Stop

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STOP

by Nicki Benson

On a really bad day I’ll pick up a newspaper and find that all the full stops are missing from the text.

The message never changes.

A child will start misbehaving, and its mother will shout ‘stop it!’

If I overhear a conversation in a café or on a train it’ll be filled with expressions such as ‘stop right there’ or ‘what’s the next stop?’ or ‘I wonder if it’ll stop raining soon’ or any number of similar phrases.

Each time I go out someone will ask me for directions to the nearest bus stop.

When I turn on the radio the song that’s playing will be ‘Stop Stop Stop’ or ‘Stop! In The name of Love’ or ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’.

On a really bad day I’ll pick up a newspaper and find that all the full stops are missing from the text.

Something else never changes: the girl I see whenever I look into a mirror.

I’m getting used to her now, of course. And my personality has adapted to my reflection: I never leave the apartment unless I’m in full make-up; I spend whole afternoons shopping for shoes; I’m house-proud and careful with money; I watch my weight; I feel my eyes mist over at a sentimental scene in a movie or on TV.

It’s all softening me up for the ordeal I know I’ll have to suffer before I can move on.

And afterwards?

That isn’t for me to decide. But I’ll still be female. The memories will be more visceral that way — and when all’s said and done they’ll be my real punishment.

Because I got off too easily before. They left me wearing my trouser belt, and I don’t think it was an oversight. If that was a more damning indictment than any court of law could have thrust upon me, it was also a means of avoiding a life where I’d never be able to look a single member of my family in the eye again.

Whatever happens, the last words I heard before the key turned in the lock will always stay with me.

“Protest all you like, son, but that’s what you’re going to be charged with. If she says stop, you stop.”

This story was partly inspired by the movie Dark Corners, directed by Ray Gower and starring Thora Birch.


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This story is 414 words long.