

Still, even though that weight had been lifted from his shoulders, he still had to worry about how to pay the doctor even though he wasn’t really doing anything. “Okay. Um, I’m not sure if I’ll have a job in three months. I don’t know how I’ll keep the appointment if I can’t pay for it.”

“Jack will find a way, believe me. Now let’s give you some,” he paused to cough, “vitamin shots. Everything about your blood work tells me that we’re good to continue.”

“Tammy? Are you okay?” asked Jack as they settled into the chairs back in his office. They had returned from a very nice lunch with the rest of the secretaries for the official send off.

Terry blotted his eyes again, trying not to ruin his mascara again. “Yes sir. I’m sorry, but I’ve been very emotional today.”

Jack’s voice soften. “I could tell you’ve been under a lot of stress this week. You seem to be having a very rough time of things.”

“Yes sir. I guess I have been out of sorts.” He wanted to scream, ‘You try wearing a dress and pretending you’re a girl while your boss is tricking you into thinking you’re getting hormone shots!’

“Well, I want you to know that I’ve been working in the background on your behalf.”

Terry did his best to show the right amount of surprise. He thought, ‘Of course you’ve been working in the background on everything.’ Out loud he asked, “What do you mean, sir?”

“Well, we don’t have any openings here. If we did, you would be first in line. Well, except for that beginning position in the mechanical group, but you wouldn’t have like that. Too much math and dirty machines and all.”

He wanted to yell, but he didn’t. Jack was right about one thing, he wouldn’t have enjoyed working there as ‘Tammy’. Terry wouldn’t have minded, but they wouldn’t have been getting him. They would have gotten ‘her’.

“In any event, I’ve been trying to find another job for you. I’m afraid that with the economy as it is, Reagonomics and all, the jobs are way too few. What does pop up has a lot of applicants and they typically can get someone with a lot of experience for nothing. But I have been trying to pull in a few favors where I have them, or use my influence where it might be of use. Yet I’m sad to report that I’ve not had any luck.”

Terry was relieved in one respect. Knowing Jack, he would have probably set Terry up in some sort of what he would consider a girl’s dream job. A job might be a job, but some things were not worth it. He swallowed, “I understand sir. And I do appreciate all the work you’ve done on my behalf.”

“Well, it’s not over yet. Come Monday, you are to report to the job services office and meet with Mrs. Taylor. She will process your application for unemployment. She’ll also enter you into their job search programs and give you the details on how to use their services.”

“Thank you sir.”

He looked a little troubled as he paused and fiddled for a moment. I could tell he wanted to give me more advice, but he wasn’t sure where to go with it.

“One of the big problems we’re having here is your name.”

Now my surprise was genuine. “My name?”

“Yes. I know that you prefer to be called Tammy and not Terry, but it could be far worse. You could have a name like Fred or Roger or something macho like. Still Terry connects you to your past and I’m not sure if that’s really what you want.”

“Sir?”

“I know it is early yet, but if you want to change your name legally to Tammy, I have all the paper work ready for you. I had originally thought I could do it as a gift to you before you left, but I found out that I was unable to do anything more than this. Still, it’s what I could do.”

‘CRAP!’

“So you should find it in the mail by tomorrow or Monday and if you want to take this next step, I’ll do what I can to help you make it happen. If you want to wait, I guess I can understand that too. Still, it is harder right now to talk to others about ‘Tammy’ when you’re really ‘Terry’. I guess having a name that could be taken both ways is helpful in this.”

I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak.

“And now you might be worried about how you can continue your journey if you aren’t employed here. I want you to know that I’m going to be watching you and helping you when and where you need it. I will not take ‘no’ for an answer on this. So you will continue your doctor appointments and if you need a special appointment, do it. I’ll make sure the bills are paid.”

“Mr. Corwin, I really appreciate this. But I don’t know how I could ever repay you on any of this. It is really far too much for me to accept no matter how generous you feel it is.”

“Nonsense. I’m not giving you a free ride. I’m giving you a sort of a loan. There is one thing I know about in life, is that people who receive free rides do not appreciate the struggle it takes to obtain what they are given without the accompanying hardship. Life is about hardship. Plain and simple. But, it doesn’t need to be insurmountable hardship. So you will struggle still to meet the demands for things, but you won’t find it unbearable. If you do, we’ll arrange for some additional loans, if you really are giving it your all. Eventually later in life you’ll find that you’ll be able to pay back what I’m doing now. At that time, you will pay it back. So don’t give me any excuses about having a debt. Debt is another part of life. We all owe people that we could never truly pay back. Heck, one might think you don’t want the help the way you’ve gone on about it to me in the past.”

I had practiced for this and stated as confidently as I could, “No sir. I am very grateful for all you are doing. I’m very happy that you are helping me on my journey. If I could repay you now, I would. And if you think of anything I could do for you, let me know and I would do it. And I do mean anything.”

For a change, I had done something that shut Jack up. He sat there and chewed over what I had said. “I appreciate it, I really do. I, um, appreciate what you are saying, but I don’t think… Well, I’m not saying it isn’t tempting, because you are really quite beautiful, but I’m far too old to be doing that sort of thing with someone so young. I hope you understand.”

As he spoke, it puzzled me why he would be so uncomfortable as to why he wouldn’t want to accept my aid in anything. I mean, I would do what I could for him for the simple reason that it would keep him from being suspicious about what my intentions were about everything. It wasn’t like I wanted to really become a girl, but I wasn’t going to do anything to tell him the truth.

And then it hit me.

Oh hell.

I didn’t mean it that way.

Oh crap!

I started to cry all over again. I was so embarrassed about it all and there was no way I could recover what I had said. He actually thinks now that I would do …

I couldn’t look at him

“Tammy, please. It isn’t that I find you attractive. You are very attractive and I know that you’ll find a man that you will please and give great comfort to. I’m honored, but I’m just not that man.”

“I understand,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry. I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m going to go now, if that’s okay.”

“It’s okay. Please, take the rest of the day off. I’m very sorry.”

“Thank you… Excuse me please.” And I dashed out of the door as fast as I could, gathering up my purse and trying not to bawl in front of everyone. Alice was very concerned and tried to get me to settle down, but I couldn’t stop crying and after hugging her, I headed out the door as fast as I could.

Lisa held the forms requesting my name change to Tammy and looked at me. “What the hell is all this?”

“Jack did it,” I confessed. “Cookie?” I offered her one of the ones I had finished baking. My first ever attempt at baking cookies and I thought I had done rather well. It hadn’t been a very good day, so I thought I would try something to cheer myself up and cookies were always something I enjoyed, though we didn’t have any at our apartment. Every morning was a bit of a struggle for me to get up and get going. I couldn’t revert back to being the old Terry because Jack could still be watching. Monday had been a very hard day what with meeting Mrs. Taylor at the job bureau. I had to explain to her why I was dressed and looking like I was even though my driver’s license and everything record wise said ‘Male’. I also had to explain the whole Tammy and Terry thing again. After much embarrassment, we had gotten to where she was going over all my forms and entering my information into their system so that I could find another job as a woman. That’s one of the things that frightened me still. I couldn’t get away from it all.

This morning I had gone shopping so that I could get out of the house. Yesterday wasn’t so bad because Lisa had Wednesdays off, so we ended up spending a lot of time together and she told me all the things she had been hearing at the salon about the people and places in town. She had put out feelers for me as well to see what sort of jobs were out there, and what places to avoid going to.

“You’re going to change your name to Tammy?” she asked as she took the cookie.

“NO. Of course not. That would be stupid wouldn’t it. I mean, when all this is done that would give Jack yet another way to find and track me down, right? I’d have to change it back and everything.”

“Yah, you’re right. Still, it might make life easier for you right now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, think about it. If you do change your name to Tammy, then what is Jack going to think? He’s going to really see that you are trying to do all of this.”

“No Lisa! NO!”

“Think about it. Right now you’re getting by okay, but this would be the major thing that would convince him. After that, you’d be free of his scrutiny.”

“Yah, but I’d also be known as Tammy. Everywhere! Including my driver’s license. Everything would be as Tammy!”

“Well, you’re Tammy right now, aren’t you?”

“No! Damn it NO! I know you want me to keep it up so that I don’t slip up when I go out there, but NO! My name is Terry. I’m Terry, okay? I am not Tammy!”

I ran out of the kitchen and slammed the door to the bedroom, crumpling up on the bed and screamed into my pillow. I wasn’t Tammy. I wasn’t.

Well, I was, but I didn’t want to be Tammy. Did she not see how everything kept removing bits and pieces of me? I was losing Terry with everything that happened. I couldn’t be Tammy legally. It was like saying I was really dead and that Tammy was the real thing. I just couldn’t go through with that. I couldn’t.

And yet, I knew it made the most sense for me to do.